#42 The answer to life the universe and everything: August 2016

To be honest, I've always felt that it's unfair that people can form communities based on religion, but it's hard to find a community of non-religious people who just want to do some good in the world but not get together under the name of some religion.

EDIT: Some people are saying, wait, what about volunteer groups? I get that it sounds like that's what I'm describing, but what I'm thinking about is more along the lines or a community who helps its members as well as doing charitable activities. In volunteer groups, you go, do whatever needs to be done, and maybe make some friends. There's also a lot of turnover, because many people just volunteer because they have to do it for school. I think that church communities focus on helping each other through rough times, and people stick around for much longer time periods.

Is it "milk them for all they're worth" or "milk them for all their worth?"

take that grammar nazis

In my life I've purchased at least 50 cans of WD40, right now I can locate two, I've never thrown one away, and I have no idea where the rest went

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Holding an ice cream cone would immediately make anyone look non-threatening.

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I would gladly pay a lot more taxes for free health care, dental, and nutrition programs. I would pay even more for a new system to regulate the current system and end corruption and keep it true.

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Women go through nine months of trying to make sure they have a healthy baby boy and he pops out perfect and the doctor says alrighty then, shall we chop a bit of his dick off?

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If 72 virgins is the reward for blowing yourself in a crowd of innocent people, someone should start a peaceful religion that awards 73 virgins for just being cool.

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If we ever come in contact with aliens I feel like we're just gonna eventually ask each other what the fuck is going on. Like being lost in a labyrinth and finding somebody just as lost.

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Telling someone their stillborn infant is in a better place is equal to saying God kidnapped their baby and is now raising it in a place they will only reach if they do exactly as he commands

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People say they slept like a baby as if it's a good thing. Waking up screaming every two hours doesn't sound that restful to me.

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Saying "a quick Google search showed me that..." when answering someone's question is the passive aggressive way of saying "you could've looked this up yourself".

Just sayin'...

as a non-gamer I feel like there is a good 25% of reddit that I don't appreciate or understand

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Pandora should have a "I like this song but not this version" button.

Mostly because I hate the clean (radio edit) versions of songs.

If North Korea ever does actually launch an attack, people in the future are going to think we were the most oblivious people in history.

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I go on Reddit in the morning to see if there's anything serious happening in the world, because I know if I see "this tomato looks like a duck" on the front page- everything must be okay.

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In Monsters Inc, Boo could have been speaking perfect English, but we hear it as gibberish because we're hearing it from the monsters perspective who speak a different language

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With 7 billion people on Earth, every single day (24 hour period) there is over 19 million years of human experience that occurs.

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The last time I was someone's type, I was donating blood.

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Poverty is like a migraine. People assume it's like any other headache, so they tell you to just "power through it" but don't realize how debilitating it is.

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When I leave a safe gap in front of me on the road, it's not an invitation for you to overtake me and fill it.

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Steam is 13 years old now. It's old enough to have its own Steam account.

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The reason I'm good at talking to people who are down on themselves is because I tell them everything I've wanted to be told myself.

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You are a brain, sitting inside an armoured cockpit, piloting a bone mecha.

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Wednesday, August 24, 2016

the most likely person to own a katana is the least intimidating person to weild a katana

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PokemonGo lasted as long as someone using a new gym membership.

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If you head North and keep going North you'll eventually be going South, but if you head West and keep going West, you'll always be going West.

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I only ever feed my kids dark chocolate. They think chocolate is gross and they never ask for it.

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If everybody agreed to stop posting on Reddit for a week my other social media feeds would be a lot more original

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Pacman is about a dude who has to take drugs to fight the demons chasing him.

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I've never read a science article that says an animal is dumber than we previously thought.

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I wonder if the braille under the "In case of fire use stairs" sign says "You're fucked"

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I've fallen asleep almost every single day since I was born and yet I still don't know how to lose consciousness on command.

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If you are married to a law enforcement officer, you are fulfilling NWA's mission by fucking the police.

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If bananas go extinct, all of our 'banana-for-scale' photos will be very confusing to future generations

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Getting mail as a child is infinitely more fun than getting mail as an adult.

Bills, bills, bills...

Ever wondered how many people have masturbated thinking of you?

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Movie theaters should have aux ports so you can bring your own headphones

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Push up bra is like a bag of chips. Contents may seem full but when you open it, it's half empty and you are disappointed.

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Before making any promise to a girl, masturbate twice. It may change your opinion.

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The biggest lie in taco commercials is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.

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Anything can be a boomerang if you throw it directly upwards

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Almost every adult hand you shake has had a dick in it

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If a sex addict becomes a prostitute, are they then an immediate workaholic?

