Every year when I see the 'NYE' acronym I read "New York...ah fuck"

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I'd gladly get knocked out in 48 seconds for $3 million.

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Staying up until midnight is a terrible way to get a fresh start to a new year.

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Sending an angry text message, making a typo and then sending another one to correct your typo is the text message equivalent of storming out of the house in anger and going back inside because you forgot your keys

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Interventions are definitely a sign that people are talking about you behind your back.

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When people become comfortable with self-driving cars, the interiors will start to look like the backs of limousines. Everyone facing each other, little amenities like a fridge or space to put games, etc.

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If 12 is a dozen and 13 is a baker's dozen, 18 should be a devil's dozen (because it's three sixes).

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Peanut is a great way to describe the two things a penis can do.

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If someone insults me, I'll remember it for the whole day. If someone compliments me, I'll remember it for 5 minutes.

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We as a society really take Wikipedia for granted. It's seriously one of the greatest things ever created.

So much information sharing, all for free, and with no ads. Next time the donation banners pop up, I'm pitching in 20 bucks.

I often end my texts without a period because adding one makes it seem like I'm angry.

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As a wife and mother, it's a sobering thought that everyone who lives in my house has been inside of my vagina.

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Ronda Rousey got paid $62,500 per second for 48 seconds to get her ass kicked.

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The more fun a pilot has, the less fun the passengers have

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Maybe plants are farming us, giving us oxygen to breathe so we can die and turn into mulch for them.

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I'm really grateful that ass hiccups aren't a thing

or any kind of lower-digestion equivalent to hiccups.

Gang members could probably get a lot more crime done if they didn't look like gang members

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Charlie Chaplin once said we think too much and feel too little. I think that was his generation's problem. My generation's version should be we feel to much and think too little...

Edit: I'm 20

Edit 2: Missed a letter

The entire Indiana Jones franchise could be the result of Han Solo dreaming while frozen in carbonite.

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The length of my beard stubble measures the time since my last mildly-important human interaction.

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I do the best job cleaning my teeth right before going to have my teeth professionally cleaned

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Every once in awhile, I try to move something with my mind, just in case

You never know

In video games there should be a "oh you haven't played in over 6 months? Here's a quick tutorial on the controls and a recap of the story thus far" option.

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People cheering and celebrating new year's in each time zone as it hits 12:00am is like participating in a worldwide 'wave'.

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There is not a more terrifying moment in life than when the toilet doesn't flush at someone else's house after going number 2.

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Mermaids would probably smell terrible.

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As an organ donor I'm more valuable dead than alive

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I am least comfortable wearing my most comfortable clothes in public

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The more relatable buzzfeed tries to be the more people hate them

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I have never seen a policeman using an umbrella.

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Changing all the verbs into past tense on Wikipedia when a person dies seems like a very sad job.

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I'm attracted to people who are who are non-conventionally beautiful, but I think that no one would be attracted to me because I'm in not conventionally beautiful.

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I think a good idea for a Weird Al album title would be The Weird Al-Bum.

Actually did have this thought in the shower!

Telling my Echo to tell my Roomba to start working creates a weird robotic hierarchy in my household

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If you switch the "n" and "f" in Queen Latifa, it's Queef Latina.

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If people read articles every day like they did on April Fool's day, very critically, then we'd have less of a problem with fake news.

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Pretty soon, Someone's going to get offended Santa is a boy and there will be a push for female mall Santas.

Jolly ol' Saint Nikki

When an actors current role is to be dead, I always watch their chest closely to see if I can spot them breathing.

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While on hold for an extended period of time, you should have the option to talk with other people on hold if you want.

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I've used adblock so long, I've forgotten how different the internet really looks.

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The way we picture aliens is the way apes see us: lighter skin, bigger brains and less hair.

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Being on Ellen is the best funeral a meme could ask for

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Wizards are associated with wizardry, but infants are very much not associated with infantry

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As a student, getting cash at christmas feels like passing GO in monopoly when you're basically bankrupt

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When a YouTuber asks me to subscribe to their channel in a video, it makes me 99% less likely to actually subscribe.

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If I received a blood donation from the Queen of England, would that put me in line for the throne?

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When i walk in a shop and leave without buying anything i always feel like the security or people that work there think i stole something

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This entire time I've been reading FTFY as "Fuck This, Fuck You" when it's actually "Fixed That For You".

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What if sleeping is our natural state, and we only wake up to gather information for our dreams?

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You have to be odd to be number one.

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Tranquilizing animals and putting tracking devices on them for research is the same scenario that humans describe when they depict being abducted by aliens.

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I would get into trouble as a kid, if I swore in front of an adult... Now that I've grown up, I get into trouble if I swear in front of a kid.

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As an adult, I am excited about mundane household purchases. Like a humidifier.

I spend hours researching just the right one and wait with barely contained excitement for it to arrive. Kitchen gadgets, bed sheets, slippers, anything, really...

The voice in your head can scream, whisper, and speak normally, but it's always at the same volume.

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When I was Single I wanted sex, now that I'm married all I want is to be able to play video games...

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Do centaurs suckle with the human nipples or the horse nipples?

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Butter is just abused milk.

Physically assaulted until it is hard and salty.

Home is where the toilet paper is the softest

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I still feel like I'm lying when I tell a site I'm over 18 even though I'm 20 years old.

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When Snoop Dog dies, the best headline will be, "Snoop has puff puff passed away".

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There should be a paired TV show. One of the shows follows the good guys and what they do while the other show follows the bad guys and what they do. Each week shows the same story from two different perspectives.

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Most people start and end their year drunk.

Edit: I knew I would get shit for saying most but I did it anyways because it sounded best. I know the people of reddit too well.

Shouldn't "my time of the month" be when I'm NOT bleeding out of my vagina?

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When I am dreaming, my brain doesn'tsee the scares and plot twists coming even when it is the one creating them.

