Thursday, March 31, 2016

What if the only reason you can't pass through a mirror is because you are blocking yourself?

Sometimes I try it...



Whoever named "Now You See Me 2" missed a really obvious joke when they didn't name it "Now You Don't."

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If I were a hacker, I'd probably just hack into websites to fix typos and missing Oxford commas.

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The first person to be unoriginal was actually pretty original

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I pay such little attention to usernames on Reddit, that for all I know, the same five or ten people post every single thing.

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(as a guy) Trying to pee in the toilet in darkness is a practical human use of echolocation.

You know where to adjust the stream based on the sound you hear until you can hone right in on the sweet spot.



I just got married. This is the first time in my life that I've wanted to have sex with someone with same last name as me.

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For April fools day the Onion should become a perfectly regular news site

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The first person to pitch Shark Tank had to pitch an idea to a group of investors about pitching ideas to groups of investors.

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Traveling is just a real world type of DLC: you pay a bunch of money to unlock a part of the game that you couldn't get to otherwise.

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I really like the thought of going to a city where nobody knows my name or anything about me

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James Earl Jones has 2 famous lines - "I am your father" as Darth vader, and " You are my son" as mufasa

Edit: lol I know he has more famous lines. I was just thinking about these two



I've been speaking English so often that the voice I use to think is now English instead of my native language.

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I base my purchases almost solely on user reviews, but I never review products myself.

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We should take a minute to be thankful about clouds emptying their water at a slow rate and in form of tiny droplets, and not pouring it in one go in a giant falling block of water

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I'm not afraid of my parents deaths, but who will explain who is who in the family to me at their funerals?

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When self driving cars become the norm, gaining control of your car could be almost as scary as losing control is today.

Title



If I ever have a kid, I'll live out in a rural area and decorate the house entirely in thrift store 80's memorabilia. His whole life I'll make him think he was born in 1980 until his 18th birthday when I'll say, "Surprise! It's 2038!" Then we'll both laugh at what a good prank that was.

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Your body is made of cells, which are made of atoms, which are made of quarks and electrons, which are just vibrations in energy field. Your entire existence is based on vibration. You are a vibrator.

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I used to think I could control ducks with my mind. But then I realized that ducks and I have very similar ideas about what ducks should do.

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Breaking Bad was an epic PSA urging us to pay educators more.

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I hit snooze on my alarm for 20-40 minutes every morning, but when I go into my kids' room to wake them up, I expect them to get up and moving immediately.

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Ever since "neckbeard" became a derogatory word, I've been way more conscious of shaving my neckline.

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It's risky to buy soda right after an earthquake

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Be skeptical. Tomorrow will be April Fools Day, so you should be wary of news reports because many will be lies intended to trick you. You should also be wary of news reports on the other 364 days because many will be lies intended to trick you.

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Every movie based on a true story is part of a shared cinematic universe.

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Wednesday, March 30, 2016

When you buy a bigger bed you have more bed room and less bedroom.

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I almost didn't join Reddit because the layout was so annoying, but now I couldn't imagine it any other way.

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The more you know about Che Guevara, the less likely you are to wear a t-shirt with his face on it.

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Being on reddit means you're too weird for Facebook, but not weird enough for 4chan

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An "A" is an "H" that gave itself a high five. An "X" is an "H" that tried to give itself a high-five but missed.

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John Cena and The Rock should be in a movie together as cops who go undercover as wrestlers.

I think that would be amazing and hilarious.



There is one Reddit user out there who has spent more time on this site than any other.

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Selfie stick would be a great name for a vibrator

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My personal email is used 1% for email, 99% for logging into things.

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What if the eagles in Lord of the Rings are regular size and everyone else is just really small?

We only ever see the eagles as large when we compare them to the characters. What if they're all Lilliputian?



10 percent of my Facebook friends are responsible for 90 percent of the crap in my feed.

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I wish that Chris Farley had lived long enough to impersonate Rob Ford on SNL

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I'm willing to spend countless hours perfecting my MMO character but i halfass my way through real life.

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GoFundMe is not a replacement for life insurance

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I have no easy way to tell all of my Facebook friends how productive and stress-free I have become since deactivating my Facebook account.

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Whenever I see an "F" in an acronym i dont know, i would immediately guess it stands for fuck before making other guesses.

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When someone says "educate yourself", what they really mean is "read the same material I read and agree with me"

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One of the biggest compliments a cook at home can get is "wow tastes like a restaurant"; one of the biggest compliments a restaurant chef can get is "wow tastes like home cooking".

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Smoking cigarettes is a great way to commit suicide if you're a procrastinator.

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Tuesday, March 29, 2016

If China wants people to have less kids, they should encourage homosexuality instead of restricting it.

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99.9999% of the human population doesnt even know you exist

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"I make $30,000 a year" sounds totally different than "I will sell you an hour of my life for $14".

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"Remember my password" is the best way to forget your password

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Learning to code has totally fucked my google search history. For example, "Do you fork a child before or after you kill the parent?"

I might be on a watchlist.



The average man is a Chinese guy.

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Wikipedia is the real-life equivalent to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

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Just counting from 1 to 2 you skipped an infinite amount of numbers

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My girlfriend will call out fearfully from the other room if a moth flies in through the window, but is perfectly okay sleeping next to our dog that has claws and a mouth full of sharp teeth.

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Wolverine is the least polite of the X-Men, despite the fact he is Canadian.

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You're closer to being dead than you were when you started reading this sentence.

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If you rapidly say "egg" repeatedly you sound like Mr. Krabs laughing

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A true pessimist's life is filled with wonderful surprises, while an optimist's life is a string of heartbreak, betrayal and disappointment

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I can readily find videos of people being brutally beaten and murdered on youtube but if I use 30 seconds of a song my account gets terminated.

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Most of the sky is actually below your feet.

I drew a picture on Paint to show what I'm on about.



It's funny how Bigfoot hasn't made an appearance now that everyone carries high resolution camera phones with them everywhere they go.

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Typing "lol" at the end of a text is equivalent to adding a laugh track to a sitcom.

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There's someone at the NSA who gets paid to browse Reddit.

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If a police officer pulled me over and asked, "Sir have you been smoking any marijuana today?" and I responded with, "I haven't smoked an ounce sir" I would still be telling the truth.

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I bet the catholic church wouldn't be against birth control if altar boys could get pregnant.

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Does my dog realize he's gone deaf or does he just think everyone has stopped talking to him.

