Saturday, October 31, 2015
I've never seen a blind person smoke a cigarette.
Halloween is the worst day to have an actual, bleeding injury
I mean, no one is going to believe you...
Debit card is an anagram of bad credit.
Redditors are a bunch of anti-social people taking part in one of the largest and most diverse social gatherings in human history.
I'm gonna go hide in a corner now.
The KKK ruined being a ghost for holloween.
Friday, October 30, 2015
If your professor just recites the textbook back at you during class, it's effectively adult story time.
Just a thought I had today about grad school.
C3PO and Luke Skywalker are essentially brothers
You only have a lap when you're sitting down.
Where does it go when you stand up?
There should be an app called 'Bullshit', where you select a conversation topic you want to bullshit your way through, and the app finds some recent research based opinions.
Does this count as me patenting the idea? If so, sweet.
All tests should be open book. It's not like your future boss is going to say, "I need those tax returns finished by noon, but don't look at any of the financial statements. Do it all from memory."
Edit: I should clarify by saying this thought is inspired by tests that are just rote emesis of factoids, vs. the use of skills, critical thinking, process knowledge, etc.
Masturbation must have been awesome for Narcissus.
Goku and the Z Fighters were really lucky they encountered bad guys in increasing order of fighting ability.
If the show opened with Goku and Krillin fighting Cell or Kid Buu, the series...wouldn't have lasted very long.
You can't burn water, but water can burn you.
When I was a kid, I thought the "key to the city" actually opened all the doors in the city.
I never thought about it just being a ceremonial key they give to people in shows and movies.
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Croutons are the Lucky Charms marshmallows of salad
Your ass is your leg's shoulder
Onions make you mourn their death as you cut them.
I think I would enjoy a professional National Dodgeball League.
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
I procrastinate to clean until I need to clean to procrastinate
You've never met the loneliest person.
In just a little over 4 years, "30 years ago" will mean the 90s.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming.
No where in humpty dumpty does it say hes an egg.
A small realisation that has changed my favourite childhood book
Saying how big a file is in KB is like saying how old someone is in Months
"This game is 102429kb" "This human is 132 months"
TL;DR is the TL;DR of Too Long Didn't Read
Like the proton or neutron, the crouton literally means "small particle of bread crust"
From the French "croûte" = crust (of bread)
Waffles are just pankakes with abs
Pornhub should have a memories app like Facebook
In Taylor Swifts 'Blank Space' she dropped her new found boyfriends Galaxy S5 in a shallow pool because she was jealous, the S5 is waterproof up to a meter.
She galaxy S5 is waterproof up to a meter (3ft 3in) for 30 minutes and she dropped it into a ~1 foot pool in hopes to break it.
Good job, Taylor.
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
We tell kids to not take candy from strangers, but have an entire holiday dedicated to taking candy from strangers.
One of our top few biggest ones, too.
Natasha is "Ah, Satan" backwards.
The nsfw tag is the reddit click bait
"Eh, fuck it" is the grown up version of "Hakuna matata."
Who the hell figured out how butterflies work? Was there just someone randomly in the right place at the right time, or was someone deliberately following a caterpillar around like "this bug is up to something cool and I know it."
Update: TIL Maria Sibylla Merian literally did exactly that.
If we find aliens I hope that'd be the impetus to clean up the planet...just out of embarrassment.
"Oh god I'm sorry I thought I was alone."
Trees are literally breathtaking.
It amazes me that there was a time before sandwiches.
Monday, October 26, 2015
I wonder how many chickens actually die of old age...
I mean we must control a vast percentage of the global chicken population and kill most of them prior to what would be their natural death.
Linux is free if you don't value your time.
The third hand on a clock is called the second hand.
I only know how to spell "amateur" because of porn.
I've never actually heard the queen speak.
When a Pop-Up ad appears, not once have I considered using their service before closing the ad.
In fact, I'm now less likely to use it.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa in ITALY is ITALICISED
Sunday, October 25, 2015
Cleaning my cats litterbox is like panning for terrible gold.
It took me 16 years to realise Saturday has turd in it
When I was a kid I used to watch "Power Rangers" and then use my imagination to pretend I was fighting monsters while playing outside. Now I just watch Porn and use my imagination to pretend I'm having sex with supermodels while I sit in my room and masturbate.
To Yoda, everyone must sound pretty fucking weird
Any of you could be my next door nieghbor.