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I sometimes playfully accuse my girlfriend of checking guys out... Realized it's only when I think the guy is hot.

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It's not premarital sex if you never marry them.

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It's funny how as technology and cameras have improved, UFOs don't seem that keen on visiting us anymore

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This current teenage generation isn't dumber than mine, we were just lucky that we didn't have easy access to video cameras to document our stupid stuff.

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We can probably get rid of any species on earth just by telling the Chinese that eating it will give you an erection.

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If cats knew we were taking pictures of them and sharing them on the internet, they would probably be creeped out.

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If a group of necrophyliacs met a group of zombies, who would do the chasing??

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Everyone is astonished with the number of famous deaths this year, but with the rise of tv and rock and roll through the 1950's and 60's the number of old celebrities has risen dramatically.

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There should be certain requirements one should meet before having the right to have children.

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When I'm at work I can think of a million things I'd rather be doing, but when I have free time I often can't think of one.

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The "In Memoriam" at next year's Oscars will be big enough to be it's own show.

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If we ever figure out how to travel back in time, I'm mainly going to use it to settle "who said what" arguments with my SO.

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It really sucks that Debbie Reynolds lived JUST long enough to suffer the loss of her child.

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Of course I go to bed at 9, Im a grown ass man and sleep is life.

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Harry Potter went to a school full of wizards and wizards-in-training, and NO ONE knew a spell or potion to cure his eyesight?

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When you buy a bigger bathtub you have more bath room but less bathroom.

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Imagine if we reacted to the deaths of scientists, mathematicians, and inventors, like we do for movie stars and musicians.

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Every time a driver doesn't dim their lights immediately I assume they're a jerk. Every time I forget to dim I feel like a terrible person and apologize out loud.

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Based on people's assumptions about me sexuality when I beat them in a video game - homosexuals must be gifted at online games.

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When you sort a porn subreddit by top you're also sorting by hot

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When you take your cup out of the cup holder, you become the cup holder.

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If my girlfriend decided to kill me by strangling me I'd probably be into it at first

Some early onset rigor mortis would follow

I wish other religions would advertise that I need their gods - because seeing a " No Dionysus - no parties. Know Dionysus - KNOW PARTIES!" billboard would totally make my day.

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The Internet has the ability to make people smarter but all it ends up doing is connect them with others who reinforce their ignorance.

Weird phrasing. I'm not saying it's the Internet's fault. I'm saying people could use the Internet for the attainment of knowledge, but instead they just seek out people with their own beliefs.

Why do people always talk about the shroud Jesus was wrapped in, or the spear he was stabbed with? Why not the cabinets and shit that he built? Those were probably magical as shit.

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No matter how legitimately thrilled I am by a gift, I always feel like my "thank you"s don't sound genuine

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If Cinderella's shoe fit perfect, it would've never fallen off.

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Karma is "worthless Internet points" monetarily, but it shows human nature's desire for others to appreciate what we've done.

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Funny WiFi addresses are the new funny answering machine messages.

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In my dreams I have the softest punches

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I love sleep, but always procrastinate sleeping.

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It's funny, most of the guys who kiss sleeping/ presumably dead girls in Disney movies are idolized. While ones in the real world are in prison.

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It's not that I'm shy, it's just that sometimes I genuinely am not interested in the conversation and have nothing to say about the topic.

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Cigarettes are good for the environment because they kill humans

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If I live long enough, I will someday be a 70+ year old man who regularly says, "dude."

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Never has a generation so diligently documented themselves accomplishing so little.

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After calling 4 different home security companies I decided it's cheaper to get robbed.

Not a shower thought, just a sad thought.

Cup holders are just cup cups.

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Masturbation is probably the only DIY project you will start and actually finish.

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If I get a pickle with a meal I pay for, I'll defend it with my life. But the pickles in my fridge haven't been touched in a year.

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In public, whenever I step a certain way or rub against something and it makes a fart sound, I immediately do it a few more times so everyone will know I didn't actually fart.

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"RIP" has become such a commonly used saying for many reasons, that actually saying "RIP" in regards to someone passing away almost feels like I'm being rude or insensitive.

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Elf on a shelf just makes our kids comfortable with a surveillance state.

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During childhood, we are told that jokes about genital areas are adult content, but once we become adults, these jokes are considered "childish"

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Setting your phone to airplane mode isn't nearly as awesome as it sounds.

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Whats the point of saying Tuna fish? We know tuna is a fish, not like we say burger cow

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Sitting down and playing video games is considered unhealthy but sitting down and reading a book is not.

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A sure sign of getting older is when your view of Romeo and Juliet changes from "So romantic and tragic!" to "Those stupid kids."

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I check my email multiple times each day, only to delete 99% of them without reading them.

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I haven't even left for work yet and I am already pumped to come home and take a nap.

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When medication says "do not operate heavy machinery" they're probably mainly referring to cars, but my mind always goes to forklift.

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If I'm lucky, the seat belt I put on every time I get in a vehicle will continue to be useless.

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I wish ads knew you purchased their product so they get out of your face all the time

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If you watch porn then shaming pornstars for being in porn is like shaming the players in your favorite sports team

And yet so many people do it.

I hate the phrase "You clean up nice" because it implies I look like shit the rest of the time.

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One of the most ironic jobs out there has to be a spot on the marketing team for AdBlock

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An awful lot of people think they'll survive the zombie apocalypse when they can't even avoid the common cold.

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I instant lose all motivation when im in the middle lf doing something and someone tells me to do said thing

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I find replying to an insult easier than replying to a compliment

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I don't really give a damn if people don't like me, but I take offense when a dog snubs me.

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I wouldn't be surprised if the "We Get it You Vape" and "Vapers Are Pussies" memes are actually viral marketing by tobacco companies to discourage people from making the switch.

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When I first heard of "Ariana Grande" I thought we were talking about a font.

