#42 The answer to life the universe and everything: November 2017

"What if Elon Musk is a time traveler from the future who is getting rich by pretending to invent future technology, but is also warning us about the future deadly killer robot wars that caused him to flee to the past in the first place?" - Not my thought, but it is great so I thought I'd share, source: comment on youtube clip - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nONx_dgr55I - screenshot of comment: http://ift.tt/2jt5cML

Nillionaire is a fancier way of saying that you are broke

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If Dick's Sporting Goods ever needs some money, they can probably sell their domain Dicks.com for a good profit.

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Chick-Fil-A should acquire Waffle House... then we would have the ultimate chicken and waffle experience

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Tuesday, November 28, 2017

If therapy was as affordable and available as medication, we would all be better off.

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The more you study mathematics, the less important numbers actually become.

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Maybe North Korea has been trying to hit somebody this whole time, they just play off their misses as "tests"

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What bosses and workers have in common is that they both think the other one is the one doing nothing.

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Mom was right. Warped Tour was just a phase.

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If companies actually hired millennials to explain what millennials think and help market to them, they probably wouldn't be "ruining" so many industries

And as an added bonus, more millennials would have jobs!

If bread goes bad we throw it away, If bananas go bad we make bread out of them

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Onion rings and French fries are deep fried binary.

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It's considered inhumane to keep a severely disabled/diseased animal alive but not for a human.

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When Prince Harry goes to a strip club, he stuffs pictures of his granny into strippers' underwear

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Celebrities can’t use internet dating sites because everyone would just think they were a bot

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A good slogan for optometrists would be, "we specialize in special eyes"

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Snails and slugs would be the scariest things ever if they were very fast.

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If you had a child at 18, who then joined the military at 18, your child could be retired with a pension before you are 60 years old.

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Does anyone feel like Black Friday/Cyber Monday are just retailers waving their markups in consumer's faces?

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When deleting apps on an iPhone, they shake because they are afraid of being deleted.

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TL;DR itself exists because no one wants to read "Too Long; Didn't Read"

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If only GTA had an option to put the seatbelt on, the character wouldn’t toss out of the car every time in case of a big collision.

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99% of history must be basically total BS if you can't even get current news without bias.

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Today, “handmade” is a badge of honor on many products. Two centuries ago, “factory made” must have been highly coveted.

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We say "Bow and arrow", but nobody says "Gun and bullet"

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There should be Confetti in Tires so when there is a blow out it's still kind of an okay day

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Monday, November 27, 2017

Everyone hates Mondays because it’s the day you have to go back to work. But Mondays are sometimes long weekends. Tuesdays are the real bastards. You never get Tuesdays off.

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There are three types of people in the world: People who are happy they bought Bitcoin, people who wish they had bought Bitcoin and people who are waiting for the whole thing to blow up so they can laugh at the first two people.

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In the Cars universe, everyone goes around with the equivalent of their Social Security Number stapled to their ass.

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Nightmares are just free horror movies that you produce, direct and star in.

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Ads should have an "already bought it" button so you can stop the product from being advertised.

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Chuck E. Cheese is a casino for children, packed with roulette wheels and slot machines

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When someone gets a nose bleed in a movie it’s ominous that they either have cancer or are telepathic. When someone gets a nose bleed irl it’s because the air is dry or they pick their nose.

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There should be a law forcing executive salaries to be within a certain percentage of the average pay of those beneath them, weighted by the number of employees beneath them. That way, to raise your own salary, you would have to find some way to optimize pay for those beneath you as well.

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If identical twin sisters become pregnant from the same guy then their kids will be full siblings genetically speaking.

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Going up the stairs 2 steps at a time is a piece of cake. Going down them 2 steps at a time is a terrifying experience.

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rudolph the red nosed reindeer is a song about deviation from the norm being punished unless it can be exploited

happy holidays !

No matter how far in life you fall, you'll always be more successful than a fucking wireless printer.

