Saturday, April 30, 2016

I seriously can't remember what I did when I was bored before I found Reddit

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Amazon has spoiled me to the point where anything over 2 days for shipping seems like an outrage.

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Knocking on the door of an introvert is like tapping on the glass of a fish tank

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If you wore the same as a middle ages Knight in a zombie apocalypse you'd be almost invincible.

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Why don't criminals in Gothom do their crimes on clear nights so there is nothing for the Bat signal to project on?

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The first person to receive oral sex must have been very persuasive.

If you think about it. It sounds crazy to say outloud



In 1000 years time, instead of people doing the robot, will robots do the human?

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r/creepy should continue to show up on your front page even after you've unsubscribed

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When I was younger, I used to spend all my time in my friends' bedrooms. Now I'm older, I'd feel really weird going into their bedrooms.

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I don't need to check Reddit every day - if I miss a popular post, I'll see it again in a few months.

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Fevers are just your body's way of trying to kill the disease with fire

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Old people complain about young people being too loud, but when you ask them a question they say they can't hear you.

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What we think smells like coffee is actually boogers and coffee. What we think smells like steak is steak and boogers. We smell boogers all day, every day, and we don't even know it. It's like a booger Matrix.

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Guns is another name for arms and arms is another name for guns.

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Being attracted to women or men who wear glasses is the one fetish for the disabled that is socially acceptable

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My left hand is kind of like my right hand's disabled twin.

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If Amazon starts delivering our groceries with drones, it will be the grown up version of our parents making helicopter noises and putting food in our mouths.

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Ice Cube went from "Fuck tha Police" to frequently portraying police in movies

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Even though genetics play a huge role in both, it's considered shallow to judge someone based on looks but fine to judge someone based on intelligence.

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Maybe Medusa was really really attractive and made men "turn to stone" ( ͡° ͜Ê– ͡°)

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"The Blood of Jesus" can either refer to deeply held religious values or an unfortunate accident with the gardener.

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"Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people." is a quote discussing people

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I wonder if homeless man's dog ever thinks "geez this is the longest walk ever".

My brother just told me this and had to share.



When DreamWorks runs out of ideas they should tell the story about the boy on the moon and how he got so much fishing line

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Kim Jong Un definitely sees his memes considering he's probably the only person in his country with full, unrestricted internet access.

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We will know when gay culture is fully accepted when rappers rap about their gay boyfriends.

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Friday, April 29, 2016

Chipotle doesn't use chipotle as an ingredient in anything on its menu

What's up with that.



As an Adult I think about running away way more then I ever did as a kid.

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Time is said to heal all wounds, but it also literally kills everyone and everything.

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My phone, remote, and even smoke detector can warn me of a low battery but my car doesn't have a fucking clue.

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If we could photosynthesize, tanning beds would be fast food.

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The difference between getting laid and getting laid off is getting off.

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If I was a musician, I would let Weird Al parody my song under the stipulation that I be somewhere in the music video, dressed up as a parody of Weird Al

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On May 2, the anniversary of the first Loch Ness Monster sighting, Reddit Gold should be $3.50.

Edit: Thanks for the gold! Does this make me the Loch Ness Monster now?



Who the fuck was "I" in the "Now that's what I call music" album series?

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Should I trust a pet shampoo that says it hasn't been tested on animals?

Does that mean my dogs are test subjects?



It would be really convenient if my eyes could use "Ctrl+f" to search for things.

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I'm pretty sure Earth and humanity is some alien's science project that he got an A on, and now we're just sitting in his room somewhere while he's at college

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The difference between sexual harassment and flirting is how attractive the other person finds you.

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We are Canada's Mexico

Many of my friends talk about moving to Canada if Trump becomes President. Does this make USA the Mexico of Canada?



You may have accidentally set a random, bizarre world record but didn't realize it

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Sending me a confirmation email when I've unsubscribed from your mailing list is like yelling "fine!" at the end of an argument.

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I wonder how many times I've said something in passing conversation that has stuck with someone for life

I was think about something a teacher said to me that i have never forgot and thinking she probably has no memory of the conversation at all



I want to see all of the world leaders play a game of Civilization 5

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Guns are just really complicated ways to throw rocks at each other.

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The only reason you're mad at your past self for procrastinating, is because you want to procrastinate now.

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If humanity was wiped out today there would still be bots posting on reddit.

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My chemistry textbook is just atoms trying to explain atoms to me.

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Thursday, April 28, 2016

The important thing is that bigfoot believes in himself

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Given that Deadpool is aware he is in a comic/movie, the best commentary track for the BluRay would be Deadpool watching his own movie.

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I wish i could somehow tell my dog that the food I'm eating would make him sick, instead of having him always just think I'm this big, selfish asshole

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Marijuana will eventually let the US switch to the Metric System

After weed proliferates the US, everyone will be familiar with grams, kilograms etc. Then we can eventually start phasing out ounces and pounds without people complaining, and then eventually we can phase the entire Imperial System out.



Nothing is worse than the people who say, "I wish they taught us meaningful things in high school like taxes or saving for retirement" Really? You think you were going to pay attention in tax class?

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They say it takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, but it takes even less to leave your face in an expressionless mask because you're dead inside.

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There should be a "PC Health Day", when everybody scans for viruses and updates their drivers

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A picture paints a thousand words yet the novel is better than the movie.

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The best way to ruin a moment is to try and capture it

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Condoms are one of the most environmentally friendly things invented by man. A single one has the potential to eliminate the carbon emissions of an entire human over the course of their lifetime.

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If they're putting Harriet Tubman on the $20, they should put Rosa Parks on the MetroCard.

EDIT: For all non-New Yorkers, the MetroCard is a card used to take public transit (i.e., the subways and buses) in NYC.

It looks like this.



Our preference for large breasts and muscular men is exactly what would happen if aliens were breeding us for milk and meat.

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Most women who keep their maiden names are just taking the names that their mothers took when they gave up their own maiden names.

