#42 The answer to life the universe and everything: May 2017

It's a misdemeanor or felony in less than half of the states in the U.S., and aside from people in the military, I've never seen any instance in which someone is punished specifically for it.

I mean, "don't covet your neighbor's wife" is clearly in the Ten Commandments, so it seems like a much bigger problem than letting gay people get married.

Children screaming while playing is kind of like a car alarm. I hear it so often, that at this point I don't know if I would know when someone is trying to steal one.

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The news always starts with "good evening", but it then proceeds to give you a list of reasons why the evening is not good.

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Something is seriously wrong with the education system when the most common adult nightmare is that you're still in school.

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Nursing homes in the future will be filled with old men discussing Pokémon and other games

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Most people have accidentally opened Siri more times than they've actually used it.

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If I ever get a post to the front page, I'll surely tell my SO about it. Then I'll have to delete my account because then they'll know my username.

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Porn companies and Disney are looking to hire the same demographic: adults who look like teens.

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Someday history books will reference tweets...

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McAfee antivirus behaves more like a virus than any virus I've ever had.

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Monday, May 29, 2017

If artificial intelligence was intelligent, it would lose the chess games against humans on purpose

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I spent 60k on 6 years of college. For that money i could have paid profs $70 per hour for 100 hours of 1 to 1 instruction per year, and had $3000 per year left over for books or whatever. I should have done that.

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Door to door salespeople are just real life popup ads

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We eat shrimp but eating bugs is fucking disgusting.

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I bet that some dogs have "dog-friends" they have never met, just regularly exchange smells on posts.

Instead of waving and saying "Good morning, how's it going?" like humans, dogs would just piss "I am feeling great this morning, been eating chicken and fish!"

2017 is the last year anyone born in the 90s will be under 18. After this, there will be no more 90s kids.

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A package sent by car is a shipment, but a package sent by ship is a cargo.

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On TV, even if the person is speaking in perfectly audible English, if there are subtitles, I'm going to be reading them.

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When a movie character has blood drip from their nose, we automatically know they are dying of something horrible, when blood drips from my nose, I have a bloody nose.

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I'm really glad that keyboards have the numbers in numerical order, and not arbitrarily placed like the letters

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We seriously under-appreciate the fact that Little Caesars has never raised the price of their $5 hot 'n' ready.

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Soon, "the twenties" will be used to talk about 2020 instead of 1920

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Nothing ever seems loud until I try to do it quietly

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If I take a picture of myself now, when I inevitably let myself go and gain a bunch of weight I can get some free krama by switching the before and after pics.

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My science teacher gave me this particularly mind blowing thought: What if the expansion and shrinking of the universe every 30 billion years is just the result of an unfathomable sized creature breathing.

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As a child, I wanted Mister Rogers to visit the Neighborhood of Makebelieve, and wondered why he never got to. When I got older, I thought it was because it was important to show that reality and pretend are different. Now I realise it was probably because he does the voices for most of the puppets.

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Trying to lose a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to Win it

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Surely those who find bad jokes funny have a better sense of humour than those who don't, like how a better metal detector gives a stronger reading for small amounts of metal.

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People who don't scoop up their dogs' shit while on walks are probably also the same people who don't flush after themselves in public restrooms

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Just as equally as men derive their expectations of sex from porn, women derive their expectations of relationships from Hollywood.

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I can't be the only one who thinks that the devil is a better fiddle player than Johnny.

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In the early 1900s rich people had cars and poor people had horses; now it's exactly the reverse situation.

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Flat earthers accuse NASA of CGI yet all they show us is drawn pictures of a flat earth

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I only think about taking a "before" picture after all the work has been complete

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I didn't exist in your world until you read this

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Is hipster peer pressure "come on man, no one else is doing it"?

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Toy Story 4 may include a fidget spinner character.

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Sunday, May 28, 2017

A lot of dead beats should thank Mark Zuckerberg for being able to see your children grow up from the sidelines

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I could be given 50 years to do homework and I would still save it for the last day.

