Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Guys want good girls to be bad for them. Girls want bad guys to be good for them.

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Birth certificates are basically receipts for humans

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I distrust my friends so much, that when they tell me to google something, I go to incognito mode

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Telephone poles are just trees with jobs

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The more I learn about consumerism and marketing the more I question myself wether my thoughts and desires are legit or fabricated.

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Walking anywhere with my GF is like escorting an NPC in a video game, every now and again I have to turn around and wait for her to catchup or go back because she completely stopped.

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The generation who bought pet rocks doesn't understand the point of fidget spinners.

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The phrase "in a years time we'll laugh about it" is untrue, I cringe over things that happened when I was 13

I'm 21 since people keep asking



I read a book from 1950s and it doesn't feel old to me but I browse a web page from 2005 and it feels damn too old

By saying "a web page from 2005" i mean a web page that has entries from that time (a news article, an old facebook post etc.)



Flossing and masturbating are opposites. Nobody flosses but everyone claims to. Everyone masturbates but also deny it.

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I'm more terrified of pedestrians when I'm driving than I am of cars when I'm walking.

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Anime conventions are an excellent source of virgin blood if you're a vampire looking to feed

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With various things in life, I either find myself giving too many fucks or no fucks at all. It's like I can't find a middle ground for moderate fuck distribution

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When you say "five second rule!" To validate your behavior, who are you really trying to convince? Just eat your floor food.

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I've never actually thanked someone who told me I would thank them later.

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15 years ago, I never thought it would be a point of pride to say "yeah, I've never actually taken a picture of my dick."

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It feels terrible to have nothing to do, but feels great to have to do nothing.

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In fifteen years, I'll be complaining to my kids that they don't make memes like they used to.

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At special occasions girls with curly hair straighten it and girls with straight hair curl it.

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A woman saying "I'm going commando" is a lot less seductive that her saying "I'm not wearing underwear"

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The second worst part of unemployment is having the time to see your house spiders act like you're not home

Shower spiders are the worst.



In 10 years time we'll see obnoxious social media posts captioned "You're not an 00s kid if you don't remember these" with a photo of a fidget spinner.

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I can't wait for the day when I turn on an oldies radio station and hear Snoop Dogg.

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The best sleep I get every night is the 9 minutes between the first time my alarm goes off and the second time it goes off.

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Tuesday, May 30, 2017

The best argument that I can come up with for my life not being the Truman Show is that it would have been cancelled by now

Seriously who would watch this shit?



Google Maps is amazingly accurate these days, but I miss the days when you could shave off a ton of time by just driving faster than it thought you would.

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It'd be a lot easier to login if websites reminded me of the criteria for making their password.

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Truth or dare should be renamed to "interrogation or humiliation"

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Shrek may unintentionally have the most realistic message of all animated films in that, "regardless of inner beauty, people will probably end up with someone who matches them outwardly."

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The first predator to evolve from a species of herbivores must have been a pretty fucking terrifying sight for everyone involved.

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The Tuesday after a 3 day weekend is like Monday on steroids

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Caterpillars are absolutely magical no matter how familiar they are to us. They dissolve themselves into mush and somehow emerge as butterflies. They are literally shapeshifters. Imagine if you put a baby to sleep and it woke up as an eagle.

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When I was growing up, I always rooted for the "good guys" in stories. As an adult, I find myself appreciating and wanting to understand the "bad guys" more.

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If my younger self see what I have become now he will surely be disappointed, but then again that's his fault.

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The english language allows me to say "I don't know" without opening my mouth. Hum a low note a high note, then another low note.

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Wearing flip-flops at a urnial made me realize how much pee must be on the top of my shoes

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In few centuries, "Founder of the company Tesla isn't Nikola Tesla" will be in a Did you know? article

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I'm going to be a part of the last generation that remembers life before the Internet.

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I'm more careful with game currency than I am with real money

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There are so many who argue against allowing gays to marry for the sake of the sanctity of marriage, but I've never heard anyone fighting to make adultery a crime.

It's a misdemeanor or felony in less than half of the states in the U.S., and aside from people in the military, I've never seen any instance in which someone is punished specifically for it.

I mean, "don't covet your neighbor's wife" is clearly in the Ten Commandments, so it seems like a much bigger problem than letting gay people get married.



Children screaming while playing is kind of like a car alarm. I hear it so often, that at this point I don't know if I would know when someone is trying to steal one.

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The news always starts with "good evening", but it then proceeds to give you a list of reasons why the evening is not good.

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Something is seriously wrong with the education system when the most common adult nightmare is that you're still in school.

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Nursing homes in the future will be filled with old men discussing Pokémon and other games

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Most people have accidentally opened Siri more times than they've actually used it.

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If I ever get a post to the front page, I'll surely tell my SO about it. Then I'll have to delete my account because then they'll know my username.

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Porn companies and Disney are looking to hire the same demographic: adults who look like teens.

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Someday history books will reference tweets...

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McAfee antivirus behaves more like a virus than any virus I've ever had.

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Monday, May 29, 2017

If artificial intelligence was intelligent, it would lose the chess games against humans on purpose

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I spent 60k on 6 years of college. For that money i could have paid profs $70 per hour for 100 hours of 1 to 1 instruction per year, and had $3000 per year left over for books or whatever. I should have done that.

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Door to door salespeople are just real life popup ads

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We eat shrimp but eating bugs is fucking disgusting.

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I bet that some dogs have "dog-friends" they have never met, just regularly exchange smells on posts.

Instead of waving and saying "Good morning, how's it going?" like humans, dogs would just piss "I am feeling great this morning, been eating chicken and fish!"



2017 is the last year anyone born in the 90s will be under 18. After this, there will be no more 90s kids.

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A package sent by car is a shipment, but a package sent by ship is a cargo.

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On TV, even if the person is speaking in perfectly audible English, if there are subtitles, I'm going to be reading them.

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When a movie character has blood drip from their nose, we automatically know they are dying of something horrible, when blood drips from my nose, I have a bloody nose.