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James Bond doesn't seem to do much spying.

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Pringles should develop a pez like dispensing can

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I should be reimbursed for the data ads use.

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My mom and dad raised a family at 21. I'm almost 21 and I don't even know how to drive.

They were doing adult stuff at my age while I still feel like I'm 11.



I am a millennial, yet I am constantly forced to sit through meetings where I am told what millennials like, want, need, etc. by non-millennials.

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The phrase "Your call is important to us" loses credibility when it's played on repeat for 45 minutes.

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Your eyes water when you yawn because you miss your bed and that makes you sad

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I wonder if the new Snowden movie will be leaked before it hits theaters.

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Wednesday, April 27, 2016

It's technically illegal to buy a child, yet "adoptions" require an exchange of money. So really, adoption is just the legal purchase of a baby.

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In a figurative context, the adjectives "blunt" and "to the point" have similar meanings, but in a literal context, they are exact opposites.

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Why should I attend someone's funeral, if they aren't going to attend mine?

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It's weird that nipples are the most "obscene" part of the boob when that's the part everyone has, while the part unique to women, the round squishy part, is pretty much fair game.

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If ads had like and dislike buttons, maybe companies would realize how annoying they were and make better ones.

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The exact opposite of a sphere (0 corners) would be infinite corners. Which would probably look like a sphere.

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I can't stand the sound of my recorded voice normally but I'm still confident that I can sing pretty well.

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In 15-30 years there's going to be a lot of posts from horrified teens about finding their parent's nudes online.

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As a programmer, I solve logic puzzles all day to get a paycheck at the end of the month. I am a CPU mining Bitcoins.

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Drug-resistant bacteria are like that hero in action movies who witnessed his entire family get murdered before his eyes and now has grown up, become extremely deadly, and now want revenge against us.

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I often google how to spell a word before I correct someone for spelling it wrong, to make sure I'm right.

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I prefer reading dumb comments on Reddit rather then Facebook because I don't feel sad that my friend are so stupid

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Dogs lick us because we have bones inside.

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I wonder how many amazing songs have been made by completely unknown musicians and will be never heard

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Tesla autopilot should only be available with a female voice just to fuck with the Saudi's

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If ancient Egyptians could see the internet today, they'd be very proud of the amount of cat videos.

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In the 1960s when I watched the Jetsons, I would not be surprised to hear that someday I would carry a small videophone with me. But if you told me I would hardly ever use it and instead would communicate by laboriously typing short messages on a tiny keyboard, I would think you were crazy.

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Right now my body is doing hundreds of things to keep me alive, but consciously I'm just scratching my ass

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Reddit comments seem smart and intelligent, until it is a subject I'm knowledgeable in.

At that point I am wondering who upvoted the dumbest comments straight to the top!



Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Gifs are just normal pictures in the Harry Potter Universe

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Humans have a fear of aliens coming to Earth with superior technology and killing everyone but that's exactly what happened to the Native Americans.

Imagine having people and ships on your shores with guns and willing out everyone.



Being poor is really fucking expensive.

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I still don't know which one is Key and which one is Peele

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iPhone's "Recently Deleted" Album Should Require a Passcode

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There's probably someone who loves the person you hate the most.

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An airplane is just a big flying socio-economic segregated bus.

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The irony of wearing camouflage clothing in public is that more people are likely to notice you

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If you could pause time, there would be no way to measure "how long" it was paused for.

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I dread a future where my grandkids use software to locate our old deleted MySpace accounts and write reports on them for school...

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Steve Jobs dying early is a fitting metaphor for his attitude to his company's battery life

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If self-driving cars kick in fast enough, Women may never be able to drive in Saudi Arabia.

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I excelled at Algebra, Calculus, and Trigonometry in high school and college... 20 years later and I've never used any of it once and can't remember 99% of it.

EDIT: You nerds fucking LOVE math.



The quote "Life is short" makes no sense. Life is the longest thing that'll ever happen to you.

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The "Murphy's Law" of swipe keyboards is probably: Anything that can go wrong, wool so wring

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What if Mars has water on it because we used to live there and fucked up the climate so bad that we had to send an escape pod to populate earth with just Adam and Eve on it?

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Being an elf is a real dice roll. You could either be an immortal, magical being, or end up being one of Santa's slaves.

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Instagram would have been a better name for an online drug delivery service.

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I don't follow the "respect is earned" philosophy. I respect everyone automatically and then each person has the opportunity to lose my respect based on their behavior.

"respect is lost" doesn't quite have the same impact though, does it?



Is the moral of The Tortoise and the Hare, "slow and steady wins the race" or "cocky, lazy and napping loses the race?"

The Tortoise didn't win because he was "slow and steady..." he won because the Hare was an idiot and SLEPT IN THE MIDDLE OF A RACE. If he didn't take a nap, he would have totally beat the Tortoise.



If I look down, I see one planet. If I look up, I see half of the entire universe.

Whoa.



There should be a "My history with this user" button on Reddit, so I can see if and when I ever interacted with this user in the past.

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The most mispronounced sentence in the English language is probably 'ow, I bit my tongue'

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Google is better at finding posts on reddit than the search on reddit itself

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You "trust" banks with your money, but they don't even trust you not to steal their pens.

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Maybe we can feel our quantum particles changing position when they're being observed, and that's how we know when someone's watching us.

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Once you earn the title "oldest person alive", you keep it for the rest of your life.

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The speed of light is 186000 miles per second. My car is 8 years old and just hit 186000 miles. So it took my car 8 years to travel as far as light does in a second.

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Monday, April 25, 2016

I can't be the only one that is sick of pretending to be sad when a famous person that had no impact on my life dies.

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Do you ever see a stranger in a random place and think "this is probably the only time I will ever see this person in my lifetime" and feel sad?