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Jesus found what he loved and let it kill him: carpentry

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There should be an option on your phone that sends an away message when your phone dies and people are trying to reach you

Got out the shower and phone had died. Smh.



Monday, March 28, 2016

Pandora really needs a "No live versions or remixes" option.

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The only difference between a regular dot and a polka-dot, is the absence or presence of other dots

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As an adult, you can literally do what ever you want to do, I always end up wanting to just go home.

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If there is a hell, I hope the asshole who invented those "manually type your resume information into these blank fields" is being tortured the hardest

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I will never forget my parents phone number from my childhood, yet I will never remember a single number given to me now.

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I love how television has redefined the word 'marathon' to the exact opposite of physical exercise

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If you accidentally die in the process of faking your own death, did you fail or were you overqualified?

Where is Philosoraptor when you need him?



I wonder if Nicholas Cage and John Trovolta have used the face swap app yet.

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I bet the medieval stretching torture device felt really good for the first few seconds.

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Someone, somewhere in the world at this very moment is probably looking at their butthole in the mirror

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We used to be able to pause our video games but not pause our TV. Now we can pause our tv shows but can't pause our games

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My dog knows more English than I know Dog.

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Selfie could easily be a another word for masturbation.

Like blowie for blow jobs or handie for hand jobs.... You get the idea.



Fishing would be a lot less popular if fish had vocal cords.

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I wonder how many miles I've scrolled with my thumb

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I would rather spend 10 extra minutes driving on an empty road than be in traffic.

I think I just like the feeling of having progress.



Swimming in a pool on a cruise ship seems counter-intuitive

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Why is eggnog a Christmas drink, yet Easter doesn't have a drink, despite the fact that the holiday is themed around eggs?

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I sure do love primates but my instincts tell me not to click on /r/ape.

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Sunday, March 27, 2016

I am more willing to go to the 12th page of pornhub than I am to the 2nd page of google.

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Doing literally anything will help you lose weight "along with diet and exercise."

Licking a book. Closing one eye while pooping. Etc.



Growing up, everyone tells you to chase your dreams. Once you become an adult everyone tells you to be realistic.

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Baby boys and girls look basically the same, but parents will get irrationally angry if you get it wrong

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I will never know what my own handshake feels like.

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What if everyone has super powers, but they're just really oddly specific so no one discovers their super power?

Like having the ability to quote the entirety of Shakespeare, but only whilst completely covered in milk while eating a pomegranate.



If God doesn't have an ego, praising him is a waste of time.

Nothing against religion, but if the Dude is actually enlightened, he wouldn't want praise.



I don't pay attention to usernames unless someone says "username checks out."

In case you were wondering, I'm an Army medical doctor and my best friend is a high functioning sociopath.



I would name an Italian restaurant "Spaghettaboudit."

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'Bomb', if pronounced like 'tomb', provides a more accurate description of a bombs function.

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Guys who think girls don't notice when they are nice, are probably ONLY nice to girls they think are pretty.

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Is it a good idea for Jesus to take the wheel? There is no way he knows how to drive.

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Somehow I can read random stuff on reddit for hours, but when I try to read a best selling novel by a real author I get bored after just a couple minutes

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You'll never meet the loneliest person in the world

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Why do citizens of Gotham never get fed up with the bullshit and leave?

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The Star Wars subreddit should be /r/2d2.

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The fact that there's a Highway to Hell and only a Stairway to Heaven says a lot about the expected traffic.

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What if Jesus just went in to a coma then woke up 3 days later. Giving the appearance that he resurrected.

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Growing up, I assumed lightning strikes were gonna be a much larger threat.

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If you expect something in return for being a nice person, you aren’t a nice person.

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I wonder how many of the grumpy people you see at the airport are just pissed off because they have drugs jammed up their assholes.

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It would be really interesting for vegetarians if scientists suddenly discovered plants could feel pain or had feelings.

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"Reckless Driving" is the opposite of "Wreckless Driving"

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Google self-driving car should have an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.

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The reason Patrick is so clueless is because he lives under a rock.

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The longest time most of us spend without masturbating starts when we're born and ends when we masturbate for the first time

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"I'm trying to save money and lose weight." is code for "Nothing I do is fun."

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The only reason why I use Facebook nowadays is to use it to login to another website

Poor Mark



Phone numbers in movies should be real numbers that just play commercials for upcoming movies by the same studio

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When I eat mini M&M's, I imagine it's just like when Shaq eats regular M&M's.

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As a non-American, watching American TV I don't even notice their accent, but in real life the exact same accent is extremely noticeable.

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Every time I think "Tyler Durden" I picture Brad Pitt, but in actuality I should be picturing Edward Norton.

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Instead of "you are not connected to the internet", laptops should really say "i am not connected to the internet"

I'm sick of my laptop telling me i'm not connected to the internet when he's the one with the problem.



Shakespeare is a genius for creating his own words, but when I do it on my English class essays, I'm a dumbass

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Any amount of Oxygen is a lifetime supply of Oxygen

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Saturday, March 26, 2016

Kim K has 64mil Insta followers and gets approx 1mil likes per post. If you have 100 followers, and get 2 likes per post you're getting a higher percentage of likes than she is.

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It took me 28 years to realize that the triceratops' name in Land Before Time is Cera, not Sarah. It all makes sense now.

I always assumed it must have been some kind of nepotism for someone's daughter since the other names were all so much more literal.

This has been a big day for me.



I wonder if I've ever had a lucky pair of underwear, but didn't realize..

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When i am being kind to a small animal, in the back of mind i feel like a big, friendly giant.

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One day kids will use a YouTube video to figure out how to mail a letter

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Starbucks should have a regular coffee line and a complicated ass order line

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In cartoons, especially Tom and Jerry, the mouse live in a hole in the wall. I've never seen this kind of hole in real life.

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I wonder if trees are allergic to our sperm too.

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The phrase "potato potato, tomato tomato" is really fucking dumb when you spell it out.

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When you're fat, everyday is leg day.

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50% of Roger Federer's name is "er"

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Skipping any links that are videos instead of gifs brings me to a whole new level of laziness that I never knew existed.

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North Korea is getting really good at 'Boy who cried wolf' diplomacy. The day it actually nukes Seoul, no one will believe it.

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"You can say that again!" and "You don't have to tell me twice!" are opposites but mean the same thing.

