#42 The answer to life the universe and everything: April 2017

In jiu-jitsu I constantly ask my teacher to explain their reasoning on what they are teaching, and why it's important, and I challenge them on their reasoning to try to experiment with them on ways to prove them wrong or find different methods to accomplishing the task in a more efficient process and they love it because it shows that I am engaged and not only will it better my understanding but it will help them to solidify their reasoning or it will allow them to modify their understanding and experiment with other ideas.

In public school whenever I question anything any teacher says, whether it's history, math, science, well than I'm just being difficult and I should shut up and listen from the know it all teachers, because this is how they were taught and therefore it's right and everything else is wrong.

The law is just a stupid game based on technicalities and loopholes instead of what's right and wrong.

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I just realized that the division symbol, ÷ , looks like a fraction with the dots representing the numbers.

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I bet half of online arguments could be prevented if people had to put their age next to things they post.

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I asked a girl out today that I thought was out of my league and she said yes. Then it hit me like a brick. The biggest barrier to so many missed opportunities in my life was myself, fearing rejection.

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Newborns smiling when they fart is clearly natures way of letting us know it's supposed to be funny when someone farts.

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Venus is Earth's hot sister.

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Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Is me talking around my dog as annoying to him as his barking is to me?

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An animated film should have all unknown voice actors. I would rather get lost in the film instead of focusing on a famous actor's voice.

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Althought I'm a girl myself, when I chat with a stranger on the internet I always suppose I'm talking to a guy.

Because there are no girls on the internet, you know.

Cells divide to multiply.

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Detergent commercials always start with kids messing things up, which indirectly promotes birth control.

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Unless housing costs $50/month, people should stop asking why a homeless person has a cell phone

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Why aren't there brake lights that increase in intensity the harder you brake?

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Simply not wanting to work on your day off should be a good enough excuse to give when asked to work on your day off.

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Cold blooded animals are solar powered

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As a high school senior, I've never seen anyone shoved in a locker, swirlied, wedgied, or beaten up for lunch money, yet when someone says 'bully' that's exactly what I think of.

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Anxiety is our brain sending our body fake news

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I rarely notice the flaws in my favorite shows or songs until I try to show them to someone else

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Time could have been frozen for billions of years and no one would ever know.

Edit: I'm sorry guys, I only just realized how frequently this is posted.

History classes will only ever get harder

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Between using an Ad Blocker and not watching cable television for the past seven years, I've completely forgotten what a commercial looks like.

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Do flat earthers think other planets are flat as well?

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Dating apps are the only apps where their whole purpose is to get customers to stop using the app

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The 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, and 90s, all feel like discrete periods with their own personalities, but the last 17 years just feels like one blob of time to me.

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We pass gas in front of our pet's all day like it's nothing, even though they can smell it 100 times more than any human could.

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The "losers" in 90s movies look like modern day hipsters and the "cool" kids look like modern day douchebags.

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One day, the "I am not a Robot" captcha will be culturally and racially insensitive.

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If I didn't beat a game from the 90s it was because it was too hard but if I didn't beat a game from after 2000 it's because I got bored and stopped playing

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In elementary school I was somehow convinced that Johnny Applesead was a more important historical figure than the actually is.

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A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I've probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.

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It sucks being smart enough to know that I'm not very smart.

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There will never be anyone as loyal, as attentive, or as concerned with my every action as my dog when I'm making a sandwich

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Florida is like taking everyone that loiters outside 7-11 and moving them into one state.

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Twix should be making commercials about coming together, not separating left and right sides.

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Monday, April 24, 2017

Sometimes I confuse time and money and think there is only 60 cents in a dollar.

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One reason I don't do risky activities is because, if I die, my dogs won't understand why I never come back.

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If you go to Walmart and you don't see any weird people, does that make YOU the weird person?

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Wearing your seatbelt is like wearing your car like a suit of armor.

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"hentai film" is an anagram of "anime filth".

actual shower thought

Why is it that when it's 69 degrees in my house I'm freezing my ass off but if I go outside and it's 69 degrees it's perfectly warm t shirt and short weather?

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If you're stranded alone in the middle of the desert, YOU are the largest body of water in your immediate vicinity.

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If I go into a store and don't buy anything, I feel that I'm being suspected of shop lifting as I'm walking out

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When older people say "Millennials don't know what a floppy disk or VHS is", they're mistaking Millennials(~20-35 year olds) for Gen Z(~13-20).