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I'm really glad that keyboards have the numbers in numerical order, and not arbitrarily placed like the letters

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We seriously under-appreciate the fact that Little Caesars has never raised the price of their $5 hot 'n' ready.

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Soon, "the twenties" will be used to talk about 2020 instead of 1920

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Nothing ever seems loud until I try to do it quietly

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If I take a picture of myself now, when I inevitably let myself go and gain a bunch of weight I can get some free krama by switching the before and after pics.

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My science teacher gave me this particularly mind blowing thought: What if the expansion and shrinking of the universe every 30 billion years is just the result of an unfathomable sized creature breathing.

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As a child, I wanted Mister Rogers to visit the Neighborhood of Makebelieve, and wondered why he never got to. When I got older, I thought it was because it was important to show that reality and pretend are different. Now I realise it was probably because he does the voices for most of the puppets.

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Trying to lose a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to Win it

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Surely those who find bad jokes funny have a better sense of humour than those who don't, like how a better metal detector gives a stronger reading for small amounts of metal.

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People who don't scoop up their dogs' shit while on walks are probably also the same people who don't flush after themselves in public restrooms

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Just as equally as men derive their expectations of sex from porn, women derive their expectations of relationships from Hollywood.

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I can't be the only one who thinks that the devil is a better fiddle player than Johnny.

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In the early 1900s rich people had cars and poor people had horses; now it's exactly the reverse situation.

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Flat earthers accuse NASA of CGI yet all they show us is drawn pictures of a flat earth

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I only think about taking a "before" picture after all the work has been complete

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I didn't exist in your world until you read this

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Is hipster peer pressure "come on man, no one else is doing it"?

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Toy Story 4 may include a fidget spinner character.

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Sunday, May 28, 2017

A lot of dead beats should thank Mark Zuckerberg for being able to see your children grow up from the sidelines

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I could be given 50 years to do homework and I would still save it for the last day.

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You know that feeling when you suddenly understand something that's been giving you trouble? You leveled up.

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My biggest source of self-hatred is the fact I will procrastinate for hours on end to avoid literally 15 minutes work, and then wonder where my day went...

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Honey is totally underrated. Its the only natural food that's made without destroying any kind of life. It's also the only food that won't rot.

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Cheap/knock-off clothing brands would make a lot more money if they didn't include their logos on their clothes.

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Most legs in the world are bug legs.

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I think we should give Sarah Palin credit for showing us all that it's actually possible to speak in Comic Sans.

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It's kinda cool how we all speak different languages but the sound for a laugh is universal.

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Grade schools should give each student play money and teach them to balance a checkbook and bills.

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The smell of shit mixed with air freshener is far worse that just the smell of shit by itself.

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When you drink with a straw, you drink the beverage in reverse - from the bottom up; whereas normally you drink top down.

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Designating a smoking area in a cafe is like having a peeing section in a pool.

It doesn't work.



one of the most underrated satisfactions is getting something out of your teeth that's been stuck for a while

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Insects have the entire world to fly around, yet they all choose to come through the crack in my window

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I want to see an album of stranger's photos that I was accidentally in.

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H8 is supposed to be hate but it's height.

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If my life is a computer simulation, it must be the free version because there are so many ads everywhere I look

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movies "based on a true story" should come with a % count for how close to the actual event the movie really is

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If Apple manufactured clothing they'd probably have all the belt loops on their jeans a different size than normal, so you'd also have to buy an Apple Belt.

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When I say "what" its not because I didn't hear you it's because I need a second to figure out what you just said.

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First they're grapes. Then they're grape juice. Then they're wine. Then they're vinegar. They're pretty much useful forever.

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Saturday, May 27, 2017

A century ago everyone had horses and only the rich had cars. Now everyone has cars and only the rich have horses.

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Intelligence is like underwear. It's important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.

Edit: Had this in Jokes and it was recommended to put it here.



Sometimes I admire my partner's ability to not scream "OMG WHO CARES?" into my face when I'm rambling on about some trivial subject.

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Rick Astley's song about full honesty is now associated with one of the most dishonest acts on the internet.

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If they had used cows to power the Matrix instead of humans, it could have been a far simpler program of a green grassy field with more power output per organism.

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Did you ever think about the person that discovered they can smoke cannabis and tobacco. How many other plants did they light on fire and inhale after their discovery??

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I hate it when old people say "Your generation relies too much on technology". The only reason why you say that is simply because technology like today didn't exist in your time. If it did, your generation probably would've been just as reliant on it as us

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I am supposed to believe nobody had the same shoe size as Cinderella.

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I wish I could meet myself so that I could see what I look like and hear what I sound like to other people

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I have never seen a fidget spinner and if it wasn't for the internet I wouldn't even know they existed.

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Schrodinger's Date: you know that if you ask her out, she'll probably say no. But if you never ask, there's always the possibility that she woild've said yes

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"Duck, Duck, Goose" makes more sense when you understand how aggressive geese are.

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If censorship was truly effective we'd have no idea it is actually happening

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'Automatic' and 'Manual' cars are gonna have totally different meanings in about 20 years

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Since most people get buried in suits, a zombie apocalypse would be like a business meeting

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My parents encouraged me to get an education and now they quietly resent me for knowing stuff

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Somehow, being naked while wearing socks feels far worse than being completely naked.

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The main difference between me and my cat is that when she sleeps all day and does nothing productive, she doesn't feel crushing guilt and overwhelming societal pressure.

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Lakes are the opposite of islands.

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Fact checking a conversation you had with someone about a random subject really shows how much bullshit we all speak.

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You're expected to figure out what to do with your life by 21, but you're not allowed to drink or smoke until you're 21 because you're assumed not to know what's good for you yet.

I mean sure, having kids drinking and smoking is bad, but I mean 21? Same thing with a lot of our troops, they aren't allowed to have a beer because they aren't considered mature but they are mature enough to fight for their country?



