Thursday, November 30, 2017

If Congress was paid the Federal minimum wage the minimum wage would be a lot higher.

No text found

Whenever you see [removed] you feel like you missed somthing super interesting and amazing.

No text found

Cheat codes use to be shorter; now they are 16 digits long, 4 more for an expiration date, and 3 digit CVV

No text found

So much great porn goes unwatched due to poor thumbnail choices

No text found

Being a new parent is like raiding a dungeon you’re slightly under-leveled for, but you grind it out anyway.

No text found

We should do to the diamond industry what we've done to EA. Diamonds are worthless. Blood diamonds kill.

No text found

Maybe the Flat Earth people are using reverse psychology to get a free trip to space to be proven wrong.

No text found

Frogs are mostly mouth, but with just enough leg to throw the mouth at food.

No text found

There's no biological need for a penis to be able to fit in a mouth. It's just a happy coincidence

No text found

Fleeing from police is like choosing the double or nothing option.

No text found

The Police sing songs about a stalker, a man lost at sea and a teacher having sex with his student. All situations that would be investigated by the police

No text found

Remember When Teachers Used to Say, "You won't be walking around with a calculator in your pocket"...Well, Look at us now.

No text found

All zoos are petting zoos if you aren't a bitch

No text found

Fitbits are nearly the same as Tamagotchies. The only difference is that the stupid little creature you need to keep alive is yourself.

No text found

When people talk about traveling to the past, they worry about changing the present by doing small things, but pretty much no one in the present thinks that they can change the future by doing something small.

No text found

Micro-transactions used to cost 25¢ each, but that was fine when we weren't required to buy the whole arcade machine first.

No text found

Whoever coined the phrase "dad bod" missed a golden opportunity to redefine "father figure"

No text found

You say jizz every time you say oranges.

No text found

Whoever made the feature that tells you how long until the alarm goes off on your smartphone immediately after you set it deserves a medal

No text found

At this rate, the winner of “Best Picture” will just be whatever movie had the fewest sex criminals associated with it.

No text found

Kevin Hart & Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is today's equivalent of Danny DeVito & Arnold Schwarzenegger

No text found

Props to all the Assassins whose job is only to make sure there are piles of hay next to all the high places.

No text found

What if Santa Claus is actually real and our parents just give us presents to hide the fact that we are on the naughty list?

No text found

Waldo wears stripes because he doesn't want to be spotted

No text found

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Historically speaking, the good guys never lose the war.

No text found

The first person to hear a parrot speak probably spent a good while questioning his sanity

No text found

A lot of people confuse left and right, but no one ever confuses up and down.

No text found

Is depression 9x heavier on Jupiter?

No text found

A snowman is a body of water.

No text found

It is acceptable to ask a tall person to grab things for you off the top shelf but it is not acceptable to ask short people to pick things up off the ground.

No text found

"Trickle-down economics" is basically a nice way of saying "the working class eats the scraps from the table of the upper class."

No text found

What if AI evolves to the point of having its own online communities, with captchas that require you to prove you're a robot?

No text found

What do people who say 'prepping' instead of 'preparing' do with all that extra free time?

No text found

We are doing to animals on earth exactly what we fear aliens would do to us

No text found

However true or deep a meme may be, if it's got grammatical errors it instantly makes all those who shared it look dumb.

No text found

When you drink a bottle of liquor, both you and the bottle are getting drunk

No text found

Wizards smoke out of long pipes so that they dont set their long beards on fire

No text found

Good music is just vibrations in the correct order.

No text found

If someone is only 25% British, then does that make them Brit-ish?

No text found

Peeing in public is only forbidden if you open your pants

No text found

The amount of people who will die before you do is constantly decreasing, and will eventually hit 0.

No text found

Seals are like mermaids for dogs

No text found

Pregnant women are literally body builders

No text found

If you want people to think about what you just said, just say 'no pun intended' at the end of the sentence.

No text found

Tall people are expected to use their reach to help shorter people, but if a tall person were to ask a short person to hand them something they dropped on the floor it'd be insulting

No text found

EA did to Star Wars what we were worried Disney could do to it.

No text found

Sanity is just the belief that the voice inside your head is your own.

No text found

What if Elon Musk is a time traveler from the future who is getting rich by pretending to invent future technology, but is also warning us about the future deadly killer robot wars that caused him to flee to the past in the first place?

"What if Elon Musk is a time traveler from the future who is getting rich by pretending to invent future technology, but is also warning us about the future deadly killer robot wars that caused him to flee to the past in the first place?" - Not my thought, but it is great so I thought I'd share, source: comment on youtube clip - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nONx_dgr55I - screenshot of comment: http://ift.tt/2jt5cML



Nillionaire is a fancier way of saying that you are broke

No text found

If Dick's Sporting Goods ever needs some money, they can probably sell their domain Dicks.com for a good profit.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Chick-Fil-A should acquire Waffle House... then we would have the ultimate chicken and waffle experience

No text found

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

If therapy was as affordable and available as medication, we would all be better off.

No text found

The more you study mathematics, the less important numbers actually become.

No text found

Maybe North Korea has been trying to hit somebody this whole time, they just play off their misses as "tests"

No text found

What bosses and workers have in common is that they both think the other one is the one doing nothing.

No text found

Mom was right. Warped Tour was just a phase.

No text found

If companies actually hired millennials to explain what millennials think and help market to them, they probably wouldn't be "ruining" so many industries

And as an added bonus, more millennials would have jobs!



If bread goes bad we throw it away, If bananas go bad we make bread out of them

No text found

Onion rings and French fries are deep fried binary.

No text found

It's considered inhumane to keep a severely disabled/diseased animal alive but not for a human.

No text found

When Prince Harry goes to a strip club, he stuffs pictures of his granny into strippers' underwear

No text found

Celebrities can’t use internet dating sites because everyone would just think they were a bot

No text found

A good slogan for optometrists would be, "we specialize in special eyes"

No text found

Snails and slugs would be the scariest things ever if they were very fast.

No text found

If you had a child at 18, who then joined the military at 18, your child could be retired with a pension before you are 60 years old.

No text found

Does anyone feel like Black Friday/Cyber Monday are just retailers waving their markups in consumer's faces?

