If you really think about it, The Wright Brothers are responsible for 9/11.

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If I'm going to be alone for longer than 10 min, I always consider masturbating.

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In the future, imagine how many Go-Pros will be found in snow mountains containing the last moments.

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In an English middle school poetry unit, a kid somewhere probably wrote a masterpiece of the ages, but will never be known because it was only for an assignment.

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Every time I apply for a new job the job application methods have improved dramatically. Maybe some day they will improve to the point where no on asks me to upload my resume and then immediately re-type the whole thing one piece at a time.

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I'm not sure if I'm an introvert or an asshole

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Eventually, somebody will write a term paper titled "The 'Dank Meme' culture of the early 21st Century."

I hope they include me in the screenshot.

I remember the toys from my childhood being amazing. After seeing how basic they are now that I'm an adult, I believe what made then amazing was my own imagination.

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Lying, cheating, and stealing is often discouraged when we are young, yet the most successful people in the world are arguably the best liars, cheaters, and thieves.

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More people know how to correctly use a semicolon in an emotion than in a sentence.

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I realised that if I want to secretly take a photo of something or someone, all I have to do is just smile and pretend to take a selfie.

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People are often amazed by the fact that an elephant can be scared of a mouse, yet I know so many people who are afraid of insects

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The modern sign of a slow day, is the percentage of battery left in your phone by noon.

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Why do people give Bill Gates gold on his AMA post, he has enough money to buy it himself if he wanted to

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I really want to see a uninterrupted time lapse hd zoomed in video of a cut healing.

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Nowadays, the best way not to leave a paper trail is to do everything on paper

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Maybe the ADHD Diagnosis rates are going up not do to mental changes but an increase in the quality and availability of distractions.

Edit: Thank you all for sharing your opinions, I enjoyed reading them. I'm glad my daydreaming could spark a conversation.

Lord of the rings is basically a reverse game of capture the flag.

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I wear glasses instead of contacts not just because I don't like sticking things in my eyes, but also because of how many times my glasses have saved me from accidentally sticking things in my eyes.

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If we never had reposters, a lot of us would miss out on content that we'd have never seen.

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Most movies where the villain is a big corporation trying to make gobs of money were produced by a big corporation in an attempt to make gobs of money.

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I wipe my hands on my pants to clean my hands. I also wipe my hands on my pants to clean my pants.

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When someone brags about their kids I automatically think that they are little shits.

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My smoke alarm sure beeps a lot for something that claims it's needed new batteries for 8 months

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Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.

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If aliens in fact do not exist, we'll never know that for certain.

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Samurai Jack ripping off his shirt in practically every episode must have been a moment of realization for a lotta gay kids.

Yes, I've been binge-watching for season 5.

For about 160 days in 1957, there was just a dead dog orbiting around earth.

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I wish there was a button you could press when you're really horny that gives you post orgasm rational.

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A really underrated accomplishment is that toilets don't require power to flush

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I visualize negative thoughts as pop-up ads. I close them as soon as they appear

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If you are having trouble falling asleep, the moment you realize it is the moment you're screwed

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I've never heard anyone ever actually say "chivalry is dead." Everyone just says "and they say chivalry is dead."

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If you saw different colors, but learned the same names for them, nobody would ever know

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I've been a fan of Arnold Swatchznegger for over 25 years and I still can't spell his second name

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If we're going to combat "fake news" the news companies should really re-define what "news" is. Because I honestly give zero fucks about Kim Ks ass when North Korea is about to start WW3.

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Snapchat is ruining all the progress we made on getting people to take horizontal videos.

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It's weird that farts are still considered taboo, despite us all knowing every human in the world does it.

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In kindergarten, every student in my school released a balloon with a note inside containing our personal addresses and a solicitation for a random pen pal. To this day, I marvel at the fact that none of us was abducted.

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If every celebrity who attended the Oscars would have taken the money they spent on their clothing for the evening and instead donated it to a charity, it would probably be in the millions.

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We are currently closer to the year 2043 than to 1990

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If someone ever talks about how intelligent they are, I automatically assume that they aren't intelligent

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Using wind energy to power a fan is like shipping wind long distance

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I can lie awake all night tossing and turning but as soon as my alarm goes off I have the ability to instantly fall asleep.

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When restaurants got rid of smoking sections they should have taken the opportunity to make a child free section.

Most would call this the bar, but the difference between screaming children and screaming adults lies in which you can tell off.

In 100 years, this subreddit will be filled with thoughts of dead people.

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On a planet far away they're looking at us and saying, "life couldn't exist there; it's full of water and there's too much oxygen in the atmosphere".

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If life had a reset button, I would have probably pressed it a few times already.

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As straight male who frequently watches porn, ive probably seen more dicks than my mum, grandmother and great grandmother combined.

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Even as an adult a small part of me still dies inside when I see a balloon floating away into the sky.

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The most important conversational skill is knowing when to end a conversation

No one likes a conversation lingerer

Everyone looks guilty on CCTV.

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When I was younger and I spilled juice I always figure my parents got mad because of the mess I made, but now as I'm older and buying things for myself I'm starting to think it might be because juice is expensive

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I'm always excited for the return of warm weather until I remember how much I hate bugs.

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When I was 14, I thought I was so cool because I hung out with 20 year olds. Now that I've grown up I've realized that they were weirdos for hanging out with me.

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How come flies can so easily get into my house, but they can't seem to figure out how to get out.

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Wearing something with a logo on it is essentially paying a company to advertise them.

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Maybe popular colleges are only so prestigious because they only admit people who are smart/rich and would have succeeded in life anyway.

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Two eggs, over-easy, seems like enough for breakfast but two eggs, scrambled, seems like nothing

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How come pink is considered to be a different colour than red but light green is considered to be a lighter shade of green?