I get sentimental about strangers



The best way to honor a woman who worked a lifetime to end human trade, is to put her on currency, so she can be legally traded..Harriet Tubman

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If you sliced deadpool in half vertically down his body leaving equal halves, along with the right and left lobe of his brain on each side, would you get two deadpools when he regenerates?

I really want this to be answered.



The percentage of battery left on my phone when I leave work directly correlates with how much work I accomplished that day.

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In the Scooby Doo universe, every single mystery the gang ever encountered always had a logical explanation. In fact, the only unexplainable phenomenon in their entire history was that they had a dog who could fucking talk.

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My dog has cleaner water than 783 million people

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Laughter is a fun word...until you put an 'S' infront of it.

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My vacuum sucks whether it works or not.

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By the time artificial intelligence will know how to pass the Turing Test, it will also know how to fail it.

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The progress bar for 'safe to enter Chernobyl' hit 1% today.

It is said that it will take 3000 years for the city of Pripyat to be safe for humans again.

Today is the beginning of the thirtieth year.



I used to be the youngest person alive

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Daredevil's blindness and radar sense makes him closer to a bat than Batman.

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I would pay to see a movie in which Nicholas Cage plays every single character.

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Whenever I see a typo, I always look at the keyboard to see if the wrong letter is close to the letter that should have been used

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"Angry Birds" and "Grand Theft Auto" are both about destroying things while flipping the bird at pigs.

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Half Life 3 was never meant to exist. Half Life + Half Life = one full life

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Schrödinger's Ex: By not checking an ex's social media accounts and nor asking about them, they can neither be happier nor unhappier than yourself.

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Nabisco should make a sampler pack of every flavor of Oreos

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I would totally buy a dishwasher that came with bowls and plates that actually fit in the dishwasher.

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When a browser asks "do you want to save this password?" I wish "yeah but only if it works" was an option

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It's ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

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The term "leave things better than you found them" should also apply to the way you leave people. Seeing the garbage man, stopping to get a coffee, responding to a post on Reddit. So on and so forth.

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You don't teleport to the the other edge playing PacMan, the maze is a sphere and we're looking at it like a world map.

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It's pretty lucky that you grow up in a town where the wild Pokemon are lower levels.

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Christianity is just Jewish fan fiction.

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The last day of the Olympics should be all the gold medalists playing dodgeball until we have an ultimate champion.

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Sunday, April 24, 2016

It is quite weird when an entire boy band sings a love song about one girl.

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If Snapchat saves every picture sent (some would be nudes of minors) how do they not get in trouble for owning child pornography?

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I have never seen a frog sit on a lily pad.

I was led to believe as a child that this occured pretty frequently. Where do I go to see this.



People who have been hit by cars may have been able to avoid it had they brushed their teeth for 5 more seconds.

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I feel more disappointed in myself when I click on click bait than I do about almost any other everyday bad decision

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I can't think of a phrase with a more reverse impact than, "Calm Down".

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Spider-man used to take selfies before they were cool.

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I always want a poo that requires one clean wipe, but when it comes back clean I always double check because I don't believe the first one.

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Shouldn't it be the ceiling of your mouth and not the roof?

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If I concentrated as much at work as I do when I shave my balls I'd be a millionaire by now...

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You can hire a prostitute for $300 or less. So now we know how much "expensive as fuck" really is.

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If I was small enough, my cat would probably try to kill me.

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Knowing you sleep 8 hours a day or you spend 1/3 of your life sleeping sounds perfectly normal. But, if you tell me I'm asleep 4 months out of every year, it sounds insane.

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Everyday my wife spends 30 minutes drawing a new face on top of her face.

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Reddit has tabs for hot, new, rising, etc. but they should have a tab for FORGOTTEN. So people could find my posts.....

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Tiger Woods is a terrifying golf opponent, but an even more terrifying golf location

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Saying "Don't tell me what to do." is really hypocritical.

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Antarctica probably has the highest average IQ of any continent

(coz everyone there is a scientist)



My school gives out free condoms, but charges for printing. They value my sex life more than my academics

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Putting a mild skin irritant in a "Holy Water" bottle would be a pretty good prank

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Coffins are just fancy trash cans for people

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Saturday, April 23, 2016

Maybe Jesse's Girl grew up to be Stacy's Mom.

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Smoking a joint is essentially burning the evidence.

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I wonder how many watches are still ticking in buried coffins.

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In school, we learn things for tests. But in life we are tested first, then only we learn from it.

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Just like snowflakes, no two bags of trash you throw out are identical.

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When I was young I used to look away when characters kissed because it was gross. Now I look away because it reminds me how sad and alone I am...

Oh life...



What if "REDDIT" is actually run by cats who are making us waste time with our own version of the "RED DOT"?

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Playing Mario gets me a lot more angry/violent than GTA ever will

I used to get frustrated at any Super Mario game because of the twitch gameplay skills it requires, but Grand Theft Auto is straight forward and very lenient in comparison. It seems the violence between the games has no comparison.

Edit: redundancy is redundant



After Stan Lee dies, will his tombstone will continue to make a cameo in every Marvel movie?

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I've never seen a handicapped person using a handicap stall

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Any time a /r/mildlyinteresting post hits the front page, it should be deleted by the mods. Cause it's not mild anymore. It's now legitimately interesting.

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Amazon should have a button that tells them "I'm done looking for items like these" after you found one and bought it

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Birthday sex is like having celebratory sex because your parents had sex.

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If "4:20 blaze it" is a common time to smoke, why isn't high noon a thing?

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If you masturbate while trying to get pregnant with your SO, you are literally changing the possibilities of who your kid is going to be

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I wish the US would invade the US to build functioning roads and establish a democracy.

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Funny how sentences starting by "Funny how" aren't funny at all

And rather involve a deeper reflexion on subject



If life is just one big dream then I probably peed the bed a lot

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There are surprisingly few UFO sightings in this age of cheap flights and HD cameras in every phone

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People are more likely to say hello to a random pet waking by, than to its owner

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Ending a long time relationship means you suddenly now know a lot of useless information.

