It contains 30 years of headlines, and it will have been 30 years since.
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Why has no one invented an alcholic drink called 'Responsibly'?
Great suggestion from a friend. We could all get hammered drinking Responsibly; and other companies advertise to: "Please drink responsibly".
When they show a college athletes stats on a screen they should also show his GPA so that the players have more incentive to get better grades.
Because it does't matter how many 3's you score, passes you catch, or touchdowns you throw, Steve from Oklahoma will absolutely wreck your shit for slacking in school on Twitter.
Titleeditthankstotumblr: *their GPA.
Monday, March 30, 2015
We're currently living without things that in the future we 'won't be able to live without.'
"I couldn't live without my phone/Netflix/Google maps."
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Whenever you sneak or hide in a video game, the computer notices you, tells the enemy AI and Mobs where you are and then forbids them from interacting with you.
They know where you are but are unable to act on it until after you've snuck up behind them and performed amateur brain surgery with a blunt object.
EDIT: Alright I get it there's other means of stealth. You can stop now.
If I count myself, I've touched way more dick than vagina.
If I count myself, I've touched way more dick than vagina.
When a child is told to say sorry like they mean it, we are essentially teaching them to fake sincerity.
EDIT: Forgot how to properly word a sentence. I'm so sorry.
Saturday, March 28, 2015
Friday, March 27, 2015
Apple used to use the slogan "think different" but now tons of people have the same exact laptops.
Glowing white apples.
Glowing white apples everywhere.
Edit: the butthurt in this thread is magnificent.
The term "sleep like a baby" makes no sense. Baby's are terrible at sleeping. They keep waking up.
It should be "sleep like a bear"
Edit: The definition of a good sleep doesn't involve shitting myself either.
Thursday, March 26, 2015
The Internet is the most successful Sun-Cancer Prevention Scheme of all time.
EDIT: Alright, I'm seeing a running trend here. I should clarify, that by 'Sun-Cancer', I meant 'Any Cancer caused by spending excessive amounts of time in the sun'
That probably didn't help either
"If we could block reddit from the Buzzfeed office, they would probably be forced to shut down."
The end of clickbait lists once and for all
The value of a jewel is measured in carats, and the energy content of a carrot can be measured in joules.
1 Calorie=4184 joules, in case you were curious.
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
"Lefty loosey, Righty tightly" is probably the most useful thing anyone's ever said to me
Edit: misspelled Tighty in the title, can't change it now
They should give you the option when you walk into a barber shop: chatty or non?
Kind of like when you had to choose between smoking and non-smoking sections in restaurants, but with hair.
Psy's "Gangam Style" has been watched on Youtube 2,281,389,041 times. This is the equivalent of 18,000+ YEARS lost from the collective human species because of Psy.
(2,281,389,041 views x 4:12 minutes)/60 minutes/ 24 hours / 365.25 days = 18,217 YEARS.
This is the same as 70 entire lifetimes of watching Gangam Style
I'm so glad I didn't find reddit until after I graduated college.
I had enough distractions already... I cant even imagine...
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
I've watched so much porn I could probably give a blowjob better than my wife
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Doritos should use blue corn chips for the Cool Ranch chips
I think Cool Ranch is called something else in Europe, but I'm not sure.
The phrase "not to mention..." defeats itself
"Drugs? No, not all, officer. Just a little bit of music, some games, and a few drinks, not to mention the underground dogfighting ring."
"Dude! Why would you say that?!"
"You told me not to mention the underground dogfighting ring!"
Monday, March 23, 2015
When posted, this sentence will be the newest sentence in the world, but by the time anyone reads it, it will already be millions or billions of sentences old.
When posted, this sentence will be the newest sentence in the world, but by the time anyone reads it, it will already be millions or billions of sentences old.
Watching porn and masturbating is like watching the food network and eating bread.
You want what you're seeing but have to settle with what you have.
I thought I made up "the floor is lava." It never occurred to me that every child knows what it is.
How long has this game existed?!
Sunday, March 22, 2015
The horse that was led to water but would not drink probably ended up being the same horse was that was beaten after it died.
Figuratively speaking, of course, of course.
Dora the explorer's parents were extremely negligent
Dangerous places with only a monkey as your companion, shameful.
Reddit is like a person with bad memory who keeps telling you the same old stories every now and then, thinking you've never heard them.
It's sort of charming but also annoying as hell.
Saturday, March 21, 2015
My engineering notebook from this semester alone would be absolutely priceless to scientists a few hundred years back
Taking four Mechanical Engineering core classes and an Applied Math. It would seem like gibberish to them until they realized the unlocked secrets it held.
Friday, March 20, 2015
I go through the 5 stages of grief every workday morning.
Denial - Hit snooze and go right back to sleep.
Anger - Damnit, alarm! Shut up! I hate you!
Bargaining - I would do anything to be able to keep sleeping without getting fired.
Depression - But I need the money... I guess I don't have a choice. Climb out of bed like a zombie, sad to be out in the cruel cold world.
Acceptance - Ok fine, I'm awake now. Being awake isn't so bad. Time to get on with it then.