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If a naked woman wears sunglasses it's like she's wearing the opposite of a burqa

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A treehouse is the ultimate insult. "I killed your friend, here, hold him."

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Whichever drawer the birthday candles are in is the "junk drawer"...

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I turn 50 this year. 25 years ago,, I knew everything. Today, I don't know what the hell is going on and I second guess everything.

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I may be the sperm that won, but I'm also the only egg that was available.

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Maybe there are so many attractive Redditors' grandmothers on r/oldschoolcool because two-thirds of the population wasn't overweight back then.

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Mars is the only planet known to be solely inhabited by functioning robots.

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A human gets buried at the end of their life, but a plant gets buried at the beginning of theirs.

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If you step on someone's foot, they open their mouth just like trash cans.

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When I see someone driving the same brand car as me, I automatically assume we're friends.

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Letting go of a balloon is like long distance littering.

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I really appreciate all the wealthy people who buy nice clothes, take good care of them and then give them to thrift shops.

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If parents see me gaming, leave and come back an hour later and I am still playing, they will assume I was gaming the whole time. If parents see me studying, leave and come back another hour later and I am still studying, they will assume I was gaming the whole time.

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Every time I take my infant son to the doctor, I feel like I'm getting approved to keep my baby for three more months

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I want to teach my daughter to play guitar just so someday when some schmuck tries to impress her with that generation's "Wonderwall" equivalent, she can destroy him.

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As someone with ADHD, people are more likely to wonder what drugs I'm on when I'm not on any, and less likely when I am

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If you froze an egg and threw it through somebody's window while they're not in, they would come home to a broken window and a raw unscathed egg and wonder how the hell it happened...

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I wonder how many engagement rings fall from the top of the Eiffel Tower every year.

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When we are no more, evolved insects will have myths about titans.

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There should be a GPS option that gives you fun facts about the places you drive through.

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I always skip steps when walking up stairs but if every other step were missing I'd be pissed

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Toasters should eject toast at least a foot into the air like in the cartoons.

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Dog food can say it's any flavor. It's not like you're going to ever try it

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As a little kid, being 3 times my regular height while sitting on my dad's shoulders was fun. As an adult, being 3 times my regular height while climbing a ladder is terrifying.

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When I see "wtffffff" I think what the fuuuuuuuuuck instead of what the fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

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Whenever I see a motorcycle for sale, I picture some poor dude getting yelled at by his wife.

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I live in a time where a major selling point for food is that it uses "real" ingredients.

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With an average of 7 lbs of feces inside them, 536 people have been to space. It costs ~10k per pound for a trip to space. We've spent around $32.5 million shipping literal shit into space.

Progress!

"Oh and the wifi password is ..." is this century's "Make yourself at home".

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Whenever I get a calendar I automatically go to my birthday month and see if my picture is the best

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I've gone decades in my life without considering that Scooby is probably named after the snack, and not the other way around

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Scientists are going to be pissed when they send probes to the new exoplanets and find that the vikings got there hundreds of years before them.

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Drug dealers are portrayed as criminals, but I buy weed from a single dad with 3 jobs and 2 kids who's just trying to get by..

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I would be more willing to rate an app if I wasn't redirected from it to rate it.

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I sincerely hope I live long enough to see "I am the kid who fell in Harambe's enclosure, AMA."

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I'd be more upset catching one of my kids smoke cigarettes than marijuana.

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I bet at some point when Pavlov heard a bell toll he had the urge to feed his dogs.

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You never really pay attentiom to how many cars of a specific brand are in your city untill you buy that brand of car.

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It wouldn't surprise me if the Furby I had as a child is still creepily singing and cackling in a landfill somewhere.

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Bragging about big boobs when you're fat is like bragging about having days off when you're unemployed.

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"Saying "I've lost the stylus for my tablet" would have also made sense 2000 years ago."

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Never once have I written an email and thought, "I hope they know I sent this from my iPhone."

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I dress and act professional all day long just to look good and impress people who are also only acting professional.

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I feel safer when I'm around firefighters than when I'm around cops.

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Monopoly would be a lot more realistic if everyone started out with wildly different amounts of money

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I learned how to spell amateur correctly from internet porn.

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Those who say "It's not about the money" or "I don't care about money" tend to be those with a lot of money.

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You'd swallow your own spit if it was in your mouth, but if it was in a cup you would never drink it.

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In Scooby-Doo, every single mystery the gang ever encountered always had a logical explanation, and the only unexplainable thing was having a dog that could talk.

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Despite not knowing what airplanes were when I was a baby, I sure let a lot of them fly into my mouth

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Even though I've never counted to a billion, I know I can

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Ireland is both one sea and one "c" away from Iceland.

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When a wife wears her husband's shirt, it's endearing. But if a husband wears his wife's shirt, all of a sudden there's a problem.

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Iced coffee is delicious but cold coffee is gross

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All pets basically suffer from Stockholm Syndrome.

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As a kid I dreamt of being an adult so I could eat whatever I wanted. Now I wish my parents were around to tell me I can only have one cookie.

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Just realized that even though I live in the most technologically advanced era, if I went back to the 1800s I have absolutely no skills that would advance civilization. Just a lot of great ideas.

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There are only two types of Taco Bell employees. The ones that give you two packets of sauce and the ones that give you twenty. There is no in between.

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It's a lot easier to win an argument with a smart person than with a dumb person

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I'm not gay but the price I would suck a dick is going down year by year. When I was 20 it would have been a million plus. At 38, I'd say 300K

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When I was a child, my mom would get mad at me when the computer was slow and blame viruses on me. Now that I'm gone and I go visit home, and her computer is slow, I get mad at her for viruses.

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The most unrealistic thing about science laboratories in TV/movies is the lack of computer instruments still running on Windows 2000 or XP.

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The game marry,fuck and kill could be renamed wed, bed and behead.

