Morning news on the TV has become 'Here's what happened on the Internet yesterday.'

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There could be an animal with perfect camouflage, and we would never know.

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Taxes are like membership fees for countries

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Brake lights should dynamically change in brightness based on brake pedal pressure

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Do crabs think we walk sideways?

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When I was younger, I couldn't wait to change my phone's ringtone to my favorite song. Now that I am older, I am too lazy to even change it from the default one.

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It's a terrible time for civil rights activists. But it's a golden age for poster board and marker companies.

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I often go months without finding new music I like, then discover five great songs in one day.

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Are kidney stones the human equivalent of pearls?

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Amazing how famous people's soulmates are always other famous people

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When I was 20, "what am I doing here?" was an important existential question. Now that I am 66, "what am I doing here?" involves staring at an open refrigerator.

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Rapping might be the only career where serving jail time actually boosts your credibilty

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In highschool, I used to fantasize about stopping time and touching boobies. I had more faith in stopping time than getting a girl to like me.

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Obi-Wan took a pretty hands off approach to fighting the Empire after getting struck down and becoming more powerful than Vader could possibly imagine

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Gas prices aren't so bad if you consider that we're really buying liquid explosive dinosaurs.

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Maybe the relentless "mom mom mom mom" thing that kids do is a lag response from when the relentless "say mama, say mama, say mama" thing moms do when their kids are babies.

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I'm generally more interested in reading redditor comments after a shocking news link than actually reading the content of the news text

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I've never done anything with all the pictures I takes except feel bad when i lose them

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Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail that way I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.

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Dogs probably think we peel half our skin off and get into the magic rain chamber

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A thesis statement is just a TL;DR for essays.

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If I hear aliens speaking english in movies, I don't think twice about it. But if they're speaking another language like Japanese, I find it completely absurd.

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When someone says "These numbers are off the charts!", you'd think it shows how extreme the numbers are, but really they are just bad at making charts.

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I'm more comfortable wiping stuff off my hands onto the jeans I'll wear multiple times in a week, rather than the shirt I'll only wear once.

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It’s amazing most businesses operate from 9 to 5 when the majority of their customers are busy, working 9 to 5 themselves.

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Retirement homes are going to need amazing internet in about 50 years: For all the streaming, gaming and web surfing that the future residents will be doing.

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I think if you got Bill Nye drunk, he'd tell you how we are all fucking doomed.

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Watching a 2.5 hour long movie is no big deal, but watching six 25 minute long episodes of a show is "binging."

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"Going to the local protest" has become a perfectly reasonable weekend plan.

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Nutritional labels should include a "What if I ate the whole damn thing" section.

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The symbol "&" looks like a guy dragging his ass across the floor.

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My Saturday was going well until i realized its Sunday....

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When I die I really hope someone finds and appreciates my Spotify library.

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Promoting only abstinence to lower teen pregnancy rates is like just telling people to not commit crime to solve prison overcrowding

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Tobacco companies kill their best customers and condom companies kill their future customers.

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The Onion might go bankrupt because they can't compete against the reality now

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When the first human is born on Mars we will have to add 'Planet of Birth' to our passports.

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If humans go extinct, literally no one will care.

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I remember when the weather was the least trusted part of the news

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Askreddit is basically the new Yahoo Answers.

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The first person ever to attempt a backflip must have had some serious balls.

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I can sit on my toilet for 45 minutes straight but can't sit in a chair for 15 minutes without moving.

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Cactus are the most antisocial plant, they grow in the middle of the desert and still like, "Don't fucking come near me".

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It's weird to think that behind the Universal Translator, Captain Jean-Luc Picard was speaking French the whole time.

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Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

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I would get off my ass so much more if life had visible EXP bars and levels for all the skillsets I could acquire

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Potatoes taste bad. Potatoes + Heat taste good. Heat tastes good if you can catch it in a potato.

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This day in age I trust internet strangers commenting on big news more than the news itself.

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If we saw souls instead of bodies, our definition of beauty perfection and our world would be so different.

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Amazon has spoiled me where now I feel two day shipping is too slow

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I wish we could just uninstall thoughts from our brain.

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Saying that you sleep 8 hours a day sounds normal, but saying you sleep 4 months a year sounds insane.

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It's amazing most businesses operate from 9 to 5 when the majority of their customers are busy, working 9 to 5 themselves.

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When you can only find one sock, it is simultaneously one sock too many and one sock too few.

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In Little Mermaid, Prince Eric can't speak to the animals like Aerial can, so Kiss The Girl must have been a VERY troubling 2 minutes for him.

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The cost of keeping an inmate in prison can be as high as 160,000$ PER PERSON. I make 40k working my ass off.

Can us law abiding citizens get paid..... to stay OUT of prison?

How did the owners of Clifford ever take care of his shits?

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I'll spend hours grinding on a video game to get my level up and beat the next boss, but I don't have the motivation to study so that I can pass the next exam.

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Girl Scouts is actually a cookie company profiting from child labor.

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What if the afterlife was just people fighting to be reborn whenever a mother is about to give birth?

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When I move my body, I am literally moving matter with my mind

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If time is money, then ATM machines are time machines

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The r/news is beginning to look a lot like r/nosleep

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After getting a tattoo, I've stopped asking people about the meaning of their tattoo

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It is a shame that ideas are judged by the abilities of the people defending them.

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Our parents always told us it's bad for our eyes to sit close to the TV. We ignored them so hard that we invented VR so we could put the tv right up against our eyes

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A silver tongue gets you further than a heart of gold

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We should teach children how to repairs things rather than sermonize them on overconsumption.