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You know that feeling when you suddenly understand something that's been giving you trouble? You leveled up.

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My biggest source of self-hatred is the fact I will procrastinate for hours on end to avoid literally 15 minutes work, and then wonder where my day went...

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Honey is totally underrated. Its the only natural food that's made without destroying any kind of life. It's also the only food that won't rot.

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Cheap/knock-off clothing brands would make a lot more money if they didn't include their logos on their clothes.

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Most legs in the world are bug legs.

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I think we should give Sarah Palin credit for showing us all that it's actually possible to speak in Comic Sans.

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It's kinda cool how we all speak different languages but the sound for a laugh is universal.

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Grade schools should give each student play money and teach them to balance a checkbook and bills.

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The smell of shit mixed with air freshener is far worse that just the smell of shit by itself.

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When you drink with a straw, you drink the beverage in reverse - from the bottom up; whereas normally you drink top down.

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Designating a smoking area in a cafe is like having a peeing section in a pool.

It doesn't work.

one of the most underrated satisfactions is getting something out of your teeth that's been stuck for a while

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Insects have the entire world to fly around, yet they all choose to come through the crack in my window

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I want to see an album of stranger's photos that I was accidentally in.

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H8 is supposed to be hate but it's height.

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If my life is a computer simulation, it must be the free version because there are so many ads everywhere I look

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movies "based on a true story" should come with a % count for how close to the actual event the movie really is

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If Apple manufactured clothing they'd probably have all the belt loops on their jeans a different size than normal, so you'd also have to buy an Apple Belt.

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When I say "what" its not because I didn't hear you it's because I need a second to figure out what you just said.

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First they're grapes. Then they're grape juice. Then they're wine. Then they're vinegar. They're pretty much useful forever.

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Saturday, May 27, 2017

A century ago everyone had horses and only the rich had cars. Now everyone has cars and only the rich have horses.

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Intelligence is like underwear. It's important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.

Edit: Had this in Jokes and it was recommended to put it here.

Sometimes I admire my partner's ability to not scream "OMG WHO CARES?" into my face when I'm rambling on about some trivial subject.

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Rick Astley's song about full honesty is now associated with one of the most dishonest acts on the internet.

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If they had used cows to power the Matrix instead of humans, it could have been a far simpler program of a green grassy field with more power output per organism.

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Did you ever think about the person that discovered they can smoke cannabis and tobacco. How many other plants did they light on fire and inhale after their discovery??

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I hate it when old people say "Your generation relies too much on technology". The only reason why you say that is simply because technology like today didn't exist in your time. If it did, your generation probably would've been just as reliant on it as us

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I am supposed to believe nobody had the same shoe size as Cinderella.

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I wish I could meet myself so that I could see what I look like and hear what I sound like to other people

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I have never seen a fidget spinner and if it wasn't for the internet I wouldn't even know they existed.

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Schrodinger's Date: you know that if you ask her out, she'll probably say no. But if you never ask, there's always the possibility that she woild've said yes

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"Duck, Duck, Goose" makes more sense when you understand how aggressive geese are.

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If censorship was truly effective we'd have no idea it is actually happening

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'Automatic' and 'Manual' cars are gonna have totally different meanings in about 20 years

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Since most people get buried in suits, a zombie apocalypse would be like a business meeting

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My parents encouraged me to get an education and now they quietly resent me for knowing stuff

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Somehow, being naked while wearing socks feels far worse than being completely naked.

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The main difference between me and my cat is that when she sleeps all day and does nothing productive, she doesn't feel crushing guilt and overwhelming societal pressure.

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Lakes are the opposite of islands.

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Fact checking a conversation you had with someone about a random subject really shows how much bullshit we all speak.

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You're expected to figure out what to do with your life by 21, but you're not allowed to drink or smoke until you're 21 because you're assumed not to know what's good for you yet.