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Small people tend to save more on soap

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If some of the toys could theoretically die in Toy Story, the human wouldn't know, and would continue to play with the dead toys and the living ones would have to be forced to play with their dead friends.

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When you kill a spider, you're just further assisting their gene pool in becoming more stealthy.

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Windows problem solver has never solved me any problem.

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When inputting a password, I delete the whole thing even if I know which letter I erred on.

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I wonder how many people's last words were, "Whoops!"

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Modern medicine is stunting human evolution by extending the lifespans of the weak and stupid and allowing them to procreate

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Starting to realize that the History Channel is to History what MTV is to music

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If you take a woman to bed and her bra and panties match, I'm sorry to tell you she's the one who planned everything.

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For games, you press start to play; movies, you press play to start.

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There is a teenager in Italy who masturbated for the first time in his/her life just before the earthquake started. He low-key believes it was because of his own degenerate self.

The guilt must be crippling.

I'm semi confident my dog would welcome any intruder into my house with open arms.

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Having a GetMotivated sub on reddit is like holding an AA meeting in a town's favorite pub

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What if there really is a u/deleted going around posting "removed" all over the place?

The thought torments me.

All books are guided meditation. We silently sit and stare and an object, and get lost in another world. And we've been doing it for 6,000 years.

Also brought to you with a little help from r/trees

The tone I interpret from a text is the reflection of my own insecurities with that person.

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There should be a rule that movies can only use footage from the first 20 minutes of the film in the trailer

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Tuesday, August 23, 2016

If only mosquitos sucked fat instead of blood...

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There should be Olympic paintball where countries send there special forces to compete.

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Millennials are mocked for getting participation trophies, but Boomers were the ones handing them out.

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We talk about Ancient Romans like they were basically all the same, but the civilization lasted almost 1000 years. That's like saying people in 2016 and 1016 are basically the same.

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I go to work so I can afford food to eat. I eat so I can have energy to go to work. It's a trap.

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Seasoned players of Monopoly know the real aim is to get defeated as quickly as possible to escape the table.

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The current generation are having "love at first sight moments" on the toilet. Thanks Tinder!

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Daniel Radcliff needs to play a Bond villain at one point in his career

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We live in an age where the least trusted source of news is the media.

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When I turned 10, I realized how dumb everything I said as a young child was. When I turned 20, I realized how dumb everything I said in my teens was. Now I'm realizing why old people don't talk much.

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If you're deaf, every fart is a gamble

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We spend a good amount of time in our homes trying to make it look like no one lives there

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If an alien came up to me one day and said “take me to your leader”, I would have no idea how to accomplish that.

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People who say "I can text and drive just fine" are oblivious to how shitty they drive because they're texting.

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I will spend hundreds of hours on an app but I refuse to take 30 seconds to rate it

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The epitome of gluttony is opening a pint of Ben & Jerry's and throwing the lid away as soon as you do.

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Restaurants should hang their dessert menus on the inside of the bathroom stalls and at the top have it read, "since you're making more room.."

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There are religions that justify people strapping bombs to children yet I'm going to hell for jerking off

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Breastfeeding Moms can turns cheese back into milk.

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Elon Musk should come out with a self-titled Cologne.

I'd buy it.

Being born Is a death sentence

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Mr. Crocker from Fairly Odd Parents never gives a lesson, just constant pop quizzes on stuff he never taught.

No wonder Timmy keeps failing!

If combat in Harry Potter is based on saying spells quickly and at the right time, rappers would basically be the magical Navy SEALs.

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Monday, August 22, 2016

If you're polite on the internet, you must be a really nice person in real life.

edit: *I assume

Smokers allowed breaks at work are just getting an advance on the free time others will have at the ends of their lives.

Apparently I'm cynical this Monday!

Today I beat my personal record for most days lived

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They should hand out a gold medal to the oldest person on earth during each olympics, because life is the toughest sport there is

No way to cheat either, because you cant cheat death.

Being "up" for something is the same as being "down" for something.

Colloquially, up and down are synonyms.

I'm British, but I watch so many American movies I'd probably end up dialling 911 instead of 999 in an emergency.

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They should make episodes of How It's Made where they don't tell you what item they are making until the end.

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I wonder who the lowest level employee is at Area 51

Like there has to janitors or cleaning crew but at the same time these people will have to be on reasonably high wages and have a ridiculous security clearance for their profession.

As a kid I hated going to bed but slept great, as an adult I love going to bed but sleep terrible.

