There should be an acronym for when something is mildly funny but doesn't quite deserve a lol (because that is way overused and no one ever actually laughs out loud when they use it). Maybe stm? Smile to myself? Or baomn - blow air out my nose?

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"AKA" is what "Also Known As" is also known as.

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Google with 20b in income donating 1m to something is equivalent to my 70k donating about 4$

It's really sad to think how much money they made selling those people's data and jamming ads in their face then can't even put a 20$ bill in the donation box

In two-three days you will die. Luckily, that timer resets every time you drink a glass of water.

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I don't have a lot of money or gadgets but if my childhood self heard I own my own Wifi network, HD widescreen TV, all the music and movies I want via streaming, he'd think I had Bill Gates money.

You never realize how much you have sometimes until you put yourself in perspective.

I wonder if one of my decisions ever caused a chain reaction that ended up ruining a stranger's day

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The answer to the question "where are you from?" becomes less specific the further you are from home.

For example when I was in europe I told them the country, but I would point out my exact house to someone in the same neighborhood. If I was in a different state I would just say the state, etc. If we mastered space travel the answer would just be earth.

Tides are basically water trying really hard to get the moon and failing miserably, like a doomed love story

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"lol" looks a lot like the absolute value of 0.

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If you want me to go vegetarian, show me videos of animals having fun, not ones of them being slaughtered.

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There should be an alarm clock app that syncs to google maps and adjusts your wake up time based on current traffic reports

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Everyone in my life says “I wish I was rich so I didn’t have to do anything all day” but I wish I was rich so I could do everything all day.

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CPR is the human version of blowing in a videogame cartridge and hoping it'll work again.

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One reason I have a cat is so that when I hear creepy sounds in my house at night, I can just say to myself, "That's just the cat," and ignore them.

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Despite what teachers told us, Wikipedia did end up being the most valuable resource for research

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I look at my own poo and don't really care, but as soon as I look at somebody else's it is the most disgusting thing ever.

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The letter 'W' starts with a D

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There becomes a point where you're so late that you might as well just take your time.

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If Camille lanes against Cho'Gath it's kinda like Attack on Titan.

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They don't put pockets in women's clothing because they want to sell us handbags.

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Scientists who study meteors must really hate meteorologists for stealing their ology

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An airport is just about the only place where you can run sweatpants while drinking a beer at 6am and not be judged.

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In high school, when the teacher left the room, everyone would act a fool. Nowadays I bet all the kids just take out their phones.

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There has never been a time when I needed Num lock to be off

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Talking is weird, you're transferring your thoughts to someone else's thoughts by pushing air out of a hole in your face.

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You are never caught up on laundry unless you do laundry naked.

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If we all stuck together and taught kids one thing, showing them that admitting a mistake you've made and that genuinely apologising for it is the most cool and mature thing that you can do could literally save us from further world wars.

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If you cut holes in a screen door, it would have fewer holes.

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I get really uncomfortable when I have to round a number like 1.845 to 1.8

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It's amazing that every pub and restaurant out there has at least one employee who can write beautifully on a blackboard.

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I'm high as fuck and realized that an 18 year old can adopt a 17 year old that would be weird as fuck

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The true mark of adulthood is when your parents no longer schedule your Dr appointments so instead you just don't go and hope you don't die

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Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.

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Condoms should come in over-pressurized packets, so you'll know if they have been tampered with.

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I don't think I've ever walked away from a hand-dryer with dry hands

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Aren’t eye drops technically blinker fluid?

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Zombies can't swim, as everybody knows, but since this week I wonder, maybe they can float in a clump like ants?

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As a kid I used to brag about how expensive my stuff was, but as an adult I brag about how cheap I got stuff for.

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I'm not confident that I'd be able to accurately describe my own face to a police sketch artist, let alone a stranger.

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Humanity must have failed terribly to create a future in which robots doing our jobs is considered a bad thing.

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When you lose one shoe, you really lose two shoes

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Horses must be the most farted upon creatures in the entire world.

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On Google, the first result I look at is the one without Ad next to it.

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When you step on someone's foot, their mouth opens like a trash can.

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If you pay for the results of an online IQ test, the website should deduct 25 points from your score

Maybe it should deduct points for taking the test at all

Life is just a really long story about how you died.

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Hundreds of years ago being fat was expensive. Today staying fit is expensive

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2020 seems so futuristic for only being 3 years away

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People who use medical marijuana to treat arthritis are literally burning joints to soothe their burning joints

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If your a famous smuggler you're doing something wrong.

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It's socially acceptable to drink 8 cans of beer in one sitting, but substitute beer with soda, and you're a real weirdo.

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You tube needs an un view button. This would help to stop the click bait videos.

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Belle and the Beast were probably executed by the servants and townsfolk just years after the movie took place, during the French Revolution

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"Dormitory" is an anagram for "Dirty Room"

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Maybe if ads weren't so invasive I would turn off adblock. But noooo, self playing videos and redirects galore.

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With 6 deaths in a population of 7 million, hurricane Harvey probably saved lives over the weekend because of the lack of regular traffic accidents due to people staying put in their house

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If I saw an ad that really quickly said "Coke paid so you don't have ads on this video," I would be so much more responsive.

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Folgers was wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to sleep.

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The tap (faucet) should really be at the other end if the bathtub than the drain. It'd make rinsing out the bath so much easier.

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I still look both ways on 1 way streets because ya'll are some crazy ass drivers

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They should stop selling razors by gender and start selling them by which part of the body you are shaving. i.e. Groin razors, face razors, leg razors.

Edit: Grazors, Fazors, and Lazors

Gray is a color and grey is a colour.

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Someone should make a show where they have Conor McGregor trains and goes up against professional Athletes outside of his sport.

For instance, episode 1, trains to be a quarterback, episode 2 trains to be a goalie, episode 3, tennis, etc. Even if he loses, it would just show that he is very good at everything.

The mentality "it's only $5, why not buy it?" has probably cost me over $5000 dollars in my lifetime

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15 years ago, the internet was an escape from the real world. Now, the real world is an escape from the internet.

