Sunday, December 31, 2017
Foxes are just cat software running on dog hardware
At the age of 60, Snoop Dogg will be 420 in dog years
If pigs could fly, pig wings would be delicious
Today is the last day of 2017. Everyone born in the 1990's are now adults, there are no more 90's kids.
To clarify, I am from and live in Australia and it is the 31st over here.
Saturday, December 30, 2017
Unless you’re doing laundry naked you’ll never be caught up.
Flowers are like really slow fireworks
Tomorrow, the last “90s Kid” will become an adult.
Bad spellers have the best passwords.
A work friend quitting or getting fired is like a character you like dying in a tv show
I thought about this watching GoT last night. You miss them for a little bit then pretty much forget them and never see them again.
Colorful shaving cream would make shaving a lot more enjoyable
Friday, December 29, 2017
The longer you stay at home, the more homeless you look.
People born in 2000 will be in porn next year.
Dragons like to hoard treasure to attract adventurers to easily eat.
What manipulative, conniving devils, huh?
Yes, a moderator’s account went rogue. Yes, everything will be reverted. Yes, that was trippy. Let this be a reminder to enable 2-factor authentication on your account!
Go here to enable 2-factor authentication: http://ift.tt/2pTZmdK
For those of you who want to relive the glory, here you go. Thanks /u/27jackstreet for immortalizing the minute we became a real life /r/woahdude post.
If you have one choice you actually have zero choices.
There should be an option at hospitals that if you willingly donate a kidney and throughout life your only remaining kidney fails you have priority on the kidney transplant list if you fail to find a donor within your family/friends circle.
That would definitely motivate more people to become donors.
Thursday, December 28, 2017
Fishing is the underwater version of alien abduction
If you put your phone in your pocket at exactly 11:59:00 on New Years Eve, you can ring in 2018 fully focused on the moment and embracing the people that you love, rather than staring at a screen filming a 10 second snap story that nobody is gonna remember.
There should be brake lights that vary in intensity depending on how hard the brake pedal is being pushed. ex. pressing harder would emit a brighter and more noticeable brake light.
edit: lowest brake light would still be easily visible.
Do crabs think we’re walking sideways
It would take 11,407 years to spend 1 minute with 6 billion different people. No one will ever meet everyone. Enjoy every moment with the people that are in your life, because you are sharing your life with them and they are sharing their life with you.
Any company can be non-profit if you're bad enough at running it.
Edit: Guys pls I'm trying to make a funny.
The border into Finland should be renamed the Finnish line
Imagine you have a job 1 hour drive away, but the job can be done on a computer. A self-driving car could become a self-driving office, so that the first and last hours of your 8 hour work day could be done in the car, and when you punch out, you’re already at home.
Wednesday, December 27, 2017
Adulthood is wanting to cry for 4 days straight but not having the time.
Gotta schedule our breakdowns now
Bubble wrap is basically imported air from China
why do we assume aliens would be roughly the same size as us, they could be the size of a mountain or a speck of dust
All these UFO sightings are always a standard human sized craft. Not buying it
Owning a pet is (usually) only a fraction of a human’s life. In contrast, to that pet, you are, and always will be the whole world to them.
Found this on twitter thought I’d share it.
From now on, people watching Pulp Fiction for the first time will never understand why Vincent gets upset that a milkshake costs $5.
These days a $5 shake might seem like a great deal in some places.
There are 7 Billion versions of the past 24 hours.
Imagine how terrifying the world would be if snakes could fly
Tuesday, December 26, 2017
Working at home sucks if you're a firefighter.
If giraffes were extinct we'd go "Wow, imagine if they were alive!"
Now we just don't care about how incredibly cool this animal is...
You know you’ve had an amazing acting career when people can’t decide if your better as the Joker or Luke Skywalker.
I swear, Mark Hamill just keep getting better with age; the wisdom of a Jedi, I suppose.
'No lemon, no melon' backwards is 'No lemon, no melon'
Edit: thx 4 da ♡
Never confuse a family trip with a vacation
Monday, December 25, 2017
A lawyer is someone you pay to take your side in an argument
Depression is a kind of tired that sleep doesn't fix.
High schools should have a required course on what comes after graduation. Students should have basic understanding of finances, what's involved with getting into college and tech schools, and strategies for getting into the work force on their terms.
Laughing must be terrifying to deaf people
People get practice teeth before real teeth
Sunday, December 24, 2017
Fire would be fucking terrifying if it was invisible
"Home Alone" is entirely Heather's fault.
Girl can't count for shit. She counts herself twice, and skips a kid when she gets to 6...on top of counting the neighbor kid.