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My room is always messy but I swear if there's one piece of trash in my Roller Coaster Tycoon park you bet my ass I'm hiring 20 more janitors.

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No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..

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It's 2017; if your store doesn't take card and you tell me to go to the ATM down the street, I'm not buying anything from you

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You shake people's masturbation hand with your masturbation hand

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You know Bill Nye really cares about science education because he regularly goes on TV with insufferable idiots to remind people science is a thing that matters.

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The older I get the less I hate the Kardashians, and the more I hate their fans.

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Sinks should be located outside of bathrooms, so the public can see people washing their hands, dettering them from skipping out.

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When I was younger I really thought whipped cream would be a bigger part of my sex life

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The economy if Bikini Bottom must be really good if SpongeBob is paid slave wages and can afford to live in a good house in the suburbs.

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University is great because you're effectively an unemployed alcoholic but your parents are really proud of you.

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I'm so thankful to the inventor of yoga pants. Your work hasn't gone unnoticed.

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It's scary when you realise that we had nuclear bombs before we had colour television.

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Sunday, April 23, 2017

You know you've either made it or messed up really bad if you have a Wikipedia page on yourself

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The tallest man to climb Mount Everest is also the person who reached the highest in Earth's atmosphere while still touching the ground.

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We heat up dead animals, take pictures of them, post them on the internet, and then get in arguments over how long we heated them up.

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More of us should be happy simply with the ability to go to bed while its raining and not wake up wet.

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Why did my new white undershirts come in a resealable bag... But my cereal still doesn't?

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It's interesting that the older generations that warned millennials not to talk to strangers are the ones who click virus links in emails from people they don't know.

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Anytime I want to do something I think is near impossible, I just remember that 2 Broke Girls has been on for six seasons.

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Racquetball would be a lot more intresting to watch, and a lot harder to play, if the walls were made of mirrors

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Bringing up past embarrassing memories in your head is like being a bad friend to yourself

In the sense that only a bad friend would constantly remind you of the times you messed up or embarrassed yourself, whereas a good one would probably just let it go.

How many times have you passed someone you gamed with in the streets and not realised

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"Dammit im mad" backwards is still "Dammit im mad"

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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

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Girl Scouts is supposed to be about empowering women, but all we know them for is making cookies.

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If there is more interracial intercourse, there will be less interracial intercourse.

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There shouldn't be a stigma about going to the movies alone. The activity where you can't talk to someone should be the one you can do alone.

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The Redditing experience would be so much better if posts you've already seen didn't show up in your stream again.

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How someone looks doesn't determine their intelligence. Yet there are some people where only from their face I can tell they are stupid.

And I'm always right with that.

Edit: Sackyhack posted a scientific study to back up my claim:

http://ift.tt/2q4u8M3

Waking up from a really nice dream and going back to sleep to continue it but the dream after isn't as cool is basically the dream-version of Hollywood sequels.

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Our butts have the ability to produce all three states of matter.

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When you correct someone's math, you're awesome. When you correct someone's grammar, you're an asshole.

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Millennial has just turned into a slur people use for young people they don't like

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The colour I associate with vanilla is white but in reality, it's black.

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Shopping with my girlfriend is like being the NPC party member of an RPG.

Awkward pathfinding and idle-animations, the occasional quip about our immediate surroundings.

When my mom freaks out, I immediately assume it's no big deal. But when my Dad freaks out, i know some serious shit is going down.

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I wish there was a "Save Progress" for my current physical condition so I could take a break from working out.

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People always wonder why I'm quiet but every time I try to speak I'm either spoken over or people aren't listening

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Always remember you're never too old to throw random shit into someones shopping cart and then quickly walk away

Saturday, April 22, 2017

It seems weird that you have to make an appointment to see a psychic

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My mom's perfect show would be a show where a bunch of housewives renovate a haunted house that they are going to flip after they host a singing competition.

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The story about Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer teaches kids that your job position determines your social life

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My kids make way too many plans for people who can't drive themselves around.

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My brother in-law is the closest thing I have to a brother, and he has sex with my sister

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I wish I had a Mario Kart-like ghost of myself punctually getting ready for work in the morning so I’d know if I was running late

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I'm not a millennial, but if I was I'd be damn tired of another article every other day with a new theory about who millennials are and what they want.

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I wish there was a task manager for my brain, where I could delete background applications.

