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Thursday, December 31, 2015
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Movie theaters should provide an audio jack in each seat, so patrons can use noise cancelling headphones, and they can also be used for dubbed audio for other languages.
No more complaints of other people talking. Also, they can show the English and Spanish version at the same time.
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
The bathrooms in Star Wars must have to be pretty versatile to suit all the different species.
Just think of the height range need for urinals alone.
Saturday, December 26, 2015
Friday, December 25, 2015
Thursday, December 24, 2015
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
FedEx and UPS drivers are the closest things we have to an actual Santa Claus, and Amazon is essentially the north pole.
Tracking my package through Amazon like Norad's Santa Tracker.
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
We should thank Spacex for replacing Miss Universe with something that matters on all our feeds.
Was getting a bit sick of the cringey f*** up vid and Steve Harvey memes
Monday, December 21, 2015
Shouldn't Neil Degrasse Tyson be the host of Miss Universe? He knows more about universes ....and can read.
Shouldn't Neil Degrasse Tyson be the host of Miss Universe? He is qualified by knowing more about universes ....and can read.
When a microwave beeps, it should start counting up. That way when the directions say "let sit for 4 minutes" you actually know how long it's been.
Also if you see the timer at 99:99 you know you left something in there all day.
Do you think Santa regrets giving all those naughty kids coal now that global warming is threatening his home?
tbh I got this from someone's Twitter
'Gluten Tag' would be a really great name for a German Bakery.
Or maybe even a stupid gluten-free German bakery.
Sunday, December 20, 2015
If I had never seen a bike in action I would never believe they work
"you need three wheels, at minimum" - potential me
100 years ago, most people were skinny and the rich were fat. Now the poor are fat and the rich are skinny.
Ninja Edit: Hey look at all those up votes! Might as well take full advantage of them.
Eat healthy people! Its one of the best things you can do for yourself.
Humans can literally look at invented squiggles on a screen, hear the sound each squiggle represents, combine those sounds in their heads to form a story, analyse the stories to understand their meanings, and then feel some form of emotional response all so we could shitpost on Reddit.
Human languages are just a bunch of made up sounds, represented by squiggly lines. They grew in time to be the universal way in which our species communicate, to the point where we can send those squiggles throughout the world to communicate globally. Different Languages represent different squiggles and sounds that we haven't learnt about.
Saturday, December 19, 2015
The Force Awakens is the first Star Wars movie to ever be the same number as its episode number.
A New Hope: 1st movie, 4th episode Empire: 2nd movie, 5th episode Jedi: 3rd movie, 6th episode Phantom Menace: 4th movie, 1st episode Clones: 5th movie, 2nd episode Sith: 6th movie, 3rd episode Force Awakens: 7th movie, 7th episode
Google maps should deploy a feature that would ring an alarm based your approach towards a location. That way you could catch a quick nap on a bus or a train without worrying about missing your stop.
Edit: Okay, I get it, it exists! Leave my Neanderthal-ness and go away!
I have never seen such group-wide restraint and cooperation than in Reddit's collective avoidance of Star Wars spoilers.
Even for the worlds biggest collection of snarky internet jerks, there are some things you just don't mess with. Well done, so far...
Friday, December 18, 2015
I should have grown my hair really long in my 20's, then cut it off and saved it for use in a custom toupee now that I'm older and bald.
I knew in my 20's that I'd lose my hair in my 40's; it runs in my family. I should have grown my hair really long, cut it off, and saved it - then I could have had a custom toupee made from my own hair so it'd look totally natural.
How neat would that have been?
As a programmer, my job is to explain to machines what humans want them to do.
I'm like a man machine translator.
There should be a place that guarantees not to talk to you while giving you a haircut.
This amazing business plan will cater to those introverts, and also the users of reddit.
Thursday, December 17, 2015
Instead of music during the credits for the Deadpool movie, they should have audio clips of Deadpool prank calling other superheros.
Would be cheap way to tie it to marvel universe and cheaply. Plus a crankyankers/jersey boy -Deadpool edition would be funny.
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
It always seems as if the designers of dishwasher racks have never loaded a dishwasher themselves
Those things are always so unnecessarily complex and try to accommodate for too many conveniences
100 years from now, people who watch Back to the Future will have a hard time seeing the differences between 1955 and 1985.
Like, if Back to the Future came out in 1885 and was about someone traveling back to 1855, aside from slavery existing, I think I would have a hard time picking up on the subtle differences.
There's nothing you can say to a guy who's been struck by lightning multiple times to convince him that his chances of getting hit again are the same as anyone else.
Roy Sullivan was hit seven times during his life. By the fourth time, he was convinced that a force was trying to destroy him.
Every song in the Grand Theft Auto universe takes hours to complete because of the timescale.
For those who don't play GTA, the time is sped up so that 2 seconds = 1 in-game minute. Every song plays for its real world length. So every time you listen to a song in game, the people in the game are listening to it for the next 2 hours.
The moon is a progress bar loading Christmas this year.
It will be a full moon on Christmas (100%), so from December 11 (the new moon) it is now "loading" December 25
I dated a trans person before they realized they were trans. I'm a straight guy with an ex-boyfriend.
A friend once made a comment about me accidentally "misgendering" this person while talking about him, and I said, look, it's one thing to respect a stranger's pronouns, but I had sex with this individual many, many times...
I have been attempting to use The Force on everyday tasks for over 20 years yet sometimes I'm still genuinely disappointed when it doesn't work.
I had to peel my own banana this morning :/
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
The four most reassuring words any university student can hear are "I haven't started either"
The four most reassuring words any university student can hear are "I haven't started either"
The poor poor mods of almost every sub are going to have Star Wars spoiled for them
Was just thinking about how I hope I don't log onto Reddit Saturday morning and read a bunch of Star Wars spoilers, then realized someone will have to be taking those down. Poor souls.