When I was a kid and my parents described their childhood, I visualized this in black and white. I wonder if they visualized their parents childhoods in sepia.

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In 1000 years people are going to go nuts when they see futurama and think that's what we thought it would look like

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As a dude, I wish it were more acceptable to just hug people who aren't immediate family.

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Children and adults curse every day except when near each other

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If zombies would finish their meals, we wouldn't​ have a zombie apocalypse.

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When my dog barks, and I yell at it to stop, I'm just barking back.

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A traffic light has more authority and power than I would ever have.

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Playing 3D chess in Star Trek makes perfect sense, since it would train them to think about tactics in 3 dimensions, which is what you want in a spaceship.

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The mongols were basically just a giant biker gang.

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Posting a job that pays less than $10 an hour and requiring at least a year more of experience is really just disrespectful.

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Friday, May 26, 2017

I admire animals that eat grass, their food is also their bed... I wanna sleep on pancakes

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I am 100% sure about anything I do until someone questions me, where I proceed to have a mini heart attack and check for mistakes.

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Giving smoking breaks to smokers is like giving extra food breaks to obese people

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Do hand jobs from girls that speak sign language count as blowjobs?

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Parents can send their unvaxxed kids to preschool, but I can't send a peanut butter sandwich.

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In 'The Martian' it was such a big deal that he got potatoes to grow on Martian soil, but those things spontaneously sprout when I leave them unattended in a plastic bag.

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All males strive to “be the man” while avoiding “being that guy.”

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In hindsight, my elementary school didn't care about many of the things that schools do today like; peanut allergies, bullying, and the general emotional well being of students.

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After 20 years of adulting, I wouldn't mind having a purpose as well defined and easily executable as "You pass butter.".

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Children in the backseat cause accidents but accident in back seat cause kids

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During childhood, we are told that jokes about the genital areas are adult content, but once we become adults, these jokes are considered “childish.”

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Pregnant women are the only true body builders.

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Intentionally losing at a game of rock, paper, scissors, is just as hard as trying to win.

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Google Earth should have a "Wayback Machine" so I can see what my neighborhood looked like 10 years ago.

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Whenever a website tells me not to leave, I assume it's a virus and leave immediately.

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Eventually there will be a fish evolved to look like a piece of floating trash.

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Sometimes I only open a popular thread to see if what I was thinking was one of the top comments.

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Imagine the hell you'd bring onto yourself if you kidnapped the "Taken" daughter while she was walking John Wick's dog.

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People who say "Sorry I look like shit, I'm not wearing any makeup" are literally apologizing for looking like a normal human being.

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Why does the the human mind ignore the second "the"?

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You know you have a blue-collar job when you have to wash your hands before you take a piss..

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I think it's a little suspicious that only one company makes the game "Monopoly"

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M. Night Shyamalan should make a movie without a plot twist to really throw us off

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I wonder if some alien somewhere has bought and named our sun after their girlfriend.

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Since the sun is a star, those suffering from Sun Stroke have been Starstruck.

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Browsing meme pages while in bed is this generation's version of reading the morning comics

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Jimmy Fallon is just a hype man that gets heavily assisted by The Roots

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When waiting on hold, the automated voice that interrupts the elevator music to thank you for holding is more annoying than the actual music

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An Australian actor played Wolverine for 17 years, across 9 movies, and never once said, "That's not a knife. These are knives."

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Thursday, May 25, 2017

If I hear a car alarm I never think a car is actually being broken into

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When I was younger, I used to love getting phonecalls and seeing who was calling me; as an adult, I cringe every time my phone rings

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When I was a kid, Michael Jackson, OJ Simpson, and Bill Cosby were considered role models.

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Why aren't we harnessing the energy of those who use machines at gyms?

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I would rate mobile apps a lot more if doing so didn't take me out of the application

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I've used google for about a decade now and I have never once used the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button.

I dont really know what it does either.



Natural Light should add vitamin D to their beer

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When I look down at my breasts, I'm seeing them from an angle that no one else will ever see.

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The games I played over a decade ago have modern gen graphics in my memory

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Every time I read "ROFL", I hear Scooby Doo trying to say "waffle".

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I always find pleasure in treating my friends or buying them gifts, but as soon as someone pays for me or buys me a gift I feel like a freeloader

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Advertisers using my mobile data to display ads isn't much different than a billboard truck siphoning my gas to follow me in traffic.

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Everyone in the world should be taught the same type of sign language growing up so we can always communicate through language barriers.

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Why do people say "tuna fish" when they don't say "beef mammal" or "chicken bird"?

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One day a carton of milk will have the same expiration date as I do

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Any dog can be a guide dog if you don't have any particular destination.

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Every customer service worker should get one annual "F*** that customer" card, when they cash it in they get to tell a customer EXACTLY what they think of them without consequence for the employee.

Bonus effect, if the card resets on the first day of the year, using your card on January 2nd would be one hell of a message to an a**hole customer.



In Starwars, all those missed blaster shots in space battles just keep going, eventually hitting other planets or ships at random.

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My true opinion of a co-worker comes out when I see them make a typo in an email... it's either "aww, it happens to all of us sometimes" or "wow what a fuckin' loser"

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Telling someone ‘You are shit’ and ‘You ain’t shit’ are both insults.

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I should ask my barber where he gets his hair cut, then go there and slowly make my way up the chain until I find THE GREATEST BARBER IN THE WORLD…or perhaps just a bald dude.

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When I talk to someone in a dream, I have no idea what the other person is going to say even though it's my brain creating the entire conversation.

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When you "bite down" on something, you're actually "biting up" because you can't move your top jaw.

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People who are life long registered organ donors should get priority on organ transplant lists. There would be a lot more donors if that were the case.

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I can sleep with socks on but as soon as I actually realize I have them on I must take them off to fall asleep

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"Go Fuck Yourself!" would be the perfect slogan for a sex toy company

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The band "Live" has to be the hardest band to find music from online.

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The internet was supposed to broaden human horizons but instead became a way for people to surround themselves with like-minded individuals.

