People who are organ donors should receive preference to organs if needed. Than there wouldn't be much of a waiting list as everyone would want to donate.

No text found

The teacher first tells you the importance of a 7+ hour sleep. Then he gives you assignments that keep you up for the next seven nights.

No text found

The phrase "Taking the Browns to the Super Bowl" should indicate you're constipated...since it's probably not going to happen.

No text found

Alcohol is the best painkiller because you can take it with alcohol

No text found

People die in sports related accidents but we don't even consider shutting those sports down for good, but let one manned space vehicle explode and suddenly the public views space exploration as too risky.

No text found

Fool me once, shame on you; Fool me twice, still shame on you because one time is not enough for a pattern to be detected and losing all trust after one bad experience is not practical; Fool me three time and yeah, I probably should have seen that coming.

No text found

I don't comment on posts with many comments even if I have some thoughts, as no one is going read it anyway.

No text found

Let's take a moment to appreciate the fact that our teeth don't itch

No text found

Restroom air dryers are a great way to warm your hands before wiping them on your jeans

No text found

The worst feeling is when you really lack sleep and try to take a nap, and in the end wasted 1 hour trying to sleep

No text found

I can grow an entire human being inside of my body, but I can't regrow any significant parts of my own.

No text found

Everyone says you need to live your life for yourself, that you can't live for another person. But when someone is suicidal they're told to think of all the people that would miss them. It's essentially being told to live for someone else.

No text found

I wonder what PETA would do if their HQ got infested with rats.

No text found

After finishing school with a degree in a computer related field, everyone I know and many that I don't have asked me to do free work on their computers. Now I wish I had gone to school for gynecology instead.

No text found

"BING" could stand for "Because It's Not Google"

No text found

Police should have different colored lights to let you know if you're being pulled over or to move out of the way.

No text found

I only ever notice somebody's username when somebody replies "username checks out"

No text found

There should be a website where you can donate the remainder of your giftcards instead of millions of people throwing away giftcards with small amounts of change leftover.

No text found

If I say "fast food ice machines are as clean as fast food restaurant toilets" people panic; but if I say "fast food restaurant toilets are as clean as fast food ice machines" people applaud restroom cleanliness.

No text found

You will be exactly half as old as your mother only once in your life, and that is when you are the same age she was when she gave birth to you.

No text found

Escaping North Korea and finding out the rest of the world regards your leader as a joke is like growing up and realizing your big brother isn't that good at Smash Bros.

No text found

Google image search should have a "No stock images with giant watermarks" option

No text found

If someone was to offer around 17 years of free rent and food, I'd be willing to do almost anything, yet when my parents ask me to do the dishes I get mad.

No text found

The first guy to hear a parrot talk was probably not okay for days.

No text found

I've watched dozens of horror films but I still shit myself when the toast pops out of the toaster.

No text found

When the sun casts your shadow, that light traveled 93 million miles and you're the first solid thing to get in its way.

No text found

I always sit facing the door, from years of reading stories about heroes and dangerous men, trained by experts to always be on their guard. But who's going to jump a middle-aged dad at a suburban Starbucks ?

No text found

When someone accidentally spits on me while speaking I pretend it didn't happen because I know how awful it feels to accidentally spit on someone when speaking excitedly.

No text found

People are going to care a lot more about net neutrality once their ISP starts asking them to subscribe to an adult content package.

No text found

"Cool" is the one hip term that never went out of style

No text found

If analog clocks become obsolete in the future, people will need some other way to understand the difference between "clockwise" and "counterclockwise".

No text found

As self-driving cars become a reality, people will die in their cars and instead of causing an accident they will just show up to their destination dead.

No text found

Every time a professional comedian makes someone laugh in an everyday conversation, it's kinda like they're working for free.

No text found

I hate to spend $6.50 on six pieces of raw chicken, but dont hesitate to spend $5 on one chicken sandwich.

No text found

The evening news is where they start by saying “good evening,” and proceed by telling you why it’s not

No text found

Adam and Eve were the first people to not read the T&Cs of an Apple product.

No text found

Life hasn't changed since I was 5. I am still chasing gold stars for good writing.

No text found

I often put stuff on my to-do list after I have already done it, just so I can check something off.

No text found

There should be an option "I am binge watching, do not show me what happened last episode"

No text found

We can't beat computers at Chess, but we probably enjoy playing chess a lot more than computers ever will.

No text found

I swear birds have an ongoing bet to see how close they can get to the front of my car without being hit.

No text found

A baby born at 11pm in cali and another baby born at 2am in new york have different birthdays even though they were both born simultaneously

No text found

When I was young, I thought a lot more neighbors would ask me to borrow a cup of sugar as an adult.

No text found

Parents believe most things they see in TV but nothing I tell them I found out from the internet.

No text found

Snapchat filters should be automatically disabled when people visit WWII concentration camps

No text found

Humans are the naked mole rats of the primate family.

No text found

Pockets should now be lined with microfiber cloth, so that your phone self cleans in your pocket

No text found

No matter how hard I try I can't help but see the D in the Disney logo as some weird backwards styled G

No text found

The only time I see anti-piracy warnings is when I'm watching a movie I own.

No text found

Uber and Lyft should have a "do not disturb" option so your driver knows you don't want to chit chat for the entire ride....

No text found

"Am I as bored as you are?" can be read backwards and still make sense

No text found

Parents are the opposite of fake friends. They will talk shit about you to your face, but have your back when you aren't there.

No text found

Are the "Made in China" stickers made in china?

No text found

The worst part about realizing how lonely you are is when you realize you have no one to tell how lonely you are.

No text found

The shape of Milkbones is really more for us than it is for dogs.

No text found

When people speak to me, I will most likely respond with "what?" just to give me more time to process my answer even though I heard what they said.

Myself* instead of "me". Early morning grammar 👍

They should put little lights on cars so you can show other drivers which direction you'd like to go

No text found

If I continuously offer people a penny for their thoughts and they give me their two cents I could make a fortune.

No text found

Falling asleep as a passenger on a road trip is almost the equivalent of fast traveling in video games

No text found

The egg came first. Because dinosaurs laid eggs and dinosaurs came before chickens

No text found

Classical orchestras are just really big cover bands.

