/sorryforuglytitle/
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
I wonder how many turtles you can actually stack before you reach the structural limits of the bottom turtle.
That number is a good approximation of "all the way down" (in units of one standard turtle).
As a kid I wanted to grow up to be a Jedi. Now that I'm grown up I've come to realize I'm more like a storm trooper. I spend most of my time at work chatting and dicking around with my coworkers, my boss and assistant manager are assholes, and I never really did much to help the galaxy.
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If Elon Musk really is our Tony Stark, we should trap him in a cave until he creates a fusion reactor
Or perhaps I took the wrong lesson from watching Iron Man?
Somewhere in the world right now, someone is complaining that GMOs are "unnatural" while eating seedless grapes.
UPDATE: I feel I have to explain because so many people are telling me seedless grapes aren't GMOs.
I know they aren't (necessarily) GMOs.
The point of my thought was that having no seeds is about the most fundamentally unnatural thing I can think of in a fruit, but as long as that wasn't achieved by genetic modification, that person doesn't see the unnaturalness of it.
The highest sign of friendship I can offer is to answer the phone every time they call
and not just let it go to voicemail, like I do with 99.999% of the rest of my phone calls.
When someone adds you as a friend on Facebook, their profile should be viewable as though the two of you were friends already, so you can verify that they actually know you.
It would only work one way, too. So for example, say Emile Deschampes (made up name) adds me on Facebook, I can then go to his profile and look at his pictures/info/friend list as though we're already Facebook friends to check for mutual friends, interests, etc. This would not work the other way around though, he wouldn't be able to see my full profile until I accept his request.
My logic is thus: If you want to friend request me, I should be allowed to be creepy for the sake of my own security.
Monday, May 30, 2016
The older generations that complain about milenials being lazy and reclusive were the same generation that took away our fun playgrounds for not being safe enough.
When i was kid, there was so many cool playgrounds, tall slides and ladders and just alot of fun to be had at the park. I noticed as I got older that they were all being replaced with the same cookie cutter flat plastic playground with pretty much just "bridges" and little plastic slides.
It got to the point where they were eaentially useless and not fun whatsoever. Theres peobably more similar examples and it just shows how the generations that raised milenials are reaponsible for the attitudes they complain about.
The US is the world's 'Florida man'.
Half the news from the US is pretty much the dumbest shit ever.
My best friend is awake roughly three hours more than I am every day. If we both die at 80 years old, he'll have been awake 10 years more than I will have.
I sleep eight hours a night on average; he sleeps about five. That means I'm up roughly 16 hours a day, whereas he's up around 19.
Here's the math: (3 hours more a day)(365 days) = 1095 hours / 45.6 days a year.
(1095 hours)(80 years) = 87,600 hours a lifetime / 3,650 days / 10 years.
My girlfriend and I touch other peoples genitals moreso than we do each others... I'm an Ob/Gyn and she's a urologist.
My girlfriend and I touch other people's genitals moreso than we do each others... I'm a gynecologist and she's a urologist.
Sunday, May 29, 2016
Uber should have a senior discount so elderly people wouldn't have to drive if they feel like they can't drive safely
It seems like a decent amount of elderly people are forced to drive places because they have no one to drive them. In a lot of cases, they're no longer okay to drive (reflexes/alertness)
Saturday, May 28, 2016
I wonder if Buzzfeed managers yell at their employees for working on spreadsheets when they are supposed to be browsing reddit.
Don't let me catch you crunching numbers on company time. Get back to browsing r/mildyinteresting...
I'm still friends on facebook with a girl i fingered at a club when i was 18 but have lost more than half of my high school friends because we weren't close enough.
I don't understand facebook.
Holy shit edit: I won't provide proof, but i will say live gets sad as long as it is.
Gender neutral washrooms have existed under the alias "family washrooms" for years.
No one ever created a ruckus about family washrooms, even though they're pretty much the same thing.
Friday, May 27, 2016
They should remake shitty movies instead of good ones.