Then she is all smug about it in the van. Heather sucks.
Home is where it smells like nothing
Something that is more pixelated is actually less pixelated
Saturday, December 23, 2017
Zoos are elaborate prisons for animals that aren't delicious.
In limbo you raise the standards by lowering the bar.
First we learn to read, then we read to learn
The Cookie Monster is most kids first experience with a junkie.
Every planet in star wars has the same gravity.
Adding an s to the end of needles is needless
Friday, December 22, 2017
It's far too easy to accidentally create a whole new person.
There are two types of people: Those who reuse the same 2-3 alarms, and those who make a new one every time and never delete any of them and end up with hundreds and so many of them are set for the same time and SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL SARAH NOBODY NEEDS FIVE ALARMS SET FOR 7:30 AM. Fuck.
Growing up is realizing that $100 dollars is not a lot of money.
James Bond is actually a decoy to keep the villains busy and confused while the real spies do their jobs covertly without suspicion
And they credit him success so that their cover doesn’t get blown away
Pretty sure Mrs Claus is fake. She was invented because people couldn't handle the idea of an unmarried elderly man watching children all year long and then giving them presents based on his own deluded judgements of naughty or nice.
Arby's is a phonetic spelling of roast beef's initials
Thursday, December 21, 2017
Men in porn videos need to shut up
Ketchup makes bad food taste good and good food taste bad
People will say a very skilled person is gifted or talented instead of attributing it to hard work and practice so they can feel better about themselves instead of blaming their lack of skills on their lack of interest and laziness.
You have to be odd to be number one
Coffee filters should come in a pk of 365. Not 200.
If you pick up one ant and place it somewhere kilometers away, will he find new job ?
They live in colonies. So I am wondering. If you place him somewhere to the other forest, will he find others of his kind and join them ?
Squirrels are just parkour rats.
Today is the five year anniversary of the end of the world.
Roomba is an anagram, and provides the function of, a broom.
Brunch definitely sounds better than Leakfast.
2 steps forward and 2 steps back is still 4 steps on a Fitbit.
Wednesday, December 20, 2017
Mall Santas must have the most amazing immune systems.
Rich people’s pets live better than most poor people.
Viagra is basically caps lock your penis
We only know about serial killers that are bad at their job.
Edit: ok maybe it's not their "job", hobby is probably a better phrase
Edit: obviously there are examples of ones we know about but were never caught. A majority however we only know because of their incarceration
The gay flag is a rainbow that is straight.
Egypt should just start building pyramids again..just for fun
The Continent with the most educated workforce is Antarctica.
A cup holder is really just a cup, for cups
Tuesday, December 19, 2017
A strip club with no music would be really unsettling.
The Ninja Turtles literally have no reason to wear masks.
Emma Stone is what Lindsey Lohan could have been.
Monday, December 18, 2017
Working is just exchanging life for money.
Do receptionists at sperm banks say "Thanks for coming"?
If the court system worked where someone said they were victimized, presented no evidence, and we locked the offender away and told them not to defend themselves because we believe the thing we heard first without question, we would consider that an unfair system. That’s social media justice.
If you die by hanging, the suspense is literally killing you.
"Faded af" backwards is "faded af"
Sunday, December 17, 2017
A "selfie-stick" could easily be a euphemism for a dildo
"Only a sith deals in absolutes," is an absolute statement.
"faded af" backwards is "faded af"
The best liar you know is not the best liar you know
Google should make it so that looking up “Is Santa real?” With safe search on only gives yes answers.
You know, for the kiddos.
have you ever wondered what your dog named you?
Mercedes has 3 E’s and they are all pronounced differently.
Saturday, December 16, 2017
Boobs are the best stress balls
Rhinos are just fat unicorns.
Why is there a "D" in fridge, but not in refrigerator?
In today's world of voice activated virtual assistants, AskJeeves would be a great brand to resurrect.
"Hey Jeeves, remind me to pick up my dry cleaning?"
"Hey Jeeves, what's in the news this morning?"
"Hey Jeeves, how do I tie a tie?"
Calling a microwave a microwave is like calling a hose a water
Every corpse on Everest was once an extremely motivated person
Sitting in a bathtub is the inverse of being in a canoe
Friday, December 15, 2017
Sometimes the idea of a single evil corporation ruling everything just feels easier than dealing with the hundreds evil medium-sized corporations ruling over us today.
Let's consolidate the evil
The invention of the portal would revolutionise the glory hole
Like a portable ring
Tornados are probably full of spiders.
A bowling alley is a pretty bad place to serve finger foods.
