Wednesday, May 31, 2017
Birth certificates are basically receipts for humans
Telephone poles are just trees with jobs
The phrase "in a years time we'll laugh about it" is untrue, I cringe over things that happened when I was 13
I'm 21 since people keep asking
I read a book from 1950s and it doesn't feel old to me but I browse a web page from 2005 and it feels damn too old
By saying "a web page from 2005" i mean a web page that has entries from that time (a news article, an old facebook post etc.)
The second worst part of unemployment is having the time to see your house spiders act like you're not home
Shower spiders are the worst.
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
The best argument that I can come up with for my life not being the Truman Show is that it would have been cancelled by now
Seriously who would watch this shit?
The Tuesday after a 3 day weekend is like Monday on steroids
Caterpillars are absolutely magical no matter how familiar they are to us. They dissolve themselves into mush and somehow emerge as butterflies. They are literally shapeshifters. Imagine if you put a baby to sleep and it woke up as an eagle.
I'm more careful with game currency than I am with real money
There are so many who argue against allowing gays to marry for the sake of the sanctity of marriage, but I've never heard anyone fighting to make adultery a crime.
It's a misdemeanor or felony in less than half of the states in the U.S., and aside from people in the military, I've never seen any instance in which someone is punished specifically for it.
I mean, "don't covet your neighbor's wife" is clearly in the Ten Commandments, so it seems like a much bigger problem than letting gay people get married.
Someday history books will reference tweets...
Monday, May 29, 2017
Door to door salespeople are just real life popup ads
We eat shrimp but eating bugs is fucking disgusting.
I bet that some dogs have "dog-friends" they have never met, just regularly exchange smells on posts.
Instead of waving and saying "Good morning, how's it going?" like humans, dogs would just piss "I am feeling great this morning, been eating chicken and fish!"
Nothing ever seems loud until I try to do it quietly
As a child, I wanted Mister Rogers to visit the Neighborhood of Makebelieve, and wondered why he never got to. When I got older, I thought it was because it was important to show that reality and pretend are different. Now I realise it was probably because he does the voices for most of the puppets.
I didn't exist in your world until you read this
Is hipster peer pressure "come on man, no one else is doing it"?
Toy Story 4 may include a fidget spinner character.
Sunday, May 28, 2017
Most legs in the world are bug legs.
H8 is supposed to be hate but it's height.
Saturday, May 27, 2017
Intelligence is like underwear. It's important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
Edit: Had this in Jokes and it was recommended to put it here.
I hate it when old people say "Your generation relies too much on technology". The only reason why you say that is simply because technology like today didn't exist in your time. If it did, your generation probably would've been just as reliant on it as us
Lakes are the opposite of islands.
You're expected to figure out what to do with your life by 21, but you're not allowed to drink or smoke until you're 21 because you're assumed not to know what's good for you yet.
I mean sure, having kids drinking and smoking is bad, but I mean 21? Same thing with a lot of our troops, they aren't allowed to have a beer because they aren't considered mature but they are mature enough to fight for their country?
Children and adults curse every day except when near each other
The mongols were basically just a giant biker gang.
Friday, May 26, 2017
Pregnant women are the only true body builders.
Why does the the human mind ignore the second "the"?
Thursday, May 25, 2017
I've used google for about a decade now and I have never once used the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button.
I dont really know what it does either.
Natural Light should add vitamin D to their beer
Every customer service worker should get one annual "F*** that customer" card, when they cash it in they get to tell a customer EXACTLY what they think of them without consequence for the employee.
Bonus effect, if the card resets on the first day of the year, using your card on January 2nd would be one hell of a message to an a**hole customer.
Wednesday, May 24, 2017
I always brush my teeth for longer when someone else is there.
Life is just collecting people to come to your funeral.
The Queen probably took a dump today.
Could artists please stop using police sirens as music effects?
Seriously. Every damn day I start panicking cause I think I'm being chased by the fuzz.
Michael Scott would totally have a fidget spinner on his desk
There is no winning at parenting. Just damage control.
Tuesday, May 23, 2017
It shouldn't be necessary to book an appointment with a psychic.
The older a man is, the less I question his choice of a hat.
Laws should have an expiration date the way patents or classified information do. That way, it is guaranteed to be reviewed after a long time as new information becomes available. And only after justifying its existence in the present time shall it pass for several more years.
Monday, May 22, 2017
You can say "it is what it is," but when you say "it's what it's" you get weird looks.
Yes, I may sound like English isn't my first/native language, but it is
Wait! There's another example:
but it is
but it's
A book is just step-by-step instructions of what to imagine
Humans are both naturally occurring and man-made.
Pizza smells better when it's not your pizza.
Butterfly knives are basically hardcore fidget spinners.
Women of my generation never say I'm attractive, but my grandmother's friends are always saying what a handsome young man I am - leading me to believe I would have been good looking had I lived in the 1930s
Edit 1: Wow ended up making the front page! Thanks for all the upvotes and comments.