Thursday, March 19, 2015
I wonder how empty Reddit would become if Imgur shut down.
I mean the older posts of course. Basically all of them. Gone.
If a gif is in another tab... and no one is there to see it. Does it still run?
or does it secretly timelapse itself to the point it would be when you return.... sneaky gifs, never trusted them
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
If all fish are sentient in The Little Mermaid, Ariel wearing clamshells as a bra would be like if Princess Kate wore a human skeleton as lingerie.
Unless the clam is still alive, which is even more concerning.
EDIT: For crying out loud, everything's sentient in this movie, that's the point. That clam was a self-aware individual once; it had hopes, it had dreams! But now it's dead and its corpse is used to protect someone else's seashells.
Again, unless it's still alive. In which case, ecch.
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
I use lol as more of an indicator of tone while texting or talking online, rather than its accepted meaning of "laughing out loud"
Because tone is so hard to decypher based on text, I have always use lol to indicate that my words are meant to be read in a joking way rather than completely serious.
Monday, March 16, 2015
In the US, taxes are mandatory but voting isn't. People who pay taxes but don't vote are basically saying, "Here, take my money. Whoever is in charge can do whatever they want with it."
It's like the opposite of all the spam I get in my snail mail box. I always picture the postman saying, "Here, YOU throw this away."
When I see the title "Jaws", I don't think of the body part; I think of it as the Shark's name
As far as I can remember, they never specifically call the shark "Jaws" in any of the movies.
Sunday, March 15, 2015
How did humanity put men on the moon before somebody thought to add wheels to suitcases?
It just seems so strange given how obvious the idea of wheeled suitcases is now, but whilst we made plans for landing on the moon in the early 1960s (not to mention the moon landing in 1969), wheeled cases weren't invented until the early 1970s (see United States patent 3,653,474 for "Rolling Luggage").
On a clear day I can only see about 4 miles to the horizon, but on a clear night I can see millions of light years.
On a clear day I can only see about 3 miles to the horizon, but on a clear night I can see millions of light years.
TLC used to stand for 'The Learning Channel', but now it's more like 'Terrible Life Choices'.
Wish I could take credit for this, but it was all my girlfriends thought.
Saturday, March 14, 2015
If there was an actual "Video Game School", games like Ocarina of Time would become despised as generations were forced to play through them because they are considered "Classics", similar to how many students despise "Classic" books they are required to read, despite the book actually being good.
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What if the phrase "the mall" came about when someone asked, "which store are you going to?" And they replied with, "them all"
Also I have never heard the word mall without a "the" in front of it
It's ironic that the US charges income tax on Americans earning money while living in a different country when 18th Century Americans really did not like that UK charged them taxes while not living in the UK.
This is the wormhole that later led the the realization. Yes, the early American revolutionaries were upset about "taxation without representation" and this is a little different; living abroad and being taxed nowadays is more like "taxation with representation while living abroad." Anyways, I thought it was interesting to learn that the UK has "residence-based tax" laws.
Edit: Added a sentence to clarify that I am not claiming ex-patriots today are being taxed without representation.
There should be a "NSFW Only" setting that filters out all posts that aren't labeled "NSFW" so I can see everything I missed for the day without having to feed through everything I've already seen.
Purple... Purple.. Purple... Purple... Purple... Purple... Blue with a Red NSFW... Purple... Purple... "Wait!" ::Scrolls back up:: "Gross"... Purple... Purple... (You get the point) --- edit: I was thinking of when I browse after work when this popped in my head
Friday, March 13, 2015
If someone was born tomorrow on 3/14/15 at 9:26:53... And lived for one hundred years they would have experienced a full circle in their life
Because they would have experienced 2 exact pi days
If humans didn't wear clothing, we'd all be in better shape.
People would be more concious of their bodies and would work much harder to maintain a healthy lifestyle.
Disney should release the new Star Wars movie on May 4th instead of May 26th
May the 4th be with you.
Do anti-vaxxers install antivirus on their computers?
They don't protect their kids but maybe their computers?
Fight Club, American Beauty, The Matrix, and Office Space, movies featuring white male protagonists in dead-end generic office jobs who leave to find more meaning in their lives, were all released in 1999.
What was happening in the late 90s that four separate hit films were released the same year that featured the same type of protagonist with generally the same motivation?
I know more about WWII, which happened 50 years before I was born, than I do about the war Iraq War, which happened while I was alive
I'm not saying "the government keeps stuff from its citizens now", although that's probably true. I'm just saying we learned about WWI and II in school and didn't learn about the Iraq War.
Edit: whoops, put war in front of Iraq War
Thursday, March 12, 2015
Instead of using "1st Grade", we should call it "Level 1" when referring to school so it sounds cooler to kids.
Congratulations Robert! You've entered Level 9!
Your training schedule:
Gymnastics - + 8 spe
Chemistry - + 8 int
Edit: Look at all the karma :) I feel like I belong now <3
Most janitors either took the phrase "stay in school" too seriously or not seriously enough
Edit: no offence to janitors/custodians
When getting all depressed about my sad, shitty life I realized that my dog will be lucky to live another 4 years and he doesn't act like a little bitch about it.