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Forbes gives me a "welcome 3 second full screen ad," obnoxiously flashes animated ads right next to the article, autoplays videos that have nothing to do with the article, reloads ads every minute as I read the article..and then has the audacity to complain about me having adblock on.

Worst site ever

The superstition that blowing on a dandelion grants you a wish is incredibly beneficial to dandelion reproduction.

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All I see on toilet paper ads are kittens and puppies. What is the world's obsession to wipe their ass with fluffy animals?

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In "The Land Before Time", I just realized "Cera" is a triCERAtop. I'm 28.

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'Mirror' should have been a palindrome

Same for 'echo' and 'reflect'

Whenever a commercial says, "Real people. Not actors." I'm 100% convinced the people are, in fact, actors.

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As a child, my physically abusive parents would also threaten to send me away to boarding school, which would terrify me. Thinking about it as an adult, it would have been much better than continuing to live with them!

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Most people hope their kid's future will be easier, but most people also get mad at the younger generation for having it too easy.

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I have more ancestors than all my ancestors

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How impossible can those missions really be if Tom Cruise has completed 5 of them already?

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I used to talk to people on the internet about what I was up to in the real world. Now I talk to people in the real world about what I've been up to on the internet.

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The internet is like a teenager. It's got all this potential, but it's only focused on buying things, trying to be popular and sex.

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A tax is a fine for doing good, while a fine is a tax for doing bad.

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Smart people are becoming endangered since they tend to practice contraception more carefully.

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If my phone dies it remembers all my contacts, my browser history, my alarms, and every bit of my app data; yet, when my car dies my radio can't even remember what time it is.

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When I was kid getting put to bed at 9:00 I couldn't wait until I was a grown up and could stay up until whatever time I wanted. That time is, apparently, 9:00.

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When my text alert sounds I get excited. When my phone rings I think I'm in deep shit and panic.

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When you think about it, if you read the dictionary, you have read every other book...just out of order...

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Friday, April 21, 2017

When I die, I hope it's in the morning so I don't have to go to work that day

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I just realized Tetris the game is named as such because each piece has 4 blocks and the latin prefix for 4 is tetra. Only took me 30+ years.

Edit: I meant Greek, not Latin for the prefix. Ugh.

As a kid I always assumed all adults were naturally smart, at least relative to their age. I was wrong.

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I'm fine with putting 200 hours into a video game, but I won't put 15 minutes towards studying.

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If Rita Skeeter were a Muggle, she'd write for Buzzfeed.

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The first unemployed person in space will actually be quite a milestone.

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The first person ever to use sarcasm probably ended up sounding pretty stupid.

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1/2 should be pronounced "one second"

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When someone has let you off with "just a warning" chances are they're avoiding work on their end. Not just being nice

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It would be cool if after you died you could see the top 5 times you almost died

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Getting fat and then returning to a good form will get you more respect and attention then just always keeping a good form.

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Cell phone cases are like condoms. It feels better without one, but ther are risks involved.

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Posting a Snapchat to your story and then waiting for that one specific person to watch it, is the modern day equivalent of Gatsby throwing elaborate parties seeking Daisy's attention.

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Mars is a planet inhabited entirely by robots.

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Apple should include a "other people can hear your shitty ass music, at this volume" warning, rather than the danger warning.

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Thanks to porn I now know the correct spelling of Amateur

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WebMD should be renamed ItCouldBeCancer

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Someone should create an app to pair you with a stranger to watch a TV series with you so you can talk about it with someone

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Not considered an attractive male but if a very attractive female came up to me and expressed sexual interest, I would look at her like a crazy person and ask “What’s the catch?”

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If a person with no arms wears a vest, is it just a coat?

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Our pets are the 1% of the animal world.

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We have woken up over 10000 times, but we're still not used to it.

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If pigs could fly, imagine how good their wings would taste.

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If someone asks if something in the sky is a UFO, doesn't that automatically make it a UFO?

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I don't know if I like popcorn while I watch movies, but I do know that I like popcorn while I watch pre-show entertainment at the movies.

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Thursday, April 20, 2017

My dad think it's weird when I watch people play video games instead of playing it myself, I ask him why he watches sports instead of playing it

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Unless you're famous, tweeting is really just sending a text message to nobody in particular.

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I'm suspicious of people who don't like dogs, but I trust a dog when it doesn't like a person.