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Seth Rogen is sort of like the new Adam Sandler. He's been in some good movies but he mostly just uses his fame to make dumb stuff with his friends.

Edit: Oh wow, I turned my back for a while and this blew up a bit

I just want a place that doesn't talk to me while giving me a haircut

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What if aliens already tried to radio us, but it hit the planet 200 years ago, and we just missed it, and now they think there's nothing here...

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Molly Pitcher brought water to the troops in the Revolutionary War, and made history. They say well-behaved women rarely make history, but she made history and behaved exactly like a well.

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Meowth trying to catch Pikachu has just been a cat and mouse game this whole time.

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We never stop clapping. Every clap is just a longer time till our next clap.

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People find it ridiculous that an elephant can be scared of a mouse yet so many humans are terrified of insects

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In 50 years there's probably going to be a bunch of vaping grandpas

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Between 251-65 million light years away exists a view of earth with dinosaurs on it.

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I realize i could never be a spy due to the constant growling of my stomach and bones/joints popping and cracking as I walk that would give away my position.

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The oldest living person, born in 1899, can't sign up for any websites without lying about their age

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What if we can't travel through mirrors because we are always pushing ourselves back from the other side...

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Most adults take their kids on vacation with them so that their kids can have a few good vacations before they grow-up. Because when they grow-up, they won't have a good time on vacations because they will have to take their fucking kids with them.

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If all of a sudden I stopped aging, I wonder how many years would pass before I noticed.

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If you took a person from the year 1817 and brought them forward to 1917 then it would probably take them a few months to adjust. If you took a person from 1917 and brought them forward to 2017 then their head would probably explode.

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"You're going to hear from my lawyer is the adult version of "I'm gonna tell my mommy"

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As a child I pretended to like carrots for my parents. As an adult I pretend to like them for my child. I fucking hate carrots.

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I was born in 1988. I was 24 years old before I ever saw a year where all four numbers were different; 2013.

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Tell a random stranger how to raise their child and they'll get triggered, write a book on raising children and they'll pay you for your advice.

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2-22-2022 Will be a 2's day and a Tuesday.

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The reason why it seems like the washer or dryer only eats one sock is because if it ate a whole pair, I would never notice.

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Even the worst armies that got slaughtered probably had at least one great soldier who thought 'my teammates suck'

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The creator of Yelp figured out how to make a profit by essentially blackmailing every restaurant.

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LPT should really be named "You will forget this in 5min anyway"

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It's off-putting that ( ) ( ) isn't a palindrome, yet ( ) ) ( is.

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I’m pretty sure if my dog could talk his most common phrase would be “Are you going to eat that?”

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You can eat half a pancake, but you can't cook half a pancake.

It would just be a smaller pancake.

I'm almost 38, but when I'm expecting company, every headlight, every car engine, every door shutting makes me excited. And usually disappointed.

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As a kid I hated eating leftovers. As an adult I love eating leftovers, because I don't have to cook.

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The confidence I have in the quality of my posts decrease by 90% after I click 'submit'.

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In my life I've bought at least 20 pairs of nail clippers because I lost the last pair, but I never take them out of my house meaning there's at least 19 places I haven't seen in my own house

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I normally have full control of my internal monologue, but the moment it starts singing I can never shut it up.

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I never think of my belt as dirty until I realize I've never washed it and it is also usually the first thing I touch after wiping my ass.

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I think true friendship is achieved when you and a friend can sit in silence with each other and it not be awkward

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Whenever Santa Claus is depicted doing the deliveries, he does one house then pisses off miles away. You'd think that next door would be a good next move.

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If banks made 6 billion dollars from overdraft fees last year, then banks made 6 billion off of people who don't have money.

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I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist anymore.

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Every time you clog a toilet you've exceeded someone's expectations.

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Going to the bathroom with your cellphone at work is this generation's smoke break.

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In 50 years, we'll judge the marketing of sugary snacks to children the same way we currently judge the marketing of cigarettes to children.

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Continents begin with 'A' and end with 'A'. Except for Europe, which begins with 'E' and ends in 'E'.

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Teenage me would be so mad at present me if he saw me turn down sex because I'm "tired."

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If dentists make a living off fixing peoples teeth why should I buy a toothpaste they recommend?

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I've come to the conclusion that I'm just smart enough to realize how genuinely stupid I really am.

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If I pretend to have a secret and not tell anyone that I don't actually have one, then my secret is that I don't have a secret.

it was a cold shower btw.

At this point, anti-smoking commercials are getting more annoying than smokers themselves

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There's probably alot advances in the world we aren't exposed to yet because businesses still want to make more money off the old.

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My Steam account is far more secure than my bank account... and also worth more

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Stephen Hawking is like a gamer who put all of his skill points in intelligence.

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A few hundred years ago, people were fat because they could afford it. Now people are fat becuase they cant afford to be skinny

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When I was a kid, I always thought that Velma's (from Scooby Doo) struggles in finding her glasses were exaggerated; now, as a grown up with incredibly poor vision, I sympathize entirely.

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There should be a medical bracelet for "delete my internet history".

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It doesn't matter what's stuck to the toilet bowl, I will try to peeblast it off.

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Team Rocket could make their big bucks just by opening a Pokémon translator with their talking Meowth.

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If I die choking on a gummi bear, I hope my friends and family will tell everyone I was killed by a bear.

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The entirety of the Star Wars movies is the Skywalker family fucking up everything for the rest of the Galaxy for 100 years

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Every commercial that tells kids "grown-ups are too stupid to get why it's cool!" was written by an adult manipulating stupid children.

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I mainly use my drivers license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive

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Bathroom lights should have 2 settings: Normal and It's 3 AM and I Have To Drop a Deuce But I Don't Want To Be Wide Awake Afterwards.