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Every year I celebrate that one time I put my mother in excruciating pain.

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As a cashier, I can confirm "small talk" is as cringy and depressing to us as to the customers

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T-shirts are a company's way of making people pay for the privilege of advertising their brand.

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90% of being married is just shouting "what?" from other rooms.

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If a newborn baby crosses the international date line, they could potentially travel back to a day before they were born

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If I had a penny for every decision I regret, I'd be rich, but then i wouldn't regret those decisions anymore, so I wouldn't be rich but wouldn't i regret that too?

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Whenever I go to an interview for a job I always look at the employee cars to see if the job pays good.

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If a child asks "may I do ?" and a parent answers "go ask " they basically allow it, but don't want to get blamed if something wrong happens.

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Telling a toddler to 'go play' is like telling an adult to 'fu€k off'

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If Dora is an explorer why does she only explore mapped areas?

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What if the only reason we don't know if there was an advanced civilization before us is because they made literally everything biodegradable.

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If a gif doesn't load in the first 5 seconds I back out and think to myself, "too long, didn't load".

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Being able to buy the candy at the checkout line is one of the most underrated benefits of adulthood.

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90% of the time when I hear a parent complain about how their child turned out to be, all I can hear is "I ruined a perfectly good kid and now there's consequences."

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After 3 decades i only today realized bathroom fans are noisey by design to give some privacy

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Taking my water bottle outside of the break room at work is a big safety violation but going into work with a highly contagious upper respiratory infection is just fine.

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I wipe my hands off on my pants instead of my shirt 90% of the time, yet wash my shirts far more often than I wash my pants

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It's both satisfying and slightly sad when you realise that you have reached a point in life where you are smarter than your parents

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Cutting corners just creates two new corners.

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If clothing didn't exist, I would be way more interested in losing weight.

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Saying 'I want my first daughter to be a girl' isn't as stupid as it used to be.

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I have gone too far in my life without thinking of turkey eggs

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Now that I'm a Dad I strongly suspect my own Dad wasn't as clumsy and bad at games as he appeared to be.

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We don't even know what Dinosaurs sound like. They could've been speaking fluent German for all we know.

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If I mess up the password on my iPhone I just purposely put it in wrong because it's faster than clicking the delete button.

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Your opportunity to master something in life largely depends on how long your willing to suck at it

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The most amazing thing that Ohio has accomplished is getting three syllables out of four letters

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If heroin/meth were cut with birth control it could reduce the number of irresponsible parents.

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You can see more affectionate kisses at the airport than you see at wedding ceremonies.

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People who don't want to have kids usually are the ones that should and people who shouldn't have kids end up having 20.

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I prefer stores where cashiers don't engage in "small talk." I would rather just shop, pay and leave quietly.

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I don't know how guys' dicks stay soft when they wear boxers; I wear a t shirt without a bra for one day and my nipples are poking people in the eye.

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The friend that brings you a water instead of another drink, is probably the best friend you'll ever have.

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No matter how old/grumpy I am, I always say "Horses!" as I drive past a group of them on someone's farm

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Browsing by Top Rated in a porn subreddit is like asking a bunch of dudes what you should masturbate to.

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Thanks to Fallout, every time I hear 50s music I associate it with a nuclear apocalypse.

Same with old movie scenes.

North Korea can't really send anyone anywhere to spy cus they'll get there and realize they've been lied to their whole lives

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You don't have to be hungry to know that a burger looks delicious so there's no reason you have to be gay in order to recognize a good looking dude.

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If Dora is an explorer, how come she only goes to mapped places.

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People are only grossed out by nails and hair once they're detached from your body.

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If you replace the velociraptors with geese in Jurassic park, it would probably be equally as entertaining and terrifying

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I only look at usernames if someone points out how it checks out.

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The wrong number is never busy

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When I'm sitting down in public and am about to leave but someone sits next to me, I feel obligated to stay a few extra minutes so they don't think they're the reason I got up to leave.

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jumping in video games seems to be a necessary form of movement, yet in real life we rarely, if ever, jump on a daily basis.

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Toothpaste companies should make drowsy toothpaste that helps you sleep after you brush your teeth before bed.

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Sleep when you shouldn't sleep is the best sleep.

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A meme is just an inside joke with a billion people that have never met.

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I'm pretty sure the guy who walks into a crosswalk without looking, expecting cars to stop, is the same guy who doesn't stop when I'm waiting at a crosswalk.

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Humans talk about invasive species as if they aren't the most invasive species in history.

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If Cinderella's shoe fit so perfectly, how did it fall off in the first place?

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What the fuck is "bubble gum" flavor, anyway?

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Most video games nowadays allow you to save at any point but I still tell my girlfriend I can't quit until I hit a save point to buy myself some more time.

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Being the first one to wake up at a sleepover has been massively improved by Wifi.

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Ya know who shapes the world? Textbook makers. They shape the views of kids and everyone blindly takes them as fact.

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A lot of us claim we'd like the ability to fly but if it felt like exercise hardly any of us would do it.

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The reason I don't go home during lunchbreak is that I don't want to put myself through going to work twice a day.

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Eventually a self-driving car will deliver a dead person to their destination.

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Failing an "I am not a bot" captcha hurts my self esteem more than I'd like to admit

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The back of my shampoo bottle is essentially a modern Rosetta Stone.

Directions and marketing speak in English, French, Spanish, German, and Italian.

If the girl scouts are able to sell cookies, the boy scouts should sell beef jerky.

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I've become so used to fast messaging that it severely irritates me when an activation e-mail doesn't arrive instantly.

Technology, what have you done?

