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Tuesday, June 30, 2015
If you think about it, your family tree is an upside down tournament bracket of surnames competing for your last name
Idk if this makes sense but basically someone with the last name cooper married someone and passed down the name cooper for generations and has won the tournament
Tl;dr im so high
If the September 11th attacks were to have happened in July, 7-Eleven possibly would have gone out of business
Or maybe just, changed names?
Edit: Thanks for the gold!
Thursday, June 25, 2015
Schrödinger's Redditor: A Redditor who is both a male and a female, until the moment they reveal their gender to you.
Unless, of course, their gender is made clear in their username.
If Penis Enlargement pills claiming to double your size actually worked, you could have a penis as long as the galaxy is wide with only 73 pills
Assuming an average penis length of 5 inches.
EDIT: Assuming the pills take a month to finish their work, after 54 pills penis enhancement would exceed the speed of light (in km/s)
EDIT 2: Obligatory thanks for the gold, stranger!
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Looking up at stars that may no longer exist, whose light is just reaching us, is like getting a letter in the mail from a friend about how great he's doing, when really at the time you read it your friend is dead. He's fucking dead. He exploded in a spectacular supernova like millions of years ago.
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Bullshit, Horseshit, Batshit & Apeshit. All animal excrement. All different meanings.
Bullshit = A blatant Lie. Horseshit = An expression of disbelief. Batshit = Completely mad or crazy. Apeshit = A state of anger and rage.
I wonder how delicious some extinct animals would have been.
I'm looking at you, wings of extinct birds and or dinosaurs.
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
since your internal voice doesn't have to breathe, you can scream internally forever
also with yakety sax in the background
edit: holy shit this is the most popular post I've ever made
Schrödinger's Text Msg
When I text a girl that I just met I also text a friend. This way when I hear my phone notify me of a text there's a 50/50 chance it's from the girl, as long as I don't look I assume it is. I call this Schrödinger's Text Msg
We have Double Stuf Oreos. Where are the Double Stuff Ritz Bits Sandwiches?
Both are Nabisco products. Are you telling me the Nabisco scientists haven't been sitting there eating a delicious Ritz Bits Cheese Sandwich and thought, "damn, this thing would be terrific with double the cheese!"
I need this.
The question "Am I as bored as you are?" can be read backwards and still make sense.
The question "Am I as bored as you are?" can be read backwards and still make sense.
Monday, June 22, 2015
Waldo's mom must be worried sick.
Or some crank head, that keeps losing her mentally unstable son in the midst of a crowd.
Netflix really only needs a sports-streaming service and it'll render cable completely useless.
Netflix presents: Athletix (or athLetflix)
Sunday, June 21, 2015
When you hit the back button on your browser and then click on a different link, it's like you just created a branching timeline.
Basically, the back button is time travel? I dunno.
Every Jurassic Park film I am disappointed the Universal Logo isn't an ancient version of the earth's continents.
I'm not saying it's gotta be like Laurasia and Gondwana, but Pangea at the least would be nice
Saturday, June 20, 2015
Women live longer than men. Gay men live longer than straight men. Therefore sucking dick is the fountain of youth.
Women live longer than men. Gay men live longer than straight men. Therefore sucking dick is the fountain of youth.
Friday, June 19, 2015
Cars should have a light on either side to indicate to other drivers which way you plan to turn.
I'm sure it would get used a lot.
People in the year 9999 might claim that the Gregorian Calendar ends there and that Italians predicted that the universe would then end.
And those people would be just as dumb as the 2012ers.
AMC should make a sequel to Breaking Bad where Holly grows up to become the most feared cocaine dealer in America. Title? Snow White.
Or not. Who even does cocaine anymore?
Thursday, June 18, 2015
I wonder how terrifying it must be for trees to experience fall for the first time
Like, if all your hair fell out and you had no idea why or if it was even coming back
Spongebob's age is irrelevant. He is a projection of how a child imagines the adult life to be.
I know it has been calculated that spongebob is technically 52 years old, but he is meant to represent all adult ages from a child's perspective.