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You can't lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't return, you've lost a normal pigeon

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Everything is a dick joke if you think about it long and hard enough

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If I go into someones home and see "Live. Laugh. Love." on their wall, I assume they are robots and have that up as a reminder to act human.

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Anyone else take a moment to appreciate the fact you have an unblocked nose?

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I'm fairly confident that my dog thinks we have a buddy system for going to the bathroom. I watch her, she watches me, we're both safe from the mailman.

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If Scooby Doo used his sense of smell the mystery gang would know who the culprit was much more quickly.

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My parents repeat stories so much that I've started to think of them as NPCs.

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A man's prostate doubles in size between age 40 and 80, and continues to grow until death. Methuselah, who died at 969 years old (Genesis), must have been about 40% prostate when he died.

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Memes are just inside jokes that the whole internet is a part of.

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Shoulder blades sound so much cooler than they actually are.

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Gmail knows more about my life than my family but can't target me with a single interesting, click-worthy inbox ad.

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Each morning I wake up half expecting to see an announcement of a world war, or a devastating natural disaster on the front page.

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I wonder if I've ever interacted with the same shopping cart twice?

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As a straight male, I never thought that semen that wasn't my own would ever be a problem in my life, but then here comes pollen to fuck with my allergies.

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All of the times as a kid my mom told me to go play outside I thought she was encouraging physical activity and development. As a parent I now realize she just wanted me to get out of her hair.

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Is it morally wrong to tell a knock knock joke to a homeless person ?

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The first person to test a parachute had some serious balls.

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I feel like "Family Size" food products are mostly consumed by sad, single people.

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I never truly realize that I'm procrastinating until I find myself watching a documentary about saltwater.

EDIT: I just woke up to everyone asking about the documentary only to realise that I forgot to put in the word "crocodiles" after saltwater. Sorry about that.

Here's the documentary.

When someone races past me on a city street, at 20 or 30 mph above the speed limit, I feel a small triumphal pleasure when pulling up behind or beside them at the next light.

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Its considered OK for a woman to go gaga over a good looking male celebrity and 'profess love' for him and generally smother him on seeing him. But a guy going gaga over a female celeb is being a creep

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If I spent fifteen minutes around an adult who talks as much as my three year old, we wouldn't be friends

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We force kids to skip school after they are caught skipping school.

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Wednesday, April 19, 2017

When people tell me that border collies are the smartest of dogs, all I can think about is the time I found mine stealing boiling soup and screaming with every stubborn lick.

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Naming our moon Moon is the cosmic equivalent of naming a dog Dog

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Before the internet: most people lived in an information desert. After: people live in an information flood and the water's unsafe to drink.

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I can't put "high tolerance for bullshit" on my resume, even though that's exactly what most jobs need.

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Must have been nice before cell phones. You could push someone in the water and not have to pay them hundreds of dollars.

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skipping steps while running upstairs is simple and feels easy. skipping steps running downstairs always makes me feel like im going to die.

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GTA Online is a game about stealing cars yet you can't drive other player's cars without their permission.

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For how much stop drop and roll was ingrained into me as a child, I really thought I would catch on fire more times than I have.

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If I'd never learned about trapezoids, parallelograms and rhombuses in school, and ended up with a job where I needed that knowledge, I could learn it in 30 seconds as an adult.

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I have a deep, unfound hatred for the search engine Bing despite having never used it.

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For some reason, sleeping from 2 AM to 10 AM is more refreshing than sleeping from 10 PM to 6 AM

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Somebody somewhere has taken the most miraculous, record-breaking monster piss in human history and we'll never know about it.

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If I have to disclose my current salary on a job application, the company hiring should disclose their rate of pay.

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Today is my 10 year anniversary at work. I get above average raises and received multiple promotions, yet I can honestly say that I still have no clue what the fuck I'm doing most days.

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The Krusty Krab is one of the few fast-food joints that has their own recipie and doesn't ship from an outside source. Respect.

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Melting shredded cheese is essentially un-shredding it.

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Accusing someone of hacking when they aren't is the best compliment you can give to a gamer.

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The kids who play 'jocks' on t.v. are theater nerds

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My computer takes longer to deny an incorrect password than to accept the right one.

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Correcting students when they say "Can I use the bathroom?" is worthless because no adult ever has to ask to use the bathroom

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If I eat toast in the morning and toast before bed, everything I've eaten in the day has been a big toasted sandwich

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It'd be nice if there was a serial killer who only killed child molesters.

