Monday, July 31, 2017
Fool me once, shame on you; Fool me twice, still shame on you because one time is not enough for a pattern to be detected and losing all trust after one bad experience is not practical; Fool me three time and yeah, I probably should have seen that coming.
Everyone says you need to live your life for yourself, that you can't live for another person. But when someone is suicidal they're told to think of all the people that would miss them. It's essentially being told to live for someone else.
I wonder what PETA would do if their HQ got infested with rats.
"BING" could stand for "Because It's Not Google"
Sunday, July 30, 2017
"Cool" is the one hip term that never went out of style
Humans are the naked mole rats of the primate family.
Saturday, July 29, 2017
Are the "Made in China" stickers made in china?
When people speak to me, I will most likely respond with "what?" just to give me more time to process my answer even though I heard what they said.
Myself* instead of "me". Early morning grammar 👍
Classical orchestras are just really big cover bands.
Now that I'm pushing 50, I've finally realized that the point at which popular music was most innovative, meaningful, and really, really great, was when someone was in their late teens to early 20's, no matter how old that person is
... though my 11-year-old daughter does think the 'London Calling' album by the Clash is pretty good.
I wonder how many miles I've scrolled on my phone
Friday, July 28, 2017
There are more than 7 billion different versions of today.
You can punish a child once or twice, and he'll learn to stop doing whatever got him punished. Dogs might need to be punished 3 or 4 times to learn. I can throw my cat out of the room every night until it dies and she still wont figure out why.
If 666 is evil, then 25.8069758 is the root of all evil
Maybe if I fall in love with my anxiety, it will leave me too.
Technically condom companies kill their future customers
People who eat ass are bottoms feeders.
"Not clickbait" is a paradox.
Microwaves should have a "soften butter" setting
Thursday, July 27, 2017
We will never know the worlds best kept secret.
Edit i think i succesfully redited
What would happen if we put a werewolf astronaut on the moon?
On average, human beings have one testicle.
Spotify needs to add a feature where I can indicate "never play anything from this artist ever"
So that I can ban Justin Bieber
A spoon is just a bowl on a stick
Wednesday, July 26, 2017
If you can turn milk into cheese, then you could also turn chocolate milk into chocolate cheese.
edit: I get it, some people think it's a terrible idea
?! Makes a sound in my head, but I can't describe it
Stopping by my mom's house to fix her internet is how I imagine skilled labor worked in the old west. We catch up on town gossip for a while, I'm brought refreshments while I curse and toil, and I leave with a big bag of fresh vegetables and a few dollars in my pocket despite all protests.
Upon expiry, Crunchy food goes soft, and soft food goes crunchy
If Google Home/Alexa etc. only worked if you said, 'please,' at the end of your request, it would encourage manners to remain important going forwards.
I say 'please' and 'thank you' to her anyway, like. I feel rude otherwise, and also, feel it's a bad lesson to my kids if they constantly see me barking demands at the poor lady in the box.
Humans are a super AI invented by mother nature and now we are slowly destroying our creator, the exact thing we are afraid of happening with computer AI today.
With all this Musk vs Zuck "caution on AI" controversy and debate going on... Human beings are destroying mother nature; mother nature created us, gave us a consciousness and made us intelligent. With this logic aren't we a super-AI mistake created by mother earth that is slowly taking over the world (mother nature).
As a millennial, the thought of owning a decent house with a nice yard is basically a fairytale at this point.
Yes there are always exceptions. For me at least I can't see myself attempting to pay off a house in half a lifetime.
Firefly is the opposite of Waterfall
In the future kids won't know why a camera makes a certain sound when taking a picture
I don't even think that most kids these days know the origin.
Tuesday, July 25, 2017
No elevator I have ever ridden in has had elevator music.
If you live past 112 , you get to be teenager again.
Whoever coined the term "coined the term", coined the term.
Monday, July 24, 2017
Nike could learn a thing or two from Build a Bear. Simply by shipping the materials directly to the stores and having kids assemble their own shoes, they could save a fortune by using FREE child labor and have none of the bad publicity.
Amazon could really use a "filter out Chinese sellers" option
Never judge a Book by its Movie.
Noah would've made an amazing Pokémon trainer, because not only did he catch them all, but he caught two of each.
Plus he didn't even have Pokéballs, he went old school and used big boat.
"Widowmaker" sounds a lot better than "Husbandkiller".
To start a movie I press play, to play a game I press start.
Oddly enough
Amy Winehouse is 6 years sober today.
"Maybe if you go to bed you'll feel better in the morning" is literally just the human version of "Have you tried turning it off and on again?"
i remember seeing this quote somewhere and thought you guys might like it
Home is where the water tastes normal
Sunday, July 23, 2017
Getting a fever is just your body saying "Kill it with fire"
If you've said "fuck" more than once your life becomes rated R.
If our shadows are 2D we could be shadows of 4D people
A "ton of cows" is like 1.5 cows
If fish had eyebrows I probably wouldn't fish.
Saturday, July 22, 2017
"Be yourself" is only good advice if you're not an asshole.
No one cares about your depression until you're dead.
A human burns about 1,000 calories running 10 miles, meaning you only have to eat a Chipotle burrito to fuel the trip. Humans have pretty great gas mileage if you ask me.
200lb human, 10min pace, 10 miles, is about 908 calories.
Average Chipotle burrito is about 1,000 calories.
10 miles is a good bit of distance for a human to cover in a little over an hour and a half.
