Thursday, December 31, 2015

I want to see a Star Wars where the light side is a giant fascist empire that preaches lack of individual thought and complete lack of emotion, and the dark side is a small pocket of resistance who value the existence of intense emotions, including recognizing the necessity of grief and sadness.

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The Simpsons had a better Under the Dome story than Under the Dome.

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The most illegal thing I've done on drugs is just the drugs themselves.

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When we see a beautiful painting, we say it looks like a photo. When we see a beautiful photo, we say it looks like a painting.

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"See you next year" must be the most over used dad-joke every December.

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Because of time zone differences, New Year's eve day is like people doing "the wave" on a global scale.

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The human body is 70% water so we're basically cucumbers with anxiety.

Saw this on Twitter.



Blue + yellow = green. Water + Sun = plants.

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I wonder if cigarette sales plummet right after new years eve, because of all the people that are "quitting". And then it gradualy rise again.

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Teenagers drive like they have limited time & old people drive like they have all they time in the world

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I can't believe it's been a year since I didn't become a better person.

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When cartoon characters watch cartoons on their TVs, I wonder if they see it as cartoons or reality TV.

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If you're ever insecure about your body, just remember: pornhub wouldn't keep its BBW category if it wasn't making them money



Any minute now, someone from Australia is going to post "Happy New Years" to the rest of the world. It will end up on the front page.

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Bill Cosby being a gynecologist in The Cosby Show makes a whole lot of sense all of a sudden.

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Your butthole is really just the back of your mouth.

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The phrases "We will rock you" and "We will stone you" have vastly different meanings.

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If Star Wars took place a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away then with a powerful enough telescope we might be able to see it

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Lightly touching someone and hardly touching someone both mean the same thing

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This will be the first generation of parents that are better than their kids at video games.

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'El NiƱo' has been around enough years to have its name changed to 'El Hombre'

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I was drunk when this year started and I'm going to be drunk when it ends.

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I was born Dec 31st. The world counts the seconds until my birthday is over, then parties because it's ended.

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I wonder if my cursor has passed over every pixel on my computer screen

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Now that I have a kid of my own, I just suddenly realized that Rugrats is not a cartoon about adventurous babies, it's a cartoon about really terrible parents.

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Going to see Star Wars tomorrow. I think I'm more excited about no longer having to dodge spoilers than I am to see the actual movie.

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Wednesday, December 30, 2015

The app is called Tinder because you get matches.

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Fans of The Truman Show must have seen him masturbate thousands of times.

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If you work a job that relies on tips, your employer is basically crowd funding your wage.

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I have never heard something be described as "Too Shabby."

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If men make more money than women, then financially it's a good idea to be gay.

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The Grinch stole Christmas from the Whos. Horton heard a Who. The Grinch is tiny.

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If spiders traveled around the house like Spiderman travels around a city, we'd have to exterminate them. Can you imagine how fucking terrifying our homes would be with spiders swinging from wall to wall?

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The first word I say every year is "happy" and the last is "one"

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My feelings towards Christmas decorations after Christmas is very similar to my feelings towards porn after masturbation

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I just realized "discovered" is the negative form of "covered"

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Two people can never go to each others funerals.

Unless its a joint funeral.



"Smelly" means something smells bad, but "tasty" means something tastes good

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I wonder if Faye Reagan chose her pornstar name as one that can be easily typed with only the left hand

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I don't trust microwave ovens that don't spin the food

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As far as I know, the title of "first person to jack off on the Moon" is still available.

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If those wheely hoverboards are hoverboards then my car is a hovercraft.

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It's going to be pretty easy to turn "2015" into "2016" when I write the wrong date for the next few weeks.

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When my ex dies I'm gonna write her a bitchuary.

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Throughout my life, I'll probably cum more times than I'll cry.

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If Mulan had large boobs, she wouldn't have been able to save China.

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Rain would be a lot more intimidating if it all fell at once.

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Nobody ever sneezes or stutters in a movie unless it's part of their character or beneficial to the plot.

Just a thing I noticed.



Because a year represents a completed orbit of the earth around the sun, saying, "I'm 25" is the equivalent of saying, "I'm 14,600,000,000 space miles."

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If the President of the United States gets a divorce and is remarried is she known as the Second Lady?

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Movie theaters should provide an audio jack in each seat, so patrons can use noise cancelling headphones, and they can also be used for dubbed audio for other languages.

No more complaints of other people talking. Also, they can show the English and Spanish version at the same time.



Theodore and Dorothy are just inversions of the first and last syllables

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Canada is 50% the letter A, but it is abbreviated CND

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All the Star Wars movies are just about the drama of one family. It's basically "Keeping up with the Skywalkers".

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Tuesday, December 29, 2015

We live in an age where parents give their children video games to distract them so the parent can have time to play video games.

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Ever consider how weird emojis are? As a civilization, we've spent thousands of years refining the craft of the written word, then one day someone's like: you know what we really need? Hieroglyphs.

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What if porn itself has been saving humanity from overpopulation?

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If 9/11 happened two months earlier, 7-11 would have had to completely rebrand themselves

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When I was younger I wished I was older and had money and now that I'm older I wish I was younger and didn't have to worry about money.

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If you had clappers installed in your bedroom, would the smacking from sex cause them to turn on and off?

Talk about a mood killer.



Most of the elderly folk I come across smile a lot and are generally cheerful. I wonder if that's because old age brings happiness, or because the miserable ones died off sooner.

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The bathrooms in Star Wars must have to be pretty versatile to suit all the different species.

Just think of the height range need for urinals alone.



A fish tank is the opposite of a submarine.

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Belt loops are like belts for a belt.

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I'm convinced most of the adults who told me wiki is unreliable, now use viral facebook posts for most of their news sources.

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I never realized how unfunny I was until I made a reddit.

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The real irony of all this is, the internet was actually created to save us time…

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I just realized it's called the Mediterranean sea because it's in the middle of all that land.

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A papercut is a tree's last revenge.

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I'd be more likely to donate to charity if I knew they wouldn't sent me letters or call me asking for more money.

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The superstition that walking under ladders is bad luck was probably started by guys who didn't want to get knocked off their ladders.

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If I had a waterproof phone, I could post my showerthoughts before I forgot them.

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Maybe the reason the WebMD diagnosis of your symptoms is always worst case scenario is to get people to actually go to the doctor instead of just self diagnosing with the internet.

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By the end of the night browsing Reddit just becomes a game of Which Unclicked Link Sounds the Least Shitty.