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Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Apple has given me the ability to make my friend's screen explode into lasers with a simple text message, but I still can't type in bold or italics.

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r/frugal is the place you're least likely to receive gold

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I just realized I haven't changed my iPhone ringtone since 2010. It's officially my longest commitment and relationship of my life thus far.

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From a dinosaurs perspective, we already live in a post-apocalyptic world

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I watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought "Wow, dogs are so easily entertained". Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.

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If companies were to spend all their money on free samples instead of advertising I'd be a 1000x more likely to buy their product.

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I always think I'm posting something that people will really like, then either no one likes it or sees it.

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If I was able to go back in time and fix all the mistakes I've made in my life, I would just end up making a completely new set of mistakes.

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Bringing in groceries in a single trip is both incredibly lazy and incredibly not lazy, all at the same time.

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'Don't you dare' sounds normal, but 'do not you dare' sounds weird to say.

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In this day in age texting 911 should be available in all areas. Who wants to risk their intruder hearing them while hiding in the closet?

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Whenever I try to picture the guy from Smash Mouth all I can picture is Guy Fieri

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Whoever uses the "Anymore than two shakes and you're playing with it" rule, probably has a lot of piss in their underwear.

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If I could go back 300 years with my knowledge of the world today, I would only be able to tell everyone about the cool things we have in the future, instead of making them.

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I wonder if dogs bark in their head

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I 100% believe that there is other intelligent life out there in the universe but every time I hear a story about someone encountering extra terrestrial life I almost immediately dismiss them as being crazy.

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The worst part about dinosaurs being extinct is that some of them probably tasted awesome. We're missing an entire category of meat.

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You use your drivers license mainly to buy things that impair your ability to drive.

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Monday, April 17, 2017

As a kid I would sleepover at friends houses almost every single weekend. Now I'll literally pay for a $30 Uber back to my place to avoid sleeping at a friends place without blinking an eye.

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Some people want to die in their sleep. Some people want to die doing something they love. I could kill both birds with one stone.

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The most comfortable position in bed is discovered just before I've realized I forgot to set the alarm or plug in my phone

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Nobody ever has a bottom locker in high school movies

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Strap-ons are like female-to-male adapter plugs, but for humans.

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Every time a well-known actor or musician is reported as dying "from natural causes", my mind goes "due to the drugs they did in the 80s".

Every. Single. Time.

You know the world is a weird place when Google doesn't have an Easter doodle but Pornhub does

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When people think about traveling to the past, they always worry they'll drastically change something that'll alter the present but no one in the present really thinks they could radically change the future

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Social media is basically of a bunch of people standing in a room talking to themselves hoping that someone will reply.

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My driver side window won't go down. So I guess I'm on a diet now.

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Google just gave me 21,900,000 search results in 0.62 seconds, and I got annoyed because what I wanted wasn’t on the first page.

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If someone prefaces their post with "I am not a native English speaker, so please excuse any grammatical errors", I know that post will have better grammar than the average native English speaker.

native english speaker btw

If dogs found out that sometimes we go out to eat at restaurants without them they'd probably be a little bit pissed off about it

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I cannot fight with people, because my mind is constantly coming with counterarguments to my own arguments

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When companies try to sell stuff they make 3000 dollars sound like nothing, but when they give away 3000 in prizes they act like you won the lottery.

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If dogs had the ability to speak to humans, we still would have no idea what Scottish Terriers would be trying to tell us.

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I'll lay awake for an hour convincing myself that this pee can totally wait until the morning

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When you're in high school you tell everyone you don't care about what others think of you and secretly you do; in adult life you say you care about others' opinion but actually you don't give a shit.

EDIT: Woah, front page. Cool.

Plugging your phone in the car aux jack is like driving a very large enclosed pair of headphones.

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An alternate Harry Potter timeline where Harry is sorted into Slytherin and gradually descends into becoming a dark wizard would be pretty neat.

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The Great Wall was built to keep people out of China, but now it's a reason people go to China

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There needs to be a USPS at every airport to mail out stuff people can't take onboard.

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It would suck, as a new Microsoft employee, to have to train yourself to reflexively say, "I'll just Bing it."

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People who post answers on r/explainlikeimfive must know some very intelligent five year olds.

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England doesn't have an Independence Day because everyone got independence days from leaving England.

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The great thing about facial tattoos is that I immediately know if you're an idiot.