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When you say 'Forward' or Back', your lips move in those direction.

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Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.

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Whenever someone is found to have “died peacefully in their sleep”, it’s entirely possible they woke up in severe pain and then died

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As kids, we worried about strangers on the internet finding us in real life. Now we worry about people in real life finding us on the internet.

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Some movies have codes so you can have a digital copy as well as a physical one. Books should have codes that you can redeem on your kindle so you can read it digitally.

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Magneto can make Wolverine suck his dick.

On second thought, Magneto can make Wolverine suck everybody's dick.

Soon games will advertise "No DLC/Microtransactions" just like food advertises "No trans fats"

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What if the reason Kenny's parents are so poor is because they have to keep paying for funerals

Funerals aren't cheap.

People who poo on the toilet seats walk among us every day and we don't even know who they are

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Sunday, November 26, 2017

When a guy gets married in his 20s, his bachelor party is for him. When a guy gets married in his 30s, his bachelor party is for all of his married friends.

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It's disappointing that Colgate University isn't a dental college.

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Public restrooms should always have music playing loud enough to at least partially drown out the bathroom sounds. It would make the whole experience significantly better

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The kind of women who demand respect simply by dint of the fact that they're a mother, or who look down on other women for being childless, are probably the ones who neglect their children the most.

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People are excited to get a job but dread going to work.

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In real life, if you are following a person or checking their daily actions/events, that would make you a stalker. On social media, if you are following a person or checking their daily actions/events, that would make you a fan

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If a zombie gets bitten by a vampire he will become a vampire or the vampire will become a zombie?

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Bats are angels to mice.

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We always say "stupid autocorrect" but never give it positive feedback for the 97% of the work it does.

And for that I'd like to say, goid job autocorrect!

Amazon needs a hide purchase option so families with a shared account can buy gifts for each other

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If humans didn't exist there would be no one on earth to appreciate how cute otters are

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If there are only 2 hairdressers in your town, choose the one with the worst haircut

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GameStop, where you either get 1 game for $60 or $1 for 60 games.

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Why are 'Shampoo' and 'Conditioner' always the most difficult text on the bottle to spot?

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Swiss army knives are like 8% knife

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Cooties is a child friendly metaphor for STD’s

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If someone hit you with a knockout punch while you were sleeping, would you wake up and get knocked out or would you stay asleep?

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There should be a Bon Jovi cover band with a banjo player named Banjovi.

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When you're alone in a busy coffee shop, you should be able to switch a little indicating light at your table that lets people know that anyone can join the other seat at your table.

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Telling someone "you shouldn't be unhappy because someone else has it worse" is the same as saying "you shouldn't be happy because someone else has it better"

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In High School, you can know multiple people for 12 years and not know a single thing about them.

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The worst feeling ever is waking up in the morning, getting out of bed, getting dressed, eating breakfast, and getting on your way. Then realizing you're still in bed, sleepy as fuck, and were just imagining doing that.

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Swimming is like going to an alternate dimension where you can fly but can't breath.

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Websites with ridiculous password requirements should list those requirements in the "forgot password" section.

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No one has ever been in an empty room.

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Saturday, November 25, 2017

If a genie granting you wishes says you can’t wish for more wishes, just wish for more wish granting genies.

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A broken clock is right twice a day, but a working clock could be wrong all day.

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The first person to suck in helium probably thought there voice was forever changed for a scary 20 seconds or so.

Edit: Their!

Some of us are still It from childhood games of tag

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In Monsters Inc. the most respected people in society are factory workers.

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If kids were taught so that they understand, they would release more dopamine and become hooked to it. Instead we expect them to do unrewarding things such a memorization and let them associate learning with frustration.

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“Don’t judge a book by its cover” should be updated to “don’t judge a book by its movie”

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MTV Cribs should do a follow up so we can see where the people on there live now that their careers have tanked.

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If you win a years worth of calendars, do you only win one calendar?

