Thursday, November 30, 2017
So much great porn goes unwatched due to poor thumbnail choices
All zoos are petting zoos if you aren't a bitch
You say jizz every time you say oranges.
Waldo wears stripes because he doesn't want to be spotted
Wednesday, November 29, 2017
Historically speaking, the good guys never lose the war.
Is depression 9x heavier on Jupiter?
A snowman is a body of water.
Good music is just vibrations in the correct order.
Peeing in public is only forbidden if you open your pants
Seals are like mermaids for dogs
Pregnant women are literally body builders
EA did to Star Wars what we were worried Disney could do to it.
What if Elon Musk is a time traveler from the future who is getting rich by pretending to invent future technology, but is also warning us about the future deadly killer robot wars that caused him to flee to the past in the first place?
"What if Elon Musk is a time traveler from the future who is getting rich by pretending to invent future technology, but is also warning us about the future deadly killer robot wars that caused him to flee to the past in the first place?" - Not my thought, but it is great so I thought I'd share, source: comment on youtube clip - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nONx_dgr55I - screenshot of comment: http://ift.tt/2jt5cML
Nillionaire is a fancier way of saying that you are broke
If Dick's Sporting Goods ever needs some money, they can probably sell their domain Dicks.com for a good profit.
Tuesday, November 28, 2017
Mom was right. Warped Tour was just a phase.
If companies actually hired millennials to explain what millennials think and help market to them, they probably wouldn't be "ruining" so many industries
And as an added bonus, more millennials would have jobs!
Onion rings and French fries are deep fried binary.
We say "Bow and arrow", but nobody says "Gun and bullet"
Monday, November 27, 2017
There should be a law forcing executive salaries to be within a certain percentage of the average pay of those beneath them, weighted by the number of employees beneath them. That way, to raise your own salary, you would have to find some way to optimize pay for those beneath you as well.
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
Magneto can make Wolverine suck his dick.
On second thought, Magneto can make Wolverine suck everybody's dick.
What if the reason Kenny's parents are so poor is because they have to keep paying for funerals
Funerals aren't cheap.
Sunday, November 26, 2017
People are excited to get a job but dread going to work.
We always say "stupid autocorrect" but never give it positive feedback for the 97% of the work it does.
And for that I'd like to say, goid job autocorrect!
Swiss army knives are like 8% knife
Cooties is a child friendly metaphor for STD’s
No one has ever been in an empty room.
Saturday, November 25, 2017
Some of us are still It from childhood games of tag
Nothing embodies "fake it till you make it" like sleep
Cellphones ruined walkie talkies being badass gifts
Do you ever wonder what your dog named you?
Friday, November 24, 2017
All national anthems are country music
Thanksgiving is probably the holiday that ends in the least sex.
With everyone bloated and tired and cranky from family.
Video game cheat codes are now your credit card number.
You can save 100% by staying home on Black Friday
Nerf is literally a weapons manufacturer for children
The mere act of being a spider is a crime punishable by death.
Every man who's shaved their testicles has the potential to be a heart surgeon.
Concentration levels at maximum capacity
We're really lucky that blinking doesn't make a noise.
Louis CK built a comedy career talking about how he was a messed up, unattractive serial masturbator and people laughed and he was beloved for his raw honesty - until it was revealed he was being honest and then people were disgusted at him.
Thursday, November 23, 2017
Churches are just really successful book clubs.
If the Earth is flat, how is it a global conspiracy?
What if lawyers had their own theme song played, when they enter court for a case
Like wrestlers, when they enter the ring
Technically, a search and rescue helicopter is a search engine.
The human body is technically capable of reproduction at 12, but the brain hasn't stopped fully developing before you're 25. Mentally you're most likely to not be ready to be a father at 25, but physically, you'd be old enough to be someone's grandfather.
What if the asteroid that hit earth and killed the dinosaurs was a UFO and we’re aliens
Not sure if this was posted here already, but my friend told me and I thought it was mind blowing
Drones getting stuck in trees is this generation’s version of kites getting stuck in trees.
Source: got my drone stuck in a tree today.
Wednesday, November 22, 2017
John wick is Neo if he had taken the blue pill
Froot loops are just gay Cheerios
Spongebob should have said he survived out of water the longest of anyone in Bikini Bottom when asked how tough he was at the Salty Spittoon.
Edit: I do not know how this is trending, I am sorry people! I am just over here laughing my ass off reading the comments.
Today is the day the whole internet agreed on something.
We were literally created by a dick move.
College is like a reverse job; you pay people so you can work
Statistically 100% of World Wars are caused by Austrians
Tuesday, November 21, 2017
The oldest person in 2150 may already be alive.
By the rules set in Aladdin you could actually get unlimited wishes by turning other people into Genies and getting 3 more wishes
In Aladdin they established that you cannot wish for more wishes. However, they also showed that a person can make a wish to turn someone into a Genie when Jafar was tricked into wishing for just that.
Therefore with 3 wishes you could; 1. I wish for x 2. I wish Jasmine were turned into a Genie 3. I wish for your freedom Pick up Jasmine's lamp 1. I wish for x 2. I wish the Sultan were turned into a Genie 3. I wish for your freedom Rinse and repeat
The scariest thought of being immortal is outliving the earth.
“Meatball” is probabaly the laziest named food after “Orange”.
The target audience for the Incredibles 2 is a generation that was not alive when the original came out.
It is set to come out next summer and everyone who remembers watching the first movie as a child (when it came out) will be an adult when the sequel comes out.
Imagine traveling back in time and visiting your younger self and telling them that they can't see the sequel until adulthood
"DON'T TOUCH!" must be terrifying to read in braille.
The surface on most planets is breathtaking.
Monday, November 20, 2017
Snakes are just tails with faces.