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If someone kills in the name of god, He/She actually destroyed his creation to please him.

That's like an overly attached creation.



Telling a person they should feel guilty due to their 'privilege' due to race, sex, etc. is essentially a secular version of 'original sin'.

Making people out to be inherently bad due to simply being born a certain way is not any different than telling people that they are guilty of sin from simply being born.



Depending on age, telling a girl she's a big girl will either make her very happy, or very angry.

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When people say, "There are a ton of people..." there are only about 15 people.

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Airports are the only place where I don't think twice about people drinking booze at 7 in the morning

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If a subreddit has porn in the title. It is most likely not actually porn.

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The only difference between Hoarders and Extreme Couponing seems to be shelving units.

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Whenever i hear a loud noise at night, i take comfort in the fact that if it was a thief, they wouldn't be this loud

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Purple Rain is being completely butchered by thousands of terrible cover bands tonight.

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[1 in 4 car accidents are caused by texting and driving] People: "Won't be me." [1 in 292 million chance of winning the Powerball] People: "You never know."

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Friday, April 22, 2016

What if Jake from StateFarm is gay, and is actually having an affair with the husband?

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Since Jehova's witnesses believe only 144,000 people make it into heaven, they are decreasing their odds of getting into heaven by "spreading the word".

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In some cases knowing how many seasons there are of a show is more of a spoiler than some spoilers

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People freaking out during VR experiences is like back in the day when people ran out of the first theater due to an oncoming train on the screen.

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Peter pan recruits lost boys with the same strategy as inner city gangs. Giving them a family they never had.

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In the future, Earth Day will probably be a day to remember Earth.

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I'm a guy living with two girls and they'll never know how hard I try to keep the toilet bowl clean by "peeing off" marks and stains.

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If cats ran society catnip might be an illegal drug; If they had pet humans they might buy marijuana to watch us get wonky.

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The leather jacket I've been wearing for 10 years has been worn longer by me than the cow that it came from.

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If the queen of England reaches 100 years old she'll have to write a letter of congratulations to herself.

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Nighttime is actually the natural state of the universe and the only reason we have daytime is because earth just so happens to face a giant star.

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4/22 is four twenty too.

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Websites that block me from viewing its content and tell me to turn AdBlocker off to continue severely overestimate my caring to see the content in the first place.

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If someone didn't understand the concept of paper money an American strip club would just look like a bunch of guys throwing pictures of old men at naked women.

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If you smoke weed before an eating contest are you technically on performance enhancing drugs?

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In video games you gain XP from success. In real life you gain XP from failure.

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I feel more naked when my belt is undone than when I'm not wearing one at all

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Facebook is like a Pokedex for humans

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Bad handwriting is like mumbling on paper.

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I was born breech (legs first) so for a brief moment of my life I wore my mum as a hat....

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I'm more amazed by the way a needle plays a vinyl record then by the way lasers read cds

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Thursday, April 21, 2016

Is cutting off Mike Wazowski's legs the same thing as beheading him?

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Does medusa have pubes and if do are they Also snakes?

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Maybe the rapture is happening and God is taking the best musicians first for sound check before the party...

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Since nearly all human drugs start with animal models mice have arguably the most advanced healthcare system on the planet

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Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy.

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Looks like now we can officially call him The artist formerly known as Prince.

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So many people die every day that we've never actually checked to make sure that the sun would rise without a human sacrifice.

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You probably have someone else's goal physique

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If religious extremists use US currency having a lady with an uncovered head on the $20 bill is really going to stick in their craw.

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If Nintendo made a Virtual Reality Mario Kart that could quite possibly be the most insane game ever.

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If my girlfriend is "the one" then I must be really lucky considering I've only met 0.0000001% of the population.

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My favourite part of fantasy football is hating a man I will never meet because he didn't help me win something fake.

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They should make a Batman game where you play as Alfred: A management sim handling Bruce Wayne's days/nights

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The world thinks of America the same as how Americans thinks of Texans

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If someone on the internet leads their post with "English is not my native language." you can be almost certain they're about to trot out the finest of the King's English.

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The Titanic's swimming pool is still functional.

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Does anyone else find it ironic that Harriet Tubman a former slave is going to be memorialized on a piece of cotton?

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Now we get to call a $20 bill a "Tubby"

Since Harriett Tubman is on the new bills,



If you call someone an "ass hat" you are technically calling them pants

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If you own zero dollars you are more rich than 80% of The USA.

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No matter where you cut a snake it will always be decapitated.

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What if Genies were real until somebody wished they weren't?

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Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realized he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.

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Whenever I see a beetle stuck on its back on the sidewalk I think "That's a design flaw." But then again flat surfaces are pretty rare in nature.

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We are a collection of atoms that understands that it's a collection of atoms.

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In the beginning of the first Harry Potter movie Ron tries a spell to make his rat yellow but it doesn't work. Not because it was a bogus spell or the fact that Ron is generally unskilled at magic but because his rat isn't really a rat at all.

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Bitter sour and salty are distinctly different tastes but all describe the same attitude.

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Do I think in English or am I just perceiving sub-concious thought as English?

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''You'll never call us twice'' is both a good and a bad slogan for a suicide hotline.

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Despite everything I have learnt from movies I would still visit a dinosaurs park.

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If you watch youtube on 4g and you're forced to watch ads you're actually paying to see commercials.

Title



Wednesday, April 20, 2016

In most episodes of scooby doo the bad guy hasn't actually comitted any crime he's just scared people away from X place so he can dig for treasure.

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A Batman movie from the point of view of a random street gang would probably be a lot like the film "Predator"

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When my wife's parents encourage us to have children they're really just telling me to bareback and creampie her more often.

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A video-game studio is probably the only workplace where it's appropriate to talk regularly about killing a boss.

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This afternoon this sub is going to blow up.

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A marriage certificate is essentially the opposite of a restraining order.

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Someone made fun of me for using a pocket watch. I asked her what time it was and she pulled her phone out of her pocket and completely missed the irony.

