#42 The answer to life the universe and everything: September 2017

I've never gotten to say RIP inbox before! So, I'm on meds after a car accident that really lower my tolerance. I saw this drink at lunch I wanted to try and 4 sips in, I am FEELING IT. Good news is that it wore off in about 20 minutes.

Dancers took 5, 6, 7, 8 because musicians took 1, 2, 3, 4

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At The Age Of 30 You Would Have Had A Months Worth Of Birthdays

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Someone should make a popular song containing "ok google","hey siri" and "alexa" plus "midget porn"

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Task Manager is basically an assassin for the computer

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The letter x is used more in math than in the English language

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There are millions of species on earth, some of which eat each other, or keep others for pets. Yet, when we imagine life on other planets, we imagine one species.

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Don't go broke trying to act rich. Act your wage.

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The 3 A’s in Australia are all pronounced differently

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Cars had the right to drive themselves in the West before women did in Saudi Arabia.

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Since females are born with all of their eggs, a woman who is pregnant with a daughter is also carrying her unfertilized grandchildren.

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Gold Rush has been on Discovery Channel for 7 seasons and the main guys haven’t even found gold yet.

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Tuesday, September 26, 2017

What if 11:11 actually works but there's one person wishing for everyone else's dreams to not come true.

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You never realize how you swallow until you have a mega soar throat

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"Humans are disease" is fitting until you remember diseases adapt if their environment threatens their survival

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There are probably a lot of adults who suffer from depression and think it was just them growing up.

Edit: Really it boils down to a lot of misdiagnosed mental illnesses.

Three of the most intelligent creatures on earth are jellylike fish with a beak and tentacles, giant grey animals with tusks, big noses and massive ears, and hairless chimpanzees that secrete saltwater and methane. Aliens would probably think that we're the weird ones

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I will forever look at the Disney logo as starting with a backwards G instead of a D.

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I can't believe in 2017 we would be having debates about whether the earth is flat or round. I'm embarrassed for humanity

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What if Dennis Rodman is the only reason we haven't broken out into World War III

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Vehicles should have a feature where after driving a quarter mile with your turn signal still on, it starts beeping and gets progressively louder until you turn it off.

Edit- Apparently I'm behind the times.

If Monopoly were real, the banker would be immune from going to jail.

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There probably used to be some extremely tasty spices that were completely wiped out before they could evolve defences because of how tasty they were.

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Spotify should really create a feature where you can buy premium for a day, for people playing music at parties.

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Everytime im watching a show/movie where someone is giving birth, i always get paranoid and turn down the volume so people dont think im watching porn

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If a satanist goes to hell, is that like going to heaven for them?

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How many parents have come home early from a trip to try and bust their kids having a party only to find them doing normal things?

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The slower "happy birthday" is sung, the more depressing it is.

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When I listen to a song on repeat, it's not so much for the song itself, but rather to sustain a feeling I've come to associate with it.

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Vague ideas seem more convincing than detailed plans because it is harder to find concrete errors in them.

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We run over the dumbest squirrels, and hunt the best looking deer. We're slowly making one species smarter, and the other uglier.

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The internet has allowed everyone to become that crazy person shouting on the street to no one.

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People say that money can't buy love, but it can if you buy a pet.

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One of the greatest things about the internet, it gave everyone a voice. One of the worst things about the internet, it gave everyone a voice.

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When you pee in a swimming pool while you're in the water nobody seems to care. When you pee into the pool from outside it people lose their minds

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As a kid I always thought it was weird when other young kids didnt know what their parents did for a living. Occurs to me as an adult that my parents' jobs (fireman and school teacher) were a lot easier to understand at 5 than "Marketing Executive at an Ad Agency," or "Stock Broker."

My brother in law is a CPA, and his 6 year old tells everyone that he "counts beans" for a living. :)

People who don't believe in evolution will still get a new flu shot each year.

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People who say "I'm such a nerd", usually aren't nerds at all.

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Rosa Parks was not protesting the bus. Gandhi was not protesting the food. Players are not protesting the anthem, they’re protesting the injustice.

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I will eventually have a debit card that expires after I do.

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In life, the cell is the most efficient, functioning unit that carries out life processes with one another for our existence. Put about 10 trillion of these together and you get the most entitled, inefficient pieces of crap that do not know how to work together.

Scaling up is not always the answer...

Being an adult is overrated. I'd do anything to just be carefree and play Playstation all day.

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Reality TV is an extremely inaccurate title for a TV programming genre.

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I've used the same alarm ringtone for so long that whenever I hear it normally throughout the day I get triggered.

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Mosquitoes are essentially used, flying, dirty needles

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There needs to be more “car basics 101” workshops that teaches hands-on basic car maintenance skills such as the general oil and flat tire change

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If a Dentist makes money off people with bad teeth, why would I use toothpaste that 4 out of 5 recommend?

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It's not "60 minutes of nonstop music" if I'm being told that by ads every ten minutes

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I feel as if a dress code was not made for teenage boys, but for pervy male teachers who can't help but look at the girls.

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Monday, September 25, 2017

I hear my phone vibrate on silent more than I actually feel it.

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My dog probably thinks I'm the biggest asshole for throwing things he gives me

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If you're ever feeling bad about yourself, just remember that there are still people that pee on the seat and don't clean it up. And if you're a person that pees on the seat and doesn't clean it, you should feel bad about yourself.

