Entering "99" on my microwave cooks my food for 39 seconds longer than when I enter "100"

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Making fun of overweight people at the gym is like making fun of an alcoholic trying to go to rehab

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I wonder if future historians will think of civilization as Before Internet and After Internet.

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There should be a show where famous chefs like Gordon Ramsay and Bobby Flay compete against each other to impress Italian Grandma judges

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Never is a shortened version of "not ever"... i feel like I am supposed to have known this...

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Hackers have broken this year's biggest stories, while journalists have tried to cover them up.

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If you're a generous person that expects nothing in return for your deeds, you are literally good for nothing.

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