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Every time one of my relatives (mostly Grandma) try to convince me to have kids, they're literally rooting for me to come inside a girl.

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Will Ferrell should star in an comedy where he and three other comedians are members of a washed-up Boy Band past their prime.

Consider it Ron Burgundy or Step Brothers meets Spinal Tap. Are you kidding me?! Comedy gold!!!



The difference between being cute and creepy is directly correlated with how attractive you are to the other person.

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I want an open world RPG where you play as a homeless person in a large city, surviving and creating off minimal resources, Skyrim-style.

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If you swapped Frank Underwood and Michael Scott (but changed nothing else about "House of Cards" or "The Office"), it'd make for some of the best television ever.

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Saying a movie has a "twist ending" is still a spoiler.

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Isn't It weird that the ancient greeks were the inventors of democracy but they believed that their gods were ruled by a monarchy?

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Why are the words "shampoo" and "conditioner" the hardest ones to find on the bottle?

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I swear I came up with 'the floor is lava' game but apparently so did everyone else.

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Friday, March 25, 2016

If I were immortal, I would have to be extra careful not to get trapped somewhere with no way to get out.

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Whenever I yell at my dog to stop barking, he probably thinks "Awesome now we're both barking".

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I wonder who the lucky caveman was who got the world's first blowjob.

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Samuel L Jackson killed a bounty hunter named Jango in Star Wars and got killed by a bounty hunter named Django in Django Unchained

[Spoiler alert]



If we mount garbage trucks with cameras, we could update Google Maps street view on a weekly basis.

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Batman would be a better name for a hero who 'sees' through echolocation. And Daredevil would be a better name for a billionaire who fights criminals in his free time.

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If Deadpool was decapitaed. Would his head grow a new body or body grew a new head?

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It seems every time a photo slowly loads from top to bottom, the only piece you wanted to see was at the bottom.

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Either I'm getting older or the guy on the Quaker Oats box looks younger than he used to.

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My cat makes the same noise every time he's trying to get my attention. Maybe he thinks that's my name...

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When a famous person dies, does Wikipedia just click a 'dead' button which changes all the words "is" to "was"?

Probably asks for a date too....



I would much rather watch Gandalf vs Dumbledore than Batman vs Superman

Please someone in Hollywood read this



In the event of an apocalypse I would spend the first 20 minutes wondering why the internet doesn't work

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If I had a clone I wouldn't want to be friends with him because of his voice

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Being rich and famous is like having cheats enabled in a game. It's exhilarating and fun for a bit, then you get bored, do crazier and crazier things and soon you stop playing.

The most addictive and long lasting games are those that make steady progress with some built-in randomness.



Car horn sounds should be prohibited in radio songs and commercials

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You don't know your birthdate until someone tells you

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People throw money into a fountain while wishing for more money.

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I hate when the doctor leaves me for an excessive amount of time to take my clothes off. I'm an adult. I have sex. I could get these clothes off in seconds and save us both a lot of time.

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Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.

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I wish Boxing was allowed at the Special Olympics

I realise that it's too dangerous, but I imagine ratings would increase substantially.



Never in my entire life have I been naked for 24 hours straight...

Probably not even 4-5 hours.... that needs to change



I am almost 100% more likely to click on a gif than I am a youtube video

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Thursday, March 24, 2016

Jumping in video games seems to be a necessary form of movement, yet in real life we rarely, if ever, jump on a daily basis

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Clark Kent could have been a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.

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Hipsters, in their effort to not succumb to conformity, end up being one of the most generalized groups ever.

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As far as my dog knows, all doors are automatic and the elevator in my building is a trans-dimensional gateway device

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When I was young, I was terrified of ending up middle-aged and alone. Now I am and it's fucking awesome!

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My life seems to be going pretty well. After all, I have just as many tour-de-france medals as Lance Armstrong and twice as many testicles.

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Redditors seem decently informed until you stumble upon a thread you actually know something about

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Since most of Bruce Wayne's wealth is probably tied up in his company, he's really screwing over the shareholders of Wayne Enterprises by embezzling millions of dollars for Batman purposes.

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When restaurant staff sing "Happy Birthday" and embarrass you in public, they are effectively deterring people from asking for free birthday food.

I once went on a trek around my city for my birthday trying to get as much free food as possible. Only one place did not sing to me. It's the only place I go back to on my birthdays.



Menstruation is essentially like organizing a party without inviting any guests, and then angrily throwing out all the decoration when no one shows up.

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If I spent my Reddit time reading something useful instead, I could probably be an expert in something genuinely beneficial to my life by now.

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Someday unicorns will exist because a doting father and Bio-engineer will create them soon after his daughter begs for one for her birthday.

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Sure, passcodes for our phones are great against people who might steal our phones, but the real reason we use passcodes is to keep our family members or other close friends out.

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I have never seen or a met a female "Jr"

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Picking / downloading a cool new ringtone for my cellphone was the most important part of getting a new phone when I got my first few phones. Now I can't remember the last time my phone wasn't on silent.

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My wife has figured out if she cooks dinner she doesn't have to do dishes. I've figured out that if I do dishes I don't have to cook.

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If there was a first person Daredevil video game it probably wouldn't sell very well.

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When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you then become a vacuum cleaner.

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Only on reddit can someone take serious legal advice from someone under the name SretchedAnus77

Edit: I now realize my fuck up and I can only hope for an un-sretched anus.



Wednesday, March 23, 2016

There are some people who will forever be 'it', due to the fact that they were the last person to be tagged, in the last game of tag they ever played

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As a girl, I have taken for granted my whole life that we can't get awkward boners

Thought about this while reading sexual fanfictions in public



The idiom "head over heels" describes a normal state of being.

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At some point, thanks to r/earthporn, we will have seen every sight there is to see in Norway.

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I just realized the reason I hate Facebook so much : it's the virtual version of that party your friends throw where "kids are welcome", and you end up sitting alone on the couch because everyone's talking about their kids and you don't give a fuck.

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Since Starbucks is giving all of its unsold food to the needy, then every person who doesn't buy food there is helping the needy.

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A person congratulating me on having a nice beard is a person saying, being lazy is really working out for your face.

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The Onion is fooling you the moment you see their logo because it's actually a depiction of a shallot

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Dating a girl as tall as you helps correct your body and neck posture.

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They say murdering small animals is an early warning sign of a serial killer. Luke Skywalker used to bullseye womp rats with his T-16 back home. There is something wrong in the Skywalker gene pool.