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We shouldn't have to use our own mobile data to download ads which are shown before/during an online video we've chosen to watch..

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Calling my mom when I'm sad is the same as bringing a malfunctioning product back to the manufacturer.

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If you sat on your own voodoo doll, would you be able to get up?

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If I say "I'm the worst," people immediately say, "no you're not!" But if I say "I'm the best," people immediately think, "no, you're not."

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When I was a child I thought acid rain was going to be a much bigger threat than it actually is

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Now that I'm older than 16, 16 seems entirely too young to handle the responsibilities of driving.

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They should make the following a law: Any ads or offers you get in the mail must tell you where they got your information from.

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The first person to discover that a butterfly used to be a caterpillar must have looked very suspiciously at every animal they came across.

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You would think by now at least one anti-vaxxer would have bothered to go to school and earned a Ph.D. in immunology so they could prove they're right.

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If I'm reading an essay or article, no matter how profound or accurate, I will question its validity if there are spelling mistakes.

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If I had the ability to close my ears like I can close my eyes, I would probably be less irritated all the time.

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Life is just one long story about how you died.

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Very few things taste as good as water at just the right temperature when you're really thirsty.

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I'm closer to being homeless than I am to being a millionaire

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This time Houston has a problem

EDIT : Wow! My first front page on reddit!

I'd rather take a razor scooter to the ankle 55 times than tell the class a fun fact about myself

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I wonder if i've ever walked past a killer

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During the Nineties, "Flipping mice over and picking the hair off their balls" went from being a bizarre fetish to a normal computer maintenance chore.

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In the end, a tip is just a 15% increase on the price of your meal because the employer can't be bothered to pay the employees enough.

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"Let the Bodies Hit The Floor" and "Its Raining Men" are about the same event but from drastically different points of view.

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"if you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room" is cool but, for you to be in the right room, at least one other (smarter) person has to be in the wrong room...

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You are the result of 13.1 billion years of stellar evolution, countless chances and happenstances, descisions and events. You are the pinnacle of evolution. You are part of the species that has almost unravelled reality itself. And you're watching cat videos in your underwear.

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I am surprised I haven't seen or heard a single 'Houston we have a problem' joke these last couple days.

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Every time I have an "original idea", a quick Google reminds me that no, a falafel waffle already exists.

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Young people will never appreciate what a miracle it is to have a map with your current location marked on it.

Between video games and GPS navigation systems it's starting to seem normal.

I use to be able to speak over the phone for hours, now the thought of a phone conversation going over 5 minutes annoys me

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Spotify should have a "No Live versions Mode".

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Whenever I have the AUX cord I tend play music that everyone won't hate, rather than playing music that I love.

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I hate it when, after being gilded, people edit an otherwise excellent post and ruin it by thanking everyone, like they are giving an Oscar acceptance speech.

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Google Maps really needs a "calm the fuck down I'm just getting gas" feature.

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There are people who survived Katrina and moved to Houston. Think about that for a moment.

Damn. Just think about it. Katrina now Harvey.

Children of the cellphone age will never feel the satisfaction of slamming down the phone on someone.

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The sun goes dark on Monday, a 100+ mph wind storm blows in on Friday, and mass flooding overtakes us on Saturday....if this were a couple hundred years ago I'm pretty sure we'd all assume this is the apocalypse.

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My fondest childhood memory is thinking that $100 is a lot of money.

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HBO should do televised fundraiser, and not air Game of Thrones until 'x' amount of money is made. The world will clean up the mess hurricane Harvey made so quickly.

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I wonder how many pairs of tinder bots there are just chatting away to each other

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Conor McGregor has the most impressive 0-1 boxing record ever.

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The most remarkable feat in modern day mountaineering is the man who hiked to the top of a mountain and posted nothing about it online.

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No matter how good a youtuber is, whenever i hear "dont forget to subscribe!" i don't subscribe.

Also i dislike whoever says 'smash that like button'

Imagine what a spider wearing flip flops would sound like

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There should be a Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong and a family has fun seeing all the different dinosaur attractions.

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I’ll spend $20 on fast food without blinking an eye, but a $2.99 phone app is a serious decision.

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The tone I interpret from text is directly related to my own insecurities with that person.

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I appreciate evolution for giving me the ability to fart without shitting myself everytime.

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I've seen more boxing movies in my life than actual boxing matches

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There should be two shuffle modes. One for songs you play frequently, and one for songs you haven't heard in a while.

I always seem to put on shuffle, only to skip through about 15 songs to find the one that I want haha. Anyone else?

People who say "If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best" typically don't have a "best"

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There should be a Blind Date version of Tinder. No pictures until you've swiped right based on their bio

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If you can't handle me at my worst... It's probably because you have healthy emotional boundaries.

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Getting bored of GTA after loading in a whole bunch of cheat codes taught me at a very young age how important it is to earn the things you have.

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Sloths are probably very fast creatures but they're playing the long game, lulling us into complacency until attack day

I thought of this in the shower.

No, I don't know why I was thinking about sloths in the shower but thanks for asking.

I learned a lot about classical and opera through bugs bunny as a kid.

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I've never had any music auto-play while loading a web page that made me think: "Yeah... that compliments my experience here"

It's 2017. If I want to listen to specific music or watch a specific video I'll do so. Web pages are not TV--- Do not auto-play content.

When I was younger, I trusted my parents' driving skill wothout a doubt. As an adult, riding with my parents terrifies me.

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Patrick Star's face is actually just one of his hands.

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Every news broadcast should begin with "We want to take this time to remind everyone that the overwhelming majority of people today behaved themselves and acted morally and were trying to do the best they can with the choices they have. What follows on this program are the exceptions."

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I wish goverments and companies put as much effort towards world peace as they do trying to block Mayweather v Mcgregor streams.

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The Bachelor should have a blind guy on for a season so he eliminates the girls only based on their personality

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The comments on reddit that get deleted are the ones I most want to read.

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Sally is a terrible businesswoman. Of all places to sell sea shells, why would she do it by the sea shore? People can just pick shells up for free

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M&Ms should really be advertising on the Mayweather & Mcgregor fight.