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Wednesday, December 23, 2015

This time of the year is perfect for masturbating. If any of your loved ones ask why your door is locked, you can just say you were wrapping gifts.

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There will be one last time someone thinks of you.

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Instead of sticking with a specific age range, Bill Nye stuck with our generation.

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If every person on earth was required to spend one work day a year naked we would all workout more.

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When I google something, and find a 2 year old forum post with my answer, where someone else has replied with "Google is your friend", I want to punch that person in the face.

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My wife is also my ex-fiancee.

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FedEx and UPS drivers are the closest things we have to an actual Santa Claus, and Amazon is essentially the north pole.

Tracking my package through Amazon like Norad's Santa Tracker.



Somewhere in the script for Spiderman 3, it probably said [Enter Sandman]

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Soon, when teens get caught smoking, they'll tell their parents it was just pot, not cigarettes

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For a change I´d like to know how much karma I´ve given out

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There's no way for me to say that generalizations are stupid without being a hypocrite.

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The Simpsons' Comic Book Guy was a stereotypical neckbeard before there was a stereotype about neckbeards.

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I used to think setting a passcode was to keep strangers out of your phone, but really it's to keep your friends out.

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All Movie Spoilers are Tagged NSFW because Reddit doesn't have a Spoiler Tag. It makes /r/Starwars looks like a Porn Sub-Reddit

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Big balls would be impractical to people who do stuff that require big balls.

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I want to start a business that sells shampoo and body wash with a sticker on the back that has the ingredients and whatnot along with a tab that says "pull here in case of forgotten phone." that reveals another sticker with an interesting article.

Edit: FOR USE WHEN SHITTING!



Most old people drive like they have all the time left in the world and most young people drive like it's their last day on Earth.

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I have never heard a baby say goo goo gaa gaa

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I don't appreciate the time that I don't have a cold nearly enough as I should.

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Kids are going to start assuming that the phrase "twiddling your thumbs" means messing around on your phone.

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Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Life is essentially a game where you try to get as many people as possible to attend your funeral.

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If a serial killer commits suicide, would it be correct to say they died doing what they loved?

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The worst part of being a giraffe is having a lot of time to reflect on your mistakes while sinking in quicksand.

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If cops need to shoot dogs to stay safe, our postal workers are woefully unarmed.

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It's going to be so easy to turn a 5 into a 6 for the first few months of 2016.

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The buttons on men and women's clothing are opposite so that if you do the buttons on someone of the opposite genders clothing, it is the same way as your own.

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Paying with my plastic debit card leaves a "paper trail," but paying with paper currency does not...

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In The Incredibles they chose the last name Parr for their alter-egos because they wanted to appear average

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I bet "best friend's mom" would be a marketable fragrance.

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Now that gay men can donate blood in the US, would someone from Westboro Baptist church forgo a life-saving blood transfusion, to avoid "gay blood"?

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We should thank Spacex for replacing Miss Universe with something that matters on all our feeds.

Was getting a bit sick of the cringey f*** up vid and Steve Harvey memes



Since pineapple contains an enzyme that dissolves human flesh, eating pineapple is basically a race to see who can digest who first.

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Most of my problems in life stem from the fact that I'm an introverted night owl living in an extroverted early bird's world.

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I dont know if jesus walked on water, but more recently ordinary people walked on the moon and I think thats more impressive.

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If Hillary becomes the president, it is the 1st time we would have a president who had sex with another president.

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If you hear something and have time to stop and think 'Should I be offended by this' then you probably aren't offended by it.

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If Olivia Newton-John had married John Travolta, she would have been Olivia Newton-John Travolta

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Telling my parents I'm moving to Colorado for the skiing is like telling my girlfriend I'm going to Hooters for the wings

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Our diets are comprised of almost all dead stuff. But if something has been dead for too long it's inedible and rotten. Our food has to be the right amount of dead to be edible.

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Parents are the only humans on this earth who will talk good about you behind your back, but talk shit to your face.

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Mike Rowe should be cast as Ernest

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Soon people will send 3d files of their dicks to be printed instead of pictures.

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Technically light is the only thing I've ever seen.

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At least Steve Harvey can go around telling people that he fucked Ms. Universe.

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Calling someone from Earth "Miss Universe" seems a little naive

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Monday, December 21, 2015

A keyring is a ring invented so you can lose all your keys at the same time.

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Imagine us waiting for 2016 but out comes 2015 S instead.

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Shouldn't Neil Degrasse Tyson be the host of Miss Universe? He knows more about universes ....and can read.

Shouldn't Neil Degrasse Tyson be the host of Miss Universe? He is qualified by knowing more about universes ....and can read.



Technology didn't make our society shittier, it just exposed all of the shitty things in our society.

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Having $200 in your bank account feels amazing when you're younger, but terrifying when you're older.

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I like how the term “as f*ck” is a common unit of measurement.

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What if the Miss Universe mishap was staged for publicity so that they can still be relevant and increase viewership? How many of us even knew it was even on before yesterday?

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If everyone knew about reddit, news sites could go back to posting actual news, and Facebook could be just photos and status updates from your friends and family.

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I would take the Miss Universe Pageant more seriously if it was made up of women in cosplay representing different galaxies.

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The world ended 3 years ago on this date, December 21, 2012.

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A guy has to blow himself up to get 72 virgins. A girl just has to reveal her gender on the internet.

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The fact that Forrest Gump invested money in Apple when it first started is far more impressive now than it was when the movie came out.

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Were it not for Steve Harvey, most of us would not have even known the Miss Universe pageant took place yesterday.

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If we actually met alien explorers from another planet, we would be talking to the supernerds of their society.

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Because the first runner-up Miss Universe assumes the duties of Miss Universe if she is unable to fulfill them, they should call the first runner-up "Miss Alternate Universe"

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If Kanye West became President. You could find the first lady on pornhub.

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When a microwave beeps, it should start counting up. That way when the directions say "let sit for 4 minutes" you actually know how long it's been.

Also if you see the timer at 99:99 you know you left something in there all day.



If ICarly was a real webshow it'd be one of the most hated webshows

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If no one ever told me about my brain, I wonder where I'd think my thoughts came from.

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Agar.io is basically that game that you watched as a kid where you look at the rain drops sliding down on the car windshield.

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I was much better at being myself when I was a kid.