Credit to my BIL for that one.

If my dog could cry real tears, I doubt I'd have the emotional strength to ever leave my house.

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If it only takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something, why are there so many drivers that don't even reach the level of crappy.

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I should eat a handful of popcorn kernels right before I die so the cremation gets a little bit more interesting.

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When I have kids, I'm going to put a fake skeleton in the fireplace along with a burnt up Santa suit, and convince them that I forgot the fire on in the fireplace overnight, and I accidentally killed Santa.

Ultimate Prank Bro.

To spell Panda you just need P and A

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When we are in a rush, we get mad at people not in a rush. When we are not in a rush, we get mad at people in a rush.

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When Weird Al inevitably dies, I hope that the artists he has parodied will come together and cover his songs.

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People who brag about having a secret admirer are basically bragging that someone is ashamed to publicaly admit they like them.

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Kids born after 2010 will never know the feeling of a buying a complete video game

Micro Transactions are running wild.

You ever wake up at 3 am thirsty as hell and water tastes like it came straight from the river of Jesus?

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Sometimes I get buried so deeply into comments, I forget what the original post was

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Becoming an adult is like reaching max level in MMOs. There's so much more content available but for the most part you just grind endlessly.

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I often judge people's computer skills by the speed they double click, and I'm right almost every time

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All though freezing rain can be annoying we should be grateful there isn't boiling rain.

Edit: Sorry about the spelling of although, I can't change the title.

Your credit card pin is 4820

Well, probably not but I just scared the shit out of every 10.000th person

When you forget your password for a site, instead of having to go through changing it again, they should just remind you of the ridiculous requirements they made you meet so you can deduce which of your 6 passwords you used for that specific site.

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I spend way too much time trying to find the "right" porn only to come back to one I've already seen.

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What if Stephen Hawking's computer generated voice was taken over by artificial intelligence decades ago and is just using him as a puppet?

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People talk about how fast Santa must be to cover the world in one night, but nobody ever talks about how fast the grim reaper must work 24/7

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Today marks a lot of people's 20-year anniversary with the Nintendo 64.

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Why would we know Dasher and Dancer, Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid, Donner and Blitzen, but not recall the most famous reindeer of all?

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There's 2 kinds of people in this world, those who brake immediately upon seeing brake lights in front of them, and those who take their foot off the gas and think "let's see how this goes".

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The opening credits of the "Assassins' Creed" movie should be Michael Fassbender running in circles around a white room

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Everyone is going to be very disappointed when famous people keep dying in 2017

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If you could pause time, there would be no way to measure “how long” it was paused for.

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If you buy a used prosthetic hand, you bought your third hand, second hand

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Today millions of poor kids learned a valuable lesson, Santa loves rich kids more.

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Unless you do laundry naked, you're never 100% done.

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When an ad hijacks my screen I spend so much time finding the close button I never even know what they are advertising

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Despite the popular saying "You wouldn't download a car", if I could download a car, I definitely would.

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It feels more like Christmas on Christmas Eve than on Christmas day

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A lot of relationships start off with “Don’t ever change” then progress to “You have to change” and end with “You’ve changed”.

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It's actually quite impressive that donkey from the movie Shrek got that dragon pregnant

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If George Michael is on the organ donor list, then next December the line 'Last Christmas I gave you my heart' can be taken literally

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It sucks when you can't remember if your original thought is a subliminal repost.

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I spent months learning cursive as a kid and as an adult I use it once a year to forge a letter from Santa.

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If you give someone a vibrator as a gift, you are essentially telling them to go fuck themselves

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You can always be yourself around family, because they will judge you no matter what you do

Merry Xmas Reddit!

The last place team in the NFL should play the college football champion at the end of each season.

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Being a millennial is like joining a game of monopoly after all the properties have been bought up.

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As a kid I was excited for Christmas morning to see the presents I got. As an adult I'm still excited for Christmas morning, but it's to see the reactions of my family to the gifts I got for them.

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Siri should have a 'Remind me to tell John...' feature that displays a reminder next time you are near that person's phone.

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A progressive Santa would leave solar panels in a naughty child's stocking.

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Before I had kids I didn't think I would be up at 3:30am on Christmas Morning pretending to be an overweight fat man but here we are.

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I love the sound a Pillsbury tube makes when popped open...like the champagne of pastries

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I don't hate Christmas. I hate how stressed and irritable it makes everyone else, and how generally unpleasant it is to be around others because of that.

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Harrison Ford's acting career now consist of being old characters teaching new characters to be his character's replacement in upcoming sequels and reboots

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Christmas is the opposite of the Purge. Everyone is nice for one day so they can get away with being dicks for the rest of year.

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If a zombie apocalypse happens in Vegas, does it stay in Vegas?

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Couldn't the whole universe be just a giant living organism, and we are just bacteria, parasites, or cells inside it?

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At the end of the day my remaining battery life is an indicator of how productive my day has been.

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Eating meat is just eating grass with a middleman

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"Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people." Is a quote discussing people.

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Disneyland should have a villains themed section of the park that is 21+ with bars and a tattoo parlor.

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I will absolutely use PG versions of contemporary video game storylines as bedtime stories for my future children.

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I wouldn't drink soft drinks if I had to add in the sugar with sugar packets myself.

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If Spotify/Pandora played sounds of screaming babies instead of ads, I'd go premium instantly.

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Silly refrigerator magnets were 20th century memes

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I've never heard a single Muslim complain about Christmas, but I've heard dozens of Christians complain about Muslims (allegedly) complaining about Christmas.

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If Tetris has taught me anything, it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

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I just made a bunch of people say "oyster" in their head

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If you leave milk & cookies out for Santa on Christmas Eve, and you put heavy sedatives in the milk, he'll fall asleep and you can take everybody's presents.

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In all the movies, Santa never goes to the house directly next door. He always gets in his sleigh & fucks off like 20 miles east.