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My oven's lowest setting is 0°C but it doesn't become a fridge.

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Your belly button is like that circle on plastic toys where they filled the mould.

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As a student, $1000 is both almost no money at all, and yet so much money, at the same time.

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If you think about it, a plastic sword is a sword forged by the rotten flesh of ancient beasts

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Being a professor at Hogwarts sounds highly prestigious until you realize you're still just a high school/middle school teacher

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If one of the toys from Toy Story died, the kids wouldn't know. The other toys would have to watch them play with corpses.

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Now I that I'm older, I know why my parents' room was on the opposite side of the house from mine.

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Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

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Two people could be born at the exact same time, but have different birthdays because of different timezones

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The first human to watch the sun set probably thought to himself "This is not good."

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It's crazy that as a species we can transplant organs, build AI and travel to space but we can't all just get along

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If you make a killing you make a lot of money. If you make a living you make enough to get by.

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Female masturbation is more taboo than male masturbation; yet male sex toys are much more taboo than female ones.

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I wonder how many times i have been approached by a spy but got the key phrase wrong.

"excuse me sir do you have the time"

"time for you to get a watch!"

"Here is the package, you have 10 hours to secure the kill and make the drop"

"...shit"



I don't think I've ever used numbers 7-9 on my microwave.

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Does the square block in Tetris really turns when you click the button?

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Tuesday, March 22, 2016

I bet couples in the Harry Potter universe sometimes use polyjuice potion to turn into one another and have sex.

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If an hourly worker is involved in a hostage situation at work, do they get paid for being there? Does that make them a professional hostage?

Is that something they could list on a resume?



With 3D printing in a few years we'll feasibly be able to torrent a Lego set.

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We all walk around with 4K cameras in our pockets but every time there's a terrorist attack the surveillance footage was filmed by a potato

EDIT: What I'm referring to: http://ift.tt/1WG4tne



PornHub on mobile should have a "one-handed" mode.

Edit:

In this thread:
-Trump hands
-An app that detects the desire and shame in your eyes
-Side buttons for easier playback control
-A dickprint sensor to launch right into the good stuff



We are now so desensitized to terrorism that the Brussels attack is off the front page in less than 10 hours.

Major outlets barely even report the attacks outside of the West.



7.3 billion people are experiencing the same day in a different way.

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Every time my mother scrolls through facebook, she often stops scrolling to say something like "Wow" or "Unbelieveable" and expects someone to be interested. She is real life clickbait.

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Naming a dolphin "Flipper" is like naming your kid "Arm"

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Religion is like the world's longest game of "telephone'

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At some point we are all a villain in somebody's life.

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"you should learn to respect your elders" is the grown-up version of "well I'm bigger than you"

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I wonder if I’ll ever have to write Earth at the bottom of a postal address.

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There have been Four 'Fantastic Four' movies. None of which have been Fantastic.

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North Korea is like the weird kid at school that everyone makes fun of until one day they bring a gun.

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I can download a 1GB file from the other side of the world faster than I can transfer it to my USB stick.

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Amazon should have an incognito mode where I can make questionable/ embarrassing purchases and not have to worry about it showing up every time I log in.

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YouTube should take down every prank video and channel on April 1st, then put them back up again 24 hours later with a sign that simply says, "it's just a prank, bro."

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Teach a Parrot to say Parrot and you basically have a Pokémon

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The dog park is the only place on Earth where you can pick up girls with a steaming bag of shit in your hand.

The other day I had to put down a massive turd sack to get this girls number.

Also I am a very emotive talker, lots of hand gestures and such. I have to watch that because if I don't I end up waving a bag of dog dump around in the air to make my point.



If my last name was Pepper, I would feel inclined to complete a doctorates degree.

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North Korea probably has some of the best star gazing in the world.

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The star wars films are set mainly in outer space yet they've never once shown a zero gravity scene.

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Your water purifier being broken is both a first-world problem and a third-world problem.

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Monday, March 21, 2016

I find it slightly saddening that two friends could never attend each other's funerals.

Edit: Thanks Lauren for the thought. (:



I would rather work 10 hours day Mon-Thurs and get three day weekends

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As a procrastinator, sometimes I wish I never found out about Reddit.

Just like with Youtube, there is an infinite amount of things you can look at when you're stalling. This is the 8th week in a row where I wasted my weekend procrastinating on Reddit instead of doing my college assignments smh.



I wonder what I am taking for granted right now, that will be the next thing taken away from me, that I will miss.

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There are parents that were born in the year 2000

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On my days off, rather than sleeping past the time I'd normally have to get up, I get much more enjoyment waking up at the same time and just laying around.

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I think Mad Max would have avoided a lot of trouble over several movies had he just invested in a sand colored tarp to cover his car.

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Now that I'm older I spend a lot of time calling people out on bullshit/stolen posts, and reporting posts that break the rules. I'm turning into the internet version of an old man yelling at kids to get off their lawn.

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Moonshine sounds more like the name of a Care Bear than a high-proof alcohol.

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Facebook is a time machine. It takes me to reddit 3 days ago

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When sand is dry, it behaves like a liquid. When it is wet, it behaves more like a solid.

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Saying "Your worst enemy" makes it sound like your enemy is doing a terrible job at being your enemy.

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Europeans may have introduced Smallpox and decimated Native Americans, but Native Americans introduced Europeans to tobacco, killing many more over the subsequent 500 years. Well played, Natives.

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Peter Parker was making a living off selfies decades before sefies became a thing

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In certain parts of the country, it's acceptable to carry a gun in public. Swords are still out of the question.

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This isn't NSFW but will be flagged as such because bots don't understand double negatives.

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It took me way too long to see the connection between the name of *Ecuador* and the word *equator*.

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Child labor is forbidden unless you're a singer or actor

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It's okay to say "yes" and "yeah" during sex, but not "yep"

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I'm glad the body and blood of Christ is bread and wine, instead of something gross like Lemon juice and eggplant.

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Women shouldn't be quick to call a guy ugly. Men don't wear makeup to cover their flaws.

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Sunday, March 20, 2016

"... while you were sleeping..." is either the cutest or creepiest thing you can say to someone.

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The students in Harry Potter need permission from their parents to go to hogsmead but not to play the incredibly dangerous game of quidditch

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The NSFW tag doesn't change if I view a post at work, just the angle I hold my phone when I view it.