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Do you think Santa regrets giving all those naughty kids coal now that global warming is threatening his home?

tbh I got this from someone's Twitter



Last week, I was a proud owner of "Star Wars: The Complete Saga"

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'Gluten Tag' would be a really great name for a German Bakery.

Or maybe even a stupid gluten-free German bakery.



Being good because Santa Claus is coming to town is the opposite of being good for goodness' sake.

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Sunday, December 20, 2015

I would pay a lot more attention to a car commercial that had, at the bottom, the words "Amateur driver. Open course. Attempt."

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In sci-fi, future people eat bland, colorless paste containing all necessary nutrients. In reality, we eat brightly colored foods with intense flavors and no nutrition.

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If I had never seen a bike in action I would never believe they work

"you need three wheels, at minimum" - potential me



If you make a statue of Baby Jesus, everyone thinks it's fine. If you make a statue of Jesus on the cross that's fine too. But if I make a statue of baby Jesus nailed to a cross all the neighbors start to complain

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There must only be a handful of dogs left that were born in the 20th century

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If I'm illegally downloading something with satellite Internet, wouldn't that make me a space pirate?

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Music from previous generations wasn't especially better. The only reason we think it is is that we kept replaying the good tracks and chucked the bad ones in the bin.

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When we say something is "just a cry for help", it's usually to explain why we won't be offering any.

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Any salad is Caeser salad if you put 23 knives in it.

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When spooning, why do they say big spoon and little spoon? Spoons of different size would not be able to spoon.

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My penis has healed nicely considering someone mutilated me at birth.

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As a kid, this time of year always filled my wallet. As an adult, the opposite has become true.

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Without providing a thousand pieces of proof I wouldn't be able to convince a single person that I saw Bigfoot, or was abducted by aliens. But I could convince a thousand people that I met Jesus or spoke to god, without providing a single piece of proof.

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It would be really ironic if Bear Grylls died in his own home.

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Humans are inherently lonely cause no one can "hear" your thoughts except you. Even when you express some through words, you cannot describe the full gamut of your mind.

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Educational subreddits like mapporn, Earthporn, and historyporn should change their names. No responsible teacher would tell their students to google something with porn in the name.

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The hydra, which grows three heads for each one you cut off, is a metaphor for the attempt to kill an idea with violence.

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100 years ago, most people were skinny and the rich were fat. Now the poor are fat and the rich are skinny.

Ninja Edit: Hey look at all those up votes! Might as well take full advantage of them.

Eat healthy people! Its one of the best things you can do for yourself.



Justin Bieber is a Canadian who has a hit song called "Sorry".

Love him or hate him, he's living the Canadian dream.

Edit: Credit to /u/smileedude. Sorry.



Humans can literally look at invented squiggles on a screen, hear the sound each squiggle represents, combine those sounds in their heads to form a story, analyse the stories to understand their meanings, and then feel some form of emotional response all so we could shitpost on Reddit.

Human languages are just a bunch of made up sounds, represented by squiggly lines. They grew in time to be the universal way in which our species communicate, to the point where we can send those squiggles throughout the world to communicate globally. Different Languages represent different squiggles and sounds that we haven't learnt about.



Walter White did a better job of getting rid of drug dealers than Hank.

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Even a good harmonica player sucks half of the time.

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If Eve doomed the human race for an apple, what would she do for a Klondike bar?

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A lot of Christians better hope Jesus didn't come back as a Syrian refugee

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I wonder how many people I have killed through the butterfly effect.

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They should sell roof gutters with LEDs built in so you don't have to put up Christmas lights.

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Everyone is 50% centaur

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The first human to take flight was likely a cave baby snatched up by a giant bird of prey.

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Saturday, December 19, 2015

The phrase "a penny for your thoughts" was coined in 1522; if you adjusted for inflation, I wonder how much a thought is worth today.

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The word 'crisp' starts in the back of your mouth and moves its way to the front when you say it.

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"Crunchyroll" (the anime streaming service) should come out with a hentai service called "Spicyroll".

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Only half of an elevator's job is elevating.

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The Force Awakens is the first Star Wars movie to ever be the same number as its episode number.

A New Hope: 1st movie, 4th episode Empire: 2nd movie, 5th episode Jedi: 3rd movie, 6th episode Phantom Menace: 4th movie, 1st episode Clones: 5th movie, 2nd episode Sith: 6th movie, 3rd episode Force Awakens: 7th movie, 7th episode



Telling people, "I've lost 40 pounds," would be a strange way of making them aware of your missing 5 year old.

Easily misinterpreted.



I cannot wait until a dental hygienist needs MY help with a computer. "Now, you know you haven't been backing up your data as frequently as you should, right?"

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Google maps should deploy a feature that would ring an alarm based your approach towards a location. That way you could catch a quick nap on a bus or a train without worrying about missing your stop.

Edit: Okay, I get it, it exists! Leave my Neanderthal-ness and go away!



I have never seen such group-wide restraint and cooperation than in Reddit's collective avoidance of Star Wars spoilers.

Even for the worlds biggest collection of snarky internet jerks, there are some things you just don't mess with. Well done, so far...



The pleas for donations on wikipedia to keep it ad-free are more annoying than adverts would be.

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Could one live just on star wars branded products?

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"I'll see you in hell" should be followed with "and I won't stop to say hi." Otherwise you're just making plans with someone you hate.

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I wonder how many people within a 5 mile radius of me are orgasming right now

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I hope attorneys for Martin Shkreli charge him 55 times their standard rates so he can see how it feels.

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Why on earth are cereal bags not ziploc yet?

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Having a creative password is really unfortunate. Because as much as you want to, you can't tell anyone about it.

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In the future, after the AI revolution, the term "robot" will be racial slur for someone who's ancestors were slaves.

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I've made more important decisions in my life by saying, "fuck it," than through careful thought and analysis

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"Caregiver" and "caretaker" are the same thing, yet they sound like opposites.

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Goyte is now literally just somebody that we used to know.

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Friday, December 18, 2015

Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade is going to suck.

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Uber' Ad campaign should be, "Feel free to get Uber drunk tonight"

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I should have grown my hair really long in my 20's, then cut it off and saved it for use in a custom toupee now that I'm older and bald.

I knew in my 20's that I'd lose my hair in my 40's; it runs in my family. I should have grown my hair really long, cut it off, and saved it - then I could have had a custom toupee made from my own hair so it'd look totally natural.

How neat would that have been?



Teachers have to be in school from age 5 til retirement

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No one has anyway of knowing when their birthday was except by trusting what others say

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"Whoa" expresses awe, and "aww" can express woe

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If someone was reading a book titled, "It's Called A Book," and someone asked them what they were reading, the response would make them seem like a total asshole.