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When someone tells me they are done with 'toxic relationships' or 'negative people', I automatically assume they are the toxic, negative person.

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All devices should show volume in dB so you can actually realize when your hearing is getting hurt and not rely on device-specific percentages.

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Sunday, April 16, 2017

Humans don't use DNA to make more humans. DNA uses humans to make more DNA.

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When I was younger I'd to try and impress people by how expensive an item was but as I've grown up, I now try to impress people with how cheap I got something.

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When I was young I was jealous of older gents dating hot 21 year olds. Now I wonder what's wrong with them..

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As a fat guy, it seems like the body positive movement is just fat women wanting men, other than fat guys, to find them attractive.

And I call shenanigans on such desires.

Instead of sending random people to kill other random people they probably don't even hate, world leaders should just physically fight each other.

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Clowns and Skeletons have switched roles. Now Skeletons are funny and clowns are scary.

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On October 22nd, 2023, a child born on 11/11/11 will be 11 years, 11 months, 11 days old. Interestingly, that date sits exactly 6 years, 6 months, and 6 days away

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The only people I've ever heard use the term "bros before hoes" were people with no hoes.

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When you have a cat you always have an explanation for weird noises in the middle of the night.

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The intelligence of the average redditer honestly seems much higher than the people I see constantly posting on social media who are supposed to be my friends.

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The characters on The Walking Dead must really smell.

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I should probably list my passwords in my will

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Amazon should automatically send you a message 1 year after you purchase something asking how you like your item. I'd much rather see reviews from somebody who has used a product for a long time than somebody who bought it that day.

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The woman who just died at 117 spent approximately 39 years of her life asleep.

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If a hot lady appeared in front of me through teleportation, I would oversee the fact that she teleported, and be happy that she's here.

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The epitome of lazy is not changing your clocks for so long the time becomes correct again.

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'Happy' by Pharrell Williams is basically a grown up version of If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands

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In the age of Google, knowing the right questions to ask really is more important than knowing the answers.

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I know I care more about the earth than my own body because I'll smoke a cigarette but I'll make sure to throw the butt in a trash can

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Fishing is only relaxing because fish don't scream in horror as they're pulled from the water

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A child born 08.08.08 is 8 years 8 months and 8 days old today.

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The weirdest thing about getting older is that people in movies and historical figures start looking younger and younger

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Today is exactly as far away from the start of "That '70s Show" as the start of the series was away from the '70s (6810 days each)

I've waited a long time to post this.

I never appreciate how good breathing through my nose is until its blocked

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The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, but that's also the definition of practice.

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Every kids' sports organization should be required to hold meetings for new parents where parents from 15 years ago explain how none of their kids ended up going pro, so just chill out and let the kids have fun.

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Keyboards should have a "Clean Lock" so you can deactivate all the keys to clean your keyboard without opening random tabs.

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20 years from now, some asshole kid is going to learn cursive just so he can turn in homework that his teacher can't read.

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Saturday, April 15, 2017

Burger King and Dairy Queen should consider having their children marry, unifying the power of both families.

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Following another North Korea failed missile test, it's not unreasonable to think theres a long line of very intelligent scientists and engineers who are purposefully failing to avoid a nuclear war.

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The advice "live every day like it's your last" necessarily implies nothing that takes more than a day is worth doing.

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The 80's and 90's feel like completely seperate decades to me, but the 2000's and 2010's so far feel like the same one.

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I thought Office Space was light-hearted and hilarious when I was younger, but now that I have worked in an IT office and paid bills for over a decade, I see it as a depressing dark drama.

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no pun intended and pun intended do the same thing : divert your attention to the pun.

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In 2020, the entire month of April will be 04/20

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My middle school essay assignments had higher standards for citing sources than BuzzFeed and Huffington Post articles written by adults with college degrees.

Check out these 12 tweets which prove my point!

A dating app that matches you with the redditor with the most similar likes and dislikes.

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It's 2017, we have 4k HD, curved displays, virtual reality, and yet my Band aids still fall off the moment they touch any kind of water.

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If I appeared in front of my dog through teleportation, he would oversee the fact that I teleported and be happy that I'm home

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There are more buttcheeks than people in the world.

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People always wanna fight crime with their superpowers, but the first thing I'd do, is probably rob a bank.

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I wonder how many times in my life acquaintances have seen me at the groceries or elsewhere and actively avoided me.

