I don't really watch either of these shows, but I would for sure watch that episode
Monday, February 29, 2016
People judge me more when I drink 6 cans of sprite than when I drink 6 cans of beer
EDIT would judge me more - I've never had 6 cans of sprite in a sitting. Beer on the other hand...
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Saturday, February 27, 2016
Without the kinds of people who take the time to review products, I would have no idea what to buy when online shopping
You are the real heroes, I salute you!
I can make up any TIL I want and then link a really long Wikipedia page and 99% of Redditors will never actually read the wiki but will assume the fact is true.
I know, because I never actually read the source. I just go the rest of my life telling people "yeah, Michael J. Fox is the inventor of Pogs. I saw it on Reddit."
People who say "sorry I look like shit, I'm not wearing any make-up" are literally apologizing for looking like a normal human being.
This thought popped into my head and has made me feel uneasy lately.
"Sorry I look like shit, I'm not wearing any make-up!" "Sorry, I'm not wearing any make-up" "I'm not wearing any make-up, I look shit, I know."
I hear it all the time. In person, in YouTube videos, on TV, everywhere. People are basically feeling the need to say sorry for nothing - as if they are expected to continuously look like something other than their natural selves and not doing so somehow warrants an apology to another person. Or as if stating that you "know" you look "shit" without make-up is some kind of tactic to make the other person feel better that you've acknowledged something you THINK they are thinking about you. What the?!
If you're guilty of this - stop that absurdity right now! No more! Whether another person is into how you look or not - showing your natural self is something you never have to be sorry for.
Friday, February 26, 2016
What if all Mario lives are clones, and the bottom of every level is filled with thousands of overalled corpses?
I'm mostly just hoping someone will draw this now.
I don't think I've ever intentionally texted the word "duck".
And yet my phone seems to think I'm often sending messages about waterfowl.
Every time I hear the word "dictator", I think "penis potato"
Every time I hear the word "dictator", I think "penis potato"
If we have only discovered 2085 planets and we have very roughly estimated their are 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 exoplanets in the observable universe. Then disregarding any extraterrestrial life now would be like taking a tiny step in gigantic forest and saying "well there's nothing in here"
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Usually while watching How Its Made I wonder how the machines are made that make the product.
Especially industrial manufacturing machines.
In Orwell's 1984, they had a nationally enforced daily exercise plan, and guaranteed employment. We don't even have that.
Just all the continuous surveillance.
Thursday, February 25, 2016
Growing up is realizing that the bottom bunk is probably more convenient.
Easier to make the bed, easier to get in and out of... Damn I'm old now.
A ton of people is only around 10-15 individuals.
"Dude, there was a TON of people at the party!"
"So a dozen dudes?"
Most of us live in a generation where we will be the old people whose hobby is video games
Most stereotypical old couples stick with hobbies developed in their younger years. When we get older, whether we're millenials, gen y, or even gen x, it's likely we'll end up being the old couple who plays some video game together, instead of an activity like watching an old TV show, knitting or the like.
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Seeing a YouTuber in the comments of another's video is like seeing a teacher in public.
Hardly ever happens, or rare.
My Mom says that I'm growing up to be just like my Dad, but they've been divorced for over 25 years... Is she secretly telling me that she hates me?
EDIT: Wow, I've never had this many replies to a post. Thanks guys! I'll clarify the context for everyone now that some time time has passed.
My parents had a very very smooth divorce from my perspective, and it continues to this day. I don't remember much of it because I was so young, but I have no memories of fighting, and there is no doubt that violence was not involved. They just weren't right for each other and they wanted what was best for their two kids. My sister and I switched houses every two weeks and everyone got along very well.
I know that when she says she sees my dad in me, it's supposed to be a compliment. She is a wonderful lady and I couldn't imagine her doing something like secretly insulting her own child. I just like looking at the darker side of a seemingly nice comment.
Thanks again guys/gals!
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
If an alien came up to me one day and said "take me to your leader", I would have no idea how to accomplish that.
What would you do? Call the police and tell them you have an alien? The news would just assume you were crazy. Walking it through town until people notice seems like a pretty good way to get shot in the south.
There should be public auto repair shops, like a library, where you can check out tools for free and old timers hang around and give advice.
People could donate their tools and it would have more rare stuff you typically wouldn't have at home like engine cranes, sandblasting boxes and paint tents.
It took me way too long to realize that Liam is short for William
I even had a friend named Christopher who told me when he was in Denmark people called him Stopher, so I had an example of this form of abbreviation already.
Monday, February 22, 2016
To finish on the Reddit front page, you don't only have to say/ask the right thing, you also have to do it in the exactly right moment.
