In 20 years women won't be cringing at pics of their dated hairdos, but at their ridiculous eyebrows

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Sometimes I treat my phone like a fridge. I close the apps and reopen them 5 minutes later hoping there's something new inside.

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I am not a vegetarian, but every now and then I order a veggie burger or a veggie burrito, because I like vegetables. I feel like I am the only person on Earth who does this, because people make me feel weird every time.

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A plastic bag drifting through the wind is the modern day tumbleweed

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When you smell a flower, you're smelling its genitals.

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The Magic School Bus was about explaining science to kids, yet the only explanation as to how the school bus operates is "magic."

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My facial hair is determined only by my laziness. I grow it because I'm too lazy to shave it, and I shave it because I'm too lazy to maintain it.

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