Monday, December 14, 2015
When games say "GAME OVER" it's usually in the middle when you need to try again, they never say "GAME OVER" at the end of the game - when it ACTUALLY ends.
although most games dont even say game over anymore, just roll credits.
Always bring the banana to your mouth, never bring your mouth to the banana.
Unless you want to be the banana's bitch.
The "TIL" subreddit should really be called, "today I got stuck in a wiki loop and this is what i found
The "TIL" subreddit should really be called, "today I got stuck in a wiki loop and this is what i found
Sunday, December 13, 2015
My mom always told me, "Don't talk to strangers online." But that's all I do.
Edit: This is very irrelevant but,
,':)
Eyebrows
Children could be taught to love and excel at mathematics if the media would stop perpetrating this idea of a "math person".
media and adults in general.
edit: perpetrating perpetuating .
Saturday, December 12, 2015
The smarter you are, the more aware of how little you know.
The smarter you are, the more aware you are of how little you know. Edit: words I must be a genius!
Burger King should make a mexican flavored whopper with nacho cheese and jalapeños and call it the EL-Whopo.
In reference to el-chapo of course. It could have nacho cheese, jalapeños, pepper jack etc..... I'd definitely order one!
So much Metal dedicated to Satan, and maybe he's more of a K-Pop kinda guy
One day he could actually come to the surface and be like "Y'know, Metalheads, I appreciate it and everything, but where's Park Jeong-Su btw?, I'd like him to sign my tit".
Friday, December 11, 2015
I bet Dog Heaven is located directly underneath Toddlers Eating Messily At A Table Heaven.
EDIT: While this thought was supposed to be a cute thought about how dogs love eating food dropped from the table, I realize now that I neglected to think about how Toddlers Eating Messily At A Kitchen Table Heaven would get all its inhabitants!
Landfills are going to intrigue the hell out of archeologists in a couple million years.
All of that twisted metal and non biodegradable synthetics. Not to mention with all the food we waste every year, there's got to be a decent amount of chicken bones to leave them scratching their heads for a few days.
Thursday, December 10, 2015
PornHub should create an ad campaign spinoff similar to Snickers. "You're not you when you're horny"
Show the dad being a dick, making snide remarks to his wife, destroying his kid's Lego castle, etc. Skip the masturbation but then show him being a good husband and father.
Pm me Katie
The prehistoric men, the ones who discovered fire, who migrated across Earth, forming the civilizations and technology we have today, are invariably some of the most important historical figures, and we will never know their names.
EDIT: Folks, this wasn't meant to be sexist at all. The word, "Man" can be defined as, "a member of the human race". That's how I meant it.
Also, I was half asleep when I wrote this.
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
The story of The Tortoise and The Hare isn't that slow and steady wins the race. It's don't be arrogant and slack off.
If the hare hadn't been cocky he would have just run the race start to finish and won. He just thought that he was so good he can slack off.
If my parents had named me "Pepper", I'd have been much more enthusiastic about pursuing a PhD.
"Dr. Pepper" just has a nice ring to it...
In Stuart Little, the Little family walked into an orphanage, looked at ever child there, and decided on a rodent.
Same diet for all of them: Crumbs
Whenever I hear somebody say "Egyptians" I never think that they're talking about people who currently live in Egypt
Same thing with Greeks and Romans.
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
zombies who can escape from their grave should be able to tear a door off its hinges, and I don't think I've ever seen this addressed.
sees zombie who clawed its way out of a coffin nailed and pinned down by 6 feet of packed earth
"QUICK! lock the DOOR!!"
The greatest impact of self driving cars will be on pranks. Your mate passes out in London after drinks, stick them in the car, shout "Aberdeen" at the computer and send them on their way.
Other options include stag do pranks: gaffa taping them up naked in their car and telling it to park at the nearest police station.
What a time to be alive
People talk about China's pollution, but isn't that just our pollution in China? 'We' moved the factories over specifically for lax environmental laws and cheap labor. China's pollution is our pollution.
Edit: As has been correctly pointed out my op is inaccurate and a gross generalization. True. I'm leaving it, because I think the slight shift in perspective, and an acknowledgement of our (the Wests) role is important.
Hope y'all have a good, clean day!
I always find it substantially harder to get to sleep at night when I know there's an alarm set to wake me early in the morning
There's generally never any problems with getting to sleep, but once that alarm is set for the morning I'm just restless and energised. It's like my brain is trying to mess with me to make my next day as hard as possible
Monday, December 7, 2015
If batman's parents were still alive he would probably still be raised by Alfred.
And probably a foreign nanny.
Sunday, December 6, 2015
Saturday, December 5, 2015
They should make digital speed limit signs and change them regularly based on the weather, condition of the road, and amount of traffic
TIL they do and I'm an uncultured swine
Holding down the power button until my device turns off is like strangling somebody until they stop breathing.
Or waiting for a call to go to voicemail without declining it
Its odd that PornHub's comment section is less dumb and more friendly than YouTube's
Not that I read PornHub comments. I'm not a weirdo, I swear!
The more I use other substances the more I realize alcohol is a horrible horrible drug.
The hangovers, the negative health effects, the widespread drinking and driving. The only positive to alcohol is that its socially acceptable. There are other substances (no, not just weed you damn pot-heads) that give similar effects with none of those negative side effects. But of course our paternalistic nancy-ass government will put you in jail for using them, even though our ancestors first started using them thousands of years ago. Whatever, man.
/soapbox off.
Friday, December 4, 2015
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