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If the good die young then why must we respect our elders?

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The day is already 33% complete at 8:00 AM

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Each subreddit should have a dial I can turn up or down depending how much content I want on my front page from that subreddit.

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can you cencor a female nipple with a male nipple?

if so, can you just photoshop a male nipple onto a female and will it be SFW?



If I was a writer or producer for a tv show I would end every season/break with a cliffhanger and go spend a couple days on reddit. Cause reddit really does have better ideas than most writers in Hollywood.

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It's not surprising there are forest fires every year considering I'm the only one who can prevent them.

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At some point Reddit will be the next Yahoo or AOL and only old people will use it.

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Bags of pet food should come with a toy inside.

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I'm a bit surprised that I have never met a person with a pet named Peeve.

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Drugged out 1960's rock legends are out living all the 1960's astronauts who were the best physical specimens our nation could find at the time.

I mean, 6 of the Mercury 7 are dead but we still have 5 of the 8 people who have been in the Rolling stones, and 50% of the Beetles are still with us.



I wonder if anyone in China ever jokes about digging to America.

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Probability of pregnancy when having unprotected sex is about 1:6. So is the chance of death in a round of Russian Roulette.

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Whenever people on TV or in movies try to steal information from a computer they always seem to put the USB in the right way on the first try. What's their secret?

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Pandora should allow you to thumbs up or down ads to give marketers feedback on good and bad ads.

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"God works in mysterious ways" is basically religion's "Shit happens".

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Americans are probably taxed more now they were before they revolted against Britain for overtaxing them.

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Tuesday, April 19, 2016

If you're over 30 you were alive before every dog in the world.

Also every cat.

And every dog that was alive when you were born is now dead. This means there are no dogs left that were alive before 1986.

And if you are in your early thirties, every dog that is currently alive will most likely die before you do.



Being a 17 year old ginger kid you can imagine my excitement this morning when I woke up to find that I'm going bald.

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Everyone who said "long live the queen" didn't think it would actually work this well.

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An animated Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy movie done by the creators of Futurama would be amazing.

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If computers take over the world "PC Master Race" will have a whole new meaning.

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When I look up and see my password in my username box it feels like I've walked in on someone naked.

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People who train at the gym to lift more weight basically are just training to be able to train more

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As a child the concept of having a favourite color seemed more important than it turned out to be.

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When someone in America says "It must be 100 degrees in here" they're being literal. Anywhere else it's an exaggeration.

Just watching Gran Torino.



If an outgoing person is a "people person" an outgoing goose would be a "geese goose".

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I doubt an onion would shed a single tear if it was dismembering me.

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Saying that you can't speak a language in that language is the most useful thing to learn.

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I bet art schools have the best bathroom graffiti

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Considering that Anakin was educated at the Jedi Temple he was basically a school shooter.

... or, Slasher, I guess.

Where the Jedi Council is the preps or jocks or whatever that won't let him hang out with them.



Most children ( 2-5 yo)can operate intelligent devices like ipads laptops smartphones but somehow they can't understand how to use the toilet.

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There should be a take your parent to work day so that they can see what their kid has grown up to be.

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In my teens I looked for girls who were virgins. Now that I'm older I look for women who aren't moms

I was raised very religious and I thought non-virgin girls were to be avoided. My attitude changed over time when it became hard to find a girl who was still a virgin. Now that I'm in my 20s I try to avoid single moms, but maybe someday when I'm older I will have to accept single moms too.



Smokers literally pay for cancer.

Pretty obvious thought.



Disneyland should have a small Disney Villain themed area as a place for park visitors to smoke cigarettes.

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Tesla did $14B in presales but I have never seen an ad. Not on Tv. Not online.

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I drank the blood of Jesus Christ in a candle lit room while a creepy old robed man whispered incantations in a dead language... Catholicism is fucking metal.

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Babies cry a lot because any little discomfort is literally the worst thing they ever felt in their life.

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Having a child is sentencing a human being to death.

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Monday, April 18, 2016

Elevator doors are the only time it's considered reasonable to halt the progress of large machinery by sticking your limbs into its moving parts.

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Every time I read the acronym ROFL I can't help but imagine Scooby Doo trying to say waffle.

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I live in a modest 1 bed/bath apartment. To me it's small but for insects that find their way in it is akin to the Mines of Moria huge and cavernous and unfamiliar architechure. And my cat is like the Balrog.

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Reddits like the guy who tells a joke but no one hears it then Facebook repeats it and everyone laughs.

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At the end of each day, life should ask us whether we want to 'save changes'.

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The only time I've ever used the panic button on my car key is when I accidentally press it, causing me panic.

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Enrique Iglesias and Eric Church have basically the same name just in a different language.

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Does anyone else walk into a building and think, 'this place is defensible in a zombie apocalypse'?

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Whenever I start to feel like I'm different or unique I come on Reddit and realize there are thousands of people just like me

This sounds more dramatic than I meant it. I don't see this as a bad thing... I see it as "there are plenty of people that could potentially be Turk to my J.D. In this world"



I can't look at a word without reading it

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If anyone should be pro-marijuana, it's the snack food industry.

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What if a human bite turns zombies back to normal but no one in the apocalypse has ever tried it.

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There is a spot in the middle of my back that has probably not been sufficiently washed for > 10 years.

Standard issue shower thought.



Netflix and chill will soon be Netflix and children.

Anyone need a cutting board while I'm on the front page of /r/showerthoughts ?



It is socially acceptable to say "Good morning" as a greeting and "Good night" as a farewell, however it would be weird if someone said "Good morning" to you as a farewell and "Good night" as a greeting

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It's crazy how there are infinite numbers between 0 and 1

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If they don't name that ship Boaty Mcboatface I will not believe in democracy

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There is someone alive right now who will outlive all 7 billion+ people currently on Earth.