No text found

Now that I'm pushing 50, I've finally realized that the point at which popular music was most innovative, meaningful, and really, really great, was when someone was in their late teens to early 20's, no matter how old that person is

... though my 11-year-old daughter does think the 'London Calling' album by the Clash is pretty good.

Fifty Cent and Nickelback should go on tour and call the show, A Concert for Change.

No text found

Humans are basically aliens to fish. We abduct them while fishing and some live to tell the tell while others go missing.

*tale

There should be an option to turn off the annoying fake laughs and claps on tv shows.

No text found

You should have to enter your passcode to turn off your iPhone. That way if someone steals it they can't turn it off to prevent you from tracking it through Find My iPhone.

No text found

Every time I read "Scaramucci" my brain reads it as "Scaramouche" and then proceeds to also say "Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango?"

No text found

Since the B in LGBT stands for "bisexual", doesn't that imply that there are only two genders?

No text found

If iCarly was a real webshow, the 4chan raids would be unimaginable.

No text found

Before we had an understanding of medicine, allergies must have been really weird. "Oh yeah, we farm almonds but sometimes people die from eating them so it's pretty sketchy"

No text found

Hair is often considered beautiful when it is attached to someone's head, but gross when it's not.

No text found

"You look tired" is the socially acceptable way of saying "you look like shit."

No text found

I wonder how many miles I've scrolled on my phone

No text found

I look up recipes to see how to make them, not to read a blog about your wonderful adventure in Spain with a tiny little blurb on sangria at the end

No text found

If you see Gordon Ramsay out at a restaurant, the food is either really amazing, or really terrible

No text found

The two sides of a sponge are essentially "good cop" and "bad cop" for cleaning.

No text found

There are more than 7 billion different versions of today.

No text found

The "Do you want to remember this password?" window REALLY needs to have a "If this is the right password, then yes" button.

No text found

After re-listening to Linkin Park over the past few days I came to the realization that they don't have a single happy song.

No text found

You can punish a child once or twice, and he'll learn to stop doing whatever got him punished. Dogs might need to be punished 3 or 4 times to learn. I can throw my cat out of the room every night until it dies and she still wont figure out why.

No text found

If 666 is evil, then 25.8069758 is the root of all evil

No text found

When I meet a friend's siblings for the first time, they always just look like weird, mutated versions of my friend to me.

No text found

I see "NSFW" as "tilt the phone away from my wife's eyesight" mostly.

No text found

Since Dora uses a map, she isn't an explorer. It's Dora the navigator.

No text found

The idiom, "I shit you not" must be terribly confusing to a new English speaker

No text found

Maybe if I fall in love with my anxiety, it will leave me too.

No text found

CPR is the biological equivalent of smacking something to get it to work again.

No text found

How can someone pick a peck of pickled peppers? You don't pickle them until after they're picked. Peter Piper's a bullshitter.

No text found

Technically condom companies kill their future customers

No text found

Dogs are like having children on easy mode. They will eat literally anything, shit outside, and won't ever go to college. And they think you're the greatest thing in the world just because you are there

No text found

We barely think twice about eating a piece of birthday cake after someone has leaned over and blown all over it. But if someone did that to our dinner we'd be horrified and refuse to eat it.

No text found

People who eat ass are bottoms feeders.

No text found

Toothpaste never runs out. Your will to squeeze it out of the tube does.

No text found

The most unrealisitic thing about sitcoms is how naturally funny people are

No text found

I'm more cautious with my video game currency than my real money.

No text found

"Not clickbait" is a paradox.

No text found

Microwaves should have a "soften butter" setting

No text found

Calling our moon "the moon" is lame. Its like calling Earth, Planet....

No text found

My uncensored thoughts are offensive to everybody, myself included.

No text found

Dropping out of school is basically the "Are you sure you want to quit? Any unsaved progress will be lost" popup.

No text found

When I was 20 and lonely, I was envious of my friends who had girlfriends. Now I'm 40 and married and I'm envious of all the time my single friends have to themselves.

No text found

If actual magic existed it would be categorized as just another field of science.

No text found

If everyone laughs at the end of a "prank," then it's actually a prank, if not, you're a cunt.

No text found

We will never know the worlds best kept secret.

Edit i think i succesfully redited

Bathrooms should have a low light option for going in the middle of the night

No text found

Elevators should have a 'Cancel' button for when you hit the wrong floor.

No text found

Spider-Man is a super hero who makes a living by taking selfies before it was cool

No text found

A sheep spends its whole life fearing the wolves, only to be eaten by the Shepherd in the end

No text found

What would happen if we put a werewolf astronaut on the moon?

No text found

Humanity used to read things on scrolls, now we scroll to read things.

No text found

On average, human beings have one testicle.

No text found

After doing group projects in school I get why batman works alone

No text found

Somewhere in the middle of the lake is a bunch of good skipping rocks.

No text found

You never realize how dirty a song is until you listen to it with a kid

No text found

Spotify needs to add a feature where I can indicate "never play anything from this artist ever"

So that I can ban Justin Bieber

Every family has their own "smell" and I've always wondered what mine is

No text found

A spoon is just a bowl on a stick

No text found

I know I'm getting older because one giant roll of the mouse wheel doesn't get me far enough down a drop-down list to get to my birth year.

No text found

A chain may only be as strong as its weakest link, but a rope is made stronger by even the weakest thread.

No text found

My kids will probably take AP US history exams with memes on them instead of political cartoons

No text found

The rock band "The Police" have songs about a prostitute, an affair between a student & a teacher, a man stalking his former lover & a man lost at sea....all cases that could probably be investigated by...the police.

No text found

They should have elevator music in washrooms. Saves the awkwardness of taking a shit next to someone without saying anything

No text found

The fact that Kansas and Arkansas are pronounced differently bothers me way more than it should.

No text found

Nobody cleans a room faster than a single guy knowing a girl is coming over later.

No text found

I close a browser tab and then open a new one instead of just using the old one for a new link. It just feels like the right thing to do.

No text found

Rappers pretend they have more money than the really do. Country Singers pretend that they have less money than they really do.

No text found

It blows my mind that there's people too lazy to rerack weights at the gym. The entire premise of going to the gym is not being lazy.

