Saturday, December 31, 2016
I'd gladly get knocked out in 48 seconds for $3 million.
Peanut is a great way to describe the two things a penis can do.
We as a society really take Wikipedia for granted. It's seriously one of the greatest things ever created.
So much information sharing, all for free, and with no ads. Next time the donation banners pop up, I'm pitching in 20 bucks.
The more fun a pilot has, the less fun the passengers have
I'm really grateful that ass hiccups aren't a thing
or any kind of lower-digestion equivalent to hiccups.
Charlie Chaplin once said we think too much and feel too little. I think that was his generation's problem. My generation's version should be we feel to much and think too little...
Edit: I'm 20
Edit 2: Missed a letter
Friday, December 30, 2016
Mermaids would probably smell terrible.
As an organ donor I'm more valuable dead than alive
I have never seen a policeman using an umbrella.
I think a good idea for a Weird Al album title would be The Weird Al-Bum.
Actually did have this thought in the shower!
Being on Ellen is the best funeral a meme could ask for
You have to be odd to be number one.
Thursday, December 29, 2016
As an adult, I am excited about mundane household purchases. Like a humidifier.
I spend hours researching just the right one and wait with barely contained excitement for it to arrive. Kitchen gadgets, bed sheets, slippers, anything, really...
Do centaurs suckle with the human nipples or the horse nipples?
Butter is just abused milk.
Physically assaulted until it is hard and salty.
Home is where the toilet paper is the softest
Most people start and end their year drunk.
Edit: I knew I would get shit for saying most but I did it anyways because it sounded best. I know the people of reddit too well.
It's not premarital sex if you never marry them.
Wednesday, December 28, 2016
If my girlfriend decided to kill me by strangling me I'd probably be into it at first
Some early onset rigor mortis would follow
The Internet has the ability to make people smarter but all it ends up doing is connect them with others who reinforce their ignorance.
Weird phrasing. I'm not saying it's the Internet's fault. I'm saying people could use the Internet for the attainment of knowledge, but instead they just seek out people with their own beliefs.
If Cinderella's shoe fit perfect, it would've never fallen off.
In my dreams I have the softest punches
I love sleep, but always procrastinate sleeping.
Cigarettes are good for the environment because they kill humans
After calling 4 different home security companies I decided it's cheaper to get robbed.
Not a shower thought, just a sad thought.
Cup holders are just cup cups.
Tuesday, December 27, 2016
If you watch porn then shaming pornstars for being in porn is like shaming the players in your favorite sports team
And yet so many people do it.
When I first heard of "Ariana Grande" I thought we were talking about a font.
Credit to my BIL for that one.
Monday, December 26, 2016
To spell Panda you just need P and A
Kids born after 2010 will never know the feeling of a buying a complete video game
Micro Transactions are running wild.
All though freezing rain can be annoying we should be grateful there isn't boiling rain.
Edit: Sorry about the spelling of although, I can't change the title.
Your credit card pin is 4820
Well, probably not but I just scared the shit out of every 10.000th person
When you forget your password for a site, instead of having to go through changing it again, they should just remind you of the ridiculous requirements they made you meet so you can deduce which of your 6 passwords you used for that specific site.
Unless you do laundry naked, you're never 100% done.
Sunday, December 25, 2016
If a zombie apocalypse happens in Vegas, does it stay in Vegas?
Eating meat is just eating grass with a middleman
Saturday, December 24, 2016
Silly refrigerator magnets were 20th century memes
I just made a bunch of people say "oyster" in their head
As a parent Xmas eve would be far less stressful if the story was that Santa gave the parents the presents to put under the tree.
That midnight ninja present drop. Stressful.
I lost interest in praying to God since I have to thank him for my successes but cant blame him for my failures.
I just wish I could do both at least :(
Birds chirping is a lot less cute when you realize they're basically screaming "HAVE SEX WITH ME!" At the top of their lungs.
Either that or they're yelling,
"GET OFF OF MY LAND"
The most effective caffeine is waking up and realizing I'm late.
Nothing is on fire, fire is on things.
I don't believe in Mrs. Claus. I think she was invented because people couldn't handle the idea of an unmarried elderly man watching children all year long then giving them presents based on his own deluded judgement of naughty and nice.
Friday, December 23, 2016
All Lego Jedi are constantly using force choke
Woody Woodpecker is synonymous with Dick Dickdick.
As a kid I was never allowed to eat in the living room but I did anyways. I never got caught because I never spilled. I never spilled because I was always super careful. I was always super careful because I wasn't allowed to eat in the living room... well played dad.
Imagine how low NY property prices are in the Marvel universe
If santa keeps a record of the "naughty" kids each "year" and the year doesn't start till the first of January..then that leaves the 6 days after Christmas and before New Years undocumented...nothing you do in that time can be held against you.
Just so you guys know when to commit all your crimes.
I before E, except after C, or sounding like A, as in neighbor or weigh. Or if it's weird. Or counterfeit, or feisty, or foreign, or protein, or deficient, or caffeine, or leisure, or glacier, or science, or seize, or deficient, or HOLY F%#K THIS RULE IS TOTAL GARBAGEEEEE!
Milk is a flavor of chocolate but chocolate is a flavor of milk.
"Cowboy" sounds manly. "Cowman" sounds deranged.
I've never seen a cop eating a donut in my entire life
Every time I spot a spelling error online, I look at my keyboard to check if the letters are adjacent.
Most of my errors are caused by "fat finger syndrome" as well.
NSFW tags are basically clickbait
Thursday, December 22, 2016
The last time I was someone's type, I was donating blood.