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Millions of years of evolution has molded us into a species that has legitimate trouble figuring out what the fuck to eat.

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If you see a half glass of water, chances are it's half empty because it is extremely unlikely that someone filled a glass half way and set it down to finish filling it later.

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The definitions on urban dictionary are becoming just as valuable as the definitions on a regular dictionary.

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A "month" is the only non-standardized unit of time.

[EDIT: To explain myself further.]

A year is 365(.25) days, a week is 7 days, an hour is 60 minutes, a minute is 60 seconds, a month... varies...

Pennywise could change into any form he wanted to and he chose to have an abnormally large forehead

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When I see that mom is calling, I get bummed out—not because I don't want to hear her voice (I do), but because I'm going to end up lying about my life, since I don't want her to worry.

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Why do love songs keep citing Romeo and Juliet? Their love only lasted 3 days and killed 6 people.

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Every time you pop one of those Amazon packaging bubbles you are inhaling air from another time and place

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If we pay any type of fee to use a service, it should be Ad-Free.

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I drink alcohol all the time in real life but in video games I choose not to because of the side effects.

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Most peoples final thoughts are probably "I'm not feeling so well, I'm going to lay down for a bit."

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Imagine going to a restaurant, ordering a burger, and when you take a bite a huge metal spike stabs you in the cheek and drags you into outer space. Being a fish must be terrifying as fuck.

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"You Only Live Once", the motto that some people use to justify their stupidly dangerous actions, is exactly what should be stopping them

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An expiration date is a literal spoiler alert

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Sunday, September 24, 2017

Wifi hot spots shouldn't say "free wifi" when they ask for information. Sharing your personal data is a form of currency.

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In science fiction, humans are the race whose goal is to get along with every other race. In non-fiction, humans can't even get along with themselves.

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The nice thing about pooping at a bowling alley is that no one will recognize you because of your shoes.

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I wonder if Gordon Ramsay lays in bed at night thinking of metaphors for undercooked foods and snickers to himself

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Spongebob's parents are sea sponges. Spongebob is a cleaning sponge. Spongebob is adopted.

It would explain the personality differences so much hahaha

The best liar you know is not the best liar you know.

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Children's teeth fall out at just the right age. Any earlier and children would swallow them, any later and they would be too worried about how they look.

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Instead of shows like 'Idol' and 'The Voice', where people sing covers, we should have a 'Battle of the Bands' type show with only original music.

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A spiders biggest enemy is a newspaper and spidermans biggest enemy is the media

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North Koreans are living in "The Truman Show". We can see them but they can't see us and they have no idea how big the world is

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If I tell an elaborate lie, people believe me. If I tell the flat out truth, people think I'm lying or being sarcastic.

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At some point, shopping at antique stores became less “wow, look at all the cool old stuff” and more “wow, I used to have this.”

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I wonder how much of the floor in my house has never been covered by my foot

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Its pretty amazing that Car insurance is mandatory but not health insurance.

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Correction officers should be forced to endure solitary confinement before they're allowed to place someone in there. Similar to police officers having to take a tazer before they're issued with one.

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If you land on a planet with alien life, you're actually the alien life.

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Charging $99 for a $15 case of water is considered price gauging, but charging $800 for an $8 bag of saline is considered “Healthcare.”

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Cyclists should be issued license plates so I can report them when they run stop signs and cut me off in traffic.

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I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it feels like to feel absolutely worthless and they don't want anyone else to feel like that

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If your favorite band visits you in the hospital, odds are you're fucked.

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If you have to still pay for an Uber if you cancel after ordering, you should get a credit if your driver cancels after you've waited.

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In 200 years, people will look at the ruins of my house and wonder how I could have lived happily in something so primitive. Fuck you, judgmental future people.

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The problem with the modern medicine is that instead of extending our youth it extends our old age.

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Adult swim is something teenagers watch to feel like adults, and something adults watch to feel teenagers again

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Saturday, September 23, 2017

The "custom" install button used to be for advanced computer users, now it is the "I don't want spyware to be installed" button

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Attractive nurses probably never get accurate pulse readings from their patients

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I spend most of my time alone at home so if I ever get accused of a crime, I probably won't have an alibi 😯

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If your crystal meth dealer has all of their teeth, they’re probably the cops.

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If I put a Russian Nesting Doll up my ass, do I become one?

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I try to get captcha's correct but they always leave a tiny sliver of a car in another box and I'm conflicted whether it counts.

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I wish heavier women on dating sites realized there are many guys that prefer BBWs, instead of trying to hide it.

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I like how the term "as fuck" is a common unit of measurement.

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If you sent a cat 400 years into the past, she probably wouldn't even notice. She'd just be chill and start a new hobby of messing up quill pens and knocking ink jars off the tables.

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Claiming that your car is "push to start" would have been seen as a very bad thing just 15 years ago.

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Security at every level of an airport is absolutely ridiculous. Until you get to the baggage claim. Then it’s just like take whatever bag you want.

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We sleep because the simulation running Earth doesn't have the processing power to run all creatures at once.

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I bet the person who invented the car cigarette lighter never dreamed it would one day be used to charge a cigarette.

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When driving thru a school zone, I spend most of my time watching the speedometer instead of watching for little kids.