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When we were kids, we were told that sexual jokes are for adults. When we grow up, we're told that it's childish.

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The kitchen is the only place you can say "behind you with a knife" and its cool

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Nothing embodies "fake it till you make it" like sleep

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When an earthquake occurs, coffins become huge underground maracas.

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Given what we know about serial killers and their usually abusive childhoods, Harry Potter was more likely to turn out like Voldemort than the hero he became.

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We look at ruined castles and think they’re picturesque, but to a medieval person that view would be post-apocalyptic.

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If you sat on a voodoo doll of yourself, would you be able to get back up?

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Cellphones ruined walkie talkies being badass gifts

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Alexa needs a setting that requires please and thank you, so the kids can practice being polite.

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Feed a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, feed a man a poisoned fish and he'll eat for the rest of his life.

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Calling someone "sick" could either be an insult, a compliment, or a description depending on your tone.

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Do you ever wonder what your dog named you?

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There’s nothing quite as flattering as a dog straining its owner’s leash to come be pet by you.

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You know how we could save a lot of water? Automatic flush toilets that don't unnecessarily flush three times during one use.

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Friday, November 24, 2017

We need to put smart cars on the back burner for a little bit and make smart traffic lights.

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All national anthems are country music

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All sizes of TVs look the same size when advertised online. They should add a banana for scale.

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If you know 7 year olds who play Minecraft, they weren't even born when it was officially released.

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Thanksgiving is probably the holiday that ends in the least sex.

With everyone bloated and tired and cranky from family.

Video game cheat codes are now your credit card number.

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You can save 100% by staying home on Black Friday

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The sounds of nature are just a chorus of animals screaming “let’s fuck!”

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Subreddits that autoban you for commenting in a competing subreddit should be banned from the frontpage.

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We are told as adults that work-life and home-life should be separated. However, all throughout our childhood we are required to do "homework".

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When you're tired at night, everything's funny. When you're tired in the morning, nothing's funny.

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For people who still pronounce the '#' symbol as "pound" rather than "hashtag", all of the "#metoo" posts about sexual abuse must seem rather odd.

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Do you know that tingly sensation you get when you really like someone? That is common sense, leaving your body.

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Black Friday is when you realize you are too poor to buy things, even with a discount.

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Nerf is literally a weapons manufacturer for children

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The mere act of being a spider is a crime punishable by death.

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Every man who's shaved their testicles has the potential to be a heart surgeon.

Concentration levels at maximum capacity

We're really lucky that blinking doesn't make a noise.

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Y'know, Def Leppard is the safest music to air drum to while driving because you can always keep one hand on the steering wheel.

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We laugh at Aquaman for being useless, but he's king of 70% of the world.

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When we say "The 20s," we think of the 1920s. In only 3 years, that phrase of reference will be renewed.

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Society has become so fake that the truth actually bothers people.

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Louis CK built a comedy career talking about how he was a messed up, unattractive serial masturbator and people laughed and he was beloved for his raw honesty - until it was revealed he was being honest and then people were disgusted at him.

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Stores should have livestream feeds into their cameras during Black Friday so we can all watch the chaos from the saftey of our homes.

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We could all agree the disappointment once "ice ice baby" comes on the radio thinking it's "Under Pressure".

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Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.

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Thursday, November 23, 2017

Harry Potter was recently translated into its 80th language. What if it became a kind of "Rosetta Stone" to future archeologists?

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The thought that “when you marry someone, you marry their whole family” is most true around the holidays.

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It seems like the people always calling millennials easily offended are the same people who flip out over Starbucks holiday design cups every year.

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You aren’t actually dying the minute you are born. The definition of dying is when more cells are dying off than are being replaced and this happens once you hit 26. So you aren’t actually dying until you are 26 years old

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It’s fucked up that our eyelids aren’t thick enough so that if we shut them in the daytime it’s pitch black. What the hell, evolution

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If you invented the internet, then you can own and restrict it. If you didn’t, then you benefitted from a public good that we all paid for, so fuck off.