No text found

If you can turn milk into cheese, then you could also turn chocolate milk into chocolate cheese.

edit: I get it, some people think it's a terrible idea

I was raised to believe that my very natural sexual urges were weird and reprehensible and that is stupid.

No text found

Police Officers probably get really frustrated at how slow people drive around them.

No text found

?! Makes a sound in my head, but I can't describe it

No text found

Stopping by my mom's house to fix her internet is how I imagine skilled labor worked in the old west. We catch up on town gossip for a while, I'm brought refreshments while I curse and toil, and I leave with a big bag of fresh vegetables and a few dollars in my pocket despite all protests.

No text found

Q-tips need to stop pretending their main purpose isn't for cleaning ears.

No text found

Upon expiry, Crunchy food goes soft, and soft food goes crunchy

No text found

Someone should make a fake IQ test with the highest scores being 90 and see how many people on the internet comment their high scores above 90

No text found

Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours, and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.

No text found

If you didn't already know about checks you'd laugh at anyone who offered you one. "Here's a piece of paper; I promise this other person will give you the money if you take it to them. I'm going to take this stuff now though."

No text found

I just turned 18 but i still feel like im lying when i am asked to confirm that im 18 years old

No text found

Memes with the 😂😂 caption are today's version of the sitcom laugh track

No text found

Giving an employer two weeks notice is like breaking up with someone you live with and not being able to move out until your new place is ready.

No text found

Drinking coffee wakes me up in the morning, but spilling coffee down my chest works so much better.

No text found

If Google Home/Alexa etc. only worked if you said, 'please,' at the end of your request, it would encourage manners to remain important going forwards.

I say 'please' and 'thank you' to her anyway, like. I feel rude otherwise, and also, feel it's a bad lesson to my kids if they constantly see me barking demands at the poor lady in the box.

Humans are a super AI invented by mother nature and now we are slowly destroying our creator, the exact thing we are afraid of happening with computer AI today.

With all this Musk vs Zuck "caution on AI" controversy and debate going on... Human beings are destroying mother nature; mother nature created us, gave us a consciousness and made us intelligent. With this logic aren't we a super-AI mistake created by mother earth that is slowly taking over the world (mother nature).

As a millennial, the thought of owning a decent house with a nice yard is basically a fairytale at this point.

Yes there are always exceptions. For me at least I can't see myself attempting to pay off a house in half a lifetime.

Whenever I see a typo online, I take a quick glance at my keyboard to see how close the letters are, to see whether or not it is reasonable.

No text found

You can tell a lot about a person by seeing what they do with their shopping cart after they're done with it.

No text found

Firefly is the opposite of Waterfall

No text found

Login screens should provide their password security requirements, so you know which version of your password you used

No text found

The day Costco raises the price of their hot dog is the day I know the economy is ruined

No text found

Considering that most of us regularly kill or step on ants, spiders, centipedes, flies, and other bugs of the sorts - by the time we die most humans are going to have a ridiculously insane K/D ratio

No text found

In the future kids won't know why a camera makes a certain sound when taking a picture

I don't even think that most kids these days know the origin.

Behind every single stupid school rule was an asshole parent with a lawyer.

No text found

No matter what I do, I always feel like a teenager pretending to be an adult

No text found

I never realized how much needed to be taught to us until my son asked me if he could pee in the trashcan.

No text found

If I have to take 45+ minutes to apply to your job you better at least spend two fucking minutes to send me an email saying I didn't get the job and briefly why.

No text found

(from my 12-year-old) When you die, do you see all of the chickens and cows you ate waiting for you to seek revenge?

No text found

I was one of 4 guys who were close friends back in the day. Two have died and one changed gender. I'm literally the last man standing.

No text found

Having a "ton of friends" isn't such a big deal, that's like 16 people at 60kg each.

No text found

From my dogs point of view I am literally a turd burglar. Every time he poops he sees me bag it up.

No text found

Whenever I add a dish to the sink while someone else is washing the dishes, I feel like i'm disrespecting them

No text found

I wish I was as tired when I'm trying to sleep as I am at 2:30 in the afternoon.

No text found

No elevator I have ever ridden in has had elevator music.

No text found

I will gladly spend 7 mins of rearranging the dishwasher to fit that extra cereal bowl which would otherwise take me 2 mins to so by hand

No text found

Calling a bunch of trees "the woods" is akin to calling a city "the steels".

No text found

If you live past 112 , you get to be teenager again.

No text found

During childhood, we are told that jokes about the genital areas are adult content, but once we become adults, these jokes are considered ‘childish’

No text found

When it comes to browser data, do British people "delete biscuits"?

No text found

I would rather watch a blank screen for the duration of an ad than watch the ad itself.

No text found

What if deja vu meant your life ended and you're just restating from your last checkpoint

Restarting***

Whoever coined the term "coined the term", coined the term.

No text found

We live in a age where we have to prove to machines that we are not machines.

No text found

What if "its raining men" and "let the bodies hit the floor" are both about the same event from different perspectives?

No text found

The Mad Max franchise is a documentary about the time Australia's internet went out for a month

No text found

In this house we make coffee before we make the kid's breakfast for the same reason that airlines tell you to put on your oxygen mask before your children's.

No text found

If the media stopped saying "hacking" and instead said "figured out their password", people would probably take password security a lot more seriously

No text found

Nike could learn a thing or two from Build a Bear. Simply by shipping the materials directly to the stores and having kids assemble their own shoes, they could save a fortune by using FREE child labor and have none of the bad publicity.

No text found

There really is no point in watching a ghost hunting show. If they ever did find absolute proof of a ghost, it wouldn't be stuck on a daytime cable show, it would be breaking news on every channel and all over the internet.

No text found

I always thought I prefered being hot rather than cold. But now I realized I just prefered being in a cozy blanket in a cold room than having an AC blast in a hot room

No text found

Amazon could really use a "filter out Chinese sellers" option

No text found

Never judge a Book by its Movie.

No text found

The generations that covered wood floor with linoleum and put wall to wall carpeting in bathrooms have the nerve to talk shit about “millennials”.

No text found

Porn is so amazing that we use it to describe the peak of something. Foodporn. Earthporn. Pornporn.