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The two thing in my life that have the most to do with my health and happiness, nutrition and personal finance, were only superficially touched on in elementary school and then never addressed again throughout my education.

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Naming children unique and creative names is going to create a generation that will never find their name on novelty keychains

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By going out in public, you're trusting hundreds or thousands of people to not kill you

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It's actually ok to ask somebody who works at the mint how much money they make.

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I can tie a much stronger knot by accident than I can on purpose.

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I wonder if anyone has ever saved the world from destruction on a secret mission like we see in the movies, yet we will never know.

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Nowadays, when someone says "literally", I automatically assume everything they're about to say is wildly exaggerated.

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One day someone will use "I thought I was still in VR" as a criminal defense

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Sunday, April 17, 2016

In limbo, if you set the bar low, you are really setting the bar high.

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'Trident' is an awful name for gum, seeing as it means 'three teeth.'

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"Men are afraid of strong women" is basically "Girls don't date nice guys" for women.

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I wonder how many item features I don't know about because I have never read a instruction manual for anything.

I just found out the lamp I have owned for 5 years can spin the opposite way



The more interracial sex we have now, the less we'll be able to have later.

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I look both ways before crossing a one way street. That's how much faith I have left in humanity.

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If someone says "I'm gay" over and over people would think "oh we know, shut up about it." But if a person says "I'm straight" over and over again people would think they're gay.

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Whoever decided that an uppercase 'I' and lowercase 'l' should look exactly the same on a computer was a sadistic monster.

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A person from 150 years ago would be terrified by modern stuff. However, a duck from 150 years ago would just be all like, still got lakes? yes ? okay cool

A person from 150 years ago would be terrified by modern stuff. However, a duck from 150 years ago would just be all like, still got lakes? yes ? okay cool



Whenever I think of the sea I think of beaches and ports but never of the miles of nothing and darkness that makes up the most of it.

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if you had enough money, you could buy out facebook and just delete it

as in the entire website. imagine the mayhem.



TV really made me believe that souffles being ruined would be a frequent problem.

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In light of the recent Amber Alert, I wish they would follow up with a message/text that the kid was found safe.

I think this would help future Amber Alert's effectiveness .



'You have a big heart' is a nice compliment from anyone except your doctor

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The Cellphone has probably destroyed the alarm clock industry.

And a number of other industries. Home landlines.



Our immune system is basically some molecules in our body discriminating against immigrant molecules

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Kids that are being born now will have terrible choices in email addresses

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A person climbing a spiral staircase and a person walking in a circle in an elevator could have the exact same displacement path.

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Harvesting honey is like taking away the life savings of a beehive against their will.

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A vacuum is one of the only items where "collecting dust" means you actually use it.

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The closer I am to running out of toilet paper, the better I am at oragami.

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Parents of identical twins have created two alternate timelines for the same kid.

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If two pregnant women get into a fistfight, it's like a mech battle between two babies

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"Mommy watch this" is my 5 year-old's version of my "Hold my beer".

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Saturday, April 16, 2016

Somebody somewhere is destined to be the first person to be killed by an artificial intelligence and have their name immortalized in future law's and legal proceedings and to be known by millions.

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The guy who made Super Size Me should've done it during a Monopoly sweepstakes

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The only difference between reddit and 4chan is that 4chan knows they're all assholes

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If sign spinners unionize and go on strike, it will be the most glorious picket line ever.

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If the Pope sneezes, nobody is in a high enough position of power to bless him

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I use the app "Reddit is fun" so much I can barely navigate Reddit on my computer

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After a long road trip, there is a sense of relief once you're back in range of your radio presets.

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If you lived at 123 Fake St, no one would ever believe you.

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Spilling a beer is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon as a child.

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The meaning of life can be found in a dictionary.

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Shouldn't boat engines be rated in seahorsepower?

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Programming is just witchcraft with technology

We use specific words and phrases to produce the desired result Usually done with like minded groups, but can be done solo Use of tools that no one else recognizes Can be seen as dangerous or a threat to the general public, mostly because they don't understand what we do



Warren buffet and I have a combined net worth of over 67 billion dollars.

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No one has ever been in an empty room.

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How famous do you have to be to get assassinated instead of murdered?

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I wish there were an option to send a low priority text message that doesn't notify the recipient until they unlock their phone.

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As a Japanese speaker, I have to take extra few seconds to force my brain to not treat ツ as an character when I read ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

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Most of the men and women in a gym are working toward the same goal, the perfect female body.

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When I see a middle aged person vaping, I assume they've made a healthy decision and quit smoking. When I see young kid vaping, I assume they're a douche bag.

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Because telescopes work using mirrors, we will never know if space is full of space vampires.

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They should have a GTA mission where you have to keep a bus over 50mph.

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Every day there must be hundreds of really great posts/comments that just get posted at the wrong time, so one one reads them.

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I wonder if anybody masturbated to me.

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If pennies cost 1.7 cents to make, why not hollow the center out like a 5-yen coin until the cost of materials is 1 cent?

not really philosophical or existential but I thought of it in a shower. I mean for whatever reason congress hasn't decided to stop producing this useless coin so why not change the design to not spend needless money?



If you watch riot footage in reverse its about good citizens who are dropped off by police officers to help rebuild a burning city

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Friday, April 15, 2016

Everyone on a plane is basically just chipping in for gas and snacks

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Every time you pop a zit you're pretty much going double-or-nothing on noticeability

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95% of the time when I think food smells great it's just onion and/or garlic cooking.

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In "Friends," Rachel was a waitress at a coffee shop... I've never seen a waitress at a coffee shop before...

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There are 80 million posts submitted to reddit per year, everyday 150 posts get to frontpage. So my chance of getting this post to frontpage is about 0.07%

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There should be a dating app which lets you look through the other user's music collection

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When I'm driving, I often think "Those asshole pedestrians!" and when I'm a pedestrian I often think: "Those asshole drivers"

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I've reached an age where I have vintage clothes in my closet that I bought new.