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You will survive all the things that happen in your life, except one.

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Thanksgiving is holiday where we're thankful for everything that we already have but the very next day, Black Friday, is a day where we trample and stampede each other for the things that we don't have

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Churches are just really successful book clubs.

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When people see Ajit Pai in public it’d be funny if they blocked him until he paid 4.99

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If the Earth is flat, how is it a global conspiracy?

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People talk about how nice some actors are in real life as if it is something special, but that is just how a human should act like

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What if every antivaxxer is just really scared to get their shots and is ashamed about it?

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If you think businesses should be closed on Thanksgiving so people can be with their families, but you go to a restaurant or shopping... you are the problem.

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What if lawyers had their own theme song played, when they enter court for a case

Like wrestlers, when they enter the ring

Technically, a search and rescue helicopter is a search engine.

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One day, that “secret family recipe” will just be that recipe their ancestor looked up online years ago and everybody liked.

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What's the point of a democracy if every decision that affects the citizens is made without the citizens?

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The human body is technically capable of reproduction at 12, but the brain hasn't stopped fully developing before you're 25. Mentally you're most likely to not be ready to be a father at 25, but physically, you'd be old enough to be someone's grandfather.

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Smartphones should be smart enough to recognize an upcoming holiday and ask if you REALLY need your alarm to go off as early as a regular work day.

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What if a vampire created Welcome mats as a loophole to get into homes without being invited.

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What if every bug you see in your house actually is on a rescue mission to simply look for the last bug that went inside and never came back?

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If pornhub would join us in good fight today we'd finally have the awareness needed to address this serious matter.

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There should be a subreddit where only certified 60+ year old redditors are allowed to comment. To answer questions and offer advice on life.

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What if the asteroid that hit earth and killed the dinosaurs was a UFO and we’re aliens

Not sure if this was posted here already, but my friend told me and I thought it was mind blowing

The best way to save money on Black Friday is to not buy useless shit just because it's on special. You don't need it, and it's not that good of a deal.

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Drones getting stuck in trees is this generation’s version of kites getting stuck in trees.

Source: got my drone stuck in a tree today.

If you listen to most Tom and Jerry cartoons without watching, it's just a bunch musician that can't decide what to play.

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Mario is just an Italian dude on mushrooms who invades a guy's home again and again and tries to kill him and abduct his girlfriend.

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Childhood is just the 'free trial' edition of life. When it ends you have to pay for the full version or else you'll lose everything.

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It’s 2017, we have vehicles that can pilot themselves through complex urban centres at high rates of speed, is it too much to ask for a robot that can wash and put away laundry?

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The fact that everybody carried all their school stuff in backpacks for the first eighteen plus years of their life is probably why back problems are so prevalent.

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Because of Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates, the average net worth of a Harvard dropout is $100 million dollars.

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Wednesday, November 22, 2017

The front pocket on a 'hoodie' is basically a widely used, discreet, and acceptable version of a 'fanny pack'

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When people say you look better with a beard, they are saying you look better when more of your face is covered...

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Eminem should have been taken more seriously all those years ago when he warned how the FCC wouldn't let him be.

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Calling someone “the one that got away” is either really romantic, or very creepy

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A parked police car on the side of the road with no one in it is the equivalent to a scarecrow for speeding drivers

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John wick is Neo if he had taken the blue pill

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People who say " If you have nothing to hide then you have nothing to fear" should have random cavity searches, you know, for everyone's safety.

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If Millennials aren't getting married, eventually they will be blamed for destroying the divorce lawyer market

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If Millennials aren't getting married, eventually they will be blamed for destroying the divorce lawyer market

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Froot loops are just gay Cheerios

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It's ironic how star wars managed to cause an actual rebellion against a game developer

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How many plants did people smoke before they found the right ones?

