#42 The answer to life the universe and everything: December 2017

For those of you who want to relive the glory, here you go. Thanks /u/27jackstreet for immortalizing the minute we became a real life /r/woahdude post.

It's weird that humans personify objects and animals, but objectify other humans and treat them like animals

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we should bring back the draft, but instead of going into the military, you have to work a retail/customer service job if you haven't yet

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Enough time has passed for us to legitimately see "That '90s Show" made.

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There should be a dating site where you talk to an AI that learns your personality and then talks to other peoples AIs to match you

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If you have one choice you actually have zero choices.

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If you ever bury treasure make sure to put an empty chest on top. Anyone who finds it will think someone already took the dosh.

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There's probably some women out there whose children secretly belong to the wrong man and are freaking out about the fact that people are taking DNA tests for fun.

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If it's true that "you either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain", then it should come as no surprise that "only the good die young".

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There should be an option at hospitals that if you willingly donate a kidney and throughout life your only remaining kidney fails you have priority on the kidney transplant list if you fail to find a donor within your family/friends circle.

That would definitely motivate more people to become donors.

Going inside because you're cold is basically wearing a building to stay warm

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Cologne that doesn’t smell wouldn’t make scents, sense, or cents.

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Taking candy from a baby is actually the responsible thing to do

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Buying an ipad to replace a laptop is trading port ability for portability.

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Thursday, December 28, 2017

it should be building code that all bathroom doors open outward so you dont have to grab a nasty door handle on the way out

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Barbie is a terrible employee. She's had over 180 occupations meaning she has never kept a job for more than a few months.

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The human page in a lizard’s book about different animals would probably include: ”Fun fact! Human hair grows back if you chop it off”

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Fishing is the underwater version of alien abduction

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If someone has to resort to stealing condoms, they almost certainly can’t afford the financial responsibility of not stealing condoms

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Instead of kissing at midnight on December 31st, we should do group hugs. The last thing people should feel going into the new year is alone.

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If a beer company named their beer "Responsibly," all other beer companies would automatically be advertising their product for them.

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If someone guessed the year the world would end correctly they wouldn’t get the credit they deserved.

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Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

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In movies, Santa never flies to the next house over, he gets in his sleigh and decides to fly like 50 miles east.

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Maybe “Smith” is a common surname because black smiths were never forced to serve combat roles during war

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Goths must be so annoyed that it's now mainstream to hate life and other people

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If people could approach life with the same confidence that Indian men approach women online, anxiety wouldnt exist.

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If you put your phone in your pocket at exactly 11:59:00 on New Years Eve, you can ring in 2018 fully focused on the moment and embracing the people that you love, rather than staring at a screen filming a 10 second snap story that nobody is gonna remember.

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There should be brake lights that vary in intensity depending on how hard the brake pedal is being pushed. ex. pressing harder would emit a brighter and more noticeable brake light.

edit: lowest brake light would still be easily visible.

Do crabs think we’re walking sideways

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A 15 second ad you can skip after 5 seconds is way less annoying than a 5 second ad you have to fully watch.

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If someone really “Lived every day like it was their last” they’d have a great week, a terrible month, and be dead within a year.

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It would take 11,407 years to spend 1 minute with 6 billion different people. No one will ever meet everyone. Enjoy every moment with the people that are in your life, because you are sharing your life with them and they are sharing their life with you.

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Rather than a scary grim reaper, visualize death as a Mother, embracing and picking us up after a hurt; our sleepy heads resting safe on her shoulder as she carries us home after a long day.

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A lot of parenting is trying to figure out how to keep this little kid from being an asshole when they grow up.

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Any company can be non-profit if you're bad enough at running it.

Edit: Guys pls I'm trying to make a funny.

The real heroes of the Star Wars galaxy are in the spaceship building industry. No matter how badly a ship is damaged, the gravity never gives out.

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The border into Finland should be renamed the Finnish line

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If all the cells in the human body are replaced every 7-10 years, then all the embarrassing things you did over a decade ago were done by someone else.

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Depression is living in the past, while anxiety is living in the future.

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Imagine you have a job 1 hour drive away, but the job can be done on a computer. A self-driving car could become a self-driving office, so that the first and last hours of your 8 hour work day could be done in the car, and when you punch out, you’re already at home.

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If a poor person does drugs, it’s trashy. If a rich person does drugs, it’s an “extravagant lifestyle”.

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If you eat well, get good sleep, exercise and drink plenty of water, you'll die anyways.

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Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Adulthood is wanting to cry for 4 days straight but not having the time.

Gotta schedule our breakdowns now

Bubble wrap is basically imported air from China

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Anxiety is like when video game combat music is playing but you can't find any enemies.

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Pinterest doesn't own any content. They literally hold Google's search results for ransom.

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January 1st, 2018 is a monday. A fresh week, fresh month and a fresh year. If you want to start over, you cannot possibly find a better time.