Edit 2: A lot of comments have asked for a photo of me - I considered it but figured the responses would probably be overwhelmingly negative (whether truthful or just trolling) :-)
Edit 3: Also a lot of positive comments and uplifting words! Thanks all!
Sunday, May 21, 2017
Adam Sandler is the human equivalent of Jar Jar Binks.
I bet opera singers have beautiful sounding orgasms.
I think the most unrealistic thing in The Walking Dead is the lack of roller blades. Forget walking, it's roller derby as soon as I see even one zombie. Gonna build my own kingdom of slightly more mobile ass-kickers. Stuntin on everybody
Are boobs measured in cups because they have milk in them.
PornHub should make a sexual education series for adults.
Going to bed without having to set an alarm is one of the most satisfying feelings ever.
Especially after a long day.
Birthday gifts are just rewards for not dying.
I'm fine with repost, as long as I haven't seen it before.
Saturday, May 20, 2017
Children are like the alpha version of humans, full of potential but mostly useless. Teenagers are the beta release; more capable and finding their feet. Adults are like the final release; interesting at the start but then everyone gets bored of you and development stops
I don't talk to 99 percent of my contacts on my phone
I listen to dead people sing to me all the time
Breasts are measured in cups because they have milk in it.
Edit: in THEM. Sorry folks.
If Snow White married Jon Snow she would be Snow Snow
All growing up, adults' advice was always "Life's too short, so don't waste all your free time on work". Then, when you take that advice and put it into practice and value your free time they sneer that "Kids these days don't want to put in any extra work"
The human body with calories is like an RPG player with potions. "But what if I need it later?" it asks, storing fat.
And I just ran the cheeseburger dungeon for the hundredth time.
Friday, May 19, 2017
Despite fidget spinners' original purpose of counteracting distractions, their current popularity is probably resulting in a more distracted general public than before
How many videos and news segments are there on these spinning toys?
Saying "please" is meant to be polite but when I type it in an email it sounds slightly aggressive
E.g. can you please take a look at this?
If the Queen reaches 100 years old, is she going to write herself a congratulations letter?
I bet she'd do it ironically
If you drive a VW Beetle then you have inadverntatinly gotten a lot of people punched.
Edit: Inadvertently
Thursday, May 18, 2017
When I see a skeleton I always assume it was a male
One of the biggest tragedies of mankind through out all of history is all of the female geniuses who were never allowed to reach their potential and contribute their gifts to the world. Think of all the female "Mozarts" or "Einsteins" who could have been, but never were.
Edit: To clarify my post, the tragedy I speak of is the one of loss both men and women deal with because women were not allowed to contribute to society using their minds over the centuries. Just think about what might have come of the world had women been considered equal and allowed to learn and work as men were expected too.
Calling a dolphin "Flipper" is like naming your dog "Leg".
A life time supply of poison isn't a lot.
I wonder if I've already eaten the best sandwich I'll ever eat.
Harry Potter came out before Google
The first Harry Potter book came out in 1997, google came out in 1998, and I am ancient.
Wednesday, May 17, 2017
Who picks up a guide dog's poo?
Your handwriting is like your written accent.
Meditate to kill your time. Premeditate to time your kill.
I'm disappointed in our ancestors for never domesticating bats.
Tuesday, May 16, 2017
Slow internet makes me a lot angrier than no internet.
In about 6 months there will be no underage 90's kids
If net neutrality was about cars instead of data, and losing it meant drivers would be forced to slow down to 15mph on 60mph highways because they chose to drive the "wrong" make of car or listen to the "wrong" radio station, it would be saved in a heartbeat.
Colored pencils are just high-resolution version of crayons.
The generation that warned children about video games is the same generation that falls for Pay-2-Win games.
If you want proof take a metro ride in any city and look at what people are doing on their phones.
You only need your left hand to type Brazzers on a keyboard.
Monday, May 15, 2017
I wonder how many times the world has actually been saved.
Scotch aged 12 years sounds a lot better than Scotch from 2005.
You can't change the volume of the "voice" in your head.
As a kid I used to walk around and have adventures with my friends, but after we got our licenses we stopped having adventures and life got boring.
Now that I ride a bicycle with an engine on it and managed to convert a few friends, We have adventures again!
My blood donation may become someone's erection.
Sunday, May 14, 2017
Traffic lights are robots that we've obeyed for 100 years.
My dog has operantly conditioned me to give water when she moves her bowl, food when she goes toward it and barks, and let her out on cue. She even uses her head to indicate toward the door. I'm starting to think i am the one that is trained.
I'll never be as lazy as the guy who named the fireplace.
Cocktail waitress is a nicer name than dickbutt waitress.
Saturday, May 13, 2017
All waiting rooms should have complimentary phone chargers
Yawning is like the body's "20% battery remaining" warning.
Whoever first thought of having a double jump in a game was probably told it's a stupid idea.
I mean, it seams like a the sort of thing that makes no sense, but feels amazing to play with.