I mean sure, having kids drinking and smoking is bad, but I mean 21? Same thing with a lot of our troops, they aren't allowed to have a beer because they aren't considered mature but they are mature enough to fight for their country?

When I was a kid and my parents described their childhood, I visualized this in black and white. I wonder if they visualized their parents childhoods in sepia.

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In 1000 years people are going to go nuts when they see futurama and think that's what we thought it would look like

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As a dude, I wish it were more acceptable to just hug people who aren't immediate family.

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Children and adults curse every day except when near each other

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If zombies would finish their meals, we wouldn't have a zombie apocalypse.

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When my dog barks, and I yell at it to stop, I'm just barking back.

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A traffic light has more authority and power than I would ever have.

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Playing 3D chess in Star Trek makes perfect sense, since it would train them to think about tactics in 3 dimensions, which is what you want in a spaceship.

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The mongols were basically just a giant biker gang.

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Posting a job that pays less than $10 an hour and requiring at least a year more of experience is really just disrespectful.

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Friday, May 26, 2017

I admire animals that eat grass, their food is also their bed... I wanna sleep on pancakes

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I am 100% sure about anything I do until someone questions me, where I proceed to have a mini heart attack and check for mistakes.

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Giving smoking breaks to smokers is like giving extra food breaks to obese people

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Do hand jobs from girls that speak sign language count as blowjobs?

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Parents can send their unvaxxed kids to preschool, but I can't send a peanut butter sandwich.

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In 'The Martian' it was such a big deal that he got potatoes to grow on Martian soil, but those things spontaneously sprout when I leave them unattended in a plastic bag.

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All males strive to “be the man” while avoiding “being that guy.”

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In hindsight, my elementary school didn't care about many of the things that schools do today like; peanut allergies, bullying, and the general emotional well being of students.

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After 20 years of adulting, I wouldn't mind having a purpose as well defined and easily executable as "You pass butter.".

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Children in the backseat cause accidents but accident in back seat cause kids

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During childhood, we are told that jokes about the genital areas are adult content, but once we become adults, these jokes are considered “childish.”

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Pregnant women are the only true body builders.

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Intentionally losing at a game of rock, paper, scissors, is just as hard as trying to win.

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Google Earth should have a "Wayback Machine" so I can see what my neighborhood looked like 10 years ago.

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Whenever a website tells me not to leave, I assume it's a virus and leave immediately.

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Eventually there will be a fish evolved to look like a piece of floating trash.

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Sometimes I only open a popular thread to see if what I was thinking was one of the top comments.

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Imagine the hell you'd bring onto yourself if you kidnapped the "Taken" daughter while she was walking John Wick's dog.

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People who say "Sorry I look like shit, I'm not wearing any makeup" are literally apologizing for looking like a normal human being.

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Why does the the human mind ignore the second "the"?

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You know you have a blue-collar job when you have to wash your hands before you take a piss..

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I think it's a little suspicious that only one company makes the game "Monopoly"

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M. Night Shyamalan should make a movie without a plot twist to really throw us off

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I wonder if some alien somewhere has bought and named our sun after their girlfriend.

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Since the sun is a star, those suffering from Sun Stroke have been Starstruck.

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Browsing meme pages while in bed is this generation's version of reading the morning comics

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Jimmy Fallon is just a hype man that gets heavily assisted by The Roots

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When waiting on hold, the automated voice that interrupts the elevator music to thank you for holding is more annoying than the actual music

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An Australian actor played Wolverine for 17 years, across 9 movies, and never once said, "That's not a knife. These are knives."

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Thursday, May 25, 2017

If I hear a car alarm I never think a car is actually being broken into

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When I was younger, I used to love getting phonecalls and seeing who was calling me; as an adult, I cringe every time my phone rings

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When I was a kid, Michael Jackson, OJ Simpson, and Bill Cosby were considered role models.

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Why aren't we harnessing the energy of those who use machines at gyms?