No text found

When deleting apps on an iPhone, they shake because they are afraid of being deleted.

No text found

TL;DR itself exists because no one wants to read "Too Long; Didn't Read"

No text found

If only GTA had an option to put the seatbelt on, the character wouldn’t toss out of the car every time in case of a big collision.

No text found

99% of history must be basically total BS if you can't even get current news without bias.

No text found

Today, “handmade” is a badge of honor on many products. Two centuries ago, “factory made” must have been highly coveted.

No text found

We say "Bow and arrow", but nobody says "Gun and bullet"

No text found

There should be Confetti in Tires so when there is a blow out it's still kind of an okay day

No text found

Monday, November 27, 2017

Everyone hates Mondays because it’s the day you have to go back to work. But Mondays are sometimes long weekends. Tuesdays are the real bastards. You never get Tuesdays off.

No text found

There are three types of people in the world: People who are happy they bought Bitcoin, people who wish they had bought Bitcoin and people who are waiting for the whole thing to blow up so they can laugh at the first two people.

No text found

In the Cars universe, everyone goes around with the equivalent of their Social Security Number stapled to their ass.

No text found

Nightmares are just free horror movies that you produce, direct and star in.

No text found

Ads should have an "already bought it" button so you can stop the product from being advertised.

No text found

Chuck E. Cheese is a casino for children, packed with roulette wheels and slot machines

No text found

When someone gets a nose bleed in a movie it’s ominous that they either have cancer or are telepathic. When someone gets a nose bleed irl it’s because the air is dry or they pick their nose.

No text found

There should be a law forcing executive salaries to be within a certain percentage of the average pay of those beneath them, weighted by the number of employees beneath them. That way, to raise your own salary, you would have to find some way to optimize pay for those beneath you as well.

No text found

If identical twin sisters become pregnant from the same guy then their kids will be full siblings genetically speaking.

No text found

Going up the stairs 2 steps at a time is a piece of cake. Going down them 2 steps at a time is a terrifying experience.

No text found

rudolph the red nosed reindeer is a song about deviation from the norm being punished unless it can be exploited

happy holidays !



No matter how far in life you fall, you'll always be more successful than a fucking wireless printer.

No text found

When you say 'Forward' or Back', your lips move in those direction.

No text found

Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.

No text found

Whenever someone is found to have “died peacefully in their sleep”, it’s entirely possible they woke up in severe pain and then died

No text found

As kids, we worried about strangers on the internet finding us in real life. Now we worry about people in real life finding us on the internet.

No text found

Some movies have codes so you can have a digital copy as well as a physical one. Books should have codes that you can redeem on your kindle so you can read it digitally.

No text found

Magneto can make Wolverine suck his dick.

On second thought, Magneto can make Wolverine suck everybody's dick.



Soon games will advertise "No DLC/Microtransactions" just like food advertises "No trans fats"

No text found

What if the reason Kenny's parents are so poor is because they have to keep paying for funerals

Funerals aren't cheap.



People who poo on the toilet seats walk among us every day and we don't even know who they are

No text found

Sunday, November 26, 2017

When a guy gets married in his 20s, his bachelor party is for him. When a guy gets married in his 30s, his bachelor party is for all of his married friends.

No text found

It's disappointing that Colgate University isn't a dental college.

No text found

Public restrooms should always have music playing loud enough to at least partially drown out the bathroom sounds. It would make the whole experience significantly better

No text found

The kind of women who demand respect simply by dint of the fact that they're a mother, or who look down on other women for being childless, are probably the ones who neglect their children the most.

No text found

People are excited to get a job but dread going to work.

No text found

In real life, if you are following a person or checking their daily actions/events, that would make you a stalker. On social media, if you are following a person or checking their daily actions/events, that would make you a fan

No text found

If a zombie gets bitten by a vampire he will become a vampire or the vampire will become a zombie?

No text found

Bats are angels to mice.

No text found

We always say "stupid autocorrect" but never give it positive feedback for the 97% of the work it does.

And for that I'd like to say, goid job autocorrect!



Amazon needs a hide purchase option so families with a shared account can buy gifts for each other

No text found

If humans didn't exist there would be no one on earth to appreciate how cute otters are

No text found

If there are only 2 hairdressers in your town, choose the one with the worst haircut

No text found

GameStop, where you either get 1 game for $60 or $1 for 60 games.

No text found

Why are 'Shampoo' and 'Conditioner' always the most difficult text on the bottle to spot?

No text found

Swiss army knives are like 8% knife

No text found

Cooties is a child friendly metaphor for STD’s

No text found

If someone hit you with a knockout punch while you were sleeping, would you wake up and get knocked out or would you stay asleep?

No text found

There should be a Bon Jovi cover band with a banjo player named Banjovi.

No text found

When you're alone in a busy coffee shop, you should be able to switch a little indicating light at your table that lets people know that anyone can join the other seat at your table.

No text found

Telling someone "you shouldn't be unhappy because someone else has it worse" is the same as saying "you shouldn't be happy because someone else has it better"

No text found

In High School, you can know multiple people for 12 years and not know a single thing about them.

No text found

The worst feeling ever is waking up in the morning, getting out of bed, getting dressed, eating breakfast, and getting on your way. Then realizing you're still in bed, sleepy as fuck, and were just imagining doing that.

No text found

Swimming is like going to an alternate dimension where you can fly but can't breath.

No text found

Websites with ridiculous password requirements should list those requirements in the "forgot password" section.

No text found

No one has ever been in an empty room.

No text found

Saturday, November 25, 2017

If a genie granting you wishes says you can’t wish for more wishes, just wish for more wish granting genies.

No text found

A broken clock is right twice a day, but a working clock could be wrong all day.

No text found

The first person to suck in helium probably thought there voice was forever changed for a scary 20 seconds or so.

Edit: Their!



Some of us are still It from childhood games of tag

No text found

In Monsters Inc. the most respected people in society are factory workers.

No text found

If kids were taught so that they understand, they would release more dopamine and become hooked to it. Instead we expect them to do unrewarding things such a memorization and let them associate learning with frustration.

No text found

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” should be updated to “don’t judge a book by its movie”

No text found

MTV Cribs should do a follow up so we can see where the people on there live now that their careers have tanked.

No text found

If you win a years worth of calendars, do you only win one calendar?

