Saturday, September 30, 2017
Where tf do hamsters live outside of pet stores?
If only websites would put up their password requirements after entering in the wrong password 3 times
It would save me on the number of password resets I have to do....
It is impossible to dig only half a hole
2020 sounds so futuristic... yet it’s less than 3 years away
In a mirror, you can only kiss yourself on the lips
Elon Musk seems to be turning into the real life Tony Stark
The leaning tower of Pisa is a regular building just in italics
Friday, September 29, 2017
The backwards of Neil Armstrong is Gnorts Mr Alien
Neil Armstrong is an alien.
Edit: He is INDEED an alien. An alien to the moon! (mind blown)
Colleges will spend millions on their sports teams, but can't spend the extra two dollars to get decent toilet paper in the bathroom
Okay, admittedly it was a toilet thought but, still counts?
Teenagers drive like they don't have a lot of time, yet elderly people drive like they have all the time in the world.
Just something I was thinking earlier today.
In a mirror, you can only kiss yourself on the lips.
Thursday, September 28, 2017
Strap-on spelt backwards is 'No parts'
Makes sense
Trains are just boring rollercoasters
When humans first walk on Mars, the news will talk about the first time humans have set foot on another planet. Some people, thinking the moon is a planet, will "correct" them on social media and give us a fresh goldmine of confident stupidity.
Wednesday, September 27, 2017
Zero has no value but it gives value to other numbers
EDIT: Zero has zero value but it gives value to other numbers
If you're drunk at noon, you're either living very well, or very poorly.
I've never gotten to say RIP inbox before! So, I'm on meds after a car accident that really lower my tolerance. I saw this drink at lunch I wanted to try and 4 sips in, I am FEELING IT. Good news is that it wore off in about 20 minutes.
Dancers took 5, 6, 7, 8 because musicians took 1, 2, 3, 4
At The Age Of 30 You Would Have Had A Months Worth Of Birthdays
Task Manager is basically an assassin for the computer
The letter x is used more in math than in the English language
Don't go broke trying to act rich. Act your wage.
The 3 A’s in Australia are all pronounced differently
Tuesday, September 26, 2017
There are probably a lot of adults who suffer from depression and think it was just them growing up.
Edit: Really it boils down to a lot of misdiagnosed mental illnesses.
Three of the most intelligent creatures on earth are jellylike fish with a beak and tentacles, giant grey animals with tusks, big noses and massive ears, and hairless chimpanzees that secrete saltwater and methane. Aliens would probably think that we're the weird ones
Vehicles should have a feature where after driving a quarter mile with your turn signal still on, it starts beeping and gets progressively louder until you turn it off.
Edit- Apparently I'm behind the times.
The slower "happy birthday" is sung, the more depressing it is.
As a kid I always thought it was weird when other young kids didnt know what their parents did for a living. Occurs to me as an adult that my parents' jobs (fireman and school teacher) were a lot easier to understand at 5 than "Marketing Executive at an Ad Agency," or "Stock Broker."
My brother in law is a CPA, and his 6 year old tells everyone that he "counts beans" for a living. :)
People who say "I'm such a nerd", usually aren't nerds at all.
I will eventually have a debit card that expires after I do.
In life, the cell is the most efficient, functioning unit that carries out life processes with one another for our existence. Put about 10 trillion of these together and you get the most entitled, inefficient pieces of crap that do not know how to work together.
Scaling up is not always the answer...
Mosquitoes are essentially used, flying, dirty needles
Monday, September 25, 2017
I hear my phone vibrate on silent more than I actually feel it.
If you're ever feeling bad about yourself, just remember that there are still people that pee on the seat and don't clean it up. And if you're a person that pees on the seat and doesn't clean it, you should feel bad about yourself.
A "month" is the only non-standardized unit of time.
[EDIT: To explain myself further.]
A year is 365(.25) days, a week is 7 days, an hour is 60 minutes, a minute is 60 seconds, a month... varies...
An expiration date is a literal spoiler alert
Sunday, September 24, 2017
Spongebob's parents are sea sponges. Spongebob is a cleaning sponge. Spongebob is adopted.
It would explain the personality differences so much hahaha
The best liar you know is not the best liar you know.
Saturday, September 23, 2017
If I put a Russian Nesting Doll up my ass, do I become one?
I like how the term "as fuck" is a common unit of measurement.
"OK" is actually a stickman if you look at it sideways.
We never stop clapping our hands, when we stop there is just a longer duration between claps
Edit: Pls stop cyber bullying me
Friday, September 22, 2017
I wonder if we are the uncontacted amazon tribe of the universe
From a fish's point of view, it's actually flying, not swimming, as it can't see water.