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Facebook needs a verified untrue button. When enough people click it, the viral photo or story with completely false information vanishes.

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Bathtubs are the opposite of boats.

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I'd like a subreddit where everyone with the username "PM_ME_YOUR_(stuff)" post everything they get PM'd.

Obviously privacy concerns make it unlikely, but you have to wonder what's hiding out there.



I wonder if any of the seafood I ate have crossed paths with each other in the ocean while they were alive.

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Optometrists should make their in-store sale signs in a blurry font on purpose.

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There must be a grace period when identical twins are born before their individual names actually stick. I wonder how many are living under their siblings birth name.

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Drink driving offenders should have compulsory shame tags on their cars as a punishment and so everyone would know to be extra wary driving near them.

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Breaking Bad could have aired in the year 2000. Walter White never once uses a computer, Jesse Pinkman uses a flip phone, and videos are shared between characters through DVDs.

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The most average person in the world has above average averageness.

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Sometimes I have trouble spelling a word close enough for spell check to correct it

I used spell check to correct the post...



"The Netherlands" sounds more like the name of a fictional fantasy-novel country than a real place.

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I like how "as fuck" is a common unit of measurement.

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I sure am glad that I don't have a scat fetish. Life is complicated enough without trying to find someone who likes pooping on me.

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They should make a movie where the main character has multiple personalities. His internal monologue is narrated by Morgan Freeman when he's good, and Samuel L. Jackson when he's bad.

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When I want to have a document forever, I scan it into the computer. When my parents want to have a document forever, they print it out.

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Sponges are weird. They're artificial now, but in the past people would pluck animals out of the ocean and use them to wash dishes and stuff. That seems like something you'd do in the Flintstones.



Saturday, March 19, 2016

The person who named the fear of long words hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia probably liked drowning his sims in pools

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I wonder what constellation we are part of, for some alien civilization

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The first two people who mistook Superman as a bird or a plane.. What were they so excited about?

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The first professor never went to college.

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No one has ever done anything that is impossible...

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If someone killed me, I would be murdered. However, if I were famous, I would be assassinated.

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According to the tv show The Jetsons George Jetson was born in 2022 ... 6 years from now. Rosie the Robot will be built 1 years from now. Mr. Spacely, George's boss, would already be with us as a 22 year old - Mr Spacely is a millenial !

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In the USA, it's 100x cheaper to take an Uber to the hospital instead of an ambulance.

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I would love to watch a Romcom where the fiancé is a great guy, the deadbeat guy who tries to steal the girl away is just a dead beat, she doesn't cheat on her fiancé, the wedding goes well, and they live happily ever after.

What a great movie that would be.

A good relationship, a douchebag trying and failing to break them up, a happy wedding, the groom to be doesn't suddenly become a horrible person halfway though the film. I'd watch that



If Will Smith wins an Oscar next year people will say it's because his wife protested. If he doesn't win an Oscar people will say it's because his wife protested. Either way he will never again receive full credit for his acting.

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After watching 'Toy Story' as a chid, I used to feel guilty when I played with some toys more than others

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Hundreds of people put thousands of hours of work into a project, just for me to watch two minutes of it on Netflix then say "Ugh, nevermind."

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V, The Roman numeral for 5, is the top half of X, the Roman numeral for 10.

I'm 23 and just now realizing this...



Caffeine is the only drug I'm addicted to, but my nation's drug policy tries to convince me that my occasional use of marijuana and LSD are the real problem.

I live in the US. Drink a cup o' coffee and get back to work, slacker!



Caps on liquor bottles should be able to hold one shots worth of liquid. That way you don't need a shot glass to measure.

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AdBlockPlus should add a "how much ad revenue you've taken" stat

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When my 5-year-old and I play robots, I use a jerky, monotone voice which is completely UNLIKE the voices of the many robots and computers she regularly talks to.

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Telling someone: "why are you depressed, look at how great your life is." Is the same as saying, "What do you mean you have asthma, Look at all this air."

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The word 'short' is longer than the word 'long'

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One day in the future going to the moon will become that boring science class field trip that everybody has to take in high school.

See title



When VR porn comes out, getting caught masturbating is about to get way more embarrassing.

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Being told over and over to "stay in school" is the only reason it ever occurred to me that I could choose not to stay in school.

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Teen movies used to take place in and around a high school setting; now they're all set in dystopian futures.

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If I was a pornstar, I'd be pretty god damn salty that Kim Kardashian is number #1 on Pornhub

Those ladies did all that hard work to reach the top of their profession.

It would be better if she actually did something good in the sextape, but all she does is perform second rate oral and then go into starfish mode.



Friday, March 18, 2016

I am willing to binge-watch an entire new season in one sitting on Netflix, yet I don't want to sit down and watch a 2-hour movie because it's "too long"

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The odds of your next hearbeat being the last go up with every heartbeat.

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When my phone battery is at 50%, the half full vs. half empty view depends on if it's plugged in or not.

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What if instead of buying plastic bottles for shampoo, conditioner and body wash, we had refillable containers and there were dispensers for each brand at supermarkets/convenient stores.

edit: I had no idea this actually happened elsewhere (I live in NJ). To those saying it wouldn't work, most of your reasons aren't good enough reasons to use so much plastic. But hey, just a thought.



Facetiously has every vowel in it. In order.

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I wonder how many times locking your door has actually been neccesary

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my penis has never touched the ceiling.

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Your future self is desperately wishing you would do something right now.

Taking into account all the things you wish you would have known when you were younger, what is your future self wishing you would do?



Blind people must save a lot on electricity.

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The only thing worse than having nobody show up to a party is having one person show up to a party.

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As a Canadian, one of the depressing things about winter coming to an end is my balcony is no longer an extension of my fridge or freezer.

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It should be possible to kill a werewolf with chocolate

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Not hiring someone because they've been unemployed is like not dating someone because they've been single.

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From the mouth of my 8 year old son: "When you think about the future, your mind is time traveling."

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North Korea and China are like friends that used to do lots of drugs together, but China has cleaned up a lot and really doesn't know what to do about his still-tweaking friend.

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Maybe Kim Jong-un just really hates the bodies of water around his country.

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Reddit contains things I care about from people I don't care about. Facebook contains things I don't care about from people I care about.

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If our criminal justice system worked properly then ex-convicts would not be regarded as "dangerous" or "unqualified to work" instead as enlightened members of society who have learned an important life lesson

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Wrestling is a sport where two men with no pants fight for a belt.