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As a parent Xmas eve would be far less stressful if the story was that Santa gave the parents the presents to put under the tree.

That midnight ninja present drop. Stressful.

The real Santa wears a brown uniform and drives a big truck full of presents.

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When you're young, you jerk off before hanging out with a girl so you can last longer when having sex. When you're old, you don't jerk off for days so you can be horny enough for sex.

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I lost interest in praying to God since I have to thank him for my successes but cant blame him for my failures.

I just wish I could do both at least :(

Birds chirping is a lot less cute when you realize they're basically screaming "HAVE SEX WITH ME!" At the top of their lungs.

Either that or they're yelling,

"GET OFF OF MY LAND"

The most effective caffeine is waking up and realizing I'm late.

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Nothing is on fire, fire is on things.

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Now that I'm a parent i understand why my parents were always tired on Christmas morning. Because we sit up drinking and building shit.

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Family Guy should hide a bunch of little kids that look like Quagmire throughout the episodes

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If stormtroopers always miss... What must the men's rooms on the Deathstar be like?

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I don't believe in Mrs. Claus. I think she was invented because people couldn't handle the idea of an unmarried elderly man watching children all year long then giving them presents based on his own deluded judgement of naughty and nice.

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Why can’t we just have 13 months in a year? 365 ÷ 13 ≈ 28 days in a month, meaning each month would have four 7 day weeks. It’s so perfect.

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Once a year I bring a real tree inside, hang cat toys all over it and then yell at my cats whenever they play in it.

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Happening upon Mt. Rushmore would be a really creepy experience if you had no idea what it was.

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Doctors seem so important to have on board an airplane that airlines should offer a separate booking site to registered Drs. that offers discounts if there are currently no Drs. on board.

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When I was 5 all I wanted for Christmas was an NES and my parents wouldn't buy it for me. Here I am at 32 and all I want for Christmas is an NES Classic and they're sold out.

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It takes less time for Google to search through every page on the internet than it takes my computer to search through my own hard drive.

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All Lego Jedi are constantly using force choke

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Woody Woodpecker is synonymous with Dick Dickdick.

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As a kid I was never allowed to eat in the living room but I did anyways. I never got caught because I never spilled. I never spilled because I was always super careful. I was always super careful because I wasn't allowed to eat in the living room... well played dad.

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I've used more sandwich baggies for marijuana than I ever will for sandwiches

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Imagine how low NY property prices are in the Marvel universe

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If santa keeps a record of the "naughty" kids each "year" and the year doesn't start till the first of January..then that leaves the 6 days after Christmas and before New Years undocumented...nothing you do in that time can be held against you.

Just so you guys know when to commit all your crimes.

Santa Claus should have intervened and stopped the harassment of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer way before he ended up needing him to bail him out during a Snow storm

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I before E, except after C, or sounding like A, as in neighbor or weigh. Or if it's weird. Or counterfeit, or feisty, or foreign, or protein, or deficient, or caffeine, or leisure, or glacier, or science, or seize, or deficient, or HOLY F%#K THIS RULE IS TOTAL GARBAGEEEEE!

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When people point out that I'm quiet, that reinforces the fact that I'm quiet because I don't want to talk to you

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I get mad at the radio for playing the same songs over and over again, so I turn on my own playlist and play the same songs over and over again.

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Milk is a flavor of chocolate but chocolate is a flavor of milk.

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"Cowboy" sounds manly. "Cowman" sounds deranged.

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DND taught kids that boosting INT and WIS would make them gods. As adults, they realize CHA is the only stat that matters.

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As a child I had many different keychains, but no keys. As an adult I have no keychains, but lots of keys.

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I've never seen a cop eating a donut in my entire life

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Woman's clothing stores need more benches for men who've been drug into the store

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Every time I spot a spelling error online, I look at my keyboard to check if the letters are adjacent.

Most of my errors are caused by "fat finger syndrome" as well.

NSFW tags are basically clickbait

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The true genius of James Franco and Seth Rogan is they found a way to get paid millions of dollars to hang out with their friends and get high.

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900 children die per day because they don't have access to clean water. I put it in a machine to make little clouds in my room so my throat isn't scratchy when I sleep at night.

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Google maps ETA is rarely wrong, and yet I still always think I will get somewhere faster than they predict.

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The last time I was someone's type, I was donating blood.

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"He's nice, once you get to know him." is a just a nice way of saying, "He's an asshole, but you'll get used to it."

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Why is it that Disney Jr and Nick Jr characters might be architects, engineers or understand the intricacies of piloting a rocket ship, but they have to ask your 4 year old which is the button that looks like a stop sign?

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It feels like a missed opportunity that there is no Del Taco in Delta, CO.

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At 20 I was looking at cute girl's butts. At 30 I'm looking at their left hand ring finger.

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The worst torture is to make me listen to my own voice recorded.

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I watched my goldfish try to eat a Christmas sticker on the glass of their tank for fifteen minutes thinking 'wow, this creature is so easily occupied'.

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People who can sleep anywhere, anytime and in any position are truly the luckiest motherfuckers.

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Pregnancy and giving birth would be so terrifying if you didn't know what was happening

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I don't buy a new phone for the features. I buy a new phone because my current one can't go a full day with out requiring charging.

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The Bible very conveniently skips Jesus's teenage years.

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Santa always brings the 2nd rate gifts to my kids because I want credit for buying the cool stuff.

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"Wussy" is the pussy way of saying pussy.

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30 seconds doesn't feel like a long time until you have to unplug your modem and reconnect it.

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I miss going to the arcade as a child, but the thought of paying 25 cents every time I died in a PC game is horrifying.

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If you photoshopped a man's nipple on a woman's breast would it still be nsfw?

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We're not supposed to text and drive, but every time I see a cop driving they are staring at their computer.