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"What did we do to deserve dogs?" Well, we literally genetically engineered them to like us ... that's what we did

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why do we assume aliens would be roughly the same size as us, they could be the size of a mountain or a speck of dust

All these UFO sightings are always a standard human sized craft. Not buying it

A lot of people are going to be pissed when they find out their self-driving car wont go 60 in a 55.

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Physical books should come with 'digital download' codes so you can have an ebook copy too.

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Owning a pet is (usually) only a fraction of a human’s life. In contrast, to that pet, you are, and always will be the whole world to them.

Found this on twitter thought I’d share it.

From now on, people watching Pulp Fiction for the first time will never understand why Vincent gets upset that a milkshake costs $5.

These days a $5 shake might seem like a great deal in some places.

During the Super Bowl sombody should set up an ad that just says, “Alexa, play Never Gonna Give You Up, by Rick Astley.”

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Humans are made up of a sperm from the male and egg of a female. Females are born with all the eggs they will have in their entire life. Part of you existed the day your mother was born.

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There are 7 Billion versions of the past 24 hours.

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Imagine how terrifying the world would be if snakes could fly

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Searching for a Google image of something and getting a Pinterest result is just basically saying "Guess we're not looking at that one today"

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If headlights automatically turned on with windshield wipers, there wouldn’t be dumbasses driving around in the rain with no headlights on.

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Tuesday, December 26, 2017

Your diapers from childhood are sitting in a landfill somewhere, not even partially decomposed. By the time you hit old age, they still won’t be halfway decomposed.

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Working at home sucks if you're a firefighter.

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They should redeem the Home Alone franchise by making a final movie with Macaulay Culkin coming to terms with himself and his family after years of anxiety and drug abuse caused by abandonment issues.

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You always know when an angry person is angry, but someone who always seems calm could be 3 inches away from stabbing you in the throat with a toothbrush handle and you'd never know.

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If giraffes were extinct we'd go "Wow, imagine if they were alive!"

Now we just don't care about how incredibly cool this animal is...

Radio stations interrupt their commercial-free program by playing a commercial on how they are commercial-free

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Spelling errors on porn site comments shouldn't be judged too harshly since they were most likely typed one handed.

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Glitter should be a controlled substance with a minimum age of 18 to handle.

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You know you’ve had an amazing acting career when people can’t decide if your better as the Joker or Luke Skywalker.

I swear, Mark Hamill just keep getting better with age; the wisdom of a Jedi, I suppose.

Maybe people would be better at standing up and talking if we hadn't been told to sit down and shut up for the first quarter of our lives

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Owning all the properties in monopoly and just collecting people’s rent money until they’re broke must be what it feels like to be a billionaire in real life.

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If Google Devices Only Start Listening Once You Say "Okay Google", Then How Do They Know When You Say "Okay Google"?

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If the theory that we are living in a simulation turns out to be true, we just broke the fourth wall in real life.

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If reincarnation is real, it's likely you'll be reborn as an alien in a distant galaxy with no knowledge of Earth.

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The first sip of coffee from a tall insulated cup with a lid is terrifying.

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We don’t really talk about the fact that the Ewoks were minutes from literally murdering and eating Luke and Han.

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Phones used to ring to get your attention, now they always have our attention so they stay on silent.

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Life IS like a box of chocolates. The good pieces are always taken unless you learn to like the ones that nobody else does.

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"This, too, shall pass" would make a great slogan for a stool softener

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On New Year’s Eve, every single adult in the world will have been born in the 20th century and every child will have been born in the 21st century, and that’s the only day that’s true for.

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As a kid, carnival rides are scary because they’re fast. As an adult, carnival rides are scary because you’re worried about their maintenance.

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Sucide is really self defence cause you are killing the person trying to kill you

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'No lemon, no melon' backwards is 'No lemon, no melon'

Edit: thx 4 da ♡

Cars should have a "shame light" for when you've made a driving mistake and you want everyone to know you're sorry

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"Naughty" kids used to get coal for presents because their parents had to choose between buying them gifts and heating their houses.

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Never confuse a family trip with a vacation

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If everyone treated life like a game, we'd all be super fit from sprinting everywhere

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Monday, December 25, 2017

Having a mental health issue is like having two broken legs except nobody else can see it

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Soon, teaching kids not to click on internet Click-Bait Ads will be more important than teaching them about Stranger Danger.

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The saying better late than never is very true when it comes to waking up

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It's fucked up that whole countries go to war just because a few assholes can't get along.

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A lawyer is someone you pay to take your side in an argument

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We want to make AI seem more human while actual people are forced to work like robots and show little emotion on the job.

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"Private investigator" could technically be used in place of "gynecologist".

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We should all brag about how much tax we pay instead of how much money we make so rich people will want to actually pay them.