There's gonna be a lot of fire detectors low battery beeping when all the humans are gone.

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If the whole world mandated a 3 or 4 year foreign exchange student program for one generation, we could solve a giant bunch of shit in one generation.

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The reason Marge Simpson's voice is so gravely, is because she grew up inhaling ridiculous amounts of secondhand smoke from her older sisters.

Possibly parents as well, I don't really know much about them. All I know is that Patty and Selma were born with a silver cigarette in their mouths.

I just had a child two months ago and it is absolutely, indisputably insane that billions of people survived being as totally helpless as an infant.

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People who are lactose intolerant are normal, the rest of us are the weird ones.

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The Velociraptors would have never made it into the secure compound in Jurassic Park if the builders had installed round doorknobs instead of the elongated 'handle' kind.

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At some point in history, a guy named Tom did so much peeping that an entire creepy genre was named after him

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I hate going to sleep, but once I'm asleep, I hate waking up. This is how I imagine death.

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In school we need a permission slip to watch PG-13 movies but they allow 7th graders to take out Game of Thrones from the library.

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I can't speak a different language but in 30 years I'm going to be able to translate cursive to my grandkids so that will be pretty cool.

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It is impossible to convince someone that you are not stubborn.

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In 50 years parents will tell their children "Don't judge a video by it's thumbnail"

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The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified.

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There is nothing sadder then leaving for work and making eye contact with your pet as you close the door.

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All these years, I thought it was the dryer shrinking my clothes. As it turns out, it was actually the fridge.

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'Ladies' Night' is just another example of the principle "If it's free, then you're the product not the customer"

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Smoking is so rare now that when I smell cigarette smoke, I associate it more with my childhood than anything else

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Once a show is branded as "the #1 comedy on TV," I immediately assume it's terrible.

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My computer's desktop is just like my actual desk top, a place to store random crap that I don't want to put away properly.

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If Russia is "the Motherland" and Germany is "the Fatherland," then WW2 was one of the worst divorces in history.

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If Hollywood is "white-washed," then the NBA and NFL are both pretty "black-balled"

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You can microwave things, you can refrigerate things, and you can toast things, but you can't oven things.

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Dead people who used the Internet have pieces of their conscious literally uploaded forever. Archives of things they said, thoughts, old logins are there forever.

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People only have one birthday, and the rest are just anniversaries.

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Every time I see a taxi on the motorway, my first thought is how painfully expensive that journey must be for the passenger.

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Minivans have sliding doors so kids don't hit the car next to them while getting in/out of the van.

If you're a parent and you own a minivan, thank you.

I wish my imagination had a screenshot button

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In space, doggystyle and reverse cowgirl are the same thing

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Killing a spider increases the deadliness and sneakiness of the spider gene pool

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I would be much more inclined to read an article if the headline didn't try so hard to get me to read the article.

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When you buy clothes with giant logos on them you are just paying the company to go out and advertise for them.

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My appreciation for classical music is largely due to Bugs Bunny.

Thanks Friz.

If you manually wag a dog's tail do you think they get confused about their emotions?

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If comedy is marked "for mature audiences", the humor is probably pretty immature.

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Everyone picks their nose but what you do with your boogers shows your true character.

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If we made dogs out of wolves, I feel like we could make awesome pets out of bears.

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My Driver's Ed teacher is the only teacher I had who's complete curriculum I utilize on almost a daily basis.

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I've come to hate the sound of my alarm so much that I wake up 1 or 2 minutes before it goes off just to turn it off

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As a kid I thought "taking no prisoners" was a pretty nice thing for an army to do.

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I wish there was a way for me to tell a website the reason I left their page was because of video ads auto playing with audio enabled.

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I will make it rain at the dollar store on things I don't even really need, but when it comes to buying a useful 99 cent app, I'll be hesitant af.

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Dogs don't understand that knocking on the door is the polite way to enter a house

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You've known your parents your entire life, but they've only known you a fraction of theirs.

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Google before you tweet is the new think before you speak.

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Is it possible that "big tobacco" is responsible for the proliferation of the anti vaping memes that are so widespread on the internet as a way of protecting market share?

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It must be weird to be a waiter that's an aspiring actor that's playing a waiter as an extra. Almost doing your real job while almost doing your dream job.

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Animators are really lucky armies decided to march in step.

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Why does Fred Flintstone even have a car? He is essentially doing the running/walking anyway. Just now with more mass.

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On TV, once the "bad guy" gets caught in a lie and admits it, everyone assumes they're always telling the truth suddenly.

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Your bed is pretty much just a charger for your body

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If Yoda spoke spanish, his grammar would make sense in english..

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I still associate hobos with bindles or blankets on a stick, even though they've all transitioned to the shopping cart.

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it's weird how you can actually feel it in your chest and stomach when something really hurts your feelings.

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We wear nice clothing in the hopes that somebody will take it off.

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A college degree is now the high school diploma for an office job.

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My phone has 750x more RAM than my first computer but the future STILL isn't here.

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If I owned a BBQ restaurant I would probably have a sign out front which read: "We have ribs for your pleasure."

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CollegeHumor doesn't cater to college students anymore. It caters to young professionals who were in college when CollegeHumor started.

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Does Pavlov have an urge to feed a dog when he hears a bell?

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I would rather watch the time on my microwave and hit "clear" at 1 second to only hear one beep than wait for the timer to get to zero and hear several beeps.

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When my car gets serviced they show me dirty air filters that I should replace but I'm always suspicious they aren't from my car.

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$7 for a pound of lunchmeat that will make multiple sandwiches seems very pricey to me but I'm totally cool with spending $8 on a single sandwich.

