Saturday, October 31, 2015

You could show me a picture of a missing teen this morning and I could see her this afternoon with no idea she's the missing girl.

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Humans love licking each others genitals, but are easily disgusted by a strand of hair in their coffee

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I've never seen a blind person smoke a cigarette.

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Trans women are the only group of people who I feel uncomfortable calling "dude"

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Halloween is the worst day to have an actual, bleeding injury

I mean, no one is going to believe you...



Google should tally all the scores from the offline dinosaur game in an area and bring Google Fiber to whichever area racks up the most points.

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People don't get crankier as they age - they just become less tolerant of other people's shit.

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Debit card is an anagram of bad credit.

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Even though "up" and "down" are opposites, the phrases "I'm up for it" and "I'm down for it" mean the same thing

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As a paramedic, I'll be one of the first to be bitten in a zombie apocalypse

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I can no longer spell beautiful without remembering Bruce Almighty.

B-E-A-utiful



Redditors are a bunch of anti-social people taking part in one of the largest and most diverse social gatherings in human history.

I'm gonna go hide in a corner now.



The KKK ruined being a ghost for holloween.

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If I'm attracted to a narcissistic girl, does that mean we're into the same type of women?

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Every microwave I've seen in recent years has a popcorn button, but every microwaveable bag of popcorn I've seen says "do not use the popcorn button".

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I spent my teenage years telling people I didn't care what they they thought, when really I did. Now I spend my adult life telling people I care what they think, when really I don't.

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If I ever ran into Kanye I'd pretend to be oblivious and ask him to take a picture of me.

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The only major black character in Breaking Bad sells crystal meth and fried chicken

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A tree house is the ultimate insult. I killed your friend, here, hold him.

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If your girlfriend has a friend that annoys you, don't tell your girlfriend to stop being friends with her. Just casually mention how pretty she is.

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Why doesn't anyone ever come back from a near death experience claiming Hell is for real?

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People born in 1980 will for the rest of their lives be able to add the first two numbers to last two numbers of the year and will have their age. e.g 20+15 =35

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In porn video they have shitty music, in music videos they have shitty porn

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Friday, October 30, 2015

If your professor just recites the textbook back at you during class, it's effectively adult story time.

Just a thought I had today about grad school.



C3PO and Luke Skywalker are essentially brothers

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You only have a lap when you're sitting down.

Where does it go when you stand up?



There should be an app called 'Bullshit', where you select a conversation topic you want to bullshit your way through, and the app finds some recent research based opinions.

Does this count as me patenting the idea? If so, sweet.



Logically there has to be a worst person in heaven and a best person in hell. The best person in hell is probably feeling pretty ticked off right now.

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porn is the only place i'd rather see a dudes dick than his face.

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Some day soon in the future when we have free wifi everywhere, there are going to be hipster cafés offering wifi free zones.

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I love it when a game has good gameplay.... similarly I prefer movies that have good moviewatch, and I like foods that have good foodeat.

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“I don’t watch TV” proudly says a person who spends 8 hours a day on the internet

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r/Unexpected should just pop up in front page once in a while even to someone who doesn't follow it

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Henry Ford raised his employees ' salary so they could afford his cars, Wal-Mart keeps their employees ' salary low so they can only afford Wal-Mart.

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All tests should be open book. It's not like your future boss is going to say, "I need those tax returns finished by noon, but don't look at any of the financial statements. Do it all from memory."

Edit: I should clarify by saying this thought is inspired by tests that are just rote emesis of factoids, vs. the use of skills, critical thinking, process knowledge, etc.



Back to the future should be remade every 30 years, with the exact same plot except all the cultural references updated. That way every generating can reflect on what is was like and how we thought the future would be.

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Masturbation must have been awesome for Narcissus.

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Goku and the Z Fighters were really lucky they encountered bad guys in increasing order of fighting ability.

If the show opened with Goku and Krillin fighting Cell or Kid Buu, the series...wouldn't have lasted very long.



You can't burn water, but water can burn you.

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For Halloween, Pornhub should have a jump scare pop-up in the middle of their videos.

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A billionaire could give me 0.01% of his wealth and change my life while he is virtually unaffected

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When I was a kid, I thought the "key to the city" actually opened all the doors in the city.

I never thought about it just being a ceremonial key they give to people in shows and movies.



Thursday, October 29, 2015

If I was a woman, I'd be a seasonal stripper named Pumpkin Spice just to get money for Christmas Shopping.

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Reddit is a lot like scientology. Batshit crazy, hard to leave, and every now and again a celebrity shows up.

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A satanic band should record an album singing the nastiest parts of the bible and release it as a christian album

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You can give sex away for free, but selling it is illegal. Unless someone's filming it. Then you can sell it.

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Amputees of one arm are probably the most comfortable sleepers ever.

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Croutons are the Lucky Charms marshmallows of salad

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If I play the Sonic drowning theme in public loudly I have very large chance of making adults sweat buckets while they try to find the source of the song.

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Your ass is your leg's shoulder

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The stupidest people I've met in my life had no idea they were stupid... so I could be stupid too and not know it.

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If a zombie outbreak happened on Halloween, the resulting post apocalyptic world would be much more visually interesting.

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The reason Call of Duty games never change is because war never changes.

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I've only seen "Babe" once but I've said "That'll do pig" at least 1,000 times

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Onions make you mourn their death as you cut them.

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For Halloween, spotify and other music services should play random noises like doors opening and whispers throughout songs to creep people out

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Being a college student these days means daydreaming through lectures about how you react to a gunman bursting through the door.

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Google should darken its layout for a while after searching anything to do with migraines.

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If ghosts are real, why do people expect to see them in abandoned old places? If I were a ghost I'd hang out at like disneyland or a girl's shower room

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I wonder how many people's pictures I'm in, not just as a subject, but in the background of somebody's vacation pics or something like that.

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I think I would enjoy a professional National Dodgeball League.

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Wednesday, October 28, 2015

I procrastinate to clean until I need to clean to procrastinate

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You've never met the loneliest person.

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Anyone who might've invented time travel is dead & floating out in space because we don't yet have space travel advanced enough to keep up with the movement of Earth over time.

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In just a little over 4 years, "30 years ago" will mean the 90s.

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Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming.