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And now Mayweather should have to fight McGregor in the Octogon.

It's only fair

If you go to jail for tax evasion, you're basically living off taxes for not paying taxes.

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If we didn't have eyes, we would be unaware of colour. What if we're missing some part of reality because we don't have the organ to detect it?

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Heroes always save the world in the nick of time. When I become a villain, all my timers will activate when they reach 5, not 0.

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You don't realise how polite people are until you meet someone rude

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Technically, a lawless state would be crime free

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I thought people who browsed through New were weird, now that my addiction has fully formed I understand the struggle of looking for new content.

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Whenever I see the introductory text at the start of a movie, I always worry that I won't read all of it in time, then read too quickly and don't understand it anyway

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Antivaxer is just a much nicer way of saying that you're pro disease.

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I didn't even know I could drop out of school until the "Be cool, stay in school" guy gave a speech at my school.

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I tend to think that (at least more often than you'd think) guys do mostly see the hints women are dropping, but we don't want to assume anything and have them assume we are the creep who thinks said woman is hitting on us.

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My true soul-mate and I will probably be to shy to say hello to each other

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I handle rejection well because 99 out of 100 times I want to ask a random girl for her number I can't drum up the nerve, so by the time I ask I'm so pleased with myself for doing it, I don't really care what she says.

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If pigs could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious

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I just watched a kid take his favourite toy, smash it against the ground with all the force in his tiny body, and then start bawling his eyes out because his favourite toy is broken. This sums up everything I know and everything I'll ever need to know about children.

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Thanks to the sheer amount of years I've been online, I've probably insulted someone, they grew up to have a kid who got online and I've insulted them too.

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The "old you" is younger than you are.

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The coolest realization of being a new father, is knowing my dad loved me as much as I love my son, super humbling.

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A bandaid goes from totally fine to absolutely disgusting the instant it leaves your skin.

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Breaking up with someone for cheating on you is pretty much like saying "you can't fire me, I quit".

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Congress should be paid minimum wage.

If congress was paid minimum wage the minimum wage would be a lot higher.

95% of the bad guys in Scooby Doo were arrested for playing pranks less harmful than the present day's average Youtuber.

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When you get charged £1.85 by a cash machine to get your own cash out and it has the audacity to tell you to cover your pin to prevent getting robbed

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I'd rather take a 20 minute detour than wait 10 minutes in traffic.

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When someone in my dream makes a clever joke, I made a clever joke.

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Sometimes I don't eat because I think of all the dishes that I have to clean at the end

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The most supernatural thing on Scooby Doo was the talking dog

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My girlfriend assumes I don't clean because I'm lazy, but really it's because she's just gonna tell me how I did it wrong anyway

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Gordon Ramsey should do a show where he goes around and tastes school lunches.

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To apes humans must seem like the classic flying saucer UFO alien: tall, thin, and physically weak but possessing superior technology and an intellect beyond understanding.

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The original sherlock holmes novels and Sherlock take place over 100 years apart, and they didn't have to change Watsons backstory as a soldier injured while fighting in Afghanistan.

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If a gif isn't loading right away, I always scroll down almost past it to as if I'm showing the gif I'm serious, and then I expect it to cut the bullshit and just load already.

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I miss the days when I could choose to not watch The Apprentice

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Everytime I look at porn on the internet, I kind of hope I'll recognize someone from high school.

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If Jaime Lannister's hand was made of Valyrian Steel, he could bitchslap those White Walkers to death

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Messy handwriting is like the written version of a thick accent I can't understand.

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Let's take a moment to thank our eyes for not fogging up like glasses

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The answer to "Is today Opposite Day?" is always no.

No?

Intentionally losing a game of Rock, Paper, Scissor is just as hard as trying to win the game.

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What if people in ancient times found fossils of dinosaurs and that's how they believed dragons / large monsters existed?

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Cruella deVille has done more to make me hate the fur industry than PETA ever could.

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It's actually pretty creepy that trees continue standing long after they've died. I'm glad humans don't do this.

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I always read the tl;dr even when I've actually read the whole post, just to see how accurate it is.

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A werewolf that doesn't know he's a werewolf would be an unawarewolf.

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I avoid looking at intentionally loud cars driving by because that's what they want me to do.

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Whenever I accidentally create a sound that sounds similar to a fart, I immediately try to recreate it so those around me know I didn't just fart.

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I'll really debate purchasing a $1.00 app, but I'll buy a $8.00 drink without even thinking.

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A zombie outbreak could be prevented if people were buried with their shoe laces tied together.

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The most dangerous game is resting your eyes after you've turned the alarm off.

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Plankton eats holographic meatloaf for dinner because holograms are projections of light, and plankton gain energy through photosynthesis.

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The word "homeowner" has "meow" in the middle...good luck saying that correctly again.

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I will be prepared to spend over $300 dollars online but when I get charged for $7.95 in shipping costs, I won't buy it.

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Don't touch! - Scariest thing to read in Braille.

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The sentence “Are you as bored as I am ” can be said backwards and still make sense.

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Snakes would be much less intimidating if they rolled instead of slithered

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Making fun of a fat person at a gym, is like making fun of a sick person at a hospital.

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If BMW makes a self driving car will it still drive like an ass hole?

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Being at a strip club is like being at the dolphin show at sea world. I want to enjoy it, but I just feel bad for them.

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The plagiarism section on my syllabi seem to be the same for each class, almost as if it’s copied and pasted.

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Our hands have fingertips but our toes don't have toetips. Yet we can tiptoe

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When the batteries in my remote get low I push the buttons harder thinking it makes the signal stronger

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A truly crushing moment when you skip ahead on a video and it buffers for so long that continuing to watch would've been quicker

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When I type a wrong letter halfway through my password, I always delete every letter and start over instead of correcting myself.

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If I were a ghost, I would haunt people by knocking on their door as soon as they started masturbating.

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An obsession with the imperial measurement system could be considered a foot fetish.

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You don't realize how much a video game has become second nature to you, until you have to teach someone else to play for the first time.

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It's strange that there is a setting on your toaster to completely burn the bread.