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Eyelashes are the most counterintuitive body part ever. They're supposed to keep shit out of our eyes, but 90% of the time when I have something in my eye, it's a fucking eyelash.

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I'd like to travel back in time and give my younger self some critical advice... But I know it's not going to happen because it didn't happen

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It would suck if you were bisexual and the man of your dreams married the woman of your dreams

Heartbreak x2



As a programmer, my job is to explain to machines what humans want them to do.

I'm like a man machine translator.



At some point in the past, someone looked at a beehive and thought to themselves "They're hiding something tasty in there and I know it"

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It took me 21 years to consciously realize that the people speeding through disclaimers at the ends of commercials are actually recorded speaking normally and then sped up, not superhumans hired for their ability to talk impossibly fast.

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There should be a place that guarantees not to talk to you while giving you a haircut.

This amazing business plan will cater to those introverts, and also the users of reddit.



The US is having so many tragedies and disasters, one would think it was built on thousands of Indian burial grounds...

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I like Reddit better than Facebook...Mostly because I don't know any of you.

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"Jenny Gump" would have been a really sad and dark movie.

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Because Netflix Original Series are released a full season at a time, they are basically like ~20hr movies with "suggested" break times every once in a while.

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The trait that Rhinos have evolved to protect themselves is precisely the reason they're endangered.

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Thursday, December 17, 2015

Some rubbers erase mistakes, some rubbers prevent mistakes from happening.

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Star Wars has basically done the opposite of product placement. Instead of real life brands creeping in to the film, the film has crept in to every brand in real life.

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IMDB should have an "Often Mistaken for" section on actors profiles which has similar looking actors.

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The massive increase of personal cameras has done little to prove the existence of aliens or Bigfoot. However, it has proved beyond a doubt that many humans hurt themselves doing very stupid things.

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Someday there will be a TIL post about how Disney didn't create Star Wars but was actually made by some guy named George Lucas.

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Some 20 year old games don't work because they're broken. 20 years from now some games won't work because their servers are shut down.

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I miss being able to sit up without making sound effects.

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On a clear day you can see about 4 miles into the horizon, but on a clear night you can see light years away

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Prisons should really switch to liquid soap.

A true shower thought.



Movie Theaters sell some the noisiest food you could possibly eat but please, silence your cell phones so as not to disturb others.

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Not caring about Star Wars right now is kinda like being Jewish during December.

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The expression "good for you" was ruined by sarcasm

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If guns don't kill people, and people kill people, then guns don't save people, people save people. Therefore guns are not needed to save people.

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After doing group projects in school, I get why Batman works alone.

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Blowing a dandelion is basically you helping a weed ejaculate.

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Instead of music during the credits for the Deadpool movie, they should have audio clips of Deadpool prank calling other superheros.

Would be cheap way to tie it to marvel universe and cheaply. Plus a crankyankers/jersey boy -Deadpool edition would be funny.



Wednesday, December 16, 2015

It always seems as if the designers of dishwasher racks have never loaded a dishwasher themselves

Those things are always so unnecessarily complex and try to accommodate for too many conveniences



Maybe the reason why aliens don't contact us is because Earth is a galactic version of a Natural Preservation Site.

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100 years from now, people who watch Back to the Future will have a hard time seeing the differences between 1955 and 1985.

Like, if Back to the Future came out in 1885 and was about someone traveling back to 1855, aside from slavery existing, I think I would have a hard time picking up on the subtle differences.



Pornhub should make a video where a old guy "falls into" an 18 year old girl

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In the Deadpool movie, it would be awesome if Deadpool recognized Stan Lee in the cameo.

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There's nothing you can say to a guy who's been struck by lightning multiple times to convince him that his chances of getting hit again are the same as anyone else.

Roy Sullivan was hit seven times during his life. By the fourth time, he was convinced that a force was trying to destroy him.



I don't hesitate to push my partner back to his side of the bed when he's hogging space but I feel bad when I do the same thing to my cat.

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In the year 2021 the phrase "hindsight is 20/20" will be insufferably popular.

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A chicken pecked my thigh today and I realized I had no right to be mad after having bitten in to thousands of chicken thighs

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The first person to make popcorn must have been seriously freaking out.

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Every song in the Grand Theft Auto universe takes hours to complete because of the timescale.

For those who don't play GTA, the time is sped up so that 2 seconds = 1 in-game minute. Every song plays for its real world length. So every time you listen to a song in game, the people in the game are listening to it for the next 2 hours.



Instead of putting cream and sugar in our coffees, why don't we just use ice cream? It has cream, sugar and any kind of flavor you want in it

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/r/Fightclub must be the most inactive sub ever

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The moon is a progress bar loading Christmas this year.

It will be a full moon on Christmas (100%), so from December 11 (the new moon) it is now "loading" December 25



I dated a trans person before they realized they were trans. I'm a straight guy with an ex-boyfriend.

A friend once made a comment about me accidentally "misgendering" this person while talking about him, and I said, look, it's one thing to respect a stranger's pronouns, but I had sex with this individual many, many times...



One thing I'm glad about the year 2016 is that it's easier to correct the mistake of writing 15 to 16

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Trillions of cells with clearly defined purposes and functions come together to form a single organism that agonizes over its purpose in life.

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I have been attempting to use The Force on everyday tasks for over 20 years yet sometimes I'm still genuinely disappointed when it doesn't work.

I had to peel my own banana this morning :/



"You have a small penis" can be an insult to both men and women

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Tuesday, December 15, 2015

If # is a hashtag, then $ should be a cashtag.

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I wish we could "X" away a Netflix suggestion. There are many that I know I'd never watch, but they're still always there. If only we could see a list by process of elimination...

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The four most reassuring words any university student can hear are "I haven't started either"

The four most reassuring words any university student can hear are "I haven't started either"



If Fallout 4 didn't take place in USA you probably wouldn't find live ammo in a dead woman's sundress

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The poor poor mods of almost every sub are going to have Star Wars spoiled for them

Was just thinking about how I hope I don't log onto Reddit Saturday morning and read a bunch of Star Wars spoilers, then realized someone will have to be taking those down. Poor souls.



Every time I hear someone say "Only God can judge me", I imagine God saying "This guy is such an asshole"

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Salty has replaced bitter as the flavor of being upset.

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If women had pouches like kangaroos, do you think they would use them as handbags?