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Thursday, March 17, 2016

The phrase "This place makes me want to kill myself" would probably be a compliment to a funeral director showing off his coffins.

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Spiders are the only web developer delighted when they end up with bugs.

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If Achilles' mom had double-dipped, Achilles would have been fully invincible.

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Harry Potter is quite literally the shittiest wizard to ever exist. In every battle he has never once won by his own skill or power but through someone else intervening or his mother's love.

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I often wish I could remove my view from a youtube video, for when simply downvoting seems inadequate.

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Citizens should be able to sue Senators and Representatives for the return of tax dollars spent on drafting, debating, and voting on legislation for laws that are clearly unconstitutional.

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1-3 and 1,2,3 have the same sound and meaning.

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Men hating homosexual men makes no sense. More gay men means more girls for me.

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I wonder how many people thought I was incredibly attractive but never told me. I would probably feel a lot better about myself.

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"Eat shit and die." is a crude way to tell someone to fuck off, while "Eat, shit, and die." is a crude proverb of a human's life.

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My Catholic schoolteachers always told me abstinence was the only 100% effective form of birth control. But that didn't work well for Joseph and Mary

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Being born wealthy is like getting an RPG video game with a preexisting save file that has already beaten the game and has all the best armor and weapons.

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The weatherman can't dress up for St. Patrick's Day.

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When you procrastinate you're basically telling your future self, "Fuck you, you do it"

I hate my past self so much. He's such an asshole.



"The Bachelor" is a show about a man dating multiple women at once that is primarily watched by women who hate men who date multiple women at once.

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People named Frank should say, "let me be frank with you," more often.

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I wish the first rule of Crossfit was the same as Fight Club.

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There should be an apologetic car horn so when you fuck up in traffic you can say sorry without upsetting the other driver even more.

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Apple should rehash their famous "1984" commercial to gain public support for keeping people's encrypted phones secure.

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Heavy metal poisoning sounds a lot more fun than it really is.

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Video games are just really intense thumb wars.

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I bet all those teachers who told me I need to learn high number multiplication and division because I won't always have a calculator on me are feeling pretty foolish these days.

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As a kid, I had nightmares about monsters. As an adult, I have nightmares about running late for work. My adult nightmares scare me more now than my kid nightmares did back then.

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Luke Skywalker still never picked up those power convertors at Tosche Station.

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What if I'm always being recorded for a 24-hour reality TV-show, just like the Truman show, and that one episode where I watched "The Truman Show" was absolutely one of my funniest episodes to my audience?

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I've probably gone to the gym more times in pokemon than I have in real life.

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Wednesday, March 16, 2016

I want to live my life in such a way that I'll end up in a Google Doodle.

I'm hoping for a cute HTML5 animation showing how much Cheetos I ate.



In the Lion King when simba sings "I just can't wait to be king" he's just singing about "I just can't wait for my dad to die."

I can't listen to the song without thinking about what he is really saying



If an 18-Wheeler is a semi-truck, then what in the fuck is a full truck

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A baby is initially in water (womb), then comes to land (born), then crawls on the body, then walks on four feet, then stands up and walks on two feet. Just like the evolution from fish to reptiles to mammals to humans.

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Ethics is a concept that should really be introduced in elementary school, not college.

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When I Google an average word to be sure of its precise definition before posting on the internet, I wonder if the CIA thinks, "this guy is a real simpleton".

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Building a tree house is the worst insult. It's like here, I killed your cousin, hold him

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If Sir Mix-A-Lot was lying about liking big butts, it would be one of the greatest frauds in music history...

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The shapes created by swiping a word on a cellphone keyboard could become a new written form in which that shape represents that word.

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Ten-year-old me thought having all 50 of the US state quarters would be much cooler than it actually was.

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If you watch porn on the International Space Station will there still be women who want anonymous sex just a few miles away?

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Deadpool should narrate the Honest Trailer for his movie

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When I get an inbox notification, I wonder who I pissed off. When I don't get any inbox notifications, I'm sad that Reddit is ignoring me.

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When my mom used to say "shut the door, are you trying to heat up the whole world?" She was right. I caused global warming.

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Someone who studies atoms is just a bunch of atoms trying to understand themselves.

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Everytime I see a little kid walking around in their karate gi, I think to myself I could probably still beat the shit out of that child if I wanted to.

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The sentence "if you type in google "ugly" your face shows up" is true for some people

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Google should come out with a digital display wall calendar to replace the paper calendar, which could sync with your existing Google calendar app, display the upcoming weather forecast, moon and sun schedule, etc.

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My dog probably has no idea what my name is.

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Maybe aliens brought religion to earth 10,000 years ago to combat science so we wouldn't destroy our planet with technology, the way they did.

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If you aren't at least a little ashamed of your country's history, you don't know your country's history.

... regardless of where you are from.

Edited to add, a number of people are confusing 'ashamed' with 'personally ashamed'. I'm not suggesting we are responsible for the actions of others before our lifetimes.



Kim Kardashian would get a lot less attention if people stopped wondering why she gets attention.

I realize all too late, I am part of the problem.



If the zombie apocalypse were to break out with the way the world is, there would probably be zombie rights activists.

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Paying $8.99 a month for Netflix, a service I use everyday, seems excessive, despite having just paid $12.99 for a foot-long steak and cheese sub, because it looked tasty.

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Perfume commercials are so odd because they have to advertise a smell without using smells

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The change machine gives you the best odds of any machine in the casino

This one hit me in the shower of the Venetian in Las Vegas.



A broken vacuum can still collect dust and dirt.

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Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Life is literally just about finding ways to release dopamine and serotonin into our systems.

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When I think of a '20 year old game console' I think of the NES and Atari 2600. In fact, in 4 years (2020), the Playstation 2 will be 20 years old

And the Nintendo 64 turns 20 this year, happy ca-kay day!



For a company named after a rainforest, Amazon sure does use a lot of cardboard.

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Superman could probably be more effective in saving the world by offering himself as the ultimate source of renewable energy.

I'm thinking giant hamster wheel generator or maybe steam turbine with water heated by the lasers/solar energy punched out by his eyeballs.



Nobody ever has inconspicuous or random sneezes in movies.

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I would rather sit through a 2 minute GIF than a 30 second YouTube video

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When I drive to work, i'm paying to get to work to earn the money to pay to get to work.