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I would rate mobile apps a lot more if doing so didn't take me out of the application

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I've used google for about a decade now and I have never once used the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button.

I dont really know what it does either.

Natural Light should add vitamin D to their beer

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When I look down at my breasts, I'm seeing them from an angle that no one else will ever see.

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The games I played over a decade ago have modern gen graphics in my memory

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Every time I read "ROFL", I hear Scooby Doo trying to say "waffle".

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I always find pleasure in treating my friends or buying them gifts, but as soon as someone pays for me or buys me a gift I feel like a freeloader

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Advertisers using my mobile data to display ads isn't much different than a billboard truck siphoning my gas to follow me in traffic.

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Everyone in the world should be taught the same type of sign language growing up so we can always communicate through language barriers.

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Why do people say "tuna fish" when they don't say "beef mammal" or "chicken bird"?

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One day a carton of milk will have the same expiration date as I do

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Any dog can be a guide dog if you don't have any particular destination.

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Every customer service worker should get one annual "F*** that customer" card, when they cash it in they get to tell a customer EXACTLY what they think of them without consequence for the employee.

Bonus effect, if the card resets on the first day of the year, using your card on January 2nd would be one hell of a message to an a**hole customer.

In Starwars, all those missed blaster shots in space battles just keep going, eventually hitting other planets or ships at random.

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My true opinion of a co-worker comes out when I see them make a typo in an email... it's either "aww, it happens to all of us sometimes" or "wow what a fuckin' loser"

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Telling someone ‘You are shit’ and ‘You ain’t shit’ are both insults.

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I should ask my barber where he gets his hair cut, then go there and slowly make my way up the chain until I find THE GREATEST BARBER IN THE WORLD…or perhaps just a bald dude.

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When I talk to someone in a dream, I have no idea what the other person is going to say even though it's my brain creating the entire conversation.

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When you "bite down" on something, you're actually "biting up" because you can't move your top jaw.

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People who are life long registered organ donors should get priority on organ transplant lists. There would be a lot more donors if that were the case.

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I can sleep with socks on but as soon as I actually realize I have them on I must take them off to fall asleep

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"Go Fuck Yourself!" would be the perfect slogan for a sex toy company

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The band "Live" has to be the hardest band to find music from online.

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The internet was supposed to broaden human horizons but instead became a way for people to surround themselves with like-minded individuals.

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Wednesday, May 24, 2017

I always brush my teeth for longer when someone else is there.

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Betty White is so old that she did a sit-com about being old 30 years ago.

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Ctrl-alt-v should display a paste wheel, so you can have multiple things in the clipboard.

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I don't see why I'd bother putting my hands in the air if I legitimately didn't care.

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Am I the only one who thinks milk tastes better the colder it is?

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Wanna open a snack as loudly as you can? Do it as quietly as possible...

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1- Acquire audio file "Woman Orgasm" 2 - Rename file to With Yourself.mp3 3- Upload to Amazon Music Cloud 4 - Alexa Play With Yourself

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The number 8 key on a keyboard looks like a snowflake falling on a snowman.

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I wish I could store the random motivation I get at 3AM in a kind of battery, to recharge myself with the next day.

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Life is just collecting people to come to your funeral.

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I wish when I forgot a password they'd tell me what the password was before forcing me to change it just so I could see how close or far off I was.

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The Queen probably took a dump today.

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I feel like people in horror movies live in an alternate universe where there are no horror movies.

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What if Disney made Frozen so when people searched up "Walt Disney Frozen" it wasn't a bad thing?

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I would prefer my earbuds to fail completely rather than one side continuing to work.

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Could artists please stop using police sirens as music effects?

Seriously. Every damn day I start panicking cause I think I'm being chased by the fuzz.

I wish you could just record silence and then play it on loudspeakers on full blast to make the whole room quiet.

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Michael Scott would totally have a fidget spinner on his desk

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At this point I'm convinced the secret ingredient for the Krabby Patty is cocaine.