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Wednesday, May 24, 2017

I always brush my teeth for longer when someone else is there.

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Betty White is so old that she did a sit-com about being old 30 years ago.

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Ctrl-alt-v should display a paste wheel, so you can have multiple things in the clipboard.

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I don't see why I'd bother putting my hands in the air if I legitimately didn't care.

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Am I the only one who thinks milk tastes better the colder it is?

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Wanna open a snack as loudly as you can? Do it as quietly as possible...

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1- Acquire audio file "Woman Orgasm" 2 - Rename file to With Yourself.mp3 3- Upload to Amazon Music Cloud 4 - Alexa Play With Yourself

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The number 8 key on a keyboard looks like a snowflake falling on a snowman.

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I wish I could store the random motivation I get at 3AM in a kind of battery, to recharge myself with the next day.

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Life is just collecting people to come to your funeral.

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I wish when I forgot a password they'd tell me what the password was before forcing me to change it just so I could see how close or far off I was.

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The Queen probably took a dump today.

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I feel like people in horror movies live in an alternate universe where there are no horror movies.

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What if Disney made Frozen so when people searched up "Walt Disney Frozen" it wasn't a bad thing?

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I would prefer my earbuds to fail completely rather than one side continuing to work.

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Could artists please stop using police sirens as music effects?

Seriously. Every damn day I start panicking cause I think I'm being chased by the fuzz.



I wish you could just record silence and then play it on loudspeakers on full blast to make the whole room quiet.

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Michael Scott would totally have a fidget spinner on his desk

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At this point I'm convinced the secret ingredient for the Krabby Patty is cocaine.

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Bob Dylan's "The Times they are a-Changin'" is just as relevant today as when it was written, proving that the times are not a-changin'

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There is no winning at parenting. Just damage control.

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Young people have no ideas how easy they have it. They never had to jerk off to Girls Gone Wild infomercials.

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Tuesday, May 23, 2017

It shouldn't be necessary to book an appointment with a psychic.

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You never realize how full of shit people are until they start discussing something you know

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It seems odd that so many good 80's songs are actually about stalking or borderline sexual assault

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Culture is just a global version of all that weird shit your family does that you don't realise is weird because you assume everyone's family does that.

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All this technology exists for phone-to-computer transfer, yet I still find it easier to email myself...

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Not sure why until now I'm still very interested to look at the water droplets on the windows of the car whenever it rains and see which droplet is the fastest to reach the bottom of the window

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Whenever I leave a store without buying anything, I always try to look as unsuspicious as possible while walking out.

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The older a man is, the less I question his choice of a hat.

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My proofreading skills skyrocket as soon as I hit the 'send' button.

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One day there will be a generation that looks back on fidget spinners like we look back on pogs.

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The difference between 4am and 5am is late as fuck and early as hell.

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I hate when I become conscience of my own breathing and then have to manually breathe until I forget I reminded myself about breathing.

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It bothers me that there's no computer on the desk in the Oval Office.

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I feel like Google should be paying me for the amount of times a day I tell people to Google something.

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There should be an Oscar category for actors who can realistically drink out of an empty cup

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At this point, the Marvel Movies aren't individual movies, they are just 2 hour long episodes to a 15 episode series

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I still, to this day, can't think what domino's pizza does during 'quality check'. Do they just look at the pizza and go "yep, that's a pizza!"

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If a smoker goes in to a coma for long enough, do they wake up without a craving to smoke?

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I wish I knew what the English language sounded like without knowing the English language...

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I wonder if my burger meat and cheese on a single cheeseburger have ever came from the same cow

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Every once in a while I hear a siren in a song when I'm driving and have a mini heart attack.

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Out of 7 billion people someone somewhere must qualify as the worst human being alive

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Laws should have an expiration date the way patents or classified information do. That way, it is guaranteed to be reviewed after a long time as new information becomes available. And only after justifying its existence in the present time shall it pass for several more years.

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It would be so cool if we just pushed a button on our phones and it notified the ice cream man of a customer. Sort of like lyft/uber. But it's an ice cream truck.

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24 is a really awkward age. Half my friends are either on their third child and in the middle of a divorce, or still getting an allowance from their parents while retaking a class for the third time.

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Putting on pants is agreeing to terms and conditons that you must start the day.

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There was a time when you could go up to anyone your age and say, "Do you want to be my friend?" And then go and play together.

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Monday, May 22, 2017

Hispanic parents will keep you up at parties until 4 am when you're a kid but expect you home at 10 o'clock when you're older

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You can say "it is what it is," but when you say "it's what it's" you get weird looks.

Yes, I may sound like English isn't my first/native language, but it is

Wait! There's another example:

but it is

but it's



It's acceptable to say how reliant and addicted you are to a drug as long as the drug is caffeine.

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Fidget spinners are made to help kids who get easily distracted, but are now being banned from schools for being too distracting.

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If I ever have to text a license plate number in a hurry, I feel like autocorrect is going to fuck me.

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As a kid I brought smiles to truckers faces when I begged them to pull their air horn. As a trucker I bring smiles to kids faces when I pull my air horn.

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Some women want their outfit to be noticed. As a man, I would prefer nobody noticing it so I can wear it again tomorrow.

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Han Solo tells C3PO "never tell me the odds" a few times in the series, but when Luke hits the exhaust portal to blow up the Death Star, the first thing he says is "great shot kid, that was one in a million"

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Sleeping is like saving in a video game. It takes longer than you'd like and stopping it early causes you to lose data

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I'm always surprised when a guy can undo a bra clasp with one hand. As a girl, I can't even do that.

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If you watch "Jeopardy!" backwards, it's Alex Trebek charging people for strange and unhelpful answers to simple questions

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How loud a family cheers at their kid's graduation always seems inversely related to that child's potential.

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Roses are red. but the colour "rose" is pink. Violets are blue. but the colour "violet" is purple.