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The ancient Greeks were the first people to have showers as well as philosophers. Coincidence? I don't think so!

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The only thing I like about being cold; is the feeling of getting warm after being cold.

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No where in humpty dumpty does it say hes an egg.

A small realisation that has changed my favourite childhood book



I have learned more, now, as an adult watching Drunk History than I did as a student in history class.

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If all cars start to go electric, then the "car explosion scene" in movies probably won't be as cool.

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Over the years, i have vacuumed up and dumped in the trash literally pounds of my wife.

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We live in a time where cigarettes are becoming outlawed, and marijuana is becoming accepted.

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Saying how big a file is in KB is like saying how old someone is in Months

"This game is 102429kb" "This human is 132 months"



TL;DR is the TL;DR of Too Long Didn't Read

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Mix-tapes made specifically for listening in the car should be called "Traffic Jams"

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Like the proton or neutron, the crouton literally means "small particle of bread crust"

From the French "croûte" = crust (of bread)



Waffles are just pankakes with abs

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If there really are infinite universes, then there is a universe where I died typing this and you died reading it.

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Pornhub should have a memories app like Facebook

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In Taylor Swifts 'Blank Space' she dropped her new found boyfriends Galaxy S5 in a shallow pool because she was jealous, the S5 is waterproof up to a meter.

She galaxy S5 is waterproof up to a meter (3ft 3in) for 30 minutes and she dropped it into a ~1 foot pool in hopes to break it.

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Good job, Taylor.



The first woman to give birth to identical twins must have freaked out

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browsing r/4chan is browsing 4chan while still being able to convince yourself that you don't actually browse 4chan

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I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

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Cops who states 'crime doesn't pay' get paychecks because crime exists.

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The Google Maps car should play ice cream truck music so Street View will be filled with pictures of disappointed children.

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You should be able to FaceTime 911 in a medical emergency so they can properly guide you through helping the injured person

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If people adopted last names like they did in the past, Jim CustomerServicer or Matt TeamLeader are just some examples of what aweful things we'd be called.

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Tuesday, October 27, 2015

"If you resolve to give up bacon, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer."

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100 years from now, 'doing the robot' will have an entirely different meaning.

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Your spouse is technically your ex boyfriend/girlfriend. They just got promoted, not fired.

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We tell kids to not take candy from strangers, but have an entire holiday dedicated to taking candy from strangers.

One of our top few biggest ones, too.



Natasha is "Ah, Satan" backwards.

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Leggings, yoga pants, skinny jeans; it's like this decade was made for the ass man.

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If you lose a leg you will then have twice as many socks as before.

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Over the course of human history, I wonder what alcohol has been more responsible for: births or deaths.

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The term "studying" is a mashup of the words 'student' and 'dying'.

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The nsfw tag is the reddit click bait

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Animal Planet should create a show called "Law & Order: K9U". Viewers follow the everyday lives of NYPD drug dogs voiced by actors. I'd watch.

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The pryamids of Egypt were as old to the Roman Empire as the Roman Empire is to us today.

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"Eh, fuck it" is the grown up version of "Hakuna matata."

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For Halloween, SnapChat should add a person standing in the background only after you take the picture.

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Who the hell figured out how butterflies work? Was there just someone randomly in the right place at the right time, or was someone deliberately following a caterpillar around like "this bug is up to something cool and I know it."

Update: TIL Maria Sibylla Merian literally did exactly that.



If we find aliens I hope that'd be the impetus to clean up the planet...just out of embarrassment.

"Oh god I'm sorry I thought I was alone."



For a cigarette-smoker a "smoke break" is smoking and for a pothead a "smoke break" is NOT smoking

Smoke smoke.



Trees are literally breathtaking.

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If one caveman had died millions of years ago, millions of people wouldn't be alive today.

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If you are addicted to having money in the bank you will suffer from withdrawals.

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When boy bands sing about wanting girls who don't know they're beautiful, it sounds like they're targeting girls with low self-esteem as easy pickings.

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It amazes me that there was a time before sandwiches.

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The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you've been hoarding all weekend down to the kitchen.

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Monday, October 26, 2015

If you count backwards from 10, there is a fair chance that you are counting down somebody's last seconds.

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I've killed as many people as the strongest hurricane ever recorded.

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If I legally changed my name to "They're All a Bunch of Useless Assholes" and then got my name on the ballot, I could win the presidency by a landslide.

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Censoring the Internet is the modern day equivalent of burning books.

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"So who's driving?" is going to be such an overused joke when self-driving cars become more widespread.

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I wonder how many chickens actually die of old age...

I mean we must control a vast percentage of the global chicken population and kill most of them prior to what would be their natural death.



Linux is free if you don't value your time.

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The third hand on a clock is called the second hand.

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We should have an annual holiday where we turn off all the lights and look at the night sky.

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I only know how to spell "amateur" because of porn.

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Buy 1 pizza and feed yourself for a day, but buy two pizzas and feed yourself for a day.

i like pizza



The sheer lack of child zombies in Walking Dead would mean that society was already doomed before the outbreak

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Veggie burgers are an inspirational food. If vegetables can be a burger, I can be whatever I want.

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When the first single celled organism divided, it created life on earth in its own image

The God cell



I've never actually heard the queen speak.

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Getting a blow job is literally having "the life sucked out of you."

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The news starts with someone saying "Good evening", and then giving reasons as to why it's not.

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The fact that we have McDonald's in Wal-Mart and Starbucks in Target says a a lot about the demographics.

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Now that I'm older, I have a hard time answering "what do you want for your birthday?". The things I really want are not capable of being gifted.

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If the goverment is hiding the knowledge of aliens from us, they must be doing a much better job of it than they seem to do at anything else.

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In 35 years nursing homes will have some really awesome LAN parties.

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I wish my car had a second horn that was just a little friendly noise to let the car in front of me know the light is green.

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When a Pop-Up ad appears, not once have I considered using their service before closing the ad.

In fact, I'm now less likely to use it.



The first man to ever get circumcised probably had to do ALOT of explaining to people he had sex with.

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The Leaning Tower of Pisa in ITALY is ITALICISED

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I feel like I'm the charismatic leader of a cult my dogs are in.

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Sunday, October 25, 2015

Cleaning my cats litterbox is like panning for terrible gold.