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Whenever a stranger greets me as "my friend" I automatically don't trust them

Like when someone approaches me in a public place and says "how are you doing my friend" they're almost certainly trying to scam me or sell me something

Having children is deliberately encumbering one's self with the shittiest roommates imaginable for the next 20+ years.

...and you'll go to jail if you kick them out for shitting on the carpet.

A dragon can't blow its birthday candles out

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College mascots are the jocks of the furry community.

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If the media says you were "assassinated", then you were important. If they say you were "killed in cold blood", then they're going to make your killer important.

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If the auto industry had done what the computer industry has done for the last 50 years, a car would cost $500.00 and get a million miles per gallon.

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My knowledge of shampoo ingredients has dropped significantly since I got a phone

Its a new form of pooping entertainment

Whenever I see a post that ends with "think about that" or "let that sink in" it just makes me think that that person isn't smart enough to articulate their thoughts clearly. Something to think about.

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It would be cool if certain social sites sold anti-gold that allowed you to gift assholes with extra ads.

I would totally buy that.

Bill Nye is doing shitty detergent commercials, but I guarantee he could do a Kickstarter titled "Give me money so I don't have to do shitty detergent commercials" and get at least a million bucks.

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What if the songs stuck in your head are just the soundtrack of the movie you're unknowingly staring in?

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Whenever I look at anyone else's handwriting, I think about how cool it would look as a font. When I see my own, I wonder if I've got a mental condition.

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When I die, I hope it's in the morning so I don't have to go to work for no reason.

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If someone does sign language with a burger in their hand is that the equivalent of speaking with your mouth full to deaf people?

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I won't throw away an empty plastic grocery bag because that would be wrong, but once I put something inside it, it is perfectly acceptable to throw it away.

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The only time I want to sleep is right when I wake up.

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Porno movies are the only movies that get better the more holes the plot has.

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I wish there was a way to be naked but also have pockets.

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2/20/2017. Today's date looks like it's stuttering.

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Just a thought. I see a lot of older people post that we survived lead paint, no seatbelts, no helmets etc. You do understand there are people who didn't right? That's probably why they can't post it on FB.

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If cats could text you back, they probably wouldn't.

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Orange juice is always referred to as "OJ", although apple juice is never referred to as "AJ".

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To be perfectly honest, if we introduced the ancient romans to the internet and all the modern wonders of the world, it would probably take them like 3 minutes to start sending each other dick pics.

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In The Lion King, Rafiki's staff sounds exactly like a cat toy, which might be why all the lions are drawn to him..

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I wonder if anyone else gets a thrill when the turn signal lines up with the song tempo

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Grocery stores in California charge $0.10 for 1 paper bag to discourage waste, but they mail everyone in the neighborhood paper junk mail without anyone asking for free

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Saying someone has a good taste in music is really just complimenting your own taste

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Whenever a movie has subtitles, even if the movie is in my language I can't help but read them

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The sorting hat increased polarization and instability in the wizarding world by sorting youngsters into predefined echo chambers, so they grow up without understanding opposing viewpoints

Probably sold all their personal data to marketing companies too.

If you ever DON'T want a cat to be someplace, pick it up and put it there.

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The world has a birthday every year, but we don't know when it is

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What if Han Solo actually has no idea what Chewbacca is saying

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Whoever made up "Big foot, big dick" had a big foot and a small dick.

was trying to make him self feel better

I feel like part of being an adult is knowing there is food at home and then actually going home and eating it.

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I look both ways before crossing a one way street. That's how much faith I have left in humanity.

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My fear of losing my freedom and going to prison slightly outweighs my desire to kill. That's why I'm considered sane.

I'm not crazy.

Whenever someone else is using my computer, I'm always paranoid that porn will pop up, but I've never had that problem when I'm using it alone.

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When Google doesn't show suggestions for your question you know the question must be really fucking stupid

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Willy Wonka claims Oompa Loompas came from some mysterious forest no one has heard of. But he has candy that can change the color and size of kids. Coincidence?

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People who think money can't buy happiness usually are lacking one or the other

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My definition of a period: Uterus wants baby. Uterus doesn't get baby. Uterus wants revenge.

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There are over 100 billion dead people. If there is a skeleton war, the living don't stand a chance.

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I adore sleep so much that if I hear my morning alarm during the day, my heart rate skyrockets.

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It they made an alarm clock that sounded like a dog vomiting, no one would ever oversleep.

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"Given the choice between $1,000,000,000 or a single chicken wing, a dog will choose the chicken wing every time.

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Superman should actually be thin and scrawny as there's nothing on Earth to offer him a proper resistance workout

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I feel more satisfied when my anti-virus scan shows it's found some viruses than when it comes up empty.

This obviously doesn't apply if it ends up finding a shit ton of viruses though...

I would comment more on Reddit, but since the post already has 5,000 comments, nobody is gonna read it anyway...

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Despite the fact that I stare at it all day long, my cell phone is never in my dreams.

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Calling a girl "Mommy" during sex sounds a lot weirder than her calling you "Daddy"

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The older I get, the harder I find it to watch "guy gets hurt doing something stupid" videos because I start to think more about their medical bills, time off work, permanent injuries etc and less how about funny it was

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I will never make it to the front page because I don't own a dog, I don't care about Elon Musk, and every time I try and take a picture of my cat it runs away and shows me it's butt.

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Imagine if there was a GPS that only used "warmer" and "colder" to give directions.

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There are probably a lot of sweet google search histories starting with "How to approach a girl" and ending few years later with "How to propose"

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When I was a kid, I wished my candy lasted longer. In my twenties, I wished my sex lasted longer. In my thirties, I wish my money would last longer. When I'm older, I'll wish my life lasted longer.

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I've noticed that I no longer notice what pop-up's say but instead, when the screen brightness dips, I start scanning the corners of my screen for the [X] button

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I can't believe I have to keep washing this stupid body for the rest of my life

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It's easier to explain same sex marriage to my nephews than it is to explain console exclusivity.

