or Cortana for those Windows people.
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
Telephone numbers in movies and TV shows should abandon the "555" convention and instead direct viewers to charity donation hotlines
"555" breaks the fourth wall immersion every time we see it. Let's get rid of it and do some good in the meantime.
At some point being eaten alive switches to just being eaten.
Self-driving cars could deliver themselves.
We all know that one day we're going to die but deep down we're all hoping that maybe there will be an exception
edit: I had no idea so many people were down with dying!
OK looks like a stick figure lying on its side.
The President of the United States technically works from home.
We never stop clapping, we just really, really slooooooooooow down.
Yeah, there might be a few weeks in between claps, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you're stopping.
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Does my doctor have his own doctor? If so, can't I just ask his doctor who HIS doctor is and so on until I follow the chain to the world's ultimate doctor?
Actually literally was thinking about this in the shower during my morning haze just now and decided to post it when I got out. Not high, just tired lol.
So I wonder now if Mars has more water than California
Monday, September 28, 2015
Everyone who knows what TIL stands for once had a day when their TIL was what TIL means.
By the way TIL stands for Today I learned
What if as a planet we turned all our lights off at once, then back on in a constant rhythm for 1 day. So years down the road Aliens might think Wtf is happening over there...
Yes I know its pretty stupid...
Carrot juice is technically also orange juice
When you think about it... :/
It's a good thing my heart isn't as lazy as the rest of me.
Every time I see * on an advertisement, my mind calls bullshit on the previous statement.
I know it highlights a caveat on the ad, but cynicism is easier than speed-reading small-print.
Sunday, September 27, 2015
Heroes are always reluctant... Villians are always ambitious
The female equivalent of Viagra should be called 'Niagara"
Gray hair is just your hair printer running out of ink.
Johnny Cash would have been a good name for a rapper.
Dogs are like the drunk extroverts at a party and cats are like the stoner introverts who are lounging around wishing the dogs would just shut up for a minute.
Let the dogs out in the back yard whilst our two cats were lounging on the porch enjoying the peaceful quiet of the afternoon; our dogs immediately began barking at the neighbors dogs and causing a ruckus, tearing the zen-like silence asunder in a matter of seconds. The cats looked up from where they were laying like "dude..."
Saturday, September 26, 2015
Of 7 billion, I am my dog's favorite person on the planet.
I'm so old, my handheld games were filled with water :-/
Lab rats have better access to medicine than most humans.
When my grandma says "This is my jam," she means something very different than the girls at the club.
Her version is always delicious though.
if you look at the ground you have a 1:1 map of Earth
Does "do not touch" exist in Braille?
Batman isn't a great detective because of his skills, he's a great detective because he doesn't have to go through legal procedures a police detective would have to
You know, skips the bureaucracy and all that shit.
Friday, September 25, 2015
The file extension for a 3D printable object should be .irl
Forget a dislike button, Facebook needs a "this article/picture is fake" button.
Or maybe it is just me who is bothered by all the stuff people share without ever thinking twice about its legitimacy.
The Simpsons has been mediocre for longer than its been genius.
In professional poker, is Botox considered a performance enhancing drug?
Professional poker players seem to have a frozen appearance and wear sunglasses hats etc. Would Botox take it to the next level?
We bake cookies and cook bacon.
Ahmed made a bomb that blew up the internet.
Most people die with a negative K/D.
10 Things I Hate About You sounds like a movie that would be produced by BuzzFeed
You won't believe number 7!
Birthday sex is celebrating exiting a vagina by entering one.
Also it's my birthday today
Instead of the war on drugs, I think it's about time for the war on drug companies.
In light of recent news...WTF?
While asleep, our brains are capable of assembling complex narratives set in fantastical worlds; populating them with beings and structures, all perfectly animated and rendered... While awake, we're lucky if we can draw a decent stick figure.
Peter Parker built a career out of taking selfies.
It's weird how much the Charmin bears love wiping their ass.
It's all they do, really.
A group of squid should be called a squad.
Thursday, September 24, 2015
Dane Cook is the Nickelback of stand-up comedians.