Or people that would upvote the post will not be reading.
Edit:Is this the right moment?
If sperm weren't microscopic I would never masturbate
Imagine shooting sperm out one at a time like big whitish tadpoles
As someone who witnessed the birth of the CD, it's very likely I'll witness its death too.
/shakes fist at twits facebooking their hashtags all over itunes
I think that really the most unbelievable aspect of the Harry Potter universe is that almost every wizard and witch is able to keep a fragile, expensive piece of wood intact for their whole life
Seriously, 11 year olds would be breaking wands all of the time!
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Those custom child bedrooms made in Extreme Makeover Home Edition must suck for the teenagers that live in them now
This one kid had just a frog themed room
If I can't find your hours of operation within 30 seconds on your website, you need to change your website.
Almost all businesses have a website nowadays. It really irks me when I know a business has a store front but doesn't display their hours prominently and I have to search through their website to find a blogpost stating their hours!
Saturday, February 20, 2016
If your pet rat gets sick, giving it human medicine will probably heal it
or, at least it won't kill it
Instead of Sesame Street or Disney characters, newborn diapers should be printed with helpful quotes for new parents
My newborn daughter can't resolve a picture of Big Bird, and doesn't have a clue who Pooh Bear is. After a rough stretch in the hospital and some tough nights (with many more tough ones to come), it would be pretty rad to be changing that diaper and see "You got this, pal" or "In a few weeks you'll get more sleep during the night". Or even "Even though it seems tough now, it won't take long, time will fly and you'll get through this".
Instead of r/RoastMe we should have r/ToastMe, where we say super positive things about people.
Some girls say "you'll never find another one like me" after a breakup, isn't that the point?
Title
EDIT: I was not broken up with I was just thinking about it from the past, that is all
Friday, February 19, 2016
Ya know all of those bad guys who went to jail at the end of all of those 80's and 90's action-comedy movies? Most of them would be out of jail by now.
Ya know the Fratelli's from the Goonies? Marv and Harry from Home Alone? Eric from Billy Madison? All of them, out in the general population for years by now. I was seriously contemplating posting this is /r/LegalAdvice just to see what kind of time some of the most infamous movie offenders would have got. It would be interesting to have some people in the field make some estimates.
Kanye's lyrics in Gold Digger ("But she ain't messin' with no broke n****s") are much more hilarious now.
Not one to revel in others misfortune but ahhhhhh karma.
Thursday, February 18, 2016
If Kanye Really Needs The Money He Should Just Make A Sex Tape With Ray J
Kim put in the work and is pulling her weight, time for Yeez to step the fuck up
How many Cell Phone Suicide Bombers have been killed by Telemarketers?
Seems like something that would go unnoticed/unrecorded
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
If Reddit was spelled Readit the argument of how to pronounce it would never end.
(red-it) vs. (reed-it)
Your bed is a shelf you put your body on when you're not using it
More original title: don't need one fgts
If I die in the same hospital as I was born in the average velocity of my life would be 0
That's a pretty depressing vector
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
It occurred to me as I watched Deadpool last night, that Deadpool should teach a brief sex education lesson in the beginning of Deadpool 2 to punish crappy parents who bring their kids to rated R movies.
Basically, I saw Deadpool yesterday, it was awesome. But after seeing the how many shitty parents brought their super young children to it, I had an idea.
First, given how Deadpool loves to break the 4th wall, I thought it would be great for the movie to start with Deadpool looking around the theater and saying something along the lines of "Wow, children at my movie! Damn, your shitty parents really fucked up tonight, didn't they!" And then continue to insult the parents or give "bad" advice for children, such as telling them to steal from their crappy parents. BUT, then I thought it could be a perfect opportunity for Deadpool to teach some sexual education! Something like, "So, children, your parents thought it would be a good idea to bring you here tonight! Well, time to correct their fuck-up. Boys and girls, listen up! Sex is fun and feels great, but should be done safely, because if you don't you can get some fucking nasty diseases... Condoms are like rubber bulletproof shields for your penis..." etc.
When I read posts on reddit about crazy Americans, since I live in the U.S they don't shape my perception of the country (rightfully so). When I read a post about something crazy a guy in China did, I make inferences about the country and culture as a whole - and so does most of Reddit. I'm a bigot.
Think about it. Two different posts:
"Chinese man leaves baby for dead on street of Beijing"
Top Comments - China is fucked up, their culture is about self preservation, it's the result of China's corrupted insurance system,
"Florida man leaves baby for dead in Orlando"
Top Comments - What a terrible person, he deserves to burn in hell, the world is fucked up, how can such people exist, lol florida man! at it again
"One man's junk is another man's treasure" needs to be put on a nice big sign at a pride parade.