No text found

When we were kids, we were told that sexual jokes are for adults. When we grow up, we're told that it's childish.

No text found

The kitchen is the only place you can say "behind you with a knife" and its cool

No text found

Nothing embodies "fake it till you make it" like sleep

No text found

When an earthquake occurs, coffins become huge underground maracas.

No text found

Given what we know about serial killers and their usually abusive childhoods, Harry Potter was more likely to turn out like Voldemort than the hero he became.

No text found

We look at ruined castles and think they’re picturesque, but to a medieval person that view would be post-apocalyptic.

No text found

If you sat on a voodoo doll of yourself, would you be able to get back up?

No text found

Cellphones ruined walkie talkies being badass gifts

No text found

Alexa needs a setting that requires please and thank you, so the kids can practice being polite.

No text found

Feed a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, feed a man a poisoned fish and he'll eat for the rest of his life.

No text found

Calling someone "sick" could either be an insult, a compliment, or a description depending on your tone.

No text found

Do you ever wonder what your dog named you?

No text found

There’s nothing quite as flattering as a dog straining its owner’s leash to come be pet by you.

No text found

You know how we could save a lot of water? Automatic flush toilets that don't unnecessarily flush three times during one use.

No text found

Friday, November 24, 2017

We need to put smart cars on the back burner for a little bit and make smart traffic lights.

No text found

All national anthems are country music

No text found

All sizes of TVs look the same size when advertised online. They should add a banana for scale.

No text found

If you know 7 year olds who play Minecraft, they weren't even born when it was officially released.

No text found

Thanksgiving is probably the holiday that ends in the least sex.

With everyone bloated and tired and cranky from family.



Video game cheat codes are now your credit card number.

No text found

You can save 100% by staying home on Black Friday

No text found

The sounds of nature are just a chorus of animals screaming “let’s fuck!”

No text found

Subreddits that autoban you for commenting in a competing subreddit should be banned from the frontpage.

No text found

We are told as adults that work-life and home-life should be separated. However, all throughout our childhood we are required to do "homework".

No text found

When you're tired at night, everything's funny. When you're tired in the morning, nothing's funny.

No text found

For people who still pronounce the '#' symbol as "pound" rather than "hashtag", all of the "#metoo" posts about sexual abuse must seem rather odd.

No text found

Do you know that tingly sensation you get when you really like someone? That is common sense, leaving your body.

No text found

Black Friday is when you realize you are too poor to buy things, even with a discount.

No text found

Nerf is literally a weapons manufacturer for children

No text found

The mere act of being a spider is a crime punishable by death.

No text found

Every man who's shaved their testicles has the potential to be a heart surgeon.

Concentration levels at maximum capacity



We're really lucky that blinking doesn't make a noise.

No text found

Y'know, Def Leppard is the safest music to air drum to while driving because you can always keep one hand on the steering wheel.

No text found

We laugh at Aquaman for being useless, but he's king of 70% of the world.

No text found

When we say "The 20s," we think of the 1920s. In only 3 years, that phrase of reference will be renewed.

No text found

Society has become so fake that the truth actually bothers people.

No text found

Louis CK built a comedy career talking about how he was a messed up, unattractive serial masturbator and people laughed and he was beloved for his raw honesty - until it was revealed he was being honest and then people were disgusted at him.

No text found

Stores should have livestream feeds into their cameras during Black Friday so we can all watch the chaos from the saftey of our homes.

No text found

We could all agree the disappointment once "ice ice baby" comes on the radio thinking it's "Under Pressure".

No text found

Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.

No text found

Thursday, November 23, 2017

Harry Potter was recently translated into its 80th language. What if it became a kind of "Rosetta Stone" to future archeologists?

No text found

The thought that “when you marry someone, you marry their whole family” is most true around the holidays.

No text found

It seems like the people always calling millennials easily offended are the same people who flip out over Starbucks holiday design cups every year.

No text found

You aren’t actually dying the minute you are born. The definition of dying is when more cells are dying off than are being replaced and this happens once you hit 26. So you aren’t actually dying until you are 26 years old

No text found

It’s fucked up that our eyelids aren’t thick enough so that if we shut them in the daytime it’s pitch black. What the hell, evolution

No text found

If you invented the internet, then you can own and restrict it. If you didn’t, then you benefitted from a public good that we all paid for, so fuck off.

No text found

You will survive all the things that happen in your life, except one.

No text found

Thanksgiving is holiday where we're thankful for everything that we already have but the very next day, Black Friday, is a day where we trample and stampede each other for the things that we don't have

No text found

Churches are just really successful book clubs.

No text found

When people see Ajit Pai in public it’d be funny if they blocked him until he paid 4.99

No text found

If the Earth is flat, how is it a global conspiracy?

No text found

People talk about how nice some actors are in real life as if it is something special, but that is just how a human should act like

No text found

What if every antivaxxer is just really scared to get their shots and is ashamed about it?

No text found

If you think businesses should be closed on Thanksgiving so people can be with their families, but you go to a restaurant or shopping... you are the problem.

No text found

What if lawyers had their own theme song played, when they enter court for a case

Like wrestlers, when they enter the ring



Technically, a search and rescue helicopter is a search engine.

No text found

One day, that “secret family recipe” will just be that recipe their ancestor looked up online years ago and everybody liked.

No text found

What's the point of a democracy if every decision that affects the citizens is made without the citizens?

No text found

The human body is technically capable of reproduction at 12, but the brain hasn't stopped fully developing before you're 25. Mentally you're most likely to not be ready to be a father at 25, but physically, you'd be old enough to be someone's grandfather.

No text found

Smartphones should be smart enough to recognize an upcoming holiday and ask if you REALLY need your alarm to go off as early as a regular work day.

No text found

What if a vampire created Welcome mats as a loophole to get into homes without being invited.

No text found

What if every bug you see in your house actually is on a rescue mission to simply look for the last bug that went inside and never came back?

No text found

If pornhub would join us in good fight today we'd finally have the awareness needed to address this serious matter.

No text found

There should be a subreddit where only certified 60+ year old redditors are allowed to comment. To answer questions and offer advice on life.