Those of us born before 2000 are all going to sound so old to future kids.
When you see someone was born in 1912 you say "wow thats old", but when you see 1887 it seems much older, right?
So we will of been born in 1980-something, when its 2025 I feel like 45 will seem older because when asked "what year were you born in?" And you dont say 20-- you say 19-- it'll feel like more?
Does that make sense?
If alcohol and tobacco were discovered today they would probably be made illegal.
Probably schedule II drugs, or maybe even schedule I.
Chicken broth is just meat tea
For Anakin Skywalker's entire life he had to call someone a master right up until he died
Born into slavery, freed but now a jedi padawan he still has to call obi wan and others a master (not the same thing as a slave but the title still implies a degree authority). Then after he becomes darth vader he has to call Darth Sidious his master.
The difference between a Million and a Billion is almost a Billion.
It's 99.9% of the way there
If I were a cop, I'd drive an unmarked car with a "honk if you're drunk" bumper sticker.
Also someone needs to start selling said bumper stickers.
Security cameras are a scarecrow for humans
Dollar bills don't have dollar signs on them.
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Martin Shkreli was probably planning a price bump to $18 all along, he just knew any price increase would be met with outrage. Bump the price to $750, get a ton of free publicity, "drop the price" back down to $18, and convince people the $5 price bump per pill is actually reasonable.
He's a dick.
Blind people could use a glue stick as a higlighter.
Energy drinks and caffeine are basically just stamina potions
Losing weight is a problem you can run away from
Websites that have asinine requirements for your profile's password (e.g. lowercase letter, uppercase letter, number, symbol, color, taste, etc) should give you the choice to opt out and let you use the password you want. I'm just not that worried about my pizza account being hacked.
....or my library account!
Giving friends Snickers bars when they are being little bitches is positive reinforcement for bad behaviour
Even mice understand this concept
Referees should wear cameras so we see their perspective.
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Turning 22 today. It's a lot like being a level 37 Charizard. Who fucking cares.
First of many birthdays that mean nothing.
As a white male, the term "diversity" doesn't include me.
Suppose that someone duplicated me, creating an exact copy of myself that also has the exact same memories and experiences that I have. If that duplicate sat next to me right after it was created, would we be able to have an interesting conversation, or would we completely bore each other?
All humans want is an excuse to be silly. Children act silly because they don't need an excuse yet. Young adults use alcohol as an excuse to be silly. Parents use their children as an excuse to be silly. And then old people just use being old as an excuse to be silly.
Reddit is like commenting in a movie theatre. If it's really funny, everyone laughs. If it's anything less than that, people yell and get angry with you
At least in reddit they can't throw things at you
I own a dog so I can talk to myself.
Dear Caps Lock, Never have I ever wanted to type "sEPTEMBER"
Monday, September 21, 2015
Life begins as a whole bunch of firsts, and slowly, without our knowledge, becomes a whole bunch of lasts
Your first time eating a certain food, your first time going to high school, your first time seeing your mom; eventually, and without our knowledge, these turn into your last time doing all of these things
Gym Machines should have high scores
If you were able to turn invisible, it would be impossible to see correctly because light is would be hitting both sides of your retina.
Sorry for the title gore, should have been "because light would be hitting".
It's really fucked up that nobody volunteered for Rue in the Hunger Games.
Clearly volunteering is allowed, so why did nobody volunteer for Rue like Katniss did her sister?
Perfect crimes could happen all the time and nobody would really know.
Cause they're perfect.
According to the mac & cheese box, I am a family of 4
Credit cards should have our e-mail addresses tied to them so that we can get receipts e-mailed to us and instantly be aware of fraud.
Edit 1: It would also make it easier to keep track of your expenses.
Edit 2: Apparently this already exist. Maybe I need to look into it at my bank. I can go online and view my transactions, but typically there is a lag. I can also only view the name of the transaction and the amount. Being sent an actual receipt could be a lot more useful because it would provide an easy way to return a purchase and it would allow me to see what was the money was actually spent on.
Someone should make a racing game with Google street view so you could drive wherever you want
Wouldn't even have to race. Virtual driving in real cities would be kinda fun
The year 2024 is closer than 2005.