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Bob Dylan's "The Times they are a-Changin'" is just as relevant today as when it was written, proving that the times are not a-changin'

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There is no winning at parenting. Just damage control.

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Young people have no ideas how easy they have it. They never had to jerk off to Girls Gone Wild infomercials.

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Tuesday, May 23, 2017

It shouldn't be necessary to book an appointment with a psychic.

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You never realize how full of shit people are until they start discussing something you know

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It seems odd that so many good 80's songs are actually about stalking or borderline sexual assault

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Culture is just a global version of all that weird shit your family does that you don't realise is weird because you assume everyone's family does that.

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All this technology exists for phone-to-computer transfer, yet I still find it easier to email myself...

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Not sure why until now I'm still very interested to look at the water droplets on the windows of the car whenever it rains and see which droplet is the fastest to reach the bottom of the window

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Whenever I leave a store without buying anything, I always try to look as unsuspicious as possible while walking out.

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The older a man is, the less I question his choice of a hat.

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My proofreading skills skyrocket as soon as I hit the 'send' button.

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One day there will be a generation that looks back on fidget spinners like we look back on pogs.

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The difference between 4am and 5am is late as fuck and early as hell.

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I hate when I become conscience of my own breathing and then have to manually breathe until I forget I reminded myself about breathing.

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It bothers me that there's no computer on the desk in the Oval Office.

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I feel like Google should be paying me for the amount of times a day I tell people to Google something.

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There should be an Oscar category for actors who can realistically drink out of an empty cup

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At this point, the Marvel Movies aren't individual movies, they are just 2 hour long episodes to a 15 episode series

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I still, to this day, can't think what domino's pizza does during 'quality check'. Do they just look at the pizza and go "yep, that's a pizza!"

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If a smoker goes in to a coma for long enough, do they wake up without a craving to smoke?

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I wish I knew what the English language sounded like without knowing the English language...

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I wonder if my burger meat and cheese on a single cheeseburger have ever came from the same cow

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Every once in a while I hear a siren in a song when I'm driving and have a mini heart attack.

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Out of 7 billion people someone somewhere must qualify as the worst human being alive

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Laws should have an expiration date the way patents or classified information do. That way, it is guaranteed to be reviewed after a long time as new information becomes available. And only after justifying its existence in the present time shall it pass for several more years.

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It would be so cool if we just pushed a button on our phones and it notified the ice cream man of a customer. Sort of like lyft/uber. But it's an ice cream truck.

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24 is a really awkward age. Half my friends are either on their third child and in the middle of a divorce, or still getting an allowance from their parents while retaking a class for the third time.

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Putting on pants is agreeing to terms and conditons that you must start the day.

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There was a time when you could go up to anyone your age and say, "Do you want to be my friend?" And then go and play together.

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Monday, May 22, 2017

Hispanic parents will keep you up at parties until 4 am when you're a kid but expect you home at 10 o'clock when you're older

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You can say "it is what it is," but when you say "it's what it's" you get weird looks.

Yes, I may sound like English isn't my first/native language, but it is

Wait! There's another example:

but it is

but it's

It's acceptable to say how reliant and addicted you are to a drug as long as the drug is caffeine.

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Fidget spinners are made to help kids who get easily distracted, but are now being banned from schools for being too distracting.

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If I ever have to text a license plate number in a hurry, I feel like autocorrect is going to fuck me.

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As a kid I brought smiles to truckers faces when I begged them to pull their air horn. As a trucker I bring smiles to kids faces when I pull my air horn.

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Some women want their outfit to be noticed. As a man, I would prefer nobody noticing it so I can wear it again tomorrow.

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Han Solo tells C3PO "never tell me the odds" a few times in the series, but when Luke hits the exhaust portal to blow up the Death Star, the first thing he says is "great shot kid, that was one in a million"

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Sleeping is like saving in a video game. It takes longer than you'd like and stopping it early causes you to lose data

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I'm always surprised when a guy can undo a bra clasp with one hand. As a girl, I can't even do that.