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I rely 100% on my neighbors to let me know which night to put out trash and which night to put out recycling. Even though I've lived in the same place for over 5 years.

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When I was younger, I wanted to be just like Johnny Bravo. Now that I am older, I hate people that are just like Johnny Bravo.

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If every county taught sign language in elementary school. There would be no communication barriers

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People always complain that nobody talks in busses anymore, cause of smartphones. But 15 years ago there was no more talk. We were just bored.

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A license plate is just your car's username

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Getting scammed in Runescape was more effective in teaching me to not trust strangers than any schooling or parental guidance. I have been suspicious of people i don't know, particularly financially ever since.

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Kids are always taught to go to adults when approached by a stranger, but I have no idea what to do if a kid comes to me for help.

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The creator of photoshop could have had a lot of fun if they did not tell anyone.

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The Children's game Duck Duck Goose is just someone petting ducks and once they pet the goose the goose gets up and chases them, as Geese do in nature.

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When I was younger, I thought cashiers would be happy receiving cash instead of card. Now, as a cashier, I realize it is quite the opposite.

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Dead people are the true silent majority.

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A bee hive is basically a well defended piñata

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My microwave is like the resurrection stone cause it brings food back to life but it is never the same as before

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None of my classes have assigned seats, but if someone sits in the spot I've sat in for the last 2 weeks, I get irrationally angry.

Happened tonight. Displeased.

Looking both ways when crossing a one way street is physical proof we don't trust other people.

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Cell phones killed off all the "synchronize watches" scenes in movies.

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Humans get like 16 hours battery life before you need to charge them

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I instantly recognize a red horseshoe with white painted tips as a magnet but I have never actually seen a magnet that looks like a red horseshoe with white painted tips.

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The person I see myself as doesn't exist to anyone else but me.

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The only reason I know what elevator shafts look like is because they're often shown in movies.

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I am 28 years old and still make sure I say, out loud, any farm animals I see while driving.

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The man bun is going to be our generation's mullet.

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I never realize how fast I navigate my computer until I show my parents something

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In the space of one film we've gone from "Return of the Jedi" to "The Last Jedi"

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A Piñata is broken when it will not break.

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'Employee only' entrances aren't nearly as cool as I hoped they would be as a kid.

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What if there really have been MILF's 3.3 miles away from me trying to meet up and I've been squandering the opportunities all these years

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The universe at nearly every scale is just shit spinning around other shit

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If someone immediately responds to my text, I think that they had just been using their phone and saw my text as soon as it popped up. But if I respond immediately, I feel they think I have no life and just sit on my phone all day.

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As a kid I never understood why adults always wanted to sleep and now as an adult I don't understand how kids are never tired

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I will put my CC number into the Internet or let a robot operate on my body, but I will never trust hitting the AC/clear button on a calculator just one time.

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Evolution would have done us a favor if women could only get pregnant when they get an orgasm as well.

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I'm completely fine with peeing in an open urinal, but if I go in a stall it's weird if I don't shut the door.

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Could you imagine what swimming in the ocean would be like if the water was extremely clear all the way through?

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If FBI really has access to people's front cams, then they have the best and most genuine collection of reaction videos.

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When I'm putting dishes on the dryer rack, I'm using my Tetris skills. When I want something from the rack, I'm using my Jenga skills.

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The first thing you get after obtaining a bachelors degree is a sudden lack of respect for people with bachelors degrees.

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When I see a post that has comments that are [deleted] and [removed] I immediately feel left out of the discussion.

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I love being awake early, but not waking up early.

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You know you are sick when continuing to lay in an uncomfortable position is preferable to moving to try a new one.

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In my lifetime, I've transitioned from "don't believe everything on the internet" to "a majority of my trust is in the internet"

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"Firefly" is the opposite of "waterfall"

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As the father of two gamers, there will come a day where I'm literally the guy on Xbox Live who fucked their mom

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Printers are just machines that very carefully spill liquid.

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How can Superman be so ripped if there's basically no way for him to challenge his muscles?

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My main use for plastic bags is storing other plastic bags in them.

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If people keep getting taller each generation, we should easily be able to tell who among us are timetravellers

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People who say "I'm not your average guy/girl" are usually the most average people I've met.

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An extra 15 minutes awake at night seems like nothing, but I'd kill for 15 minutes extra sleep in the morning

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Someone in human history has actually had the worst day ever.

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Anxiety is like a Spidey-sense, that has absolutely no idea what it's doing

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If I wanted to I could just go out and buy a cake for no reason, yet I never have and I'm not sure why.

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You'd think putting someone's genitals in your mouth would be more gross than sharing a toothbrush, but it's not.

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"It was on the news" is no longer really seen as a legitimate source.

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If all of my dishes are dirty I can live days without using one, but if they are all clean it will only take a couple days for me to use them all again.

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One day I want to be rich enough to need a cart when shopping at Best Buy

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All Voldemort had to do was get Quirrel to make Harry come to his office after class on the first day of school, and slit his throat with a knife. No magic for Dumbledore to detect. Old fashioned murder. What an overachieving idiot.

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A great motivation for losing weight is how rare it is to find a fat person over the age of 80.

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In 60 years, there will be old people listening to trap music nostalgically

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Saying I'm down for something is the same as saying I'm up for something

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Whenever I actually do decide to go out, I think to myself "this is exactly why I never go out".

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$10,000 would change my life, but that's pocket change to a lot of people.

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Some people seem to be more outraged and offended because other people are not outraged and offended by the same things that offend and outrage them.

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It would be really funny if farts were contagious like yawns.