Your future self is watching you right now through memories.
Jesus had to move back in with his dad at age 33.
Sunday, September 20, 2015
The word 'shy' should be banned from gonewild.
It seems like almost every single GW post has "im shy" in the title. If you are really that shy, you wouldn't be posting your ass hole to the internet.
GoneMild I can kinda understand.
They call it a Beaver (vagina) because it eats Wood (penis)
The "twen" in twenty is just two and ten combined.
The purpose of a lollipop is to create flavoured saliva
I have never put a suit in a suitcase
Our black president lives in gov housing..
The more attractive you are, the less likely you are to be corrected when you're wrong. No wonder super hot people say such dumb stuff.
Correcting people you want to sleep with doesn't seem like a very good strategy.
Also, shoutout to all the unattatractive people who didn't get enough attention in learning environments, due to being unattractive.
We can all find a path to our own personal idiocy.
The Sistine Chapel is just a really big piece of Bible Fanart
I'm not addicted to my phone. I'm not addicted to Reddit. I'm addicted to reading.
Why should that be a probkem?
A spoon is just a bowl that fits in your mouth
How has r/goldenshowers not been renamed r/kelly?
NSFW means nothing to the unemployed
I really miss snapping my flip-phone shut
Saturday, September 19, 2015
Viagra is like caps lock for your dick.
I always read the TL;DR, even after I read the whole submission.
It should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife in Paintball
Or maybe one of those gratify markers... Could you imagine? sneaking behind someone and yell, Picasso Motha F!
John Cena is the new Rick Astley.
The universe is expanding. So for every minute we delay going to the stars, our descendants will spend years and years travelling through extra empty space.
Getting to space is literally a race.
What if dogs return the ball/frisbee because they are impressed with our ability to throw objects and just want to see it over and over again.
Their smiling faces just say "Wow, do that again!" "How does he do that?"
Did paper planes exist before real ones? What were they called?
Trump supporters should be called "Trumpets"
Friday, September 18, 2015
Comedians are just really charismatic complainers.
A chicken bouillon cube is literally a cock block
I've always thought of Yoshi as a male, but Yoshi lays eggs.
I wish my tongue were abrasive enough to clean my teeth.
I hate brushing :(
I always assume that large dogs are male.
A clock basically high fives itself every hour
Losing 20 pounds in the US is way better than in the UK
Thursday, September 17, 2015
When two men get married do they go to the same bachelor party?
The Rock that will become your Tomb Stone already exists.
Ahmed Mohamed is the Arabic equivalent of Ronald McDonald when it comes to catchy rhyming names
Say it.
AH-med mo-HA-med
AH-med mo-HA-med
Say it!!!
The last man to live won't have a proper funeral.
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
Door to door salespeople are just real life popup ads.
Because of the internet, Ahmed Mohamed actually blew up.
Old people don't drive slow. Slow drivers live to be old people.
Man buns are the mullets of today.
The antonym of synonym is antonym, but synonym has no synonym
I want an Explain Like I'm High (ELIH) so I can know the answers to life's mysteries.
...and why waffles make me cry or why my toes are fascinating.
The sentence, "We need to talk." is the most anxiety-inducing 4 word sentence in existence.
Nobody ever gets any happy thoughts when these words are spewed from somebody's mouth. They are very stressful when coming from a woman, especially.
i have never seen a blind person reading a public braille sign
There are dogs that understand more Spanish than me.
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Kid Rock should change his name to Adult Country.
Fire Trucks should really be called Water Trucks
The hardest one-syllable word to say out loud is "sixths"
It just dawned on me, Ray-Ban is not just a name. It's about banning sunrays.
Im 23 years old, and it just never occured to me. English is not my first language though.
Kim Jong-Un might actually be the fattest guy in North Korea.
The speed in which a woman says "Nothing", when asked "What's Wrong?", is inversely proportionate to the severity of the shit-storm coming.
I've tested this theory before and my findings state this is very true.
"Killing Time" is actually Time Killing You
If Kirby grew a beard it would also be his pubes.
