Thursday, December 31, 2015
I want to see a Star Wars where the light side is a giant fascist empire that preaches lack of individual thought and complete lack of emotion, and the dark side is a small pocket of resistance who value the existence of intense emotions, including recognizing the necessity of grief and sadness.
The human body is 70% water so we're basically cucumbers with anxiety.
Saw this on Twitter.
Blue + yellow = green. Water + Sun = plants.
Your butthole is really just the back of your mouth.
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
The app is called Tinder because you get matches.
I have never heard something be described as "Too Shabby."
The first word I say every year is "happy" and the last is "one"
I just realized "discovered" is the negative form of "covered"
Two people can never go to each others funerals.
Unless its a joint funeral.
I don't trust microwave ovens that don't spin the food
When my ex dies I'm gonna write her a bitchuary.
Throughout my life, I'll probably cum more times than I'll cry.
Rain would be a lot more intimidating if it all fell at once.
Movie theaters should provide an audio jack in each seat, so patrons can use noise cancelling headphones, and they can also be used for dubbed audio for other languages.
No more complaints of other people talking. Also, they can show the English and Spanish version at the same time.
Canada is 50% the letter A, but it is abbreviated CND
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
If you had clappers installed in your bedroom, would the smacking from sex cause them to turn on and off?
Talk about a mood killer.
The bathrooms in Star Wars must have to be pretty versatile to suit all the different species.
Just think of the height range need for urinals alone.
A fish tank is the opposite of a submarine.
Belt loops are like belts for a belt.
I never realized how unfunny I was until I made a reddit.
A papercut is a tree's last revenge.
Saturday, December 26, 2015
"shitpost" is an anagram of "stop this"
Friday, December 25, 2015
Thursday, December 24, 2015
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
There will be one last time someone thinks of you.
My wife is also my ex-fiancee.
FedEx and UPS drivers are the closest things we have to an actual Santa Claus, and Amazon is essentially the north pole.
Tracking my package through Amazon like Norad's Santa Tracker.
For a change I´d like to know how much karma I´ve given out
I want to start a business that sells shampoo and body wash with a sticker on the back that has the ingredients and whatnot along with a tab that says "pull here in case of forgotten phone." that reveals another sticker with an interesting article.
Edit: FOR USE WHEN SHITTING!
I have never heard a baby say goo goo gaa gaa
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
I bet "best friend's mom" would be a marketable fragrance.
We should thank Spacex for replacing Miss Universe with something that matters on all our feeds.
Was getting a bit sick of the cringey f*** up vid and Steve Harvey memes
Mike Rowe should be cast as Ernest
Technically light is the only thing I've ever seen.
Calling someone from Earth "Miss Universe" seems a little naive
Monday, December 21, 2015
Imagine us waiting for 2016 but out comes 2015 S instead.
Shouldn't Neil Degrasse Tyson be the host of Miss Universe? He knows more about universes ....and can read.
Shouldn't Neil Degrasse Tyson be the host of Miss Universe? He is qualified by knowing more about universes ....and can read.
I like how the term “as f*ck” is a common unit of measurement.
The world ended 3 years ago on this date, December 21, 2012.
When a microwave beeps, it should start counting up. That way when the directions say "let sit for 4 minutes" you actually know how long it's been.
Also if you see the timer at 99:99 you know you left something in there all day.
I was much better at being myself when I was a kid.
Do you think Santa regrets giving all those naughty kids coal now that global warming is threatening his home?
tbh I got this from someone's Twitter
Last week, I was a proud owner of "Star Wars: The Complete Saga"
'Gluten Tag' would be a really great name for a German Bakery.
Or maybe even a stupid gluten-free German bakery.
Sunday, December 20, 2015
If I had never seen a bike in action I would never believe they work
"you need three wheels, at minimum" - potential me
Any salad is Caeser salad if you put 23 knives in it.
Without providing a thousand pieces of proof I wouldn't be able to convince a single person that I saw Bigfoot, or was abducted by aliens. But I could convince a thousand people that I met Jesus or spoke to god, without providing a single piece of proof.
It would be really ironic if Bear Grylls died in his own home.
100 years ago, most people were skinny and the rich were fat. Now the poor are fat and the rich are skinny.
Ninja Edit: Hey look at all those up votes! Might as well take full advantage of them.
Eat healthy people! Its one of the best things you can do for yourself.
Justin Bieber is a Canadian who has a hit song called "Sorry".
Humans can literally look at invented squiggles on a screen, hear the sound each squiggle represents, combine those sounds in their heads to form a story, analyse the stories to understand their meanings, and then feel some form of emotional response all so we could shitpost on Reddit.