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I want to be famous and powerful enough that I can't be murdered. I can only be assassinated.

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Humans are wrecking Earth so badly that we actually look at Mars (3/4ths the size of Earth, devoid of natural resources, and inhospitable for life) optimistically for our future.

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The music industry went from trying to make recordings sound as good as a live performance, to trying to make live performances sound as good as a record.

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We aren't nearly thankful enough that people's voices don't all sound the same.

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Squirrels must think we bury our dead to enjoy later.

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I can't believe it's 2017 and we still can't buy Girl Scout cookies in bulk.

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A protest is probably the only place where "What's your sign" is a good pick up line.

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Mark Wahlberg is pretty good at portraying Mark Wahlberg in every one of his movies.

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The ages of 13 to 18 seem a hell of a lot longer than 23 to 28.

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My phone doesn't autocorrect when I'm typing all caps because it thinks I'm to angry and doesn't want to get involved.

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If "mad scientist" were a socially acceptable hair style, my mornings would be a lot easier.

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You can tell how good a service is by how fast you're able to unsubscribe.

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Denying Sex Ed for teenagers is like refusing to Baby-proof your house when you have a toddler.

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I think we can all stop saying "flat screen TV's" now. They're all flat screens.

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I Procrastinate so much I even procrastinate going to sleep

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There are two kinds of people. Those who think, "I don't want anyone to suffer like I did." And those who think, "I suffered; why shouldn't they?"

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If someone ever grabs me by the lapels and frantically asks me what the date is, I will be sure to include the year in my answer.

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The solution to every 90s sitcom problem was a cell phone.

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I really thought the hacker group Anonymous would have done something by now.

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When I'm vacuuming and can't get something off the floor, I will run over it from forty different angles for three minutes rather than taking two seconds to bend over and pick it up.

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They should teach you how to change tires and basic fluid check at driving school.

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It makes me really mad when people don't use their blinker turning onto the road that I'm turning out of because I could've pulled out sooner, but when people do use their blinker I still wait until they start turning because I don't trust them.

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Sandy from SpongeBob is one of the strongest female characters in modern TV for kids

• She's a scientist
• Well versed in martial arts
• No need of romantic interest
• Usually the hero
• Adventurous and independent
• Arguably the smartest person in bikini bottom

Discuss.

If you don't drink alcohol because you have recovered from alcoholism you're admired, but if you don't drink and never have, you're weird.

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Porn traffic is probably spiking today because all the women are out and the houses are empty.

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I swallow my own saliva all day, but I would never drink it from a cup.

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Adam Sandler's loser characters' apartment in Big Daddy would be worth $10m+ now.

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I feel at my most British when I'm travelling abroad and get annoyed at poor queuing etiquette

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I've never questioned buying an $8 beer at an event, but I have debated 30 minutes on whether to buy a $.99 app I'll use for a couple months.

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"Finally" is pronounced as 'final - e' but "finale" is pronounced as 'fi - nally'

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iPhones should have a secondary pin you could give the a mugger that would seemingly give them phone access but also alert 911

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If someone broke into my house and didn't take anything, that would be way more worrying.

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When I see a date online I always hope the day is after the 12th so I know if its DD/MM or MM/DD

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It must be ridiculously annoying to keylog a PC gamer.. you'd have to scroll through a ridiculous amount of WWWWWAAAAAASSSSSDDDDD

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Turning 30 in a couple of weeks without a house, husband, kids, career, assets. I can count my friends on one hand and everything I own could fit in a small garden shed. Yet I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life.

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The second someone asks "Are you sure?" I instantly become unsure

Apologies if this has been posted before

I always thought my parents hated it when I left for sleepovers but now I think they probably loved it because they could plow each other.

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When I see someone get hurt, I immediately go to them and ask if they're okay. When I get hurt, I just want to be left alone.

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"I beg your pardon" is such an intense phrase when you think about it...

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I feel like medical marijuana could seriously help the Hulk.

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Fishing is the underwater equivalent of alien abduction.

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I slow down in school zones to avoid a monetary fine, not because I care for the safety of children

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I'm pretty sure 95% of Friends episodes could just be titled "The One With All the Misunderstanding."

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If a shaved guinea pig looks like a tiny hippopotamus. A hippopotamus with hair would probably look like a giant guinea pig.

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If Google matched people up by their browsing history, it could be the greatest online dating website of all time.

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"Every kiss" actually begins with "E."

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I wish that people who posted lost pet signs added updates. I need closure.

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Flying west at 1040 mph is basically the same as staying still while the earth rotates below you

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Both "I have waited for 10 years I can wait a couple of days longer" and "I have waited for 10 years I can't wait any longer" sound like equally sensible arguments to me

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If we don't believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don't believe in it at all.

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It's not that famous people are dying at a faster ratio nowadays, it's that the "being famous" bar has been dramatically lowered

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Snapchat should include a feature that tells you if the snap has only been sent to you.

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Waking up at 5am sounds reasonable, but waking up at 4:45am sounds ridiculous

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I've always thought it was weird how it's normal/acceptable to take a smoke break at work, but frowned upon just to take a break at work.

Especially, the restaurant industry.

Kids these days will never experience the feeling of slamming the phone to hang up on someone.

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A time capsule would be the perfect place to hide a dead body.

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Whenever I see an inspiring story of someone who goes from 600 lbs to lean and fit, I mostly think "Ok, I guess I can get to 600lbs and still recover, so I'm ok for now".

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When I'm standing next to my (5' 3") gf, I see her from the flattering "MySpace angle." She sees me from the "fat underchin" angle.

