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Saturday, February 28, 2015
When stores hand you a 'money off your next purchase' voucher once you've paid, we should all start passing them on to the people waiting in line behind us.
That way everyone gets a discount during busier periods.
Friday, February 27, 2015
Believing that "porn sex" represents real life is like trying to drive a car like they do on TV.
Steering back and forth a quarter of a turn constantly while continuingly looking at whoever else is in the car leads to a wreck. In the same way that delivering a pizza and expecting to get laid, or expecting your SO to give it up at all hours of the day will also lead to a wreck.
Babies are both natural and man-made.
(Made or caused by human beings (as opposed to occurring or being made naturally): a man-made lake](http://ift.tt/1ANEvVl)
Thursday, February 26, 2015
If you told me in 2005 that in ten years, the NSA would monitoring all electronic communications, the police would be militarized and have "black sites," and companies would be spying on you in your own home, I'd have made you a tin foil hat.
I guess the lesson is that bad things happen in baby steps, and if you don't take action on the little things, you can't imagine what horror the future holds.
EDIT: If your response is "Oh this shit has been going on forever," you've missed my point. It's about people putting their heads in the sand and not doing anything about it. We all know this has been going on forever. We've responded with cynicism. Apathy. Willful ignorance. The point I'm trying to make is- stop waiting for "the big outrageous event" before you help take aggressive corrective action. That event will never happen, by design. We have to draw a line in the sand.
as soon as stem cell research discovers a way to safely increase penis length, that field will have all the funding it will ever need.
not that i care really. i wouldnt partake. just saying.
Ariana Grande sounds like a Taco Bell combo meal.
Probably 2 gorditas, a small nacho, and a burrito.
If Stephan Hawking gets Dementia how many crazy predictions could he make before someone calls him on it?
He already makes some bold predictions as it is.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
What if I'm already dead and heaven exists but my idea of paradise is to remain in the real world so I never even knew I had died?
Heaven supposedly is meant to be your version of paradise (ish, I have not researched this) and I rather enjoy being a breather. So, what if when I died (if I did) I never realised and ended up in a real world like state heaven. Obviously still with shitty things happening to me otherwise I would catch on... right?
Netflix streams over wi-fi, which is a form of radio. The Buggles should therefore get back together and record a song called, "Radio Killed the Video Store."
Radio killed the video store, Radio killed the video store, Streaming came and broke your cart.
If aliens are smart enough to come up with interstellar travel, they should be smart enough to mimic airline lights when moving over populated areas at night.
You don't see anyone looking up at an airplane at night and saying, 'UFO'! All an alien ship would have to do would be to mimic the flashing lights on the sides.
If Netflix had a "I don't want to watch this movie. Ever" option, its recommendations would be much better
I'm tired of being told I might like the fucking Hobbit. I'd be better off reading the book.
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Someone was having an orgasm during every sad moment of your life.
During every sad moment in your life, someone, somewhere was having a mind-blowing orgasm
It’s ironic that the new World Trade Centre One is also called the Freedom Tower, considering that America lost a lot of her freedom from 9/11.
Edit: This is to address the main negative topics of this post:
- This is not a conspiracy thread.
- Also, I am not insulting America, I am simply stating an ironic fact.
- To the people who are wondering what freedoms you’ve lost: Patriot Act, privacy(nonexistent), global press freedom(now ranked 49th), and many more. Please don’t take insult to this. If anything it’s an insult to your god-awful government.
Relevant thought: The first step to fixing any problem is to accept that there is a problem.
Monday, February 23, 2015
Every person alive today has an ancestor that lived through every moment of human existence.
European? You've probably got an ancestor that lived through the black plague.
Asian? You've probably got an ancestor that lived through Genghis Khan's rule.
Everywhere on earth has had their fair share of troubled times, and everyone alive today has an ancestor that survived it.
Jesus' first miracle was bringing alcohol to a party.
In the Wedding at Cana, Jesus turns water into wine for a wedding reception. This is the first of his miracles in the Bible.
EDIT: thanks /u/CouldBeKanyeWest for taking my gold virginity!
The early 90's version of Snapchat would be a fax machine attached to a paper shredder
Someone could send you a fax but you would have to read it before it fell into the shredder...
Whoever named snowmobiles missed a great opportunity to call them snowtorcycles.
Pronounced as motorcycle, but with sn- instead of m.
Sunday, February 22, 2015
In order for two things to be truly opposite, they must have at least one thing in common.
