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Monday, August 31, 2015
Amazed that no science fiction book has been written based on the outcome of somehow finding definitive proof that there are no aliens - it would be just as shattering as the opposite.
Amazed that no science fiction book has been written based on the outcome of somehow finding definitive proof that there are no aliens - it would be just as shattering as the opposite.
R/theonion and r/nottheonion is technically the entire internet
Actual shower thought i had in the shower
Sunday, August 30, 2015
Now that finding food is no longer an issue, humans spend their whole lives doing things to not be bored.
Edit: I appreciate so many people pointing out that there are still many people throughout the world who do not have the luxury of having a reliable source of food every day. This was an oversight and something I did not really think about when I made the original post and I apologize for the moment of ignorance.
That being said, since this post is getting a little bit of attention, I thought it would be nice to find some organizations that perhaps we could donate to so we can help feed just a few more people. I did a little bit of research and found these great organizations that are helping to combat world hunger. You can check them out if you so choose!
Global
US:
I'm sure it's not much, but maybe we as a community could help just a little? I don't know much about this (obviously) so if there is anybody out there who might have more useful information, please let me know!
Every time you've rushed to try and to catch a flight, there's been two strangers sitting in your row hoping you don't make it.
Or at least that you're small.
Edit: dammit typo in title. Hangovers, mobile typing and early flights don't mix.
How the fuck did cake become so fucking special. Birthday cake, Wedding cake, Graduation cake, Retirement cake... I wanted apple pie but Nnnoooo we have to serve cake. Eat a Dick cake.
I had this thought in the shower so I wanted to keep it genuine and posted here knowing it should go in /r/rants
Saturday, August 29, 2015
I should start a magazine called Alzheimer's weekly where the same magazine is published every week.
I can't seem to remember if this has been posted before or not.
I wonder if self serve checkouts are having a positive impact on the rates of teen pregnancy
Kids these days can avoid the awkwardness of buying condoms by simply using self serve checkouts
Edit: I solemnly promise I just thought of this whilst standing in the shower 5 minutes ago
Most men learn to masturbate before they have sex, so most men learn how to pleasure a man before they pleasure a woman.
I'm a straight male by the way.
What if your entire life is just your life flashing before your eyes and you're already dead
You just reach the end and loop around again, the infinity of your life contained in a single moment.
Friday, August 28, 2015
Before we colonize Mars, a desolate wasteland millions of miles away, shouldn't we colonize an earthly desert, like the Sahara or Gobi?
I mean, if we can't terraform here on earth, how could we do it in space?
EDIT: I take back the word colonize, and replace it with terraform.
Rappers only ever talk about being extremely poor or obscenely rich. There are no "middle class" rappers.
Edit: Holy crap people, calm the fuck down. I'm not saying that money is the only thing rappers rap about. I'm very aware that rap lyrics also cover other subject matters.
Edit #2: Looks like I've got some new people to look up on Spotify. Thanks for the recommendations!
Bed Bath and Beyond sounds like a nurse giving an immobile patient a happy ending
It doesn't even have a comma!
I've survived every natural disaster on earth that has occurred in the last 22 years.
Me : 1 Mother Nature : 0
Come at me ma'
Thursday, August 27, 2015
Movies based on books should have two ratings. One for those who have read the book, and one for those who have not.
My most recent example was, Ender's game. This was my favorite book growing up. I thought the movie was ok, but a terrible representation of the book. Some of my friends thought it was awesome but those who did never read the book. Most people I talked to that have read the book were pretty disappointed in it.
In FBI shows, cops are incompetent unskilled simpletons who just get in the way. In Cop shows, the FBI are bureaucratic incompetent simpletons who just get in the way.
Now a cop and FBI show.... that must be like dividing by zero. I can see a numb3rs spin off.
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
I wonder if my face has ever appeared on someone's grilled cheese/potatoe chip/tub of butter/etc. but they just didn't recognize it since I'm not famous
Prompted by the article that hit my front page about the woman seeing the likeness of Donald Trump in her tub of butter spread....and various other popular "Jesus" sightings
When the book for the class is written by the professor it feels like they are trying to give me their mixtape.