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If you break a pencil, you now have two pencils. If you break a pen, you have zero pens.

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It's weird to think people who are six foot are only 6 subways tall

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Someone should start a knockoff electric car company called "Edison" where they rebrand and resell Teslas

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If you get your tongue stuck in a mouse trap you will pronounce it mouth trap for a short period of time.

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It took me 16 years to realise Saturday has turd in it

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Why do we even have gender deodorants, if I'm a grown ass man and I want to smell like Cocoa Butter Kisses, fuck it I will.

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When I was a kid I used to watch "Power Rangers" and then use my imagination to pretend I was fighting monsters while playing outside. Now I just watch Porn and use my imagination to pretend I'm having sex with supermodels while I sit in my room and masturbate.

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Intentionally losing at a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win

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To Yoda, everyone must sound pretty fucking weird

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Any of you could be my next door nieghbor.

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Wrestling videogames are actual competitions with no predetermined winner. Does that make them more "real" than the live action they're based on?

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In my imagination, all of history is in colour, except the first half of the 20th C, which is in B&W.

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McDonalds has never gotten my order wrong in my favor.

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Ironically, The One Ring from Lord of The Rings is probably the most replicated ring ever.

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When a watch battery dies, it records the time of its own death.

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People of the near future/next generation can threaten their kids by telling them doing bad things slow the wifi

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Women who marry rich old men in hopes that they don't last very long should be called grave diggers.

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Playing jenga is like unprotected sex; if you can't pull out your whole life will fall apart

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I wear shirts I don't like more often then shirts I do out of fear of ruining the good ones.

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You've never heard a real Beethoven, Mozart, or Bach song. Only covers.

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Buzzfeed employees have the perfect job: they get paid to browse Reddit all day

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Saturday, October 24, 2015

Beef jerky is like a cow raisin

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Comedy Central should have a 2nd channel showing stand-up comedians 24/7.

Comedy Central should have a 2nd channel showing stand-up comedians 24/7.



Asking for a water and some water is almost the same thing. Asking for a coke and some coke is not.

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It's sad that Wile. E. Coyote is remembered for his violence rather than his brilliant paintings of tunnels.

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All pants and jeans should have pockets lined with microfiber material so your phone gets cleaned every time you put it in your pocket.

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If lightsabers ever get mass produced the companies name should be Sith & Wesson.

EDIT: Autocorrect corrected company's to companies. Sorry about that!



The trees planted on city sidewalks should be replaced with fruit trees, so the homeless have something to eat in the summer and fall.

I've always thought it would be a good idea to help the homeless by planting fruit trees on streets. Not to mention if your just walking you can pick something for a snack.



Why doesn't apple create a simple to use laptop, for old people, called the granny smith..

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I wonder if Marty McFly's dad ever questioned why his son looked like his wife's old "boyfriend" from back in high school.

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A blind person with a vacuum cleaner is essentially a Roomba

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POV porn is also a first-person shooter.

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Bath tubs are reverse boats.

Source: currently am taking a bath



I wonder if I've ever been in possession of the same coin more than once

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The Exxon execs who hid their findings about climate change should be charged with 7 billion accounts of reckless endangerment.

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Waking up to "Are You Still Watching?" on Netflix has replaced waking up to the DVD Menu repeating.

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It would be amazingly terrifying if animals waged war against each other like humans do. You'd wake up, get a cup of coffee and look out your window and say things like "Oh shit, looks like the bears and eagles are fightin' again."

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The worst part about parents who don't vaccinate is an underlying prejudice against the autistic; they'd rather risk a dead child instead of an autistic child.

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Hurricanes are becoming so powerful and violent that they should be named after fictitious monsters and villains to encourage evacuation. Hurricane Patricia doesn't sound scary, but Hurricane Sauron does.

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Even if you are not successful in life, you are guaranteed to get two certificates.

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Maybe Yoda is Human and that's just what Humans look like when they turn 900.

Has the secret of his race been under our noses the whole time?



If i travel back in time I would not be able to tell people how future technology works at all.

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There should be a sport where people make their legs fall asleep, and then are forced to run

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They should make a food network reality show where amateurs judge professional chef's meals based on their own subjective criteria.

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Is Bing's top search "Google"?

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Kids raised by gay men have to deal with twice as many dad jokes.

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Friday, October 23, 2015

I bet giraffes don't even know what a fart smells like

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I've used my driver's license more to buy alcohol than to prove I'm a registered driver.

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4chan is the Mos Eisley of the internet

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When a friend is close, you say they are like a sibling. When a sibling is close, you say they are like a friend.

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School doesn't test your intelligence, it tests your memory.

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Cats adopted a language just to yell at us.

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The limbo dance is one of the only times when setting the bar low actually raises people's expectations.

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Preggo my eggo would be the perfect name for a fertility clinic

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I'm not sure if my dog likes belly rubs or just thinks I like giving them and just wants to make me happy.

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Not sure if people stopped saying YOLO or if everyone who said it died.

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"You're not" and "You aren't" are two different ways to contract the same sentence, and the same length.

It's like there being two shortcuts that are both the same length and lead to the same place.



Magic mirrors in fairy tales probably won't seem as magical to kids who grew up with FaceTime and Siri.

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Youtube is introducing Youtube red, Redtube should introduce Redtube you.

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Another word for guns is arms. Another word for arms are guns.

Think about it



If the NSA is recording everything that passes along the internet, couldn't record and film companies use their draconian copyright laws to sue them?

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I bet I can have pretty loud sex without offending the neighbors, as long as I play the Game of Thrones theme song first.

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It's amusing for me to know I won the sperm race when I was born with a disease leaving me wheelchair bound.

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My pot dealer will front me weed but I can't get approved for a credit card. My credit with my drug dealer is better than it is in real life.

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My workplace just literally had me sweep away real cobwebs, and then put up fake cobwebs for Halloween.

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The video game "Red Dead Redemption" takes place 3 years after the Chicago Cubs won their last World Series

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"Elevator music" is such a widely recognized and referenced term, but yet everytime I am on an elevator there is no damn elevator music

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Thursday, October 22, 2015

The "Mario" series is probably the only place outside the world of porn where we'll accept a wealthy, beautiful blonde woman being in a passionate romantic relationship with a plumber.