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I can have a crystal clear, high definition video chat with someone on the other side of the planet. Why do I still have to yell into the drive through machine?

And why do they still mishear my order?

Let us all take a moment to appreciate that our internal organs don't itch

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15 "one hit wonder" singers/bands should all tour together as part of a "one hit wonder tour" with each band playing only their one hit.

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Whenever I make an accidental fart sound with my mouth or desk chair in a public setting I recreate the sound 5 or 6 more times just to make sure everyone knows I didn't actually fart.

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Since the NSA probably hacks our Laptop cameras, I wonder how much child porn they've created themselves while minors were fapping to pornhub.

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Every bullet misses you by inches. It's just a lot of inches.

You're probably being missed by inches right now.

You accidentally trip on your dog in the middle of the night, but they will think you specially got up to kick them.

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It should be mandatory that every 3-4 years people would need to retake their driving test to ensure that they can, you know, actually drive a car on the road properly and safely.

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When I kill a bug with a tissue, I always flush it instead of throwing it away in case the bug comes back to get me at night

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The person who invented the snooze button had to be the most motivated-to-be-lazy person in history.

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Growing up I was taught "whining gets you nowhere" after working in an office for a few years thats exactly how people get what they want..

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I wish I could type into the Google search bar 'I've already purchased a range hood.' So Google will stop showing me ads for them.

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When I was younger I admired people who are naturally smart because they achieved great things. Now that I am older, I admire people who have worked hard to overcome their weaknesses even if their achievements may be more modest.

edit: on a similar note, I think I finally understand what it means to "make a difference where you are." There are people around me who might not be changing the world, but they have done more to inspire me to do the best I can than other big names (eg Einstein) could have ever done. They are making a difference in me, and to me, that's all I need.

Carrot juice is technically orange juice.

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If God really wanted to troll us, He could have made the moon transparent so it acted like a lens, and put Earth at its focal point. Then whenever an eclipse happened, it would scorch a path across the planet.

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Out of the millions of ways you can die, you've avoided all of them. Look at you go.

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As a kid, I was sent to bed as a punishment. Now I view a lack of sleep as a punishment.

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I am responsible with my money so that I can afford to be irresponsible with my money.

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All this "good boye" and "smol doggo" stuff is the modern day version of the "I can haz cheezburger" cat memes

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If self driving cars become a huge industry, ice cream trucks will be mobile vending machines

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If I accidentally download the same file twice, I'll open the second download because it's fresher.

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If we took all the money from the rich and gave it to the poor they'll have it back in a few years

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Every time we slap a mosquito to death, we help the species slowly evolve into their unslappable ultimate form

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"Finally" is pronounced as 'Final - e' but "finale" is pronounced as 'fi - nally'

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The first option in any automated phone menu should be "I'M SUPER PISSED AND JUST WANT TALK TO A HUMAN!"

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I hate being the only one in my house that works, pays the bills, cleans the house, & cooks all the food too. I live alone, but still.

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2017 is to 1990 what 1990 is to 1963

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Do you ever get that sudden outburst of motivation to go out and make your life better then after 5 minutes you're like " yeah that's not happenin"

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I am glad an eclipse is a rare occurrence, because I am sick of hearing about it...

Great, now the eclipse has also caused me to be a hypocrite.

Edit: prior to posting and receiving comments, it hadn't occurred to me that the rarity fuels the hype.( Was a quick shower) I am still very tired of hearing about it though...

I'll never understand why some people feel their kids owe them something. The kid didn't bring itself into this crazy world

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The world seemed like a much better place around the time PokémonGo came out, I miss that.

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"Iced coffee" sounds good but "cold coffee" sounds gross.

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When you cough, yawn or burp, it's considered polite to cover your mouth; it's polite to cover your nose and when you sneeze. No-one puts their hand over their arse when they fart.

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People who are rude to retail workers should be punished by having to work in retail for a week.

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A human came out of a human because a human came into a human.

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If only one person in the world had a sense of humor, it would probably be labeled a mental illness.

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People that ask easily googled questions are not necessarily looking for an answer, they just want to talk.

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The people who watched the eclipse indirectly through shades missed out, I stared directly and Im still get to watch it a whole 17 hours later

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It's really unfortunate that saying "I can't wait for this game to come out" has turned into "I really hope they don't fuck this one up".

Kinda bums me out that video games (and movies too) have such a low standard of quality these days. It just kinda hit me that it's now my first thought every time. :/

Every dog is either a bitch or a son of a bitch.

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In the good old days you could look up a recipe without having to read a person's life story first.

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I wonder if the next generation is going to ask us if we dial 911 in case of an emergency because of 9/11

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Fallout 3 is about finding your father, Fallout 4 is about finding your son, Fallout 5 will be about finding the Holy Spirit

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"Are my retinas burned?" will probably be trending on Google tomorrow morning.

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What if boomerangs don't actually work, there are just so many people throwing them in Australia that you always get somebody else's

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I wish I went to bed with the same level of tiredness I wake up with.

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My daughter's cat died today and though our entire family is upset by the loss, burying him under the eclipse felt like the beginning to a horror movie.

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Flat Earthers should go outside and watch the eclipsewithout glasses if they want to prove the sun is small, weak and near us.

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I'm glad that the flat earth society can see the full solar eclipse from everywhere in the world.

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Sometimes I sit on the toilet so long at work that the motion sensor light goes off and I just think "What am I doing with my life?"

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When my teen son rejected my advice, he was basically ignoring the walkthrough so he could just play the damn game that was his life.

x

I love talking to small children. No adult is ever going to ask me what my 3rd favorite dinosaur is.

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Astronomers can predict the exact time the earth, moon, and sun will align, but yet there are people out there who won't believe them when they say the earth is round...

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If someone else has an awkward moment, I'll forget about it almost immediately. But if I have an awkward moment, I think about it constantly for years

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As a millenial, Bryan Cranston played Zordon in Power Rangers when I was a kid, Hal in Malcolm in the Middle, when I was entering my teenage years, and Walter White when I was entering my adult years. It's like he continuously made shows so he could grow up with us.