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It's unfortunate that Scientology is called Scientology.

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Will we start calling 2020, 2030 etc the 20s and the 30s??

that would be pretty cool.



Crepes? No. Frenchiladas.

I mean. Same thing, right?



The only things we ever love are serotonin and dopamine.

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Romantically speaking, I don't want to find someone to grow old with, I want to find someone to stay young with

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A smoke detector will get your attention in one of two instances: when it's about to die or when you're about to die.

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Everybody gets all excited about being pregnant and talks about what a magical experience it is to nurture and protect a living thing while it grows inside of you, but everyone freaks out over getting a tapeworm.

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"Happy Days" was the 1970's version of "That 70's show"

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Adblock is so good, if no one complained about Star Wars memorabilia being over the top, I would have had no idea.

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Anyone could die at any point because of any reason so there has probably been some point in your life where a simple decision has saved your life.

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We put clocks in our mobile phones, so we didn't need to look at watches. Now we put mobile phones in our watches so we don't need to look at our mobile phones.

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"Dick pics" should have been called "junk mail"

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Even when Reddit's servers are down, I can procrastinate my homework by refreshing the page to see if its up yet.

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Idiots have too much confidence in their intelligence. Intelligent people constantly question their own intelligence. This seems odd, yet the intelligence levels of both parties makes it completely reasonable.

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If you somehow managed to invent time travel and survive the process itself, you will likely die in outer space as the earth does not remain stationary.

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Monday, December 14, 2015

When games say "GAME OVER" it's usually in the middle when you need to try again, they never say "GAME OVER" at the end of the game - when it ACTUALLY ends.

although most games dont even say game over anymore, just roll credits.



Elves work for free, aren't considered human, and are only 3/5ths the size of a normal person. Santa owns slaves.

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Always bring the banana to your mouth, never bring your mouth to the banana.

Unless you want to be the banana's bitch.



Snails would be a lot scarier if they were fast.

Think about it.



"AKA" is what "Also Known As" is also known as

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"Real men have beards" is the male version of "Real women have curves."

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If Adele and Taylor Swift were lesbians, we would get to hear both sides of the breakup.

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There's no better alarm clock than a dog preparing to puke on the carpet.

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Snapchat Is Probably The Largest Child Pornography Trafficker In The World

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As a bald, hairy man, I should probably shampoo my body and use body wash soap on my head.

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Actors get paid more to pretend to go into space than astronauts get paid to actually go!

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Sex is the only activity where hiring a professional is considered wrong and is often illegal

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Toy Story 2 has the only plausible scene of someone crawling through air vents as a means of traveling through a building.

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If computers became self-aware, the next logical step for them would be to not let humans know they are self-aware. So computers could already be self-aware and we would be none the wiser

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Now that Kobe Bryant is retiring, I'll have to pick a new name to yell when I shoot trash at my garbage can.

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My math teachers always told me that I couldn't carry a calculator around with me every day. They were AMAZINGLY wrong...

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When I was a child, every time I asked how to spell a word, my parents told me to look it up in the dictionary. At the time I thought it was some kind of life lesson. But now, as an adult, I'm pretty sure they just sucked at spelling.

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Ugly Christmas sweaters were only interesting when they weren't intentionally ugly. Ugly Christmas sweater parties essentially killed ugly Christmas sweater parties.

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Having "active shooter" drills in schools is teaching your shooters where you'll be hiding.

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The "TIL" subreddit should really be called, "today I got stuck in a wiki loop and this is what i found

The "TIL" subreddit should really be called, "today I got stuck in a wiki loop and this is what i found



Sunday, December 13, 2015

Now that I'm a parent, I wonder how much money my parents pissed away on toys that I can't remember even having.

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My mom always told me, "Don't talk to strangers online." But that's all I do.

Edit: This is very irrelevant but,

,':)

Eyebrows



One day a carton of milk will have the same expiration date I do...

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The song "happy birthday" doesn't have any verbs.

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I want to start a major software company called "Orange," just so when I get compared to Steve Jobs, I can say, "Woah, now. You're just comparing Apples to Oranges, here."

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If a Mars Rover ever breaks down, NASA would have a 4th world problem.

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Children could be taught to love and excel at mathematics if the media would stop perpetrating this idea of a "math person".

media and adults in general.

edit: perpetrating perpetuating .



I've never seen a woman whistling in a corridor or other public place - it's literally always a man

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A massive hydrogen explosion 93,000,000 miles away burns the skin of millions of people every year, and kills hundreds and of thousands of people every year.

The Sun is a very powerful force.



If I used the term "Walmart sized people", you'd know exactly who I was talking about.

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Imagine if everybody knew sign language. Having a second universal language that didn't require noise would revolutionize society and how efficiently we communicated with each other.

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As a child I was told Wikipedia was an unreliable website and I should never use it. Now it's the first place I go when I need information.

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Judging by all the great loot to be found in every dungeon-filled fantasy game, those worlds are filled with multiple races with tremendous respect for the dead, never disturbing their rest. Then you come along...

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In Phantom Menace, there were more than a hundred Jedi and only 2 Sith. If Anakin is meant to bring balance to the force, the Jedi council must have known what the only logical outcome of training Anakin will have been.

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If sexuality is a spectrum then why do gay people get the whole rainbow?

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Crabs are basically battle spiders

Guys



The upcoming Angry Birds movie will be most accurate if tickets are free, but the movie stops every few minutes for 30-second ads.

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Browsing Reddit is a lot like living with a baby brother who made a funny joke that everyone in the family laughed at, but now won't stop repeating the joke.

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Saturday, December 12, 2015

Apple needs to make celebrity Siris before it's too late. I want my phone to sound like HAL 9000 or Morgan Freeman.

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The junk food you eat while you're high is probably worse for your health than the marijuana.

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Winter is like the Earth's period. No one likes it, but we get worried when it's late

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The smarter you are, the more aware of how little you know.

The smarter you are, the more aware you are of how little you know. Edit: words I must be a genius!



My dick has never touched a ceiling.

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The guy following Bear Grylls with heavy camera gear is way more badass than Bear Grylls himself

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You never realize how cluttered your desk is until you spill a glass of water.

Shit



Burger King should make a mexican flavored whopper with nacho cheese and jalapeƱos and call it the EL-Whopo.

In reference to el-chapo of course. It could have nacho cheese, jalapeƱos, pepper jack etc..... I'd definitely order one!