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If you watch "Jeopardy!" backwards, it's Alex Trebek charging people for strange and unhelpful answers to simple questions

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How loud a family cheers at their kid's graduation always seems inversely related to that child's potential.

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Roses are red. but the colour "rose" is pink. Violets are blue. but the colour "violet" is purple.

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A book is just step-by-step instructions of what to imagine

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It's weird how my generation is always accused of being entitled, yet when I tell my mom that she's never getting a daughter in law or grandkids out of me her and her friends start having temper tantrums.

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I respect strangers that flash their lights to warn me about a speed trap more than the cop trying to enforce the law.

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Every time I listen to music, I listen on shuffle but skip every song until I get to the ones I want to hear anyways.

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Humans are both naturally occurring and man-made.

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We could've all been lied to about the date of our birthdays and we wouldn't know.

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I wonder if a waitress has ever flirted with me and I dismissed it as trying to get a better tip.

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Pizza smells better when it's not your pizza.

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Butterfly knives are basically hardcore fidget spinners.

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The part of "Toy Story" that requires the greatest suspension of disbelief isn't the living toys. It's when Sid is able to win the claw machine on his first try, twice.

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Women of my generation never say I'm attractive, but my grandmother's friends are always saying what a handsome young man I am - leading me to believe I would have been good looking had I lived in the 1930s

Edit 1: Wow ended up making the front page! Thanks for all the upvotes and comments.

Edit 2: A lot of comments have asked for a photo of me - I considered it but figured the responses would probably be overwhelmingly negative (whether truthful or just trolling) :-)

Edit 3: Also a lot of positive comments and uplifting words! Thanks all!

When the cat watches me give a blowjob, he probably thinks that I'm helping my boyfriend groom.

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Sunday, May 21, 2017

Only when I'm sick do I realize how much I took advantage of being healthy.

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Rappers act all hard but all they're doing is reading you their poetry.

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Adam Sandler is the human equivalent of Jar Jar Binks.

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Whenever my parents ask if I want anything from the food store I forget every food that exists

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If you think your parents didn't have a favourite child, you were the favourite child

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I bet opera singers have beautiful sounding orgasms.

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Why is law to vaccinate our pets, yet we hide behind the 1st Amendment when it comes to vaccinating our children?

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I think the most unrealistic thing in The Walking Dead is the lack of roller blades. Forget walking, it's roller derby as soon as I see even one zombie. Gonna build my own kingdom of slightly more mobile ass-kickers. Stuntin on everybody

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Harrison Ford is one of the best pilots in the Star Wars universe. But he is a terrible pilot in ours.

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Why do sitcoms always miss the little details? If there's six people in the family and they all drink milk, don't act like that quart is gonna suffice. We know better.

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I always assume everyone from my past doesn't remember me, even though I always remember them.

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Are boobs measured in cups because they have milk in them.

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PornHub should make a sexual education series for adults.

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Tolkien had no Idea how important he would become to New Zealand's economy

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If I got told I was a good boy for eating and being myself, I too would be ecstatic.

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We have refrigerators that can surf the Internet, but we can't get potato chip makers to use Ziploc bags for their product.

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Captain Obvious seems like a lame hero until you realize how few people have common sense.

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Exercising is free, but we keep finding ways to make it more expensive.

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Going to bed without having to set an alarm is one of the most satisfying feelings ever.

Especially after a long day.

Birthday gifts are just rewards for not dying.

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Linguistically, the difference between getting 'chewed out' and 'eaten out' is subtle. Their actual meanings, however, are quite drastic.

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I am always so relieved when I open a thick instruction manual, and find I only have to read 1/4 of it, because it's printed in 4 languages.

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Bullets are the only thing that do their job after they've been fired.

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The division symbol, ÷, is just a blank fraction. You replace the dots with the numbers.