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A book is just step-by-step instructions of what to imagine

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It's weird how my generation is always accused of being entitled, yet when I tell my mom that she's never getting a daughter in law or grandkids out of me her and her friends start having temper tantrums.

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I respect strangers that flash their lights to warn me about a speed trap more than the cop trying to enforce the law.

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Every time I listen to music, I listen on shuffle but skip every song until I get to the ones I want to hear anyways.

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Humans are both naturally occurring and man-made.

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We could've all been lied to about the date of our birthdays and we wouldn't know.

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I wonder if a waitress has ever flirted with me and I dismissed it as trying to get a better tip.

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Pizza smells better when it's not your pizza.

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Butterfly knives are basically hardcore fidget spinners.

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The part of "Toy Story" that requires the greatest suspension of disbelief isn't the living toys. It's when Sid is able to win the claw machine on his first try, twice.

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Women of my generation never say I'm attractive, but my grandmother's friends are always saying what a handsome young man I am - leading me to believe I would have been good looking had I lived in the 1930s

Edit 1: Wow ended up making the front page! Thanks for all the upvotes and comments.

Edit 2: A lot of comments have asked for a photo of me - I considered it but figured the responses would probably be overwhelmingly negative (whether truthful or just trolling) :-)

Edit 3: Also a lot of positive comments and uplifting words! Thanks all!



When the cat watches me give a blowjob, he probably thinks that I'm helping my boyfriend groom.

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Sunday, May 21, 2017

Only when I'm sick do I realize how much I took advantage of being healthy.

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Rappers act all hard but all they're doing is reading you their poetry.

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Adam Sandler is the human equivalent of Jar Jar Binks.

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Whenever my parents ask if I want anything from the food store I forget every food that exists

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If you think your parents didn't have a favourite child, you were the favourite child

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I bet opera singers have beautiful sounding orgasms.

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Why is law to vaccinate our pets, yet we hide behind the 1st Amendment when it comes to vaccinating our children?

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I think the most unrealistic thing in The Walking Dead is the lack of roller blades. Forget walking, it's roller derby as soon as I see even one zombie. Gonna build my own kingdom of slightly more mobile ass-kickers. Stuntin on everybody

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Harrison Ford is one of the best pilots in the Star Wars universe. But he is a terrible pilot in ours.

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Why do sitcoms always miss the little details? If there's six people in the family and they all drink milk, don't act like that quart is gonna suffice. We know better.

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I always assume everyone from my past doesn't remember me, even though I always remember them.

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Are boobs measured in cups because they have milk in them.

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PornHub should make a sexual education series for adults.

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Tolkien had no Idea how important he would become to New Zealand's economy

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If I got told I was a good boy for eating and being myself, I too would be ecstatic.

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We have refrigerators that can surf the Internet, but we can't get potato chip makers to use Ziploc bags for their product.

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Captain Obvious seems like a lame hero until you realize how few people have common sense.

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Exercising is free, but we keep finding ways to make it more expensive.

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Going to bed without having to set an alarm is one of the most satisfying feelings ever.

Especially after a long day.



Birthday gifts are just rewards for not dying.

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Linguistically, the difference between getting 'chewed out' and 'eaten out' is subtle. Their actual meanings, however, are quite drastic.

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I am always so relieved when I open a thick instruction manual, and find I only have to read 1/4 of it, because it's printed in 4 languages.

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Bullets are the only thing that do their job after they've been fired.

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The division symbol, ÷, is just a blank fraction. You replace the dots with the numbers.

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I'm fine with repost, as long as I haven't seen it before.

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Any place that has an even number of urinals in the men's room has a bad understanding of male psychology.

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The most interesting part of watching my kid talk on a play phone isn't when he's talking to the imaginary person on the other end, it's when they sit and listen to what the other person is saying.

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Claiming to have been hacked is this century's version of "the dog ate my homework".

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Kids today have no idea how lucky they are to be able to look up song lyrics online. Be honest, you still don't know what Eddie Vedder is saying.



My school constantly encourages students to "reduce, reuse, recycle," yet there's not a single recycling bin in the entire building.

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If you have to fart in public, Bath and Body Works is the best place to do that.

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when i listen to a digital version of a song i used to have on CD, i still remember exactly where it used to skip and still sort of expect it to.

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Saturday, May 20, 2017

In a submarine battle you can be under fire, underwater, on fire, and taking on water all at the same time

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Children are like the alpha version of humans, full of potential but mostly useless. Teenagers are the beta release; more capable and finding their feet. Adults are like the final release; interesting at the start but then everyone gets bored of you and development stops

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Whenever I kill a boss in a videogame I'm hero, but the second I do it at work I'm a "bad man."

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I wonder if one day the phrase "Don't judge a book by its cover" will morph into "Don't judge a video by its thumbnail"

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I don't talk to 99 percent of my contacts on my phone

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When I hear "Anne Perkins" I think of Rob Lowe, not Rashida Jones.

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As an introvert dating an introvert, a lot of our relationship revolves around asking the other person if they're OK.

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When you say "forward" or "back" your mouth moves in that direction.

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Tetris has taught me something: If you try to fit in, you disappear, if you stand out, you screw everything up.

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I noticed that when you listen to music, you tend to focus more on the lyrics when you're sad, and the melody when you're happy.

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Instead of saying "Save Net Neutrality", say "Stop Internet Toll Roads" and people would probably understand the issue better.

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I listen to dead people sing to me all the time

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People born in '31 are 86 years old. People born in '86 are 31 years old.

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"I forgot to plug in my car" is going to become the new "I forgot to set my alarm"

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It must suck to appear useless when your job is to prevent something that never happens, but it only never happens because you're doing such a good job.

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If anti-aging products work so good, why do they hire different models every year?

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Steam should really have a "Games I can afford with my steam wallet money" section.

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The most unrealistic thing about Harry Potter is that they eventually use all the skills they learn at school

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Breasts are measured in cups because they have milk in it.

Edit: in THEM. Sorry folks.