No text found

Brushing your teeth: the one time something makes you bleed and you think, 'I should do that more often'

No text found

They always tell you to never give in to peer pressure...but they never tell you to not put pressure on others

No text found

I wish your sleep was banked so you could just get all your weeks sleep done in one go

No text found

It is an unspoken rule that if a little kid is hiding under a blanket or couch cushions, you are required to comment on how lumpy the blanket is and pretend to sit on it to try and "smooth it out."

No text found

I just want to take a moment to salute all the brave souls who died so that the rest of us could know which foods not to eat

No text found

Noah would've made an amazing Pokémon trainer, because not only did he catch them all, but he caught two of each.

Plus he didn't even have Pokéballs, he went old school and used big boat.

"Widowmaker" sounds a lot better than "Husbandkiller".

No text found

I wonder if the Japanese are ever startled when they see their girlfriend's vagina for the first time and it isn't blurry.

No text found

If i had measles i would gladly show up at an antivax rally to sneeze on people

No text found

I wish that dreams had an 'auto-save' feature, so that when you're woken up in the middle of a good one, you could pick up where you left off the next time you fall asleep.

No text found

Nearly 16 years after 9/11, many of the U.S. soldiers fighting and dying in Afghanistan today are too young to remember the attacks.

No text found

Adults used to say not to talk to strangers, but you really should because that's how you make friends.

No text found

I'm not fully committed to the video until I turn my phone sideways.

No text found

Drinking decaf coffee is the equivalent of paying a prostitute to cuddle.

No text found

To start a movie I press play, to play a game I press start.

Oddly enough

The songs that really spoke to angsty, 16-year-old me were all sung by really immature grown men

No text found

I feel like people who leave their shopping carts in the middle of a parking lot are the same people that don't pick up their dogs shit when walking them.

No text found

Amy Winehouse is 6 years sober today.

No text found

"Maybe if you go to bed you'll feel better in the morning" is literally just the human version of "Have you tried turning it off and on again?"

i remember seeing this quote somewhere and thought you guys might like it

Home is where the water tastes normal

No text found

Lets be honest, if you were stuck in a body of the opposite sex for an hour you'd spend that hour masturbating

No text found

As an introvert, I get super happy when anyone texts me before I text them, even if it's a close friend

No text found

Have you ever noticed how supervillians are always the ones trying to change things and superheroes are the ones trying to prevent change?

No text found

The caffeinated me has really got to stop making plans with people for the depressed me.

No text found

Aliens would probably think we are hardcore as fuck when they discover we consume poison for our entertainment.

No text found

Sarabi was the real hero of The Lion King. She lost her husband and her kid and still held her shit together under a malevolent regime for years and years

No text found

If someone attacked Gotham during the day, they would be defenceless since they can only signal Batman at night

No text found

I regard NASCAR the same way I regard gay porn: I know it exists and I know some guys like it; I just don't want to see it

No text found

What if Ghosts try to kill you only because they want you as a friend? You ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

No text found

The more common HD cameras have become, the less common UFO and ghost sightings have become.

No text found

Think about how easy birth would've been for the mom in The Incredibles

No text found

The stereotype is that dolphins are good and sharks are evil, when dolphins are so smart that they have the capacity for evil but sharks are simple fish who can only be true neutral.

No text found

Getting a fever is just your body saying "Kill it with fire"

No text found

I use more water washing a cup than the water i drink from the cup.

No text found

Telling depressed people just be happy is like telling people with Alzheimer that they just need to stop forgetting.

No text found

I wish that I could breath underwater so I could sleep in a hot bath.

No text found

If cheerleading was invented in 2017 there would've been so much outrage and everybody would look down on it.

No text found

What if depressed people are actually just the ones who see the world for what it really is?

No text found

If you've said "fuck" more than once your life becomes rated R.

No text found

Imagine how much more amazing sleep would be if we could have multiplayer dreams

No text found

If we didn't have eyes we would be unaware of reality looks like. What if we are missing a entire realm, simply because we didn't have an organ to detect it.

No text found

If our shadows are 2D we could be shadows of 4D people

No text found

Nobody will ever know who the greatest criminal mastermind was because the greatest one probably never got caught.

No text found

I swear some songs have noises in the background that make you think your mum is calling you from downstairs and it gets me everytime

No text found

I've trained my dog to bark at the door whenever he wants to go in or out, but to him, he thinks he has trained me to open the door whenever he barks.

No text found

I can't help but wonder if everyone around me is an NPC and if I'm the only sentient one

No text found

In video games I never use special items because I'm 'saving up'.

No text found

A "ton of cows" is like 1.5 cows

No text found

Whenever I see ‘wtf’ written I immediately think 'what the f*ck’, but when I see 'lol’ I think of it as 'lol’

No text found

If fish had eyebrows I probably wouldn't fish.

No text found

I only need to know more digits of pi than the person im talking to before I can just start saying random numbers

No text found

Now is probably the first time in history where nobody is excited about what the future might look like in 100 years

No text found

Google Maps needs an "It looks like you're at a rest stop or gas station. Why don't I shut the fuck up while you walk around." feature.

No text found

The media tells me that millennials are narcissistic, entitled, and rude. Working in customer service has taught me that is mostly everyone.

No text found

I can't be the only one who sat in the classroom thinking about what naughty things I would do if I was able to stop time.

No text found

Even though hundreds of people write them, Wikipedia pages always sound like they're written by one person

No text found

I'm far more skeptical of meat I cook for myself than a hamburger made by an underpaid/overworked teenage stranger who passes food to me through my car window

No text found

What if we answered coworkers in the morning how we do bands at a concert? "How's everybody doing today?" "Wooooooo"

No text found

Ladybugs are basically flying cockroaches, but we give them a free pass because they're wearing a cool shirt.

No text found

As a kid, when I fell asleep I used to teleport from the couch to my room, now when I'm older, when I get drunk I teleport from the party to anywhere.

No text found

Public restrooms have their toilet paper spooled so tight to force you to use less. But all it accomplishes is to make me waste more as I toss uselessly small scraps away unused because they ripped off before I wanted it to.

No text found

"Be yourself" is only good advice if you're not an asshole.

No text found

There's a lot of pop songs that involve telling the DJ how to do their job.