They're in love so they got married. "Oh. Cool."

"But you have Minecraft, and I have Minecraft, just join my server." Wish I could bud, but we've got a PS4 and you've got an XBox. "Yeah, join my server."

Just realised, the louder the volume in a horror movie, the more horror I experience. If muted it turns to comedy.

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I will be the last person to die in my lifetime.

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If time is money, and money is the root of all evil, then wasting time is fighting evil.

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Anything can be a UFO if you're bad enough at identifying things

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I wonder if an egg I ever ate, came from a chicken I ate.

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Being 17 years old is like beating everything in the free version of a game, and but not having enough money to buy the full version.

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As a kid, teachers told me Wikipedia wasn't a reliable source. Now, it's the only source I unquestionably trust.

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There are only two days in our lives that aren't 24 hours long.

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I get road rage walking behind people.

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30 second un skipable adds make me less likely to buy a product.

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Sometimes I zone out so hard that I become aware that I've zoned and don't feel like refocusing

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You don't feel wet if you're completely underwater.

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Dropping an ice cream cone as an adult is 10x sadder than as a kid because you personally paid for it

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I always feel like an asshole when I haven't reached out to a friend I haven't talked to in a long time... But then I realize that they never reached out to me either.....

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r/freespeech shouldn't have any moderator

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Cleaning the house while your kids are still home is like shoveling while it's still snowing.

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Dropping your beer as an adult is the same as letting go of your balloon as a child.

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I can't just enjoy certain songs, I have to listen to them on repeat until I hate them

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1-800-seconds would be a great phone number for a 30-minute delivery service.

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We don't know how many people succeeded at faking their own deaths because they were successful.

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Once you get with a MILF, she's just a MIF

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People who think there is no male item of clothing that women will interpret as an open invite to sexual harrassment has never worn a kilt

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Mosquitoes are grossly overlooked as a threat during a zombie apocalypse.

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You should always dab when you sneeze. That way, the germs will cringe to death.

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People used to buy ringtones.

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"One man's junk is another man's treasure" needs to be put on a nice big sign at a pride parade.

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If programs on my computer would ask me to update them when i closed the program instead of when i open them, a lot more programs would get updated.

Seriously, when i open a program it's because I want to use it, so asking me if i'm ok with not being able to use a program for a while as soon as I open it to use it is a bad idea. idk who came up with that one

It's natural for whales and dolphins to come to the surface for air, but if a land species had to constantly go to the water to breathe, it would be weird as fuck.

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"Pub?" "Pub." is the shortest conversation in the British language.

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I just noticed that dancers count 5-6-7-8 because musicians took 1-2-3-4.

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Physics is basically Mathematics with a backstory and lore attached.

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Bill Gates is like a video game character who's unlocked everything. All he can do now is self-imposed challenges like cure malaria to keep things interesting.

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If my wife were to tell me she had masturbated at work, I would probably find it arousing. If I were to relate the same to her, she would think I had gone insane.

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Horror movies should put in high pitched noises that only your dog can hear at scary parts of the movie so it seems like your dog is going crazy for no reason at all

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I realize time traveling doesn't exists because someone, more than likely, would go back and kill someone like Hitler. But then I wonder if time traveling does exists and much much worse people have been killed. We would never know the bullet that we dodged.

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A quesadilla is just a Mexican grilled cheese.

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If you pirate music or movies instead of buying a copy, then you're a scumbag. If you read a book from the public library instead of buying a copy, then you're a cultured part of your local community.

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If life was a videogame, there would be an achievement for buying a Bic pen, using it until it runs out of ink and never lose it.

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I don't hate being lazy. I hate how much I enjoy being lazy.

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My goals in life seem to have very good goalies

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If the camera adds 10 pounds, Unicef commercials become that much more brutal.

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The biggest thing you'll ever touch is the Earth

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People who are good looking but have a terrible personality, are real life clickbaits

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I will never click on the top hit for my search on Google if it has the "ad" icon on it. Even though the second one that I actually click on is usually the exact same website and URL as the first.

Because, you guys know, fuck ads.

"Jolly Rancher" is sort of the opposite of "Grim Reaper"

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Giving teenagers fully developed emotions before their brains are sufficiently developed to deal with those emotions is probably the greatest evolutionary trolling in the history of human existence.

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Intentionally losing a game of rock paper scissors is just as hard as winning it.

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I wonder how many views Gangnam Style got because of people who just wanted to see how many views it had

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Whoever starts the "Happy Birthday" song can set the pitch and the speed at which the song is sung.

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I used to wait several minutes for an image to load or several hours to download an MP3. Now, if a gif takes longer than 5 seconds to load I just think 'pass' and hit the back button.

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I don't respect Bill Gates for being the richest person alive as much as I respect him for not using all that money to be a huge douchebag.

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I'm so focused on looking like I'm super invested in what someone is saying that I forget to pay attention to what they're saying

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If I think about food, I get hungry. If I think about sex, I get an erection. If I think about puke, I get queasy. If I think about sleep, I lay awake all night.

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Your boner is just a bar graph telling you how turned on you are.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

In 20 years, kids will think the Amazon rainforest was named in honor of the online shopping website

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Whenever I hold my baby daughter in front of a mirror, I wonder if she ever thinks she's me, the tall guy with glasses (her father) instead of the bald little baby in his arms

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Anti-vaxxers tend to be vaccinated, and not have autism.

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When I drink milk, I drink the milk of hundreds of cows mixed together.

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The moon is just Earth's pet rock.

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The older I get the more I see people as grown up children

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I tell my dog "I love you" far more often than I tell my family members, despite the fact that she can't even understand me

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If I were approached by a person 4 feet taller and 10 times stronger than me, I'd be very uncomfortable. But toddlers are totally cool with it.