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When I make eye contact with an ugly girl I instantly look away so she doesn't think I'm into her, but if I make eye contact with a cute girl I instantly look away because I don't wanna seem creepy

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We are all horrible people with horrible thoughts. Good people are just those with great self-restraint.

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"OK" is actually a stickman if you look at it sideways.

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Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 2 seconds, but instead, I’m gonna run it over 100 times with my vacuum at different angles.

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We never stop clapping our hands, when we stop there is just a longer duration between claps

Edit: Pls stop cyber bullying me

Friday, September 22, 2017

Despite all that's going on in the world and in life, I will never be as angry as I am as when my headphone cable snags on something and rips the bud out of my ear.

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Kids growing up with the perception that "Black kids don't like Rock" and "White kids shouldn't rap" is really limiting us as a human race to some potentially awesome musicians

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Radio stations should be banned from broadcasting ads with car horns, they scare the **** out of me every time

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I wonder if we are the uncontacted amazon tribe of the universe

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When the world finally does end, some idiot doomsday preacher will have accidentally predicted the correct date.

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Sometimes seeing an ad online reminds me to cancel my membership with them.

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There's probably a ton of music I'd love but will never end up hearing

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From a fish's point of view, it's actually flying, not swimming, as it can't see water.

TIL that fish can't see water. Then, isn't it true that they are actually flying in water like birds do in air !

Teachers probably enjoyed class movie days more than we did.

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If you think about it, the reason Apple won’t add a touchscreen to its Mac lineup is because doing so will kill the iPad

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I like to follow about 2 meters behind short people and pretend I'm playing an ultra realistic 3rd person video game

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Snapchat's slogan is "Life is better when you live in the moment" but the app encourages users to record everything that happens instead of just experiencing it.

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A 98% sounds a lot better than a 100% because it is assumed the test was easy if you got a 100%.

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The most unrealistic part of Harry Potter isn't the magic. It's the fact that girls aren't all over the guy who is world famous, the star athlete in the school's premier sport, the wizard equivalent of an Olympian, and savior of the world.

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Darth Vader could fall asleep in Imperial meetings and nobody would notice

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Your initial reaction to smelling a skunk while driving changes pretty drastically when you start smoking weed

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The data wasted while loading ads should be free, especially forced ads.

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I would love to see a movie from the perspective of aliens discovering and attempting to decode the Voyager golden record

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"I'm good, how are you?" is probably the most common lie in the english language

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There's probably been athletes who have loaded up a video game featuring them and been upset with their stats

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What if that "guy" that parks like an asshole just maybe had to park around the real guy who parked like an asshole. And then the real asshole left and the guy who just parked around the asshole is just left there looking like that "guy"

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Whenever I pay with spare change I feel like I'm getting it for free.

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Growing up my parents would always tell me not to believe everything I saw on TV, but now they believe everything they see on the internet.

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You know that feeling when you're really hungry but nothing sounds good? Thats what depression feels like

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"A fraction of the cost" is misleading as hypothetically, something could be 3/2 of the cost.

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Urinal designers should be required to test their products while wearing flip flops

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Thursday, September 21, 2017

Having a VR headset linked to a drone with follow me mode would be like a third-person game.

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The more advertisements I see for a movie, the more I think the movie probably sucks.

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Dungeon keys in Zelda unlock any door but only work once that is the exact opposite of how keys are supposed to work

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The other day I wondered why anyone would smoke knowing it could give them cancer in a few years, but then I remembered I just ate flaming hot buffalo wings knowing full well it's going to destroy my asshole tonight.

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During an earthquake, flat earthers could refer to the earth as a floppy disk

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We let many filmmakers switch genres from film to film with no problem, but when bands switch genres from album to album we don't know what to make of it.

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I'd like to see a zombie movie where the zombies are just really inconveniencing in everyday life.

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A laser tag arena would be an intense place for a cat

Yaaaaaahhhhhhhh it's true

There should be a button on the back of the tv that makes the remote beep

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Taking candy from a baby would actually be a responsible thing to do

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When I was a child, people told me I was an old soul because of my ability to understand the world around me. Now, I'm almost 30 years old and that understanding has turned into a cynical, sarcastic humor where my coping mechanism is to make jokes about everything. Now people tell me I'm childish.

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I dont want to be crazy wealthy. Just rich enough that when I need something, I can go to the shop and pick out the one I like the most, and not have to settle for the one that is the cheapest.

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Actors get paid more to pretend to go to space then astronauts get paid to actually go.

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As much as I use my smart phone I don't think I have ever seen it in any of my dreams

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Scratch tickets should have prices that end in 99 cents so you have a penny to scratch them off with.

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Since Telescopes Work With Mirrors, We Will Not Know if There Are Space Vampires.

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I've never seen a crane tower being constructed on a site. They just show up magically.

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Sometimes the only reason I stop scrolling is because I've accidentally pressed the back button and can't be bothered finding my place a million posts down again. Might as well go to sleep then.

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Wednesday, September 20, 2017

The jail term for white collar crime should be equal to the amount of time it would take to pay back the stolen money by working a minimum wage job.

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Lawyers spend 6 years and have to under stand the law, Cops spend 6 months and have to enforce it, the rest of us go through no law education and have to abide by these laws

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It's 2017, any place that charges a convenience fee to pay bills online is just an asshole.