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Sometimes I use incognito mode for porn, other times I use it to ask Google a question that I'm embarrassed I don't know the answer to.

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I have absolutely no clue what most graffiti says, I'm just amazed at how the artist got where they painted

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There should be a Japan's got talent. It'll have the weirdest shit.

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If you're deaf, every fart is a gamble

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The only time I've ever clicked on an ad was by accident

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There are two types of lazy people in this world: those too lazy to walk a long distance, who'd rather spend more time looking for the best parking spot; and those too lazy to spend the effort looking for the best parking spot, who'd rather park far away and walk further.

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Whenever someone says "Who cares?" they're almost always saying it to someone who cares

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People go to prison for amounts of marijuana that I, as a resident of a recreational state wouldn't bother picking up off the floor if spilt.

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We provide criminals with healthcare,food and shelter.Why cant we do the same for homeless people ?

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Do regular dogs see police dogs and get worried?

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Baby, It's Cold Outside would have been a much, much shorter song if she would have just told him that she was on her period.

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You never run out of toothpaste, you run out of willpower to squeeze it out

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People are not afraid because they are alone in the dark, they are afraid because they might not be alone in the dark.

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I don't want to be super rich, just rich enough to not have to check my bank account before buying a carton of milk.

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Any person who says "I'll be there in 7 minutes" is going to arrive before anybody who says "see you in 5"

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Married sex is like going to the gym. Sometimes I think I'm too tired to do it, but I never regret it after.

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I belong to that group of young adults who learnt how to text without looking at their phone. A skill made utterly obsolete by the touch screen.

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Whenever I notice a billboard promoting an event, it's either 6 months from now or 3 days ago.

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As a kid/teenager I would punch myself for saying this, but now that I am an adult, I wish that games that were rated 18+ were somehow enforced so it only would be played by people who were 18+

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The UPS driver is the closest person in reality to Santa Claus.

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I drive 60-80 mph staying in a narrow lane on the freeway, but I would be terrified driving on a bridge that narrow without any railings.

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I'm glad babies don't start crying until after they're born, because all that wailing coming from inside a woman would be distracting.

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"The human brain is the most complex structure in the known universe and we still don't fully understand how it works" — Human Brain

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Judging by the way people drive, I hope not to see flying cars in my lifetime.

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The dumbest lyric is "a child, a child shivers in the cold, let us bring him silver and gold." If you're such wise men bring him a fucking blanket.

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They should announce a sequel to Deja Vu then just release the same movie again.

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A religion is really just a cult that "made it"

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Bleeping is so much more offensive to my ears than any swearword could ever be

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My ability to proofread increases by 1000% after I hit "Submit".

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Technically we're all half centaur

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There should be a universal hand gesture for "Sorry, I'm an idiot" for when you do something dumb when driving.

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A lot of people seem to be afraid of the 1%, but I gotta say, I'm way more afraid of the 0.001%. Whatever the hell is surviving Lysol and bleach can probably fuck me up.

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Porn videos should be muted by default

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When I as younger, I thought the consistency of my signature was going to be a much bigger deal.

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A werewolf film written by a woman wouldn't be as interesting because they know how unrealistic it is to be caught by surprise by something that happens regularly every damn month.

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Parents asking their kids for grandkids is the longest continuing pyramid scheme of humankind

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Not doing drugs is a lot easier than anti-drug programs made it out to be when I was a kid.

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Every time I drop a small, relatively immobile object in an enclosed space, it immediately travels to the farthest, most inaccessible corner of that space.

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Clapping is literally hitting yourself because you like something.

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It's a shame Anne Frank hadn't seen Home Alone. It could have been a real game changer.

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Pop-up ads are the Zubats of the internet.

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Siri should start recording video if someone says "Siri hold my beer".

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With all the amatuer porn out there, there's probably someone alive on this earth whose conception I witnessed

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There are people in school today who are younger than my Runescape account.

Coming up to 8 years.

In every job I've ever had, there has been a group of overweight female co-workers who frequently talk about dieting and exercising, but then bring in junk food to share with the office.

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When my puppy dreams about me, do I speak human, or do I bark?

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Everyone seems to worry about where you go after you die, but no one really seems to think about where you were before you were born.

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I base 95% of my purchases off of product reviews, yet always forget to leave one myself.

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My will to stay alive in games is stronger than it is in real life.

Life sucks, games get me by.

Sometimes I shampoo twice because I couldn't remember if I did it 10 seconds ago

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The main reason my friends like me is because my mouth makes noises that they like

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My future wife is probably telling her boyfriend how they're going to be together forever.

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Talking is faster than typing a text message, but it's faster to read than listen to somebody talk.

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If there's no stars in the cast, a movie might not be any good, but if they're all stars, it's almost certainly shit.

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I drive more carefully if I have food in my passenger's seat then I do when there is an actual person there.

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You're probably procrastinating right now.

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I've never intentionally activated Sticky Keys

Ever

I only realise how gross my car is when someone else gets in it

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As a child, whenever I saw a limousine I always expected there was someone rich or famous inside. Now when I see a limousine, I expect it's a bunch of trashy high school kids.

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Some day we will be known as an ancient civilization.

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Kids nowadays who stay home from school when they’re sick will never know the struggles of having to watch daytime television.

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What if ALL the aliens in our universe peacefully coexist together, but they found Earth and saw that we couldn't even unite as a planet so they didn't contact us because they didn't want us ruin the nice thing they have going for them.

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They should put TLDR for the Terms and Conditions

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Amazon needs a "Hide this item from my spouse who also has access to history and order status" feature.

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For people in wheelchairs, every laugh is a ROFL.

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Food going bad is actually just something else eating it before you.

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As a cat with no job, no school, or any other responsibilities, Garfield has no reason to hate Mondays.

But hey, at least it makes him marketable.

Closing all of the tabs at the end of a long assignment is extremely satisfying

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After 5 Mission Impossibles, I've learnt one thing: these missions are clearly possible.