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I don't like watching movies on my phone because I can't mess around on my phone while watching the movie.

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Being the World's Most Boring Man is a Catch-22, because they are automatically more interesting than the world's second most boring man.

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It is normal to eat the same thing every day for breakfast, but it would be weird to eat the same thing for dinner every day.

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Scooby Doo taught us that the real monsters are humans.

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I thought the Bermuda Triangle was going to be a bigger problem in my life when I was younger

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I just realised that every idea in this subreddit has been thought by someone naked

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The last person on Earth to die won't get a funeral.

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Since the earth is traveling at 67,000 mph through space in a corkscrew pattern, if I went back in time I would be left floating in space somewhere.

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If the machines do rise up and take over the world, I just hope my devices remember how good I was them.

Edit: to them

I feel like sending a letter across the country overnight is a more impressive technological advancement than sending an email

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If I can’t find what I’m looking for on the first page of Google, I’d rather reword my search than continue on to page two.

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I am totally indifferent to people with license plates from my home state, until I'm out of town, then we're best friends.

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Without fail, every time I see someone pregnant, my mind whispers: " she had sex".

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When you're sick and you cough multiple times and then sneeze, it's just the virus in your body pulling off a sweet combo.

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If radios weren't put in cars, almost no one would listen to it anymore

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You stop getting money in Birthday cards right around the age you need extra cash the most.

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Australia is spelt with three A's, but they all sound different...

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I still assume 70s were 30 years ago

and 80s were 20 years ago.

I would much rather watch a movie that I don't like with someone who likes it, than watch a movie I like with someone who doesn't like it.

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There should be a hardcode mode on GTA where you get stars for things like minor traffic offences or Jaywalking

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Someone should start a noodle delivery restaurant named Send Noods.

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We are all time travelers, we just happen to be traveling at the default speed of time.

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The lottery is a Kickstarter to make one guy super rich.

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I have always considered myself a pessimist until I am nearly out of fuel in my car.

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Retirement homes for our generation will be like 90% video games. And it'll be amazing.

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We should all take a moment and be grateful our bodies don't shit in our sleep

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Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool.

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Masturbating to other people fucking, is a weird way of finding happiness in other people's happiness.

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If you have 2 choices, and one of them is taken away, you have 0 choices

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If you are no longer covered by your parents' health insurance, your manufacturer warranty is over

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Pay phones are disappearing to make it harder to escape the Matrix.

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Being alone on Valentine's Day is definitely better than feeling alone with someone you love on Valentine's Day.

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If I could see my own daily "battery life", I'd probably go to bed a lot earlier.

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You do a lot of weird shit in other people's dreams.

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Being first in line in the right-turn lane at a red light is a lot of fucking pressure.

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2016 sucked so bad, I haven't once forgotten to put 2017 when writing out the date..

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In fifty years, my fellow millennials and I will be senior citizens complaining about how no one knows how to drive a car anymore.

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I should keep "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" containers and put other things in them, so when I open them later, I'm right.

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Selling cookies is supposed to help the Girl Scouts learn confidence and business skills, but just like in real life, the winner is the kid whose parents have a ton of money and can pressure their employees into buying cookies from their daughter.

A coworker came around trying to get me to buy his daughter's cookies and I said no on principle. I also won't buy from the parents, I make the Scout give me the sales pitch.

When I was a kid (not a Girl Scout), I diligently went door to door and sold my neighbors the cookies/stationery/wrapping paper/whatever my school gave me to sell. Then I found out that fucking Ashley's dad owned the big chain of furniture stores around the state, and basically got all of his employees in every store to buy something. I got smoked, not even in the running. My "prize" was some little pencil topper and fucking Ashley went to Space Camp (or something, the top prize was a trip somewhere, probably not Space Camp).

Fucking Ashley.

I wouldn't care one bit if my future kids turned out to be gay, but I would be devastated if they had a peanut allergy.

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"You need money to make money" may as well be "fuck the poor"

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No one get's disgusted by hair until it's no longer attached to your body

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We refer to Valentines Day as a made-up holiday, but when you really think about it every holiday is made-up.

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My mom gifting me underwear is okay. Me gifting my mom underwear is not.

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The fact that any of the places on Gordon Ramsay's show Kitchen Nightmares are still open for business at the time of the filming really makes me lose my faith in health inspections

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My college professors are nothing like my high school teachers said they would be

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If you stuck your head in ground, Earth becomes your helmet.

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Drive-throughs that won’t serve pedestrians are basically saying they have a strict dress code that requires you to wear a car.

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I know I'm enjoying a show on Netflix when I start managing time by how many episodes I can watch.

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When I was a kid I thought I could eat pizza every single day and not get sick of it and now that I'm an adult it turns out I was right.

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When you drop your phone face down, it turns into Schrödinger's phone

There's no way of knowing if the screen's broken or not, unless you pick up the phone.

If you think you'll regret something in the morning, be a problem solver & sleep until noon.

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If a human baby was raised by Chimpanzees, then taken to civilization and taught English, he could be a translator and reveal all the secrets of Chimpanzees to humans.

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Most people born in November were mistakes made on Valentine's Day

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When I was a kid in the 80's and 90's, being radical was a good thing.

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Why does Garfield hate Mondays? He has no school or work and is a cat, he literally has no responsibilities besides laying in bed.

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When people rave over Beyoncé... I feel like Ben in regards to little Sebastian.

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Flight attendants must feel like adult babysitters. All that most passengers ever do is just eat, sleep, and choose inopportune moments to use the bathroom.

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We are annoyed when a pet wakes us up for attention, but we find it acceptable to wake them for attention

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Of all the things that can be described as "juicy," juice is not one of them.

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It's sad as a society that we have to put "made with real __" on our food products

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Someone cared about Butthead enough to pay for him to have braces.

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The amount of people who say "Bless you." in a classroom when you sneeze, is either an indicator of how popular you are or how collectively bored the class is.