Friend said this to me, thought it was hilarious.
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
I wonder how many couples will find out they both have Ashley Madison accounts.
Maybe a silver lining :-)
It's weird how everyone has shortened gasoline to gas, even though it's a liquid.
Edit: ok, forgot the rest of the world makes sense and calls it by a different name.
Damn, I must be the first American to ignore the rest of the world. I'll go hang my head in shame now.
Edit 2: Yes, I'm aware of how gas(oline?) (Petrol) works, but when we put it into our vehicles, as well as when we transport it, it's a liquid. Just thought it was different.
I wonder if my dog understands the concept of doors, or if she is just really confused as to why walls seem to appear and disappear.
I would also like to clarify that my dog isn't exactly what you would call intelligent.
Monday, August 24, 2015
Vampires only suck your blood for Vitamin D because they can't go out in the sun themselves.
This is the best thing I've done with my life.
Kobe Bryant has been in the NBA longer than he hasn't...
He's been in the NBA over half of his life.. And has stayed with the same team, The Los Angeles Lakers.. Man, talk about loyalty..
Sunday, August 23, 2015
Mrs incredible must've had the easiest pregnancy/childbirth.
Think about it she can stretch all about
Saturday, August 22, 2015
If North Korea were human, it would be a teenager. It can't feed itself and makes loud threats that it never delivers on.
"I'm running away and NEVER COMING BACK"
Baby boomers refer to the 50s/60s as a "simpler time" because they were children and couldn't fully understand the world's complexities.
It applies to other generations too.
Friday, August 21, 2015
Maybe centaurs are so warlike and aggressive because they can't masturbate.
At least I don't understand how they would, and as half-people they must want to to some extent...poor fellas.
Technically almost every mirror you buy at a store is in 'used' condition
Since at least one person has looked into it, even before you buy it.
Thursday, August 20, 2015
Relativity: the library is 15 minutes from my house, but closes in 10 minutes. For me then, the library is already closed, even though it is still open. Seems rude.
I wonder if the employees are paid overtime for working there while it is open but closed?
Almost every hand I've ever shaken has had a dick in it.
Actually had that thought in the shower while washing up.
Edit : God damnit it should've been shook.
I wonder if a human raised by monkeys would behave any smarter than the monkeys
I actually though of this while taking a shower
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
After more than 2000 years of technological advances, girls are still wearing the same sandals used in Ancient Rome
After more than 2000 years of technological advances, girls are still wearing the same sandals used in Ancient Rome
Monday, August 17, 2015
It would be cool if Reddit users could choose a charity in the settings, so instead of just giving them gold, I can donate to something they care about as well.
Obviously this would cut into what I imagine is a pretty decent revenue stream for Reddit. Maybe one day a month or year or a separate thing entirely through RES?
I just think when someone does something awesome here, it'd be nice to do more than give Reddit a few dollars. A quick and easy system to donate to a handful of highly rated charities that you pick from in the settings. Pretty simple, and we could make an actual difference.
I need to get out of the shower now. My laptop isn't handling the water sooefwo weolkg44
Being in a wheelchair taught me not to judge on the physical appearance of others... but rather to judge them based on the type of wheelchair they use.
I don't know if it's just me, but shit maybe I need to stop.
Sunday, August 16, 2015
Saturday, August 15, 2015
I thought it was awesome that Lego Darth Vader's hands are in the perfect shape for doing the force choke, but then I realized that Lego people don't really have necks.
Looks like I need to study up on my Lego biology.
Getting drunk and watching Bob Ross is a cheaper version of those wine and painting classes
I could charge people to come watch with me and make a fortune
The middle aged equivalent to the 'walk of shame' is having to leave a public place because your child is throwing a fit.
Just saw a guy have to leave the park because his kid dropped his juice box and the kid threw a fit. The look on the father's face was of pure defeat.