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The real life equivalent of a repost is when someone says a joke and no one hears it, then someone else says the exact same thing and everyone laughs.

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Why won’t a women date a guy that still lives with his mom, but she’ll date a guy that still lives with his wife?

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Depression is a kind of tired that sleep doesn't fix.

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High schools should have a required course on what comes after graduation. Students should have basic understanding of finances, what's involved with getting into college and tech schools, and strategies for getting into the work force on their terms.

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As you get older, receiving new underwear and socks as gifts gets exponentially better.

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Bikinis reveal 90% of a woman's body, but men are classy enough to look at the 10% that's covered.

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Best thing about winter if you forgot leftovers in the car you can still eat them the next day

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If Apple just recently admitted to slowing down older versions of user's iPhones, they're probably doing the same shit to iMac's and MacBooks.

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The story of Rudolph just goes to show that talented people are viewed as strange until someone with power and respect says otherwise.

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One day an archaeologist will apply for PhD funding to play our current computer games and watch DVDs so they can understand us better.

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Laughing must be terrifying to deaf people

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If you use an entire can of paint to paint a room you’ve shrunk the room by one can of paint.

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People get practice teeth before real teeth

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Marilyn Monroe is still a sex symbol because we never saw her old.

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Naughty kids can easily take revenge on Santa by burning the coal and contributing to the destruction of his habitat via the greenhouse effect

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"Hell yeah!" is the exact opposite of the old phrase "Heavens, no".

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Sunday, December 24, 2017

Food doesn't "go bad." Something else just starts eating it before you do.

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Fire would be fucking terrifying if it was invisible

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"Tender and mild" more aptly describes chicken wings than a holy infant.

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Nowadays, it's easier to get good internet connection than a good human connection.

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The most consistently good part of Star Wars has been John Williams

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When the first human is born on Mars we will have to add ‘Planet of Origin’ to our passports.

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Quitting cable news is like quitting smoking. After a year without you see how disgusting it really is.

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"Home Alone" is entirely Heather's fault.

Girl can't count for shit. She counts herself twice, and skips a kid when she gets to 6...on top of counting the neighbor kid.

Then she is all smug about it in the van. Heather sucks.

In 10 years Instagram will have millions of inactive dead dogs accounts.

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How bout a slow clap for the person who decided to put lines on the back of wrapping paper.

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Dora the Explorer is an explorer, yet has only been to mapped regions

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you never realise how much you fart, until you start dating a new person

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Home is where it smells like nothing

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The real reason men don't know they're getting hit on isn't because they're thick, it's because it happens so rarely we're never looking for it

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C-3PO survived two generations of war while iPhone can't even survive two iOS updates

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If SpaceX had delayed their launch a few days until Xmas eve, parents in Los Angeles could have blown their kids minds telling them it was Santa

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Maybe instead of promoting that any gender can wear makeup and look beautiful. We can instead promote that no one has to wear makeup to be beautiful.

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Something that is more pixelated is actually less pixelated

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Saturday, December 23, 2017

Zoos are elaborate prisons for animals that aren't delicious.

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There will be many people,who over the next couple of days will be experiencing a hard and difficult time alone. Thoughts and best wishes are with you. Take care.

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When we colonise Mars, there will be "Earth truthers" claiming that humans never came from Earth and that Earth never existed.

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The first group of people that head to another star on a spaceship will probably get passed by a ship that leaves 100 years later, with better technology

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In limbo you raise the standards by lowering the bar.

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Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we live in the golden age of silent films.

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Apparently "The Good Old Days" were so much better and yet somehow, simultaneously, "We don't know how lucky we are" to have everything so easy and handed to us on a plate....

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If Samsung doesn’t come out with marketing soon with something to the effect of “we don’t slow down older phones like apple,” they’re probably guilty too

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School essays require correctly formatted citations/bibliography pages, yet major news publications only include “according to sources.”

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First we learn to read, then we read to learn

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The Cookie Monster is most kids first experience with a junkie.

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It’s a great sign of respect when someone takes both headphones out instead of just one to talk to you.

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The popularity of flash mobs came out of nowhere then completely disappeared

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Teachers who said that highschool will be the best part of our lives must have had really depressing lives.

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Every planet in star wars has the same gravity.

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We say "hair" when referring to lots of it, but we say "hairs" when referring to a few.

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Wrapping paper is proof that colored ink doesn't need to be as expensive as it is

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Everyone freaking out about what the SpaceX launch was, shows just how crazy people would go if aliens ever visited.

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Adding an s to the end of needles is needless

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That scissor glide you get when cutting wrapping paper makes you feel like master of the fucking universe

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Kids these days won't know the joy of having the last song on a record finish, then being too high to get up and put another disc on, listening to 8 minutes of silence, and then get surprised by the secret hidden track.

