Tuesday, January 31, 2017
Taxes are like membership fees for countries
Do crabs think we walk sideways?
Are kidney stones the human equivalent of pearls?
A thesis statement is just a TL;DR for essays.
Monday, January 30, 2017
My Saturday was going well until i realized its Sunday....
If humans go extinct, literally no one will care.
Askreddit is basically the new Yahoo Answers.
I wish we could just uninstall thoughts from our brain.
Sunday, January 29, 2017
The cost of keeping an inmate in prison can be as high as 160,000$ PER PERSON. I make 40k working my ass off.
Can us law abiding citizens get paid..... to stay OUT of prison?
How did the owners of Clifford ever take care of his shits?
When I move my body, I am literally moving matter with my mind
If time is money, then ATM machines are time machines
The r/news is beginning to look a lot like r/nosleep
A silver tongue gets you further than a heart of gold
90% of being married is just shouting "what?" from other rooms.
If Dora is an explorer why does she only explore mapped areas?
Saturday, January 28, 2017
Cutting corners just creates two new corners.
I have gone too far in my life without thinking of turkey eggs
Thanks to Fallout, every time I hear 50s music I associate it with a nuclear apocalypse.
Same with old movie scenes.
If Dora is an explorer, how come she only goes to mapped places.
The wrong number is never busy
Friday, January 27, 2017
Sleep when you shouldn't sleep is the best sleep.
What the fuck is "bubble gum" flavor, anyway?
The back of my shampoo bottle is essentially a modern Rosetta Stone.
Directions and marketing speak in English, French, Spanish, German, and Italian.
I've become so used to fast messaging that it severely irritates me when an activation e-mail doesn't arrive instantly.
Technology, what have you done?
The reason Marge Simpson's voice is so gravely, is because she grew up inhaling ridiculous amounts of secondhand smoke from her older sisters.
Possibly parents as well, I don't really know much about them. All I know is that Patty and Selma were born with a silver cigarette in their mouths.
Thursday, January 26, 2017
It is impossible to convince someone that you are not stubborn.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified.
Minivans have sliding doors so kids don't hit the car next to them while getting in/out of the van.
If you're a parent and you own a minivan, thank you.
I wish my imagination had a screenshot button
In space, doggystyle and reverse cowgirl are the same thing
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
Google before you tweet is the new think before you speak.
Animators are really lucky armies decided to march in step.
Your bed is pretty much just a charger for your body
If Yoda spoke spanish, his grammar would make sense in english..
Does Pavlov have an urge to feed a dog when he hears a bell?
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
A license plate is just your car's username
Dead people are the true silent majority.
A bee hive is basically a well defended piñata
The person I see myself as doesn't exist to anyone else but me.
The man bun is going to be our generation's mullet.
A Piñata is broken when it will not break.
If someone immediately responds to my text, I think that they had just been using their phone and saw my text as soon as it popped up. But if I respond immediately, I feel they think I have no life and just sit on my phone all day.
Monday, January 23, 2017
I love being awake early, but not waking up early.
"Firefly" is the opposite of "waterfall"
Printers are just machines that very carefully spill liquid.
Someone in human history has actually had the worst day ever.
Sunday, January 22, 2017
All Voldemort had to do was get Quirrel to make Harry come to his office after class on the first day of school, and slit his throat with a knife. No magic for Dumbledore to detect. Old fashioned murder. What an overachieving idiot.
It would be really funny if farts were contagious like yawns.
Squirrels must think we bury our dead to enjoy later.
The ages of 13 to 18 seem a hell of a lot longer than 23 to 28.
I Procrastinate so much I even procrastinate going to sleep
Saturday, January 21, 2017
The solution to every 90s sitcom problem was a cell phone.
It makes me really mad when people don't use their blinker turning onto the road that I'm turning out of because I could've pulled out sooner, but when people do use their blinker I still wait until they start turning because I don't trust them.