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My dog has no way of understanding the concept of pizza delivery, so to her it must seem like some stranger shows up every few weeks, gives me pizza, and then leaves

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I really wish there was a better way to meet your favourite celebrity other than having cancer.

do they accept birthday wishes?

There should be an app like tinder but for jobs. Like hey you have 42 jobs that meet your qualifications near you. Then the company can swipe left for awful applications.

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When Stan Lee dies, all the Marvel movie characters should mention they have funerals to attend for their postman/doorman/friend/stripclub DJ and then be very confused when they all show up at the same one.

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Most of my targeted ads are for things I just recently bought, which seems redundant

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Spiders are just web developers that are happy to find bugs

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I used to be too lazy to make a sandwich so I'd go get fast food. Now I'm too lazy to go get fast food so I make a sandwich.

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Every time you pick up a coin, you're being paid to clean up after the person that dropped it

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I'm not a morning person, but my dick sure is

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If fish keep declining, future generations will think “plenty of fish in the sea” is a sarcastic quip meaning they will never find anyone.

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The kind of police force that honestly can't figure out Bruce Wayne is Batman, probably serves the type of city that needs Batman

My showerthought was that what if everyone actually knew Bruce was Batman, but they just kinda let him keep going, to make him feel better. You know, dead parents and all....

Someone should start an uber-like service just with pick up trucks to help move beds or pick up big packages.

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To ask, "If we evolved from apes, then why are there still apes?" is akin to asking, "If America was colonized by the British, then why are there still British?"

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Social media sites should add a "grace period" so if you like the wrong post by accident, you can immediately unlike it without the person getting a notification.

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The opportunity to take my car to get washed by a bunch of bikini clad college girls seemed to be a lot more promising when I was a kid in the 80s.

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Sunday, August 21, 2016

Saying "I lost the stylus for my tablet" would've still made sense over 2000 years ago.

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The man claiming he'll bring jobs back is best known for firing people

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People would laugh at the idea of watching an 8 hour movie but have no problem binge-watching a Netflix series that long.

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Why do porn websites have a share to social media option? As if I want Alyssa from high school to know what I've become

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Imagine if aliens actually visited earth, but during the jurrasic era, saw a t-rex and just noped their way out of here.

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Diabetes is one disease where a sugar pill isn't a placebo

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I've seen dozens of change.org petitions but never heard of a single one making any difference.

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Horses went from pulling the cart to getting towed around in trailers. That's a pretty good deal.

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What if the washer is actually the one stealing socks, and we've been wrongfully blaming the drier all of this time?

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King Kong was the original Harambe

He got shot down for trying to protect an innocent person.

Foot fetishes are like clown phobias. I don't have either, but sometimes I can kind of understand why people would.

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People who say video games are a waste of time are probably the same people who watch reality TV and play Candy Crush.

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Micheal Phelps isn't a merman, he's just a pirate, here to take everyone's gold.

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A single piece of corn is technically a unicorn.

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Usain Bolt spent his whole life training and preparing for the 114 seconds he spent in races winning Olympic gold medals.

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If you forget to add the second " to a quote, you're citing for the rest of your life.

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My Reddit goal is to have a friend share a post of mine and not know it was submitted by me.

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The good thing about being a Michael Jackson impersonator is that it doesn't matter if you're black or white

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When I don't understand what someone said, I feel like it's my fault. When someone doesn't understand what I said, I feel like it's my fault.

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Big supermarkets should have baskets placed around the store for that moment when I realize I can't carry another thing and should have got a basket

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I will be remembered by less people than a gorilla when I die

Harambe

when an ad pops up in the middle of a Youtube video, I think it actually causes people to not want that product even more than before.

Youtube ads...

Adults tell kids scary stories around a campfire so they'll be too scared to wander away from the campsite alone.

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Before video games the statement "Fuck I died" was probably never said by anyone

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Saturday, August 20, 2016

It's amazing how much authority a parking cone has.

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When I was younger, I privately worried that I was a sexual deviant because of the thoughts that ran through my head. But thanks to Internet porn, I discovered that, not only am I normal, I am downright vanilla.

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An "unlimited minutes per month" phone plan really only gives you 44,640 minutes per month at best

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I know I'm getting old, because I don't know how Twitter, Instagram, or Snapchat work, and I'm okay with that.

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Patriotism is not about loving your country blindly. It is about accepting its flaws and solving them little by little

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If you made French toast out of a hot dog bun, you could lay a banana inside and eat it like a breakfast hot dog

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They should put a Braille dot on USB cables so you plug them in the first time every time.

I'm tired of the eternal fight..

Music is sculpted air pressure

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The real hero of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is Will's mom because she forced him to move out of a dangerous city at the first sign of problems.