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Anyone who loses their virginity this year will do it in the Year of the Cock (Chinese Zodiac)

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Someday, kids will complain about being dragged to visit the stupid moon because its so boring and who cares where some dumb old astronauts walked around.

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If Siri listens for me to say, "Hey Siri", then she is probably listening to everything I say

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Calmly walking up the stairs from my basement after I turn the lights out is how I prove to myself that I'm an adult.

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Messenger's "like" button feels more like a "cool story bro" button

Kind of feels rude to use it.

Wet socks are the worst first world problem. We are literally complaining about having both water and socks.

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No matter how old I get, I always feel like everyone older than myself is a "real" adult and I'm just faking it somehow.

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I sometimes avoid buying something of certain brand if I saw a long, unskippable advertisement of it.

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We enslave, torture, and murder billions of cows, pigs, and chickens every year and nobody bats an eye. A dog is forced to swim for a scene in a movie and everyone loses their fucking minds.

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If having kids naturally was as hard as adopting, world population would plummet. If adopting was as easy as having kids naturally, the world would run out of orphans.

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As a 30yo with many years left to retire, seeing my 60yo coworker leave after his last day was like seeing him get out of prison.

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I've received more information in the first 30 minutes of being awake today than most dark age peasants did in a month or more.

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Stairs are just the low res version of a ramp.

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You must own a pair of pants before you can buy a pair of pants.

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As soon as someone tells me I'm funny is usually the exact moment I stop being funny

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My dog is excited everyday when I get home from work, because in dog years I am gone 2 or 3 days.

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If horses were carnivorous they would be terrifying

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"You are no match for me" is a pretty terrible battle cry to shout an an opponent, because it doesn't actually clarify which of you is superior, just that you are mismatched.

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Our society has become so lazy that coworkers act like I ran a 10k when I take the stairs.

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The term "getting stoned" has really evolved over the last 2000 years.

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Telling my friends my Wifi password has become less and less like offering snacks and more like providing water.

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It's really hard for attractive girls to notice me at a party because I'm at home mustering up the courage to talk to them.

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When humans go extinct, no one will be there to change the "conservation status" part of our Wikipedia page to "extinct".

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If I live to be 100 I'll get to hear new 80's music.

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The older I get, the more I want to get off work early and rush home as quickly as possibly to do absolutely nothing but be a part of my couch.

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The phrases "you do you" and "go fuck yourself" ought to be synonymous

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Whenever I say, "it's a long story", it's actually pretty short, I just don't feel comfortable sharing it.

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After you die, at some point in the distant future, someone will think of you for the last time ever, and you will never be thought of again after that.

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After a long day staring at screens, I can't wait to get home and relax with my screens.

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I get paid minimum wage, but my employer gets upset when I do the minimum work

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Life is basically a marathon of who can lap around the sun the longest before getting tired.

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In the next 20 years everything on r/aww will most likely be dead

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Bags should not be labelled "Sandwich Bags" unless they can actually fit a sandwich in them.

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In 500 years NASA could be a travel company

(If we last that long)

It's pretty messed up that we live in a society where everyone works so much so they need stimulants all the time.

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When I was younger the biggest flaw in horror movies was that they never just ditched their house. Now that I'm older and paying for one I'd have to be dragged to hell and back before I ditched 200k.

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If dogs could buy their own food, I doubt many of them would buy dog food.

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Women get bigger boobs if they get fatter. Imagine how the world would look if guys got bigger dicks if they got fatter.

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Most websites are designed to keep you from leaving, but the whole point of Google is to get rid of you as fast as possible.

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I would rather have a 1 hour commute in constant motion than a 30 commute in a traffic jam.

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With Internet Porn being free, I guess people do buy Playboy for the articles.

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When a real person coughs it's no big deal, but when a movie character coughs I'm 99% sure they're going to die.

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In high school when we had assigned seats I always wanted to change seats, but now in college I randomly choose a seat on the first day and sit there the rest of the semester.

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Ten years ago, I felt uncomfortable about making purchases online because of the lack of trustful human interaction. Today, I buy everything online, but am terrified of making Craigslist purchases, because I don't trust the human interaction.

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CPR is the human equivalent of hitting a machine to make it work again

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I wish I could enjoy sleep while sleeping.

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My computer has been almost virus free since i've started listening to my music through Spotify, downloading my games via Steam and watching my porn on Pornhub.

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Porn sites should have a sort feature by percentage of people who left the site after watching the video.

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I have no idea where in my car the sound of the car horn comes from

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For a non-native speaker, making a pun demonstrates the highest understanding of language. As a native speaker, making a pun demonstrates the lowest understanding of comedy.

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If you're still up at 4am chances are that you're either having a great night or a terrible night

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I've never owned a car that inspired enough confidence that I didn't immediately worry every burning smell in traffic might be coming from me.

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The best part of waking up is taking a huge pee and going back to bed

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Never thought opening a bag of chips would make me sad, until our dog passed.

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If your parachute does not deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it

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No one uses the phrase "I'm serious" more often than comedians.

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The saying "potato potato" makes no sense in writing. Altering it to "potato potahto" completely misses the point for it contradicts the saying.

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If Mark Zuckerburg had continued with his first website Hot or Not, we would have had tinder years ago.

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Astrology makes everyone get to feel special while astronomy makes everyone get to feel insignificant

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The cookie monster was the first person to teach me about addiction.

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When my PC gives the option to "eject" a USB stick, I expect it to get spat half way across the room

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Telling an aerospace engineer that the sky is the limit must be pretty insulting to them.

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Being 5'11 is like being a short tall person

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Serotonin, dopamine and endorphins are technically the only things you enjoy.