No text found

What if the asteroid that hit earth and killed the dinosaurs was a UFO and we’re aliens

Not sure if this was posted here already, but my friend told me and I thought it was mind blowing



The best way to save money on Black Friday is to not buy useless shit just because it's on special. You don't need it, and it's not that good of a deal.

No text found

Drones getting stuck in trees is this generation’s version of kites getting stuck in trees.

Source: got my drone stuck in a tree today.



If you listen to most Tom and Jerry cartoons without watching, it's just a bunch musician that can't decide what to play.

No text found

Mario is just an Italian dude on mushrooms who invades a guy's home again and again and tries to kill him and abduct his girlfriend.

No text found

Childhood is just the 'free trial' edition of life. When it ends you have to pay for the full version or else you'll lose everything.

No text found

It’s 2017, we have vehicles that can pilot themselves through complex urban centres at high rates of speed, is it too much to ask for a robot that can wash and put away laundry?

No text found

The fact that everybody carried all their school stuff in backpacks for the first eighteen plus years of their life is probably why back problems are so prevalent.

No text found

Because of Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates, the average net worth of a Harvard dropout is $100 million dollars.

No text found

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

The front pocket on a 'hoodie' is basically a widely used, discreet, and acceptable version of a 'fanny pack'

No text found

When people say you look better with a beard, they are saying you look better when more of your face is covered...

No text found

Eminem should have been taken more seriously all those years ago when he warned how the FCC wouldn't let him be.

No text found

Calling someone “the one that got away” is either really romantic, or very creepy

No text found

A parked police car on the side of the road with no one in it is the equivalent to a scarecrow for speeding drivers

No text found

John wick is Neo if he had taken the blue pill

No text found

People who say " If you have nothing to hide then you have nothing to fear" should have random cavity searches, you know, for everyone's safety.

No text found

If Millennials aren't getting married, eventually they will be blamed for destroying the divorce lawyer market

No text found

If Millennials aren't getting married, eventually they will be blamed for destroying the divorce lawyer market

No text found

Froot loops are just gay Cheerios

No text found

It's ironic how star wars managed to cause an actual rebellion against a game developer

No text found

How many plants did people smoke before they found the right ones?

No text found

Spongebob should have said he survived out of water the longest of anyone in Bikini Bottom when asked how tough he was at the Salty Spittoon.

Edit: I do not know how this is trending, I am sorry people! I am just over here laughing my ass off reading the comments.



When you wake up at exactly 4:04 in the morning it may be a case of the "night errors".

No text found

Taxing students on their scholarships and exemptions is really fucked up

No text found

What if bacteria have been manipulating the human race this whole time to build rockets so that THEY can colonise other planets?

No text found

The fact that "access to every website" could become a paid option is horrifying.

No text found

Today is the day the whole internet agreed on something.

No text found

We were literally created by a dick move.

No text found

College is like a reverse job; you pay people so you can work

No text found

Statistically 100% of World Wars are caused by Austrians

No text found

Everyone has a different bar they imagine every time they hear a "x walked into a bar" joke.

No text found

New Year’s Eve 2017 will be the only day when every adult was born in the 1900’s, and every minor was born in the 2000’s.

No text found

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Every year, house arrest becomes slightly less severe of a punishment.

No text found

Fake phone numbers in movies should be voicemail lines that just advertise upcoming movies

No text found

It’s normal for people to get a new pet when their old one dies, but it would be weird if people adopted new family members when they died.

No text found

Chris Hanson from to catch a predator should host all the Hollywood award shows this year.

No text found

PornHub should buffer each video with 5 seconds of loud rock music to give viewers a chance to disconnect their phone from the Bluetooth speaker.

No text found

Your alarm tone should be randomized every morning so you don’t get conditioned to hate the sound

No text found

If Germany is the Fatherland, and Russia is the Motherland, then they've had one hell of a custody battle over Poland

No text found

If we all agreed to stop ironing, creases would become the new global norm allowing humanity to free itself from the tyrannical grip of the iron industry forever.

No text found

The oldest person in 2150 may already be alive.

No text found

Calling in "sick" to work just to play video games is the adult equivalent to a ditch day.

No text found

By the rules set in Aladdin you could actually get unlimited wishes by turning other people into Genies and getting 3 more wishes

In Aladdin they established that you cannot wish for more wishes. However, they also showed that a person can make a wish to turn someone into a Genie when Jafar was tricked into wishing for just that.

Therefore with 3 wishes you could; 1. I wish for x 2. I wish Jasmine were turned into a Genie 3. I wish for your freedom Pick up Jasmine's lamp 1. I wish for x 2. I wish the Sultan were turned into a Genie 3. I wish for your freedom Rinse and repeat



They say clothes leave more to the imagination, but a bare skeleton leaves everything to the imagination

No text found

We think of noon as midday, but most people have an afternoon that is significantly longer than their morning.

No text found

People say that feathers on dinosaurs makes them less awesome because they’re big birds until you imagine how terrifying a giant eagle or hawk would be.

No text found

If ants make up 15% of terrestrial biomass and can lift up to 10 times their body weight, they should be able to collectively lift all other animals on Earth.

No text found

Buying a shirt with a large brand logo is like paying the company to advertise for them

No text found

If net neutrality gets revoked, it could essentially add microtransactions to the internet.

No text found

Theaters should have an adults only showing of certain kids movies so we can watch films like The Incredibles 2 without all the screaming kids

No text found

If you live in North Korea and things go south, its actually pretty good

No text found

If there is truly only one person in the world meant for each of us, chances are for most of us, our one person is in China or India.

No text found

The scariest thought of being immortal is outliving the earth.

No text found

“Meatball” is probabaly the laziest named food after “Orange”.

No text found

If Star Wars actually happened a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, we might be able to watch it through a telescope.

No text found

If we make it to mars, all of the problems on earth will be first world problems

No text found

"Heck" is a combination of "hell" and "fuck", yet it is less vulgar than both.

No text found

The target audience for the Incredibles 2 is a generation that was not alive when the original came out.

It is set to come out next summer and everyone who remembers watching the first movie as a child (when it came out) will be an adult when the sequel comes out.

Imagine traveling back in time and visiting your younger self and telling them that they can't see the sequel until adulthood



Dog heaven is squirrel hell

No text found

If you don't understand net neutrality, consider all the times you've been blocked from watching a video due to your location. It's that but based on your wallet.