Monday, September 14, 2015
If you think about it, kidney stones are like human pearls
The human body is really quiet for everything it does.
Or any living thing really
Demetri Martin's stand up routine has to be the best collection of shower thoughts ever assembled.
The more I hear his jokes, I feel like versions of them have already been posted here before.
There are millions upon millions of plants growing across the globe that were planted by their seeds being carried by wind and animals, in the some of the harshest conditions...and I can't grow a f---ing tomato plant in a pot with special soil and instructions how to do so.
Having a pet is the best example of Stockholm Syndrome in action.
You get a puppy(kitten/etc), it cries for a few days wondering where it's parents are. You Feed and care for it. Then at some point it depends on you and forgets it has parents. Well done ya kidnapping bastard
Each "Wet paint" sign put up gradually turns into a lie.
I treat my body in a way that proves I have 100% confidence in medical science being able to fix ANY medical problem by the time I'm 50.
Well, I'm holding thumbs!
Edit: It may be interesting to note that I posted this whilst in the Doc's waiting room!
When a bald person washes their face, how far up do they go?
There should be a porn star named Dwayne "The Cock" Johnson
Sunday, September 13, 2015
I've never seen a new bowling alley.
If McDonald's "forgot" a $.50 piece of extra cheese 10 times a day at each of their 36,000 locations, that wasn't disputed, then they steal 60+ million dollars a year.
Edit: real math
Xtra cheese cost: $.25 to $.35 (average $.30) @ $.30 per golden square X 10 X 365 X 36,000
$39,420,000 per year grossly underestimated because you know it happens more than 10 times a day. Sometimes they leave out whole burgers.
Edit 2: If they didn't forget the cheese, they still gain $.29 of the $.30 cents but those $.29 aren't stolen. That's just the cost. As soon as my $.30 gets paid for an item I didn't receive then 100% of that $.30 is stolen.
People don't seem to understand so here it goes: if I took them to a court that would make a case ofer the $.30 piece of cheese, and I could prove that they charged me $.30 for a piece of cheese that they never gave me, then the court would make them pay me back the $.30. The whole $.30 is stolen.
If super heroes were real, I doubt they'd spend as much time in 1st World Countries, like they do in the comics.
With all the corruption, war lords, and genocide, 3rd World Countries typically need a bit more help than the States do because of the Occupy Wall Street movement.
When texting your crush the only difference between being flirty and being creepy is if she likes you
When texting your crush the only difference between being flirty and being creepy is if she likes you
Saturday, September 12, 2015
What if Westboro Baptist Church was actually secretly a group of super tolerant activists who staged outrageous protests to draw public attention to the causes they care about, while simultaneously creating a mockery of fundamental Christianity.
The NSFW tag for showerthoughts is essentially useless
Friday, September 11, 2015
There are literally people on NSFW sub reddits that suck dick for karma.
I'm not one of them
The Onion should add a fake comments section to their articles.
Waldo's mom must be worried sick.
Every time I hear a "XX walks into a bar" joke, I always picture an old Western bar.
Always have, always will.
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Jack really dodged a bullet by not eating those beans.
Oral sex probably got more popular after soap was discovered.
Standing balls deep in water changes based on the temperature.
The colder the water, the deeper you need to get to be balls deep.
They should just start using liquid soap in jails.
Actual shower thought that sparked when I dropped my soap.
"You're killin me, Smalls!" is an appropriate reaction to somebody who doesn't know what"You're killin me, Smalls!" is from.
I'll admit, it wasn't a shower thought, but a bored at work thought.
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
I wonder how many people have 2 accounts so they can give the perfect reply to their own posts
The funny thing is, I honestly haven't replied to this post from another account
Despite everything DARE taught me, not once was I ever offered drugs at school.
EDIT: really should have said "told" not "taught" since DARE really didn't do shit for me
Before video cameras, no one has ever seen themselves blink
"Slang" is the slang term for Colloquial.
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
Bed, Bath and Beyond would be a great name for a brothel
Where does a bald person's face end?
So when they're moisturizing or something do they just...do their whole head?