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I'm fine with repost, as long as I haven't seen it before.

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Any place that has an even number of urinals in the men's room has a bad understanding of male psychology.

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The most interesting part of watching my kid talk on a play phone isn't when he's talking to the imaginary person on the other end, it's when they sit and listen to what the other person is saying.

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Claiming to have been hacked is this century's version of "the dog ate my homework".

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Kids today have no idea how lucky they are to be able to look up song lyrics online. Be honest, you still don't know what Eddie Vedder is saying.

Even Flow

My school constantly encourages students to "reduce, reuse, recycle," yet there's not a single recycling bin in the entire building.

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If you have to fart in public, Bath and Body Works is the best place to do that.

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when i listen to a digital version of a song i used to have on CD, i still remember exactly where it used to skip and still sort of expect it to.

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Saturday, May 20, 2017

In a submarine battle you can be under fire, underwater, on fire, and taking on water all at the same time

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Children are like the alpha version of humans, full of potential but mostly useless. Teenagers are the beta release; more capable and finding their feet. Adults are like the final release; interesting at the start but then everyone gets bored of you and development stops

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Whenever I kill a boss in a videogame I'm hero, but the second I do it at work I'm a "bad man."

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I wonder if one day the phrase "Don't judge a book by its cover" will morph into "Don't judge a video by its thumbnail"

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I don't talk to 99 percent of my contacts on my phone

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When I hear "Anne Perkins" I think of Rob Lowe, not Rashida Jones.

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As an introvert dating an introvert, a lot of our relationship revolves around asking the other person if they're OK.

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When you say "forward" or "back" your mouth moves in that direction.

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Tetris has taught me something: If you try to fit in, you disappear, if you stand out, you screw everything up.

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I noticed that when you listen to music, you tend to focus more on the lyrics when you're sad, and the melody when you're happy.

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Instead of saying "Save Net Neutrality", say "Stop Internet Toll Roads" and people would probably understand the issue better.

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I listen to dead people sing to me all the time

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People born in '31 are 86 years old. People born in '86 are 31 years old.

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"I forgot to plug in my car" is going to become the new "I forgot to set my alarm"

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It must suck to appear useless when your job is to prevent something that never happens, but it only never happens because you're doing such a good job.

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If anti-aging products work so good, why do they hire different models every year?

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Steam should really have a "Games I can afford with my steam wallet money" section.

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The most unrealistic thing about Harry Potter is that they eventually use all the skills they learn at school

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Breasts are measured in cups because they have milk in it.

Edit: in THEM. Sorry folks.

If Snow White married Jon Snow she would be Snow Snow

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Each time snapchat releases more filters I become more convinced that someone at HQ has a furry fetish

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Monopoly would be more realistic if you had to start on a board already owned and fully developed by the winner of the previous game. And you have to pay to roll the dice.

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If someone passes me on the right, it's because they're an asshole. If I pass someone on the right, it's because they're an asshole.

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As a kid I always felt that Eeyore was a massive buzz kill. As an adult I identify with him on a spiritual level.

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All growing up, adults' advice was always "Life's too short, so don't waste all your free time on work". Then, when you take that advice and put it into practice and value your free time they sneer that "Kids these days don't want to put in any extra work"

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‪The human body with calories is like an RPG player with potions. "But what if I need it later?" it asks, storing fat.‬

And I just ran the cheeseburger dungeon for the hundredth time.

There are some people in my life I wish I had hugged a little longer.

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Friday, May 19, 2017

I immediately disregard any picture, link, or article marked as "Sponsored".

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If ghosts really stay and haunt the places where they die, the highway must be full of ghosts just standing around looking at traffic all angry and shit.

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If you're the only white person in an ethnic restaurant, it's probably good. If it is only white people in an ethnic restaurant it's probably overpriced.

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"Hellmann" is a pretty badass named wasted on something as mundane as mayonnaise.

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The sentence "Are you as bored as I am " can be said backwards and still make sense.