No text found

The only difference between bands and solo artists is whether the instrumentalists get credited or not.

No text found

"DON'T TOUCH!" must be terrifying to read in braille.

No text found

A straight male might never get to see another man's erected penis in person; that's why we base our average size on pornstars.

No text found

Life is like a RPG, only difference is when you reach the highest level your character gets deleted.

No text found

If we had Thanksgiving music, we wouldn't have to listen to Mariah Carey for 2 months nonstop

No text found

The fact that ‘Mirror’ isn’t a palindrome is a missed opportunity

No text found

Human teeth: First pair's free, second pair too, 3rd pair'll cost ya.

No text found

In the Zootopia universe, advertising something as 'bite-sized' wouldn't actually tell you much about that thing's size.

No text found

Rather than saying that a band has broken up, we should say that they've disbanded.

No text found

The surface on most planets is breathtaking.

No text found

Monday, November 20, 2017

Snakes are just tails with faces.

No text found

People using self checkout at stores should be given a discount as they don't use staff time (usually)

No text found

If you lose your left arm, your right will be left and you'll be all right.

No text found

Life is like a box of chocolates - it looks like you have all the choices at the beginning, but once everyone who is more important than you has had their turn, all that's left is the shit nobody wants

No text found

Realizing that kids today aren't even impressed by Charles Manson because he only killed 7 people.

No text found

Getting woken up in the middle of the night to your baby laughing/giggling in a seperate room is more terrifying than if the baby was crying

No text found

Instagram sounds more like a quick drug order and delivery service than for photos.

No text found

U.S. laws should have a mandatory 10 yr. review to see if the law implemented has benefited society or damaged it.

No text found

Teachers should be asking students to write short 1-page essays and dock them points for not being concise instead of requiring long 4-page essays. In everyday life, no one likes to read a wall of text.

The real skill is in knowing how to make your point understood in the least number of words.



Getting kids to believe in Santa Claus is the greatest and most elaborate practical joke of all time. Every single year billions of adults band together and do their best to deceive an entire generation.

No text found

In LOTR, "Looks like meat's back on the menu, boys!" Implies that Orcs know what a menu is, and have been to a restaurant.

No text found

‪If most animals don't recognize their own reflection because their brains aren't complex enough, there could be a chance humans observe things we cannot comprehend and don’t know we cannot comprehend because our brains lack that complexity.

No text found

You can put "fuck", or "fucking" pretty fucking much fucking anywhere in a fucking sentence and fucking still be grammatically fucking correct

No text found

Jerky is more like an animal cracker than animal crackers are.

No text found

How did cats aquire such a fond taste for fish if they're afraid of the water

No text found

Tobacco companies are killing their best customers, while condom companies are killing their future customers.

No text found

Charles Manson only had to serve 1 of his 9 consecutive life sentences.

No text found

If you choose not to have kids, you're literally breaking a family tradition that goes back millions of years.

No text found

Taking a dog to the dog park is like dropping a teenager off at a party. You think they're gonna spend quality time with their peers and make new best friends. They're just thinking about getting in fights and humping each other.

No text found

Are people named Bob born or do they just come into existence at age 40?

No text found

There might have been a slave owner who purchased an abundance of slaves so that other slave owners couldn’t subject these slaves to horrible lives. If there was such a person, history would probably remember him in a negative light for owning so many slaves.

No text found

Do you think anyone has ever slapped Dawyne Johnson's ass and made a joke about hitting rock bottom?

Title



When you're a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you're an adult, they're considered immature.

No text found

Bill Gates sinking a few billion dollars into lobbying for net neutrality would probably do more long lasting good than almost any other auditable cause

No text found

Cops are like strippers; they can touch you but you can’t touch them.

No text found

No one has ever clicked on a link and said "this article would be better if it was a slideshow."

No text found

Sunday, November 19, 2017

The same adults making fun of millennials for participation trophies are the same adults calling themselves CEOs for selling makeup online

No text found

We live in the only era that has fat poor people.

No text found

It is very possible that at some point Tarzan tried to mate with a gorrila.

No text found

You can go your entire life without drinking water or eating.

No text found

It doesn't matter if you're gay or straight, you still probably find 95% of people unattractive.

No text found

Its common for babies to fall asleep and wake up in different locations all the time, but as an adult the idea of that happening is terrifying.

No text found

People who constantly brag about their ancestors are like potatoes- the only good part about them is underground

No text found

If we could literally be bored to death, the world would be a lot more interesting.

No text found

If an uphill battle is hard, and things going downhill are things going wrong, apparently there are no good hills.

No text found

“Guess The Subreddit” would be a fun game.

No text found

If humans recycled like redditors reposted, the world would be a much better place.

No text found

The people who ‘don’t care where we eat’ also happen to be the pickiest

No text found

If you drive with your high beams on constantly because you're too cheap to fix your low beam bulbs, fuck you

No text found

Batman is essentially a Pay2Win Superhero

No text found

It's pretty rare to use an entire pen without losing it first. On the other hand, It's pretty common to find a pen already out of ink, so it's a paradox in a way.

No text found

Urban Dictionary is nice, but Urban Thesaurus would be even better.

No text found

There are probably a plethora of people with tattoos of Hollywood stars just dreading the day they find out they're rapists.

No text found

One of the most annoying things in life is having your headphones being ripped out of your ear by getting it snagged on something

No text found

You'll always be no more than 12,451 miles from anywhere on Earth. So when they tell you the world is a big place just look at the mileage on your car.

No text found

The iPhone X is more expensive than 2 humans in Libya

No text found

Millions of people read hateful comments every day, while millions of pets are unaware of compliments they are getting on the Internet.

No text found

People with bad spelling might have the best passwords.

paswurd231



When you park your car, you literally leave your most expensive possession lying out in the road.

No text found

"please pay $5 to unlock this character" is basically what would happen to the entire Internet without net neutrality.

No text found

Saturday, November 18, 2017

They should send out another probe in the direction of voyager so when it gets too far for the signal to reach earth, the new probe will still be within “earshot” and it’ll relay the signal back to Earth. Much like a wifi range extender.

No text found

The fact that the location of the world’s oldest tree has to be kept secret encapsulates everything that’s bad about humanity.