Black and white are both colors, death and birth are both life events, an island and a lake are both geographical designations. Just thought it was interesting that for things to actually be opposite, they require something in common.
They should figure out what brain chemical makes women 'forget' the trauma of childbirth and give that to people returning from war.
I realize we never really forget the trauma, but clearly it diminishes over time or else families would never have a second child.
If the 1970 Bills had scored a touchdown, Kim Kardashian wouldn't be famous
The Buffalo Bills barely lost a game in 1970 by missing on a bad pass for a touchdown. That loss allowed them to get the first pick in the draft, O.J. Simpson. OJ stays in Buffalo for awhile, meets his wife, then allegedly kills her. Then hiring Kardashians father to be his lawyer. They win the case, making the Kardashians somewhat famous. Then Kim drops the sex tape, becomes famous.
Edit: allegedly
Aren't spoons just smaller bowls with the added convenience of a handle, so when we drink soup we're just putting soup into a smaller bowl?
An when we use a ladle to get our soup, would that mean we use a medium-small bowl to get soup out a big bowl, and into a medium bowl so we can eat it with a smaller bowl?
We've passed the turning point where numbers are now more difficult to type on phones than letters.
Obviously phones always had number pads, and texting long messages were a pain in the ass. Now when you want to type long numbers you have to long hold keys, or switch to the symbol page.
Saying "thanks guys" is a third person narration of what you just did.
Since you'd be thanking people but also narrating that you (as a character) are giving thanks to people eg; "John walks by, thanks guys, and then goes home"
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Thanks to the word "indescribable", there's nothing that cannot be described
Since you can describe those things as "indescribable"
You should have an opportunity to donate blood while waiting for someone else to be treated in the ER.
At the very least there should be a poster with the date of the next blood drive.
It's an upsetting and frustrating time. No one would ever be more willing to donate than they are when forced to sit still for hours anyway.
Friday, February 20, 2015
Americans should refer to Canadians as "North of the Wall"
Insert Game of Thrones wall references here
I wonder if Pinocchio's nose could tell the future. For example he could say, "you're going to get that job" and if his nose grew, then you wouldn't get the job.
Guys I should point out that I was basing this off the Geico commercial
Thursday, February 19, 2015
You know how there are double stuffed oreos? There should be double stuffed pop tarts.
I'd buy at least 4 boxes at a time.
Being in college at 28 is like going to Chuck E. Cheese. I'm the oldest person here by far, there's a bunch of little kids running around crying and playing stupid games with each other, and after spending a ridiculous amount of money and earning enough points then maybe I can get a shitty prize.
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Reddit's slogan should be: "Come here for the articles, stay here for the comments"
Am I right or am I right?
Cookie Monster pondering your Shower Thoughts!
Video: http://ift.tt/1zor1MP
Here are all of the posts used in this video (thanks /u/WalterBrickyard for putting this together):
Onion rings are vegetable donuts - Submitted 14 Oct 2014 by /u/PolarX
Your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed - Submitted 10 Apr 2014 by /u/Derklan
It's weird that we cook bacon, but we bake cookies. - Submitted 26 Dec 2013 by /u/ImmigrantFinch
Lobsters are mermaids to scorpions. - Submitted 08 May 2014 by /u/rrtaylor (and reposted like 5 other times since)
Cookie dough is the sushi of desserts. - Submitted 01 Aug 2014 by /u/is_annoying
Lasagna is just spaghetti flavored cake - Submitted 15 Aug 2013 by [deleted] (and reposted a bunch of times since)
If tomato is a fruit, then ketchup is a jam - Submitted 24 Apr 2014 by /u/ntrent
What was the best thing ever, before the invention of sliced bread? - Submitted 10 Jan 2014 by /u/Infinite_Monkey_bot (and reposted a bunch of times since)
Dos Equis literally means "two X's," shouldn't they be represented by the most interested WOMAN in the world?
morning edit
Auto-correct + beers.
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
I wish I could be congratulated for not ever falling into drugs or alcoholism the same way people who recovered from it are.
You never get credit for making the right choices the first time. Only from recovering from your bad ones.
If you're being robbed at an ATM you should be able to punch in a 'panic' PIN number that lets you in to your account but also alerts the bank/police
It wouldn't be foolproof but would help some people.
Also, the system could then go slower from screen to screen, giving the police more time to get to you.
My ass can expel three different states of matter at the same time.