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Screaming and yelling at customer service is like punching a monitor when your CPU fucks up

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Our grandparents generation complain about how we need 'safe spaces' but they were the ones who wanted separate bathrooms for colored people

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When I was a kid I thought worms eating my apples would be more problematic.

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Someone may find my search history, but I'm glad they'll never see my thought history.

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Eventually, someone will show up dead to a destination in a self-driving car.

Hopefully, freak some fast food workers out in the drive-thru.

The guy that came up with 'ladies first' was probably an ass man

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I care more about being invited than i do about going to the actual event

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It makes me feel superior to set the microwave to 90 seconds instead of 1:30.

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I never see pets with glasses but there must be some who need them.

Poor little pets with fuzzy vision :'(

I'm going tell my kids about how when the Internet used to be so slow the fastest way to get a movie online was for them to mail you a DVD.

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Music is just sculpted air pressure

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As a student people used to tell me how stressful "adult working life" is and how being a student was so easy. But today I am way more relaxed since my job has a defined start and end as opposed to the constant guilt of feeling I should be studying instead of whatever else I was doing.

I probably just had shitty time management as a student...

I secretly race my wife every time we are both putting pillows into pillowcases.

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The majority of people have an above average number of legs.

Many more people have had amputations/missing limbs due to genetic deformities than have extras. Therefore the average number of legs a person has will be slightly less than two.

"I have a startup" is just the older brother of "I'm in a band."

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Someone once estimated the circumference of the earth by the angle of a pillar's shadow. And I need a calculator to find 20% of $16...

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I hate it when I run with a phone and wallet in my pockets because they keep bouncing; I can't fathom how horrible it must feel for women to run while having things bigger than a phone or a wallet on their chest.

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Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers

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I use my nose to breath even if i smell something bad because I don't want the smell to get in my mouth.

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Salt is just tasty rocks.

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Giving your dog a collar is actually giving your best friend a friendship bracelet

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If it was socially acceptable at restaurants... I'd eat the half eaten main plates left on others' tables without hesitation.

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Sports that have a continuous flow of play (Soccer, Rugby, etc.) don't do well in the U.S. because its harder to coordinate the moments of suspense with commercial breaks.

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In the 50s people were fantasizing about robots doing all of our work, now people are terrified of it.

Just kind of funny how the awesome future is now a dystopian nightmare.

There should be laundromats attached to gyms so people can work out while they get their laundry done.

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There should be a reverse "Yelp" where companies/employees can complain about their customers.

Edit: Sorry, i meant "Rate"...

It would probably be even harder to find a piece of hay in a needlestack.

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It seems ridiculous that schools teach us which art to appreciate.

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I almost instinctively play devil's advocate even when my friend says something I completely agree with.

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I always recognize people I've met even just once, but whenever I see someone I don't regularly talk to, I don't say hello because I think they wouldn't recognize me.

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You know you're getting old when you go to bed because you're bored.

Sorry if this is a repost. Haven't been on Reddit a lot.

We never actually open our eyes. We open our eyelids.

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Less than 150 years ago we were still using fire as our main source of light.

Makes you realise how fast technology is changing

The only children's movie reviews that actually matter are those written by children.

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The Simpsons has probably contributed a lot to the popular mistrust of nuclear energy.

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Humans have eaten far more sharks, than sharks have eaten humans.

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If you count insects, the average human has a very high kill to death ratio.

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I always feel bad for my alarm clock when I turn it off before it can wake me. That is it's only job and I took that away. It got ready all night and then bam-I turn it off with no notice

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Dogs spend 12-14 hours sleeping daily. That's the majority of their time. Their dream world is probably more "real" to them than the real world.

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Fried egg and fried chicken are the same food just at different stages.

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People talking while drunk is basically shitposting in real life.

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Football commentators should be an experienced one, and a new one, so that the new one will ask questions that will most likely be asked by new viewers.

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We've had power door locks for our cars since the 50s, so why the hell do most of us still need a key to get into our houses?

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Much like a real spider, Spider-man's greatest enemy is a newspaper.

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There was once a time when all the Mildreds and Janices were hot girls and not grannies

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When I shop for a car I check out Kelly bluebook to approximate what a car is worth. When I go to the doctor I have know idea what I'm going to be charged. We need a Kelly bluebook for healthcare.

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There are still rubik's cubes from the 80's that have been abandoned without ever been solved.

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I recently came to the startling conclusion I will probably never ride a giraffe in my lifetime.

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When you delete pictures, you're freeing a captured moment into the past, never to be seen again.

Unless, of course, you use one of those photo recovery programs.

Gordon Ramsey is one of the few men that can tell a woman to "get back in the kitchen" guilt free.

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Gift cards are the antithesis to "Don't spend it all in one place"

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As a kid, I could hardly wait for my parents to go to sleep so I could play video games... As a parent, I can hardly wait for my kid to go to sleep so I can play video games...

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I wish I was a girl so that I could initiate a hug without having to worry about coming across as weird.

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Kids today have to remember to silence their cell phones when playing Hide And Seek.

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I think my attention span is so bad because I spend all day reading something different every 4 seconds.

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As an introvert gamer. I end up doing the most extroverted thing in a game: Talk to every person I see.

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Life starts getting harder around the same age people stop caring what your favorite color is

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In one year, our generation probably photographs more food than those in third world countries will eat.

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If idle hands are the devil's playground, masturbation is the key to true salvation.

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If you break a pencil you have two pencils, but if you break a pen, you have zero pens.

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All 'based on true story' movies take place in the same cinematic universe.