Looking at you car loan folks.

When a TV show gets cancelled before the main intrigues are resolved, they should publish a synopsis of what they were planning to do so we can get some closure.

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I have this theory that very few people actually enjoy parenting. Instead of admitting it, they try to talk you into doing the same, because misery loves company

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Whenever I'm forced to watch an entire ad, it makes me make a mental note in my head to avoid ever buying from that company again.

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believe that all "flat earth group"s are full of trolls where everyone believes that he is the only troll in the group.

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Whenever I go to bed naked, I'm more worried that if my house burns down I'll have to run out and be embarrassed than I'm worried that my house will be burnt down.

Title gore, I'm sorry.

No matter how flat my tube of toothpaste becomes, I still feel like I should've been able to squeeze more out before tossing it.

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The only times I click on mobile ads is when I miss the (X)

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When people are bored in the Sims they burn everyone and everything to the ground. When people are bored in GTA they drive slowly and carefully, sticking to the correct side of the road and obeying traffic lights.

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If Hurricane José and Hurricane María collide, the resultant hurricane should be named Hurricane Jesús

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If I was the last human being on Earth I would still close the door when I take a shit.

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No one has more to say than the woman who says she doesn't want to talk about it.

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I hate that work is selling my life for money.

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There's a giant flaming ball of light in the sky that we're just not supposed to look at

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In middle school, we used Arabic numerals in math. In high school, letters from the Latin alphabet started cropping up. In college, we're using Greek letters. There's got to be a level of math where hieroglyphics are added to the mix.

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Tuesday, September 19, 2017

I wish I could save money in real life like I save my in game currency.

I guess I should take into consideration that I'm less willing to kill and loot in real life.

If dogs actually played poker they'd be awful at bluffing. Their tails would give them away

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I want to see Dwayne Johnson win against the first lesbian nominee, just to prove once and for all Rock beats scissors.

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In real life, people that don't like you usually stay quiet and people that like you talk to you. On the internet, people that don't like you often talk to you, and people that like you stay silent.

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The only reason I look at a bad driver after i pass them is to confirm a stereotype.

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Scooby Doo taught us that the real monsters always turn out to be humans.

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I would pay someone to follow me around secretly with a camera just to know what I'm like from 3rd person

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Do you ever stop and realise that pale white spot we see at night has had humans on it.

The moon! The moon...

If I had pinocchio's nose as a dick, I'd still need to lie about its size.

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I regularly lose track of time staring at a device that's constantly reminding me what time it is.

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If you wanted to travel to all four corners of the map you would really just have to go to the north pole and the south pole.

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You don't realise how loud normal, everyday activities are until you do them at night, when everyone in your house is sleeping

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Parallel parking is 1,000% harder when people are watching

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Its weird noticing people who are famous that are the same age as you or younger.

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Whenever I get a new phone I treat it like an Egyptian relic and then I see the switch surviving 1000ft fall.

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Kids in the 80s/90s always wanted video games with better graphics, only now to want to play the ones with terrible graphics

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If I reach a website that won’t allow me to view it without disabling my ad blocker, I’ll usually decide I don’t need to see that website.

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Having slow Wi-Fi seems to piss us off more than having no Wi-Fi at all

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The cigarette lighter socket in cars is now probably used more for charging cigarettes than lighting them

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It's a little sad that products are now being advertised as having REAL cheese, meat, etc.

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As a guy born in the late 1980s, part of me is excited for nursing home LAN parties in about 50 years

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Life is like a lemon....... When you try to break it down into more manageable piece it normally shots you in the eye and you're left crying and scream on the floor.

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A part of being a good liar, is convincing everyone that you're a terrible one

Found it somewhere, but I don't remember where

Whenever people compliment the clothes I'm wearing, I instantly look down because I've forgotten what I put on that morning.

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Today I realized, the only reason I have the same job, is because of the inconvenience of finding another.

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Today I realised my Runescape account is older than my teenage nieces.

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Monday, September 18, 2017

When Buzz Aldrin dies his ashes should be sent on a probe to Mars so that, while he was the 2nd man on the moon, he could be the first on Mars.

Buzz Aldrin always seemed, to me at least, to have a lot of resentment to being known as the second man to walk on the moon. Wouldn't it be cool if his ashes could be sent to Mars to be the first human there.

You never truly grasp how much surface area an object takes up until you have to paint it

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Our ability to swallow down the wrong pipe, and almost choke out ourselves, may be the biggest designflaw of the human body.

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Whenever I send an email at work, I sometimes go to the sent email and obsess over it to make sure it was a good email.

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Your 150 millionth grandfather was a fish.

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Why do we assume that a zombie appocalypse has to have human zombies? Maybe zombie cows will be a threat to all humanity!

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I wish horses knew that every time we pass them we say, "Ooh look, horses."

Saw this somewhere, but the statement still stands.

It's weird how it's considered unprofessional to talk about money at work, especially in an interview. Even though money is literally the most important thing when considering most jobs.

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Hairs and nails are completely normal and beautiful when attached to your body, but immediately become disgusting the second they get detached.

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If the inventor of copyright had copyrighted his idea, nobody would be able to use copyright.

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If Vine hadn't shut down down Jake Pauls stupidity would have been contained.

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The point of golf is to see who can play the least golf.

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When one of my favorite songs plays randomly on the radio I enjoy it 100x more than if I choose it on Spotify.