No text found

Mars as far as we know, is the only planet entirely populated by robots..

No text found

If snakes lost their legs for giving Adam and Eve the apple of enlightenment, clams must have really fucked up.

No text found

The best way to get people to join the battle for net neutrality is to tell people they might have to pay extra for porn sites

No text found

If a stopped clock is right twice daily, then a heart of a dead person is doing what its supposed to do half the time

No text found

Who isnt aware of breast cancer at this point?

Edit: this is just a shower thought for the record. I'm not making an actual statement or something



People always say it's stupid of people in horror movies to go towards the sound. But if you were in the same situation you probably would as well, since very few people make decisions on the assumption that the world is haunted.

No text found

Cellphone covers are like condoms, they feel meh using them, feels amazing without them, but it's dangerous

No text found

Memes are just inside jokes with people you don't know

No text found

What if Hell is just watching all of your most cringe-worthy moments on repeat for eternity?

No text found

We live in a time where companies that make obsolete/non-competetive products can blame their losses on people "killing the industry"

No text found

The only reason you shouldn't swear around kids is cause other adults will yell at you for it, not cause the kids care

No text found

The worst part about ‘being the bigger man’ is letting the other person think they are right.

No text found

Every mirror you buy in the store is in a used condition

No text found

Seth Rogen would be a perfect actor to cast as a serial killer. He is so friendly, funny, and completely non threatening that seeing him turn scary violent would be chilling.

No text found

Going up the stairs 2 steps at a time is a piece of cake. Going down them 2 steps at a time is a terrifying experience.

Tried it this morning when I had to run back upstairs for something I forgot-- felt like I was going to blow out my knees. 0/10 Would not recommend.



You’re probably in the background of some framed photos in random peoples houses whom you’ve never met

No text found

Memes are just inside jokes with the whole internet

No text found

Whether rape allegations are true or false someone is a terrible person.

No text found

Yoyos were the fidget spinners of our time

No text found

You can always say, “It’s not Opposite Day,” and be correct.

No text found

When you buy a physical copy of an album there should be a QR code you can scan that will automatically register that you’ve bought the album and download it to your music library/player instead of having to rip the disc to a computer first. This would be especially good for vinyl.

No text found

There's really only two kinds of people in this world: The ones who delivered the baby penguin in Super Mario 64 and the ones who threw it off the side just to see if they could

No text found

What if the ISPs paid EA to take a bunch of flak now and move the discussion (and anger) away from net neutrality?

No text found

If you play Uno in a Spanish speaking country, do you say "One!" instead of "Uno!"

No text found

Obtaining a high school diploma is just another way to say, "Congratulations! You've completed the tutorial."

No text found

All these "cinematic universes" aren't doing as well as Marvel is because everyone wants to have an Avengers but no one wants to make an Iron Man

No text found

Our ancestors wiped their asses with leaves. Today, we chop down trees, trucks the logs to a factory, grind the wood into pulp, bleach it, press it thinly, cut it into rolls, wrap it in plastic, ship it to stores, we buy it, take it home, hang it on the wall, and wipe our asses with it.

No text found

Friday, November 17, 2017

Books should number their pages in descending order so you know how many pages you have left.

No text found

Of course its a starwars game that starts a consumer rebellion

No text found

If you know Dasher and Dancer, Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen, it's pretty much a fucking guarantee that you'll recall the most famous reindeer of all.

No text found

If you die during an orgasm, you're coming and going at the same time.

No text found

The only thing separating you from certain death at 65mph is a painted white line and a mutual agreement not to play bumper cars.

No text found

EA's Disaster is smokescreening Net Neutrality

And Comcast had (has?) a deal with EA to stream games.



More has happened with EA due to gamer outrage than has happened to Flint, Michigan, due to public outrage

No text found

Free Willy, a movie about saving an orca from a life of captivity, was filmed using an orca living a life of captivity

No text found

If Dwayne Johnson studied his ancestry would it be geneology or geology?

No text found

November doesn’t have afternoons. It’s just morning until 2, then night.

No text found

If you count backwards from 10, there is a fair chance that you are counting down somebody's last seconds.

No text found

If Comcast teams up with EA after the repeal of net neutrality, our worst fears will be realized. Want to play non-EA games? Your speed will be throttled unless you buy the daily internet loot box that may contain a boost up to 75% of the EA connection's speed.

No text found

Trying to fall asleep is basically "fake it till you make it"

No text found

Willy Wonka tells the kids "Anything you want to, do it" and then proceeds to get upset with the children throughout the rest of the movie for doing exactly that.

No text found

Battlefront II is so realistic: the more money you have, the easier it is.

No text found

When driving through a school zone, we pay less attention to the road and more attention to the speedometer.

No text found

Surfing the web has become like watching TV back in the day, just flicking through a handful of websites looking for something new on.

No text found

There is a constant wave of morning alarms circling the globe.

No text found

Out of all the things that “Taste like chicken”, eggs are ironically not one of them.

No text found

The first person to do a back flip was probably considered the coolest guy in the ancient world.

No text found

The sad truth is someone is going to spend over 2k on Battlefront II to have everything unlocked just to brag about it on the internet.

No text found

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Fake alcoholics brag about how much they drank. Real alcoholics lie so they can drink more.

No text found

What if sleep is our natural state and we are only awake to gather information for our dreams??

No text found

Getting money for your birthday each year is like "passing go" in Monopoly

No text found

If you love someone, showing them is better than telling them. If you stop loving someone, telling them is better than showing them.

No text found

Instead of focusing AI piloted cars, maybe we should build AI piloted boats to collect plastic from oceans.

Put sails on them to assist. And solar panels. Nets. The plastic doesn't necesarrily have to be brought to shore but concentrated to safer waters, or perhaps burnt on site, using it as fuel, and have the smoke filtered if necessary. Maybe use high temperatures, hoping it'll burn cleaner. Or have the plastic waste packed into tight cubes, decreasing the plastic's contact surface area with water. Or seal the plastic inside more resistant material, bags or barrels that don't easily decompose. We could consider packing and concentrating the plastic to one area and then nuke it all.



People who need glasses had to pay extra for life’s HD option

No text found

Are women that drive small cars compensating for having a massive vagina?