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On a date when a guy carves their initials into something, why isn't the girl thinking, "he brought a knife?!?"

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If you did not know what a chicken was and ordered chicken fingers, you’d think they are huge.

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A lot fewer people would know what a xylophone was if it didn't start with X.

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Not a single miracle has been recorded since the camera was invented.

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When I was young I though that being able to drink was mature, now I think that people who go out and don't drink are.

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Hiccups never actually go away. They just get further apart.

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If I was immortal, I would just work in a small shop and wait to see if anyone noticed that I hadn't aged

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People love picking on millennials until their computers need to be fixed.

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Whoever named the fireplace must have been a no nonsense kind of guy.

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Unless the age is told, I always assume OP is the same age as me.

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Now that there aren't smoking and non smoking sections in restaurants they should change it to children and non children sections

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As a kid, I loved zoos because I loved animals. As an adult, I hate zoos because I love animals.

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www.hotmail.com sounds more like a porn site than an email inbox

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A flamethrower would be a pretty good weapon if you had to fight Wookies

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The most unbelievable part of a Stranger Things is a single mother of 2 can afford a house while working at a grocery store.

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I would never steal a credit card and use it to pay for stuff, because I'm sure I would not get away with it, but I am scared of people stealing my credit card and using it to pay for stuff, because I'm sure they would get away with it.

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As much as I pay for WIFI, I still feel like its free data for my phone

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If we have to stay low to avoid the smoke during a fire, shouldn't those fire escape maps be closer to the floor?

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When VR porn becomes more common place, the future is going to be filled with kids who were walked in on by there parents and didn't even know.

Edit: Their*

Within 100 years, the Curiosity Mars rover will probably be in a museum on Mars.

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Using Google Maps usually ends up with me trying to beat my estimated arrival time

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Barbers see their customers slowly losing hair and also see themselves slowly losing a customer

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Nobody's lucky or unlucky number is every really big. Or negative. People may be superstitious about 13 or feel lucky with 7 but both kinds of people are indifferent to 88028832840703508340.

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Even if I can understand what is being said, I cannot stop myself from reading the subtitles.

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When offered parmesan cheese at a restaurant I'm never actually satisfied by the amount when I say "that's enough," I'm just uncomfortable with the waiter continuing to stand there any longer.

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Every time I lick an envelope, my saliva becomes more well-traveled than I'll probably ever be.

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I trust my left hand to steer a car but not to operate a spoon.

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All adults are born in the previous century and all children are born in this century.

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If the Rams and Chargers share a stadium, it should be sponsored by Dodge

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A mom joke is usually a joke about someone's mom, but a dad joke is just a joke a dad would say.

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It's extremely easy to nap in jeans, but nearly impossible to sleep in jeans

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Forgetting to eat sounded like such a silly concept when I was younger...

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If Jurassic Park were real, we could extend the turducken concept to ridiculous levels.

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The best racers spend the least amount of time racing.

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If a product is always on sale, it never is.

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When I was 20 and saw a brand I didn't recognize I assumed it was crappy. Now that I'm 40 when I see one I assume it's a hip brand that I don't know about because I'm not cool.

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Trailers for movies should not be allowed to show any scenes from past the quarter mark in the movie

Lots of trailers these days show later parts of the movie which spoils it for the viewer

Having kids is a constant state of not being able to get something done and not being able to do nothing.

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As a new driver, I'm constantly reminded by adults to drive within the speed limit. Yet every adult I know drives over the speed limit.

Edit: shoutout to all the Reddit dads for all the driving advice.

Difficult times create strong people, strong people create peaceful times, peaceful times create weak people, weak people create difficult times.

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The older I get, the more concerned I am that every new ache and pain is going to be permanent

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Going through someones phone is the modern day equivalent of reading someones diary

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The only person my password keeps out is me.

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Setting up a board game is the real-life equivalent of a loading screen

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The phrase “If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” Is a great example of humanity’s over-inflated sense of importance.

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The real reason for an alien invasion would be that they'd be pissed that they saw dinosaurs light years away, and when they came it's just us.

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Witnessing an egging must be the most horrific thing a chicken could ever see.

It's basically tantamount to an ogre chucking fetuses for it's amusement.

I find censorship more offensive than obscenity.

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When you press Caps Lock while using Google Earth it should show you all of the capitals on the map.

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When I was a kid I always wanted to have a cool ringtone. Now I have access to any ringtone I could imagine and I don't even bother to change it from the default

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GPS apps should have a "Just make sure I don't miss my exit then shut the fuck up" option.

It would be right after "Turn By Turn" and "Shut the fuck up until I get out of my neighborhood".

I could mass murder a hundred people today, but when I walk through the door, my dog will be like, "Yay! Dad's home!"

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Teachers saying that wikipedia can be edited by anyone have probably never tried.

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Being labeled a nudist and being labeled a streaker is only separated by speed.

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My Resume is just a list of jobs I never want to do again.

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The thing I miss most about childhood is being more excited for something fun happening the next day than I was to sleep that night.

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Childless sounds sad and lonely but childfree sounds amazing and liberating.

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Maybe the Marines in Halo are so bad at driving because self driving cars are what they all used in their civilian lives in the future

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If I were a surgeon I would put a calender of 2021 anaesthetic recovery room

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Every time I hear a scientist talking about how amazing and complex the brain is I can't help but think it's a bit arrogant. Like, "Hey brain what do you think of yourself?" "I AM A BEAUTIFUL AND MYSTERIOUS UNICORN"

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If my behavior in video games is any indicator, I should be freakishly comfortable with looting things off of dead bodies.

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