No text found

Is a frozen watermelon still a watermelon or is it now an icemelon?

No text found

I always check the time on my phone and have to check again cause I wasn't paying attention the first time.

No text found

No one cares about your depression until you're dead.

No text found

I wonder how many times in my life I've narrowly avoided death without even realizing it.

No text found

Most people in their mid-20s say, "I'm only gonna have one drink" and then proceed to get blackout drunk. I say, "Let's get wasted tonight!" and then get sleepy and lose motivation after one beer.

No text found

A human burns about 1,000 calories running 10 miles, meaning you only have to eat a Chipotle burrito to fuel the trip. Humans have pretty great gas mileage if you ask me.

200lb human, 10min pace, 10 miles, is about 908 calories.

Average Chipotle burrito is about 1,000 calories.

10 miles is a good bit of distance for a human to cover in a little over an hour and a half.

EDIT: MATH!

I wonder if the picture which will be used for my obituary has been taken yet.

No text found

Ugh, i love that moment when you go under a bridge when its pouring on the interstate and you get that second of silence before the rain starts pounding on your car again.

No text found

DJ Khaled in music is the audio version of an annoying photo watermark

No text found

As a kid, my chain always came off my bike. As an adult, it hasn't happened once and I wonder what the hell I was doing.

No text found

Chihuahuas are a cat-like breed of dog with none of the appealing qualities of either cats or dogs.

No text found

Everyone probably thought the first deaf guy was an asshole

No text found

At age 33 I still get the childlike feeling of "I want to go home," but it's just not there anymore.

No text found

Managers should have to have references from people they've managed.

No text found

If taste buds didn't exist, everybody would be so healthy and food would only be marketed based on its health benefits.

No text found

Whenever I see a bee drawn in a children's book, it usually has a curly dotted line showing where it has flown, which is the opposite of a "bee line".

No text found

There are very few things I find more satisfying than watching a car change lanes to pass me only to get stuck behind a slower vehicle.

No text found

How many trees have been cut down to print copies of The Lorax...?

No text found

If James Bond is the world's most famous spy, that would also make him the world's worst spy.

No text found

I can't describe the shape of my field of vision. I also can't tell you if it ends at a sharp line, or fades out.

No text found

By January 1st, 2018, everyone born in 1999 or before will be an adult. In effect, there will be no more 90s kids.

No text found

Every single major news channel: "it's pathetic, OJ Simpson will be made more famous because of this. We can't understand why society works like this." Proceeds to only talk about him for 3 straight days. Hm, wonder what the problem is....

Let's just go back to talking about Russia nonstop everyday.

We should have rural exchange students. Switch city school kids with rural school kids.

No text found

I sometimes forget we live in the future. Imagine showing your phone to someone 200 years ago, telling them that this device can connect you to anyone in the world, that it contains more information than any library, and it all fits inside your pocket.

And you can send nudes

Is hipster peer pressure "Come on man, no one else is doing it"?

No text found

A clock records its own time of death.

No text found

I never realized how helpful a flashlight is to my daily life until it became a function on my phone.

No text found

In my 4 years of working in restaurants I have probably cooked a few people their last meal.

No text found

A star athlete making $15 million every year might still negotiate for more money. One year of that salary would be enough to sustain me for the rest of my life.

No text found

Walking with old people feels like escorting NPC's in a game with bad AI

No text found

If O.J. didn't kill his wife, we would never have to see the Kardashians.

No text found

Whenever my boyfriends shows me something on fb before I've seen it here... I feel as if you've all failed me.

No text found

Charging $17 "convenience fee" for a $35 concert ticket should be a federal crime

No text found

In 3rd grade my math teacher said I wouldn't always have a calculator on me...boy was she wrong.

No text found

To not judge a book by its cover is to deprive the cover designer of the satisfaction of people appreciating his hard work.

No text found

A beanbag chair is just a boneless couch

No text found

My least favourite part of any DJ Khaled song is DJ Khaled

How the hell does randomly yelling "DJ KHALED" in the middle of a song contribute at all?

The older I get the more I think 1 million dollars is not a lot of money

No text found

Saying yeah continuously when you're parents are talking to you is the real life equivalent of mashing x to skip dialogue

No text found

Ford needs to pick up OJ from prison in the new 2018 Bronco.

No text found

You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits.

No text found

Had I known 15 years ago that my email would be my username for everything, I would have made it a lot shorter.

No text found

When I have kids I'll understand that they can't pause an online game.

No text found

If gender really doesn't matter then why is everyone so keen to being identified as their "correct" one.

No text found

What if aging is a disease and Earth is a quarantined planet, and that’s why aliens don’t visit us?

No text found

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" are the same thing except at funerals

No text found

The world doesn't have a water problem, it has a salt problem.

No text found

I have never once heard someone complain about women breastfeeding in public. However, I have seen countless people complain about other people complaining about women breastfeeding in public.

No text found

If a deaf person gets handcuffed did they take away his freedom of speech?

No text found

I'd recognize Morgan Freeman's voice before my own.

No text found

If the girl in the movie 'Logan' already had a full adamantium skeleton, she'd stay kid-sized forever

No text found

A piñata that doesn't break is broken

No text found

When I see a "Baby on Board" sticker, I give that person some space. Not because it's my problem, but because a BOB sticker indicates the driver is sleep-deprived, exhausted, and may not have all their focus on the road.

No text found

Having big boobs because you're fat is like having a fast car because it's falling off a cliff

No text found

The generation that grew up yelling "Swiper no swiping!" at their TV now largely dates by swiping.

No text found

I never realize how good it is to feel well until I get sick.

No text found

Games used to have cheat codes. Now they have microtransactions.

No text found

In 50 years, a girl will be listening to The 1975 and One Direction, in a bedroom with Taylor Swift posters and think she was born in the wrong generation.

No text found

I could live in a neighborhood where most people don't lock their doors and I'd never really know since I don't regularly check my neighbor's doors to see if they're locked.

No text found

As a kid, leftovers were always the worst, but, as an adult, leftovers are like a little present I left to my future self cause now I don't have to cook.

No text found

I can't believe that they didn't make a James Bond film in 2007..

No text found

I have never heard a car alarm and thought "A car is being robbed."