So much Metal dedicated to Satan, and maybe he's more of a K-Pop kinda guy

One day he could actually come to the surface and be like "Y'know, Metalheads, I appreciate it and everything, but where's Park Jeong-Su btw?, I'd like him to sign my tit".



A thousand seconds ago, I was on Reddit. A million seconds ago, I was at work last week. A billion seconds ago, I was in 7th grade. A trillion seconds ago, Neanderthals roamed the earth.

(I'm 45.)



Tony Stark is an atheist, yet one of his friends is literally a god.

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10 year old me would shit his pants if he could see how many games I own in my Steam library

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Now Taylor Swift is the one that wears short skirts and high heels instead of t-shirts and sneakers.

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Mr.peanut advertises the genocide of his own kind

Mr. Peanut is a sick puppy



Thanks to the internet, it feels more intimate to see a woman without make-up on than a woman without clothes on.

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If we can make dog whistles that only dogs hear, why don't we make squeaky toys that don't bother the hell out of humans?

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One day a carton of milk will have the same expiration date as I will.

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10,000's or 100,000's of people all keeping a secret for 50 years that the moon landings were faked would be a far greater achievement than actually landing on the Moon.

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A group of starfish should be called a galaxy

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A name doesn't tell me much about a person, but it can say a lot about their parents.

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Lesbians that use dildos are like Vegans that use meat and cheese substitute

amirite?



Friday, December 11, 2015

When I was a child, my parents said I would understand once I was parent. Now that I am, I understand how terrible my parents really were.

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Having depression is like being your own bully

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Getting married takes signing one document, getting divorced is close to 100. Shouldn't it be harder to get married than divorced so we'll avoid more divorces?

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I wonder how many times I've seen the same bird

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There should be a mission in the next GTA game where you show up to a drug deal, it goes exactly as planned, and then the mission just ends with everyone getting what they wanted.

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The guy who did the cinematography for the film JFK (1991), has “shot JFK” on his rĆ©sumĆ©.

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All the Trump haters seem to disregard the fact that we'd probably get some pretty sweet new punk bands out of his presidency.

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There are three pronunciations of the letter 'a' in the name Abraham

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I bet Dog Heaven is located directly underneath Toddlers Eating Messily At A Table Heaven.

EDIT: While this thought was supposed to be a cute thought about how dogs love eating food dropped from the table, I realize now that I neglected to think about how Toddlers Eating Messily At A Kitchen Table Heaven would get all its inhabitants!



If we changed the rhetoric from "Save the Planet" to "Save Ourselves," some shit might actually get done. The planet will still be here in 5 million years. We, on the other hand, may not.

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I was recently at a Motley Crue concert. There was lots of fire and explosions. There were many pentagrams and people singing. If you took a person from 200 years ago and dropped them in the middle of the concert, they might think they are in hell.

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One day robots are going to be sentient beings going through a fight for equal rights, and we'll be the old generation saying "I'm not giving voting rights to a damn machine", while our grandkids talk about how backward we all are

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It's gonna be really weird in 60 years seeing old white people riding around in their car listening to loud rap music

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Have I ever had the same dollar twice?

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In the porn universe. The 2nd guy on the delivery run never gets his pizza.

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Clickbait articles are like that kid from elementary school who said "guess what?" and then "no you have to guess"

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We could have literally blinked into existence at this very moment and just had our brains programmed to have an understanding of our past.

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I wonder how many people I've seen in public more than once and didn't realise it.

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"Hello" by Adele is going to be eerie when it comes on the radio after she dies some day.

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There should be a Netflix category that has the holiday episodes from all the different shows grouped together.

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Landfills are going to intrigue the hell out of archeologists in a couple million years.

All of that twisted metal and non biodegradable synthetics. Not to mention with all the food we waste every year, there's got to be a decent amount of chicken bones to leave them scratching their heads for a few days.



If the pen is mightier than the sword, then the keyboard is mightier than the assault rifle

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You put things in a folder to keep them from getting folded

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My dead dads breath is still in the almost deflated kiddie pool in he closet. I wonder how often that happens.

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Shouldn't Saw uncut edition be the censored version of the movie?

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Most people seem to Netflix and Chill, but I download everything. So does that make it Pirate and Booty?

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Thursday, December 10, 2015

PornHub should create an ad campaign spinoff similar to Snickers. "You're not you when you're horny"

Show the dad being a dick, making snide remarks to his wife, destroying his kid's Lego castle, etc. Skip the masturbation but then show him being a good husband and father.

Pm me Katie



I carry my phone with me to the bathroom to browse reddit literally for "shits and giggles".

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I always assumed I'd grow up to have an awesome signature like my parents but mine still looks like it's written by someone with no fingers.

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It's said that 95 percent of the ocean hasn't been explored. What if at the very bottom is a rational and sentient being, but just like we aren't able to observe deep enough to find it, it isn't able to observe high enough to find us

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Reddit is like fallout 4 you wander in a vast wasteland and occasionally find useful junk.

Oh look jolly ranchers!



If Santa can say "Ho" 3 times a second, "Ho-ho-ho", and if you consider the blinding rate at which he would need to travel around the earth to deliver all those presents in 24 hours, then all of Santas "Ho"s would be in different area codes. Ludacris would be proud.

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I wonder what would happen if you only let kids watch strictly black and white films from the 50's for the first ten years of their life, and then on their 10th birthday showed them Avatar in 3D.

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Ignorance is only bliss when it's mine. When it's somebody else's, then it's torture.

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I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

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Either the universe had a beginning, or it didn't. Either possibility is a mindfuck

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Banks should keep a reserve of fake money in the safe to give out during robberies.

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Lunchables are like MRE's for children.

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My primary motivator for taking showers... Is definitely just in case I get to have sex in the next 24hrs.

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Since girls are more turned on by men's forearms, doing manual chores, when their shirts briefly lift revealing a stomach, guys should send those instead of dick pics

at least it wouldnt be as gross



The prehistoric men, the ones who discovered fire, who migrated across Earth, forming the civilizations and technology we have today, are invariably some of the most important historical figures, and we will never know their names.

EDIT: Folks, this wasn't meant to be sexist at all. The word, "Man" can be defined as, "a member of the human race". That's how I meant it.

Also, I was half asleep when I wrote this.



"Creed" is awesome because it's about a guy living in the Hollywood Hills who moves to live with his uncle in West Philadelphia and then gets in one little fight. "Creed" is a reverse "Fresh Prince of Bel Air".

