Sunday, January 14, 2018
Whoever put the b in subtle was a genius
Saturday, January 13, 2018
A 'hedge maze' made from sheets of falling water would be awesome at a water park.
If you got lost or wanted to exit you could just walk out of it. On top would be a grid of water spouts that cast sheets of water down, and the maze layout could change daily, or hourly.
"Never odd or even" backwards is still "Never odd or even"
Friday, January 12, 2018
Anyone else just meow back at their cat?
Just ends up with us meowing loudly at eachother because I can't be bothered to get up
If obese people have lots of skin, aren’t they the skinny ones?
Some of us are still “it” from playing tag as kids.
Thursday, January 11, 2018
A 'slim chance' and a 'fat chance' are the same thing
If a man is named Richard, all of his selfies are Dick pics.
Google should have named their GPS voice "Miss Direction"
"Pregnant woman glow" is just how your body looks when you haven't drunk alcohol in almost nine months
I am doing dry January and I am getting compliments on my skin and complexion. This thought popped into my head last night.
Gambling addiction hotlines would be so much more effective if every 10th caller was a winner.
What are the odds that would work though?
Wednesday, January 10, 2018
The more pixels something has, the less pixelated it is.
The opposite of ladyfingers are mentos
Language is just agreed upon gibberish
Every pillow that Whoopi Golberg sleeps on is a whoopi cushion.
You know you've listened to an album too much when your brain plays the intro to the next song before it actually starts playing.
Maybe too much is dependent on how much you like the album ;)
Introverts don’t make friends, they get adopted by an extrovert.
Tuesday, January 9, 2018
To our pets, we are each the most famous person in the world.
They still make microphones that are larger than regular phones.
The two worst prison sentences you can get are life and death
Are the lightning ports on iPhones technically apple jacks?
Introverts don't make friends, they get adopted by an extrovert
No one actually eats the ribs when eating ribs.
Monday, January 8, 2018
Home is where the ice doesn't taste weird
Being naked doesn’t feel as naked as being naked with socks on.
Amazon.com should include the ebook for free with the purchase of the physical book.
If DVD purchases usually include the digital version, why not books.
It's silly for them not to.
When people are bored in 'The Sims' they start to burn everyone and everything to the ground. When people are bored in 'Grand Theft Auto' they drive slowly and carefully, sticking to the correct side of the road and obeying traffic lights.
Iceland is one sea away from Ireland.
Corn on the cob is just ribs for vegetarians.
Being 35 and not wanting to work in the field for which you've prepared is like being half way through an RPG and realizing you've built out your skill tree all wrong and you can't respec and you can't make a new character and there will never be another video game again
It's going to be really awkward in the future when robots take most jobs from poor unskilled workers, and then companies will complain that the same demographic isn't buying their products anymore because they don't have enough money to
Sunday, January 7, 2018
If a cat could text you back, they wouldn't.
The first woman to have twins must've been really confused
Every day is a productive day if you set the bar low enough
getting out of bed is an achievement
The Star Wars opening crawl is still floating through space
Music is decorating time with sound.
A sore throat must feel horrible to a giraffe
Snipers and surgeons need steady hands for the opposite reasons
Mirrors are always bought used
It is not "talking to yourself" if there is a dog present.
No one ever says "Hey Stranger" to actual strangers
There needs to be a dedicated font for sarcasm.
Love "triangles" are rarely triangles. They're more like Vs.
Unless all three people are romantically involved with each other, I suppose.
Saturday, January 6, 2018
To “lose your temper” is in reference to blacksmithing, where you get so heated that you stop being useful and break down
In metalworking, each piece has to be heat treated to achieve properties necessary for its use (one of these procedures is called tempering). A knife (hardened metal) and a spring (toughened metal) are made of steel, but with generally opposite characteristics.
If you heat either of these metals to be red-hot, you change the temper (or cause them to “lose their temper”). A spring could shatter catastrophically or a knife could bend and fail of it loses its temper, not unlike how excessive anger can cause people people to do the same.
Reading is basically staring at dead trees and hallucinating
What if Plankton sent people to the Krusty Krab to order a Krabby Patty but each time they ordered they would ask if the Krabby Patty had a specific ingredient in it because of “allergies” Plankton could then gather his findings and have his own Krabby Patty Secret Formula.
Don’t forget your 7 day trial of the new year is up this Sunday.