Sandy from SpongeBob is one of the strongest female characters in modern TV for kids
- She's a scientist
- Well versed in martial arts
- No need of romantic interest
- Usually the hero
- Adventurous and independent
- Arguably the smartest person in bikini bottom
Discuss.
The second someone asks "Are you sure?" I instantly become unsure
Apologies if this has been posted before
I feel like medical marijuana could seriously help the Hulk.
Fishing is the underwater equivalent of alien abduction.
Friday, January 20, 2017
"Every kiss" actually begins with "E."
I've always thought it was weird how it's normal/acceptable to take a smoke break at work, but frowned upon just to take a break at work.
Especially, the restaurant industry.
A time capsule would be the perfect place to hide a dead body.
Messenger's "like" button feels more like a "cool story bro" button
Kind of feels rude to use it.
Thursday, January 19, 2017
Stairs are just the low res version of a ramp.
You must own a pair of pants before you can buy a pair of pants.
If horses were carnivorous they would be terrifying
If I live to be 100 I'll get to hear new 80's music.
Wednesday, January 18, 2017
In 500 years NASA could be a travel company
(If we last that long)
Ten years ago, I felt uncomfortable about making purchases online because of the lack of trustful human interaction. Today, I buy everything online, but am terrified of making Craigslist purchases, because I don't trust the human interaction.
I wish I could enjoy sleep while sleeping.
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
No one uses the phrase "I'm serious" more often than comedians.
Being 5'11 is like being a short tall person
Eventually, someone will show up dead to a destination in a self-driving car.
Hopefully, freak some fast food workers out in the drive-thru.
The guy that came up with 'ladies first' was probably an ass man
I never see pets with glasses but there must be some who need them.
Poor little pets with fuzzy vision :'(
Music is just sculpted air pressure
Monday, January 16, 2017
As a student people used to tell me how stressful "adult working life" is and how being a student was so easy. But today I am way more relaxed since my job has a defined start and end as opposed to the constant guilt of feeling I should be studying instead of whatever else I was doing.
I probably just had shitty time management as a student...
The majority of people have an above average number of legs.
Many more people have had amputations/missing limbs due to genetic deformities than have extras. Therefore the average number of legs a person has will be slightly less than two.
"I have a startup" is just the older brother of "I'm in a band."
In the 50s people were fantasizing about robots doing all of our work, now people are terrified of it.
Just kind of funny how the awesome future is now a dystopian nightmare.
There should be a reverse "Yelp" where companies/employees can complain about their customers.
Edit: Sorry, i meant "Rate"...
Sunday, January 15, 2017
You know you're getting old when you go to bed because you're bored.
Sorry if this is a repost. Haven't been on Reddit a lot.
We never actually open our eyes. We open our eyelids.
Less than 150 years ago we were still using fire as our main source of light.
Makes you realise how fast technology is changing
When you delete pictures, you're freeing a captured moment into the past, never to be seen again.
Unless, of course, you use one of those photo recovery programs.
Saturday, January 14, 2017
Hiccups never actually go away. They just get further apart.
I would never steal a credit card and use it to pay for stuff, because I'm sure I would not get away with it, but I am scared of people stealing my credit card and using it to pay for stuff, because I'm sure they would get away with it.
I trust my left hand to steer a car but not to operate a spoon.
Friday, January 13, 2017
The best racers spend the least amount of time racing.
If a product is always on sale, it never is.
Trailers for movies should not be allowed to show any scenes from past the quarter mark in the movie
Lots of trailers these days show later parts of the movie which spoils it for the viewer
As a new driver, I'm constantly reminded by adults to drive within the speed limit. Yet every adult I know drives over the speed limit.
Edit: shoutout to all the Reddit dads for all the driving advice.
The only person my password keeps out is me.
Witnessing an egging must be the most horrific thing a chicken could ever see.
It's basically tantamount to an ogre chucking fetuses for it's amusement.
I find censorship more offensive than obscenity.
GPS apps should have a "Just make sure I don't miss my exit then shut the fuck up" option.
It would be right after "Turn By Turn" and "Shut the fuck up until I get out of my neighborhood".