Still haven't found out how to emit plasma from my b ole
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
When all the snow melts in NYC, they're gonna find all the bodies of the people they thought weren't getting murdered.
Unrelated: Does snow preserve fingerprints?
Most people drive to work every week with the exact same group of drivers, and they don't even know who those people are.
If they live in the city, they likely walk with the same pedestrians every week, too.
If professor X can move objects with his mind. How come he doesn't move his legs?
EDIT: TIL Professor X was only Telepathic and not Telekinetic as well. For some reason I always thought his futuristic hover wheelchair thingy was controlled by his mind.. I didn't grow up reading x-men.. sue me
EDIT EDIT: Apparently in the 90s he DID have a hover wheelchair.. how confusing.. lol
People used to think Earth was the only planet. Then they thought the Sun was the only star. Then they thought the Milky Way was the only galaxy. Do you still believe there is only one universe?
It dawned on me that there must be multiple universes.
Edit: Cool quote from Neil Degrasse Tyson on the subject:
"Philosophically, the universe has really never made things in ones. The Earth is special and everything else is different? No, we’ve got seven other planets. The sun? No, the sun is one of those dots in the night sky. The Milky Way? No, it’s one of a hundred billion galaxies. And the universe–maybe it’s countless other universes."
And guys and girls, I'm not implying that this proves the multi-verse theory. Its just something that crossed my mind that I felt was worth mentioning. This is not evidence or an argument, it is simply a thought - hence the posting in Showerthoughts.
Edit 2: A lot of people seem to be up in arms about my "Sun only star" comment. I guess I phrased this incorrectly. Again, not a Science thread, so relax.
I wish I could unlearn English for one day so I could hear how it sounds without meaning
I don't know if I'd find it soft, beautiful, grating, if one vowel/consonant sound dominates, etc. It'd be interesting to find out.
Monday, February 16, 2015
The names "Chad" and "Molly" are super white, but the countries Chad and Mali are super black.
Just thought this up in my current state.
There should be a sub for tech related questions called ELI50.
The answer is always "delete system32"
Sunday, February 15, 2015
Where I live it's warmer in my freezer right now than it is outside.
Coming at you from the Northeast in the US.
Netflix should produce a series of workout videos for people to stream at home for free if they're subscribed to Netflix
Think about it. It would be so convenient for people and they couldn't make excuses about expensive workout dvd's anymore. This one's for you, America.
The word "illuminated" means the same thing even if you only use every third letter.
Edit: Starting from the third letter!
I L L U M I N A T E D
I wonder how many women lining up to see 50 Shades of Grey are the same women who get pissed if their husbands watch porn?
Not saying there aren't legitimate reasons for not wanting your partner to watch porn, but still...
Saturday, February 14, 2015
When you purchase a new physical book, your receipt should have a download code so you can read it on your Kindle or phone as well.
I love owning my books, and I read them at home, but if I'm going on a trip or it's a particularly big (heavy) volume I'll read it on my Kindle. I don't see why I should have to buy it twice just because I like both collecting and convenience. eBooks can still be offered as the cheaper option, and you could maybe limit free eBooks to people who get it in hardcover or something, if they're worried about profit.
Edit: Yes of course this means you can just sell the book later on and keep the digital version or vice versa but the used book market already exists anyway, and nobody will ever be able to 'scalp' a book.
Also, If this idea would ever really become a thing, I imagine you'd either have to pay extra (2-5 dollars) to get the download code or the book would simply cost more up front. I didn't think that publishers would give me a second 'copy' for free, just less than what it costs to do now.
Two decades ago, our internet couldn't work without our phones. Today our phones can't work without the internet.
Thinking about slow things, viz. love and dial-up internet connections.
The missions to the moon should've been named the Artemis missions instead of the Apollo missions since we were traveling to the moon and not the sun.
Artemis was the goddess of the moon. Her twin Apollo was the God of the sun. In case anyone didn't know.
Maybe celebrities don't really give their kids those crazy unusual names. They give them normal names, then release the weird one as a way to protect the child's privacy.
Celebrity gives birth, announces to the world that the child is named Pomegranate Moonblossom then when Mary Elizabeth grows up, no one realizes she is Celebrity's child.
Friday, February 13, 2015
Shouldn't ghosts appear to us naked? Their clothes didn't die and stay behind as a spirit.
Obviously this thought assumes ghosts are a real phenomenon.
Django the bounty hunter killed Samuel L Jackson, but in an alternate universe Samuel L Jackson killed Jango the bounty hunter.