Why make a new version of a thing people already liked, when you can take something shitty and actually make it good?
Reddit has become my morning newspaper
I wake up, make breakfast, and sip my coffee as a browse reddit before work.
I wonder what the turkey I'm going to eat this Thanksgiving is doing right now.
Probably masturbating if he's anything like me.
Thursday, May 26, 2016
You know you're fucked if your favorite band visits you while you're in a hospital
So Primus better not come a-knockin' when I'm having my preputioplasty done next week....
The military has trained me to be a very good homeless person.
Through my military experience, I have learned to tolerate sleeping on concrete, waiting in long lines for food to be issued, and am able to pack all my crap into one bag.
To be fair, I got plenty of other useful skills out of the deal.
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
I'm going to blow my kids' mind when I tell him I'm older than the internet.
He's about a year and a half old.
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
Vaping without nicotine is basically sucking on a pacifier for adults
And you even use them to wean yourself off real cigarettes.
Monday, May 23, 2016
Whenever a teacher allowed students to make a cheat sheet for a test, they were conning us into actually studying
I remember that during the test, I would never even need to look at the cheat sheet.
The more attractive you are while online dating, the more likely you are to be flagged as spam.
Heaven forbid you actually have a professionally taken photo on your profile...
Chrome needs a "Clear the last 15 minutes" button
Chrome lets you clear the last hour, but sometimes you accidentally click on a NSFW link at work and want to clear the cookies - just in case without wiping out the past hour (taking out Saved logins, etc)
Sunday, May 22, 2016
Saturday, May 21, 2016
Image how scary the ocean would seem if we could see all the way to the bottom?
If it was crystal clear and light reached the bottom and we could somehow see the ocean floor image all the weird stuff we'd see.
I'm 17, and frequently use IMDB's Parent Guide to make sure a movie is okay for my parents to watch.
Kind of a funny reversal of roles. I like crude and gory movies but my mother doesn't at all, so I always have to check before we watch a movie to make sure she'll like it.
I wonder how parents got their toddlers to eat before airplanes were invented
"here comes the... bat? into the cave?"
I wish movies and shows had a separate volume level for vocals, special effects, and music, like video games.
Seriously some shows and movies have vocals too low and special effects and music way too high.
Friday, May 20, 2016
You know what'd be really cool? If someone took all of the top /r/earthporn posts and plotted them on a map
We could see the what the earthporn-iest country is, and also when you travel you could see if there are any nearby!
Thursday, May 19, 2016
Revisiting your old university campus after you've graduated feels awful lot like going back to an open -world video game after you've already beaten the main story and completed all side quests.
I finished my undergrad about four years ago and am currently working on my doctorate in the east coast. Anyways, about a week ago, I flew back home to CA for few days and decided to revisit my university campus. It was nice and nostalgic but at the same time, it just didn't feel all great as I thought it would. Then just now, it occurred to me that it felt awful similar to trying to replay an open-world game where you've basically beaten all the quests and all your essential NPCs are gone and disappeared... All that remains is just a pretty scenery. Guess doing your post-grad degree is like an expensive DLC...
In all seven books, Harry Potter only bathes once
Book four, prefects' bathroom.
Edit: I mean it's not even casually mentioned, though there's plenty of pulling on and off robes, going to bed, breakfasting, waking up, and other routine things.
Since "Finding Nemo" led to a decline in the clownfish population from people wanting them as pets, Disney should make a movie about elderly, disabled, or otherwise "less desirable" pets
Like, a kid really wants a kitten and the parents bring back a scruffy older cat that's blind or missing a leg or something and the kid is mad at first but gradually realizes the cat is awesome and they go on wacky adventures and have a blast while accurately depicting the responsibilities of being a pet owner. Or a bunch of goofy looking mutts get tired of waiting to be adopted and escape the shelter and go do some kind of zany, Disney-like thing. I don't know, I'm not a writer.
Every time you cut a corner you make two more.
Edit: This isn't exclusively about actual corners.. Its an idiom.