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You don't realize how loud normal everyday activities are until you try doing them at 3am in a sleeping household.

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"Employees must wash hands before returning to work" signs are there more to reassure customers than to remind employees.

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I wish brain farts relieved headaches the way real farts relieve some stomach aches.

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Having gas and diarrhea together is like playing Russian roulette with your butthole.

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Every time I cook something, I imagine Gordon Ramsey trying it and then freaking out and telling me it tastes like shit.

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Video games taught me that if I'm encountering enemies, I'm going the right way.

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Whenever I tell someone I couldn't hear what they said, they always end up repeating the one part I actually heard.

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Someone should start a noodle delivery restaurant named Send Noods.

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Naming your band "Open Bar" would get a lot of people to show up at your gigs.

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The most amazing thing about the Dark Side is that it gave Anakin Skywalker the voice of a confident black man

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My dad just told me: If you can't afford to buy a condom, you really can't afford to not buy a condom.

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Morning dew should be the female equivalent of morning wood.

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Everyone wants to be young again, but all I really want from my youth is my teenage metabolism.

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What other kinds of nog are there? Or is it just egg?

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They don't survive because they are the main characters, they are the main characters because they survived

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If avocados & tomatoes are both fruits, then guacamole is just the best fruit salad ever

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In 40 years my grandkids will think I'm really old for being born in the 1900's.

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Talk to yourself and you're crazy. Say it faster, add a melody and a few rhymes, and now it's perfectly sane.

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Professors are really just people who took the old saying "Stay in school, kids" a little too seriously.

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"I'm full" is the ultimate 1st world problem.

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You know you're getting older when your friends start complimenting you instead of insulting you.

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Every time you die in a dream you wake up because your brain doesn't know what happens after death.

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Popping bubblewrap is not as fun when you realise that you are releasing toxic Chinese air into your home one cubic centimeter at a time.

Pop pop pop

If our ancient ancestors had refrigerators, our modern day cuisine would be much blander because delicious food preservation techniques (pickling, smoking, curing, etc.) wouldn't exist.

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I'd rather someone show me a picture of their new pet dog than their newborn baby.

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if i somehow ended up going back in time 2000 years, i would be of no use in terms of technological advancements because i have no idea how any of this works

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Never in my life have I heard a random driver rev their engine ridiculously loud and thought, "Wow, what a cool person."

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Says a lot about my life when my dog is super excited for a walk whenever I put on pants.

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Since birth most of us are stuck with our family with almost no way of separating ourselves from them. Maybe our love for them is just a result of Stockholm Syndrome.

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Fallout 3 is about finding your father, Fallout 4 is about finding your son, Fallout 5 will be about finding the holy spirit.

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I would listen to Bob Ross paint on the radio.

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The 5 second rule doesn't apply to soup.

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Drinking non-alcoholic beer makes you look more alcoholic than drinking normal beer would

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Humans made up the concept of "dog years" as a way to keep from being sad that dogs die young.

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It's a shame most of us lose our grandparents before we're old enough to appreciate them.

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Anyone that says "west of the Mississippi" must live east of the Mississippi beacuse the people that live west of the Mississippi dont give a fuck about the Mississippi

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We need to see the world as Airport Security does. We see a large bottle, they see a liquid bomb. We see nail clippers, they see a dangerous weapon. If you're ever feeling useless, inconsequential, and insignificant, just remember that Airport Security sees the vast capabilities within you.

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If someone tells you "Don't give into peer pressure" they're peer pressuring you not to give into peer pressure

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You should let your kids stay up however long they want but force them to go to school in the morning or they lose their allowance. That's closer to preparing them to adulthood than making them go to sleep.

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I can transfer data from my brain into someone else's by opening my mouth and pushing air with vibrations in their direction.

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If they dont lower Ajay Bhatt (usb inventor) in his grave very slowly then raise him back up and spin his coffin 180° and lower him back in again i will be slightly disappointed.

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When people get on a bus I hope they don't sit next to me. Then if they don't, I feel offended.

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I don't know why thin phones are the craze when they inevitably end up in a protective case.

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Schrodinger's Rick Astley: One day he will be both alive and dead because nobody will believe it for fear of being Rickrolled.

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Snow is probably the best representation of how little things eventually build up

Nope, that's it, that's all you get.

I don't believe in Santa Claus. But I hate people in movies who refuse to believe.

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I prefer my cookies medium-rare

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Moonlight is solar powered.

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While my parents drove, as a kid I would always imagine someone running along side the car jumping over obstacles.

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If we were honest, this would be /r/Toiletthoughts.

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I can't read "What is love" to myself in my own voice, and that disturbs me.

Baby don't hurt me...

Someone is going to be that guy that dies a few minutes before we discover immortality

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In a world inhabited by 7 billion people, it’s remarkable how loneliness can overcome so many.

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Country music is just "farm emo" music.

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Many straight women complain that them being nice often gets mistaken for flirting. As a gay man, my flirting often gets mistaken for being nice.

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I don't know a single person who would want a thinner phone over a few hours of extra battery life.

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While my parents drove, as a kid I would always imagine someone running along side the car jumping over obstacles.

I can't be the only one?

A circle of salt protects people from demons. A circle of salt keeps snails from going anywhere. Are snails demons?

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The best part about college is that class is optional. The worst part about college is that class is optional.

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"Left to their own devices" used to be a figurative phrase, but has turned into a literal one.

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Movie Theaters should exit into a post film lounge where you can talk about the movie you just saw without fear of spoiling it for people in the lobby.

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All those "life-hacks using common household items" always seem to include the household items I don't have.

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When I see an older man driving a Porsche, I assume he did well for himself... When I see a 20-something driving a Porsche, I assume he's a spoiled twat.

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I'm happy to create a gap in traffic to let some one through. It doesn't affect my travel time that much. But I am infuriated if I don't get the 'thank you' wave.

