Saturday, April 30, 2016
The first person to receive oral sex must have been very persuasive.
If you think about it. It sounds crazy to say outloud
My left hand is kind of like my right hand's disabled twin.
I wonder if homeless man's dog ever thinks "geez this is the longest walk ever".
My brother just told me this and had to share.
Friday, April 29, 2016
Chipotle doesn't use chipotle as an ingredient in anything on its menu
What's up with that.
If we could photosynthesize, tanning beds would be fast food.
On May 2, the anniversary of the first Loch Ness Monster sighting, Reddit Gold should be $3.50.
Edit: Thanks for the gold! Does this make me the Loch Ness Monster now?
Should I trust a pet shampoo that says it hasn't been tested on animals?
Does that mean my dogs are test subjects?
We are Canada's Mexico
Many of my friends talk about moving to Canada if Trump becomes President. Does this make USA the Mexico of Canada?
I wonder how many times I've said something in passing conversation that has stuck with someone for life
I was think about something a teacher said to me that i have never forgot and thinking she probably has no memory of the conversation at all
Thursday, April 28, 2016
The important thing is that bigfoot believes in himself
Marijuana will eventually let the US switch to the Metric System
After weed proliferates the US, everyone will be familiar with grams, kilograms etc. Then we can eventually start phasing out ounces and pounds without people complaining, and then eventually we can phase the entire Imperial System out.
The best way to ruin a moment is to try and capture it
If they're putting Harriet Tubman on the $20, they should put Rosa Parks on the MetroCard.
EDIT: For all non-New Yorkers, the MetroCard is a card used to take public transit (i.e., the subways and buses) in NYC.
James Bond doesn't seem to do much spying.
Pringles should develop a pez like dispensing can
I should be reimbursed for the data ads use.
My mom and dad raised a family at 21. I'm almost 21 and I don't even know how to drive.
They were doing adult stuff at my age while I still feel like I'm 11.
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
Dogs lick us because we have bones inside.
In the 1960s when I watched the Jetsons, I would not be surprised to hear that someday I would carry a small videophone with me. But if you told me I would hardly ever use it and instead would communicate by laboriously typing short messages on a tiny keyboard, I would think you were crazy.
Reddit comments seem smart and intelligent, until it is a subject I'm knowledgeable in.
At that point I am wondering who upvoted the dumbest comments straight to the top!
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
Gifs are just normal pictures in the Harry Potter Universe
Humans have a fear of aliens coming to Earth with superior technology and killing everyone but that's exactly what happened to the Native Americans.
Imagine having people and ships on your shores with guns and willing out everyone.
Being poor is really fucking expensive.
I still don't know which one is Key and which one is Peele
iPhone's "Recently Deleted" Album Should Require a Passcode
There's probably someone who loves the person you hate the most.
An airplane is just a big flying socio-economic segregated bus.
I excelled at Algebra, Calculus, and Trigonometry in high school and college... 20 years later and I've never used any of it once and can't remember 99% of it.
EDIT: You nerds fucking LOVE math.
I don't follow the "respect is earned" philosophy. I respect everyone automatically and then each person has the opportunity to lose my respect based on their behavior.
"respect is lost" doesn't quite have the same impact though, does it?
Is the moral of The Tortoise and the Hare, "slow and steady wins the race" or "cocky, lazy and napping loses the race?"
The Tortoise didn't win because he was "slow and steady..." he won because the Hare was an idiot and SLEPT IN THE MIDDLE OF A RACE. If he didn't take a nap, he would have totally beat the Tortoise.
Monday, April 25, 2016
Do you ever see a stranger in a random place and think "this is probably the only time I will ever see this person in my lifetime" and feel sad?
I get sentimental about strangers
If you sliced deadpool in half vertically down his body leaving equal halves, along with the right and left lobe of his brain on each side, would you get two deadpools when he regenerates?
I really want this to be answered.
My dog has cleaner water than 783 million people
Laughter is a fun word...until you put an 'S' infront of it.
My vacuum sucks whether it works or not.
The progress bar for 'safe to enter Chernobyl' hit 1% today.
It is said that it will take 3000 years for the city of Pripyat to be safe for humans again.
Today is the beginning of the thirtieth year.
I used to be the youngest person alive
Nabisco should make a sampler pack of every flavor of Oreos
Christianity is just Jewish fan fiction.
Sunday, April 24, 2016
I have never seen a frog sit on a lily pad.