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Samuel L. Jackson doesn't even act anymore. He just shows up on set dressed up as whatever character the studio needs for the day.

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The fact that nobody would accept a diamond as a form of payment should be proof that they're worthless

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Friday, December 22, 2017

People with actually high IQs don't post about it on the internet

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Maybe the placebo effect is the reason we have believed in so many strange healing methods throughout history

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Holidays stop being fun when you are old enough to realize you are in a low-income family and your parents stress a lot about the holidays.

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It's far too easy to accidentally create a whole new person.

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Pet stores should put "Chameleon" on empty cages just to see how long people would look

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Why does Daisy Duck have boobs and birthing hips while Minnie Mouse doesn't, when Minnie is the mammal that's supposed to breastfeed kids and give birth?

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A glass is only half empty if you're drinking it. A glass is half full if you're in the process of filling it. It's all dependent on the action really.

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There are two types of people: Those who reuse the same 2-3 alarms, and those who make a new one every time and never delete any of them and end up with hundreds and so many of them are set for the same time and SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL SARAH NOBODY NEEDS FIVE ALARMS SET FOR 7:30 AM. Fuck.

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Growing up is realizing that $100 dollars is not a lot of money.

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When you’re a child, your parents can see you naked and a stranger shouldn’t, but when you’re an adult, strangers can see you naked but your parents shouldn’t.

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James Bond is actually a decoy to keep the villains busy and confused while the real spies do their jobs covertly without suspicion

And they credit him success so that their cover doesn’t get blown away

You know how you can entertain a baby by jingling your car keys - well it works again when they reach 18

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Pretty sure Mrs Claus is fake. She was invented because people couldn't handle the idea of an unmarried elderly man watching children all year long and then giving them presents based on his own deluded judgements of naughty or nice.

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Arby's is a phonetic spelling of roast beef's initials

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7 billion people experienced this day in their own completely unique way.

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The lower the amount of money you make, the harder you are expected to work to earn it.

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The exercise machines in gyms should be hooked up to generators that feed back into the grid.

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It must be confusing to non-English speakers to see "boneless buffalo wings" on a menu

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If you get DiGiorno’s pizza from a grocery delivery service, it’s delivery and DiGiorno’s.

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Every night it's a race between falling asleep and thinking of that one really awkward moment from 5 years ago

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The only thing worse than not catching the microwave at 1 second, is having a microwave that doesn't stop beeping after you open it at 0 seconds.

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The teacher first tells you the importance of a 7+ hour sleep. Then they gives you assignments that keeps you up for the next seven nights.

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One of the biggest scams in life was your mom saying she won't get angry if you say the truth

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The food pyramid is a “pyramid” not “triangle,” so what’s on the other sides?

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Thursday, December 21, 2017

Men in porn videos need to shut up

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Ketchup makes bad food taste good and good food taste bad

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People will say a very skilled person is gifted or talented instead of attributing it to hard work and practice so they can feel better about themselves instead of blaming their lack of skills on their lack of interest and laziness.

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When someone says "hold your horses" they are telling you to be stable

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You have to be odd to be number one

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A direct relative of yours was alive during every major event in human history.

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The first people to drive on a snow covered road get to decide where the lanes are.

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Even if you're good at everything else, if you are bad at being motivated you'll never find out

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There should be a “delayed send” button for text messages so you don’t look eager, but you don’t forget.

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If this is the biggest corporate tax cut in history, it should literally be the best time in history to ask for a raise.

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Coffee filters should come in a pk of 365. Not 200.

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If you pick up one ant and place it somewhere kilometers away, will he find new job ?

They live in colonies. So I am wondering. If you place him somewhere to the other forest, will he find others of his kind and join them ?

The only reason Arial became a widely accepted font is because it's near the top of the list and looks nice.

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If you release a death metal album with a classical music interlude, no one bats an eye. If you release a classical music album with a death metal interlude, everyone will bat an eye.

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Jiggling around cheap iPhone chargers to find the 'sweet spot' is the millennial version of tweaking a TV antenna.

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Squirrels are just parkour rats.

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Today is the five year anniversary of the end of the world.

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The (Star Wars) Empire's biggest engineering oversight was designing Tie-Fighter shaped ships in a galaxy (seemingly) filled with Millennium Falcon shaped caverns, holes, corridors, tunnels, chasms, and openings.

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Somebody, somewhere has a "hakuna matata" tattoo that they worry about people seeing

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Life would be so much easier if the entire world adopted a universal second language. We could all be taught it in schools and no matter where you traveled in the world you could communicate.

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Roomba is an anagram, and provides the function of, a broom.

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Brunch definitely sounds better than Leakfast.

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It’s okay to hate gay people. It’s not okay to hate them because they’re gay.

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The most unbelievable part of the Harry Potter series is abusive foster parents raising a child from infancy in a closet and he turns out a nice kid.