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If a car lives a successful life, it will never touch another car.

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People who think anyone can put anything in Wikipedia have never tried to edit a page in Wikipedia.

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"Let me speak to your manager" is the adult version of "I'm telling mum"

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I just had a fajita wrap from Tim Hortons in New Jersey. That's Mexican food from a Canadian restaurant in the United States. I just ate North America.

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As a father I have realized that days are long and years are short.

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At one time or another, you have ALL tried using the force only to disappoint yourself and confirm the fact you aren't a jedi.

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Cows born in India basically won the life lottery

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I wonder if the picture that will be used for my funeral has already been taken?

My apologies for the question mark.



"If you are a pessimist, you are never going to be disappointed" is a very optimistic attitude to being a pessimist.

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If you're an older twin, you can call your sibling every day and say "Back when I was your age" and tell then something you did 10 minutes ago

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Everything that SpongeBob cooks is technically boiled

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MTV should now stand for Miscellaneous TV

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Hogwarts only has magical classes, so anyone who graduates from Hogwarts is probably actually really stupid in the muggle world.

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Cannibals actually are what they eat

Probably one of few examples where the phrase is literal



Some memes are older than the kids browsing them

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Thursday, April 14, 2016

People who decide not to have kids probably are the ones who should

Not a shower thought but a stuck in traffic one.



The speed of a clock's second hand is exactly 1 RPM.

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You never appreciate breathing through your nose, until you have a cold

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I always seem to have a just strong enough data connection to play a YouTube ad without interruptions but never the video I'm am trying to watch.

Happens all too frequently



I have successively pooped, going 500 mphs, in a chair, in the sky.

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Tesla's Autopilot Just made Getting a Road Blowjob Much Safer

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After living with my girlfriend for a few years now, I completely understand why every male retirement activity - golf, tennis, fishing, etc. - is done in silence.

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200 years ago a product from China would have been a sign of nobility, now it just means you went to the grocery store

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If Star Wars actually took place 'a long long time ago, in a galaxy far away," we could witness the destruction of the Death Star once the light from that location got to us.

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Think about how excited you would have to be to run across a room and embrace and kiss someone when they enter the room. Dogs get that excited at least once a day.

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When something is pickled, the word pickled is added onto the original food name. Except for cucumbers.

Pickled eggs, pickled onions, etc..

But pickled cucumbers are just.. Pickles.



What if cats want to sit on our keyboards because they think that we are massaging it the way we do when we pet them?

I could understand the thought...why not get under the rain of finger pokes...



People commenting on posts with already 500+ comments are basically talking alone.

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Staying up later at night is basically setting the next day to a higher difficulty.

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The problem of slow walking people blocking everyone else will never disappear since the ones causing the problem are the only ones not affected by it

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If Bruce Wayne's Bat Cave is populated with thousands of bats, like we're normally shown, how is all the equipment kept clean? Bats shit. A lot.

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Ever noticed how supervillains are always trying to change things and superheroes always try to resist the change?

Some of the changes are even arguably good! Or if a hero tries to cause a change he becomes a bad guy and other heroes try to stop him/her. Of course there are some exceptions every now and then (many times for the sake of retcon or origin stories)



I wonder if my dogs think the delivery people are my owners because they give me food.

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There are probably epic space battles happening right now somewhere.

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As a child, going to bed at 8PM feels like punishment. As an adult, going to bed at 8PM feels like a reward.

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Every time I see a tracking device in a movie it blinks and beeps, which is probably the exact two things you don't want a tracking device to do

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One day, history students might need to memorise the most popular memes we used.

But only the dankest.



Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Any machine is a smoke machine if you use it wrongly.

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Do hipsters go on Amazon and sort clothing by least to most popular?

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Titanic is a universally loved movie, but if there was a movie where two people fall in love in the World Trade Center and the final act of the movie was the 9/11 attacks, everyone would be outraged.

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If my dog pees on a tree to mark his territory, does he think my family is having a turf war over our bathroom?

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Dildo factories probably don't have "Take Your Daughter to Work Day."

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If I see a lot of police cars in one area, I immediately begin to feel more nervous than safe.

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Growing up, I heard a lot about Anchovy Pizzas. Now that I'm an adult, I realize that I have never once heard anyone order an Anchovy Pizza.

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There should be a YouTube channel where they take super strong acid and pour it on different stuff

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I have no problems watching a 45 second gif on Reddit but balk at going to YouTube for a 10 second video

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If Dumbledore wanted to help Harry, he could have fixed his vision. In a world of magic why is your savior reliant on glasses?

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Why is it okay for the main character in movies to kill hundreds of innocent people working for the bad guys just to save a specific person important to him. I mean those guys had families too.

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If I put a wool sweater on my dog, I will have created a wolf in sheep's clothing.

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"I tagged your sister on a post" would sound pretty offense 20 years ago.

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The only thing that the Internet unanimously agrees on is that the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell

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An employer probably wouldn't hire a person being investigated by the FBI, but we will probably elect one.

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There should be a Tinder for friends. I don't care about getting laid, but I'd really like a friend to play board games or go hiking with.

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I wonder if I've ever drank milk that's come from a cow I've eaten

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The majority of men can probably give better handjobs than women.

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Before reddit, the range of emotions I experienced while pooping was pretty limited.

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From my experience of working in construction, never once have I used construction paper.

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I wonder how many famous people I've encountered or killed in online gaming.

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The first person to ever experience a "brain freeze" must have been fucking terrified

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The U.S. should substitute a National Voting Day as a Federal Holiday in place of Columbus Day as a Federal Holiday.

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A haiku consists of three stanzas that follow a pattern of 5/7/5. If you divide five by seven and then by five, you get 0.142857142857. This number, when read aloud, is a haiku.

Zero point one four

Two eight five seven one four

Two eight five seven



School has become more of a test of memory than a test of skill or knowledge.