If Snow White married Jon Snow she would be Snow Snow

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Each time snapchat releases more filters I become more convinced that someone at HQ has a furry fetish

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Monopoly would be more realistic if you had to start on a board already owned and fully developed by the winner of the previous game. And you have to pay to roll the dice.

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If someone passes me on the right, it's because they're an asshole. If I pass someone on the right, it's because they're an asshole.

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As a kid I always felt that Eeyore was a massive buzz kill. As an adult I identify with him on a spiritual level.

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All growing up, adults' advice was always "Life's too short, so don't waste all your free time on work". Then, when you take that advice and put it into practice and value your free time they sneer that "Kids these days don't want to put in any extra work"

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‪The human body with calories is like an RPG player with potions. "But what if I need it later?" it asks, storing fat.‬

And I just ran the cheeseburger dungeon for the hundredth time.



There are some people in my life I wish I had hugged a little longer.

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Friday, May 19, 2017

I immediately disregard any picture, link, or article marked as "Sponsored".

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If ghosts really stay and haunt the places where they die, the highway must be full of ghosts just standing around looking at traffic all angry and shit.

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If you're the only white person in an ethnic restaurant, it's probably good. If it is only white people in an ethnic restaurant it's probably overpriced.

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"Hellmann" is a pretty badass named wasted on something as mundane as mayonnaise.

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The sentence "Are you as bored as I am " can be said backwards and still make sense.

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As a kid I thought I'd watch the news when I got older, and now as an adult my life revolves around Archer, Rick and Morty, Futurama and Bobs Burgers episodes

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If my wife refuses sex, it's perfectly normal. But if I refuse sex I am a terrible person who doesn't find her attractive.

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The more symbols and numbers I'm asked to put in my password, the less secure it becomes, because I will have trouble remembering it

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Laughing is so weird. You just stare at the other person with your mouth wide open making ridiculous sounds and sometimes you can't stop.

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Despite fidget spinners' original purpose of counteracting distractions, their current popularity is probably resulting in a more distracted general public than before

How many videos and news segments are there on these spinning toys?



My anxiety immediately goes away at parties if a dog is there, because then I have someone to talk to

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If a bomb leftover from WW2 goes off and kills someone, does that make them a casualty of WW2?

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If my bed was as comfortable in the evening as it was in the morning, maybe I'd sleep 8 hours a night

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When people say "You'll never guess who i saw today",I instantly forget anyone i know or have ever heard of

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No matter how intimidating a person you may be, you become the least intimidating if you have hiccups.

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Saying "please" is meant to be polite but when I type it in an email it sounds slightly aggressive

E.g. can you please take a look at this?



"I work for one of the richest companies in the world" sounds a lot better than "I work at a supermarket"

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Millenials get blamed for a lot of societies problems but last I checked not a single millenial was serving in congress.

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If the Queen reaches 100 years old, is she going to write herself a congratulations letter?

I bet she'd do it ironically



The X-wing is the AK-47 of Star Wars. Reliable, iconic, and used by rebel groups.

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I've never seen a doomsday prepper that I would trust in the event of a societal collapse

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People in 2017: "Did you know that the mammoths still lived at the time of the Pyramids?" People in 2117: "Did you know that Queen Elizabeth still lived at the time of Dank Memes?"

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"Millennialist have it too easy" says a generation that could afford a house from unskilled labor at 21

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Because I lived close to the year 2000 for most of my life, a part of me will always believe that 1950 was 50 years ago.

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When my wife asks where I want to eat, she actually wants me to guess correctly where she wants to eat.

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Musician deaths hit their fans particularly hard not because we know them but because they help us know ourselves.

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If you drive a VW Beetle then you have inadverntatinly gotten a lot of people punched.

Edit: Inadvertently



Thursday, May 18, 2017

An Uber rating of 4.97 is more impressive than an Uber rating of 5.0

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Kids these days who take Flintstones vitamins probably have no clue who the Flintstones are.

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Self-checkout lanes have probably increased safe sex practices since there's no fear of an awkward interaction with the cashier.

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Here's something I don't miss: CDs that hide a bonus song after 10 minutes of silence

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When I see a skeleton I always assume it was a male

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We live in a age where we have to prove to machines that we are not machines.

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I listen to music so often that sometimes I measure how long it takes me to do something based on the amount of songs I listened to doing it.

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I'm just fine swallowing my spit, but spitting into a cup then drinking it sounds disgusting.

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It's normal to write using a black or blue pen, however it's strange to type in blue.

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I didnt feel old until i realized i am older than most professional athletes

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What if fossilization is a myth and animals just used to be made of rock?

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I sometimes ask people if they can read my mind in my mind, just in case they can and they turn their head towards me.

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Sometimes when I kill a small bug, I wonder if I just anticlimactically ended a heroic quest he was on

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Autocorrect is more like autoassume, cause it isnt always correct.

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One of the biggest tragedies of mankind through out all of history is all of the female geniuses who were never allowed to reach their potential and contribute their gifts to the world. Think of all the female "Mozarts" or "Einsteins" who could have been, but never were.

Edit: To clarify my post, the tragedy I speak of is the one of loss both men and women deal with because women were not allowed to contribute to society using their minds over the centuries. Just think about what might have come of the world had women been considered equal and allowed to learn and work as men were expected too.



As a 19 year old, I wish I could ask my kindergarten self what I should be when I grow up. He would have all kinds of answers.

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I'm standing here scratching my nuts while a 12 year old elsewhere is learning quantum physics.

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Dragons would be impressed that we can create water with our mouths.

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How many episodes of "Dora the Explorer" do you have to sit through before you can add Spanish as a skill on LinkedIn?

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I will share a joint with you, but i will not share a straw or spoon.

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I only realize stupid/cringey things about the songs I like when I play them for my friends/family

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The noise that they chose for the credit card chip readers was one of the worst choices ever made, it makes you think you're card has been rejected.

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Calling a dolphin "Flipper" is like naming your dog "Leg".

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A life time supply of poison isn't a lot.

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I'd be more embarrassed if someone found my calculator history than I would be if they found my porn search history.