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Reddit needs an anti-gold. Something that shows up next to your comment that lets everyone know I support Reddit but that you're an asshole

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Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Saying "Thank God!" is almost like saying "Allahu Akbar!". However, if I stood up after finishing my math test and said "Allahu Akbar", everyone would freak out.

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The only reason that "showerthoughts" is even a thing is because showering is one of the rare times when you have no access to the internet so therefore you have to make thoughts of your own.

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I sit in school 7 hours a day, but get told sitting at a computer for 7 hours a day is unhealthy.

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Captain America teaches children that steroids make you more attractive and better at fighting evil

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/r/reversegif should just be called /r/fig

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Why don't pizza companies have icecream -style trucks drive around in the evenings making pizzas on request? I would come running if I heard the Pizza Van playing greensleeves in our street.

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I am more financially stable in Fallout 4, a game set in a post apocalyptic wasteland, than I am in real life.

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White trash is such a hateful phrase. I prefer the term "caucasian non-recyclables"

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Having a good post on Reddit is like a one hit wonder for musicians, popular one day, completely forgotten the next

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Disabling AdBlock after many years is like leaving the quiet countryside and hitting the big city for the first time

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If I had a PhD, I'd buy takeout a lot, and when it got to me I'd say "this is just what the doctor ordered."

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The Flintstones celebrated Christmas thousand years before the birth of Christ

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The fact that an ad thanking me for not using Adblock is the only one that managed to sneak through my Adblock is hilarious.

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"Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have" is terrible advice if you want to be a police officer. Or a stripper.

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tl:dr, is a tl:dr of 'too long, didn't read', because 'too long, didn't read' is too long to read.

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The story of The Tortoise and The Hare isn't that slow and steady wins the race. It's don't be arrogant and slack off.

If the hare hadn't been cocky he would have just run the race start to finish and won. He just thought that he was so good he can slack off.



If my parents had named me "Pepper", I'd have been much more enthusiastic about pursuing a PhD.

"Dr. Pepper" just has a nice ring to it...



In Stuart Little, the Little family walked into an orphanage, looked at ever child there, and decided on a rodent.

Same diet for all of them: Crumbs



Antivirus programs should be put into a 'Hunger Games' style combat, all installed on one PC and all told each other is a virus. The winner is the one still working.

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Hip hop songs about having excessive amounts of money and spending it carelessly on cars and jewelry don't make me feel the need to pay for music.

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If I see a haiku, I always count the syllables just to make sure.

Trust nobody!



If you don't have kids and don't drive, you're an environmental saint.

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I wonder if I have ever REALLY run out of toothpaste or if I only ran out of ambition?

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How many years until the saying, "you look like 1 million bucks." becomes an insult due to inflation?

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One thing I would NOT do for a Klondike bar - drive to the store right now just to buy a Klondike bar

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Finals week for Red Bull must be like 4/20 for Taco Bell...

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Whenever I hear somebody say "Egyptians" I never think that they're talking about people who currently live in Egypt

Same thing with Greeks and Romans.



Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Male and female reindeer have antlers, but the males shed theirs in winter. So... that means Santa's reindeer are all women.

My wife realized this just now.



The moral of Rudolph the Red nose reindeer is that no one likes you unless you're useful.

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Walking into a glass door is the best complement a window washer can get.

Edit: I can't spell



I never go to the second page of a search engine to see more results, I just change the words in the search bar

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As an early 90's child, I'm really glad that a 6 to 15-year-old me couldn't post my thoughts all over the Internet.

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zombies who can escape from their grave should be able to tear a door off its hinges, and I don't think I've ever seen this addressed.

sees zombie who clawed its way out of a coffin nailed and pinned down by 6 feet of packed earth

"QUICK! lock the DOOR!!"



When I comment news on Facebook, I feel like I'm one of the most knowledgeable in the conversation. When I do on Reddit, I know for a fact someone else is.

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The greatest impact of self driving cars will be on pranks. Your mate passes out in London after drinks, stick them in the car, shout "Aberdeen" at the computer and send them on their way.

Other options include stag do pranks: gaffa taping them up naked in their car and telling it to park at the nearest police station.

What a time to be alive



People talk about China's pollution, but isn't that just our pollution in China? 'We' moved the factories over specifically for lax environmental laws and cheap labor. China's pollution is our pollution.

Edit: As has been correctly pointed out my op is inaccurate and a gross generalization. True. I'm leaving it, because I think the slight shift in perspective, and an acknowledgement of our (the Wests) role is important.

Hope y'all have a good, clean day!



Watching an Ad three million times on Hulu makes me hate the company more than anything

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Yesterday my Steam account turned 9 years old. Eventually my steam account will be older than the people I am playing against.

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I always find it substantially harder to get to sleep at night when I know there's an alarm set to wake me early in the morning

There's generally never any problems with getting to sleep, but once that alarm is set for the morning I'm just restless and energised. It's like my brain is trying to mess with me to make my next day as hard as possible



If I heard voices I would always wear a Bluetooth so I could answer them without social stigma

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"If you ain't first, you're last" sounds really stupid until you end up in a Human Centipede.

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Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water - but what fool digs a well at the TOP of a hill?

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Getting happy birthday sung to you never used to be awkward but one year it just became awkward and stayed that way

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There are no rhymes in sign language.

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The town of Whoville appears in both "Horton Hears a Who" and "How the Grinch Stole Christmas". This means "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" takes place on the same dust speck Horton rescued.

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1000 years ago people worshipped Thor, the god of thunder. In another 1000 years, will Jesus Christ join the Avengers?

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I wish Spotify had a 'never play this song again' option.

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I'm really glad my dog can't talk, he knows too much.

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Monday, December 7, 2015

Michael Jackson impersonators have the option of being black or white.

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Is calling a watch design 'Timeless' an insult or compliment?

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Since coal is about $40.00 per ton, if Santa gives me a pound of coal for Christmas he's giving me his two cents about my attitude

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I type 'lol' whenever I think something is funny, yet I type 'hahaha' when I actually laugh out loud.

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I think from now on, I'm going to sing about my problems. Whenever I talk about them, people are like, "Shut up Tim, everyone has problems." Nobody ever says that to Adele.

Fact



Chanukkah is the Bumberpatch Cucumberfinkel of holidays, where no matter how off your spelling is people still know what you're talking about

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How attractive I feel changes a lot from day to day, week to week, but I probably look exactly the same to everyone else.

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The Futurama quote, "If you do things right, people won't know you've done anything at all." Is literally the CIA.