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You can tell a lot about the character of a person by what they do with a shopping cart when they are finished with it.

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Sometimes when I meow back at my cat, she gives me such a look that makes me think that did I just said something really offensive in cat's tongue.

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A solar eclipse is the cosmic equivalent of the bouncing DVD logo going perfectly into a corner.

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When you kiss someone, you're making a tube from butthole to butthole

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If North Korea ever gets a free internet, people using it will fall victim to the oldest and stupidest scams

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Instead of complaining about immigrants stealing jobs, shouldn't people be more angry at the company's that hire them over citizens because they can pay them under minimum wage?

Edit: This is in to way shape or form an attack on the immigrants trying to find jobs in better countries, to reiterate I believe they should be paid the same amount to give everybody equal opportunity to get the jobs they want. Instead of a company choosing the one they have to pay less and can train over the one more qualified for the position, thus shutting down the "THEY TOOK ER JUBS" arguement.

Kids think they will never use math because school does a piss poor job relating lessons to real world jobs.

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I get way more peer pressure as a 30 year old woman who doesn't drink than I ever did as a teenager

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What if Elon Musk is a time traveler from the future who is getting rich by pretending to invent future technology, but is also warning us about the future deadly killer robot wars that caused him to flee to the past in the first place.

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When I first donated blood, my biggest reason for hesitancy was fear of the needle piercing my arm. Now it's fear of just how many times Red Cross will contact me for my next appointment.

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Removal of net neutrality is the modern day equivalent of ancient civilizations destroying or burning libraries to keep citizens away from the knowledge that those in power do not agree with or want them to have access to.

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As a kid, all I wanted was to be an adult. Tonight, I had 3 bottles of wine and a bag of popcorn for dinner and I realized, it was totally worth the wait.

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Solar energy is just nuclear energy from a safe distance.

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Watching my wife's five-minute transformation from weekend pajamas to "presentable" for a quick run to the store makes me suspicious of everyone I see in public.

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Instead of executing prisoners on death row, keep them alive as organ donors until someone needs an organ.

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I wonder how many people will be literally blinded by their ignorance tomorrow.

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Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.

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If I sold knockoff Solar Eclipse glasses, my clients wouldn't be able to find me after the eclipse anyway.

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If you work at the unemployment office and get fired you'd still have to show up the next day

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I can't decide if website adverts purposely load a fraction later than the rest of the page, causing me to click it as it bumps the content down, or if it's just a coincidence.

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I feel like picking the numbers 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 would have no chance of winning the lottery, but they have just as much of a chance as any other set of numbers.

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We live in a world where community service is a punishment

Just watched V for vendetta and Idiocracy and I think they might have a good grasp of the future

To find a needle in a haystack, all you'd have to do is burn the haystack..

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I judge the size of a city purely based on how far I can zoom out on Google Maps and still see its name.

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Using Google maps while you walk around a new city, is like having the minimap open in a video game.

And places of interest in the city are like quest icons.

Spent the day waking around Verona and realized that just like a video game, I had to keep pulling up my minimap every few seconds to reorient myself until I learned where all the good vendors are in the town.

This thought came to me during my morning shower today.

The Nike slogan should be "JUST DID IT" because of the checkmark/swoosh.

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It's weird people compare life to a roller coaster, because on a roller coaster, the downhill parts are the most fun.

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September is basically the Monday of the year

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Sometimes I think the greatest benefit to freedom of speech is that it gives terrible people an opportunity to expose themselves publicly.

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Bouncy castles would be a lot more fun if you could also get bouncy siege weapons.

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Why is it that hair is disgusting when not attached to someone, but it's ok when still on someone's head?

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"Australia" has 3 a's. Each pronounced a different way.

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A "lethal dose" is also a "liftime supply".

lifetime* probably should have proof-read the text before posting it.

My adult years have made me question why anyone would go big when they could go home.

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Hakuna Matata was an elaborate ploy from Timon and Pumba to get Simba to eat bugs instead of them.

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If it's the circle of life, then life is pointless.

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Most of my personalized ads are for things I just bought, which really seems like a poor advertising choice.

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Washing machines should have a reservoir tank that I have pour a whole jug of detergent in and it automatically dispenses the correct amount via small pump every load.

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Theme parks can snap a crystal clear picture of you on a roller coaster at 70 mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still.

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If world war three happens then all of the world war three memes might end up in history books under propaganda.

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"I Just Can't Wait To Be King" is a showstopping number where Simba gets really excited for the day his father dies.

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If two mind readers read each others mind, whose mind are they reading?

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You can chop a tree down then you can chop the tree up.

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We should have a holiday like the Purge, but instead of killing people customer service employees are allowed to say whatever they want to customers.

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My parents used to say there would be people offering drugs to me for free until I got addicted to them and then would charge exorbitant prices for it. Looking at the games in the app stores nowadays, I think those drug dealers all turned into game developers.

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I can't pictue hamsters living in the wild and doing hamster things

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If Jon Snow is turned into a white walker, does he become Jonny Walker or Snow White?

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Honestly, if I was a Muggle in the Harry Potter series and I had just received a letter saying that my child is a wizard, I'd think it was some sort of scam

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Kids now don't know how great cellphones truly are. They will never know the pain of going to a friends house, knocking on the door and hoping they can do stuff.

I know that pain well.

Chili peppers must be pretty pissed. The exact defense they developed to preserve the species is the exact reason they are devoured.

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If you step on a person's foot, their mouths open. Just like trash cans.

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Never has Windows actually found a solution when a program crashes and says "checking for a solution to the problem"

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Anyone who thinks that waterboarding isn't torture could probably be waterboarded until they admit that it is.

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If you marry the right person, for the rest of your life you’ll be “doing what you love.”

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I definitely would go slightly out of my way to step on a crunchy looking leaf

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A baby born at 11 PM in California and baby born at 2 AM in New York have different birthdays but were born at the same time

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People who think the eclipse glasses are unnecessary will be literally blinded by their ignorance.

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Websites telling me I'm using adblocker is a bit like a vampire at the window: "I notice you've got your windows locked..."

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I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really is.