EDIT: MATH!
Everyone probably thought the first deaf guy was an asshole
Friday, July 21, 2017
Every single major news channel: "it's pathetic, OJ Simpson will be made more famous because of this. We can't understand why society works like this." Proceeds to only talk about him for 3 straight days. Hm, wonder what the problem is....
Let's just go back to talking about Russia nonstop everyday.
I sometimes forget we live in the future. Imagine showing your phone to someone 200 years ago, telling them that this device can connect you to anyone in the world, that it contains more information than any library, and it all fits inside your pocket.
And you can send nudes
Is hipster peer pressure "Come on man, no one else is doing it"?
A clock records its own time of death.
A beanbag chair is just a boneless couch
My least favourite part of any DJ Khaled song is DJ Khaled
How the hell does randomly yelling "DJ KHALED" in the middle of a song contribute at all?
Ford needs to pick up OJ from prison in the new 2018 Bronco.
You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits.
Thursday, July 20, 2017
The world doesn't have a water problem, it has a salt problem.
I'd recognize Morgan Freeman's voice before my own.
A piñata that doesn't break is broken
I never realize how good it is to feel well until I get sick.
A vanilla soy latte is a type of 3-bean soup.
Wednesday, July 19, 2017
I believe I've done my children a favor by not having them.
Non smokers should be allowed to have "breathing breaks" at work
We have this perception of Boys being smelly and dirty and Girls being more clean and fresh; but coming from someone who has made a living cleaning bathrooms, women are way worse.
The difference is vast... You think guys can't aim or pee on the seat? I can't explain some of things I've seen in ladies rooms.
Do I HAVE a body or AM I a body?
Humans are the only species that pay to live on Earth.
Tuesday, July 18, 2017
There probably is a guy in Hell named Chance
Jump scares in horror movies are like fart jokes in comedy movies.
It's really cheap and stupid, but it gets you every time.
People stopped getting milk delivered to their house because it became more convenient to go to the store. Now as people start getting groceries online because its more convenient than going to the store, are milkmen going to make a comeback?
Monday, July 17, 2017
Chuck E. Cheese is really just a casino for children.
I still treat 1970 as if it were 30 years ago, not 47.
All modern cars should have built in dash-cams by default
Sunday, July 16, 2017
Disney World is a people trap operated by a mouse.
I wonder if i have bought milk from the same cow twice
Home is where the water doesn't taste weird.
No one has ever been in an empty room.
Smart phones should have a "guest mode" setting so you don't have to worry about friends seeing your browser history, photos, or incoming texts when they use your phone for something.
It could be turned on easily then require your passcode to be turned back off.
While Amazon is growing, the Amazon is shrinking
You know you've made it in life when you forget it's payday
Drones are just kites for millennials
Saturday, July 15, 2017
Half of Blink 182 would be Wink 91
The fact Elon Musk hasn't released a cologne makes me doubt he's as smart as we all think he is.
Gotta capitalize on that name.
Dog toys in the Toy Story universe really have awful lives.
Good porn is hard to finish because it's easy to finish.
It’s weird how “Fact-checking” and “News” are treated like two separate concepts nowadays.
It’s weird how “Fact-checking” and “News” are treated like two separate concepts nowadays.
Abandoned Shopping Malls would make great homeless shelters.
Fireflies must have other bugs always running into their butts.
It's ironic that my gym clothes are also my "lazy clothes"
As self driving cars become the norm, the term "self driving" will flip to describe someone still driving themself manualy.
Edit: Manually
Edit 2: Themselves
Using a Mac is like taking a luxury cruise but you can never get off the boat. Windows is like a pirate ship that you can take wherever your heart desires, but be prepared to weather a storm or fight off other pirates.
I for one choose the life of adventure.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Naming babies makes you think of all the people you've disliked
Taxes are essentially a subscription to a country.
I've never actually been in an elevator playing elevator music.
Friday, July 14, 2017
If my data is used to stream an ad I should get paid for it.
Maybe nudists are just tired of doing the laundry
My car keys have travelled further than my car has.
Being born increases your risk of dying to 100%
Humans require years of training to not shit themselves.
Newfoundland is the geographical equivalent of "untitled folder"
At least there's no "Newfoundland 2"
A nuclear reactor is just a really fancy way to boil water.
Thursday, July 13, 2017
Do gay people with dwarfism say they came out of the cabinet?
Saying 1-3 is the same as saying 1,2,3
If you have 2 choices, and you take 1 away, you have 0 choices
Net neutrality can't be fought without net neutrality.
The Simpsons is so old I now relate more to Homer than Bart.
Took me by surprise, haven't watched it in a few years.
Edit: can't spell.
Wednesday, July 12, 2017
A poodle is literally a wolf in sheep's clothing.
Shouldn't the husband/wife who cheated be the "homewrecker," not the boyfriend/girlfriend that they cheated with?
Edit: I've seen this pop up in here a bit so I wanted to mention it. The point of this thought isn't whether the person on the side (ie. "Assistant to the Cheater" or "ATTC" for short) is at fault or is/isn't an asshole for sleeping with the spouse (The Cheater). It's about who broke a vow. The ATTC may have know of The Cheaters preexisting relationship, or they may not have. Are they a douche for sleeping with a married person? Probably. Is some of the fault on them? Arguably, yes. But the ATTC isn't the one who broke a vow. They aren't the one who wrecked a home and shattered the trust of the marriage.