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The head motion to express "no" might have come from a baby turning his head left and right to refuse food proposed to him.

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Kleenex and other tissue brands profit from sadness, sickness and masturbation

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500 years ago, pirates were a real danger and were not considered cute. I wonder if, in 500 years, kids will be dressing up as Islamic Terrorists for Halloween.

EDIT: RIP my inbox. By the time I finish reading new comments, I have 6 new comments.

EDIT: Please stop trying to push your political agendas here. This is just a joke. Please keep the politics in /r/politics or /r/worldnews.



I am more responsible with the resources I have in video games than I am with the resources I have in real life.

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A saddle is really just a human to horse adapter.

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Free WiFi would probably be more helpful at a sperm bank than a magazine.

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If I ever had the chance to ask Brad Pitt one question, it would be "does it hurt your feelings that you never impressed Shania Twain that much?".



It's weird that Tarzan never had a beard.

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Blankets don't keep us warm, we keep blankets warm.

With the exception of an electric blanket.



If Marty McFly showed up today, he wouldn't need to change clothes. We would just think he was a hipster.

Sorry for another BTTF post.



After everyone transforms back into a human at the end of Beauty and the Beast, it must have cost a fortune to restock the castle with lighting, furniture, and cookware.

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The more a musician says their name at the beginning of their songs, the less I believe in their talent.

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When I make fried chicken, I am rubbing a corpse with the embryos of its own offspring.

Like, coat chicken in chicken eggs, then roll it in crumbs, then fry it. Kinds metal.



All fish tanks are basically soups if you apply heat

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If Anakin was a girl and Padme was a young man, their relationship in star wars episode 1 would have likely caused outrage.

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Do you ever wonder how many people you've already seen for the last time?

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I wish netflix would sort out holiday episodes so I can binge on them during their respective seasons.

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Wednesday, October 21, 2015

If you trust people as far as you can throw them that would make babies very trustworthy.

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I pay for cable and get commercials every 5-10 minutes. I pay less for Netflix and get no commercials at all.

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Imgur should watermark each picture with dickbutts so corporations can't use them without requesting the original from OP.

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I wonder if people on new years day in the year 3000 will be freaking out that it's the year Fry from Futurama comes back

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What if hipsters are all time travelers, and they just use the phrase "You probably haven't heard of it" to cover up slips when they reference something that's not big yet?

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When two people kiss, they create one 60ft-long digestive tract with the anus on both ends.

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Stacy is probably hotter than her mom by now

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If non-intelligent life was found on other planets an unusual issue would eventually arise of whether or they were edible

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It will really freak Marty McFly out when he arrives and everyone is expecting him, dressed up like him, and having parties in his honor.

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If someone stops someone from being raped, they should be put on the Sex Defender list.

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A gym is a room dedicated for fighting gravity

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Yelp is suing South Park for $10M because of their recent episode, meaning they're essentially getting upset at them over a bad review.

Update: Perhaps they're not suing them. Regardless, this is shower thoughts, not naked news (toilet humor! (literally! (I'll stop now)))



Masturbating to pictures in the Harry Potter universe would be extremly uncomfortable for the people in the pictures

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Amazon should have an option to donate to charity if your short on free shipping

Title says all

Edit: used the wrong your, should have used you're, thanks autocorrect.



Dogs are just wolves who decided to get humans to hunt for them. We don’t own dogs, we just work for smart wolves.

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If I start watching Back to the Future II at 4:25:39 PM today, the time circuits in the movie and the actual time will line up exactly when they first arrive in 2015.

They appear in the future 4 minutes and 21 seconds into the movie. The time circuits read October 21st, 2015 4:29 PM.

*Edit - The time circuits are obviously tuned to Pacific Time since it's the middle of the afternoon when they land in Hill Valley.

In the 1980s, when Doc Brown was programming the time circuits, daylight savings time ended on the last Sunday in October (this changed in 2007, but wouldn't matter either way since today is before the last Sunday).

So it is likely that the time circuits were displaying PDT, meaning the actual time I need to start watching the movie is 7:25:39 PM, Eastern Daylight Time.



Viagra is basically caps lock for your dick

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Sending your navy to sit in international waters just off a country's coastline is the world's highest-stakes game of "I'm not touching you"

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If waterproof phones become the new standard, we'll be able to push people in the pool again

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If you went back in time and met yourself, both versions of yourself would see each other as the "old" you.

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I wonder what numbers between 1 and 1000 I will never say out loud.

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After tomorrow, Back to the Future will take place entirely in the past.

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Celebrity Deathmatch quit before the golden age of obnoxious celebrities

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You never see anyone with acne in old historical pictures

(Reposting my thought after I accidentally deleted it)

But I don't just mean the glamorous old Hollywood photos. I also mean everyday pics like the old western pics from the 1800s



If our butt cheeks were one on top of the other instead of side by side, then our ass would clap whenever we ran up or down stairs

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Children of gay couples probably shouldn't gift a #1 Dad mug on Father's Day

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Tuesday, October 20, 2015

My 6yo, already a hardcore gamer, has learned to associate the word "boss" with something blatantly evil, incredibly powerful and something you must destroy in order to get ahead...

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If my dad jerked off one more time, or my mom ovulated one more time I would be a completely different person with a whole different life with its own complex relationships and interactions.

Edit: I sure hope I'd be a pretty girl



When self driving cars come out Google is going to regret calling cloud storage "Google Drive"

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I just fantasized about someone calling me and giving me a free Caribbean vacation. But, if someone actually called me and said they were going to send me on a free Caribbean vacation, I'd get pissed and hang up.

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Bacon and eggs is a day's work for a chicken and a lifetime achievement for a pig.

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One day WinRAR owner will sue everyone in the world and become the richest man alive.

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It's bullshit that people have to pay for cable AND watch commercials.

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Volcanoes are earth pimples.

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The great religious paintings from the Renaissance is really just fan art for the Bible.

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I reddit so much that I know what's going on in America better than what's going on in my own country

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People who are bisexual should call themselves 'ambisextrous'

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Before I was born, I was just a man trapped in a woman's body.