EDIT: a bit more info, I believe this father had just gotten to the park only 5 or 10 minutes before they left. I can only imagine that he had this grand idea in his head that he was going to go spend a few hours at the park with his son and do something really fun. He just looked so defeated when he walked away with that screaming child in the wagon behind him. He was probably in his early 30's and the child around 2. I have since been corrected, this is considered "early adulthood", not "middle aged"
With how much Ive travelled, I wonder how many people Ive walked past that Ive played an online game with and/or against.
I play a lot of multiplayer pvp games. I wonder how many people Ive seen in person, that Ive killed (Possibly repeatedly?) virtually.
People who want kids should have to keep a tamagotchi alive for 3 months before they're allowed to reproduce
Boom, overpopulation solved.
Friday, August 14, 2015
sex and extreme sports are actually quite similar: you come dangerously close to changing the world's population count by 1.
plus one in the case of sex, minus one in the case of extreme sports.
With Sesame Street moving to HBO, I wonder which character will be killed off first?
Maybe they'll have an episode called "Fuzzy Wedding"?
If one of the toys from Toy Story died, Andy wouldn't know, but all the other toys would.
Andy would just be playing with another one of his toys, but all the other toys would be watching their dead friend be played with.
GPS should have an option called "Less Stressful Route"
I often prefer taking the less stressful ways.. I'm not in a hurry, not specially trying to spare gas (not wanting to waist it either), and simply want to drive the "chillest" road ... maybe the one with less red lights, or the windy and scenic road where there is no traffic or no cops, the way that doesn't make me pass by crazy intersections downtown, etc ... I like taking that little detour that makes my life more relaxing .... anyone else?
Some of the cars in hospital parking garages are abandoned - simply left there by people who drive themselves to get treatment and pass away.
And that, Judge, is why this car appears to be owned by Brad Hines of Ypsilanti, MI.
Thursday, August 13, 2015
Plastic bags are the city version of tumbleweed.
I saw 5 plastic bags rolling across the street on my way home from work last night. I know what you're going to say and yes, I was bathing myself in my car. It was a very hot day and I got lots of sun.
If people ever stop using the word 'baby' to refer to sexual/romantic partners, our era if music is going to be weird to listen to.
Yes, there's a typo. I'm sorry I failed you all.
Taking the protective case off your phone is a lot like having sex without a condom - at first it's great to feel the contours and the real deal, but then you start to think about all the things that can have a negative financial impact on your life, so either you risk it or you put it back on.
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Wednesday, August 12, 2015
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
When writing prescriptions, Doctors deliberately make their handwriting terrible to cover up that they don't know how to spell the ridiculous names of drugs
Some of which might be... phenazopyridine
ondansetron
hydrochloroquinone
azathioprine
Monday, August 10, 2015
You are not "raising a child" you are "training a future adult"
People need to understand that the sole job of being a parent isn't just to protect their kid. It's also to train your kid to NOT grow up to be an asshole. If you do everything for them while they're kids, they will never learn to be part of our society. Letting a kid do something like interact with another child and possibly get a little mad at each other, teaches them to work things out themselves, make up, and ultimately just how to deal with life. Our children are too coddled.
EDIT - What I was really getting at is - If you raise a child, people keep the kid [as they are now] as the main focus. Too many parents fail to keep the adult they will become as a high priority. Example - Letting a child play in the backyard with themselves for a little while, encourages a sense of self, imagination, and learning how to figure out whatever it is they're doing on their own. Though if you go out there every single time and play with them and DON'T give them any of that time, they end up NEEDING to have someone next to them. They don't figure things out easily on their own, and they can become co-dependent.
Sunday, August 9, 2015
If Skyrim were released in the 90s, its strategy guide would've be absolutely massive.
The guide would probably have been released in multiple parts in a "collect them all" marketing campaign - e.g. "Main Walkthrough" and "Caves and Dungeons." Thanks internet.
Saturday, August 8, 2015
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