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Red bull should do a givaway contest with buffalo wild wings (or the like) so red bull can give you wings.

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I browse Facebook for low quality posts from friends, and Reddit for high quality posts from strangers.

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What if your life flashing before your eyes is actually your brain going through your history to see if there is a way to keep you alive.

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Hot coffee, amazing. Iced coffee, perfection. Lukewarm coffee, piss water.

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IMDB should have a "can be confused for" section for actors.

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Even Pokemon get free healthcare :(

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I want to see a movie where machines gain intelligence and go to war with humanity, only to be defeated when some guy deletes a single semi-colon from their code.

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Why do people I meet feel the need to tell me about a Japanese roommate or Chinese girlfriend they once had in college just because I'm Korean? I should just reply by telling them about an Irish prostitute I once had.

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Somewhere in the galaxy, your childhood is still currently visible. Your past self still exists, traveling through space at the speed of light.

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If you try to hammer a nail in but miss and hit the tip of your finger, you're still technically hitting a nail.

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Futurama is the only show where the highest rated episodes are the ones I least want to watch due to the feels.

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Despite the fact that the Wii came out almost ten years ago, I still think of it as being a relatively new console.

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I am both pro and anti gun. I think it would be really cool to have a gun. But I don't wanna live in a world where I guy like me can have a gun.

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There should be a class in high school where they teach you all the weird shit your body does that is actually completely normal and harmless so that's one less thing we have to worry about while trying to adult.

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More actors should do AMAs in character when promoting a movie.

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Getting a joke top comment is the internet equivalent of making your whole classroom laugh

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I trust my bank with my life and they don't even trust me with a pen.

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I can't remember a single product I've seen advertised on Youtube. Not one. My brain registers the ad as an impediment to what it wants and immediately shifts my focus to something else until it's over.

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Monday, March 14, 2016

Maybe I should start a Science version of Jehova's Witnesses and go door to door teaching people about science.

FYI...I'm all for people's right to believe whatever brings them peace, and contentment. I'm all for everyone's right to worship as they see fit.

But I was listening to a podcast of my favorite radio show while in the shower, and they were talking about Jehova's witnesses, and what it must be like to have the door shut in your face so much.

And I thought..."huh...I could go door to door teaching people about science, asking them things like 'well, what has religion done for your comprehension of how the world works?'" and give them pamphlets to phys.org or something.

Silly but part of me still wonders if this would work.



If there were people who could read minds, they would hear an awful lot of songs, sung with incorrect words, and likely very out of tune or rhythm.

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The most unrealistic aspect of Spongebob Squarepants is that Spongebob and Squidward both work in fast food, yet are both homeowners with one job and lots of leisure time.

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Being a one-hit wonder is bad if you're a musician, but good if you're a boxer.

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Unless you're a celebrity, Twitter is like talking to yourself in a crowded room.

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In light of 50 Cent's recent attempts to keep his fortune intact, he should call his next album 'Stay Rich or Die Tryin''

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Mitt Romney is like the villain in season 1 that was defeated by the main hero and is now returned in season 2 as the Antihero on the good guy's team to help defeat the real villain

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If time is money, then taking out a loan is a form of time travel.

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Spiders are the only web developers that are happy to find bugs

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The phrase "so easy a kid could do it" doest really apply to technology. For technology its more like "so easy grandma could do it"

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If you round Pi, its no longer truly round.

Rounding pi to 3.1416 means its not the distance around a circle divided by the distance across the circle anymore, thus losing its true roundness.

Edit: Also, happy pi day everyone



At any given moment it is entirely possible that I have already triggered the chain of events that ultimately leads to my death.

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I have never seen a Starbucks commercial of any kind.

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Ted Cruz starts his rallies by saying "Allahu Akbar" in another language.

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Five months ago, I was ecstatic when gas went below $2/gallon to $1.90/gallon. Now I am pissed that it went from $1.70/gallon to $1.90/gallon

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Deadpool is pretty much a comedy movie, with action-relief.

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For daylight savings, we should move the clocks forward an hour on Monday at 9 AM so that we lose an hour of work instead of sleep.

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It's amazing how "It's The Shit" and "It's Shit" have opposite meanings, and a simple "The" changes Shit to mean good from bad.

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I always avoid the 'Ad' links when Google searching, even when that is the link that I want.

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Being the father of a porn star has got to be like Russian roulette every time you open a porn site

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Jail isn't supposed to be fun why do they get bunk beds?

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When I was little, I would be pissed that I had to go to bed when the sun was still out. Now that I'm an adult, I'm pissed that the sun is still out when I want to go to bed.

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Some poor motherfucker with a timed coffee machine woke up to cold coffee today because of Daylight Savings.

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"Waterworld" (1995) and "Mad Max: Fury Road" (2015) are the exact same movie with the complete opposite setting.

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My best friends in school were the ones I sat near due to alphabetized seating. If I had a different last name, I would have had different friends.

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Spiders are the only type of web developers that are happy to find bugs.

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Stan Lee should be 3D-scanned, so he can have cameos for eternity

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What if every country has ninjas, but we only know about the Japanese ones because they're rubbish?

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By doing nice things you are creating "good luck" for other people

For example, if you leave a dollar in a fence and later someone who needs a dollar sees it and takes it, that becomes good luck for them.



Sunday, March 13, 2016

If we can breed wolves down to Chihuahuas, I'm sure we can breed lizards back to T-Rex

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You know it's time to check your bank account when you're too afraid to check your bank account.

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There's an instagram account using everyone's posts without crediting them

IG: showerthoughtdaily. Is everyone okay with this? They have never credited reddit as a platform or any of the individual users. They just take the top post at the time and post it as their own original idea.



I bet attractive people think the world is a lot kinder than it actually is.

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Mentos should print little messages on their mints like "You're Awesome" or "Looking Good", and call them "Complimentos"...

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With how many redditors there are, I am always surprised how many people don't know what Reddit is when I mention it in real life

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I would never ever willingly let a bug crawl on my hand... unless it's a ladybug. It's the same exact make up as every other gross beetle, it just has a red coat on and somehow my brain is convinced that it's cute.

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Google should tell you if you're the first person to ever Google something

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When I see blue jeans, I don't see them as "blue". I just see then as jeans, a neutral pair of pants that can go with darn near anything.

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I really need a day in between Saturday and Sunday.

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We should gather up all YouTube "pranksters" and ship them off to their own island so they can just bother each other instead of innocent civilians.