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Bill Nye should have a training program for science people to educate in his style that results in an honorary bow tie and the right to add "a science guy" after your name on all official documents

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It would be neat if Netflix doubled as a dating site, like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched Homeland for 12 straight hours”

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According to shows set in the 70s, everyone in that era drove 70s cars, their houses were decorated entirely in 70s decor, and any trace of previous decades had been entirely eradicated.

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After 2 years of working at Chipotle, I wonder how many times I've looked at my coworker Emma's ass

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Preparing for a party, I just bought $20 worth of food at the grocery store. I added it up and the food had ~6000 calories. I bought enough food to fully feed a grown man for three days, and it only cost 2 labor-hours worth of money. The modern world is amazing.

Edit: Guys, I realize this is neither a healthy diet nor the absolute maximum calorie/dollar that you can get. I also know that the US minimum wage isn't enough to live on and that there are other costs of living besides food. This is /r/showerthoughts, it's a thought I had, let's move past the nitpicking.



The USA doesn't have a name for their country. They just use a description and a vague location.

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I swallow my own saliva hundreds of times a day, but the idea of spitting into a cup and drinking it makes me gag.

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Charlie Brown is a comic strip about a depressed and lonely 6 year old that never has anything goes his way and we read it and laugh.

that was a run on sentence oops



Honking in traffic is like mashing A on a non-skippable cutscene

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Monday, October 19, 2015

We get angry at our alarm clock when it wakes us up and just as angry when it fails to wake us up

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What if Harry was just in a coma for 7 years because he actually just ran head first into a wall at a train station

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"Netflix and chill" has to be one of the largest unintentional ad campaigns in history

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An intersection with stop signs where all the cars are waiting for the other to engage without anyone moving should be called a Canadian Standoff

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Right now, when we say "Early 2000s," we generally mean 2000-2005. In a few centuries, we will be part of the "Early 2000s"

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For years I've been pulling the shower curtain open to make sure there isn't a monster hiding there. It's just occurred to me that I wouldn't know what to do if there was a monster there.

Won't stop me from checking, tho



People don't "try to grow a beard", they just stop preventing themselves from growing a beard

Basically they finally allow themselves to achieve their true potential.



Machines are getting better at Captchas as they get harder. Humans are not. Eventually Captcha will be used to prove you are a machine.

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To a mind reader, someone with a song stuck in their head is like a radio

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There's most likely a girl from your high school who has a sex tape on the internet and you'll most likely never find that video.

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I see a post about a new breakthrough with curing cancer almost everyday but I never hear about it again later.

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It's funny how some biblical names caught on and not others. Plenty of Daniels, Davids, and Johns, but not so many Jehoshaphats, Zerubbabels, and Zadoks.

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I have probably said f*ck more times than I have said my own name...

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Cell phones have become like portable refrigerators; we check them every five minutes to see if anything has changed but we already know the answer even before the light comes on

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Reddit is the only place where people trust the historical knowledge of someone who calls themselves something like I_DRINK_DIARRHEA or Crispy_Sock

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Casper is literally a dead child that has been trapped in the limbo of reality for 80+ years, yet is somehow optimistic about his fate.

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Smartphones are really the Pokédexes we all wish we had as children.

You can even speak to them the way Ash spoke to his.



Pixar and Dreamworks sound like the street names for hard drugs.

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Touch-free soap dispensers are pretty pointless if the soap actually works.

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Blindness is like invisibility but in reverse

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Sunday, October 18, 2015

There should be online warnings like [NSFW] but for when I am surfing Reddit while eating a meal. [Not Safe While Eating] [NSWE]

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If hollister and LaCoste decided to merge, I don't think many people would wear Hollicoste brand clothing

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When translated, "The Los Angeles Angels" literally means "The The Angels Angels".

This was on Jeopardy the other night, but I thought it belongs here.



When people say "I'd love to be in the zombie apocalypse!" They're basically saying, "I'd love to go on a killing spree and not feel bad about it"

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I wonder how many times I've died playing online games and ended up on someone else's Youtube montage video.

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If no one browsed /new then everybody would browse /new

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The Moon probably thinks all humans are white males that speak english.

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Whenever someone tells me to "Be a man" or "man up", they are usually trying to get me to do something against my self-interest.

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It's okay for something that isn't chicken to taste like chicken, but it's not cool for something that isn't fish to taste like fish.

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It must be so scary for blind people when the lights go out and people start gasping

Remember in school when the lights would go out and everyone in class would just start freaking out? How would you like to be the blind kid who had no idea what the fuck was going on



We need to start worrying about what kind of world we're going to leave for Keith Richards.

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Reddit is like a mental hamster wheel for bored people

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After all that happened, Harry Potter would lose his shit if he ever had a migraine

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Star Wars Episode VII will be the first in the series released in the correct order corresponding to its number.

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As a kid, I got lectured for only doing the bare minimum to complete a task. As an engineer, I get paid to do just that.

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Why has nobody created a tech support line for cooking yet? Trained chefs walk you through tricky recipes and help save culinary disasters over the phone.

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By the time babies understand the concepts of a plane, "landing", "approaching the runway", and "coming in to the hangar" they are far too old to be spoon fed.

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I just realized the phrase "honk if you're horny" is a pun about horns.

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People who have photographic memory can easily masturbate without looking at a computer screen.

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If light sabers and laser guns can penetrate armor, then the Stormtroopers should have wore t-shirts and bermuda shorts instead of those sweaty and heavy useless suits of armor

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In the bible, Noah told people when it would rain. Nowadays, NOAA tells people when it will rain.

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It seems like school teachers never need to use the bathroom.

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Saturday, October 17, 2015

After this week, Back to the Future will take place entirely in the past

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Blind kids can stay up reading under the covers and their parents can't ever tell

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If a Snickers is all it takes to satisfy you, you weren't hungry enough to justify your bad attitude.

Not even a king size.



Over the past 10 years, they've been taking away our progress bars and replacing them with "loading circles" that don't tell us any useful information. How did we let this happen

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Everyone thinks I'm a slob by having garbage in my car but really it shows I dont litter

You guys make me laugh. I am no lazy slob i simply wait until convenient to throw out some trash.



Being a time traveler from the 1920s and hearing someone in the present make reference to World War One would be pretty terrifying.

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One day movies about space will be made in space.