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Spongebob should have said he survived out of water the longest of anyone in Bikini Bottom when asked how tough he was at the Salty Spittoon.

Edit: I do not know how this is trending, I am sorry people! I am just over here laughing my ass off reading the comments.

When you wake up at exactly 4:04 in the morning it may be a case of the "night errors".

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Taxing students on their scholarships and exemptions is really fucked up

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What if bacteria have been manipulating the human race this whole time to build rockets so that THEY can colonise other planets?

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The fact that "access to every website" could become a paid option is horrifying.

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Today is the day the whole internet agreed on something.

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We were literally created by a dick move.

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College is like a reverse job; you pay people so you can work

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Statistically 100% of World Wars are caused by Austrians

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Everyone has a different bar they imagine every time they hear a "x walked into a bar" joke.

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New Year’s Eve 2017 will be the only day when every adult was born in the 1900’s, and every minor was born in the 2000’s.

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Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Every year, house arrest becomes slightly less severe of a punishment.

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Fake phone numbers in movies should be voicemail lines that just advertise upcoming movies

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It’s normal for people to get a new pet when their old one dies, but it would be weird if people adopted new family members when they died.

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Chris Hanson from to catch a predator should host all the Hollywood award shows this year.

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PornHub should buffer each video with 5 seconds of loud rock music to give viewers a chance to disconnect their phone from the Bluetooth speaker.

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Your alarm tone should be randomized every morning so you don’t get conditioned to hate the sound

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If Germany is the Fatherland, and Russia is the Motherland, then they've had one hell of a custody battle over Poland

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If we all agreed to stop ironing, creases would become the new global norm allowing humanity to free itself from the tyrannical grip of the iron industry forever.

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The oldest person in 2150 may already be alive.

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Calling in "sick" to work just to play video games is the adult equivalent to a ditch day.

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By the rules set in Aladdin you could actually get unlimited wishes by turning other people into Genies and getting 3 more wishes

In Aladdin they established that you cannot wish for more wishes. However, they also showed that a person can make a wish to turn someone into a Genie when Jafar was tricked into wishing for just that.

Therefore with 3 wishes you could; 1. I wish for x 2. I wish Jasmine were turned into a Genie 3. I wish for your freedom Pick up Jasmine's lamp 1. I wish for x 2. I wish the Sultan were turned into a Genie 3. I wish for your freedom Rinse and repeat

They say clothes leave more to the imagination, but a bare skeleton leaves everything to the imagination

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We think of noon as midday, but most people have an afternoon that is significantly longer than their morning.

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People say that feathers on dinosaurs makes them less awesome because they’re big birds until you imagine how terrifying a giant eagle or hawk would be.

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If ants make up 15% of terrestrial biomass and can lift up to 10 times their body weight, they should be able to collectively lift all other animals on Earth.

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Buying a shirt with a large brand logo is like paying the company to advertise for them

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If net neutrality gets revoked, it could essentially add microtransactions to the internet.

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Theaters should have an adults only showing of certain kids movies so we can watch films like The Incredibles 2 without all the screaming kids

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If you live in North Korea and things go south, its actually pretty good

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If there is truly only one person in the world meant for each of us, chances are for most of us, our one person is in China or India.

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The scariest thought of being immortal is outliving the earth.

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“Meatball” is probabaly the laziest named food after “Orange”.

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If Star Wars actually happened a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, we might be able to watch it through a telescope.

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If we make it to mars, all of the problems on earth will be first world problems

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"Heck" is a combination of "hell" and "fuck", yet it is less vulgar than both.

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The target audience for the Incredibles 2 is a generation that was not alive when the original came out.

It is set to come out next summer and everyone who remembers watching the first movie as a child (when it came out) will be an adult when the sequel comes out.

Imagine traveling back in time and visiting your younger self and telling them that they can't see the sequel until adulthood

Dog heaven is squirrel hell

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If you don't understand net neutrality, consider all the times you've been blocked from watching a video due to your location. It's that but based on your wallet.