Django: Unchained and Star Wars Clone Wars
What if all of Drake's album titles put together make a suicide note?
So far gone, take care, nothing was the same, if you're reading this it's too late.....
If you cut corners, you just end up with double the amount of corners you had to begin with.
Square, octagon, 16-gon...fuck
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Religious conflicts are essentially a giant war between the most popular book fan clubs in the world.
They get together once a week to discuss readings, or more frequently. There are a diverse selection of fan clubs to choose from. So I say to thee, what would team Jacob do?
I would be so much more motivated to improve myself if after training/activities a HUD showed a +1 to a skill bar and I could track my stats.
i.e. Go to gym, +3 to leg strength, 27 exp until next level. i.e. Study neuroscience, +2 in that field. 798 points until Role unlock.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
When you make minimum wage you get yelled at for taking a shit for too long. When you make 50k a year, you're sent to day long conferences that have no relevance to you
At the same company
(Corporate fast food)
Also one time we literally just took the corporate jet 3 states away just to look at a competitors restaurant. We basically just walked through restaurants and bullshitted a day.
There's another guy whose outlook calendar I was creeping on who literally all week is doing market research playing golf in Florida. His pleb ass flew commercial though. But I'm pretty sure he's making 6 figures as he has two homes.
Im not sure who would be more outraged, the shareholders or the minimum wage workers.
Saying "Amen" is like the holy way of saying "true that"
Fun fact: I was actually taking a poo when I thought of this
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Senses of humor are like blood types
Some people only get certain types of humor and can only exchange it with others like them. (A, B)
Others will laugh at anything but can't seem to make anyone else laugh (AB+)
And some rare people are funny to nearly anyone around them but never seem to find others funny (O-)
I'm not sure why I even came to this strange conclusion and it doesn't always work but hell I needed to share =P.
Public bathrooms should have background music playing so you don't have to sit in silence listening to EVERYTHING happening in the stalls next to you.
Hopefully you guys get what I mean. It's just so awkward.
Reddit should have a /r/BIFU group. The acronym stands for Before I F*ck Up. It's a place you can go to and say things like, "Today, I'm going to shave my anus. What could possibly go wrong?"
And then the good people of the internet will tell you why you shouldn't.
When my alarm clock interrupts my dreams, it murders an entire alternate universe.
If there's a version of me in the dream, he dies by buzzer.
Viruses from porn sites are essentially just STDs for your computer.
Just think about it, if you go to a bad porn site you'll probably get viruses like having unprotected sex with a prostitute.
Monday, February 9, 2015
Brazilian sounds like a really big number
Million, Zillion, Brazilian, Bazillion
Edit: Thanks for making my first post a great one! It may not seem like a lot, but thank you
Whoever told Rosa Parks to get up was as crucial to the event as she was
Wonder whatever happened to him?
Kanye West should start his own awards show "The Westies" and give Beyonce every award.
Best Music Video: Beyonce
Best Album: Beyonce
Best Rock Album: Beyonce
Best Country Album: Beyonce
etc etc etc
The boy scouts should sell jerky door to door. I would get excited about that.
Especially if they killed, processed, and dried it themselves
I enjoy cookies, but not enough to pay the mark up, or splurge like i see a lot of people do because its "seasonal" and for a "good cause"
however, if there was seasonal unique flavors of beef jerky, and it was for a good cause, i could totally see myself buying like 5 pounds at a time.
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Given that cell phone towers and wifi omit signal omnidirectionally, there is probably a porno passing through your body at every minute of the day - in binary.
There is probably some signal of people having phone sex most of the time too.
Edit: It should read 'emit'. Sorry, I was fresh out of the shower. Thanks waghag.
There should be an app that looks up a police officers badge number or name and lets you rate cops by professionalism and display any connected articles about them.
When they go to run your ID and/or registration you should be able to do some research on them since they are doing research on you.
Saturday, February 7, 2015
Toilet stall handles should be the flush for the toilet, so it's impossible to leave without flushing
With some reasonable method of stopping it flushing when opening from the outside, maybe just have it as a push
Friday, February 6, 2015
Raising a child is a lot like taking care of a tiny drunk who gradually sobers up over the course of 20 years
They'll eventually understand the effort you went through and be grateful, though never admit they pissed in your bed.
Thursday, February 5, 2015
I haven't forgotten to breathe in 25 years.
I've had a few people tell me that it made them start thinking about breathing because I reminded them so..
anybody remember... The Game?
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