Human languages are just a bunch of made up sounds, represented by squiggly lines. They grew in time to be the universal way in which our species communicate, to the point where we can send those squiggles throughout the world to communicate globally. Different Languages represent different squiggles and sounds that we haven't learnt about.
Even a good harmonica player sucks half of the time.
Saturday, December 19, 2015
Only half of an elevator's job is elevating.
The Force Awakens is the first Star Wars movie to ever be the same number as its episode number.
A New Hope: 1st movie, 4th episode Empire: 2nd movie, 5th episode Jedi: 3rd movie, 6th episode Phantom Menace: 4th movie, 1st episode Clones: 5th movie, 2nd episode Sith: 6th movie, 3rd episode Force Awakens: 7th movie, 7th episode
Google maps should deploy a feature that would ring an alarm based your approach towards a location. That way you could catch a quick nap on a bus or a train without worrying about missing your stop.
Edit: Okay, I get it, it exists! Leave my Neanderthal-ness and go away!
I have never seen such group-wide restraint and cooperation than in Reddit's collective avoidance of Star Wars spoilers.
Even for the worlds biggest collection of snarky internet jerks, there are some things you just don't mess with. Well done, so far...
Could one live just on star wars branded products?
Why on earth are cereal bags not ziploc yet?
Goyte is now literally just somebody that we used to know.
Friday, December 18, 2015
I should have grown my hair really long in my 20's, then cut it off and saved it for use in a custom toupee now that I'm older and bald.
I knew in my 20's that I'd lose my hair in my 40's; it runs in my family. I should have grown my hair really long, cut it off, and saved it - then I could have had a custom toupee made from my own hair so it'd look totally natural.
How neat would that have been?
Teachers have to be in school from age 5 til retirement
"Whoa" expresses awe, and "aww" can express woe
As a programmer, my job is to explain to machines what humans want them to do.
I'm like a man machine translator.
It took me 21 years to consciously realize that the people speeding through disclaimers at the ends of commercials are actually recorded speaking normally and then sped up, not superhumans hired for their ability to talk impossibly fast.
There should be a place that guarantees not to talk to you while giving you a haircut.
This amazing business plan will cater to those introverts, and also the users of reddit.
"Jenny Gump" would have been a really sad and dark movie.
Thursday, December 17, 2015
I miss being able to sit up without making sound effects.
Prisons should really switch to liquid soap.
A true shower thought.
The expression "good for you" was ruined by sarcasm
Blowing a dandelion is basically you helping a weed ejaculate.
Instead of music during the credits for the Deadpool movie, they should have audio clips of Deadpool prank calling other superheros.
Would be cheap way to tie it to marvel universe and cheaply. Plus a crankyankers/jersey boy -Deadpool edition would be funny.
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
It always seems as if the designers of dishwasher racks have never loaded a dishwasher themselves
Those things are always so unnecessarily complex and try to accommodate for too many conveniences
100 years from now, people who watch Back to the Future will have a hard time seeing the differences between 1955 and 1985.
Like, if Back to the Future came out in 1885 and was about someone traveling back to 1855, aside from slavery existing, I think I would have a hard time picking up on the subtle differences.
There's nothing you can say to a guy who's been struck by lightning multiple times to convince him that his chances of getting hit again are the same as anyone else.
Roy Sullivan was hit seven times during his life. By the fourth time, he was convinced that a force was trying to destroy him.
Every song in the Grand Theft Auto universe takes hours to complete because of the timescale.
For those who don't play GTA, the time is sped up so that 2 seconds = 1 in-game minute. Every song plays for its real world length. So every time you listen to a song in game, the people in the game are listening to it for the next 2 hours.
/r/Fightclub must be the most inactive sub ever
The moon is a progress bar loading Christmas this year.
It will be a full moon on Christmas (100%), so from December 11 (the new moon) it is now "loading" December 25
I dated a trans person before they realized they were trans. I'm a straight guy with an ex-boyfriend.
A friend once made a comment about me accidentally "misgendering" this person while talking about him, and I said, look, it's one thing to respect a stranger's pronouns, but I had sex with this individual many, many times...
I have been attempting to use The Force on everyday tasks for over 20 years yet sometimes I'm still genuinely disappointed when it doesn't work.
I had to peel my own banana this morning :/
"You have a small penis" can be an insult to both men and women
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
If # is a hashtag, then $ should be a cashtag.
The four most reassuring words any university student can hear are "I haven't started either"
The four most reassuring words any university student can hear are "I haven't started either"
The poor poor mods of almost every sub are going to have Star Wars spoiled for them
Was just thinking about how I hope I don't log onto Reddit Saturday morning and read a bunch of Star Wars spoilers, then realized someone will have to be taking those down. Poor souls.