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If someone tells you that you're the pineapple to their pizza, you don't know if it's a really good or really bad thing.

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The Olympic Games are the biggest sporting event in the world, yet most of the sports they play are so niche that everybody forgets they exist until the next Olympics.

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What if the IOC bought a Greek Island to save Greece's economy and host the Olympics permanently, so we couldn't cripple other economies that host the Olympics?

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It's crazy how we pass our birthday every year and we know that on that day we were born, but we also pass the day we will die every year and have no clue

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It's sad that when I see something on the news, I don't believe it right away because of how manipulative the media is.

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It's crazy that's there's this giant thing in the sky all the time that we're not supposed to look at.

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I'll bet that spider's just as pissed as I am that I walked through its web.

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I wonder how many nudes and dick pics Team Snapchat have got...

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As a 37 year old, I'm a little disappointed that no teenager has ever asked me to buy them booze

Even though I'd probably say no because I don't want to get in trouble.

If the United States was a video game, Hawaii and Alaska would be DLC.

They were added last, they're not part of the main game world, you need to go through a loading screen to get to them, and they both feature exotic climates not present in the original game.

People who use Imgur but not Reddit ("Imgurians") are like rat people who live in the sewer and insist that it is far better than the city above.

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Two people born at the same time could have different birthdays because of different time zones.

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Usain Bolt, has had less than 5 and a half minutes of "game time" in his whole Olympic career. About the same as injury time added to the average football game.

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One day internet threads will have time marks of something like "50 years ago". It would be like us reading a conversation between people in the 1960's.

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Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte just showed us how ridiculous it is that marijuana use is criminalized while alcohol use is widely accepted and sometimes even celebrated.

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It's amazing how my brain can construct these highly detailed and vivid scenes during dreams, yet I can't seem to draw a stick figure better than your average 7 year-old.

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People who claim to be brutally honest are more concerned with the brutality than the honesty.

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I wonder how many people I have accidentally killed due to the butterfly effect.

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The people who frequently make it on the front page in this sub probably have an extremely high water bill.

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Couples who know the exact date of their child's conception aren't having a lot of sex

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Friday, August 19, 2016

We admire hair when its on someone's head but the second it is no longer attached to the head it becomes gross.

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One day someone is going to have to explain "Dick's out for Harambe" to the child that fell into his enclosure.

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I am pretty sure that most of the adults who told me wiki is a terrible source, now use viral facebook posts for most of their "news sources".

Looking at you Huffington Post and Buzzfeed and "Now This"

Star wars is basically about one family fucking up the whole galaxy

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Mankind has gone from tablets to scrolls and now we're scrolling on tablets.

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There is no bigger failure of purpose than eyelashes falling into your eye.

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The words in the phrase "Right Turn Only" can be arranged in any way and still make sense.

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Can we all just take a moment to appreciate that Google is free

Yeah yeah there are ads, but it's essentially free.

I don't have a headache. Thank goodness. You know, I never really appreciate not having a headache until I actually have a headache, so I should probably enjoy this moment

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Look at your bookshelf, that is likely the only place on earth those books are together and organized in that order.

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Aliens don't exists will be "the world is flat" of the future.

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I wonder how many times I've been the subject of a "Hey, look at that guy, but don't make it obvious" situation.

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Maybe the battery wouldn't die so fast if it didn't beep and flash a light every 5 seconds to tell me it's about to die.

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I hate any shampoo company that shapes their bottles in a way that makes it impossible to put them down upside down

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When divorce is done right a child goes from one unhappy home to two happy homes.

Edit: hang in there

Harambe is like a real-life version of "Lil Sebastian"

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Taxes are like a subscription to your Country that you can't cancel, no matter how bad the service gets.

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100 years ago children used to be forced to mine coal, now they do it for fun in minecraft.

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If cloning existed, having the same lawyer on prosecution and defense would make things much more fair.

Edit: I meant cloning more in the cartoonish sense. The subject would walk into the machine or something similar, and an exact copy, with the exact same memories, personality and body (age) came out.

The ultimate betrayal is when the box that holds the trash bags gets thrown into the last one

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Bugs have the entire sky to fly in, but still decided to fly into my face

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I wonder how often people who work at the patent office say to themselves, "I should have thought of that".

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Everything posted in r/food is a shit post, eventually.

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This would be the absolute perfect time to actually rob Ryan Lochte.

"No, seriously tho..."

Thursday, August 18, 2016

If we gave the special forces of each country paintball guns, we would have a pretty cool Olympic event on our hands.

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Supermarkets with self check out are like walk-in vending machines

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I smile at dogs more than I smile at humans.

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A ton of cars is about half a car.