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When I have headphones in, and my dog comes up to me, I politely take out an earbud as if he is going to speak to me.

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If we started over-paying our teachers and under-paying musicians there might be better education and less shitty music

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I wonder if I've already eaten the best sandwich I'll ever eat.

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Harry Potter came out before Google

The first Harry Potter book came out in 1997, google came out in 1998, and I am ancient.



Wednesday, May 17, 2017

My neighbor is an old farmer guy and he complimented all the hard work I've been doing on my garden. It feels like I got the rural equivalent of street cred. I got field cred.

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If you find a penny on the sidewalk and pick it up in less than 4 seconds, you've made more than minimum wage.

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I think you're officially an adult when you watch Batman with your kids and fantasize more about Bruce Wayne's life than being Batman.

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When people die, most of them will have a negative kill/death ratio

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I would literally pay an extra $20 for a concert ticket if they would give everyone at the show a video copy of the concert and just ban people from recording with their cell phones.

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Who picks up a guide dog's poo?

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The early bird gets the worm... what about the worm? He was up early and got eaten alive...

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They should make a mute button for the TV screen so you can listen to the audio of your shows when you sleep without the added light.

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I hate the month of May because it's the month you realize it's not seasonal depression.

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Your handwriting is like your written accent.

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Maybe grandparents pretend to be bad with technology so that they have an excuse to spend time with us

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When someone is telling me a story they already told me, I let them tell it again to see if it changes at all.

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The worst part about realizing how lonely you are is when you realize you have no one to tell how lonely you are.

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When I watch porn I'm just horny and want to jerk it and move along; why there are so many 30+ minute pornos is completely beyond me

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What if you kept a chainsaw in your bedroom instead of a gun? Imagine the fear that would enter an intruders mind hearing that?

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I wonder if a person who loses their eyesight as a child imagines everything as being much larger than they actually are as an adult.

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The only annoying thing about accidentally biting your lip isn't the initial pain, but that annoying little sore that fucks you up for the next three weeks

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Meditate to kill your time. Premeditate to time your kill.

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"Hand me my phone, I need a flashlight," would have sounded like complete and utter nonsense in the not too distant past.

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I bet there's a man who went out for cigarettes, died, and was never found, and now his family thinks he abandoned them

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It's fine to show people your positive pregnancy test, but show them anything else you've peed on and that's disgusting.

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I find it very depressing that the last time you go out to play with your friends as a child, you dont relaise it is indeed the last time.

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I'm disappointed in our ancestors for never domesticating bats.

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The worst part about growing up is learning about how fucked up the world is

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Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Slow internet makes me a lot angrier than no internet.

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Making fun of a fat person at the gym is like making fun of an addict in rehab

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I spend more time nervously monitoring my speedometer in school zones than I do watching for children.

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The most defeating sound in the world is the sound of singing birds after a sleepless night when you have to get up early the next day.

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When Jim Morrison died, the mortition who performed his autopsy was literally opening up one of the Doors.

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People I know have stopped watching The Walking Dead at different seasons. It's like the show is killing off it's audience and I'm the last survivor

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If you cut a hole into a net, there are fewer holes in it than before.

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I know I'm still young because when a coworker told me she was pregnant my initial reaction was panic for her before I remembered I was supposed to say congratulations.

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When I use the toilet at night I get nervous about using the flush in fear of waking somebody up. Yet I have never knowingly woken up to a toilet flushing.

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We could probably solve the issue of bullying in schools by reclassifying Bullies as Special Needs Kids and putting them on the short bus to the Special School.

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In about 6 months there will be no underage 90's kids

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Since there is no spelling for a fart sound, be should all agree to use the symbol :! because it's a Colon Exclamation.

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Been cooking in restaurants full time for 6 years... I wonder if I've ever cooked someone their last meal...

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Whenever I'm at the store and someone is blocking the item I need to grab with their shopping cart. I pretend to be searching for something else until they leave.

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The more suicidal people there are , the less suicidal people there are.

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If net neutrality was about cars instead of data, and losing it meant drivers would be forced to slow down to 15mph on 60mph highways because they chose to drive the "wrong" make of car or listen to the "wrong" radio station, it would be saved in a heartbeat.

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Askreddit feels like google with live people on the other end trying to answer you and fuck with you simultaneously.

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Colored pencils are just high-resolution version of crayons.

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Without thinking, I spend several hundred dollars on textbooks every semester, but I consider extra guacamole to be unreasonable in price.

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Its crazy how so many people used to smoke cigarettes that they installed cigarette lighters in everyone's car.

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The generation that warned children about video games is the same generation that falls for Pay-2-Win games.

If you want proof take a metro ride in any city and look at what people are doing on their phones.



Paleontology is not nearly as common of a career as I was led to believe as a child

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When i was a child, each day of the week felt like a clearly defined instance in my life. Now i'm an adult, the week seems to have blended in to 2 instances (the weekdays & weekend).

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I wonder if older dogs watch puppies and reminisce about their own younger days.

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You only need your left hand to type Brazzers on a keyboard.

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Monday, May 15, 2017

Why not have a 5¢ deposit on plastic bottles like they had with glass way back when, it would at least help clean the planet a little...

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Why aren't femenists more vocal about the lack of front pockets in women's jeans?

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It gets harder to make friends the older you get because it gets easier to learn to be alone

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I wonder how many times the world has actually been saved.

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Microwaves that don't stop beeping after you open them make me more angry than they should.

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It'd be super useful if Siri responded to me in the tone I ask her. If I whisper, she whispers. If I yell, she yells.

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There's probably a pair of twins out there that were switched during a bath or something in their infancy and have spent the rest of their lives with their identities switched.

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Some old ladies are walking around with the memory of fucking all four Beatles in one night

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I wonder how many times in my life I've been in life threatening danger without even realizing it

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The popcorn companies and the microwave companies should sit down and figure out this fucking popcorn button issue

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Scotch aged 12 years sounds a lot better than Scotch from 2005.