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2 steps forward and 2 steps back is still 4 steps on a Fitbit.

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If O.J. hadn’t murdered his wife, the Kardashian’s wouldn’t be famous.

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Wednesday, December 20, 2017

One way to find out if you are old is to fall down in front of a lot of people. If they laugh, you are still young. If they panic and start to run towards you, you are old.

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The main reason ghosts don’t exist is they’re depicted wearing the clothes when they died; just imagine how silly it is to be a ghost wearing a Walmart branded sweater for all eternity

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Mall Santas must have the most amazing immune systems.

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There’s a petition to have The Last Jedi stricken from the Star Wars canon. You’d think Star Wars fans would realize that if you strike something down it will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

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Rich people’s pets live better than most poor people.

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Viagra is basically caps lock your penis

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Once you code code that codes code, you don't have to code code, code codes code.

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The longest most of us will ever go without masturbating is roughly 12 years. That's from birth to 12 years old.

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We only know about serial killers that are bad at their job.

Edit: ok maybe it's not their "job", hobby is probably a better phrase

Edit: obviously there are examples of ones we know about but were never caught. A majority however we only know because of their incarceration

The gay flag is a rainbow that is straight.

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A staple of Burger King is the random onion ring in the order of fries

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Whoever decided beards are unprofessional probably couldn't grow one

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Temperature is the method in which we measure the molecular jiggliness of things.

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There are 4 stages in life. First, you believe in Santa, then you don't believe in Santa, then you act like Santa, and then you look like Santa.

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The 1 star reviews on "Home Defibrillators" are probably very sad.

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Egypt should just start building pyramids again..just for fun

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Websites should have a tool that tells you how many times someone tried to create an account with your exact username but couldn't because you have it.

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If you wear a sock inside out, the entire universe is wearing your sock except you

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The Continent with the most educated workforce is Antarctica.

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People would buy anything for $0.99, as long as it's not a mobile app.

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A gingerbread man living in a gingerbread house is like a human living in a house made of human skin.

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If you're a greedy glutton, you're a pig. If you're an asshole cop, you're a pig. If you're a pervert, you're a pig. What the hell did pigs do to deserve this?

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Doggy style for owls must be much more intimate because they can turn their heads all the way around.

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A cup holder is really just a cup, for cups

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Any computer science student who can hack into his university's systems and change his grade to an A deserves it.

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Tuesday, December 19, 2017

A strip club with no music would be really unsettling.

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The Ninja Turtles literally have no reason to wear masks.

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Nothing gets a person out of bed faster than the sound of a dog vomiting.

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If texting+driving is as dangerous as drinking+driving, the punishments and stigma should be the same.

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No matter how many times you see the the "the the" illusion, you still somehow always miss the second the.

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As a kid, getting sick relieves you of nearly all responsibility. As an adult, getting sick complicates life more than it already is.

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What if Elf on the Shelf's true purpose is just indoctrinating children to the idea of a surveillance state?

Edit: RIP Inbox

Emma Stone is what Lindsey Lohan could have been.

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Every machine can be utilised as a smoke machine if it is used wrong enough.

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It would suck if you were bisexual and the man of your dreams married the woman of your dreams.

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If people only shop online in the future, the "shopping cart" icon on websites will be the new "floppy disk" icon on text files

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A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided, if they had built their towns big enough for another person

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didn’t see anyone important yesterday, so can wear these same clothes today.

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Stoners should adopt retired police dogs so they can always find their stash.

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The phrase "well done" for steaks was probably invented by a guy who didn't want to admit that he burned his steaks.

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The difference between being sad and depression is sort of like the difference between the weather and climate

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Monday, December 18, 2017

Reading is just staring at a dead piece of wood and hallucinating

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Saying "good luck" to someone buying a pregnancy test is appropriate regardless of their desired outcome.

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You are a three pound flesh ball sitting inside a skull controlling a body.

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Working is just exchanging life for money.

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Do receptionists at sperm banks say "Thanks for coming"?

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If Obi-Wan Kenobi was trying to hide the fact that he was a Jedi, why was he still wearing his Jedi robes on a daily basis?

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If the court system worked where someone said they were victimized, presented no evidence, and we locked the offender away and told them not to defend themselves because we believe the thing we heard first without question, we would consider that an unfair system. That’s social media justice.

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One of the worst parts about these Hollywood sex scandals is all the great actresses that we will never see because they weren't willing to "do what it takes".

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We need to stop asking people why they don’t drink if they pass up on alcohol

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We’ve probably seen a person who we have no clue exists but we’ve seen at least three times.

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Instead of looking up into the sky you’re actually gazing down into the infinite cosmic abyss with only gravity keeping you from falling.

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If you choose not to have children, you are the first person in your direct ancestry all the way back to the first organisms to not reproduce.

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The people at the gym who look like they shouldn't be there are exactly where they need to be.