McDonalds has never gotten my order wrong in my favor.
When a watch battery dies, it records the time of its own death.
Saturday, October 24, 2015
Beef jerky is like a cow raisin
Comedy Central should have a 2nd channel showing stand-up comedians 24/7.
Comedy Central should have a 2nd channel showing stand-up comedians 24/7.
If lightsabers ever get mass produced the companies name should be Sith & Wesson.
EDIT: Autocorrect corrected company's to companies. Sorry about that!
The trees planted on city sidewalks should be replaced with fruit trees, so the homeless have something to eat in the summer and fall.
I've always thought it would be a good idea to help the homeless by planting fruit trees on streets. Not to mention if your just walking you can pick something for a snack.
A blind person with a vacuum cleaner is essentially a Roomba
POV porn is also a first-person shooter.
Bath tubs are reverse boats.
Source: currently am taking a bath
It would be amazingly terrifying if animals waged war against each other like humans do. You'd wake up, get a cup of coffee and look out your window and say things like "Oh shit, looks like the bears and eagles are fightin' again."
Maybe Yoda is Human and that's just what Humans look like when they turn 900.
Has the secret of his race been under our noses the whole time?
Is Bing's top search "Google"?
Friday, October 23, 2015
I bet giraffes don't even know what a fart smells like
4chan is the Mos Eisley of the internet
School doesn't test your intelligence, it tests your memory.
Cats adopted a language just to yell at us.
Preggo my eggo would be the perfect name for a fertility clinic
"You're not" and "You aren't" are two different ways to contract the same sentence, and the same length.
It's like there being two shortcuts that are both the same length and lead to the same place.
Another word for guns is arms. Another word for arms are guns.
Think about it
Thursday, October 22, 2015
500 years ago, pirates were a real danger and were not considered cute. I wonder if, in 500 years, kids will be dressing up as Islamic Terrorists for Halloween.
EDIT: RIP my inbox. By the time I finish reading new comments, I have 6 new comments.
EDIT: Please stop trying to push your political agendas here. This is just a joke. Please keep the politics in /r/politics or /r/worldnews.
A saddle is really just a human to horse adapter.
It's weird that Tarzan never had a beard.
Blankets don't keep us warm, we keep blankets warm.
With the exception of an electric blanket.
If Marty McFly showed up today, he wouldn't need to change clothes. We would just think he was a hipster.
Sorry for another BTTF post.
When I make fried chicken, I am rubbing a corpse with the embryos of its own offspring.
Like, coat chicken in chicken eggs, then roll it in crumbs, then fry it. Kinds metal.
All fish tanks are basically soups if you apply heat
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
Stacy is probably hotter than her mom by now
A gym is a room dedicated for fighting gravity
Yelp is suing South Park for $10M because of their recent episode, meaning they're essentially getting upset at them over a bad review.
Update: Perhaps they're not suing them. Regardless, this is shower thoughts, not naked news (toilet humor! (literally! (I'll stop now)))
Amazon should have an option to donate to charity if your short on free shipping
Title says all
Edit: used the wrong your, should have used you're, thanks autocorrect.
If I start watching Back to the Future II at 4:25:39 PM today, the time circuits in the movie and the actual time will line up exactly when they first arrive in 2015.
They appear in the future 4 minutes and 21 seconds into the movie. The time circuits read October 21st, 2015 4:29 PM.
*Edit - The time circuits are obviously tuned to Pacific Time since it's the middle of the afternoon when they land in Hill Valley.
In the 1980s, when Doc Brown was programming the time circuits, daylight savings time ended on the last Sunday in October (this changed in 2007, but wouldn't matter either way since today is before the last Sunday).
So it is likely that the time circuits were displaying PDT, meaning the actual time I need to start watching the movie is 7:25:39 PM, Eastern Daylight Time.
Viagra is basically caps lock for your dick
You never see anyone with acne in old historical pictures
(Reposting my thought after I accidentally deleted it)
But I don't just mean the glamorous old Hollywood photos. I also mean everyday pics like the old western pics from the 1800s
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
If my dad jerked off one more time, or my mom ovulated one more time I would be a completely different person with a whole different life with its own complex relationships and interactions.
Edit: I sure hope I'd be a pretty girl
People who are bisexual should call themselves 'ambisextrous'
Before I was born, I was just a man trapped in a woman's body.