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Drinking water is like a curse. You have to do it all your life and if you don't, you die.

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In the bedroom, there's a big difference between "don't, stop" and "don't stop"

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It would be really nice if that little piece of flesh beside the earhole folded over itself as a type of biological noise reducer

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When you eat an apple, you're really eating an apple tree fetus.

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I've been living in my house for 16 years yet always turn on the wrong light switches

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I wish they would make a Darth Vader stand alone movie about him hunting the Jedi during the rise of the Empire

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Monday the 13th should be bad luck. Atleast Friday the 13th is on a Friday

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Technically, a small child has a 50% chance of putting their shoes on the right feet. Yet for some reason, their success rate remains below 10%

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College has taught me you don't need fun to have alcohol.

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I just saved a bunch of money on Valentine's day by switching to single.

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I always overestimate how good my posture is when I'm adjusting my rear view mirror.

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John Wilkes Booth might be the most influential actor of all time

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Delivering door-to-door leaflets is just precision littering

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"Home" is where your phone charger is near the bed.

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I’m glad dogs can’t read the “no dogs allowed” signs so they don’t feel sad and left out.

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When you pee in a dream and don't wake up covered in piss it almost feels like you've won a prize or something

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Wall-E is the kids version of a Black Mirror episode.

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People who say sex is the best feeling have never worn socks for 24 hours or more straight and took them off and scratched their ankle.

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As a 35 year old, seeing athletes my age retire or be denied new contracts because they are "too old" is depressing as fuck

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Earthquakes are only so destructive because of all the shit we've built.

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When I see a child behaving very well in public, I don't know if they have really nice parents, or really terrifying parents.

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Luke would have looked like a huge asshole if he missed that shot after turning off his targeting computer

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Bubble wrap is the perfect way to engage in biological warfare. You just introduce viruses that way

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I've been looking at myself in the mirror at least once a day for over 40 years, and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to accurately describe what I look like to a police sketch artist.

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An airplane is the safest place to be during an earthquake.

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Tom Hanks is a terrible Captain. His spacecraft suffered catastrophic failure, his plane crashed, his ship was commandeered, and his combat unit was virtually wiped out.

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It's odd that we have a liquid named gas.

I get that it's actually gasoline, but still, gas is its common name.

We live in a world where people eat each other's assholes but complain about double dipping chips

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When I desperately try to stop my dog from eating something dangerous he must just think I'm the greediest asshole on the planet.

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I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think "well thats never going to happen."

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Sayings are essentially very old memes

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People will say, "somewhere it's 5 o'clock" when they reference day drinking. But nobody ever says, "somewhere it's 9am" when they pour an evening cup of coffee.

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I have seen Kim Kardashian naked multiple times, but I have never once heard her speak.

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When I get too much dip on one chip I eat a plain chip after to balance out the ratio.

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I wonder how many times we came across somebody we know in real life on the internet, without even noticing it.

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There should be a game where you start off as a the first zombie and you are the one starting the apocalypse and try not to get killed by the human population

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The trippiest thing about switching bodies would be eating the foods you don't like, and them tasting good to you.

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Memes are too big in modern culture to be ignored by historians. In the future, memes will likely be studied in history class.

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If people that had biological kids had to go through the same approval process that adoptive parents have to go through, there would be a lot fewer kids.

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My favorite measurement of human achievement is literally how far we have thrown humans from Earth.

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Its only when your friends set you up on a date that you truly know what league you're in.

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Cells multiply by dividing.

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I bet that insurance rates in the Marvel universe are fucking insane

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I would much rather sit through a sonnet written by an engineer than drive over a bridge designed by a poet.

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Today I wore my shark jammies under my uniform at work because it was cold and it felt like a metaphor for being an adult

Sorry for the long thought

Whenever an app asks me if I "love it" or "hate it", I always put "hate it" because I dislike it asking me.

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John Wick is the perfect movie adaptation of a video game that doesn't exist

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In 15 years half of the geologists will probably have been inspired my Minecraft

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Cars should have a softer horn setting to politely warn other cars when necessary

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Horrifying and terrifying are both synonyms, but horrific and terrific are basically antonyms.

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"I'm lol" is more grammatically correct than "I lol'd"

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It took 10 cents to realize how much I don't need a plastic bag.

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Alcohol is the adult version of the toy you bring to your friends house

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I should make a list of all my favorite films and videos so that when I'm older and get Alzheimers i can just have someone put that list on repeat and get my mind blown every day.

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Turning 18 would be a much bigger deal if it was impossible to lie about your age on the Internet.

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Referring to my parents as "Dad and Mom" instead of "Mom and Dad" feels extremely uncomfortable

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New presidents should be required to read the constitution out loud to the public so we know they've read it

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Everyone in my life says "I wish I was rich so I didn't have to do anything all day" but I wish I was rich so I could do everything all day.

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If Storm Troopers had shotguns there would only be one Star Wars movie.

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If 'w' is 'double-u' shouldn't 'm' be 'double-n'?

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Saying "ASAP" makes it sound urgent. Saying "as soon as possible" feels like saying "whenever you can"

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Tyrants tell people to be afraid, leaders tell people to have courage.

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We get trained for 25% of our lives to work for the best 50% of our lives and get to relax for the worst 25% of our lives

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It's funny how those pastors on TV stretch out their hands and everybody falls to the ground, except for the cameramen.

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90% of the times I clean my house are not because I care about cleanliness, they're because I care that other people care about my cleanliness.

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If I wear a shirt inside out, then the entire universe would be wearing it except for me.

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I'll rewatch the same 5 shows over and over, but starting a new show takes some serious convincing.