No text found

"Don't burn your tongue on free coffee" would make a great modern idiom.

No text found

The caveman that first successfully convinced a cavewoman to give him a blowjob, without getting bitten for trying, was probably a hero & a legend to all of the other cavemen.

No text found

The best part about switching from Iphone to Android is that the crappy U2 album quits reappearing by itself.

No text found

Dad jokes actually help children understand the nuances of language

No text found

To get a picture from a phone on to a computer, it's easier to send it across the country to Google's servers and retrieve it, rather than plug a cable into the computer

No text found

Nowadays, the best way to not leave a paper trail, is to do everything on paper.

No text found

Bill Nye is the equivalent of a little kid realizing he's accidentally being funny, so he starts trying to be funny and it stops working.

No text found

What if the reason we hate pay to win games, is because video games are supposed to be our escape from real life and pay to win is too close to reality

No text found

If "there's no such thing as bad press" is true — EA is now in the midst of the greatest advertising campaign in history

No text found

You aren't actually afraid of being left alone in your house, or in the forest; You're afraid that you AREN'T alone.

No text found

Every corpse on Mount Everest was once an extremely motivated person

No text found

The first person to take a picture with a flash and get red eyes staring back must have been absolutely terrified

No text found

Beef jerky is just cow raisins.

No text found

Being an adult is having the “we have food at home” talk with yourself.

No text found

There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who stop to look if the bathroom is occupied... And those who just grab the handle and try to open the door without checking.

No text found

Ben and Jerry's ice cream is less used as dessert than it is as an anti-depressant

No text found

The “DC” in “DC Comics” stands for “Detective Comics,” so all this time we’ve been saying “Detective Comics Comics”

No text found

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

There should be an option to send someone a text that does not disturb them even if their phone is on loud.

No text found

Currently Earth is undefeated in the Miss Universe Pageant.

No text found

The color gray is the most fascinating color. It possesses an equal and paradoxical combination of the presence of all visible light and the absence of all visible light.

No text found

In the old days taping your password to your monitor was idiotic. Now it's the only place online hackers can't get to it.

No text found

With all the commotion surrounding EA, the talk about net neutrality has been significantly overshadowed at a time where we need it to be known the most.

No text found

In ten years, when people see an old fashioned phone with a cable, they will probably think its charging.

No text found

Finding out you need glasses is the real life equivalent of realising you've only been watching on 480p when you can change to 1080p

No text found

Who cares if there's another habitable planet 11 light years away, most of us are nervous to go to the store.

No text found

Amazing how it’s easier to send a signal to space and back than walk to the window and open the curtains to check the weather in the morning

No text found

What the FCC is trying to do with Net Neutrality is what EA has already done to Star Wars Battlefront 2.

No text found

It's weird to think that nighttime is the natural state of the universe and daytime is only caused by a nearby, radiating ball of flame.

No text found

Twenty years ago, our internet couldn't work without our phones. Today our phones can't work without the internet.

No text found

What if Adam and Eve WERE the first two people on earth, physically and mentally perfect, and what the human race is now is the dumb and deformed result of years and years of inbreeding?

No text found

We use sex to sell everything. We arrest those who buy and sell actual sex.

No text found

If humans ever become enslaved by Artificial intelligence the Amish are going to be so pissed.

No text found

What if Boo's from Super Mario are the ghosts of all the Marios that died? That's why they can't look at your face.

No text found

If you have a pet who constantly tried to escape, then you don't have a pet. You have a prisoner.

No text found

We could just send a deaf person into the woods with an axe and a recording device, and we would know if falling trees make a sound with no one around to hear it.

No text found

No one has ever taken a pair of tongs out of the drawer and not clapped the ends together a couple of times before getting to the task at hand.

No text found

Given how popular it is now, 80's futuristic synth music turned out to actually be genuinely futuristic.

No text found

Does anyone else miss challenging one player games with no internet connection?

No text found

Most teenagers pull their phones out of their pockets to check the time. We are reverting to the era of pocket watches.

No text found

Cannibalism has the power to solve overpopulation and world hunger

-A shower thought from a friend of mine...don't know what he does in the shower...



Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Irony is, a bank charging you money for not having enough money.

No text found

If EA suffers big enough losses from the backlash of Battlefront 2, and it all started because some guy couldn't unlock Vader, this will be the second time Anakin brought balance to something.

No text found

The millennial version of walking into a room and forgetting why you went there is opening a new tab and forgetting the website you wanted to visit

No text found

Vaping: somewhere between smoking your cell phone and fellating a tiny robot.

No text found

The only use of pennies is to avoid getting more

No text found

Instead of looking up into the sky, you're actually gazing down into the infinite cosmic abyss, with only gravity holding you to the surface of the Earth.

No text found

We use "Sucks dick" as a derogatory term, but we value the actual act very highly

No text found

In highschool, eating lunch alone is considered lame and can result in bullying. In a busy office, eating lunch alone and undisturbed is considered a luxury.

No text found

South Park should come out with an episode shitting on Battlefront and EA all the while pimping their own new game

No text found

99% of normal people who suddenly received a superpower would use it solely for their own gain, but in movies anybody who does that is a villain

No text found

There should be a company that takes in women's clothes and sews pockets onto them.

No text found

Future generations will probably think that the emergency phone number was chosen after the 9/11 attacks

No text found

Sour Patch Kids only become sweet after you suck them off.

No text found

Humans in 2017 have to prove to computers that they're not robots

No text found

If you drive for 24 hours straight you have matched the world record for the longest time driven in a day.

No text found

If net neutrality were banned, the whole internet will look like Battlefront II.

No text found

The answer to the question “Is it Opposite Day?” will always be “No.”

No text found

If a Muppet eats you out, is it oral or a handjob?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

EA should forget about the AMA, instead go to roastme. Show some balls.

No text found

The smarter you are, the dumber you sound to stupid people.

No text found

If we were eyeless we’d be unaware of color. What if we’re missing some part of reality because we don’t have the organ to detect it?

No text found

If half as many people got upset about net neutrality as they did about a video game company then maybe it wouldn't be an issue anymore

No text found

Most people aren't listening to you for what you have to say. They're just waiting for you to stop speaking so they can start speaking.

No text found

One could probably make a shit post about EA in an irrelevant subreddit and still hit the front page.