Teachers should be asking students to write short 1-page essays and dock them points for not being concise instead of requiring long 4-page essays. In everyday life, no one likes to read a wall of text.
The real skill is in knowing how to make your point understood in the least number of words.
If most animals don't recognize their own reflection because their brains aren't complex enough, there could be a chance humans observe things we cannot comprehend and don’t know we cannot comprehend because our brains lack that complexity.
Jerky is more like an animal cracker than animal crackers are.
Taking a dog to the dog park is like dropping a teenager off at a party. You think they're gonna spend quality time with their peers and make new best friends. They're just thinking about getting in fights and humping each other.
There might have been a slave owner who purchased an abundance of slaves so that other slave owners couldn’t subject these slaves to horrible lives. If there was such a person, history would probably remember him in a negative light for owning so many slaves.
Sunday, November 19, 2017
We live in the only era that has fat poor people.
You can go your entire life without drinking water or eating.
“Guess The Subreddit” would be a fun game.
Batman is essentially a Pay2Win Superhero
The iPhone X is more expensive than 2 humans in Libya
Saturday, November 18, 2017
They should send out another probe in the direction of voyager so when it gets too far for the signal to reach earth, the new probe will still be within “earshot” and it’ll relay the signal back to Earth. Much like a wifi range extender.
Who isnt aware of breast cancer at this point?
Edit: this is just a shower thought for the record. I'm not making an actual statement or something
People always say it's stupid of people in horror movies to go towards the sound. But if you were in the same situation you probably would as well, since very few people make decisions on the assumption that the world is haunted.
Memes are just inside jokes with people you don't know
Every mirror you buy in the store is in a used condition
Going up the stairs 2 steps at a time is a piece of cake. Going down them 2 steps at a time is a terrifying experience.
Tried it this morning when I had to run back upstairs for something I forgot-- felt like I was going to blow out my knees. 0/10 Would not recommend.
Memes are just inside jokes with the whole internet
Yoyos were the fidget spinners of our time
You can always say, “It’s not Opposite Day,” and be correct.
When you buy a physical copy of an album there should be a QR code you can scan that will automatically register that you’ve bought the album and download it to your music library/player instead of having to rip the disc to a computer first. This would be especially good for vinyl.
Our ancestors wiped their asses with leaves. Today, we chop down trees, trucks the logs to a factory, grind the wood into pulp, bleach it, press it thinly, cut it into rolls, wrap it in plastic, ship it to stores, we buy it, take it home, hang it on the wall, and wipe our asses with it.
Friday, November 17, 2017
Of course its a starwars game that starts a consumer rebellion
EA's Disaster is smokescreening Net Neutrality
And Comcast had (has?) a deal with EA to stream games.
If Comcast teams up with EA after the repeal of net neutrality, our worst fears will be realized. Want to play non-EA games? Your speed will be throttled unless you buy the daily internet loot box that may contain a boost up to 75% of the EA connection's speed.
Trying to fall asleep is basically "fake it till you make it"
There is a constant wave of morning alarms circling the globe.
Thursday, November 16, 2017
Instead of focusing AI piloted cars, maybe we should build AI piloted boats to collect plastic from oceans.
Put sails on them to assist. And solar panels. Nets. The plastic doesn't necesarrily have to be brought to shore but concentrated to safer waters, or perhaps burnt on site, using it as fuel, and have the smoke filtered if necessary. Maybe use high temperatures, hoping it'll burn cleaner. Or have the plastic waste packed into tight cubes, decreasing the plastic's contact surface area with water. Or seal the plastic inside more resistant material, bags or barrels that don't easily decompose. We could consider packing and concentrating the plastic to one area and then nuke it all.
People who need glasses had to pay extra for life’s HD option
Beef jerky is just cow raisins.
Wednesday, November 15, 2017
Currently Earth is undefeated in the Miss Universe Pageant.
Cannibalism has the power to solve overpopulation and world hunger
-A shower thought from a friend of mine...don't know what he does in the shower...
Tuesday, November 14, 2017
The only use of pennies is to avoid getting more
Sour Patch Kids only become sweet after you suck them off.
If a Muppet eats you out, is it oral or a handjob?
The smarter you are, the dumber you sound to stupid people.
Everything a chef creates turns to shit
Monday, November 13, 2017
If you buy a product you should never have to see an ad about it again
Just bought the Google home and I still have to scroll past it on social media. I've already done what you wanted Google LEAVE ME ALONE
Using Limewire was like having unprotected sex with the Internet
Mr. Krabs' greed is a pun on his being shellfish.
The yellow M&M is dumb because he has a peanut for a brain.
The numbers in tomorrow's date (11/13/17) are consecutive prime numbers
The next time you can say this won't be until 2105 (02/03/05).
You will never be in an empty room
Children are like a free app with a crap ton of in app purchases
Sunday, November 12, 2017
There is no light inside your body. It's all dark and squishy.
Maybe breaking a mirror is 7 years of bad luck because that's how long it takes for each cell in your body to be replaced completely, therefore meaning you technically aren't the person who broke the mirror anymore.
So this pretty much means breaking a mirror is a lifetime of bad luck, until your body replaces the cells that were you.
Parkour is the adult version of The Floor is Lava.
I️ bet people with one arm are amazing at spooning.
Barnes and Nobles' reciepts should double as bookmarks
Kanye should accuse himself of sexually harassing Kanye
There is no reason Colonel should sound the way it does.
Male pornstars get money for nuttin’ and chicks for free.
Well I suppose technically it’s money for NOT nutting for long periods of time.
Saturday, November 11, 2017
The fact that the sentence, ' Jake rustled Jerry's Jimmies by Joshing him about his Johnson in the John.', makes any sense is remarkable.
To translate,
Jake upset Jerry by joking about his penis in the bathroom.