I was led to believe as a child that this occured pretty frequently. Where do I go to see this.
Spider-man used to take selfies before they were cool.
Shouldn't it be the ceiling of your mouth and not the roof?
If I was small enough, my cat would probably try to kill me.
Saying "Don't tell me what to do." is really hypocritical.
Antarctica probably has the highest average IQ of any continent
(coz everyone there is a scientist)
Coffins are just fancy trash cans for people
Saturday, April 23, 2016
Maybe Jesse's Girl grew up to be Stacy's Mom.
Smoking a joint is essentially burning the evidence.
I wonder how many watches are still ticking in buried coffins.
Playing Mario gets me a lot more angry/violent than GTA ever will
I used to get frustrated at any Super Mario game because of the twitch gameplay skills it requires, but Grand Theft Auto is straight forward and very lenient in comparison. It seems the violence between the games has no comparison.
Edit: redundancy is redundant
I've never seen a handicapped person using a handicap stall
Funny how sentences starting by "Funny how" aren't funny at all
And rather involve a deeper reflexion on subject
If life is just one big dream then I probably peed the bed a lot
If someone kills in the name of god, He/She actually destroyed his creation to please him.
That's like an overly attached creation.
Telling a person they should feel guilty due to their 'privilege' due to race, sex, etc. is essentially a secular version of 'original sin'.
Making people out to be inherently bad due to simply being born a certain way is not any different than telling people that they are guilty of sin from simply being born.
Friday, April 22, 2016
Facebook is like a Pokedex for humans
Bad handwriting is like mumbling on paper.
Thursday, April 21, 2016
Does medusa have pubes and if do are they Also snakes?
Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy.
You probably have someone else's goal physique
The Titanic's swimming pool is still functional.
Now we get to call a $20 bill a "Tubby"
Since Harriett Tubman is on the new bills,
If you own zero dollars you are more rich than 80% of The USA.
No matter where you cut a snake it will always be decapitated.
What if Genies were real until somebody wished they weren't?
In the beginning of the first Harry Potter movie Ron tries a spell to make his rat yellow but it doesn't work. Not because it was a bogus spell or the fact that Ron is generally unskilled at magic but because his rat isn't really a rat at all.
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
This afternoon this sub is going to blow up.
If the good die young then why must we respect our elders?
The day is already 33% complete at 8:00 AM
can you cencor a female nipple with a male nipple?
if so, can you just photoshop a male nipple onto a female and will it be SFW?
Bags of pet food should come with a toy inside.
Drugged out 1960's rock legends are out living all the 1960's astronauts who were the best physical specimens our nation could find at the time.
I mean, 6 of the Mercury 7 are dead but we still have 5 of the 8 people who have been in the Rolling stones, and 50% of the Beetles are still with us.
I wonder if anyone in China ever jokes about digging to America.
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
If you're over 30 you were alive before every dog in the world.
Also every cat.
And every dog that was alive when you were born is now dead. This means there are no dogs left that were alive before 1986.
And if you are in your early thirties, every dog that is currently alive will most likely die before you do.
I bet art schools have the best bathroom graffiti
Considering that Anakin was educated at the Jedi Temple he was basically a school shooter.
... or, Slasher, I guess.
Where the Jedi Council is the preps or jocks or whatever that won't let him hang out with them.
In my teens I looked for girls who were virgins. Now that I'm older I look for women who aren't moms
I was raised very religious and I thought non-virgin girls were to be avoided. My attitude changed over time when it became hard to find a girl who was still a virgin. Now that I'm in my 20s I try to avoid single moms, but maybe someday when I'm older I will have to accept single moms too.
Smokers literally pay for cancer.
Pretty obvious thought.
Having a child is sentencing a human being to death.
Monday, April 18, 2016
Whenever I start to feel like I'm different or unique I come on Reddit and realize there are thousands of people just like me
This sounds more dramatic than I meant it. I don't see this as a bad thing... I see it as "there are plenty of people that could potentially be Turk to my J.D. In this world"
I can't look at a word without reading it
If anyone should be pro-marijuana, it's the snack food industry.
There is a spot in the middle of my back that has probably not been sufficiently washed for > 10 years.
Standard issue shower thought.
Netflix and chill will soon be Netflix and children.
It's crazy how there are infinite numbers between 0 and 1
Sunday, April 17, 2016
I wonder how many item features I don't know about because I have never read a instruction manual for anything.