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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

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In my lifetime I will be the last person to die

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Tuesday, April 12, 2016

As a child I never thought about race, gender, or religion until school and textbooks mentioned it

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Raisins should be marketed as 'grape jerky'

Link to original thought as I'm not awake enough in time to think in the shower myself.



People who are restocking the produce section in my grocery store are re-producing.

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I wonder if people who know the truth behind conspiracy theories (Area 51, JFK assasination, etc.) ever go and watch consipracy theory videos online and chuckle to themselves because they know the truth.

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I really feel like I'm doing toilet paper a favor when I use it to blow my nose.

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We milk a cow, and let the milk age to make cheese. Then we use the cheese to make our cow taste better.

Cheeseburgers mother fuckers!



If you care for a chicken, you are literally a chicken tender

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Teachers wont let you use Wikipedia, But they make you use 30 year old textbooks

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The voice in my head is an exceptionally good singer

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There are two types of people in this world. Those who clear remaining time when they're done with the microwave, and monsters.

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When people use the phrase "friend of a friend" they could be talking about themselves and not lying.

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Does anyone else leave the period off of the end of a text to make it seem friendlier and/or less abrasive?

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My parents were always telling me not to talk to strangers online, and yet here I am, talking to strangers amongst 30 million other strangers whose parents told them not to talk to strangers online.

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"You'll need an account to do that" generally actually means "An account is absolutely unnecessary to do that, but we're locking you out of it until you give us your personal information"

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r/TheOnion and r/NotTheOnion combined should contain everything in the entire universe.

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If Stanley Kubrick DID direct the moon landing, he would probably be so perfectionist he had them film on location anyway.

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Making Siri say dirty things is this generations way of typing boob on a calculator

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Monday, April 11, 2016

Naming new found land Newfoundland is pretty lazy.

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I wonder if Snowden is pissed we aren't publicly protesting to bring him back after what he did for us

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In an endlessly vast universe where Earth is the only location of intelligent life, two perspectives exist; either everything we do is absolutely meaningless, or we are the source of the only meaning in the universe.

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When you say "my head says this, but my heart says that," it's actually your head that's saying both things

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I wonder if I've ever played against the same random person in two totally different online games without even knowing it

Like playing someone in LoL and then in Rocket League. Or the guy you invaded in Dark Souls just happens to be the guy you killed on your Minecraft server.



You're meant to become an expert in something after doing it for 10000 hours, but I've been eating for way longer than that and still bite the inside of my mouth.

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Now that I work using a 2 monitor display setup I realize how important and essential it is now for me to have a 3 monitor display setup.

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Parents who are friends with their kids literally made friends

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When you're a child, dirty jokes are considered adult. However, when you're an adult, dirty jokes are considered juvenile/immature.

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The best student at a Ninja School would be marked absent everyday.

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What if planet Earth is the "Noah's Ark" of the Galaxy and that's why we can't find life on other planets, it was destroyed long ago.

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What blows my mind is that NASA is able to communicate with a 4.67 billion miles far away spacecraft, but I lose my WI-FI signal once I'm in the kitchen.

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Ten years ago, if you took your phone with you to the bathroom, people would think you had something to hide. Now, everyone knows you're taking a dump.

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Considering Plankton was able to create his wife Karen, who seems to have all the artificial intelligence of IBM'S Watson, he could have had a pretty promising career in computer science, yet he chose to manage a fast food restaurant.

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If people were granted re-dos in life, they would probably use them all before turning 10 to prevent being grounded or something relatively harmless.

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If I were Ted Cruz, I would admit to being the Zodiac Killer on my deathbed, just for fun.

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As a scotch drinker, my favorite flavor of alcohol is wood.

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What if all the Ancient Greek sculptures are actually victims of Medusa?

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Crime TV shows are the adult version of Blue's Clues

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Big foot, aliens, and ghosts all decided to stop appearing after camera phones got popular.

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If aliens came to earth and they had never encountered animals or the idea of cultivating them, human population would seem like a huge barbaric tribe enslaving and eating other living beings

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I'm one of the people who actually likes the song 'Never gonna give you up', so whenever I get rickrolled instead of being mad, I'm unexpectedly happy, similar to when my favorite song comes on the radio.

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In the 24 hour clock, 24 hours is never displayed.

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Sunday, April 10, 2016

Nothing is on fire, fire is on things.

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The course of human history might be completely different if every man's penis was exactly the same size

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The only time you can brag about having sex to your parents is when you are having a baby.

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When weed becomes legal everywhere, Amazon is going to make billions on to-your-doorstep weed delivery.

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If some giant who is four times my size threw me in the air and caught me, I would not like it very much, but when I was a toddler I begged my dad to do it.

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The police are now obligated to look at my penis to verify I'm allowed to use a bathroom in North Carolina.

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It's only socially acceptable for a person to say that they think they're beautiful if they aren't.

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Male unicorn genitalia should be referred to as "Majesticals".

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When you're 75 years old (which is 900 months old), you'd have still spent 1% of your entire life inside your mother.

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I wonder how many of Internet Explorer's first searches are "Download Chrome"

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The same teachers who told me "respect your elders" were the same ones who said "respect is earned, not given".

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Colleges are ranked on how good their applicants are, not on how good their graduates are.

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There should be an email setting that allows you to set a value (lets say 50) and if you don't open an email that many times in a row it will automatically unsubscribe you from it.

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Broth is like meat tea

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If a website blocks me from viewing them with an adblocker, I'm perfectly fine with closing the tab 100% of the time.

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Highschool wasn't about learning, it was about passing.

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If I were homeless, I think I would beg at Tesla charging stations instead of gas stations.

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I just got my PhD from the same university that I got my bachelors. I then applied for a job as a part time lecturer at that same university but did not get hired. Their degrees aren't even good enough for a job at their own institution.

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I'll sit through twenty minutes of previews at the theater, but I abandon a video on my phone if it hasn't loaded in five seconds.

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If you think about it pregnant women are body builders.

Thank for the enlightenment zbo.