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The only difference between bands and solo artists is whether the instrumentalists get credited or not.

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"DON'T TOUCH!" must be terrifying to read in braille.

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A straight male might never get to see another man's erected penis in person; that's why we base our average size on pornstars.

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Life is like a RPG, only difference is when you reach the highest level your character gets deleted.

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If we had Thanksgiving music, we wouldn't have to listen to Mariah Carey for 2 months nonstop

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The fact that ‘Mirror’ isn’t a palindrome is a missed opportunity

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Human teeth: First pair's free, second pair too, 3rd pair'll cost ya.

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In the Zootopia universe, advertising something as 'bite-sized' wouldn't actually tell you much about that thing's size.

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Rather than saying that a band has broken up, we should say that they've disbanded.

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The surface on most planets is breathtaking.

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Monday, November 20, 2017

Snakes are just tails with faces.

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People using self checkout at stores should be given a discount as they don't use staff time (usually)

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If you lose your left arm, your right will be left and you'll be all right.

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Life is like a box of chocolates - it looks like you have all the choices at the beginning, but once everyone who is more important than you has had their turn, all that's left is the shit nobody wants

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Realizing that kids today aren't even impressed by Charles Manson because he only killed 7 people.

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Getting woken up in the middle of the night to your baby laughing/giggling in a seperate room is more terrifying than if the baby was crying

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Instagram sounds more like a quick drug order and delivery service than for photos.

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U.S. laws should have a mandatory 10 yr. review to see if the law implemented has benefited society or damaged it.

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Teachers should be asking students to write short 1-page essays and dock them points for not being concise instead of requiring long 4-page essays. In everyday life, no one likes to read a wall of text.

The real skill is in knowing how to make your point understood in the least number of words.

Getting kids to believe in Santa Claus is the greatest and most elaborate practical joke of all time. Every single year billions of adults band together and do their best to deceive an entire generation.

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In LOTR, "Looks like meat's back on the menu, boys!" Implies that Orcs know what a menu is, and have been to a restaurant.

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‪If most animals don't recognize their own reflection because their brains aren't complex enough, there could be a chance humans observe things we cannot comprehend and don’t know we cannot comprehend because our brains lack that complexity.

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You can put "fuck", or "fucking" pretty fucking much fucking anywhere in a fucking sentence and fucking still be grammatically fucking correct

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Jerky is more like an animal cracker than animal crackers are.

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How did cats aquire such a fond taste for fish if they're afraid of the water

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Tobacco companies are killing their best customers, while condom companies are killing their future customers.

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Charles Manson only had to serve 1 of his 9 consecutive life sentences.

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If you choose not to have kids, you're literally breaking a family tradition that goes back millions of years.

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Taking a dog to the dog park is like dropping a teenager off at a party. You think they're gonna spend quality time with their peers and make new best friends. They're just thinking about getting in fights and humping each other.

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Are people named Bob born or do they just come into existence at age 40?

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There might have been a slave owner who purchased an abundance of slaves so that other slave owners couldn’t subject these slaves to horrible lives. If there was such a person, history would probably remember him in a negative light for owning so many slaves.

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Do you think anyone has ever slapped Dawyne Johnson's ass and made a joke about hitting rock bottom?

Title

When you're a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you're an adult, they're considered immature.

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Bill Gates sinking a few billion dollars into lobbying for net neutrality would probably do more long lasting good than almost any other auditable cause

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Cops are like strippers; they can touch you but you can’t touch them.

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No one has ever clicked on a link and said "this article would be better if it was a slideshow."

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Sunday, November 19, 2017

The same adults making fun of millennials for participation trophies are the same adults calling themselves CEOs for selling makeup online

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We live in the only era that has fat poor people.

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It is very possible that at some point Tarzan tried to mate with a gorrila.

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You can go your entire life without drinking water or eating.