I just found out the lamp I have owned for 5 years can spin the opposite way
A person from 150 years ago would be terrified by modern stuff. However, a duck from 150 years ago would just be all like, still got lakes? yes ? okay cool
A person from 150 years ago would be terrified by modern stuff. However, a duck from 150 years ago would just be all like, still got lakes? yes ? okay cool
if you had enough money, you could buy out facebook and just delete it
as in the entire website. imagine the mayhem.
In light of the recent Amber Alert, I wish they would follow up with a message/text that the kid was found safe.
I think this would help future Amber Alert's effectiveness .
The Cellphone has probably destroyed the alarm clock industry.
And a number of other industries. Home landlines.
Saturday, April 16, 2016
If you lived at 123 Fake St, no one would ever believe you.
The meaning of life can be found in a dictionary.
Shouldn't boat engines be rated in seahorsepower?
Programming is just witchcraft with technology
We use specific words and phrases to produce the desired result Usually done with like minded groups, but can be done solo Use of tools that no one else recognizes Can be seen as dangerous or a threat to the general public, mostly because they don't understand what we do
No one has ever been in an empty room.
I wonder if anybody masturbated to me.
If pennies cost 1.7 cents to make, why not hollow the center out like a 5-yen coin until the cost of materials is 1 cent?
not really philosophical or existential but I thought of it in a shower. I mean for whatever reason congress hasn't decided to stop producing this useless coin so why not change the design to not spend needless money?
Friday, April 15, 2016
Cows born in India basically won the life lottery
I wonder if the picture that will be used for my funeral has already been taken?
My apologies for the question mark.
Everything that SpongeBob cooks is technically boiled
MTV should now stand for Miscellaneous TV
Cannibals actually are what they eat
Probably one of few examples where the phrase is literal
Some memes are older than the kids browsing them
Thursday, April 14, 2016
People who decide not to have kids probably are the ones who should
Not a shower thought but a stuck in traffic one.
The speed of a clock's second hand is exactly 1 RPM.
Tesla's Autopilot Just made Getting a Road Blowjob Much Safer
When something is pickled, the word pickled is added onto the original food name. Except for cucumbers.
Pickled eggs, pickled onions, etc..
But pickled cucumbers are just.. Pickles.
What if cats want to sit on our keyboards because they think that we are massaging it the way we do when we pet them?
I could understand the thought...why not get under the rain of finger pokes...
Ever noticed how supervillains are always trying to change things and superheroes always try to resist the change?
Some of the changes are even arguably good! Or if a hero tries to cause a change he becomes a bad guy and other heroes try to stop him/her. Of course there are some exceptions every now and then (many times for the sake of retcon or origin stories)
One day, history students might need to memorise the most popular memes we used.
But only the dankest.
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
Any machine is a smoke machine if you use it wrongly.
A haiku consists of three stanzas that follow a pattern of 5/7/5. If you divide five by seven and then by five, you get 0.142857142857. This number, when read aloud, is a haiku.
Zero point one four
Two eight five seven one four
Two eight five seven
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
In my lifetime I will be the last person to die
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
Raisins should be marketed as 'grape jerky'
We milk a cow, and let the milk age to make cheese. Then we use the cheese to make our cow taste better.
Cheeseburgers mother fuckers!
If you care for a chicken, you are literally a chicken tender
The voice in my head is an exceptionally good singer
Monday, April 11, 2016
Naming new found land Newfoundland is pretty lazy.
I wonder if I've ever played against the same random person in two totally different online games without even knowing it
Like playing someone in LoL and then in Rocket League. Or the guy you invaded in Dark Souls just happens to be the guy you killed on your Minecraft server.
Parents who are friends with their kids literally made friends
Considering Plankton was able to create his wife Karen, who seems to have all the artificial intelligence of IBM'S Watson, he could have had a pretty promising career in computer science, yet he chose to manage a fast food restaurant.
As a scotch drinker, my favorite flavor of alcohol is wood.
Crime TV shows are the adult version of Blue's Clues
In the 24 hour clock, 24 hours is never displayed.
Sunday, April 10, 2016
Nothing is on fire, fire is on things.
Male unicorn genitalia should be referred to as "Majesticals".
Highschool wasn't about learning, it was about passing.
I just got my PhD from the same university that I got my bachelors. I then applied for a job as a part time lecturer at that same university but did not get hired. Their degrees aren't even good enough for a job at their own institution.
If you think about it pregnant women are body builders.
Thank for the enlightenment zbo.