"Half a dozen" is a very inefficient way of saying "Six"
...We don't use that in Europe much, maybe that's why it has always sounded weird to me
I wonder how many strangers have stories about me.
I certainly have stories that are about people I don't know.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
If we could donate fat like blood or sperm then it would be a win-win situation for both the obese and the malnutritioned.
Then people would finally overeat for "a cause"
For all we know, Jesus did come back, but he's just sitting in a mental institution and nobody believes him.
Seriously, grandiose delusions are so common that no one would ever believe him.
Youtube should have a button that prevents the video you're watching from being used to generate your suggested videos.
Yes I watched a giant pimple being popped, I don't need you to give me 10 more similar videos.
Monday, June 15, 2015
When Gen Y retires, nursing homes will be full of people playing video games together.
Well, not just Gen Y, but you get what I mean - plenty of time to get through the lists of shame
Sunday, June 14, 2015
If "getting to first base" and "hitting a home run" are sex euphemisms, then "pitching a perfect game" is keeping everyone at a party from f*&%ing.
Edit: Oh wait. You can swear on the internet? Thanks everyone for telling me that.
Somewhere down the line (far, far down the line) Rockstar should team up with Google Maps to make an open world GTA game that would allow you to go anywhere in the world.
Imagine jumping a motorcycle off the pyramids in Egypt. I don't think I'd ever stop playing.
Saturday, June 13, 2015
Friday, June 12, 2015
Stealing can be more powerful of an action than buying. Buying a gift may say, "I happen to be able to afford this for you." But stealing something of value says, "I'm willing to defy society's rules and expectations and suffer incarceration and punishment because you mean that much to me."
That being said, the most I've ever stolen is a candy bar and a water bottle from a convenience store...for myself...
When I close my eyes while watching an NBA game, it sounds like thousands of people cheering for a bunch of mice.
I just can't ignore the shoe squeaks anymore.
Reading is just staring at a dead piece of wood for hours and hallucinating
Has this been said before?
Bill gates buying a 1 million dollar house is equivalent to someone who makes $70,000 a year buying a 6 dollar item.
He also runs the largest charitable organization in the world and can jump over chairs.
Using data that said he made 11.5 billion in 2013.
Thursday, June 11, 2015
Frying steak in butter is cooking the animal in its mother's milk.
Still love a good steak, though . . .
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
There should be a charity that works with hospitals and Netflix to give patients a temporary Netflix subscription while hospitalized
A loved one recently spent 3 weeks in the hospital after having major surgery. We visited daily, but there were hours upon hours she spent alone with garbage on the TV. Any little bit may help the spirits of recovery.
Major airports should have a small post office near security checkpoints, that way travelers can mail home the small prohibited items they leave in their carry-ons.
Why is this not already a thing? I'd absolutely use it.
Edit: It could also be a way to ship items home that would put you over the 50 lb luggage limit.
Since Chris Pratt is playing the lead in Jurassic World, they should've just named the movie Parks and Rex
...or at least give him a spin-off
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Reddit is a classroom that rewards the class clowns as much as the smart kids
Too bad real class isnt taught this way
I use the self-checkout machine at Safeway not because it's faster, but because the child in me wants to play cashier.
I've always wanted to scan items...
Showing your newborn children to your parents is the ultimate "look what I made Mom!"
and maybe the first time they actually are genuinely impressed.
Dentist offices need where's Waldo pictures on their ceiling
Whenever you are in a dentist office, your eyes are scrambling for something to look at. When your teeth are getting worked I. You can't stare at the person working on you or at the light. I feel like a where's Waldo would fix that problem
Monday, June 8, 2015
People do not hate Mondays, they hate their jobs.
I love my job so far and I was looking forward to today, and thinking about it, I have been looking forward to work since I got here.
I want my kid's middle name to be "Withawhy" just to mess with people's spelling.
Imagine it: "Hi my name is John (with a y) Doe"
Sunday, June 7, 2015
The Milky Way could well be the galaxy with the most milk in it
And there's a chance that it might not be.