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It doesn't matter if you're gay or straight, you still probably find 95% of people unattractive.

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Its common for babies to fall asleep and wake up in different locations all the time, but as an adult the idea of that happening is terrifying.

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People who constantly brag about their ancestors are like potatoes- the only good part about them is underground

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If we could literally be bored to death, the world would be a lot more interesting.

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If an uphill battle is hard, and things going downhill are things going wrong, apparently there are no good hills.

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“Guess The Subreddit” would be a fun game.

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If humans recycled like redditors reposted, the world would be a much better place.

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The people who ‘don’t care where we eat’ also happen to be the pickiest

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If you drive with your high beams on constantly because you're too cheap to fix your low beam bulbs, fuck you

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Batman is essentially a Pay2Win Superhero

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It's pretty rare to use an entire pen without losing it first. On the other hand, It's pretty common to find a pen already out of ink, so it's a paradox in a way.

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Urban Dictionary is nice, but Urban Thesaurus would be even better.

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There are probably a plethora of people with tattoos of Hollywood stars just dreading the day they find out they're rapists.

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One of the most annoying things in life is having your headphones being ripped out of your ear by getting it snagged on something

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You'll always be no more than 12,451 miles from anywhere on Earth. So when they tell you the world is a big place just look at the mileage on your car.

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The iPhone X is more expensive than 2 humans in Libya

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Millions of people read hateful comments every day, while millions of pets are unaware of compliments they are getting on the Internet.

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People with bad spelling might have the best passwords.

paswurd231

When you park your car, you literally leave your most expensive possession lying out in the road.

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"please pay $5 to unlock this character" is basically what would happen to the entire Internet without net neutrality.

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Saturday, November 18, 2017

They should send out another probe in the direction of voyager so when it gets too far for the signal to reach earth, the new probe will still be within “earshot” and it’ll relay the signal back to Earth. Much like a wifi range extender.

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The fact that the location of the world’s oldest tree has to be kept secret encapsulates everything that’s bad about humanity.

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Mars as far as we know, is the only planet entirely populated by robots..

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If snakes lost their legs for giving Adam and Eve the apple of enlightenment, clams must have really fucked up.

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The best way to get people to join the battle for net neutrality is to tell people they might have to pay extra for porn sites

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If a stopped clock is right twice daily, then a heart of a dead person is doing what its supposed to do half the time

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Who isnt aware of breast cancer at this point?

Edit: this is just a shower thought for the record. I'm not making an actual statement or something

People always say it's stupid of people in horror movies to go towards the sound. But if you were in the same situation you probably would as well, since very few people make decisions on the assumption that the world is haunted.

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Cellphone covers are like condoms, they feel meh using them, feels amazing without them, but it's dangerous

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Memes are just inside jokes with people you don't know

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What if Hell is just watching all of your most cringe-worthy moments on repeat for eternity?

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We live in a time where companies that make obsolete/non-competetive products can blame their losses on people "killing the industry"

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The only reason you shouldn't swear around kids is cause other adults will yell at you for it, not cause the kids care

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The worst part about ‘being the bigger man’ is letting the other person think they are right.

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Every mirror you buy in the store is in a used condition

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Seth Rogen would be a perfect actor to cast as a serial killer. He is so friendly, funny, and completely non threatening that seeing him turn scary violent would be chilling.

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Going up the stairs 2 steps at a time is a piece of cake. Going down them 2 steps at a time is a terrifying experience.

Tried it this morning when I had to run back upstairs for something I forgot-- felt like I was going to blow out my knees. 0/10 Would not recommend.

You’re probably in the background of some framed photos in random peoples houses whom you’ve never met

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Memes are just inside jokes with the whole internet

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Whether rape allegations are true or false someone is a terrible person.

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Yoyos were the fidget spinners of our time

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You can always say, “It’s not Opposite Day,” and be correct.