The worst torture is to make me listen to my own voice recorded.
The Bible very conveniently skips Jesus's teenage years.
"Wussy" is the pussy way of saying pussy.
If you're deaf, every fart is a gamble
The only time I've ever clicked on an ad was by accident
There are two types of lazy people in this world: those too lazy to walk a long distance, who'd rather spend more time looking for the best parking spot; and those too lazy to spend the effort looking for the best parking spot, who'd rather park far away and walk further.
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
Do regular dogs see police dogs and get worried?
The UPS driver is the closest person in reality to Santa Claus.
A religion is really just a cult that "made it"
My ability to proofread increases by 1000% after I hit "Submit".
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
Technically we're all half centaur
Porn videos should be muted by default
Pop-up ads are the Zubats of the internet.
There are people in school today who are younger than my Runescape account.
Coming up to 8 years.
When my puppy dreams about me, do I speak human, or do I bark?
My will to stay alive in games is stronger than it is in real life.
Life sucks, games get me by.
Monday, December 19, 2016
You're probably procrastinating right now.
I only realise how gross my car is when someone else gets in it
Some day we will be known as an ancient civilization.
What if ALL the aliens in our universe peacefully coexist together, but they found Earth and saw that we couldn't even unite as a planet so they didn't contact us because they didn't want us ruin the nice thing they have going for them.
They should put TLDR for the Terms and Conditions
For people in wheelchairs, every laugh is a ROFL.
As a cat with no job, no school, or any other responsibilities, Garfield has no reason to hate Mondays.
But hey, at least it makes him marketable.
Sunday, December 18, 2016
Morning dew should be the female equivalent of morning wood.
What other kinds of nog are there? Or is it just egg?
"I'm full" is the ultimate 1st world problem.
I would listen to Bob Ross paint on the radio.
The 5 second rule doesn't apply to soup.
Saturday, December 17, 2016
We need to see the world as Airport Security does. We see a large bottle, they see a liquid bomb. We see nail clippers, they see a dangerous weapon. If you're ever feeling useless, inconsequential, and insignificant, just remember that Airport Security sees the vast capabilities within you.
Snow is probably the best representation of how little things eventually build up
Nope, that's it, that's all you get.
I prefer my cookies medium-rare
If we were honest, this would be /r/Toiletthoughts.
I can't read "What is love" to myself in my own voice, and that disturbs me.
Baby don't hurt me...
Country music is just "farm emo" music.
Friday, December 16, 2016
As a Dad, I wish developers would make a game where player two helps you just by mashing random buttons
bonus points if the controller's gyroscope is used to determine when the kid will inevitably throw the controller to the ground.
Thursday, December 15, 2016
PewDiePie has more subscribers now than there were humans in all of Europe in the 10th century
...and almost a quarter of those in the entire world in year 0.
Neither icing nor frosting is cold.
Christmas feels more like a deadline than a holiday.
Morbid, but I think there should be an institution where those who want to die (for whatever reason) can be euthanized, and their organs/ blood are donated to those in need of a new kidney or heart or ear.
Those who don't want to be alive don't have to live, and those who do want to live (especially kids) would have the opportunity to. Sounds outlandish, but is it really that crazy?
I have a recurring character in my dreams who explains complex science to me. I know nothing about science so my brain is just writing his bullshit scripts on the fly.
I wish I could harness that IRL.
At what point does a spoon become a shovel
What if "Incognito Mode" is really just the NSA "on-button"?
Jehovah Witnesses are real life pop ups
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
Most orchestras are just 1800's cover bands.
One gram of Bill Gates is worth almost $60,000 USD.
Pandas are living proof that you can be fat by just eating salad
Tuesday, December 13, 2016
Youtube ads never seem to buffer
A clean browser history is the dirtiest of them all
I'm really happy my teeth don't taste like anything.
As a kid, your parents make sure the content that you view/hear is appropriate. As a young adult, I now have to make sure content I want to show my parents is appropriate for them.
Thought about this when I went to show my mom an episode of Rick and Morty.
$15 at Starbuck's over a week doesn't faze me, but a $15 bottle of nice shampoo that lasts for two months has me questioning my life choices
[edit] Woah, 3 karma this morning, 4500+ and counting a few hours later. I'm fucking famous. [edit] Obligatory "RIP, my inbox"
Head & Shoulders should sell a body wash named Knees & Toes.
Monday, December 12, 2016
Every time I eat or drink I'm saving my own life.
If animals suddenly grew very large, thus making humans tiny in comparison, your dog would still recognize you as its owner and remain loyal. Your cat would probably eat you.
And I'm saying this as a cat person. My Jelly Bean wouldn't even think twice.
The Lego Batman movie is a movie based on a video game, based on another video game, based on a popular movie franchise, based on a comic spun off from another comic, and also based on a popular children's toy…..sort of.
Can you imagine going back in time to 1939 and trying to explain this Bob Kane and Bill Finger.
Is baker just short for bread maker?
The biggest mysteries on reddit are [deleted] comment chains.
Isn't the Sun technically a "Space.....Heater"?
Gay people depend on straight people to make more gays.
Shawshank Redemtion: When Andy is telling Red about his dream to move to Zihuatanejo and buy a boat Red tells Andy that he shouldn't waste his time on 'shitty pipedreams'. Andy literally crawls through a shitty pipe in order to fulfil is dream
Sunday, December 11, 2016
Having a dog is buying a best friends that you have to tie to a leash to prevent from running away.
Love dogs though! EDIT: It's just a thought about how weird our relationship with our pets are. Not how badly dogs behave.