I would think that it's been done already, but if not, get on it!
Reddit is now the main social media network I use but I don't know anyone who uses it.
(unless you count YouTube)
Monday, February 15, 2016
The Reddit hive-mind went from "college isn't for everyone" to "free college for everyone" rather instantaneously.
This isn't a statement on whether or not I agree with either position. (I personally think the money would be more wisely spent improving Primary education)
It's just interesting to see how a political bandwagon can so quickly cause an instant shift in the ideas of such a large number of people.
Science is just Nature thinking about herself.
We are a part of Nature. So when humans do science it is just Nature trying to figure herself out.
Keeping a flower in a vase is a bit like trying to keep a severed head alive for as long as possible.
Or so I'd imagine.
Happy Valentine's Day! Enjoy your dozen roses :)
Sunday, February 14, 2016
The time between being potty trained and getting our period is the only break women get in their lives from wearing some form of diapers...
(diapers/pads for our period)
...perhaps also that short time between menopause and needing diapers because we can't hold our pee.
If Satan is so terrible, why would he torture bad people in Hell? Shouldn't he welcome them with a tickertape parade and high-fives all around?
- Job well done!
- Good on you, kicking that dog off that cliff!
- Masterful murder, Manson!
- A ravishing rape! Stuck, that landing--if you know what I mean!
- Killed that bombing, Mo!
- And the award for best baby molestation goes to...!
They should make a Batman movie where no info is given on the actor and he's always in costume so you have to guess/figure out who it is
Bruce Wayne is a massive celebrity in Gotham City, I'm surprised everyone there hasn't figured out he's Batman
PornHub should have an educational category that shows you how to have safe sex, open and put on a condom, etc..
Would be like Sex Ed with real dicks instead of bananas
Saturday, February 13, 2016
An Egg McMuffin is a younger version of the McChicken.
For all I know my McChicken laid the egg of my McMuffin.
Sleeping in is considered lazy, but going to bed early is not.
The person who sleeps from 2am-11am is seen as more lazy than the person who sleeps from 10pm-7am even though they've both been sleeping for 9 hours.
Friday, February 12, 2016
When hiding a dead body, put it 8 feet under the ground with enough dirt over it to put a dead dog 6 feet under. When a search dog finds the area they will dig down far enough to find the dead dog.
If you are searching for a dead body and a search dog finds a animal corpse 6 feet under, dig 2 more feet.
If Aladdin released for the first time today, it would be considered controversial to have an Arab Disney princess
Trump supporters would boycott Disney.
What if Deadpool takes over the cameo role for Stan Lee after he passes?
Stan Lee is getting pretty up there in age, (and with all the big names that are passing already this year, I'm not counting anything out) so honestly there couldn't have been a better time to introduce Deadpool onto the silver screen....assuming in the future 20th Century Fox decides to play nice with Disney and share their toys.
Commenting on a thread over an hour old on the front page feels like pissing into the ocean.
Sometimes I wonder why I bother.
Thursday, February 11, 2016
If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not
Unless the bank sux and has no cash.
If I drank enough water, my piss would be cleaner than the tap water in Flint, MI
In theory, by watering down my urine enough it would be safer to drink than the lead infested water in Flint
Google should produce and maintain an online jokes database and call it "Giggle".
At least, I think it'd be cool.
Google should really have a "limit search to sites I've already visited" option
Chrome and my Google Account already store my complete search and browsing history. So many of my searches are "attempting to find something I found previously", it would just make sense.
bonus points: "limit search to sites I visited between 3 and 6 months ago"
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
Microwave popcorn should come in see through bags so that you can see how many kernels still need to pop or if it's burning.
Probably not plastic, but something see through and durable enough.
A gallon of gas is now cheaper then a small drink at Taco Bell
Edit: I used the wrong "than vs then" i'm dumb
1 Gallon of gas in Pensacola, Florida = $1.70
Small drink at Taco Bell = $1.79
Try telling me that back in 2011 and I would've never believed it
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Muffins were created for people who don't want to be judged for eating cake in the morning.
Muffins are simply cupcakes under the guise of breakfast food.
Monday, February 8, 2016
The older I get, the lamer the superpowers I want.
While flying or super strength would be pretty sweet, all I want is the ability to fall into a restful sleep whenever I feel like. Or the ability to snap my fingers and make messes clean themselves. If I had a cool power like teleportation I'd probably only use it to get to work or the grocery store. Save gas, ya know?
I'd be the worst superhero. :P
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