Preparing for a party, I just bought $20 worth of food at the grocery store. I added it up and the food had ~6000 calories. I bought enough food to fully feed a grown man for three days, and it only cost 2 labor-hours worth of money. The modern world is amazing.
Edit: Guys, I realize this is neither a healthy diet nor the absolute maximum calorie/dollar that you can get. I also know that the US minimum wage isn't enough to live on and that there are other costs of living besides food. This is /r/showerthoughts, it's a thought I had, let's move past the nitpicking.
Charlie Brown is a comic strip about a depressed and lonely 6 year old that never has anything goes his way and we read it and laugh.
that was a run on sentence oops
Honking in traffic is like mashing A on a non-skippable cutscene
Monday, October 19, 2015
For years I've been pulling the shower curtain open to make sure there isn't a monster hiding there. It's just occurred to me that I wouldn't know what to do if there was a monster there.
Won't stop me from checking, tho
People don't "try to grow a beard", they just stop preventing themselves from growing a beard
Basically they finally allow themselves to achieve their true potential.
Smartphones are really the Pokédexes we all wish we had as children.
You can even speak to them the way Ash spoke to his.
Blindness is like invisibility but in reverse
Sunday, October 18, 2015
When translated, "The Los Angeles Angels" literally means "The The Angels Angels".
This was on Jeopardy the other night, but I thought it belongs here.
If no one browsed /new then everybody would browse /new
It must be so scary for blind people when the lights go out and people start gasping
Remember in school when the lights would go out and everyone in class would just start freaking out? How would you like to be the blind kid who had no idea what the fuck was going on
Reddit is like a mental hamster wheel for bored people
It seems like school teachers never need to use the bathroom.
Saturday, October 17, 2015
Everyone thinks I'm a slob by having garbage in my car but really it shows I dont litter
You guys make me laugh. I am no lazy slob i simply wait until convenient to throw out some trash.
One day movies about space will be made in space.
My sister died two years ago, but before she died she had bought lifetime service for her TiVo. I am now using her TiVo, and literally violating a lifetime service agreement in the only way it's possible to violate a lifetime service agreement.
The most common animal in zoos is humans
One day my wife left, emptied the bank accounts and took and our 2012 Sonata. I told her attorney "I don't want to fight this. The only thing she can't have is the dog". 2 years later I realized this means I valued my dog at just over $29,000. I paid $100 for him.
Facebook needs a "Mute User's Shares" button so I can keep up on family news without dealing with the inane "Repost if you Agree!" bullshit.
99.9% of the time I'm interested in original content, not the modern equivalent of an email forward.
If you are a famous smuggler you are not doing it right.
My parents used to tell me how they had to share a phone line with their neighbours. I'm going to be able to tell my kids that I had to share a phone line with my parents.
We all have personal cell phones now.
Friday, October 16, 2015
Skydiving is like zooming in on maps really fast with no lag.
Can't a Knight in dirty armor be just as, if not more, heroic than a Knight in shining armor? In fact, a Knight in shining armor probably didn't do much fighting and is probably a coward anyways.
And his dad is the king or something. Or he's just that badass that he can't be touched so his armor is still shiny.
During the day you can see only one Sun. At night, you can see over two thousand Suns.
Edit: For those curious about more information. I was. (http://ift.tt/VhZZJR)
Edit 2: More fun (http://ift.tt/1Ozf9Ds)
Reading sheet music is like reading a book, except the little voice in your head hums instead of talks.
I mean, think about it. When you read sheet music, you generally hear the tune in your head unless you've never read the music before/don't have perfect pitch. But when you read a book, you hear your own voice or whatever voice you decide to read it in.
A book with 100 pages only has 50 pages.
Because each page is counted twice (front and back).
Let us take a moment to appreciate the horse, the most farted upon creature ever.
My g/f is going to see this tomorrow and accuse me of calling her a horse.
Brake light intensity should match the amount of force used on the brake pedal, and should flash when breaking hard.
I'm stuck in traffic on 76 and thought of this.
Thursday, October 15, 2015
The "M" in "MTV" now stands for "miscellaneous."
I use a manly scented deodorant to mask my manly scent.
My Blizzard account has more security than my bank account.
Raindrops are inside out bubbles
The younger the picture of you, the older the picture of you.
Cars should have an external button that allows you to shut off the lights inside the car. That way, when you walk by a car with the lights left on, you can actually help instead of just walking away knowing that person's battery is on death row.
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
Peter Parker was true king of the selfie.