Other people in your dreams are limited to your vocabulary.
They could use words you don’t know, but they couldn’t use a word you’ve never heard before.
How long can a knife get before it is considered a sword?
Only in movies is the head of the IT department an IT genius.
Now that Disney is buying 20th Century Fox, Hank Hill can be an avenger.
Also, we can have a whole three-episode arc where Peggy pretends to be a witch so she can substitute teach at Hogwarts.
Maybe the sock wants to be single you don't know
Thursday, December 14, 2017
The highest honor a spy can receive is an award from the enemy
Being born is a death sentence
Wednesday, December 13, 2017
Anything is a UFO if you're stupid enough.
Soon we'll have pornstars born in 2000 popping up
If a cop wanted to murder you, you have no virtually no way of survival. If you tried to defend yourself, you'd be shot. If you didn't try to defend yourself, you would still be shot.
In a situation like this, you have pretty much no means of survival no matter what you do. If you do succeed, there's still a big chance of life in prison or a death sentence. You're pretty much fucked in every way possible.
Without the laugh track, The Big Bang Theory is a depressing TV show about mentally disabled people unable to perform normal social actions
EDIT: I actually like the show guys stop insulting me :(
Shirts are crazy, your body goes in 1 hole and out 3
In three years it will be the 20s again.
Tuesday, December 12, 2017
The less pixelized something is, the more pixels there are
Life would be a lot more fun without fall damage.
Tired? Just go up to your roof and jump off it for adrenaline.
True friendship is when silence is not awkward but enjoyable.
Monday, December 11, 2017
Waze should have a "never suggest this route again" option
Swipping on tinder while horny is like grocery shopping while hungry.
Yea I get it, i accidently put an extra p.
People who say "ignore bullies and they'll stop" were never long-term targets for bullies.
Bullies usually have certain targets that they bully regularly. If you ignore a bully and he stops, that means that you are not one of these targets. If you are, then ignoring the bullying causes it to escalate.
I spent a week with a small group of kids going to various events and places for a week on field trips. Most of them didn't normally bully me because we didn't share classes. I was the obvious target as the rest of them knew each other and I was well-known as the kid that gets bullied and picked last in gym and that you don't sit with at lunch unless you want to be bullied too.
I did a very good job ignoring the bullying. It started with throwing food in my hair, taking my things when I left them unattended, and making out with each other on top of me. It progressed to physical assault that ripped my clothes and caused me to bleed. It would have continued to escalate if adults didn't notice it at that point. A number of people were expelled and suspended, which caused my bullying in-school to get much much worse and people who would hang out with me in private became too afraid of retribution to do so.
Also in a single instance, ignoring causes escalation. Once I had a ball I was playing with. Bigger kids wanted the ball. I ignored them and ran away playing with it by myself. The more I ignored them and tried to not be involved with them, the more they pursued me. I refused to let go of the ball because I was playing with it and there were plenty more where it came from. The ended up dragging and spinning and throwing me around by the ball. Shortly thereafter they repeatedly pelted me in the balls with the kickball until I agreed to stop playing. They would have all been expelled but it was a few days before the end of the semester and they were well-liked by everybody so they just graduated to high school instead.
In high school the bullying died down after my freshman year and I began to learn how to be a person.
You’ll never truly know someone well enough to marry until you’ve seen them struggle financially, grieve a lost loved one, or witness them while they’re sick.
Quote from my psych professor
Raisins are grape jerky
Yep. That's pretty much it.
All photos of animals have been taken without their consent
If you have granite tile, the floor really is lava.
Owning a cat is like living with a bi-polar ninja.
Sunday, December 10, 2017
Prostitution is a more honest business than Comcast
Though they both get paid to screw people
Star Wars is one of the deadliest film series ever - entire planet system, entire planet, two artificial moons, a city, a military facility, a giant 19km ship and countless other ships and persons were completely obliterated or killed - yet there is hardly any blood shown onscreen.
Some blood when a random guy looses an arm. A bit of blood on Finn's helmet and some drops of Kylo Ren.
If Santa always knows when you're naughty or nice, then he should have known Rudolph was being bullied
Hate to kill the holiday mood, but I'd say Santa's a bit of a hypocrite.
Home is where the water is tasteless.
It is pretty fucked up for people who have a medical marijuana card so that they can be in a healthy enough state to work, but then their work can fire them for using marijuana therapeutically outside of work. Yet none of this applies to prescription opiates.
Are fire ants like jalapeƱos to anteaters?
Saturday, December 9, 2017
Super large cheeseburgers should have a lot of surface area instead of ridiculous height
That is not how mouths work, y’all.