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As a kid I thought I'd watch the news when I got older, and now as an adult my life revolves around Archer, Rick and Morty, Futurama and Bobs Burgers episodes

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If my wife refuses sex, it's perfectly normal. But if I refuse sex I am a terrible person who doesn't find her attractive.

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The more symbols and numbers I'm asked to put in my password, the less secure it becomes, because I will have trouble remembering it

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Laughing is so weird. You just stare at the other person with your mouth wide open making ridiculous sounds and sometimes you can't stop.

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Despite fidget spinners' original purpose of counteracting distractions, their current popularity is probably resulting in a more distracted general public than before

How many videos and news segments are there on these spinning toys?

My anxiety immediately goes away at parties if a dog is there, because then I have someone to talk to

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If a bomb leftover from WW2 goes off and kills someone, does that make them a casualty of WW2?

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If my bed was as comfortable in the evening as it was in the morning, maybe I'd sleep 8 hours a night

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When people say "You'll never guess who i saw today",I instantly forget anyone i know or have ever heard of

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No matter how intimidating a person you may be, you become the least intimidating if you have hiccups.

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Saying "please" is meant to be polite but when I type it in an email it sounds slightly aggressive

E.g. can you please take a look at this?

"I work for one of the richest companies in the world" sounds a lot better than "I work at a supermarket"

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Millenials get blamed for a lot of societies problems but last I checked not a single millenial was serving in congress.

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If the Queen reaches 100 years old, is she going to write herself a congratulations letter?

I bet she'd do it ironically

The X-wing is the AK-47 of Star Wars. Reliable, iconic, and used by rebel groups.

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I've never seen a doomsday prepper that I would trust in the event of a societal collapse

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People in 2017: "Did you know that the mammoths still lived at the time of the Pyramids?" People in 2117: "Did you know that Queen Elizabeth still lived at the time of Dank Memes?"

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"Millennialist have it too easy" says a generation that could afford a house from unskilled labor at 21

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Because I lived close to the year 2000 for most of my life, a part of me will always believe that 1950 was 50 years ago.

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When my wife asks where I want to eat, she actually wants me to guess correctly where she wants to eat.

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Musician deaths hit their fans particularly hard not because we know them but because they help us know ourselves.

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If you drive a VW Beetle then you have inadverntatinly gotten a lot of people punched.

Edit: Inadvertently

Thursday, May 18, 2017

An Uber rating of 4.97 is more impressive than an Uber rating of 5.0

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Kids these days who take Flintstones vitamins probably have no clue who the Flintstones are.

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Self-checkout lanes have probably increased safe sex practices since there's no fear of an awkward interaction with the cashier.

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Here's something I don't miss: CDs that hide a bonus song after 10 minutes of silence

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When I see a skeleton I always assume it was a male

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We live in a age where we have to prove to machines that we are not machines.

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I listen to music so often that sometimes I measure how long it takes me to do something based on the amount of songs I listened to doing it.

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I'm just fine swallowing my spit, but spitting into a cup then drinking it sounds disgusting.

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It's normal to write using a black or blue pen, however it's strange to type in blue.

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I didnt feel old until i realized i am older than most professional athletes

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What if fossilization is a myth and animals just used to be made of rock?

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I sometimes ask people if they can read my mind in my mind, just in case they can and they turn their head towards me.

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Sometimes when I kill a small bug, I wonder if I just anticlimactically ended a heroic quest he was on

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Autocorrect is more like autoassume, cause it isnt always correct.

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One of the biggest tragedies of mankind through out all of history is all of the female geniuses who were never allowed to reach their potential and contribute their gifts to the world. Think of all the female "Mozarts" or "Einsteins" who could have been, but never were.

Edit: To clarify my post, the tragedy I speak of is the one of loss both men and women deal with because women were not allowed to contribute to society using their minds over the centuries. Just think about what might have come of the world had women been considered equal and allowed to learn and work as men were expected too.