No text found

Before video games existed, the phrase "Crap, I died" was probably never spoken.

No text found

Those trash cans that have a foot pedal to open the lid, we should use the same technique to lift the toilet seat in public restrooms.

No text found

A vanilla soy latte is a type of 3-bean soup.

No text found

For being in the middle of a heroin epidemic, we have some shitty music

No text found

When I was 12, 20 year olds had an iPhone and a girlfriend. Now that I'm 20, the 12 year olds have that.

No text found

I believe I've done my children a favor by not having them.

No text found

Non smokers should be allowed to have "breathing breaks" at work

No text found

People act like reading books is the only productive form of reading, yet I spend hours reading and learning online every day.

No text found

There is a special place in hell for people who leave shared documents open, then leave for the day.

No text found

As a male, I peed once through the crack between the lid and base when sitting down and now I have a constant fear of doing it again.

No text found

Whenever someone goes to show me a photo on their phone I always look away until they find it to avoid seeing awkward or inappropriate pictures. I can't be the only one.

No text found

The best part of a cucumber tastes like the worst part of a watermelon.

No text found

I love my dog but if he magically became a person I'd probably find him very annoying

No text found

We have this perception of Boys being smelly and dirty and Girls being more clean and fresh; but coming from someone who has made a living cleaning bathrooms, women are way worse.

The difference is vast... You think guys can't aim or pee on the seat? I can't explain some of things I've seen in ladies rooms.

When I do cardio, This just makes me realize how long a minute really is

No text found

When I see a "Baby on Board" sticker on a car, I feel like it's really more your responsibility than mine.

No text found

Do I HAVE a body or AM I a body?

No text found

If you watch Jaws backwards, it's about a shark that throws up so many people that they have to open a beach.

No text found

I'm not really scared of dying, I'm more bummed about all of the technology I'll never get to see.

No text found

Getting paid for doing nothing seems like the dream until I'm at work doing nothing and getting paid.

No text found

Why the fuck would the Romans crucify the only guy able to turn water into wine

No text found

The people that change gas prices must be the same people that paint graffiti. I never see them, but I know they exist.

No text found

My balls would be very disappointed to learn that I have zero children.

No text found

At last, I figured out what makes such effective Clickbait titles.

No text found

Humans are the only species that pay to live on Earth.

No text found

You know you've made it in life when you set all your bills on automatic payment.

No text found

Two week notices are bullshit. You want me to give you two weeks when I quit, but if you fire me I don't get two weeks to find me another job.

No text found

If you're the first to Google something, Google should notify you.

No text found

How is hunting a sport when the other team doesn't know they're playing?

No text found

There probably is a guy in Hell named Chance

No text found

The economy of Bikini Bottom must either be really good or bad, given that Spongebob and Squidward can live in two story homes with a restaurant's pay.

No text found

In 50 years, they'll be able to rerun "How it's made" by simply changing the title to "How it was Made"

No text found

The 'Beyond' gives Bed Bath and Beyond the ability to sell anything, without seeming out of place.

No text found

You know your life sucks when going to bed is the best part of the day.

No text found

If you don't think you were an idiot in high school, you're probably still an idiot.

No text found

Jump scares in horror movies are like fart jokes in comedy movies.

It's really cheap and stupid, but it gets you every time.

Cheetos cover your fingers in orange cheese dust specifically so that you can't use that hand for anything more than eating more cheetos.

No text found

Needing to pee in the middle of the night and not getting up is like arguing with someone when they are right and you know you're wrong.

No text found

We should all start calling rotary phones "digit spinners" to confuse the kids of today.

No text found

My dog is going blind and I carry her to keep her from running into things and getting hurt, I'm a seeing eye human.

No text found

If you think about it, the lottery demonstrates how much money could be accumulated if everyone donated just a few dollars.

No text found

I'm never really aware how often I swallow until I have a sore throat.

No text found

Google Doodles were fun and exciting until they started having one nearly every day.

No text found

For their wedding, the bride usually purchases a dress she can never wear again while the groom usually rents a tuxedo despite almost certainly having to wear another tux in the future

No text found

I had a safe childhood that was full of love. There is no good reason for me to be this fucked up.

No text found

People stopped getting milk delivered to their house because it became more convenient to go to the store. Now as people start getting groceries online because its more convenient than going to the store, are milkmen going to make a comeback?

No text found

Fidget spinners have made me question whether I'm too old to understand a trend, or old enough to know it's stupid.

No text found

Condoms are perhaps one of the most environmentally friendly inventions. A single condom can potentially eliminate an entire human life's worth of carbon emissions.

No text found

As a bartender I've come to realise im nothing but a glorified drug dealer.

No text found

Do bugs look down at micro-organisms with disgust like we look at them?

No text found

When I walk behind somebody, I worry that they think that I'm following them.

No text found

The human eye can distinguish over 500 shades of gray. That's going to make for a lot of shitty sequels.

No text found

Chuck E. Cheese is really just a casino for children.

No text found

If the Hydra was a real creature, we would be able to farm it for endless meat.

No text found

Only when you're sick or in pain do you start realise how for-granted you take a healthy body

No text found

This Net neutrality stuff is like car manufacturers deciding which radio stations you can listen to based on the car you buy.

No text found

I have seen more of the surface of the Moon with my own eyes than I have of Earth.

No text found

As a first time home buyer, it's not the "door opening" ceremony that makes you feel like an owner, it's pooping in YOUR toilet that makes you feel like a king.

No text found

I've used toothpaste that will 'whiten my teeth in 6 weeks' for 15 year and my teeth are no whiter

No text found

Our society is pretty fucked up that we market our least healthy foods to children

No text found

At 21, I've reached an age where $100 is a lot to give up, but not a lot to receive.

No text found

The five minute snooze on alarm clocks should be as long as the last five minutes of work

No text found

A kids laughter can go from the loveliest thing to a nightmare just by changing the time of day

No text found

I still treat 1970 as if it were 30 years ago, not 47.

No text found

All modern cars should have built in dash-cams by default

No text found

The biggest risk with cannabis use is actually being caught doing it.

No text found

The best part about becoming an adult will be that people won't tell me how tall I've gotten every time I don't see them for a week.