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If anything terrible should ever happen to Weird Al, God forbid, there should be a tribute concert where artists perform Al's versions of their songs.

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If batman's parents were still alive he would probably still be raised by Alfred.

And probably a foreign nanny.



You kill time until time kills you

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Star Wars and Metallica fans are the same: die hard fans that never stop talking about their first three albums, have been disappointed with everything since then and are always hopeful the next release will redeem them.

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There should be a r/5050 subreddit combining real world news headlines with headlines from The Onion

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A guy I could BARELY take seriously as a reality show host currently has a 50% shot at being president.

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If sex is called Intercourse, shouldn't masturbation be called Intracourse?

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After overhearing a girl ask if cocaine was gluten free, I think I'm officially done with LA.

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My dog's favorite sound is probably me saying "oh, shit" from the kitchen.

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There should be a subreddit where people submit things they've been texted or told via social media and others help them respond with good comebacks

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The oldest person alive is 116 years old, that means 117 years ago there was a completely different set of people on earth. Anyone who was alive on earth when she was born is now dead.

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The missing Malaysia flight 370 is exactly what the show "Lost" would've looked like from the rest of the world's POV.

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"Netflix and Chill" used to actually work before everybody gave it a name

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Sunday, December 6, 2015

Instead of 15 second commercials that can be skipped after 5 seconds, YouTube should just use 6 second commercials. Vine has proved that is enough time to get a full thought across.

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If a blind person tells their significant other they've been seeing someone, it could either be really terrible news or really great news

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Shark Tank is one long commercial with commercials inbetween

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A clock is a time machine.

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They should make all washroom/restrooms pull to enter and push to exit to prevent the spread of germs

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Ten years ago, if a girl had told me she was going to get her "selfie stick" I'd have thought things were about to get AWESOME.

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I wonder if the mars colony will declare independence in a few hundred years because of a tax.

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Coffee should have a caffeine percentage indicator just like alcohol percentage in beer, wine, etc.

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I don't believe in Mrs. Claus. I think she was invented because people couldn't handle the idea of an unmarried elderly man watching children all year long then giving them presents based on his own deluded judgement of naughty and nice.

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Whenever I see a reddit meme on Facebook, I should just reply with the top comment. Everyone will think I'm super clever.

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I wake up to a cup of coffee and browse Reddit every morning. I'm the modern day grandpa with his daily newspaper.

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A lot of people will be showing up drunk at their ex's place when self-driving cars become the norm.

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All-you-can-eat restaurants should tell you at the end of your meal how much it would have cost at a normal restaurant

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Right now there is probably someone writing a book or singing a song that is amazing, that no one will ever hear about.

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'Vader' means father in dutch, so the dutch knew Darth Vader was a father all along...

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To someone who did not know any better an outstanding balance would sound like a good thing.

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If the 3 search engines were a family; Yahoo would be the dead beat dad who's never there, Google would be the stressed out single mom trying to solve all the problems, and Bing would be the rebellious teenage son trying to do everything on his own.

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The shittier your camera, the higher chance you'll encounter some rare, creepy, unidentified creature

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People who post their opinions on social media will never realize how dumb it comes across to people who do not post their opinions.

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If Frosty the Snowman was human, his name would be "Fleshy the Person"

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If I lost my parents, received a huge inheritance and my best friend's family were really struggling financially, I'd definitely help them out. Fuck you, Harry Potter.

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If every person on Earth was in a single-elimination coin flipping tournament, it would only take 33 rounds to crown a champion.

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Saturday, December 5, 2015

People expect the secret message to change when playing the camp game "telephone," but they have absolute faith that religious texts, translated and copied thousands of times over multiple centuries, are perfectly correct.

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Gandalf forced a party on Bilbo to get rid of all his food so he wouldn't have a rotten pantry when he came back.

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They should make digital speed limit signs and change them regularly based on the weather, condition of the road, and amount of traffic

TIL they do and I'm an uncultured swine



You never really think about how long 20 seconds is until you are standing in front of the microwave and have to pee.

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In the end The Grinch still stole Christmas because he became such a classic character at Christmastime.

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When we do a robot dance, we are mocking a machine's inability to replicate our movement

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As a husband with kids, our entire family has been in my wife's vagina.

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When I invent something new, I will name it in such a way that it would rhyme with "orange", so that poets and song writers can finally rhyme and end their lines with "orange". It would subsequently make the invention well-known.

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Abstinence-only sex ed is like a defensive driving course that says, "Don't drive."

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Imagine being deaf and finding out that farts make noise

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When I am sad, I hear the lyrics of the song. When I am happy, I hear the beat of the song.

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Being blackout drunk and the first 3 years of your existence are basically the same experience

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Holding down the power button until my device turns off is like strangling somebody until they stop breathing.

Or waiting for a call to go to voicemail without declining it



When I first got a cellphone in 1998 I was self-conscious using it in public. Now I'm self-conscious if I sit in a public place too long without staring at the screen.

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Its odd that PornHub's comment section is less dumb and more friendly than YouTube's

Not that I read PornHub comments. I'm not a weirdo, I swear!



Saying "we can still be friends" after a breakup is like saying "the dog died but we can still keep it"

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If I have Facebook open on one tab, and questionable content open on another tab, I feel like everyone can see what I'm browsing.

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As a barista, I wonder how many of my Lattes are on Instagram

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I wonder if there are any times on the clock that I have never seen

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I want an app called "The Fonz" that plays random music when I pound the table next to my phone.

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The more I use other substances the more I realize alcohol is a horrible horrible drug.

The hangovers, the negative health effects, the widespread drinking and driving. The only positive to alcohol is that its socially acceptable. There are other substances (no, not just weed you damn pot-heads) that give similar effects with none of those negative side effects. But of course our paternalistic nancy-ass government will put you in jail for using them, even though our ancestors first started using them thousands of years ago. Whatever, man.

/soapbox off.



When Email was first starting to become available, everyone warned against how dangerous it was to use your real name as your email address. Now, if your email address is not your real name, I automatically assume you're a weirdo or someone who doesn't know how to use Email.

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I wish The Cure would send cease and desist letters to the Susan G. Komen Foundation

title^



My kids are better about turning off lights and closing doors in Minecraft than IRL.

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Casinos should play monopoly with actual money

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The word ''swims'' is the same upside down

Edit: With capital letters



The game "Kiss, Kill, or Marry" could also conceivably be called "Fork, Knife, or Spoon"

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