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Music that features police sirens should have the siren noises censored for the radio edit.

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One day soon, School textbooks will be obsolete. I kind of want to see if the same companies will have the balls to charge $200 for a PDF.

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When people are brought back from brief death and describe "light at the end of a tunnel", what if it's just the opening of another vagina?

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As a child, I was told to run away from strange men if they approach me. Now I'm a man i feel i have to run away from strange children when they approach me

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"Autocorrect" should be named "Autoassume". It doesn't know if the changes are correct.

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When did "side chick" replace the term "person I am using to cheat on my significant other with because I'm a piece of shit"?

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If the requirements to have your own child were the same as adopting, society would be a lot less fucked up

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I make a point to never be a dick to someone who asks a question online they could easily google, because I know what they really are asking for is interaction.

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As a Dad, I wish developers would make a game where player two helps you just by mashing random buttons

bonus points if the controller's gyroscope is used to determine when the kid will inevitably throw the controller to the ground.

The older I get the more I find the Grinch to be a reasonable guy.

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If Jimmy Wales shuts down Wikipedia tomorrow we'll all be sorry we didn't send him a measly $3

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There should be an option on parking meters to transfer your remaining minutes to your neighbors meter when you're leaving.

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In elementary school, I never wanted to stay in my assigned seat. Now that I'm in college, I get really irritated if someone is sitting in my unassigned seat.

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Anytime somebody says "I was raised that way and I turned out just fine!" I make a mental note to never raise my kids that way, because holy shit, that person did not turn out okay.

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I use to masturbate because I was horny, now I do it out of boredom.

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I always hate giving gift cards, it always feels like an impersonal gift. But I always love receiving gift cards, since I can buy whatever I actually want with them.

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My current computer has more RAM than my first computer had hard drive space

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PewDiePie has more subscribers now than there were humans in all of Europe in the 10th century

...and almost a quarter of those in the entire world in year 0.

Will self driving long-haul trucks have sensors to detect kids giving them the "toot the horn" signal and toot back at them?

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Neither icing nor frosting is cold.

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Christmas feels more like a deadline than a holiday.

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Somebody probably smoked a lot of random plants before discovering marijuana.

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When I get in my car I'm always surprised how loud I liked to listen to music the day before

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Taking a hot bath to soothe your muscles is just simmering yourself on low until tender

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I'm more likely to trust someone who is "99% sure" rather than someone who says they are "100% sure".

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It will be weird someday to click on someone's profile and see "Redditor for 53 years."

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Morbid, but I think there should be an institution where those who want to die (for whatever reason) can be euthanized, and their organs/ blood are donated to those in need of a new kidney or heart or ear.

Those who don't want to be alive don't have to live, and those who do want to live (especially kids) would have the opportunity to. Sounds outlandish, but is it really that crazy?

I have a recurring character in my dreams who explains complex science to me. I know nothing about science so my brain is just writing his bullshit scripts on the fly.

I wish I could harness that IRL.

If Bruce Willis died of a Viagra overdose, headlines would read "Bruce Willis Dies Hard".

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Contests are for something, while protests are against something.

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Do our pets have a basic understanding of our clothing, or have they come to accept we are shape shifting color morphers?

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At what point does a spoon become a shovel

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What if "Incognito Mode" is really just the NSA "on-button"?

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I hate that no matter how much I'm enjoying a video, I tap the screen on my phone to see how long before said video is over.

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Jehovah Witnesses are real life pop ups

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I've never bought rubber bands and I've never run out of rubber bands.

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My only thought when I heard 1 Billion Yahoo accounts were hacked. There are a billion Yahoo users? Why?!

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Getting poo on you is disgusting, but having poo inside you is okay.

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The reason you wake up after dying in a dream is because your brain doesnt know what happens after death

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People choke on flower sperm

I know I know

Every r/explainlikeimfive question ends up being explained like you're a 22 year old with a bachelors degree.

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Most orchestras are just 1800's cover bands.

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We put clocks in our mobile phones, so we didn't need to look at watches. Now we put mobile phones in our watches so we don't need to look at our mobile phones.

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Sending your navy to sit in international waters just off a country's coastline is the world's highest-stakes game of "I'm not touching you"

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Why don't we all learn universal sign language in school? that way you'll never have trouble communicating with anyone

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I am 100% confident that if I ever hit a kid with my car, it will be because I'm staring at my speedometer in a school zone.

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When I fasten my seatbelt, it's like I'm putting on a huge backpack that I can drive.

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I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel everyday.

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Helen Keller was probably such a good person because she was the epitome of "See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil."

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It's startling how quickly we've gone from "Hater gonna hate" to "I'm offended, arrest them"

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YouTube shouldn't allow the ability to use a thumbnail from a scene not within the video itself

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I never said "fuck off" that much, until YouTube introduced pre-video advertisements.

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It's not how you phrase your Reddit post, it's whether the first comment is witty enough that makes your post go big

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The buttons on Darth Vader may actually just be an MP3 player that plays "The Imperial March" every time he enters a room.

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I hope one day aliens read our ancient texts about how we exploded the Samsung Galaxy.

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The thing I hate most about getting a new phone is that I have to teach it to curse all over again.

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One gram of Bill Gates is worth almost $60,000 USD.

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The upcoming Aquaman movie shouldn't have a main antagonist. Instead, Aquaman should just fight the general public as they continue to pollute his oceans.

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Reddit is kind of like fight club. Nobody I know ever talks about Reddit.

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I usually determine how ethical a company is by how easy it is to unsubscribe from their mailing list.

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Pandas are living proof that you can be fat by just eating salad

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I sit 50 minutes in class having no idea whats going on and then watch a 10 minute youtube tutorial and understand everything.

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Someone should yell "Okay Google" over the intercom at Google HQ.