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When you buy a physical copy of an album there should be a QR code you can scan that will automatically register that you’ve bought the album and download it to your music library/player instead of having to rip the disc to a computer first. This would be especially good for vinyl.

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There's really only two kinds of people in this world: The ones who delivered the baby penguin in Super Mario 64 and the ones who threw it off the side just to see if they could

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What if the ISPs paid EA to take a bunch of flak now and move the discussion (and anger) away from net neutrality?

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If you play Uno in a Spanish speaking country, do you say "One!" instead of "Uno!"

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Obtaining a high school diploma is just another way to say, "Congratulations! You've completed the tutorial."

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All these "cinematic universes" aren't doing as well as Marvel is because everyone wants to have an Avengers but no one wants to make an Iron Man

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Our ancestors wiped their asses with leaves. Today, we chop down trees, trucks the logs to a factory, grind the wood into pulp, bleach it, press it thinly, cut it into rolls, wrap it in plastic, ship it to stores, we buy it, take it home, hang it on the wall, and wipe our asses with it.

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Friday, November 17, 2017

Books should number their pages in descending order so you know how many pages you have left.

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Of course its a starwars game that starts a consumer rebellion

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If you know Dasher and Dancer, Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen, it's pretty much a fucking guarantee that you'll recall the most famous reindeer of all.

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If you die during an orgasm, you're coming and going at the same time.

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The only thing separating you from certain death at 65mph is a painted white line and a mutual agreement not to play bumper cars.

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EA's Disaster is smokescreening Net Neutrality

And Comcast had (has?) a deal with EA to stream games.

More has happened with EA due to gamer outrage than has happened to Flint, Michigan, due to public outrage

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Free Willy, a movie about saving an orca from a life of captivity, was filmed using an orca living a life of captivity

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If Dwayne Johnson studied his ancestry would it be geneology or geology?

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November doesn’t have afternoons. It’s just morning until 2, then night.

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If you count backwards from 10, there is a fair chance that you are counting down somebody's last seconds.

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If Comcast teams up with EA after the repeal of net neutrality, our worst fears will be realized. Want to play non-EA games? Your speed will be throttled unless you buy the daily internet loot box that may contain a boost up to 75% of the EA connection's speed.

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Trying to fall asleep is basically "fake it till you make it"

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Willy Wonka tells the kids "Anything you want to, do it" and then proceeds to get upset with the children throughout the rest of the movie for doing exactly that.

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Battlefront II is so realistic: the more money you have, the easier it is.

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When driving through a school zone, we pay less attention to the road and more attention to the speedometer.

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Surfing the web has become like watching TV back in the day, just flicking through a handful of websites looking for something new on.

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There is a constant wave of morning alarms circling the globe.

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Out of all the things that “Taste like chicken”, eggs are ironically not one of them.

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The first person to do a back flip was probably considered the coolest guy in the ancient world.

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The sad truth is someone is going to spend over 2k on Battlefront II to have everything unlocked just to brag about it on the internet.

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Thursday, November 16, 2017

Fake alcoholics brag about how much they drank. Real alcoholics lie so they can drink more.

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What if sleep is our natural state and we are only awake to gather information for our dreams??

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Getting money for your birthday each year is like "passing go" in Monopoly

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If you love someone, showing them is better than telling them. If you stop loving someone, telling them is better than showing them.

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Instead of focusing AI piloted cars, maybe we should build AI piloted boats to collect plastic from oceans.

Put sails on them to assist. And solar panels. Nets. The plastic doesn't necesarrily have to be brought to shore but concentrated to safer waters, or perhaps burnt on site, using it as fuel, and have the smoke filtered if necessary. Maybe use high temperatures, hoping it'll burn cleaner. Or have the plastic waste packed into tight cubes, decreasing the plastic's contact surface area with water. Or seal the plastic inside more resistant material, bags or barrels that don't easily decompose. We could consider packing and concentrating the plastic to one area and then nuke it all.