No text found

Spoiled brat is a term parents use to blame their children for their own bad parenting.

No text found

If the world gets worse by the time I'm old, I'll complain about how much better everything used to be. If it gets better by then, I'll complain about how easy kids have it these days.

No text found

We all only have ~2 minutes of life left but every time we breath it resets the clock

No text found

Kids born these days will never have a fair shot at internet usernames. All the good ones were taken before they were born.

No text found

Control + Alt + Delete is the computer equivalent of "Let me talk to your manager."

No text found

I probably wouldn't mind mosquitoes taking a little bit of my blood if they didn't inject me with poison to make me red and itchy.

No text found

i like to stay up at night because the world feels like it stops for a few hours and you don't have any responsibilities

No text found

Why does Garfield hate Mondays so much? It's not like he had a job. He's a cat.

No text found

When I'm in a crosswalk in front of a line of cars at a stoplight, I get nervous that they're all judging how I walk.

No text found

Every morning we tuck our beds to sleep when we make them. Every night we wake them up for work again.

No text found

Marijuana isn't the "Gateway Drug", Tobacco is! I smoked a readily-available cigarette long before I smoked a hard-to-find joint.

No text found

Disney World is a people trap operated by a mouse.

No text found

The annoying thing about salad is that when you eat it, you have to make a mini version of the salad on your fork each time.

No text found

In Harry Potter, a simple counter to Expelliarmus would be to wear a wrist strap.

No text found

I wonder if i have bought milk from the same cow twice

No text found

100 dollars isn't a lot of money to have, but it sure is a lot of money too lose.

No text found

Home is where the water doesn't taste weird.

No text found

I'm not saying pizza is a reason to live, but I am saying I've noticed I drive a lot more carefully when one is in the car.

No text found

Every time the dog at my parents' house barks, they give him a snack to shut him up. My parents were trained by their dog to follow his commands.

No text found

The older I get, I realize that the "cool parents" really had some issues.

No text found

I will go through dozens of pages on a porn website trying to find a specific one but I will not go past the second page of a Google search to find something non-pornographic that I may be looking for.

No text found

No one has ever been in an empty room.

No text found

If a movie has 3/5 rating, I might watch it but if it has 6/10, I'm not touching it with a ten foot pole.

No text found

Smart phones should have a "guest mode" setting so you don't have to worry about friends seeing your browser history, photos, or incoming texts when they use your phone for something.

It could be turned on easily then require your passcode to be turned back off.

My cat must think I'm an idiot when I walk around in the dark and can't see anything.

No text found

I know my wife loves me and appreciates all I do, but I think if I did nothing else but kill spiders she'd be happy with that.

No text found

Shaving your head is the "You can't fire me because i quit" approach to male pattern baldness.

No text found

While Amazon is growing, the Amazon is shrinking

No text found

You know you've made it in life when you forget it's payday

No text found

Humanity seems like it will become that alien race that attacks other planets to strip it of resources because of screwing up their home planet.

No text found

Drones are just kites for millennials

No text found

Gang violence going down is the opposite of gang violence going down

No text found

If I walked into a gigantic library with rows upon rows of books containing most all of recorded human knowledge, I'd lose my mind. But I don't get the same feeling every time I launch my internet browser

No text found

I'll be slightly disappointed if there isn't a nightclub in San Francisco named San Fran Disco.

No text found

As a 34-year-old, I've lived the same amount of years in two different millennia.

No text found

I would pay good money to have a car horn that would specifically honk at the car behind me.

No text found

If you sent your past self winning lottery numbers, your only reward is knowing your a filthy millionaire in an alternate time line.

You're*

Amazon.com should have a "I already bought that stop showing me ads for this" button

No text found

Half of Blink 182 would be Wink 91

No text found

The fact Elon Musk hasn't released a cologne makes me doubt he's as smart as we all think he is.

Gotta capitalize on that name.

Marriage is one of the few things where doubling your experience halves your qualifications for expertise.

No text found

Dog toys in the Toy Story universe really have awful lives.

No text found

I worry that somewhere along the line I forgot to say "end quote" and now everything I say is technically still quoting someone else

No text found

Give a man a bro, he’ll chill for a day. Teach a man to chill, he’ll have bros for life.

No text found

Good porn is hard to finish because it's easy to finish.

No text found

I cant wait to hear stories of self driving cars leaving people without them in it.

No text found

It’s weird how “Fact-checking” and “News” are treated like two separate concepts nowadays.

It’s weird how “Fact-checking” and “News” are treated like two separate concepts nowadays.

Abandoned Shopping Malls would make great homeless shelters.

No text found

You 'hear' a lot about letters being silent, but the h in "sure" is invisible.

No text found

When offered free pizza at a social gathering, I eat two slices max. At home, I probably average six slices.

No text found

Because of The Beatles I always doubt the actual spelling of beetles

No text found

Fireflies must have other bugs always running into their butts.

No text found

It's ironic that my gym clothes are also my "lazy clothes"

No text found

Since I started working I look at spending money as spending hours of my life, like 'I can't buy that, that's a 4 hour shift.'

No text found

As self driving cars become the norm, the term "self driving" will flip to describe someone still driving themself manualy.

Edit: Manually

Edit 2: Themselves

Using a Mac is like taking a luxury cruise but you can never get off the boat. Windows is like a pirate ship that you can take wherever your heart desires, but be prepared to weather a storm or fight off other pirates.

I for one choose the life of adventure.

I'm regretting the day i have to explain to my child that for a period of time, a lot of people reverted back to believing the Earth was flat.

No text found

Giving birth must have been really easy for Elastigirl from The Incredibles

No text found

You never realize how full of shit people are until they start discussing something you know.

No text found

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.

No text found

We live in a world where you can ship a 300lb person across town in under an hour for $5 (Uber)but to ship a 3lb package across town in a week is $10+(UPS)

No text found

We should congratulate parents after they raise a good kid. Not for having one.

No text found

Naming babies makes you think of all the people you've disliked

No text found

Taxes are essentially a subscription to a country.

No text found

I've never actually been in an elevator playing elevator music.

No text found

If my data is used to stream an ad I should get paid for it.

No text found

When you cut wrapping paper and then the scissor starts to glide, I imagine that's what heroin feels like

No text found

As a Customer Service employee, theres nothing I love hearing more than "It's OK, it's not your fault."