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49 Percent of the world is female yet i assume everything said on Reddit was from a male

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It would be kind of horrifying if the concept of "baby teeth" applied to any other part of the body.

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Growing up, I thought being sprayed by skunks was going to be a much more common occurrence in my life than it is.

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Some people think that calling a bf 'Daddy' is disgusting but calling them 'baby' is ok

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As a bartender I don't think twice about serving someone 8-10 rum and cokes over the course of a night, but if someone ordered 8-10 cokes, I would think, what the fuck is wrong with this guy?

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As a college student, I am never thankful enough to the individuals who go out of their way to put the latest edition of a textbook online for me to be able to pirate

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I feel uncomfortable calling someone from Mexico a "Mexican," or calling someone who follows Judaism a "Jew," even though they are technically correct terms, because assholes use those words as derogatory insults.

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The tallest person alive has been the same height as every single person in the world at one point.

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If God created humankind in his image, and to be rational and reasonable thinkers, then he would expect us to question his existence, based on factual evidence. Maybe the real test to get into heaven is not to believe in God.

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I will live forever or die trying

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No Man's Sky is basically running around planets full of nothing but people's forgotten Spore creatures.

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Rednecks wear mullets so they don't get their necks red

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The funniest guy in the room is usually smart, but the smartest guy in the room usually isn't very funny.

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I own a human skeleton

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Now that I am 30 I am amazed my parents had me when they were 20. I was masturbating in a drunk tank and getting fired from jobs for falling asleep at that age.

and now I am investing all my money in the lottery. Still not ready for kids xD

If you're going to kill yourself, hire a hit man to do it. It will be exciting to get chased for awhile.

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There should be a code that you can send to your phone to turn off silent so you can find it when it's lost

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During car rides as a kid, I'd imagine a little ninja running alongside on the road to pass the time

I would think about a figure jumping from car to car, dodging obstacles and doing all sorts of neat tricks. Sometimes he/she would be fighting other guys while running.

I have been a pizza deliveryman for 72 hours. So far, exactly zero sexy babysitters have answered the door. I feel like I've been cheated, somehow.

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A baby chicken is a chick. An adult chicken is a hen. chick-hen

wakka waka

Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade is going to suck...

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In highschool if someone finishes a test way before anyone else they knew their shit. In university if someone finishes a test before everyone else, they didn't know anything.

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What if Harambe was shot by a time traveller to prevent planet of the apes becoming reality

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When I leave for work, my cat probably thinks I'm just standing in a different room for 8 hours

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Mobile keyboard space bars should have two parts - one part is if you want autocorrect to correct you, and the other part is if you don't want autocorrect to correct you

EDIT: no way. Thanks 4 gold!

People use variations of "yes" a lot during sex, but it'd be awkward if they said "yep" or "certainly".

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I can't remember the last time world peace was talked about except in a beauty competition.

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I haven't clicked "page 2" on my Google researches for years.

The internet is getting bigger every second but with the centralisation of information on major sites, the effort of getting the information we need is smaller than ever. Scary what this thing called internet has become.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

In about 50 years, Zero-G will be an online porn category.

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People who ask late-sleepers what time they woke up aren't actually interested in the answer. They just want to feel superior for choosing to sleep at a more convention time.

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People thinks it's crazy that an elephant can be scared by a mouse, but so many people are scared of insects.

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If you die in the same hospital you were born in, your total displacement will be 0.

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I never understood how people could kill their loved ones over money or property until I played Monopoly.

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In the Harry Potter world, why is there no magic spell to correct his vision?

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I used to take breaks from work to read Reddit, now I take breaks from Reddit to do work.

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If you live past 112, you get to be a teenager again.

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If Goldfish only have 6 second memories, a single Vine could provide a lifetime of constant entertainment

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I spend 1% of the time feeling confident and the other 99% trying to figure out how to get that feeling back.

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What if police brutality has not increased but the amount of smartphones with cameras filming them?

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Wouldn't it be nice if car horns had multiple honk types (gentle to get attention, a hello honk, the necessary fuck you honk, etc)? Emotihonks?

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Life gets weird when you start to see adults as grown up kids rather than adults

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People who say "If you can't love yourself, then nobody can" are indirectly saying "Nobody loves you" to people with low self-esteem

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Why on earth are cereal bags not Ziploc yet?

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Girls always say it's "gross" that I used to work at a porn shop and that it must have had a lot of "creepy" guys - 95% of the customers were female buying sex toys. Guys mostly bought bongs.

...come to think of it, almost everything in any adult novelty store I've visited is geared toward women. There's always a tiny little "guys" section that's collecting dust.