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If you die by hanging, the suspense is literally killing you.

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We are less than a month away until all of the 90’s kids are officially adults

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Children become capable of really helping their parents out with household chores at about the same age as they lose all motivation to help their parents out with household chores.

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Horses were an eco-friendly method of travel that had automatic anti-collision safety features, and could safely take you home drunk, and we got rid of them as mainstream transport.

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In the distant future some kid will disappoint their parents because they want to get an art history degree and concentrate on memes of the 2010s.

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"Faded af" backwards is "faded af"

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The police should actually wear red and blue light up shoes every time they perform a foot chase

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Luke Skywalker joined the Rebellion because he saw a 10 second video and thought his sister was hot.

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Honestly, a hero like Captain Obvious would probably save more lives than Superman in today's society

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Sunday, December 17, 2017

The odd thing about being a spy is you only know you're doing a good job if nobody knows you're doing a good job

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A "selfie-stick" could easily be a euphemism for a dildo

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"Only a sith deals in absolutes," is an absolute statement.

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"faded af" backwards is "faded af"

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The best liar you know is not the best liar you know

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History classes are going to get longer and harder as time goes on

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Google should make it so that looking up “Is Santa real?” With safe search on only gives yes answers.

You know, for the kiddos.

Maybe the reason there are no genies is because some asshole wished for there to be no more genies.

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You may have already taken the picture that they will show at your funeral.

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If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of the chickens, you are a chicken tender

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Who's responsible for telling the highways that they are adopted

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People are embarrassed by farts which are stinky but harmless; No one is embarrassed to sneeze or cough which is contagious and pretty gross

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When you introduce two different groups of friends to each other, it's like your own life's crossover episode.

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have you ever wondered what your dog named you?

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2007 -2017 will probably be known as the golden age of streaming in the future.

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Because the Earth is the 3rd planet in our solar system, isn't every problem a third world problem?

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Horses sleep in hay, and also eat hay? Imagine if you woke up and started eating your bed.

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At some point in your childhood, you and your friends went outside to play together for the last time and nobody knew it.

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The first eighteen years of your life are like a free trial. After that, it’s pay to play.

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Food you buy for home labels itself as "restaurant style" to sound more appealing, while restaraunts label their food as "homestyle" to sound more appealing

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Toilet paper rolls should have the brand and type printed on the cardboard tube so that when you run out, you know what stuff you like so you can buy it again.

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Mercedes has 3 E’s and they are all pronounced differently.

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Saturday, December 16, 2017

At some point in your childhood, you and your friends went outside to play together for the last time and nobody knew it.

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Boobs are the best stress balls

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Cats have a natural instinct to always go sit on the thing you need the most at the time. If you're looking for something and can't find it, it's perfectly logical to first check under the cat.

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Shouldn't a woman who purposely answers the door naked for a "Pizza Dare" and films the delivery guy be considered a creep? Just like the clothed men who film women in a public setting?

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It would suck to be a struggling actor and getting into a Chevy commercial only to be introduced as "Not actor"

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If you drew a dick on a vampire's face while they were sleeping they'd never find out about it.

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Naming your child Manny is the human equivalent of naming a stuffed horse Horsey or a stuffed duck Ducky

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"Organised Crime" is a more accurate term for multi-billionaire companies that avoid taxes and utilise slave labour, rather than stereotypical mobsters

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Steam should include a tool to test wether you can run a game or not, and recommend games according to your specs.

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If penis size was as obvious as breast size the world would be a very different place.

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When a sheep deems its environment non-viable, it won't reproduce. Humans can't seem to grasp this basic concept.

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Wouldn't a "flat-earth" really be a cylindrical earth, due to the fact that you can dig down with a shovel?

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Why is there a "D" in fridge, but not in refrigerator?

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As soon as 4K security cameras become the norm there will be significantly less "Ghost sightings"

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In today's world of voice activated virtual assistants, AskJeeves would be a great brand to resurrect.

"Hey Jeeves, remind me to pick up my dry cleaning?"

"Hey Jeeves, what's in the news this morning?"

"Hey Jeeves, how do I tie a tie?"

Calling a microwave a microwave is like calling a hose a water

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Every corpse on Everest was once an extremely motivated person

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Starting to realize how the trope of the difficult to work with diva actress was probably falsely created by disgusting producers as revenge for not getting laid.

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The song “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” assumes we know about the other reindeer and assumes we don’t know Rudolph, but the opposite is often true.

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"No Shave November" should be replaced with "Very Hairy January."

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Having an extra roll of toilet paper in the bathroom is a quintessential act of hospitality.

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Asking a random person “What year is it?” will make you seem super mysterious

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When an animal is in mortal pain we put it down to be merciful. When a human is in mortal pain, we let them suffer to drain their health insurance.

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A job interview is a formal way for people to judge you and talk about you behind your back.