Went to my coffee joint after lunch. No warning they stopped carrying the healthnut cookies I adore AND they hired a new barista. Dude didn't know what I wanted and couldn't make it the same way. It occurred to me on my way back to work that they had deleted my cookies and lost my site preferences!
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Wednesday, May 18, 2016
If I tell my auto insurance provider that I now identify as female, do my rates go down?
If so I'm buying a really nice wig for when I go driving.
If Stan Lee's cameos in Marvel movies were actually all one single character, he'd be an inter-dimensional being traveling through time and space to seemingly observe various heroes at key moments of their lives. It would easily make him one of the most powerful characters in the Marvel Universe
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An unfinished email about beer is saved as a draft.
I was writing an email to some friends about beer choices and was interrupted. When I had time to finish it, I found the email saved as a draft.
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
"Fucking up" could also refer to the practice of having sex with people richer than you.
Sort of like punching up, but friendlier.
If every screw/nail on Earth suddenly ceased to exist, it would be catastrophic.
Think about it, every building/computer/home appliance are constructed with screws.
What the hell does a golfer do when they retire? Most people retire then take up golf.
Maybe they just get a job or something.
Monday, May 16, 2016
Zip code should be the first field in address section on web forms so that City and State fields are automatically populated
This can also give suggestions for street names.
There have likely been thousands of people born throughout history who were far more intelligent than the most famous intellectual geniuses, but who were never known to the world at large, and simply lived their lives and died without being about to contribute their intelligence to humanity.
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How does Plankton afford all those damn gadgets if he never sells any chum?
Also, if he put half as much effort into running a successful business and he did into stealing a crabby patty, he might have a better product.
Sunday, May 15, 2016
Humans spend 33.3% of their lives asleep. They spend 50% of that dreaming. That means that 16.6% percent of your life experiences never happened.
And you probably don't remember them either.
Saturday, May 14, 2016
Friday, May 13, 2016
On average ancestors of Africans taken as slaves probably have it better off now than the ones that stayed in Africa
Please don't kill me.
Edit: I meant descendents not ancestors
Edit2: This should go without saying, but I'm not arguing that slavery was a net good thing or anything like that. I don't mind the accusations of racism from people who can't get think beyond an "us vs them" mentality. Just because I wonder if a very bad thing that happened (slavery) might have had unintended positive consequences for some, does not mean I'm endorsing that thing (slavery). That said, I find the discussion below entertaining and informative.
Edit3: I also thing it's funny that so many people say I should have read and researched before posting. This is shower thoughts. I don't have a waterproof case for my phone to gather all of the necessary reference material to meet the high level of evidence you require when something I say touches a nerve: http://ift.tt/1s7wriK
8 year old me would be angry at me if he found out smartwatches are a thing and I don't own one
They've been a thing for years now, so we don't see them as being the cyberpunk toys they really are anymore. If anything, we see them as actual toys.
But go back to 2002 and tell people that they'll be able to buy a watch that can connect to the Internet, play HD video, store thousands of songs, and hold video calls by the next decade and you'd be put in a straitjacket, or be named Ray Kurzweil. And to an 8 year old in 2002, a video watch would be the coolest thing ever. Hell, a video phone would be the coolest thing ever.
Nowadays? Meh.
That being said, I'm about to own one. Mostly for convenience and for exercise, but also for novelty. I'm also going to own a virtual reality headset. And a humanoid robot. So suck it, young me.
The only time Americans use the metric system is when they are trying to make a race seem farther than it is. (5k 10k) ext.
Maybe we should use centimeters when measuring certain parts of the male anatomy.
Thursday, May 12, 2016
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
The Human Brain is like a Computer to which we dont have the Admin rights to. We just have a user Account with Limited access.
So we can run programms like move my arms etc. but we have no right to control our heartbeat for example.
As a straight male, I sincerely hope that every man who is better looking than me is gay.
EDIT: I Should've stocked up on burn cream before I made this thread.
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