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In college I used to line up my empty alcohol bottles as trophies. Now at age 35 they're artifacts of shame

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The Sloths from Zootopia must have had a real hard time with double clicks

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I get annoyed when my dog barks, but to be fair my dog has to listen to me talking total gibberish all day

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No one can claim they're good at finding a spouse. They've either only done it once, or they're not very good at it.

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I can happily watch 8 straight episodes of a TV season but really don't want to sit through a 3 hour movie.

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Now that I'm an adult, I know that 'real' adults don't exist

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Whenever I drive in the rain, I look at other people's windshield wiper speeds to make sure I'm not over reacting with how fast mine are.

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When shopping with my wife it's like she's the playable character and I'm an NPC clumsily following her around the store getting in her way.

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Donald Trump's tweets are going to be important historical texts

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If bees found out how scared humans are of them, they could have a pretty good chance at world domination.

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The fact that I'm always taken by surprise when I discover that another Redditor is female (by her use of pronouns, etc.) makes me realize I for some reason have an internal false impression that all Redditors are men. Which is especially weird because I'm female.

Does anyone else do this?

I just realized my kindergartener son has more experience with public schools than our secretary of education... 100 days

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We've have been wasting precious time calling pictures "potato" quality when we could have been calling them photatoes.

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My dog barks so much at weird sounds he thinks are scary people that if someone actually did break in I wouldn't believe him. - He's the wolf that cried boy.

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8.7 billion species on Earth and only one got to be so advanced to catalogue the other ones

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Every time I see cops I feel paranoid instead of secure even though I am not breaking any laws

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What if placebos work because sugar is actually a miracle cure...

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If female orgasms were necessary to achieve pregnancy, there would be a lot less unwanted children in this world.

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When i was younger, I trusted my parents' driving skills without a doubt. As an adult, riding with my parents terrifies me.

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If I had started playing the guitar the first time I regretted not having played the guitar I would be a really good guitar player by now.

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Boneless wings are just chicken nuggets.

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When you take the bus, the bus is actually taking you.

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It seems crazy to me that scientists are spending time and money creating robotic bees to help pollinate plants rather than just figuring out ways of making real bees safe to do the job they are already designed to do.

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You can usually tell how much internet experience someone has by the way they phrase their searches

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Whenever I see a deleted comment I immediately want to read it 100x more

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If we designed a bicycle for horses, and trained a horse to ride it, it would go ridiculous fast.

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When I was a kid, I'd hate it when I heard "wow, look how you've grown!". As an adult, I genuinely feel shocked at how much my nieces have grown, and I must tell them.

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My lemonade has artificial flavor while my dish soap contains real lemon juice.

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My chronic procrastination and crippling fear of failure allow me to do some incredible things in very short periods of time.

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In the future, companies will advertise the fact that they have human workers.

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Children are like raptors. You're safe until you realize they can open doors.

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If I hear a sink dripping drops of water when I'm in bed, the will keep me up. If I hear millions of drops outside though, it will help me sleep.

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I used to think my parents were the best drivers until I got my license

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A billion people don't have access to clean water, but I have so much that I shit in it

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People in stone houses shouldn't throw glass either.

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Randomly hearing your favorite song on radio is more satisfying than playing it directly from your IPOD

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Grape flavored things and the actual flavor of a grape are two entirely different things

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I wish they would bring back King Of The Hill just so I can see Hank's reaction when Bobby angrily asks him if he just assumed his gender.

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It doesn't matter if you use or don't use your dust collector. Either way, it's just collecting dust.

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If someone carries a plate of food at waist height, I assume it's their food. If they carry it at shoulder height, I assume they're delivering it to someone.

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A fight between two people wearing VR headsets showing the other person's point of view would be very amusing to watch.

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Tom Cruise's car is never not in Cruise control.

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I get more happy birthday messages via emails from companies then I do from my family and friends.

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You still look forward to the weekend when you're unemployed, because it's time off from feeling unemployed.

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I look both ways before crossing a one way street. That's how much faith I have left in humanity.

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Drinking a glass of water with a mouthful of food is fine, yet if a little food falls into the water it becomes undrinkable.

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I am never 100% satisfied with my haircut but I don't even have a suggestion for what could be better.

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Deliberately pixelated low resolution Indie video games are the pre-ripped jeans of the gaming world

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The "correct" answer to "does my butt look big in this?" has changed from no to yes in the last few years

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I'm always tempted to offer a ride home to a woman walking alone at night, but then I realize how creepy that would seem.

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When your can opener stops working it becomes a can't opener.

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If I had had a guardian angel they probably stopped watching over me due to the amount of times I have masturbated.

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If Google really gathered a lot of information about me, they would know I'm to poor to buy shit and not waste the ads.

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The first two people to view your post determine whether or not any one else will ever see it.

to the first two people here, hi 😓

Everyone talks about no two snowflakes being identical but I'm pretty sure the same is true of popcorn.

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Does everyone notice the differences in their own signatures each time they sign, or am I just incompetent at being consistent?

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Waving to someone is technically a handshake.

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"Sources or GTFO" should become a universal motto when commenting on controversial articles and "alternative" news outlets.

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Google Maps should have an "I need to pee" option.

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I really wish I rented a movie from Blockbuster the day before they went out of business.

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Being horny as a man is like being a werewolf, after "doing the deed" you're a completely different person

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'The Force Awakens' will always be the only Star Wars movie which number corresponds to the filming order

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They should make toilet seats like those garbage cans you step on to open.

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I can hold my bladder when I'm out all day long, but as soon as I get home near my bathroom I nearly piss myself.

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I'm a grown man with a career and a family. But I still run up the dark basement stairs because monsters.

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Being somewhere you can't laugh makes things like 47 times funnier

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A goalkeeper can save 9 goals, but miss 1, and be hated. A striker can miss 9 goal opportunities, but score 1, and be loved.

Football / Soccer is a very unfair sport.

For some...

The first time a stripper jumped out of a cake must have been the most legendary bachelor party.

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