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How many cars does the average person go past in their lifetime with a dead or kidnapped person in their trunk?

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Sitting in a bathtub is the inverse of being in a canoe

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Friday, December 15, 2017

Sometimes the idea of a single evil corporation ruling everything just feels easier than dealing with the hundreds evil medium-sized corporations ruling over us today.

Let's consolidate the evil

Sweaty palms and feet are terrible evolutionary responses to extreme heights

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The invention of the portal would revolutionise the glory hole

Like a portable ring

Tornados are probably full of spiders.

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All that money Comcast spent on repealing NN, and they could have used it to have better customer service and better networks.

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Maybe aliens haven't invaded us because they can see our transmissions yet have no concept of entertainment. They see The Avengers and say, "Whew! Dodged a bullet there!"

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A bowling alley is a pretty bad place to serve finger foods.

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Other people in your dreams are limited to your vocabulary.

They could use words you don’t know, but they couldn’t use a word you’ve never heard before.

How long can a knife get before it is considered a sword?

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If your alarm clock had a random noise each morning, you would never start to hate the sound.

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Only in movies is the head of the IT department an IT genius.

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All dogs can smell marijuana, but only a few of them are snitches.

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We put clocks in our mobile phones, so we didn't need to look at watches. Now we put mobile phones in our watches so we don't need to look at our mobile phones.

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Now that Disney is buying 20th Century Fox, Hank Hill can be an avenger.

Also, we can have a whole three-episode arc where Peggy pretends to be a witch so she can substitute teach at Hogwarts.

In a few years, Amazon will probably be able to deliver presents to the entire world in just one night...just like Santa always dreamed of

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Now that Disney brought Fox, 'Aliens' born to the Xenomorph Queen should be considered Disney Princesses

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An all-you-can-eat buffet is just a restaurant without microtransactions.

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First Disney picked up Marvel, then they picked up Star Wars, now they picked up Fox. Disney is Thanos.

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Maybe the sock wants to be single you don't know

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The titanic movie is like someone making a romance movie about 9/11 in a hundred years

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Radiation can give you cancer, which can be identified by radiation, and that can be treated with radiation.

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Thursday, December 14, 2017

The highest honor a spy can receive is an award from the enemy

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Trick shot videos should always begin by the performer drinking an entire beer to prove it isn’t their 468th attempt and chancing a win

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One day you and your friends went out to play as kids, but none of you realized it was the last time that would ever happen again.

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Technically, the only things we truly enjoy are the chemicals created in our brain.

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Movie theaters should offer the option of bluetooth audio so customers could bring in their own headphones to enjoy the movie and not have to listen to idiots around them talking through the movie

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Alexa/Siri/Bixby etc should have a 'polite' setting where you always have to say Please and Thankyou to help teach kids and even some adults manners.

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Maybe the reason that The Simpsons predict a lot is because nobody in power knows what they're doing and just copies what they see on the show

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Mr. Bean is quite funny until you realise you’re basically just laughing at an autistic guy

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What if scenarios we make up in our heads about ourselves are actually things happening to alternate versions of ourselves in different universes?

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Anyone else ever wonder if Scar wasn't really that bad of a guy but just couldn't resist a cat's natural desire to push things off the edge?

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Why isn’t there an option to tell advertisers that you already own their product?

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Most people dislike being thought of as "average" yet half of them are worse.

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If Xenomorphs are born from an Alien Queen, and Alien was produced by 20th Century Fox, and now Fox is owned by Disney, does that make Xenomophs Disney Princesses?

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Being born is a death sentence

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The fact that we assume that aliens and uncontrolled AI would immediately try to kill us off because of the way we act/our past; says a lot about how we perceive ourselves. As if we are picking the punishment we feel we deserve

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Pee Wee Herman is apparently the only celebrity in Hollywood able to keep his hands to himself.

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In the Star Wars universe, are there just random lasers zooming around the galaxy (from all of the missed shots from battles in space)?

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Patting down your pockets to make sure you have your wallet, phone and keys is like doing a Quick Save.

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Wednesday, December 13, 2017

It’s 2017 and we still have games for your phone that stop your music when you open them

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Anything is a UFO if you're stupid enough.

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Ant-man could have been in every marvel movie without us knowing it

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If aliens are monitoring our media and 98% of the internet is porn...They're not giving us anal probes; they're just trying to speak the language.

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Kim Jong Un may be the only overweight person in whole north korea

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The battery of a smoke detector ALWAYS seems to die on a week night between the hours of midnight and 4am.

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Anyone who says animals don't have a sixth sense has never had a pet predict and block their every step through a room or down a hallway

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Soon we'll have pornstars born in 2000 popping up

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If a cop wanted to murder you, you have no virtually no way of survival. If you tried to defend yourself, you'd be shot. If you didn't try to defend yourself, you would still be shot.