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You can't change the volume of the "voice" in your head.

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The Zodiac Killer had a symbol, a costume with the symbol on the chest, sent taunting letters to the police with codes, and committed crimes with a theme. The Zodiac Killer was actively trying to be a comic book super villain.

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Nothing sucks more than realising you were wrong in the middle of an argument.

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2017 has come full circle to ancient Egypt: constantly "making" images of ourselves, weird eyeliner, obsessed with cats, and uses hieroglyphics to communicate.

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As a kid I used to walk around and have adventures with my friends, but after we got our licenses we stopped having adventures and life got boring.

Now that I ride a bicycle with an engine on it and managed to convert a few friends, We have adventures again!



The more technology advances, the less confident I feel about getting it to work by hitting it.

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My mother has never once suffered a back injury, and I can with utmost certainty attribute that to my sidewalk crack vigilance.

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My blood donation may become someone's erection.

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As an adult, I just realized I can go to the zoo whenever I want.

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If an only child marries another only child, they will never become an aunt and uncle

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Sunday, May 14, 2017

People who work in the food industry put food on the table to put food on the table.

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When I was younger I feared being excluded from social events. Now I do everything in my power to get out of them.

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Traffic lights are robots that we've obeyed for 100 years.

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The first 18 years of your life is Free to Play but afterwards it becomes Pay to Play

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Bottles of soap say "dermatologist tested" but don't tell you what the results were. Maybe the dermatologist ran away screaming.

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Blue is considered a "cold" color, but it's the hotter part of the flame...

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My dog has operantly conditioned me to give water when she moves her bowl, food when she goes toward it and barks, and let her out on cue. She even uses her head to indicate toward the door. I'm starting to think i am the one that is trained.

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I can watch unlimited free porn on the internet all day but I have to pay $15 a month if I want to read one study paper

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When I was a kid I used to complain that "Parent's just don't understand" As a parent, I realize I was absolutely correct.

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If I exercised every time I had the urge to jack off I'd be ripped.

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There is so much irony in my super religious family praying for me to do well on my human evolution final

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I'll never be as lazy as the guy who named the fireplace.

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I wonder how many puppies and kittens on r/aww titled "I just got a new pet! Meet xxx" ended up with the owner returning or abandoning them.

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Most of us aren't actually smart. We're just good at memorizing what smart people have said

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I spend more time fantasising about running away as an adult, than I ever did as a child.

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Cocktail waitress is a nicer name than dickbutt waitress.

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If organized crime started printing high quality counterfeit college textbooks and then sold them at cut rate prices, it would be a really good public relations move.

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When you drink water, instead of a human going down a water slide, the water goes down a human slide.

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If you claim that this current generation consists of shitty kids, then you'll have to admit that your generation consists of shitty parents.

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I hate a person who does something stupid when driving but when they put their hand up to apologize i immediately feel that it is just a good person in an unfortunate situation

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I wonder how many times I've walked by a person who actually found me attractive.

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Saturday, May 13, 2017

25 years from now, you're going to have to go to a wedding for a couple of kids named Kylo and Khaleesi.

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Finding a mistake on a published book feels like I won the lottery.

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When a police officer goes past you, you feel more paranoid rather than protected.

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Being older than Google will one day become the new "really old" metric, comparable to sliced bread and colored television.

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Having twins as a first time parent is like starting a game on hard mode when playing it for the first time.

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Earth is like that guy who knows exactly where to stand next to a bonfire

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All waiting rooms should have complimentary phone chargers

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I never notice how much i use a part of my body until i have a cut on it

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Yawning is like the body's "20% battery remaining" warning.

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We have space travel and self driving cars, but all I want is Google Translate for dogs so I can talk to them about my day.

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Whoever first thought of having a double jump in a game was probably told it's a stupid idea.

I mean, it seams like a the sort of thing that makes no sense, but feels amazing to play with.



The cheese seems more fattening when it melts and healthier when it's cold.

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Before cellphones were invented, people hardly said 'where are you'

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37 is not old. Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, Robert Downey Jr. are all around 53 and I don't consider them as old.

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Good people don't get anything before they die, but murderers get the meal of their dreams.

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We Should Be Able To Trade In All The Unwanted Boners We Get Throughout Middle/High School So When We Turn Old We Don't Have Erectile Dysfunction.

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As kids wo got taught not to accept candy from strangers, now we teach our parents not to click on links from strangers

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Every time I have handed someone tongs, they've always "tested" them by clacking them together a few times.

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If Fus-Roh-Dah was real and you Fus-Roh-Dah'd someone off a cliff, would it count as freedom of speech and be protected by the First Amendment?

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I have never heard snoring that sounded like the letter Z.

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The top 5 richest businessmen should play a game of Monoply for everybody to watch

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Lollygagging sounds more like a niche fetish rather than slacking off

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A business being "founded in 1836" sounds a lot better than "founded in an era of child labor, poor health regulations, disregard for worker safety and rights."

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We should be thankful that Elon Musk isn't a supervillain or we would all be really screwed.

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I don't like to go running in public because I'm paranoid everybody driving by can tell I never exercise, but when I drive past a jogger I assume they exercise all the time.

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Friday, May 12, 2017

If the Earth was really flat cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

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Pregnancy test commercials always advertise people happy the result says pregnant. I bet a lot more people are happy when it says not pregnant.

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When I was in school I feared being alone during lunch time. As an adult, I don't want to talk to or see anyone during my lunch break.

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I feel like a sexual predator every time I cut through the bra/bikini aisles at a department store.

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The first wipe is to analyze the situation.

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The Wizard of Oz may not have been a very good wizard, but he was able to make a fully functional 3D hologram with early 1900's technology.

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I wish there was an app for tracking ice cream trucks

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Serious movies should stop taking sponsorship from Microsoft because it gets very unrealistic when everyone is using Windows phone and bing.

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As someone who has been out of school for years I still find great satisfaction in occasionally remembering that I never have to go to school again.

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