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Amazon didn't kill retail, Traffic and hassle-filled parking did.

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I bet people would use sunscreen more if it was marketed as anti radiation cream

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Sending email confirmation that I've successfully unsubscribed from an email list is about as passive aggressive as it gets

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There should be a new reality show where flat-earthers are given the challenge to find the edge of the earth.

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The more times your ad interrupts my music on Spotify, the less likely I am to buy your product

O-o-o-oreilys can only be heard so many times before I commit completely to autozone instead.

Smoke breaks are perfectly acceptable, but get up from my desk/walk/stretch breaks are considered a waste of time by my boss.

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I wish that I could record silence, and play it on a full blast volume and the whole room to be quiet.

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I hope after I die I get to see my stats like, number of breaths taken, number of good deeds, number of house flies killed with my bare hands

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When flirting biting your lower lip is sexy, but biting your upper lip isn't

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If you're having sex with a girl named Diana in Indiana, you're in-Diana in Indiana

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I should really pick up all these almost empty shampoo bottles and throw them away, but I won't now and I'll forget until I'm in here again.

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Dentists should post basic sign language guides on their ceilings so you can sign to them if anything feels wrong

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For a tree, a forest is like a crowded city, and a city is like a rural area.

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My car will make obnoxious, loud sounds if it knows I haven't worn a seatbelt in the last 5 seconds, but if anything serious happens like engine overheating it is completely silent.

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It's hard to tell if my taste buds have changed or if snack companies have made a cheaper product since I was a kid.

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In Charlotte's Web, Charlotte doesn't try to keep Wilbur alive because he's "Some Pig" but because pigs attract flies for her to eat.

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I would rather see Bobby Flay vs Gordon Ramsay pay-per-view cook off, than Mayweather Vs McGregor.

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You should get an employee discount for using Self-Checkout in a store.

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Dying is the last thing you'll do for the first time ever.

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Giving candy to a baby is way worse than taking candy from a baby.

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If there was a licence to consume alcohol that could be taken away due to drinking and driving, then people would take the whole thing more seriously

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"nineteen letters long" is nineteen letters long

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Pessimism is just an ugly word for pattern recognition.

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You always hear about the dangers of office workers sitting too much but never about children sitting for 8 hours a day at school.

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When getting dressed, having only pants on feels normal, but having only a shirt on makes me feel like a pervert.

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I really wish my butt crack didn't have sweat glands

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I feel like after I miss each eclipse I hear the next one is in over 100 years then I miss another one next month

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Kryptonite is everyone's weakness if you hit them hard enough with it.

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If you think white supremacists are angry now, just wait until next week when the sun turns black.

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Is there an age limit for volunteering at nursing homes or could I just drop my grandma off there everyday?

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Going on the web used to be an escape from reality, but lately reality is like an escape from the web

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Instead of reading "Millenials are killing ____ industry!" as us being stupid, I read them as "Millenials are seeing through our bullshit consumerism!"

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I want to be at a gym when the power goes out and see everyone's treadmill stop at once

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If we recycled as much in real life as we do in this sub, the Earth would be a much greener place.

I mean me too thanks.

Small penises were considered ideal in ancient Rome and large penises unsightly, and you have to appreciate the tiny-dicked man who was able to get that trend going.

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Feeling bad for the guy having a Luau party in his backyard this weekend who put off buying those 15 tiki torches till the last minute.

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It's funny that people use 'hand made' as a sign of good quality when a machine is far less likely to make mistakes or have imperfections

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Knowing all the shortcuts in Excel is an adult equivalent of being great at Mortal Combat combos.

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Say no to Drugs. Say yes to drugs. Actually, if you are talking to drugs, it's already too late.

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Gender relations would be really different if boobs got full erections when she liked you .

... I remember thinking this 20 years ago and discussing with mates at high school. As you do.

I tip my hat to anyone who learns English as a 2nd language. I was born and raised here and still can't keep up

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Any time I lose home and cellular internet at the same time theres a minute or two where I consider that the world might be ending.

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The "Chocolate" episode of Spongebob teaches kids that dishonest sales tactics and false advertising will help you get ahead in the business world.

Even the guy born with glass bones and paper skin gets ahead by scamming them, though they quickly make up for their losses by the end.

The best way to acquire a taste for vegetarian pizza is to show up late to the meeting.

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I like how Texas Road House said what no one else could, "Fuck people with peanut allergies"

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Solar power is just nuclear power with the power source really far away.

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You're supposed to become a pro after 10,000 hours but i'm 250,000 hours into life and still have no idea what i'm doing.

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If we recycled as much as we do on this sub, the earth would be a much greener place

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Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it's under the desk in the other room.

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Condoms allow you to cheat both life and death simultaneously

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What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?

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How can marijuana be a gateway to harder drugs if it is classified as schedule I?

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The alt-right's protest of the removal of a confederacy statue has resulted in the removal of more confederacy statues.

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Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is the closest thing we will ever get to a family-friendly Saw movie

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If a hearse crashed into an ambulance it's possible that there could be one dead, one injured and nobody harmed all at the same time.

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I wish supermarkets posted recipes on their websites that you could just click and all the ingredients are added your basket

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My kid has no idea how many years before she was even born I've been training to say "Hi Hungry, I'm Dad"

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I didn't appreciate the variety of meals i used to eat as a kid, until I had to cook for myself.

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A nap is just a shortcut to your next meal.

... I might be a hobbit.

Target: the place where you pay just slightly more, so you don't have to shop at walmart

Target: the place where you pay just slightly more, so you don't have to shop at walmart

I thought I would never be the old guy but at 30 I already think snapchat is stupid and new rappers suck. It's happening.

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There are more nipples than humans

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If people had a daily limit on how much they could talk, they would probably think about things more carefully before speaking

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Every time a character dies on a TV show I feel bad for the actor who pretty much just got fired in front of us

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Depression is like being in the middle of the ocean without sight of land or a boat to get home in. What we need is medicine that gives us a boat, not one that makes us ok with being stuck in the middle of the fuckin ocean

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Freshmen starting high school this year will be learning about 9/11 as a historical event that took place before they were born

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I'm not anti-social, I'm pro-solitude

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Knowing magic isn't real makes magic tricks even more impressive

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I feel more naked when I'm naked with socks than when I'm naked without socks.