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My sister died two years ago, but before she died she had bought lifetime service for her TiVo. I am now using her TiVo, and literally violating a lifetime service agreement in the only way it's possible to violate a lifetime service agreement.

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I've been wiping my ass for over 20 years and I'm still trying to figure out the best way to do it.

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Fat women are considered unattractive, but the fattest parts of women are considered the most attractive.

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The most common animal in zoos is humans

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Americans think we Australians all die from snakes, and spiders etc, Australians all think Americans die from being shot by cops, or gangs etc..

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One day my wife left, emptied the bank accounts and took and our 2012 Sonata. I told her attorney "I don't want to fight this. The only thing she can't have is the dog". 2 years later I realized this means I valued my dog at just over $29,000. I paid $100 for him.

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Today earphones have replaced hats. You take them off only when you meet someone you have respect for.

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If I touched my phone in just the right places, I'd end up on the front page.

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Facebook needs a "Mute User's Shares" button so I can keep up on family news without dealing with the inane "Repost if you Agree!" bullshit.

99.9% of the time I'm interested in original content, not the modern equivalent of an email forward.



If you are a famous smuggler you are not doing it right.

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My parents used to tell me how they had to share a phone line with their neighbours. I'm going to be able to tell my kids that I had to share a phone line with my parents.

We all have personal cell phones now.



A book with maps of earth is called an Atlas because it holds the world

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If people get divorced the kids should get the house and the parents should have to commute each week from one house to another

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You'd think women would have lost some of their power over me with internet porn so available. But no, i will still do pretty much anything to touch boobs.

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Friday, October 16, 2015

At some point, every working adult redditor comes to the realization that they're the minority, and the rest of reddit are college freshmen, teens, and pre-teens bored at school

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Skydiving is like zooming in on maps really fast with no lag.

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I don't get why people are upset we haven't invented hover-boards by 2015 when according to the same movie, we should've had a time machine back in in 1985.

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Tinfoil hatters probably thought it was a huge conspiracy when tin was replaced with aluminum.

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Cutting a corner off a piece of paper increases the number of corners it has.

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Can't a Knight in dirty armor be just as, if not more, heroic than a Knight in shining armor? In fact, a Knight in shining armor probably didn't do much fighting and is probably a coward anyways.

And his dad is the king or something. Or he's just that badass that he can't be touched so his armor is still shiny.



If a serial killer was hunting me - he would become very pissed at my lack of routine.

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During the day you can see only one Sun. At night, you can see over two thousand Suns.

Edit: For those curious about more information. I was. (http://ift.tt/VhZZJR)

Edit 2: More fun (http://ift.tt/1Ozf9Ds)



I think the Wicked Witch kept the flying monkeys around to mask her terrible smell since she could never shower.

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Reading sheet music is like reading a book, except the little voice in your head hums instead of talks.

I mean, think about it. When you read sheet music, you generally hear the tune in your head unless you've never read the music before/don't have perfect pitch. But when you read a book, you hear your own voice or whatever voice you decide to read it in.



A book with 100 pages only has 50 pages.

Because each page is counted twice (front and back).



Let us take a moment to appreciate the horse, the most farted upon creature ever.

My g/f is going to see this tomorrow and accuse me of calling her a horse.



Napkins perform the same job as toilet paper at the opposite end of the same process.

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There are enough galaxies in the universe that everyone who has ever existed could own one.

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The only reason lobsters and crabs aren't thought of as some terrifying underwater spider scorpion hybrid monsters is because at some point we decided they tasted good.

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In grade school, I wrote research papers by asking questions and then looking up the answers. In college, I wrote research papers by already knowing the answers and Googling for reputable sources who agreed with me.

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Pumping gas it literally like watching money come out of your bank account.

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Brake light intensity should match the amount of force used on the brake pedal, and should flash when breaking hard.

I'm stuck in traffic on 76 and thought of this.



In 60 years all of our usernames will no longer be in use. Just millions of pages of deceased redditors.

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A will is a dead giveaway.

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Thursday, October 15, 2015

There should be a shop where they have a boob scanner that 3D prints the perfect bra for you.

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Procrastinators can do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours, and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.

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Every morning I wake up and catch my brain closing some really weird open tabs. But when I check the history, my brain's been on incognito mode all night.

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The "M" in "MTV" now stands for "miscellaneous."

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I use a manly scented deodorant to mask my manly scent.

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I'm still really really hoping that everything from 2015 Back to the Future was already invented and they're deciding to wait until Oct 21 to unveil them.

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The best way to be passive aggressive is to order a "worst trophy shop" trophy from a trophy shop and never pick it up

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A bullet may have someone's name on it, but ten pounds of C4 is more 'to whom it may concern'

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When nerds are bullied in movies often times it's the less successful actors making fun of the more famous actors for being losers.

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If the universe was infinitely big, the observable universe would be infinitely small.

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I'm always surprised at how many people have a sharpie while taking a shit

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Finding a parking spot is a lot like finding a sexual partner. Either you're in the right place at the right time, or you have to pay for it. And your best chance is to find one someone else is just leaving.

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Kids researching their family history two generations from now are going to find a lot of nude pictures of their grandparents...

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As a single guy, my heated passenger seat in my car is a takeout warmer.

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Why not have a wireless charging mousepad for your wireless mouse?

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We are getting a new Steve Jobs movie every other year because movie studios know that Apple fans already buy almost the same product every two years anyway.

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My Blizzard account has more security than my bank account.

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Lego and the Simpsons have ordained yellow as the race-neutral color for cartoon renderings, hence the new emojis.

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What if your life flashing before your eyes is your subconscious searching your memory to find a way to save your life?

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Raindrops are inside out bubbles

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If somebody says "you're one in a million" they could either mean you're remarkable, or you're entirely replaceable.

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The younger the picture of you, the older the picture of you.

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Cars should have an external button that allows you to shut off the lights inside the car. That way, when you walk by a car with the lights left on, you can actually help instead of just walking away knowing that person's battery is on death row.

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When I want a picture from my phone on my computer, it's easier to send it across the country to Google's servers and retrieve it, rather than plug a cable into my computer

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Once 3D printers can print computer chips, we can literally download more RAM.

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It's impossible to measure the weight of all of the weight measuring instruments in the world at the same time.