Salty has replaced bitter as the flavor of being upset.
It's unfortunate that Scientology is called Scientology.
Will we start calling 2020, 2030 etc the 20s and the 30s??
that would be pretty cool.
Crepes? No. Frenchiladas.
I mean. Same thing, right?
The only things we ever love are serotonin and dopamine.
"Happy Days" was the 1970's version of "That 70's show"
"Dick pics" should have been called "junk mail"
Monday, December 14, 2015
When games say "GAME OVER" it's usually in the middle when you need to try again, they never say "GAME OVER" at the end of the game - when it ACTUALLY ends.
although most games dont even say game over anymore, just roll credits.
Always bring the banana to your mouth, never bring your mouth to the banana.
Unless you want to be the banana's bitch.
Snails would be a lot scarier if they were fast.
Think about it.
"AKA" is what "Also Known As" is also known as
When I was a child, every time I asked how to spell a word, my parents told me to look it up in the dictionary. At the time I thought it was some kind of life lesson. But now, as an adult, I'm pretty sure they just sucked at spelling.
The "TIL" subreddit should really be called, "today I got stuck in a wiki loop and this is what i found
The "TIL" subreddit should really be called, "today I got stuck in a wiki loop and this is what i found
Sunday, December 13, 2015
My mom always told me, "Don't talk to strangers online." But that's all I do.
Edit: This is very irrelevant but,
,':)
Eyebrows
The song "happy birthday" doesn't have any verbs.
Children could be taught to love and excel at mathematics if the media would stop perpetrating this idea of a "math person".
media and adults in general.
edit: perpetrating perpetuating .
A massive hydrogen explosion 93,000,000 miles away burns the skin of millions of people every year, and kills hundreds and of thousands of people every year.
The Sun is a very powerful force.
Saturday, December 12, 2015
The smarter you are, the more aware of how little you know.
The smarter you are, the more aware you are of how little you know. Edit: words I must be a genius!
My dick has never touched a ceiling.
Burger King should make a mexican flavored whopper with nacho cheese and jalapeƱos and call it the EL-Whopo.
In reference to el-chapo of course. It could have nacho cheese, jalapeƱos, pepper jack etc..... I'd definitely order one!
So much Metal dedicated to Satan, and maybe he's more of a K-Pop kinda guy
One day he could actually come to the surface and be like "Y'know, Metalheads, I appreciate it and everything, but where's Park Jeong-Su btw?, I'd like him to sign my tit".
Mr.peanut advertises the genocide of his own kind
Mr. Peanut is a sick puppy
A group of starfish should be called a galaxy
Friday, December 11, 2015
Having depression is like being your own bully
I wonder how many times I've seen the same bird
I bet Dog Heaven is located directly underneath Toddlers Eating Messily At A Table Heaven.
EDIT: While this thought was supposed to be a cute thought about how dogs love eating food dropped from the table, I realize now that I neglected to think about how Toddlers Eating Messily At A Kitchen Table Heaven would get all its inhabitants!
I was recently at a Motley Crue concert. There was lots of fire and explosions. There were many pentagrams and people singing. If you took a person from 200 years ago and dropped them in the middle of the concert, they might think they are in hell.
One day robots are going to be sentient beings going through a fight for equal rights, and we'll be the old generation saying "I'm not giving voting rights to a damn machine", while our grandkids talk about how backward we all are
Have I ever had the same dollar twice?
Landfills are going to intrigue the hell out of archeologists in a couple million years.
All of that twisted metal and non biodegradable synthetics. Not to mention with all the food we waste every year, there's got to be a decent amount of chicken bones to leave them scratching their heads for a few days.
You put things in a folder to keep them from getting folded
Thursday, December 10, 2015
PornHub should create an ad campaign spinoff similar to Snickers. "You're not you when you're horny"
Show the dad being a dick, making snide remarks to his wife, destroying his kid's Lego castle, etc. Skip the masturbation but then show him being a good husband and father.
Pm me Katie
It's said that 95 percent of the ocean hasn't been explored. What if at the very bottom is a rational and sentient being, but just like we aren't able to observe deep enough to find it, it isn't able to observe high enough to find us
Reddit is like fallout 4 you wander in a vast wasteland and occasionally find useful junk.
Oh look jolly ranchers!
If Santa can say "Ho" 3 times a second, "Ho-ho-ho", and if you consider the blinding rate at which he would need to travel around the earth to deliver all those presents in 24 hours, then all of Santas "Ho"s would be in different area codes. Ludacris would be proud.
Lunchables are like MRE's for children.
Since girls are more turned on by men's forearms, doing manual chores, when their shirts briefly lift revealing a stomach, guys should send those instead of dick pics
at least it wouldnt be as gross
The prehistoric men, the ones who discovered fire, who migrated across Earth, forming the civilizations and technology we have today, are invariably some of the most important historical figures, and we will never know their names.