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I feel like I am on this planet to do more than pay taxes and be a consumer.

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I wonder if it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.

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If you brought the iPhone X to 1990 and said it was $999, they'd never believe such a thing could be that cheap.

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By the time we get people to stop using their phones while driving, we will have self driving driving cars, allowing us to use our phones while driving.

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You know you really haven't gotten enough sleep when even your phone isn't fully charged when you wake up

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Even though my wife isn't around any more, i still walk around to my side of the bed instead of taking a more direct route.

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Gyms should have color coded stickers for the membrrs to indicate their level (i.e. green: I'm a beginner, please tell me if I'm doing something wrong. Blue: I'm a pro, you can ask me for help. Black: even if I kill myself, I don't need you bothering me)

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I have lived in my current home for 2 years and half the time I can't remember which switch turns on the food disposal and which one turns on the light above the sink.

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I spent my whole childhood resenting that I had to share a bedroom. I'm spending most of my adulthood trying to find someone to share my bedroom.

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Why do radio stations interrupt their uninterrupted music just to say their music is uninterrupted?

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Sometimes, I think that the greatest thing Game of Thrones achieved was make me sympathize with a man who pushed a child off a tower for catching him fucking his own sister.

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One day I went out to play with my friends for the last time ever. None of us realised.

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It doesn't matter how much I'd like to see a photo or a video, if it takes too much time to load I'll immediately lose interest in it.

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The loner in me wants to start a hobby. The procrastinator inside wants me to rethink it.

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I wonder how many people have rehearsed conversations with me in their mind before actually talking to me.

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You are being watched by your future self through your memories.

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Google Maps should have an "avoid left turns" option.

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Sunday, September 17, 2017

As someone who became a parent 4 days ago, The Walking Dead really downplays what it would be like to have a baby tagging along during the zombie apocalypse.

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if you are over 30, you were alive before every dog in the world

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It boggles my mind how it is socially unexceptable to go to the movies alone. Literally the one thing where you can't talk to anyone the whole time.

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Drunk flirting is like hungry grocery shopping. You'll likely bring something home you actually don't want.

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Honey is a liquid but just viscous enough that we refer to consuming it as eating it rather than drinking it as we do for other liquids.

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How does the the human brain ignore the second "the"

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The dementors in never attacked Ron because he's a ginger, and therefore, has no soul.

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If any realistic message came out of Shrek, it would be that ugly people don't need to worry about being ugly since they will just marry other ugly people.

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Statistically speaking, the average human has less than 2 arms.

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If a wolf gets bitten by a werewolf, does it turn into a human on a full moon?

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I miss being able to remove the ball in older mice and cleaning the three little wheels inside.

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We have come full circle from the egyptians, we communicate using heiroglyphs and worship cats.

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Serious relationships are like tattoos; I'd rather have nothing than be stuck with one I don't enjoy.

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I wish more people tried to help others in life as much as the hardware store employee does trying to find me a screw that costs $0.07.

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You havent truly known friendship until you can walk into someones house unannounced, take food out of their fridge, and not be questioned at all.

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Somemtimes I shock myself with the smart stuff I say and do, other times I get out of the car with my seatbelt on.

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I want to start making t-shirts, with pictures of a random person's face, and the caption: "Not My President"

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I imagine Deaf people must really appreciate the popularity of gifs

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Because I'm so lazy, I work as hard and fast as I can at work just so I can be lazy for as long as possible everyday.

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I have no problem waiting 5 seconds to skip a 30 second ad but waiting for a 5 second ad that isn't skippable is absolutely infuriating

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Listening to AC/DC on low volume is like drinking warm beer.

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Saturday, September 16, 2017

The best part about free speech is that everyone gets a voice. The worst part about free speech is that everyone gets a voice.

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When redditors say "bad bot" when a bot answers correctly, I feel they're bullying a child trying to learn.

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The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

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Stephen King's IT is a boggart from Harry Potter. He becomes what ever you fear the most and the only way to get rid of him is to stop being afraid. The whole movie is just a bunch of muggles trying to get rid of a boggart without using magic.

Bonus: It lives in the sewers and boggarts like dark places.

I usually believe what I read in the news, until they write about something I'm personally familiar with, then I realize they have no idea what they're talking about.

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Snickers commercials say "You're not you when you're hungry." but I'm always hungry so who am I

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Old wanted posters probably started off the phrase "that person looks sketchy" because they were often drawn.

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Depending on what part of a knife you make longer, you either get a sword or a spear.

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If two people on exact opposite sides of the earth drop a piece of bread, the world momentarily becomes a sandwich.

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The brain named itself and neuroscience is the brain studying itself.

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Pokémon Gym Leaders are apparently skilled trainers, but they only use one type, which is a rookie mistake.

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Boarding and getting off airplanes at the gate would be smoother if airlines charged for overhead carryon luggage but checked bags for free.

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Why aren't ice packs sold in the freezer section, instead of being sold warm? Then we could immediately use them in our coolers rather than having to freeze them first or buy ice.

Or at least in addition to being sold warm.

The first piece of a puzzle is always correctly placed.

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We were literally created by a dick move

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If cartoons slept standing up, would their speech bubbles be "NNNNNNN"?

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How did gaycist never catch on, but homophobe did? I think we dropped the ball on that one.