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When self driving cars become popular, drunk driving could mean waking up in a completely different city or even country because you drunkenly told your car to take you somewhere.

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Wednesday, October 14, 2015

The rule, "There are exceptions to every rule" is the only rule without exception, making itself the exception to the rule.

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Peter Parker was true king of the selfie.

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There is probably a guy from NASA who knows his way around Mars better than his own hometown.

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Adulthood is just a struggle to allocate a dwindling number of fucks to an increasing number of tasks.

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Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.

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Would a calculator work in a dream, or would it just kind of get confused and give up

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If changing the past creates alternate timelines, Marty McFly was just a kid who got into a creepy old guy's car and was never seen again.

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Anytime I see the phrase "100% real meat" I immediately think "this is not 100% real meat".

Anyone else dislike this phrase?



Baby names books should just be called names books.

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In space, your phone screen wouldn't rotate automatically

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The juice and cookies at the blood donation center aren't free. They are paid for in human blood.

Or at the very least made possible by human blood.



"The Simpsons" is a show about a financially unstable family with an alcholic father, a wife who is unsatisfied with her marriage, a depressed girl, an ADHD-riddden boy, and a senior citizen in a low-quality retirement home who likely has dementia

Pretty dark for a comedy



Amish people could never correct any wrong information on their wikipedia page

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Having a toddler is like being on a permanent escort mission: A low AI character tries to follow you around, and if you're not careful enough, they'll find a way to kill themselves.

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Nothing catches my eye faster than a "nsfw" tag.

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Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Reddit gold is like sex, you can give it to yourself easily anytime, but to have someone give it to you is an entirely different and better experience.

69



The concept of "white privilege" makes me feel like a fuck-up for not having my life together.

edit. you guy sure do seem to have a lot to say about this



We should call all countries what they call themselves. For example, Americans should call Germany "Deutschland". Or Japan "Nihon".

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The kid on the corner yelling "EXTRA EXTRA, READ ALL ABOUT IT!" was the original form of click bait.

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In Back To The Future II, Marty McFly travels to 21 OCT 2015. As of today, we have only one week left for the franchise to feature time-travel into the future. After that, all the BTTF films will feature Marty travelling into the past from our perspective.

In a way, this is the end of an element of our collective childhoods... watching Back To The Future II and thinking excitedly about the future and what it might hold.

The future is here.



We're all addicted to serotonin, endorphins, anandamide, dopamine etc and absolutely every action we take is to try and get more of them.

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During the world wars the Brits called the Germans "Jerrys" and the Germans called the Brits "Tommys". Tom & Jerry.



The only thing I would actually pay an arm and a leg for would be a futuristic, robotic arm and a leg.

It's a stupid phrase and people who use it are stupid.

Or not. It is silly though.



I wonder if when humans go extinct on Earth, will aliens find our DNA and create a human version of Jurassic Park?

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Do you think service dogs judge my dog for being unemployed?

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I wonder if I'll ever have to write Earth at the bottom of a postal address

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Jedi always bring a knife to a gun fight.

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When one homeowner buys a fence, the other gets a free fence.

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Another 4 years and "The Simpsons" will be able to play a different Halloween episode every day of October.

Another 21 and you could run them for a full 24 hours on the 31st!



The answer to "Is it Opposite day?" is always "No"

That is all



It's ok if Playboy stops publishing nudes, because everyone I've ever talked to only gets the magazine for the articles.

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The more pixels an image has, the less pixelly it is

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An Alarm clock is something we get frustrated at when it does its job and also when it doesn't

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If Arkham Asylum is really an asylum, Batman beat the ever loving shit out the mentally handicapped

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Reddit is the only site I can think of where you can't upload a profile picture or avatar.

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Monday, October 12, 2015

Since people tend to marry someone similar to their mom or dad, the first defense against your kid dating a shitty person is to not be a shitty person yourself.

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The word "different" is both a synonym for "antonym" and an antonym for "synonym"

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How bad was the accident that caused the "Don't run with scissors" rule to be so widely enforced?

No one in math ever said don't run with a compass



Scary movies should put high pitched sounds only dogs can hear so your dog will start acting crazy for (seemingly) no reason at the scariest parts.

Every time I'm watching a scary movie alone at night I take my dog with me if I go to the kitchen or have to pee, assuming that if someone/something threatening is around, he'd alert me. If he was scared too, I'd probably have a shit fit.



I have to plug my mobile phone into the charger so much throughout the day, that I basically have a landline again.

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When people say "I'm 99% sure", they are probably have more certainty than someone who says "I'm 100% sure".

Just got to that conclusion while thinking about an argument I had with my brother.



"Is Pepsi ok?" Was probably someone's breaking point.

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Chick-Fil-A cows are promoting a chicken genocide and we are comfortable with it.

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As a cashier, I've never been yelled at by someone under 30 if a mistake has been made or something is taking a while. It's only ever middle-aged/older people, young customers just smile and wait

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The moral of the Ugly Duckling is that everything was ok because he was actually pretty

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First person video games don't blink.

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If you ride a bike, then you're a cyclist, and if you ride a motorcycle, you're a biker.

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Not once have I turned on my computer and wished iTunes would auto open.

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I don't like paying $12 for a six pack of beer, but I think $5 is a reasonable price for a pint at the bar.

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just-shower-thoughts steals our content using a bot and doesn't even give credit to the source. Follow showerthoughtsofficial.tumblr.com to see our OFFICIAL hand picked thoughts and images!

Apologies to subscribers of r/ShowerThoughts for this seemingly nonsensical post.

There's a very popular tumblr page that uses a bot to 'steal' all of your content, without providing any links back to the source. I've known about it for a long time but didn't think much of it. Today I finally noticed it was a bot, so with this post stickied there's a chance that this message will be sent out to all of their followers as long as the bot doesn't know any better.

Edit: HOLY SHIT IT WORKED

http://ift.tt/1hAzBWa


Anyone who wants to follow our official Tumblr page (I'm sure there aren't many of you): http://ift.tt/1FZoSjW

I've started making some really simple images to post to various social media channels - you can see an example here.



I wonder how many flies have been trapped in a car, then traveled hundreds of miles, got out and thought "The fuck..where am I?"