If every human began as a single cell, and it's estimated that the adult human body has over 37 trillion cells, you have increased your size by 3,700,000,000,000,000% you fat fuck
Edit: if I didn't already make you feel like shit, some of these cells are probably cancerous
Saturday, June 6, 2015
If attractiveness is a predictor for success in reproduction then the human population is getting better looking, on average, all the time.
Or, put another way, right now is the ugliest, on average, that the population will ever be again. Awesome.
Of course, this relies on a few assumptions: 1. On average people find certain traits more attractive. 2. In general, attractive people have attractive kids.
In Spaceballs Yogurt teaches Lone Starr to use "the Schwartz". Schwartz is a German/Jewish name meaning "dark" or "black". Yogurt is literally telling him to use the dark side. Yogurt is a Sith Lord and Lone Starr his Sith apprentice
It basically comes from words meaning "dark, black, dirty or illegal".
Usually used as a nickname for people with dark skin or dark hair.
I don't think it was Mel Brooks intention for it to be like that, but it is what it is.
Yogurt is Palpatine
Starr is Darth Vader
and Darth helmet is Count Dooku. Yogurts secret apprentice leading the "bad guys" military forces. When the time comes he lets his prospective apprentice destroy Darth Helmet to help turn the stronger apprentice farther towards the Schwartz. The dark side
There should be a website where people can submit tl;dr of legal agreements for the apps we all use
I skim through it from time to time, but I've no legal expertise and can miss key parts. But I'd totally love to collaborate on them so we all know if there's some funny business with an update or not
Friday, June 5, 2015
Kanye West is the person on earth with a personality and lifestyle most similar to Derrick Zoolander
And don't get me wrong, I love Kanye
U/GovSchwarzenegger should do a $5,000/person manly weekend group campout/getaway for charity and call it "Come With Me If You Want To Give..."
I couldn't afford it, but it would be awesome to go to a mountain cabin with Arnold and a bunch of guys for a weekend to blow shit up.
Thursday, June 4, 2015
Cells multiply by dividing.
Edit: sorry if this is a repost, I just thought about it when I was in math class today
Manslaughter sounds way worse than murder.
Edit: Stop arguing with me, I'm right about this.
First-degree murder is any intentional murder that is willful and premeditated with malice aforethought. Felony murder is typically first-degree.
Second-degree murder is an intentional murder with malice aforethought, but is not premeditated or planned in advance. Voluntary manslaughter (also referred to as third-degree murder), sometimes called a crime of passion murder, is any intentional killing that involved no prior intent to kill, and which was committed under such circumstances that would "cause a reasonable person to become emotionally or mentally disturbed". Both this and second-degree murder are committed on the spot, but the two differ in the magnitude of the circumstances surrounding the crime. For example, a bar fight that results in death would ordinarily constitute second-degree murder. If that same bar fight stemmed from a discovery of infidelity, however, it may be mitigated to voluntary manslaughter.
Third-degree murder/ Voluntary manslaughter also occurs either when the defendant kills with malice aforethought (intention to kill or cause serious harm), but there are mitigating circumstances that reduce culpability, or when the defendant kills only with an intent to cause serious bodily harm.
Involuntary manslaughter stems from a lack of intention to cause death but involving an intentional, or negligent, act leading to death. A drunk driving-related death is typically involuntary manslaughter (see also vehicular homicide, causing death by dangerous driving, gross negligence manslaughter and causing death by criminal negligence for international equivalents). Note that the "unintentional" element here refers to the lack of intent to bring about the death. All three crimes above feature an intent to kill, whereas involuntary manslaughter is "unintentional", because the killer did not intend for a death to result from their intentional actions. If there is a presence of intention it relates only to the intent to cause a violent act which brings about the death, but not an intention to bring about the death itself.
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
My wedding night will be the first time I fuck somebody with the same last name.
There won't be a lot of firsts on my wedding night but it will be the first time I fuck somebody with the same last name.
As a married man, I don't randomly honk my wife's boobs nearly as often as 14 year old me thought I would.
So, like, only a few times a week. She always giggles when I do it so I've got that going for me, which is nice.
Edit:Texted my wife. She loves it, as do most of the women who have responded. You heard it hear first : honk dem titties!
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