Here's a pic of my best buddy Butters. Shits just been tough for years now, drowning in debt, struggling to make it paycheck to paycheck, taking any kind of work I can get but no one's interested in giving me a full time job, my wife doesn't seem to love me anymore, and I'm sinking back into depression. But I'm really lucky to have a great dog in my life, he's been an awesome friend so maybe I'll concentrate on making his life a little better and go hike the Appalachian Trail or something, anyone else interested in a long walk in the woods?
If you're ever feeling bad about yourself, just remember that someone somewhere is paying $19.99 a month for Tinder Plus.
Yes, it's true. It's so true that it could be you!
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
If Bill Gates gave every person in the US $225, he would still be a billionaire
"With a worth of $72 billion, a 6% rate of return would earn Gates roughly $114.16 per second he is alive, making it a poor investment for Bill Gates to bother picking up a dropped $100 bill."
I would probably take better much care of my body if I had implanted sensors giving me live feedback of my body's vital stats and I could earn points and achievements for improving things.
I could have cool apps on my phone that would show my numbers in little charts and dials and stuff.
Blood pressure, heart rate, blood levels of various chemicals, etc.
I don't know if it would work, but it would be awesome if it could tell me how many calories I'd consumed, grams of fat, etc. Basically I'd have a little chemical lab in my body running tests all day.
"Click here to post today's urinalysis results to Facebook!"
The last thing on my internet explorer history is the page for downloading chrome
And for some people it's the first thing on their internet explorer history
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
There is a worst brain surgeon in the world, and it could be yours.
Law of averages: even if we can't know who it is, there is one.
People Should Have Mental Examinations as Often as They Have Physical Examinations
There have been some suicides near my area recently, and I think it would be a wise idea to have people be checked out for their mental status.
Monday, March 9, 2015
If I was an Optometrist, my business card would say “You'll see! You'll all see!"
And it would be purposely blurry.
Have you ever take a big shit, then look at your own shit, thinking "Wow, a dick that big can probably enter my anus no problem"?
If its true then my anus can take quite a big dick #ThoughtsOfTheDay
Youtube should add a feature where you can't like or dislike a video until you've watched a certain percentage of the video's length
100% would be optimistic, as I myself will admit to not watching the entirety of most Youtube videos, especially ones that have the users outro video, but it would greatly help the Youtube's already cancerous community be a bit more informative to Youtubers themselves, so they know that people have actually watched some of their video before they leave a dislike
Also, the percentage should be decreased or increased based on the length of the video, otherwise Youtubers who regularly post long videos would suffer
Time could be freezing for billions of years every five minutes and we would have no idea.
Edit: okay, due to time pretty much being the universe, we will pretend that the observer exists outside of it.
Sunday, March 8, 2015
Pringles should have a twister at the bottom like deodorant to bring the chips closer to their destination.
You know, for optimum Pringle-eating efficiency.
"It isn't" and "It's not" are the same three words, just contractionalized differently.
And they're used the same amount in regular speech.
There should be dorms for single adults similar to the ones at colleges. When you’re single, life would be a lot better if you are surrounded by attractive members of the opposite sex and get all of your food made for you in a cafeteria.
Of course, the living arrangements would be nicer and there wouldn't be RAs to prevent you from drinking in your rooms. You interact alot more with the community than you do when you get an apartment in the city.
EDIT: There would also be a bar in the lobby. I'll open it up fellow redditers to think of further improvements.
Once you reach adulthood, you realize the "cool parents" in school were just the ones that didn't give a damn
EDIT: To clarify, I don't mean the "cool parents" who host the parties, buy beer for 15 year olds, or set bad examples (necessarily). I mean the parents who buy their kids whatever they want, don't punish them, etc (which seems cool at the time). There's a fine line that parents have to straddle between letting their kids grow up and keeping them in line. But in grade school, the "cool parents," at least in my experiences, were just the ones who didn't care.
What if having an anti-vaccination stance means you are infected with a very intelligent virus?
its just trying to protect itself and its kin, by making you act stupid.
If a woman had a one-night stand with a different man every week, people would make jokes about her vagina being loose from overuse. If a different woman was in a relationship and had sex with her SO 2-3 times a week, no one would make those jokes.
The second woman is having far more sex, apparently it's the variety that makes vaginas lose elasticity?
Saturday, March 7, 2015
What if when we die, we get to relive our life in the memories that other people have of us? So the quality of our afterlife is entirely based on being part of other people's good memories.
Although I guess if we are simply inserted back into our own consciousness during each memory it doesn't really matter if the memories were good for other people as long as we were enjoying ourselves in those moments.
Reddit is like the back of the classroom in high school. You can barely hear the serious conversation the OP tried to start because the top comments are all in-jokes.
And most of the time you don't get them, and really just want to hear what the kids in the front row have to say.
Edit: So far top comment is from the back of the class. A dollar says it stays that way.
Edit 2: Reaching the front page of Reddit with a showerthought is like cracking up your whole history class with a Napoleon dick joke. Also: on track to win a dollar.
Edit 3: I may need to borrow a dollar. The front of the class has taken control of the post. This is turning rather meta.
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