Anytime I see the phrase "100% real meat" I immediately think "this is not 100% real meat".
Anyone else dislike this phrase?
Baby names books should just be called names books.
In space, your phone screen wouldn't rotate automatically
The juice and cookies at the blood donation center aren't free. They are paid for in human blood.
Or at the very least made possible by human blood.
"The Simpsons" is a show about a financially unstable family with an alcholic father, a wife who is unsatisfied with her marriage, a depressed girl, an ADHD-riddden boy, and a senior citizen in a low-quality retirement home who likely has dementia
Pretty dark for a comedy
Nothing catches my eye faster than a "nsfw" tag.
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
The concept of "white privilege" makes me feel like a fuck-up for not having my life together.
edit. you guy sure do seem to have a lot to say about this
In Back To The Future II, Marty McFly travels to 21 OCT 2015. As of today, we have only one week left for the franchise to feature time-travel into the future. After that, all the BTTF films will feature Marty travelling into the past from our perspective.
In a way, this is the end of an element of our collective childhoods... watching Back To The Future II and thinking excitedly about the future and what it might hold.
The future is here.
The only thing I would actually pay an arm and a leg for would be a futuristic, robotic arm and a leg.
It's a stupid phrase and people who use it are stupid.
Or not. It is silly though.
Do you think service dogs judge my dog for being unemployed?
Jedi always bring a knife to a gun fight.
When one homeowner buys a fence, the other gets a free fence.
Another 4 years and "The Simpsons" will be able to play a different Halloween episode every day of October.
Another 21 and you could run them for a full 24 hours on the 31st!
The answer to "Is it Opposite day?" is always "No"
That is all
The more pixels an image has, the less pixelly it is
Monday, October 12, 2015
How bad was the accident that caused the "Don't run with scissors" rule to be so widely enforced?
No one in math ever said don't run with a compass
Scary movies should put high pitched sounds only dogs can hear so your dog will start acting crazy for (seemingly) no reason at the scariest parts.
Every time I'm watching a scary movie alone at night I take my dog with me if I go to the kitchen or have to pee, assuming that if someone/something threatening is around, he'd alert me. If he was scared too, I'd probably have a shit fit.
When people say "I'm 99% sure", they are probably have more certainty than someone who says "I'm 100% sure".
Just got to that conclusion while thinking about an argument I had with my brother.
"Is Pepsi ok?" Was probably someone's breaking point.
First person video games don't blink.
just-shower-thoughts steals our content using a bot and doesn't even give credit to the source. Follow showerthoughtsofficial.tumblr.com to see our OFFICIAL hand picked thoughts and images!
Apologies to subscribers of r/ShowerThoughts for this seemingly nonsensical post.
There's a very popular tumblr page that uses a bot to 'steal' all of your content, without providing any links back to the source. I've known about it for a long time but didn't think much of it. Today I finally noticed it was a bot, so with this post stickied there's a chance that this message will be sent out to all of their followers as long as the bot doesn't know any better.
Edit: HOLY SHIT IT WORKED
Anyone who wants to follow our official Tumblr page (I'm sure there aren't many of you): http://ift.tt/1FZoSjW
I've started making some really simple images to post to various social media channels - you can see an example here.
Self-driving cars will occasionally be pulling up to a destination with a corpse inside, the sole passenger having expired during the trip.
Of course the optional health-monitoring package could divert you to the hospital in case of such an emergency...
Someday, someone will be the last person ever born.
Sunday, October 11, 2015
Laugh tracks should be an option like closed captioning
No caterpillar has ever died of old age
Sir Ian McKellen is literally a gay lord.
That's actually pretty cool...
Math teachers help the world by creating problems.
When self-driving cars become popular, they will need to have an alarm to wake me up once it gets me to work in the morning.
Maybe even incorporate a toaster so that I can make breakfast on the way.
"Well, I never!" is just Grandma's version of "What the fuck?"
The opposite of "Netflix and Chill" is "Steam and Loneliness"
Saturday, October 10, 2015
A dildo can also be called a selfie stick.
I go to illegal torrenting sites openly but visit legal porn sites in incognito
and yes i understand the websites themselves aren't illegal xP
Friday, October 9, 2015
We come to shower thoughts to be showered by thoughts.
Words are just sounds we agreed on understanding.
Schools in the Marvel Universe will have the coolest history lessons
"Today we will learn about Loki's alien invasion of New York"