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Wallets are just pockets that we put in our pockets.

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When I'm in a hurry every slow or easy going driver pisses me off. When I'm not in a hurry every aggressive driver pisses me off.

Either way I hate driving in the city.



Blankets don't make us warm, we make blankets warm.

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I hope they try out some more exotic options with lab grown meat, I would love to try panda or tiger meat

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Every single year, someone shows up an hour late for work when we set the clocks ahead an hour but I have never seen anyone show up an hour early to work when we move them back in the fall.

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When you lose a glove or shoe, there should be a place to donate the remaining glove or shoe to people with only one limb

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I think cops use saying the alphabet backwards as a sobriety test just to trick drunk people into saying "I can't even do that when I'm sober!"

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Putting "Pick up girls" in my calendar as a 35 year old father has a completely different meaning than it did 15 years ago.

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My proofreading abilities improve immeasurably the second I click Send or Submit.

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My dog sleeps in my bed more than I do. In his mind it's his bed and I sleep in it occasionally and I probably take up much room.

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Erect has a hard c, while flaccid has a soft c.

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Saturday, March 12, 2016

It's 2016 and we still haven't figured out a solution to that thing that happens when you try to call someone and they go to call you back but you're calling them at the same time and no one can get through

I mean when you call and they don't answer for whatever reason and you call again but they're trying to call you back at the same time. It can go on for an unreasonable amount of time



The only time I press the caps lock key intentionally, is to turn it off when I pressed it by accident.

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Dipping Dots started out as "The Ice Cream of the Future" and gradually became the nostalgic ice cram of my childhood

Dippin Dots started out as "The Ice Cream of the Future" and gradually became the nostalgic ice cream of my childhood



My dog is 12 years old. I should probably be saying "good man" rather than "good boy."

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When you step onto asphalt, you are standing on a nearly unbroken web which extends over almost the entire continent

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The Boston Tea party turned the entire ocean into a really, really weak cup of tea.

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I wonder how many times the members of Fleetwood Mac had to explain "no, HE is Lindsey and SHE is Stevie"

For context, Stevie Nicks the female lead singer, and Lindsey Buckingham the male guitarist.



If I'd have spent half the time that I've spent masturbating doing any one other thing, I'd be damn near an expert at it by now.

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There is a whole generation who will hear Bloodhound Gang's "The Bad Touch" and not understand what "do it like they do on the Discovery Channel" means.

Context is everything.



Ever since the day that I learned how to read, I don't think I've ever spent an entire day without reading anything.

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Animals that are caught, tagged and released must feel like they were abducted by aliens.

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I no longer need to know how to spell big words. I just need to get close enough.

Thanks spellcheck and predictive typing



I'm not anti-social, I'm pro mind your own damn business.

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People dismiss alien abductions as unrealistic but if we were able to go to a planet with life we totally would take some of those aliens and research them.

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As a kid, falling asleep and being carried to bed by your dad was the best thing. As a father, carrying your sleeping kid to bed is the best thing.

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Whoever thought of the word 'vet' missed the opportunity to call it a 'dogtor'

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I'm an orphan who is single; every picture of me is a family portrait.

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Once cell phones became prevalent, water balloons went from being mostly harmless to fairly detrimental.

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Gay sex is literally twice as manly as straight sex

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Friday, March 11, 2016

We make fun of Twitter being 140 chars, but most of Reddit only reads the title anyway.

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I wonder if Batman misses the old days where his biggest concerns were stopping a mob turf war or rescuing a kidnapped child? Not fighting aliens alongside aliens to save other alien worlds

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Right now, from a far enough distance, the earth can be observed with dinosaurs roaming the planet.

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Defibrillators are the medical version of "Have you tried turning it off and on again?"

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My life is extremely similar to Rihanna's song, just work work work, and the rest of it I can't really understand.

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If Steven Avery ends up freed due to Making A Murderer, it'll be the first time Netflix ever led to anyone spending more time outdoors.

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Theres 7 billion people in the world. If I can convince half of them to give me 1c I will have 35 million dollars.

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When browsing in incognito mode, Google should autofill your search results with all the dirty and nsfw results it refuses to do in normal mode.

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Car horns should only be allowed to be in pitches C, E, and G, so whenever two people honk at the same time it will be in harmony and traffic jams will sound like symphonies.

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I've seen them sell weed brownies. But I've never heard of people selling pot-pie.

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An acquired taste is just stockholm syndrome for foods.

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I went from being an awkward teen who thought nobody wanted to talk to him, to a cynical adult who hopes nobody wants to talk to him.

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Pulling out an earbud when someone enters the room is the 21st century's ultimate sign of respect.

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As a child, I couldn't believe adults knew so much. As an adult, I can't believe adults know so little.

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Emoticons sound like a group of sensitive transformers.

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You have stayed up to late when the Reddit front page has nothing new the following morning.

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We go to coffee shops to drink coffee (a stimulant) to focus and expect a quiet atmosphere, and we go to taverns and bars to drink alcohol (a depressant) to socialize and expect a loud atmosphere.

Humans, man.



In 25 years, when people ask if your car is manual or automatic, they'll be asking if your car drives itself.

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I have no way of knowing how many things I've forgotten that I said I'll never forget.

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If I won the lottery, I wouldn't tell anyone, just post a status saying I needed company or something and give money to any true friends who responded

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I would watch a gritty reboot of Captain Planet.

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Earth actually IS the center of the (observable) universe.

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Advice on Reddit would be worth a lot more if it came with the submitter's age

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I desire a GF/BF so that I can know one person besides my parents definitively cares about me.

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Thursday, March 10, 2016

If both arms were on one side of the body, T-shirts would be called F-shirts

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I'm not sure if it's a false memory, but I remember climbing across monkey bars without feeling like my arms were being torn from their sockets.

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I wonder how many drugs have failed animal testing, but would have worked in humans

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Why does the Price is Right have commercials if the whole show is basically advertising products?

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Subway should not have had such a catchy jingle about 5 dollar footlongs, because now their 6 dollar footlongs seem like a rip off....

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You aren't actually afraid of being left alone in your house, or in the forest; You're afraid that you AREN'T alone.

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I will one day flip through my kid's school history book and find it strange to have been alive during some of its chapters

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Eagles were/are a symbol of monarchies in Europe. America's symbol is a bald eagle, because it is a democracy and no one wears a crown.

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