Wall-E was a great episode of Black Mirror
Kids these days will never know the pure, bone-chilling fear of calling a girl you like at home only to have her dad pick up.
silence
heart palpitations
hang up
move schools
Friday, January 5, 2018
If our moon wasn't tidally locked to Earth humans would've seen it rotate throughout history and probably would've figured out that the Earth was spherical much sooner - changing our mythology and speeding up astronomical science from the earliest of ages.
I wonder how much further along science would be or where it would've ended up if there weren't centuries of debate on the "flatness" of the Earth.
Zombies are the only ones who genuinely prefer brains over looks
Your bed feels the best when you know you have to get out of it
The Oscars should be hosted not by a comedian, but by a movie character from that year.
Like if last year's Oscars were hosted by Deadpool, and this year's Oscars were hosted by Wonder Woman, or James Franco as Tommy Wiseau? Past Oscars could have been hosted by Maximus from Gladiator, Roxie Hart from Chicago, Gandalf from LOTR (or, heck, the entire fellowship), Daniel Craig's James Bond, and so forth.
Of course, there are some details to iron out. The actors would have to be willing to host, and the studios would have to be willing to allow a character that they own to be used (given that the Oscars would be a 3-4 hour commercial for their character and product, I'm sure they would be fine with that). Ideally, the host's script would be written with the aid of at least one screenwriter for the film that character was from.
Nonetheless, such an approach might capture the attention of audiences better than the current approach (since there is a prominent connection with a popular film), while nonetheless strengthening the mission of the Oscars in celebrating films.
Everyone swears; Adults swear when kids aren't around. Kids swear when adults aren't around.
Everyone swears, but it's segregated swearing.
Why are single person bathrooms gender labeled? Only one person is allowed, who cares what their gender is.
I'm talking about bathrooms with one toilet and a door that locks from the inside.
Google is basically just 'Ctrl+F' for the whole internet
Thursday, January 4, 2018
College students don't want to go to graduation ceremonies, but they go to please their relatives, while relatives don't want to go but go to support the students; we should all just be honest and skip that ceremony and go out for pizza.
If you're over 30 you were alive before every dog in the world
Amazon should open a cardboard recycling program.
Wednesday, January 3, 2018
An underrated perk of being an adult is you no longer outgrow your clothes.
Well... Unless you get fat.
Children must be taught how to think, not what to think.
Why aren’t double sided toothbrushes a thing?
It wouldn't be possible for Star Wars movies to have product placement, so instead they place Star Wars into products
I'm looking at you, BB-8 Tangerines
Being a fish must suck. Every single animal (air, land, or water) wants to eat you. Even fish that are bigger than you eat you. Literally your only purpose in existing is being food for everyone else.
Air - birds that dive down and eat fish
land- humans, bears, etc.
water- bigger fish.
Every taco is only one good punch away from being nachos.
Want to feel old? Wall-E came out 10 years ago. A bugs life came out 20 years ago.
I feel old. Where does the time go?
Star Wars will soon be a trilogy of trilogies
Telling someone "You do you" is basically the same as telling them to go fuck themselves.
"You do you, man"
Well I have been needing a number 3...
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
The world will never know what the most successful cover up was
Smelling is just breathing normally and thinking about it more
2017 was a prime example of an odd year
It's quite ironic that EA's slogan is "It's in the game"
Anyone in charge of product placement who puts back pain relief products on the bottom shelf should be fired.
Went to the grocery store this morning for pain relief after pulling a muscle in my lower back and all of the creams & pills for back pain were on the very bottom shelf. Brilliant layout.
The first gym to open on Mars should be a Planet Fitness
This year has just been one long Monday so far.
If you spend Monday, January 1st being miserable then so far, it literally hasn't been your day, week, month or even year.
I'll be there for you, though.
If you work at a sex shop is porn still NSFW?
We eat pizza from the inside out
Betty White made it through 2017 unscathed.
She's gonna out live us all.
Monday, January 1, 2018
Warm soda and cold coffee are the same temperature
Blankets are only warm because we are warm
If you take a shit on January 1st 2018, you're literally shitting away something from 2017.
Also applies to January 2nd.
You know you've grown older when you don't give a fuck about new year anymore.
I wish everyone would be quiet, I need to sleep.
Flat earthers shouldn't be allowed to celebrate New Years
Since it recognizes another year of the earth circling the sun