TIL that fish can't see water. Then, isn't it true that they are actually flying in water like birds do in air !
Teachers probably enjoyed class movie days more than we did.
The most unrealistic part of Harry Potter isn't the magic. It's the fact that girls aren't all over the guy who is world famous, the star athlete in the school's premier sport, the wizard equivalent of an Olympian, and savior of the world.
What if that "guy" that parks like an asshole just maybe had to park around the real guy who parked like an asshole. And then the real asshole left and the guy who just parked around the asshole is just left there looking like that "guy"
Thursday, September 21, 2017
A laser tag arena would be an intense place for a cat
Yaaaaaahhhhhhhh it's true
When I was a child, people told me I was an old soul because of my ability to understand the world around me. Now, I'm almost 30 years old and that understanding has turned into a cynical, sarcastic humor where my coping mechanism is to make jokes about everything. Now people tell me I'm childish.
Wednesday, September 20, 2017
It's 2017, any place that charges a convenience fee to pay bills online is just an asshole.
Looking at you car loan folks.
The only times I click on mobile ads is when I miss the (X)
I hate that work is selling my life for money.
In middle school, we used Arabic numerals in math. In high school, letters from the Latin alphabet started cropping up. In college, we're using Greek letters. There's got to be a level of math where hieroglyphics are added to the mix.
Tuesday, September 19, 2017
I wish I could save money in real life like I save my in game currency.
I guess I should take into consideration that I'm less willing to kill and loot in real life.
Do you ever stop and realise that pale white spot we see at night has had humans on it.
The moon! The moon...
Parallel parking is 1,000% harder when people are watching
A part of being a good liar, is convincing everyone that you're a terrible one
Found it somewhere, but I don't remember where
Monday, September 18, 2017
When Buzz Aldrin dies his ashes should be sent on a probe to Mars so that, while he was the 2nd man on the moon, he could be the first on Mars.
Buzz Aldrin always seemed, to me at least, to have a lot of resentment to being known as the second man to walk on the moon. Wouldn't it be cool if his ashes could be sent to Mars to be the first human there.
Your 150 millionth grandfather was a fish.
I wish horses knew that every time we pass them we say, "Ooh look, horses."
Saw this somewhere, but the statement still stands.
The point of golf is to see who can play the least golf.
Gyms should have color coded stickers for the membrrs to indicate their level (i.e. green: I'm a beginner, please tell me if I'm doing something wrong. Blue: I'm a pro, you can ask me for help. Black: even if I kill myself, I don't need you bothering me)
You are being watched by your future self through your memories.
Google Maps should have an "avoid left turns" option.
Sunday, September 17, 2017
How does the the human brain ignore the second "the"
Statistically speaking, the average human has less than 2 arms.
Listening to AC/DC on low volume is like drinking warm beer.
Saturday, September 16, 2017
Stephen King's IT is a boggart from Harry Potter. He becomes what ever you fear the most and the only way to get rid of him is to stop being afraid. The whole movie is just a bunch of muggles trying to get rid of a boggart without using magic.
Bonus: It lives in the sewers and boggarts like dark places.
Why aren't ice packs sold in the freezer section, instead of being sold warm? Then we could immediately use them in our coolers rather than having to freeze them first or buy ice.
Or at least in addition to being sold warm.
The first piece of a puzzle is always correctly placed.
We were literally created by a dick move
If I see ads for an app, I basically treat it like malware.
It's impossible to buy a brand new, never used, mirror.
If I ever discover an animal I'll give it a name starting with X just to help out the manufacturers of animal alphabet toys
To stop the made up ones like x-ray bird and xylophone fish
Sleep timers on televisions should gradually dim their image instead of abruptly turning off at the sleep timer.
Doesn't that make more sense if you're trying to fall asleep?
Friday, September 15, 2017
If I were Asian, anytime I saw someone with Asian characters tattooed on themselves, I would just stare at the tattoo for a few moments while looking very confused. I then asked them why they have a tattoo that says "hibachi grill?"
Spiders are the only web developers that enjoy finding bugs
Most animals don't recognize their own reflection because their brains aren't complex enough. I wonder if humans have observed something which we cannot comprehend or even know we cannot comprehend because our brains lack that complexity.
Eating a cheeseburger is basically eating the cow, the cow's milk, and the cow's food.
Beef, cheese, and grains.
Overusing a meme is like beating a dead gorilla.
Salt tastes pretty good for a rock.
Firefly is the opposite of waterfall
A single raindrop never feels responsible for the flood
I've been using a computer for 20 years and I know full well what I'm doing, but I still hesitate to click the "Custom" installation option because it says it's "for experienced users"
Edit: guys I know what it means and what options are in there. See that "20 years" part in the title? I know. You're missing the point.