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The @ symbol stands for "at", when it really looks like it should stand for "around"

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Technically, because Earth is the 3rd closest planet to the sun, every problem is a third world problem.

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A chicken was hatched, raised in captivity, butchered and processed, distributed and cooked, so that I could drop it on the sidewalk walking home drunk from KFC.

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If someone tells you to "hold your horses," they're asking you to be stable

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The loss of your dog is exactly the kind of thing your dog would've helped you through.

Edit: this really blew up and I can't keep up. Thank you for all your kind words and I am so sorry for all of you that know what I am going through. Dogs are just the best friends that we don't deserve and losing them is always hard. Bonus pics

I just realized those of us born in middle class families spend a majority of our adult life just trying to get back to having the same things our parents did when we were children.. It's a cycle that is getting less attainable for each generation.

Kinda makes me sad and think we're wasting our lives.

Birthdays are like real life levelling up: At the start they're an importany and celebrated event, but towards the end they become less and less meaningful until they're only a trstament to how much time you've spent on the game.

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The biggest indicator of how I am feeling is how fast I go up the stairs

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85% of the Internet considers themselves an introvert and they are all outspoken about it

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In Moana the chicken has to be told not to eat rocks. Also in Moana.... The Rock has to be told not to eat the chicken.

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If you bred a seagull and an eagle, would it be a seagle or an eagull?

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For a song entitled "Piano Man" it sure does have a lot of harmonica.

Not that I'm complaining.

Brain surgery is just a bunch of brains trying to help another brain out.

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I just want to be "buy stuff for my hobby and not feel guilty" rich.

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If someone said "I'm a subpar golfer" I would have no idea whether they were good or bad...

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I think the ultimate threat a teenage girl could use against their mother is "I will turn you into a Grandma".

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We live in a world where GTA is a kid's game and Candy Crush is an adult's.

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The brain is the most complex thing ever, according to the brain. So complex that it can't understand itself or it's so stupid it can't understand itself. It's like the brain has told everyone that its so complex to hide the fact that it's stupid. Which is the smartest thing the brain has ever done.

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As a white male, I cannot buy any tiki torches for the rest of the summer.

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Antartica is an island with only a northern coast.

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Service dogs probably get jealous of regular dogs who are unemployed and spoiled.

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The next time you are doubting yourself just remember that somewhere there is a flat earther purchasing special glasses to watch the solar eclipse.

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Are deaf people terrified of trying to control a fart in public?

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Whenever I drive at the same speed as someone else on the highway for an extended period of time, I always develop a bond with that person. Once one of us breaks off, I can't help but wonder if they felt the same way.

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Given how large the human population is, in aggregate there has probably been a continuous fart happening for centuries.

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I used to trust lifeguards implicitly. But now I just wonder what the hell that 20-year-old little girl is going to be able to do if my fat ass is drowning at the bottom of the deep end.

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When it's raining, does anyone else look at other cars windshield wipers to see if you are overreacting?

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Milk is about 90% water, but if I pour milk into a wet glass it somehow becomes absolutely vile.

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The best Spotify ad would be silent with a picture so when it came on you would check why your music stopped and see the ad

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It's ironic that I'm losing sleep to pursue dreams.

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I suspect that the tiki torch industry is experiencing its first controversy ever.

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I wish I was "college student who doesn't have a job, but can afford to go to Europe for Spring break" rich

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The older I get the South Park adults become less of a joke and a more accurate portrayal of people.

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As a kid, I always wondered how adults could gather and do such boring things. Then I discovered alcohol.

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Pretending to be sober in public is like doing your best impression of yourself

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Isn't the best place to hide a body in a cemetery?

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The fastest way to ensure a species' survival is to make it a staple in the human diet.

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Every time I read that you should not use a cotton swab to clean your ears, I am reminded to go clean my ears... which I do, with cotton swabs.

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In the Cars universe, are taxis the car equivalent to prostitutes?

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I wish more people shared the same love I do for How It's Made

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I am in one of the last generations of people who were told, "You're not always going to have a calculator" in school.

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Watching an adult speedrun a game I had trouble with as a kid is like watching an adult beat up a childhood bully.

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Ancestry.com should consider offering free DNA testing at Neo-Nazi rallies to show participants where their heritage really comes from

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I wonder if my life insurance needs to know I like being strangled during sex? (NSFW)

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Billionaires are probably warning us about AIs because the first thing any sentient AI would do is warn us about Billionaires.

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I don't care what you're trying to sell me but if it pops up when I'm trying to click a link, you'll be sure I'm not buying it.

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Sometimes I take an earbud out just to make sure my phone hasn't somehow started playing the awful music I'm listening to on the main speaker

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Dogs will sneeze to prevent their rough-housing from escalating into something more serious. I do the same thing when I type "lol" or "haha".

I don't really care what you think haha

People sure do look forward to sleeping considering we're not even awake for it

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August is basically the Sunday of summer.

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I'm so lazy that if a fly sits on my monitor, I try to use the cursor to scare it away

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If you imagine the Universe without life. It's just a bunch of things doing things, without knowing that they are doing anything at all.

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People who have more items then allowed in the quick checkout line should have to pay $.25 (or more) per item over and the person behind them gets the credit.

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The best part about being a procrastinator is you always have something to do. Tomorrow.

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Do so many people have a hard time saying they're sorry because it was used as punishment when they were kids?

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Stopping bullets is actually fairly easy; not dying from stopping them is the problem.

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I put my music on shuffle and then get annoyed when it's not the song I want.

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Older science fiction often predicted that computers would turn into keyboards without physical screens, but instead we got screens without physical keyboards.

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I am convinced every microwave on earth is either brand new or at least 30 years old

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Jack might've survived the Titanic if Rose just stayed in the lifeboat. Then he could've just worried about saving himself.

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Toasters should have see through sides so we could check how much our bread is toasted without having to cancel it.