No text found

When I Reddited at home, I always thought the NSFW tag was overused. Now that I have an office job, I understand why it is used so often

No text found

Maybe nudists are just tired of doing the laundry

No text found

My car keys have travelled further than my car has.

No text found

If we had not invented skirts, the stick figure on the women bathroom door would have boobs drawn on

No text found

In video games, I try to talk to everyone, do them favors, and explore the entire area around me. In real life I avoid doing these very things.

No text found

Being born increases your risk of dying to 100%

No text found

When you have 2 choices, and you take one away, you have 0 choices

No text found

As cool as a zombie apocalypse would be, realistically I'd just be one of the twats that dies in the opening credits.

No text found

Music should always be playing in shared toilets so you don't have to listen to each other pooping.

No text found

Why do I read the TL/DR part after reading the whole original post? It's like watching a movie and watch the trailer afterwards.

No text found

As the parent of a 1 year old, I now realize I've been using the expression "sleep like a baby" incorrectly my entire life.

No text found

Almost every time adults start questions for me with, "you're good with computers, right?" I know their problems could easily be solved by googling an answer without any deep knowledge of computing.

No text found

Humans require years of training to not shit themselves.

No text found

Cemeteries would be way more interesting if they put the cause of death on all of the headstones.

No text found

Some anti-vaxxers want to deal with disease the way nature intented, but nature never intended for diseases to be cured.

No text found

If the movie "The Matrix" was realistic, there would be that one hacker who would delete everyone's clothes off.

No text found

I correct autocorrect on my phone more often then it corrects me.

No text found

"One man's junk is another man's treasure" describes garage sales AND homosexuality.

No text found

Newfoundland is the geographical equivalent of "untitled folder"

At least there's no "Newfoundland 2"

People always say drink responsibly but no one ever tells you to eat responsibly despite both being the root of major health problems

No text found

A nuclear reactor is just a really fancy way to boil water.

No text found

If I travelled back in time 20 years, I would probably find it quite difficult to live there because of the lack of technology, despite already living there before.

No text found

If you punch someone at 11:59:59 PM on Saturday, you could knock them into next week.

No text found

I just realized that vampires need to drink blood because of their vitamin D deficiency from lack of sun. Vampires have been misjudged for so long.

No text found

Bic has to be one of the most genius companies. Their big sellers are the 2 most frequently lost items, pens and lighters

No text found

If I won the lotto, I probably wouldn't tell my friends. By the same logic, there's a chance one of my friends have already won the lotto and haven't told me

No text found

I wish you could download an ad blocker for your brain that would block any stupid or intrusive thought.

No text found

Home selling sites like zillow should list the available internet providers like they do school zones.

No text found

If the oldest person on earth is 116 years old then 117 years ago there was a completely different set of human beings on earth.

No text found

Do gay people with dwarfism say they came out of the cabinet?

No text found

Movie theaters should charge babies as adults to deter people from bringing them.

No text found

Saying 1-3 is the same as saying 1,2,3

No text found

If you have 2 choices, and you take 1 away, you have 0 choices

No text found

Best thing about the internet: you can talk shit about the Amish all day and they can't do shit about it

No text found

Net neutrality can't be fought without net neutrality.

No text found

Porn sites need sorting by the number of exits from the website after watching the video.

No text found

Seeing my password in plaintext feels like seeing somebody naked that I'm not supposed to

No text found

DJ Khaled songs would be, like, three times better if he didn't shout "DJ Khaled!!" at random times during them.

No text found

I really take the times I don't have clogged up sinuses for granted.

No text found

I'm going to wait until the year 2020 to get a lasik procedure in the hopes of huge promotional discounts.

No text found

I never thought about how our bones are always wet, and now I feel weird.

No text found

As an introvert I have an uncanny ability to suddenly disappear during social activities.

No text found

Cigarette companies should be leading the charge fighting cancer. Because once cancer is cured a lot more people would smoke.

No text found

If I was a female pornstar, my favorite thing would be the reactions of teenage boys when they recognize me in public while they are with their parents.

No text found

When someone says "so tell me a little bit about yourself". I suddenly forget who tf I am

No text found

The Simpsons is so old I now relate more to Homer than Bart.

Took me by surprise, haven't watched it in a few years.

Edit: can't spell.

If we colonize other planets, synchronizing our calendars will be a nightmare.

No text found

Playboy had great journalism and interviews people like Martin Luther King Jr and Malcolm X back in the day, and Pornhub fights for sex education and net neutrality. Pornhub is kinda the Playboy of our generation.

No text found

A poodle is literally a wolf in sheep's clothing.

No text found

It's only a matter of time before artists start releasing songs to fuck with voice-recognition technology. "Alexa, play 'What's the Weather Like?' by Skip Song"

No text found

If you ever need to buy a noose from Amazon I bet the best ones are the ones without any reviews.

No text found

Shouldn't the husband/wife who cheated be the "homewrecker," not the boyfriend/girlfriend that they cheated with?

Edit: I've seen this pop up in here a bit so I wanted to mention it. The point of this thought isn't whether the person on the side (ie. "Assistant to the Cheater" or "ATTC" for short) is at fault or is/isn't an asshole for sleeping with the spouse (The Cheater). It's about who broke a vow. The ATTC may have know of The Cheaters preexisting relationship, or they may not have. Are they a douche for sleeping with a married person? Probably. Is some of the fault on them? Arguably, yes. But the ATTC isn't the one who broke a vow. They aren't the one who wrecked a home and shattered the trust of the marriage.

The only reason I don't have tattoos is that I don't feel that strongly about anything

No text found

If there's a 35% chance that I'll have sex, I I'll be sure to bring a condom. If there's a 35% chance of rain I won't even think about a raincoat.

No text found

Cigarettes are good for the environment because they kill humans

No text found

If the movie Yes Man was realistic Jim Carrey would just end up downloading a bunch of malware

No text found

I think we should get 10% discount if we go through the self checkout line. The clerks get paid to scan and bag my groceries - I don't work there yet I'm doing their job for free.

No text found

"Kills 99% of bacteria!" may as well be "Isolates the strongest 1%!"

No text found