Helen Keller is immune to flash bangs...
When you spell 'almost' you use all of 'most' and most of 'all'.
There are four vowels and four consonants in "equality".
Thursday, September 14, 2017
When spelling 'almost' you use all of 'most', and most of 'all'.
You always hear world war 2 stories about soldiers who were so badass the enemy thought there was an entire company attacking, but I wonder if there was ever a case where an entire company was so incompetent that they were mistaken for just one guy.
Glass buildings are just really elaborate sand castles
and other buildings are just (slightly) more expensive Lego sets
Wednesday, September 13, 2017
Kitchens should have two dishwashers and no cabinets
Serve dishes from one washer, return them to the other. Never put them away again
The last stars will start to die in 100 trillion years. We are likely one of the first early civilizations in the universe.
If you divide this number by 365, you get what I am going to refer to as a 'cosmic year', where 1 day is roughly 274 billion years. On the calendar of this 'cosmic year', intelligent life on Earth only sprung forward on the second hour of the first day. We are very likely one of the first civilizations in the universe. Moreover, 95% of the stars that will ever be created have been created according to some studies. Which is also a good thing because that means less massive stars with short life spans that blow up planets with life. Rejoice fellow elders of the universe!
Targeted online advertising doesn't work because I either see things I looked at and bought or things I looked at and decided not to buy
I don't think I've ever been advertised at for something I'd never heard of before based on things I've bought previously or looked at.
You've never physically seen your neck.
Only in pictures and mirrors
You cannot pretend to play the air guitar.
You would never know your birthday if no one ever told you.
Amazon didn't kill small online business, charging $15 shipping on a $4 item did.
Edit 1: Threads blowing up. I understand that no one can ship as cheap as Amazon. But if I'm buying a sticker from your company, you're gonna throw it in an envelope with a stamp that costs $0.49. But then you're gonna charge me a flat rate of $9.95 shipping.
Edit 2: Some folks are saying "amazon shipping isn't free, you're paying for it in the item!" Yes. You're right. But not only are they selling the item for the same, or cheaper, than the other guy but also I'm getting TWO DAY shipping. Some of these $5-$15 shipping is getting it to me in 5-7 days.
Edit 3: No matter which side you're on we can all agree that "create an account for shipping price" is the devil.
Tuesday, September 12, 2017
A 5% beer is 25% stronger than a 4% beer
Food makers could put expiry QR codes on packaging so you can scan as you buy and an app could let you know when something needs eating
Would maybe help prevent food waste
In the first verse of Lose Yourself, Eminem scores 15 points on the NIH Stroke Scale, indicating a moderate to severe stroke.
-
Diaphoresis (palms sweaty) - Not scored
-
weakness (knees weak, arms heavy) - open to interpretation, but i'll give him +1 for mild weakness in each extremity: +4
-
Vomiting (on his sweater) - not scored
-
facial paralysis (nervous... looks calm) +3
-
Inattention (keeps on forgetting) +1
-
Hyperacusis (whole crowd oh so loud) not scored
-
Aphasia (words won't come out) +5
-
Dysphagia, dysarthria (choking) +2
Unfortunately, he's out of the treatment window. Clock's run out. Times up over POW!
Edit: Added scoring breakdown for the curious
An 8 and a half month space journey to Mars seems like a long trip, but the first fleet to visit Australia took almost that exact same amount of time.
Estimates put a Mars trip at 260 days. First fleet to Australia took 250.
Monday, September 11, 2017
You hate your alarm both when it works and when it doesn't
David Attenborough’s documentaries will, at some point, be considered history documentaries rather than ‘nature’.
Assuming climate change, evolution etcetera.
It's really ironic that I mostly use my driver's license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
Ps. posted this while drnuk driving
Toys from Toy Story should be able to speak fluent Chinese.
A piece of paper gets heavier as you write on it.
One of the positive affects that Trump has had on my life is breaking my habit of using such meaningless adjectives as amazing, wonderful, great and tremendous.
One of the positive effects that Trump has had on my life is breaking my habit of using such meaningless adjectives as amazing, wonderful, great and tremendous.
EDIT: wrong affect led to a wrong effect.
Curiosity killed the cat but it's one of the only things keeping suicidal people alive.
You never know if things might change and get better...
Scuba divers are just upside-down astronauts.
Sunday, September 10, 2017
If age taught me one thing its: Days are long, years are short.
People complain about reposts but fail to realize that they may of never seen some posts if it wasn't reposted in the first place
Edit: may have*
Sorry, English is not my first language