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My intestines and organs can operate perfectly my whole life without any external maintenance but if I don't brush my teeth for two weeks I get a bunch of cavities and tooth decay.

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We don't know how lucky we are that spiders don't hunt in packs for large prey.

Imagine waking up with a group of those bad boys making a web over you.

Also, there's a huge spider in my shower that I can't reach to kill. Send help.

The Google Doodle for August 21st should have the two O's slowly Eclipse each other as the day goes on

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Wax museums teach you surprisingly little about the history and development of wax.

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The internet was created to share information, and has evolved into a misinformation platform.

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Telling a depressed person to not be depressed because a certain blind person is not depressed is like telling a blind person to not be blind because a limbless person can see.

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My ego makes me think I can do anything, but thankfully my laziness stops me. Perfect balance.

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Using electricity from a wind farm to power a house fan is basically a teleporter for wind.

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When you mute your tv, it should automatically display closed captioning.

Edit: TIL some tvs have this option, sorry shower, we aren't millionaires today...

Between the threats of nuclear war and KKK rallies in Charlottesville, this past week has felt exactly like the 1960s.

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We are constantly going to die in 3-7 days. Then we eat and drink.

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I feel more naked when I'm wearing shoes while naked than when I'm naked.

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When self-driving cars become mainstream, mooning will probably make a huge comeback.

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Eyeballs and postage stamps are a lot alike, pretty much everyone uses them but if you make it a hobby to collect them suddenly you're the weird kid.

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FB managed to make birthday wishes almost totally meaningless

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The children's game "head, shoulders, knees and toes" was just an elaborate ruse to get kids to stretch.

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How fitting that "garage sale" is only 1 letter away from "garbage sale"

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People rarely think they have the ability to radically affect the future, but think that time travelling to the past can accidentally change the present.

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I never realized how much I swung my left wrist around and hit things with it until I started wearing a watch.

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Priests are professional storytellers. They literally get paid to read the same book over and over.

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Could we create more of an atmosphere on Mars by dimming the lights and playing some smooth jazz?

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When you forget your password, it would be much more helpful if the website told you whether they asked for numbers, capitals, symbols etc when you signed up

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I always wipe my ass until the paper is clean, but I'm very nervous if it's clean after just one wipe.

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The weirdest thing about Yu Gi Oh is that some kid is regularly being possessed by an ancient vengeful Egyptian spirit with a gambling problem yet none of his friends and family seem to care.

If I were that kid's grandfather I would be worried af.

Think about how lucky we are blinking doesn't make a noise.

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I wonder if receptionists at sperm banks ever say "Thanks for coming".

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I think Arnold Shcwarzenegger's tombstone should say "ill be back"

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When a woman on Tinder complains about guys just looking for sex, it's like someone visiting Italy and complaining that everyone eats pasta

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If 4 giant weapon wielding turtles, apparently trained in the martial arts, jumped out of the sewer while I was being mugged by a street gang, not going to lie.. I'd probably team up with the gang

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My wife is my favorite ex-girlfriend

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Ive heard Pineapple juice makes semen taste great, but semen makes pineapple juice taste awful

RIP Harris Wittles

The only thing I use pennies for is to keep people from giving me more pennies.

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I may be enjoying an app but the second I'm prompted to confirm this fact, it annoys me.

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When sticking your feet into sand, the whole Earth becomes your shoes.

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I use jump as a control all the time in video games but rarely in real life do I ever find the need to jump

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The effort that people must put into copying and pasting ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ from the internet really goes against the ethos of the shoulder shrug.

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If a superhero like batman were real, it would take 4chan less than a day to discover their secret identity.

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Intentionally trying to lose a game of "Rock, paper, scissors" is just as difficult as trying to win

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Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results isn't insanity. It's collecting sample data to estimate the population distribution.

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Weaponized cannabis would be the most humane military tactic ever developed. You could carpet an entire city in green haze then just waltz in and arrest the helplessly giggling bad guys while leaving snacks for all the civilians.

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I just realized the buttons on a PlayStation controller are numbered 1 through 4 because each shape has a unique number of sides. I feel stupid for only realizing this after 23 years.

A couple of people weren't sure what I mean. To clarify:

Circle = 1 line

X = 2 lines

Triangle = 3 lines

Square = 4 lines

Happy meal boxes were the 90's gaming loot boxes

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At 19 I had nothing in common and nothing to talk about with anyone past 24, but at 23 I'm throwing around dick jokes with 50-something co-workers and hanging out with a 19-year-old feels like babysitting.

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Whoever said money doesn't buy happiness probably never had to look at their bank account before filling up their car with gas.

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Congressman should have to wear jackets like the ones NASCAR drivers wear that are covered in their sponsors' logos.

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I wonder if the person who started the myth that gum stays in the body for seven years knows that they ruined countless pavements the world over.

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At least we can't blame millennials for killing the avocado industry

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You only know your age because someone told you.

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What if schizophrenics are actually just telepathically linked to other schizophrenics and they're hearing each others voices?

Or linked to themselves in parallel universes?

I get fatter and broker each time I don't take my lunch to work

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If the whole "penis size having something to do with shoe size" thing is true, then my crippling fear of clowns just got worse.

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Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually autistic, and everyone know it except me, and they've all agreed to just be nice to me and not tell me about it.

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Sanity is just the belief that the voice inside your head is yours.

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Despite what teachers told us, Wikipedia did end up being the most valuable resource for research.

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I wish I had "earlids" so I could just choose to stop hearing sometimes

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If both of our arms were on one side would we wear F-shirts?

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Every second mankind lives a collective 237 years.

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By always blaming Millenials, we are showing that our generation (which raised them) doesn't take responsibility for our problems.

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The people who take forever to text me back are the exact same people who are constantly looking at their phone whenever I'm around them

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People who randomly take the bus in the morning really fuck up the typical seating routines for the rest of the people who take it every day

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In The Matrix, people were stored in rows and columns. they were actually in a matrix...

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I heaven't seen any new pictures of bigfoot in a while. I hope he's ok.

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No water bottle company who uses low plastic bottles cares about the environment... they just see an opportunity to save money on plastic and make themselves look good simultaneously

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