No text found

Procrastinating is hoping that future you isn't as lazy as current you.

No text found

If all the people who cared about BattleFront 2 loot boxes cared about Net neutrality we may not be as fucked as we currently are.

No text found

Everything a chef creates turns to shit

No text found

"Go to bed, you'll feel better tomorrow" is the human version of "Did you try turning it off and back on again?"

No text found

Monday, November 13, 2017

One of the greatest pleasures in life is watching your pet actually love the toy you bought them.

No text found

If you buy a product you should never have to see an ad about it again

Just bought the Google home and I still have to scroll past it on social media. I've already done what you wanted Google LEAVE ME ALONE



Using Limewire was like having unprotected sex with the Internet

No text found

The Wikipedia page for uranium says that it has a metallic taste. Someone died for that information.

No text found

This year has probably given Cards Against Humanity enough material for a stand alone 2017 special edition.

No text found

There should be a water park feature with 2 "sinking" boats. They are 10 feet from each other and each has water guns to fill the other. Kids frantically failing water out as it fills. Would be a blast.

*Bailing water. Oops



Baby gates are the exact equivalent to - This area is locked until you’ve gained more experience.

No text found

With Bill Gates buying and building his own city, he's literally playing Sim City in real life.

No text found

In movies where Santa exists, it makes no sense for the parents to not believe in him. They obviously go to bed without putting presents under the tree, so who do they think does it?

No text found

Your age is merely the number of laps you've made around the sun.

No text found

Having sex all over the house is hot and wild. Masturbating all over is the gross and weird.

No text found

Mr. Krabs' greed is a pun on his being shellfish.

No text found

The yellow M&M is dumb because he has a peanut for a brain.

No text found

The first actor who said "curses" while playing a villain may have just been reading the stage directions.

No text found

All devices should universally display sound in decibels, then everyone would know their preferred output on any TV or computer.

No text found

The numbers in tomorrow's date (11/13/17) are consecutive prime numbers

The next time you can say this won't be until 2105 (02/03/05).



You will never be in an empty room

No text found

"Open" starts with a closed circle and "Closed" starts with an open circle.

No text found

Scary movies should put high pitched sounds only dogs can hear, so your dog will start acting crazy for no reason at the scariest parts.

No text found

Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.

No text found

If we rallied against the net neutrality problem with the same tanacity that we're exhibiting against EA, we might actually save the internet.

No text found

Children are like a free app with a crap ton of in app purchases

No text found

Marriage is betting someone half your stuff that you’ll love each other forever.

No text found

The number of people older than you will never increase, but is constantly decreasing.

No text found

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Synonymous is synonymous with, but not interchangeable with interchangeable.

No text found

If we ever do get into a zombie apocalypse, these automatic doors will be the end of us.

No text found

Chocolate is a flavor of milk, yet milk is also a flavor of chocolate.

No text found

Papa Johns thinks kneeling for the flag “disrespects” the troops but made their employees work on Veterans Day.

No text found

There is no light inside your body. It's all dark and squishy.

No text found

It kinda makes sense that the target audience for fidget spinners lost interest in them so quickly

No text found

Unless life also hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.

No text found

Maybe breaking a mirror is 7 years of bad luck because that's how long it takes for each cell in your body to be replaced completely, therefore meaning you technically aren't the person who broke the mirror anymore.

So this pretty much means breaking a mirror is a lifetime of bad luck, until your body replaces the cells that were you.



Parkour is the adult version of The Floor is Lava.

No text found

The next Finding Nemo movie should address how the Great Barrier Reef is dying

No text found

I️ bet people with one arm are amazing at spooning.

No text found

If Wolverine can heal/regenerate his wounds, then no matter what, Wolverine is uncircumcised.

No text found

Traffic tickets should have driver's ed penalties, not fines. 250 bucks is a setback. A day in a car with a 15 year old driver is a lesson.

No text found

Barnes and Nobles' reciepts should double as bookmarks

No text found

Kanye should accuse himself of sexually harassing Kanye

No text found

Atoms are real life pixels.

No text found

College students would be less likely to skip class if they got a bill notification every morning for how much their classes cost for the day.

No text found

John Kennedy sounds incomplete, but John F. Kennedy sounds normal.

No text found

There is no reason Colonel should sound the way it does.

No text found

Majority of people have 'those' songs in their playlist that they always skip but don't delete.

No text found

It's probably just a matter of time before they start ripping out stars from the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

No text found

Sometimes it would be great to have the option to send a 'silent' text message. This way late at night if you are up and still want to send a message it doesn't bother them if they are asleep.

No text found

Male pornstars get money for nuttin’ and chicks for free.

Well I suppose technically it’s money for NOT nutting for long periods of time.



Working out would be so much more satisfying if calories screamed while they burned

No text found

Saturday, November 11, 2017

A good slogan for a company that produces piñatas would be: "You buy it, you break it."

No text found

Most phrases of affirmation sound hot during sex, saying "yep" during sex would be awkward, however.

No text found

There should be a common courtesy law. If you're stuck in traffic and you politely let someone in & they don't give you a little wave.... you can ram their car.

No text found

The fact that the sentence, ' Jake rustled Jerry's Jimmies by Joshing him about his Johnson in the John.', makes any sense is remarkable.

To translate,

Jake upset Jerry by joking about his penis in the bathroom.



What if time travelers only travel to times where they can not be photographed or recorded and that is why supernatural events were more common in the past.

No text found

A woman in a bikini reveals about 90% of her body... And yet most men are so polite they only look at the covered parts

No text found

Celebrities in 2016 died heroes. Celebrities in 2017 lived to see themselves become villains.

No text found

Technically your wife is also your ex-girlfriend

No text found

The phrase "being left to your own devices" makes more sense now than when it was first coined.

No text found

whoever invented light switches on the outside of bathroom doors was probably an only child

No text found

If Ironman and the Silver Surfer teamed up, they'd be alloys

No text found

Imagine how much time we save because socks can work on either foot.

No text found

Maybe with all these A-listers being thrown out of Hollywood, there can be an opening for a new wave of creators and original films

No text found

Porn is the only place where it's fine to segregate by race, gender, sexual preference, and age

No text found

Slang is just short for short language

No text found