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The mid-2000s now refers to some time around 2005, but soon, it'll refer to some time around 2050. Long term, it'll eventually refer to some time around 2500.

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If anything tasted like alcohol but wasn't alcoholic, nobody would drink it.

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Kids are complaining that 500 GB on their Xbox One/PS4 isn't enough internal storage space like bitch my PS2 didn't even come with a memory card.

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Spiders are really tiny 3D printers

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How did anyone think that the refrigerator egg holder was a better idea than just leaving them in the carton?

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As kids, we were told to not talk to strangers online or get into a stranger's car. Now, we summon strangers online for the sole purpose of getting into their cars.

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In the future, mosquitoes might be an effective way of vaccinating people in poor countries.

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I wish Male Pattern Baldness actually created patterns. It would be nice to look cooler as we got older.

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Regular dogs are probably upset with police dogs for only solving human crimes.

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You can see a bad toupée, but you'll never see a good one.

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I regret every minute I didn't have a toothache and wasn't grateful

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Friday, April 14, 2017

If there are 3 beds in Goldilocks and the three bears then mommy and daddy bear slept seperately meaning baby bear was the only thing holding the family together.

It's food for thought.

I wish people asked for sources of facts as insistently as they ask for sources of porn gifs.

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Whenever I see that a lot of my friends have the same birthday, I try to figure out what holiday their parents had sex on.

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If Google really knew everything about me, it would have stopped sending me sports notifications by now.

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If getting switched at birth is a thing, I wonder how many paternity tests were falsely negative because it was just the wrong kid.

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No matter how many pages of Google search results there are, I never trust anything after the first page.

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I use the term "ladies first" almost exclusively with male friends.

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The most satisfying part of watching a GIF is knowing there won't be an advertisement at the beginning

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Smartphones have been out for a decade now and there are still no games I would play for more than 10 minutes.

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Never laugh at your significant other's choices. You’re one of them.

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I hope someone cross-breeds a Golden Retriever, a Shih Tzu, and a Boxer, so I can have my very own Golden Shit Box.

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Life is like soccer. My mother signed me up for it and I fucking hate soccer.

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The perceived transition between "you're young, you can do anything" to "you're not young anymore, you need to get your shit together" is fairly rapid.

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I'd rather be a introvert with no friends than a extrovert with no friends.

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I don't know what color my grandparents hair originally was. They were always grey when I knew them and their youth pictures are in black and white.

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Every time someone has said "blast radius" I've been envisioning a blast diameter.

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After apocalypse there will be ton of toilets with just one flush left

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Every time my Dog sees me pee he is probably thinking, "What a moron, he used all of that piss in one area".

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If a mall has a Cheesecake Factory, it's probably doing pretty well, if it has a Burlington Coat Factory, it might be in trouble

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If someone found a legit way to make penises bigger, no one would believe them.

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A boomerang is just a frisbee for lonely people.

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There should be an ELi80 subreddit for simplified technology explanations

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Pressing leaves in a book is like flattening someone with a pile of corpses.

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If someone texts me "haha" I assume it's just filler but if someone texts me "hahaha" I assume they actually found something funny

Edit: well this turned out a lot more interesting than I expected. Apparently people have extremely varying opinions as to what signifies genuine laughter/enjoyment

I have both black 'ghetto' friends and 'white trash' friends. My ghetto friends know they're ghetto, but my white trash friends have no idea they're white trash.

For instance, I have a co-worker who pawns her sons PS4 every few weeks so she can make rent (spends it on drugs); and thinks this behavior is normal and not at all trailer trashy. She legit thinks she's classy.

On the other hand, I've seen my black friends literally make fun of how ghetto each other are; very open about it. We saw a woman literally plastic wrap her muffin top before going to the club and all her friends were like "that's the most ghetto shit I've ever seen".

Google Maps would be more interesting if it too had the "I'm feeling lucky." button

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Every Halloween people freak out about possibly tainted candy, but every Easter they don't question eating chocolate out of a plastic egg that they find on the ground.

For as long as I can remember, people have fear-mongered about the possibility of strangers tainting the chocolate that they give out during Halloween. Then, every Easter, they take their kids to an Easter egg hunt put on by the local community at one of the neighborhood parks and eat the chocolate out of the eggs that some random stranger hid in the park. It doesn't even have to be the organizers of the Easter egg hunt that perpetrate the crime. Any sick creep could bring a few eggs filled with tainted candy and hide them amongst the rest.