In a situation like this, you have pretty much no means of survival no matter what you do. If you do succeed, there's still a big chance of life in prison or a death sentence. You're pretty much fucked in every way possible.

If someone asks you something that is easily google-able, they probably just want to start a conversation with you.

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Swans are loud, territorial, violent, aggressive, terrifying, and an emblem of romantic love.

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People are so quick to give money to a GoFundMe after doing little research on it, but won’t give a $3 donation to Wikipedia.

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Japan will likely be the first country to perfect sex robots, but they're probably the last country that should.

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The world is constantly trying to produce the hottest pepper, but never the coolest mint.

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Without the laugh track, The Big Bang Theory is a depressing TV show about mentally disabled people unable to perform normal social actions

EDIT: I actually like the show guys stop insulting me :(

If the KKK really wanted to see results, they'd distribute free contraceptives in low income neighborhoods.

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There might be a conjoined twin out there that has no idea because they are joined perfectly down the middle.

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Shirts are crazy, your body goes in 1 hole and out 3

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In three years it will be the 20s again.

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Tuesday, December 12, 2017

In movies, aliens seem so unified as a species. Humans can't even agree on how to write the date.

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Gray t-shirts are always more comfortable than any other color t-shirts.

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If money doesn't bring you happiness that's because you're not spending it right...

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Spongebob worked at the Krusty Krab for 6 years between episodes 1-12 of season 1

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Telling someone they can't be sad because othera have it worse is like telling someone they can't be happy because others have it better.

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The less pixelized something is, the more pixels there are

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Hollywood has become better at making trailers than they are at making movies.

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The same Ocean that constantly put Moana and her chicken back on the boat is the same Ocean that let her father’s best friend drown when they were kids.

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It would be smart for companies to release risky business ideas on April 1st. If people hate the idea they can just play it off as an April fools joke.

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Teachers/educators who refuse to give 100% for an assignment because "No one is perfect" should never get their full annual salary.

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Deciding to have a kid is basically deciding to have a really expensive, exhausting, full-time hobby for 18 years.

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The worst part of getting older is the slow loss of respect for certain family members you once admired.

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“There is no bad publicity” seems to have been proven very false in 2017.

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Maybe birds are secretly little robots that recharge by sitting on power lines

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Now that phones with decent cameras are more commonplace, where have all the UFOs gone?

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Life would be a lot more fun without fall damage.

Tired? Just go up to your roof and jump off it for adrenaline.

We should apply traffic laws in high school hallways so students can learn the rules of the road and get to class faster

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You could be allergic to sea lions and never in your life find out.

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True friendship is when silence is not awkward but enjoyable.

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"Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" is what happens after "It's Raining Men"

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Since smartwatches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature where it deletes your browser history when your heart beat stops.

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If a vampire put a mirror in one side of a pair of glasses, they could see 360 degrees at one time.

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Santa Is a conspiracy that runs so deep that almost everyone is complacent with it. We even go as far as hiring old men to pretend to be Santa just to keep up the facade.

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Monday, December 11, 2017

Sleep paralysis is such bollocks. First you can't move and your breathing is cramped and then your brain is like "here, have a demon."

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Waze should have a "never suggest this route again" option

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Swipping on tinder while horny is like grocery shopping while hungry.

Yea I get it, i accidently put an extra p.

People who say "ignore bullies and they'll stop" were never long-term targets for bullies.

Bullies usually have certain targets that they bully regularly. If you ignore a bully and he stops, that means that you are not one of these targets. If you are, then ignoring the bullying causes it to escalate.

I spent a week with a small group of kids going to various events and places for a week on field trips. Most of them didn't normally bully me because we didn't share classes. I was the obvious target as the rest of them knew each other and I was well-known as the kid that gets bullied and picked last in gym and that you don't sit with at lunch unless you want to be bullied too.

I did a very good job ignoring the bullying. It started with throwing food in my hair, taking my things when I left them unattended, and making out with each other on top of me. It progressed to physical assault that ripped my clothes and caused me to bleed. It would have continued to escalate if adults didn't notice it at that point. A number of people were expelled and suspended, which caused my bullying in-school to get much much worse and people who would hang out with me in private became too afraid of retribution to do so.

Also in a single instance, ignoring causes escalation. Once I had a ball I was playing with. Bigger kids wanted the ball. I ignored them and ran away playing with it by myself. The more I ignored them and tried to not be involved with them, the more they pursued me. I refused to let go of the ball because I was playing with it and there were plenty more where it came from. The ended up dragging and spinning and throwing me around by the ball. Shortly thereafter they repeatedly pelted me in the balls with the kickball until I agreed to stop playing. They would have all been expelled but it was a few days before the end of the semester and they were well-liked by everybody so they just graduated to high school instead.

In high school the bullying died down after my freshman year and I began to learn how to be a person.