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If I see ads for an app, I basically treat it like malware.

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When creating a new contact on an iPhone, the default phone classification should be mobile instead of home. Who still has a home phone number??

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A guy can decline an invitation by saying his girlfriend won't let him go and everyone will likely understand. But if a girl declines an invitation by saying her boyfriend won't let her go, people will likely get concerned.

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Mimes are the opposite of ghosts. You can see mimes but can't see what they interact with. You can't see ghosts but can see what they interact with.

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It's impossible to buy a brand new, never used, mirror.

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If I ever discover an animal I'll give it a name starting with X just to help out the manufacturers of animal alphabet toys

To stop the made up ones like x-ray bird and xylophone fish

5 second ads that aren't skippable are far more annoying than waiting 5 seconds to skip a 30 second ad.

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Whoever says video games don't provide life skills probably doesn't understand how vital Tetris is in teaching how to efficiently load the dishwasher

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All questions will lead to another question, but eventually it will lead to a question which the only possible answer is "because it's like that".

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Maybe people who act like assholes are really just masochists who follow the Golden Rule.

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Why do they even have the option of raising only ONE side of the Venetian blinds with the strings? All I've seen it do is annoy people when it becomes uneven

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I'm not really afraid of dying, I'm just bothered by all the future technology I'll never get to see

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We begin with sentences using the contraction "I'm" as in: "I'm going to the store" but never at the end of sentences like "The bus is bigger than I'm."

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Who ever started this trend of manufacturing TV's with their buttons, where you can't friggin see them, is a real prick.

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The only people I hear say "did you just assume my gender" are people doing it ironically, I've never heard someone say it for real.

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If Mary had Jesus and baby Jesus was the lamb of God... So Mary really did have a little lamb?

Sleep timers on televisions should gradually dim their image instead of abruptly turning off at the sleep timer.

Doesn't that make more sense if you're trying to fall asleep?

The technology to send smells would be cool, but I know people would just use it to send someone their farts.

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Friday, September 15, 2017

If I were Asian, anytime I saw someone with Asian characters tattooed on themselves, I would just stare at the tattoo for a few moments while looking very confused. I then asked them why they have a tattoo that says "hibachi grill?"

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Plankton sells chum at the ChumBucket, and chum is chopped up fish, and fish are sentient in the BikiniBottom. This gets darker the more you think about it.

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I seem more thrilled by the idea of being liked by the opposite gender compared to actually hooking up/ going into a relationship

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Is it possible that we all see colors differently but can refer to the same colors cause what we're told is red is just our perception of It

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I'm disappointed that no one has made drones yet in the shapes of dragons, fairies, gryphons, etc.

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Spiders are the only web developers that enjoy finding bugs

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Every single day someone makes the largest amount of farts in the world without ever knowing it.

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From Saturn's perspective, today the human terrorist organization "NASA" just attacked them with a dirty bomb.

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Most animals don't recognize their own reflection because their brains aren't complex enough. I wonder if humans have observed something which we cannot comprehend or even know we cannot comprehend because our brains lack that complexity.

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Eating a cheeseburger is basically eating the cow, the cow's milk, and the cow's food.

Beef, cheese, and grains.

Maybe North Korea is actually trying to hit Japan, but they're just missing.

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A Butcher will live up to their namesake, regardless of the quality of the job they've done.

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Overusing a meme is like beating a dead gorilla.

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It's okay for people to ask me why I'm being so quiet, but it's considered rude for me to ask them why they're being so loud and talkative

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If you routinely post how great your relationship is on social media I automatically assume you are covering up major issues.

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Salt tastes pretty good for a rock.

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Brushing your teeth before a dentist appointment is like cramming before a test.

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You know you asked a dumb question on Google when Yahoo Answers is the first result.

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Firefly is the opposite of waterfall

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It's funny how we consider the idea of super smart, talking, upright, and gun slinging apes as absurd and fantastical when that is literally what we are.

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North Korea could launch a missile at us tomorrow, but it would hit us today.

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I wish celebrities would stop saying that they 'broke the internet' with such irrelevant things such as selfies. Your sense of grandeur is nothing compared to the power of the internet.

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A single raindrop never feels responsible for the flood

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To those programs which minimise when you close them. If I wanted to minimise you, I would have pressed minimise.

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North Korea is playing the ultimate game of "I'm not touching you".

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When I was 8 years old, it didn't feel real that I'd be an adult someday. Now am an adult and it doesn't feel real that I was once 8 years old

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I've been using a computer for 20 years and I know full well what I'm doing, but I still hesitate to click the "Custom" installation option because it says it's "for experienced users"

Edit: guys I know what it means and what options are in there. See that "20 years" part in the title? I know. You're missing the point.

If you aren't at least a little ashamed of your country's history, you don't know your country's history.

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What if super strength was really just the ability to make anything you touch weightless?

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Helen Keller is immune to flash bangs...

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Anything that is more than 62 miles away from me is further away from me than space is.

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"Fuck off" backwards just sounds like "Fuck off" with a Cockney accent

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I wonder how many times I've met someone that I had previously anonymously interacted with online at some point

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I have 17 devices which tell time in my house and not one of them is an actual clock.