EDIT: Folks, this wasn't meant to be sexist at all. The word, "Man" can be defined as, "a member of the human race". That's how I meant it.
Also, I was half asleep when I wrote this.
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
/r/reversegif should just be called /r/fig
The story of The Tortoise and The Hare isn't that slow and steady wins the race. It's don't be arrogant and slack off.
If the hare hadn't been cocky he would have just run the race start to finish and won. He just thought that he was so good he can slack off.
If my parents had named me "Pepper", I'd have been much more enthusiastic about pursuing a PhD.
"Dr. Pepper" just has a nice ring to it...
In Stuart Little, the Little family walked into an orphanage, looked at ever child there, and decided on a rodent.
Same diet for all of them: Crumbs
Finals week for Red Bull must be like 4/20 for Taco Bell...
Whenever I hear somebody say "Egyptians" I never think that they're talking about people who currently live in Egypt
Same thing with Greeks and Romans.
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
Male and female reindeer have antlers, but the males shed theirs in winter. So... that means Santa's reindeer are all women.
My wife realized this just now.
Walking into a glass door is the best complement a window washer can get.
Edit: I can't spell
zombies who can escape from their grave should be able to tear a door off its hinges, and I don't think I've ever seen this addressed.
sees zombie who clawed its way out of a coffin nailed and pinned down by 6 feet of packed earth
"QUICK! lock the DOOR!!"
The greatest impact of self driving cars will be on pranks. Your mate passes out in London after drinks, stick them in the car, shout "Aberdeen" at the computer and send them on their way.
Other options include stag do pranks: gaffa taping them up naked in their car and telling it to park at the nearest police station.
What a time to be alive
People talk about China's pollution, but isn't that just our pollution in China? 'We' moved the factories over specifically for lax environmental laws and cheap labor. China's pollution is our pollution.
Edit: As has been correctly pointed out my op is inaccurate and a gross generalization. True. I'm leaving it, because I think the slight shift in perspective, and an acknowledgement of our (the Wests) role is important.
Hope y'all have a good, clean day!
I always find it substantially harder to get to sleep at night when I know there's an alarm set to wake me early in the morning
There's generally never any problems with getting to sleep, but once that alarm is set for the morning I'm just restless and energised. It's like my brain is trying to mess with me to make my next day as hard as possible
There are no rhymes in sign language.
I wish Spotify had a 'never play this song again' option.
I'm really glad my dog can't talk, he knows too much.
Monday, December 7, 2015
Is calling a watch design 'Timeless' an insult or compliment?
If batman's parents were still alive he would probably still be raised by Alfred.
And probably a foreign nanny.
You kill time until time kills you
Sunday, December 6, 2015
Shark Tank is one long commercial with commercials inbetween
I don't believe in Mrs. Claus. I think she was invented because people couldn't handle the idea of an unmarried elderly man watching children all year long then giving them presents based on his own deluded judgement of naughty and nice.
If the 3 search engines were a family; Yahoo would be the dead beat dad who's never there, Google would be the stressed out single mom trying to solve all the problems, and Bing would be the rebellious teenage son trying to do everything on his own.
Saturday, December 5, 2015
They should make digital speed limit signs and change them regularly based on the weather, condition of the road, and amount of traffic
TIL they do and I'm an uncultured swine
When I invent something new, I will name it in such a way that it would rhyme with "orange", so that poets and song writers can finally rhyme and end their lines with "orange". It would subsequently make the invention well-known.
Imagine being deaf and finding out that farts make noise
Holding down the power button until my device turns off is like strangling somebody until they stop breathing.
Or waiting for a call to go to voicemail without declining it
Its odd that PornHub's comment section is less dumb and more friendly than YouTube's
Not that I read PornHub comments. I'm not a weirdo, I swear!
As a barista, I wonder how many of my Lattes are on Instagram
The more I use other substances the more I realize alcohol is a horrible horrible drug.
The hangovers, the negative health effects, the widespread drinking and driving. The only positive to alcohol is that its socially acceptable. There are other substances (no, not just weed you damn pot-heads) that give similar effects with none of those negative side effects. But of course our paternalistic nancy-ass government will put you in jail for using them, even though our ancestors first started using them thousands of years ago. Whatever, man.
/soapbox off.
When Email was first starting to become available, everyone warned against how dangerous it was to use your real name as your email address. Now, if your email address is not your real name, I automatically assume you're a weirdo or someone who doesn't know how to use Email.
Casinos should play monopoly with actual money
The word ''swims'' is the same upside down
Edit: With capital letters