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Self-driving cars will occasionally be pulling up to a destination with a corpse inside, the sole passenger having expired during the trip.

Of course the optional health-monitoring package could divert you to the hospital in case of such an emergency...



When you start using Reddit everyone appears to be smarter than you, a few months later you realize you're surrounded by mob mentality.

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The price of a calender should drop 8.3% every month it hasn't sold.

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Someday, someone will be the last person ever born.

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Your age is just the number of laps you've done around a giant fireball in the center of the solar system.

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Sunday, October 11, 2015

Women sound like murderers when they comment on each other's photos "I WANT TO BE YOU", "I WANT YOUR SKIN", "I WANT YOUR HAIR"

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Artificial strawberry taste tastes nothing like real strawberries, yet the whole world has accepted that it does.

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I wish there was a real life stat keeper so I can see how many times I've pooped in my life time and compare it with friends.

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What if genies were real until somebody wished them out of existence?

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CNN used to blame video games for mass shootings. Now we blame CNN for reporting on the shooters.

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Laugh tracks should be an option like closed captioning

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No caterpillar has ever died of old age

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Sir Ian McKellen is literally a gay lord.

That's actually pretty cool...



A set of red, yellow, and green lights have more authority than I ever will.

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The worst part of using Uber, is that I will never get to be on Cash Cab

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Given that I visit Reddit far more often than Facebook, it stands to reason that I prefer perfect strangers over actual friends and family.

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I haven't read a shampoo bottle since I got my first smartphone.

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Math teachers help the world by creating problems.

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On October 21st someone somewhere in the world will be watching Back to the Future 2 for the first time and will be very surprised when they see what date Marty travels to.

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it's pretty fucked up how Winnie The Pooh and Jack The Ripper have the same middle name

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If an actor reads a book after they've already filmed the movie, do they imagine themselves as the character?

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When self-driving cars become popular, they will need to have an alarm to wake me up once it gets me to work in the morning.

Maybe even incorporate a toaster so that I can make breakfast on the way.



"Well, I never!" is just Grandma's version of "What the fuck?"

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The opposite of "Netflix and Chill" is "Steam and Loneliness"

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One of the lesser known advantages of owning a cat is that they will alert you if a red dot from a sniper rifle appears on your body by frantically jumping on you.

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Saturday, October 10, 2015

In all my life I have probably seen over ten thousand squirrels wandering around. Never once have I seen one pooping.

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Social anxiety means that sometimes I throw parties and worry that people will show up.

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If I was born after nine months, and an hour before me, a premature baby was born after seven-and-a-half months, they would be older than me despite existing for a shorter period of time.

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The difference between "woman" and "women" is spelled in the second syllable but pronounced in the first syllable.

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A dildo can also be called a selfie stick.

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When I turn 60, my instagram is going to get me so much karma on /r/oldschoolcool

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I'd love to wear a Yelp hat and a TripAdvisor polo during my next vacation to see if I received a different level of service.

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Saying "Edit: thanks for the gold stranger," is like an action hero looking back at the explosion. It just ruins it.

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If I ever decide to kill myself I'm going to do it while skydiving. That way if I change my mind like they say people sometimes do, I'll have a way to back out at the last minute.

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I wonder how many "Never Gonna Give You Up" views on YouTube were actually intentional

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I wish I could visit a museum that has on display, in chronological order, every item I've ever owned, with a little placard that describes what happened to it.

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In Canada we don't have "Independence Day" because we asked the queens permission to become a country.

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What if M. Night Shyamalan's career is intentionally bad and he intends to turn it all around with good movies five years from now as the twist?

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Saturday morning cartoons were to keep us busy while our parents got over their hangovers.

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I go to illegal torrenting sites openly but visit legal porn sites in incognito

and yes i understand the websites themselves aren't illegal xP



Many of us will be the last people in the course of human history to have experienced life without computers and Internet.

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I have never tasted a Pumpkin Spiced Latte, but I still hate it.

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I wonder whether the verb version of "pet" came first, or the noun version. Do we pet things because we have pets, or do we have pets because we pet things?

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Reddit is the only place where I've learnt to not trust the article headlines and instead expect a stranger in the comments to tell me the truth

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If puking is called throwing up why don't people call pooping throwing down?

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There is a big difference between a Third World War and a Third-World War

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Instead of stink bombs someone should design scent bombs- Small capsules you can drop and crush discreetly to overpower bad odors on places like trains.

Or you know, flatulence.



Friday, October 9, 2015

Companies in Sweden have been experimenting with a 6 hour work day, and employers seem to love it. I've been experimenting with a 6 hour work day for a while now and my employer doesn't even have a clue.

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Foo Fighters have been around for like 20 years, yet i hear the same damn 4 songs on the radio.

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There comes a time in your life when most of the things your parents told you as a kid just click in your head.

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What if people staring at you are time tourists who came back in time to see you because in the future you're famous?

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If you are 99% sure of something, then you really aren't sure at all.

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I wonder when and what caused us to all of a sudden decide men and women shouldn't go to the bathroom in the same place

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Porn is as much a realistic representation of sex as Kung Fu movies are to a bar fight

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Tinder, hinge, etc.. Are the only apps that if successful, you have to delete them.

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The 1985 Back to the Future scenes more closely resemble today's fashion than the 2015 scenes do.

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The Price is Right is just an hour long advertisement disguised as a game show

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Knitting a sweater has to be one of the coolest things to know how to do. You're telling the world that you can tie a knot so elaborate you can wear it as clothing.

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The people that tell you "Life isn't fair" are usually the ones making your life unfair.

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We come to shower thoughts to be showered by thoughts.

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Words are just sounds we agreed on understanding.

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Schools in the Marvel Universe will have the coolest history lessons

"Today we will learn about Loki's alien invasion of New York"



The better you look in clothes, the more people want to take them off

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If time travel is ever invented time travel is always invented.

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If no one comes from the future to stop you, then how bad of a decision can it really be?

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Watching your favorite sports team is just gambling but instead of using money you use your happiness.

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The little space in "girl friend", that means she isn't your "girlfriend", is the friendzone.

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I went to the bathroom right before midnight and finished right after midnight. Same shit, different day.

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I wonder if, through evolution, rain sounds are "soothing" at night because there's less of a chance of predators in a storm

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