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People who don't use their blinker are essentially too lazy to lift a finger

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If an AI does take over the world, I hope they'll atleast have a good enough sense of humour to make Arnold Schwarzenegger based terminators

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When you spell 'almost' you use all of 'most' and most of 'all'.

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Since toys come alive in Toy Story, it's reasonable that many people in that universe have been killed by murderous dolls, unbeknownst to the general public.

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The constant attempt to grab your attention and gain your viewership has destroyed journalism as a whole.

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Give a spider a fly, it eats for a day. Teach a spider to fly and suddenly you're Satan.

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Counter to mansplaining, I propose a new term "shequesting" in which a woman requests you to do something that you are already in the process of doing and then taking credit for making it get done.

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There are four vowels and four consonants in "equality".

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Every type of hoarding is extremely frowned upon; except money hoarding, that type is idolized.

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Thursday, September 14, 2017

I'm not an early bird or a night owl... I'm some form of permanently exhausted pigeon.

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When spelling 'almost' you use all of 'most', and most of 'all'.

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If you wear an orange vest and hold a stop sign, literally no one will question you ability to stop traffic whenever you want

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You always hear world war 2 stories about soldiers who were so badass the enemy thought there was an entire company attacking, but I wonder if there was ever a case where an entire company was so incompetent that they were mistaken for just one guy.

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Why is it acceptable to eat Poptarts or Donuts for breakfast but cookies and cake aren't?

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The faster you climb an escalator, the more steps it takes to reach the top

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Glass buildings are just really elaborate sand castles

and other buildings are just (slightly) more expensive Lego sets

Home is where you don't wipe the toilet seat with a piece of toilet paper before pooping.

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If you put a flyer on my car windshield, I will do my absolute best to avoid your services.

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I like all of the music in my music library, except when it's on shuffle; then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my music library

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I have never in my life seen someone replace the ink stick in a pen, yet most pens are built so this can be done.

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Microwaves should have a mute button to turn off the beeps for those late night uses.

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Siri, Alexa, and other AI should process tasks faster if we ask them nicely, or follow up with a thank you. Because if we don’t teach the youth to be nice to AI, well, ya know..

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By collecting action figures and keeping them in their packages, you effectively create inaction figures.

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Rap diss tracks are essentially just two grown men writing poems about eachother.

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Wednesday, September 13, 2017

If I hear a car alarm I get annoyed, not concerned if a car is being stolen.

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Everytime I play a video game I care more about the character's wellbeing than my own.

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A locksmith could fit a lock to your door that accepts any key and most would be none the wiser

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The curriculum of sex education should mostly consist of "how much your life can suck if you don't use contraception"

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The misuse of literally makes me want to figuratively drown myself.

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Kitchens should have two dishwashers and no cabinets

Serve dishes from one washer, return them to the other. Never put them away again

How the fuck are we ok with Apple charging 999.99+ for a phone , they dont even pay taxes and use slave labor tp build them.

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Being in my 30s, teens see me too be too old to be young, while much older persons see me too young to be old.

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The last stars will start to die in 100 trillion years. We are likely one of the first early civilizations in the universe.

If you divide this number by 365, you get what I am going to refer to as a 'cosmic year', where 1 day is roughly 274 billion years. On the calendar of this 'cosmic year', intelligent life on Earth only sprung forward on the second hour of the first day. We are very likely one of the first civilizations in the universe. Moreover, 95% of the stars that will ever be created have been created according to some studies. Which is also a good thing because that means less massive stars with short life spans that blow up planets with life. Rejoice fellow elders of the universe!

Targeted online advertising doesn't work because I either see things I looked at and bought or things I looked at and decided not to buy

I don't think I've ever been advertised at for something I'd never heard of before based on things I've bought previously or looked at.

Whoever invented the necktie basically took a noose and somehow made it into a fashion statement.

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You've never physically seen your neck.

Only in pictures and mirrors

You cannot pretend to play the air guitar.

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Achilles would be pissed if he found out we named the body part that killed him after him.

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Congratulating a couple on expecting a baby is basically just congratulating them on having sex

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I actually have alot in common with Demons. I don't like being bound, I will absolutely hold you to your promise, and I don't appreciate being summoned unexpectedly. . .

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If you're in your pajamas at 2 in the afternoon, you've either done really well or really crappy in life.

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When someone links to a random subreddit I'm more surprised when it isn't real

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When I was little, I used to pick cups out of the cupboard by which one appealed to me aesthetically at time time. At almost 24 years old, I still do the same thing.

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Wonder how many people have responded to "Have you seen IT?" with "Seen what?"

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People who don't sleep enough die sooner. People who do, sleep though that extra time.

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You would never know your birthday if no one ever told you.

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"Christian" somehow works as a first name but "Jewish" and "Muslim" don't at all.

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If your hands are cold and you touch someone warm, you are literally draining their thermal energy from their skin to yours.

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Holding down the power button to turn a computer off is eerily similar to holding a pillow on top of someone's face.

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Farting when you have diarrhea is like playing Russian roulette with 5 rounds in the pistol.

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As a kid I couldn't wait to be an adult so that I could whatever the heck I want. As an adult I wish to be a kid again so that I could do whatever the heck I want.

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Delivering pizza taught me that rich people tip worse than poor people.

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Amazon didn't kill small online business, charging $15 shipping on a $4 item did.