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Farts should be less taboo and treated like sneezes. Imagine if every time you farted in public, people said bless you.

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If GTA V had as much traffic as real life California, nobody would play the game.

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The moral of Rudolph the Red nose reindeer is that no one likes you unless you’re useful.

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Nudity is okay on TV as long as its children. Nudity is okay on the internet as long as they aren't children.

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Youtube ads never seem to buffer

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I've seen the 20th page of Reddit more than I've seen the 2nd page of Google.

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Alexander Graham Bell's first telephone was absolutely useless, until he made his second one

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We need a website like Rotten Tomatoes for news outlets which rates all outlets for the accuracy of their stories and fact-checking

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Red, white, and blue are the colors of freedom until they are flashing behind you.

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A clean browser history is the dirtiest of them all

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I'm really happy my teeth don't taste like anything.

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As a kid my parents taught me to not believe everything I see on TV, now I have to teach them to not believe everything they see on Facebook

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I can take any sound, no matter how pleasant, and learn to hate it by setting it as my alarm.

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If I get up 10 minutes earlier than usual, I treat it like 2 extra hours and end up late for work.

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I hate that they put “use by” dates on condoms… like I’m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.

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As a kid, your parents make sure the content that you view/hear is appropriate. As a young adult, I now have to make sure content I want to show my parents is appropriate for them.

Thought about this when I went to show my mom an episode of Rick and Morty.

$15 at Starbuck's over a week doesn't faze me, but a $15 bottle of nice shampoo that lasts for two months has me questioning my life choices

[edit] Woah, 3 karma this morning, 4500+ and counting a few hours later. I'm fucking famous. [edit] Obligatory "RIP, my inbox"

Every time I watch a scene from a movie of two people in a car I always watch the background to see if they are really driving or not.

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Head & Shoulders should sell a body wash named Knees & Toes.

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Fingerless gloves used to be a fashion trend when I was a teen with no practical purpose. Now everyone has touchscreen phones and nobody wears them.

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As a customer, I feel bad when I walk into a store just to walk out. As an employee, I could never be more relieved when a customer does that.

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The world was supposedly going to "expire" on December 21, 2012. Perhaps it was just "best used prior to date."

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If I ever saw a scene where Darth Vader was using his chest buttons I would freak out.

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Shy people are like slow-loading web pages - there might be a lot of awesome content, but nobody wants to stick around to get to it

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You know your education is starting to pay off when you actually know what Vsauce is talking about.

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Wikipedia has gone from random hacks creating/editing articles to one of the most reliable, accurate sources of information on the internet.

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Girls hate me because I'm fat and dumb, but if I was a fat dumb dog, they would love me

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As a kid, I couldn't believe how big adults are. As an adult, I can't believe how small kids are.

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Most dogs will probably live their life thinking that their human is immortal.

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It’s weird how “Fact-checking” and “News” are treated like two separate concepts nowadays.

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Every time I eat or drink I'm saving my own life.

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Rick-rolling is not very fun when there's an ad in front of the video.

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If animals suddenly grew very large, thus making humans tiny in comparison, your dog would still recognize you as its owner and remain loyal. Your cat would probably eat you.

And I'm saying this as a cat person. My Jelly Bean wouldn't even think twice.

We spend five days a week pretending to be someone else in order to spend two days being who we are.

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The Lego Batman movie is a movie based on a video game, based on another video game, based on a popular movie franchise, based on a comic spun off from another comic, and also based on a popular children's toy…..sort of.

Can you imagine going back in time to 1939 and trying to explain this Bob Kane and Bill Finger.

Is baker just short for bread maker?

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Every time I watch a scene from a movie of two people in a car I always watch the background to see if they are really driving or not.

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The biggest mysteries on reddit are [deleted] comment chains.

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I wish Google/Amazon had a "Bought It" button so I would stop getting spammed with ads for things I already got.

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Isn't the Sun technically a "Space.....Heater"?

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Gay people depend on straight people to make more gays.

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The most realistic part of Age of Ultron was Ultron deciding the human race must be destroyed after spending a few minutes on the Internet

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What if voice recognition is actually perfect and computers are just assholes?

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So many people target M-rated video games for making kids more violent, but I have never gotten more violent at a game than when I lost a game of Monopoly.

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Sleep is great because it's like being dead without hurting your family.

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Since I browse Reddit before going to sleep, you could say redditors tell me bedtime stories.

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I've been using an Ad-blocker for so long that I don't know what the real internet looks like

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Shawshank Redemtion: When Andy is telling Red about his dream to move to Zihuatanejo and buy a boat Red tells Andy that he shouldn't waste his time on 'shitty pipedreams'. Andy literally crawls through a shitty pipe in order to fulfil is dream

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The only time I have a problem with Christianity is when I want Chick-fil-a on a Sunday.

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Those kids must have been pretty disappointed when they moved up a grade from Ms. Frizzle's class.

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Christ taught to not lie or be greedy, so to celebrate his birthday I perpetuate a lie to children about a man who promotes materialism and breaks into houses.

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Every time I Google lately, I add Reddit to the end of my search because I trust Redditors more than the average website.

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Having a dog is buying a best friends that you have to tie to a leash to prevent from running away.

Love dogs though! EDIT: It's just a thought about how weird our relationship with our pets are. Not how badly dogs behave.

I find it kinda odd that I share my house with hairy 4 legged creatures with whom I don't share a common spoken language. Also, I love them more than most people I know.

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Saying extreme tragedy brings one closer to God is the religious equivalent of Stockholm syndrome.

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Two people could be born at the exact same moment, but have different birthdays because of the time zones.

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I've literally no idea what's even being advertised on youtube because my attention is 100% focused on the countdown to be able to skip the ad.

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Smoking is good for the environment because it kills humans.

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The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look.

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If Netflix or HBO made a "Harry Potter by the books" series (one chapter per episode) TONS of people would watch it.

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