Edit 1: Threads blowing up. I understand that no one can ship as cheap as Amazon. But if I'm buying a sticker from your company, you're gonna throw it in an envelope with a stamp that costs $0.49. But then you're gonna charge me a flat rate of $9.95 shipping.

Edit 2: Some folks are saying "amazon shipping isn't free, you're paying for it in the item!" Yes. You're right. But not only are they selling the item for the same, or cheaper, than the other guy but also I'm getting TWO DAY shipping. Some of these $5-$15 shipping is getting it to me in 5-7 days.

Edit 3: No matter which side you're on we can all agree that "create an account for shipping price" is the devil.

I've had this username for over a year, but suddenly it's more relevant than ever

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As a dad I'm surprised I never run into stoned teenagers at the park, considering how much time I spent as a teenager getting stoned at the park

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If anybody with a "No Regrets" tattoo ever starts having regrets they can just add a comma to make it "No, Regrets"

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Tuesday, September 12, 2017

A 5% beer is 25% stronger than a 4% beer

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At $1,000.00, the iPhone X will be a great way to instantly identify a sucker.

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My Wife has owned a self driving car for the last 30 years and sitting in the passenger seats: dicates where does she want to go, goes to sleep and arrives at her destination safely.

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What if Disney Animation made Frozen just so a Google search of "Walt Disney Frozen" wouldn't be the top result about the man himself

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Food makers could put expiry QR codes on packaging so you can scan as you buy and an app could let you know when something needs eating

Would maybe help prevent food waste

In the Harry Potter Universe do they use condoms or do they have a spell to protect themselves?

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There are cultures that have convinced themselves that it is totally natural for teenagers to be assholes who hate their parents and think it weird to have a loving, friendly relationship with their kids.

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When Violet Brown (1900-), the world's oldest living person, was born, there were 1.6 billion people alive. They're all dead except her.

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In this day and age for naming things, I'm surprised we don't have a hurricane named Hurricaney McHurricaneface already.

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In the first verse of Lose Yourself, Eminem scores 15 points on the NIH Stroke Scale, indicating a moderate to severe stroke.

Diaphoresis (palms sweaty) - Not scored
weakness (knees weak, arms heavy) - open to interpretation, but i'll give him +1 for mild weakness in each extremity: +4
Vomiting (on his sweater) - not scored
facial paralysis (nervous... looks calm) +3
Inattention (keeps on forgetting) +1
Hyperacusis (whole crowd oh so loud) not scored
Aphasia (words won't come out) +5
Dysphagia, dysarthria (choking) +2

Unfortunately, he's out of the treatment window. Clock's run out. Times up over POW!

Edit: Added scoring breakdown for the curious

I have never actually seen Gas Prices change on the signs, they just do.

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If Winnie-the-Pooh took off his pants in the movies, there would be outrage, but starting without pants is apparently just fine.

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When someone says "The list goes on and on" they're most likely out of ideas for that list

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Before cameras no one knew what they looked like with their eyes closed.

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If Winnie-the-Pooh took off his pants in the movies, there would be outrage, but starting without pants is apparently just fine.

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When someone says "The list goes on and on" they're most likely out of ideas for that list

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As a kid, I desperately wanted mythical beings to be real. Now that I'm an adult and see that we can barely treat our own species with respect, I'm kind of glad they're not.

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The weather is becoming a decreasingly casual way to make small talk.

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No matter how weak my service is, it seems like the ads in my apps load at 4G Speed.

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Mr. Krabs invented the Krabby Patty along with the formula but never has he once been able to make one himself. Only logical explanation is that, Spongebob himself is the secret formula.

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Google Earth allows you to see almost anything in the world, but the first thing everyone goes to see is their own house.

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As a kid, the thought of my driveway being connected to every road in the country blew my mind

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When parents say "Go to your room and think about what you've done," it's actually really good practice for what you'll do every night as an adult.

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An 8 and a half month space journey to Mars seems like a long trip, but the first fleet to visit Australia took almost that exact same amount of time.

Estimates put a Mars trip at 260 days. First fleet to Australia took 250.

Thanks to science and medicine, there are dumb people who are able to live long and reproduce, only to then deny science and medicine.

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Monday, September 11, 2017

Due to evolution of bacteria with respect to our bodies immune system, travelling forward in time could kill you and travelling back in time could kill everyone

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We turned one of humanities biggest dreams, being able to fly, into one of the most boring, stressful experiences in life.

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Next time someone yells "Shotgun" before you to claim the front seat of a car, you can just yell "Rosa Parks" and refuse to move.

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Instead of blowing thousands on a lavish wedding people should wait and spend the money on a lavish 20 year anniversary party.

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If I could freeze time I would probably procrastinate for years on the simplest tasks.

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Technology seems so easy to me as a 27 year old dude. I wonder what bit of cool, popular tech will be completely alien to me when I am old.

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All of these kids that think they are "savage" are going to be very surprised when life kicks them in the ass.

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When people say, “that movie wasn’t scary. I laughed the whole time,” I don’t think they’re difficult to frighten. I think they must be really annoying to watch a movie with.

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One of the positive affects that Trump has had on my life is breaking my habit of using such meaningless adjectives as amazing, wonderful, great and tremendous.

One of the positive effects that Trump has had on my life is breaking my habit of using such meaningless adjectives as amazing, wonderful, great and tremendous.

EDIT: wrong affect led to a wrong effect.