or Cortana for those Windows people.
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
Telephone numbers in movies and TV shows should abandon the "555" convention and instead direct viewers to charity donation hotlines
"555" breaks the fourth wall immersion every time we see it. Let's get rid of it and do some good in the meantime.
We all know that one day we're going to die but deep down we're all hoping that maybe there will be an exception
edit: I had no idea so many people were down with dying!
We never stop clapping, we just really, really slooooooooooow down.
Yeah, there might be a few weeks in between claps, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you're stopping.
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Does my doctor have his own doctor? If so, can't I just ask his doctor who HIS doctor is and so on until I follow the chain to the world's ultimate doctor?
Actually literally was thinking about this in the shower during my morning haze just now and decided to post it when I got out. Not high, just tired lol.
Monday, September 28, 2015
Everyone who knows what TIL stands for once had a day when their TIL was what TIL means.
By the way TIL stands for Today I learned
Every time I see * on an advertisement, my mind calls bullshit on the previous statement.
I know it highlights a caveat on the ad, but cynicism is easier than speed-reading small-print.
Sunday, September 27, 2015
Dogs are like the drunk extroverts at a party and cats are like the stoner introverts who are lounging around wishing the dogs would just shut up for a minute.
Let the dogs out in the back yard whilst our two cats were lounging on the porch enjoying the peaceful quiet of the afternoon; our dogs immediately began barking at the neighbors dogs and causing a ruckus, tearing the zen-like silence asunder in a matter of seconds. The cats looked up from where they were laying like "dude..."
Saturday, September 26, 2015
When my grandma says "This is my jam," she means something very different than the girls at the club.
Her version is always delicious though.
Batman isn't a great detective because of his skills, he's a great detective because he doesn't have to go through legal procedures a police detective would have to
You know, skips the bureaucracy and all that shit.
Friday, September 25, 2015
Forget a dislike button, Facebook needs a "this article/picture is fake" button.
Or maybe it is just me who is bothered by all the stuff people share without ever thinking twice about its legitimacy.
In professional poker, is Botox considered a performance enhancing drug?
Professional poker players seem to have a frozen appearance and wear sunglasses hats etc. Would Botox take it to the next level?
10 Things I Hate About You sounds like a movie that would be produced by BuzzFeed
You won't believe number 7!
Instead of the war on drugs, I think it's about time for the war on drug companies.
In light of recent news...WTF?
Thursday, September 24, 2015
Those of us born before 2000 are all going to sound so old to future kids.
When you see someone was born in 1912 you say "wow thats old", but when you see 1887 it seems much older, right?
So we will of been born in 1980-something, when its 2025 I feel like 45 will seem older because when asked "what year were you born in?" And you dont say 20-- you say 19-- it'll feel like more?
Does that make sense?
If alcohol and tobacco were discovered today they would probably be made illegal.
Probably schedule II drugs, or maybe even schedule I.
For Anakin Skywalker's entire life he had to call someone a master right up until he died
Born into slavery, freed but now a jedi padawan he still has to call obi wan and others a master (not the same thing as a slave but the title still implies a degree authority). Then after he becomes darth vader he has to call Darth Sidious his master.
If I were a cop, I'd drive an unmarked car with a "honk if you're drunk" bumper sticker.
Also someone needs to start selling said bumper stickers.
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Websites that have asinine requirements for your profile's password (e.g. lowercase letter, uppercase letter, number, symbol, color, taste, etc) should give you the choice to opt out and let you use the password you want. I'm just not that worried about my pizza account being hacked.
....or my library account!
Giving friends Snickers bars when they are being little bitches is positive reinforcement for bad behaviour
Even mice understand this concept
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Turning 22 today. It's a lot like being a level 37 Charizard. Who fucking cares.
First of many birthdays that mean nothing.
Suppose that someone duplicated me, creating an exact copy of myself that also has the exact same memories and experiences that I have. If that duplicate sat next to me right after it was created, would we be able to have an interesting conversation, or would we completely bore each other?
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Reddit is like commenting in a movie theatre. If it's really funny, everyone laughs. If it's anything less than that, people yell and get angry with you
At least in reddit they can't throw things at you
Monday, September 21, 2015
Life begins as a whole bunch of firsts, and slowly, without our knowledge, becomes a whole bunch of lasts
Your first time eating a certain food, your first time going to high school, your first time seeing your mom; eventually, and without our knowledge, these turn into your last time doing all of these things
If you were able to turn invisible, it would be impossible to see correctly because light is would be hitting both sides of your retina.
Sorry for the title gore, should have been "because light would be hitting".
It's really fucked up that nobody volunteered for Rue in the Hunger Games.
Clearly volunteering is allowed, so why did nobody volunteer for Rue like Katniss did her sister?
Credit cards should have our e-mail addresses tied to them so that we can get receipts e-mailed to us and instantly be aware of fraud.
Edit 1: It would also make it easier to keep track of your expenses.
Edit 2: Apparently this already exist. Maybe I need to look into it at my bank. I can go online and view my transactions, but typically there is a lag. I can also only view the name of the transaction and the amount. Being sent an actual receipt could be a lot more useful because it would provide an easy way to return a purchase and it would allow me to see what was the money was actually spent on.
Someone should make a racing game with Google street view so you could drive wherever you want
Wouldn't even have to race. Virtual driving in real cities would be kinda fun
Sunday, September 20, 2015
The word 'shy' should be banned from gonewild.
It seems like almost every single GW post has "im shy" in the title. If you are really that shy, you wouldn't be posting your ass hole to the internet.
GoneMild I can kinda understand.
The more attractive you are, the less likely you are to be corrected when you're wrong. No wonder super hot people say such dumb stuff.
Correcting people you want to sleep with doesn't seem like a very good strategy.
Also, shoutout to all the unattatractive people who didn't get enough attention in learning environments, due to being unattractive.
We can all find a path to our own personal idiocy.
I'm not addicted to my phone. I'm not addicted to Reddit. I'm addicted to reading.
Why should that be a probkem?
Saturday, September 19, 2015
It should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife in Paintball
Or maybe one of those gratify markers... Could you imagine? sneaking behind someone and yell, Picasso Motha F!
What if dogs return the ball/frisbee because they are impressed with our ability to throw objects and just want to see it over and over again.
Their smiling faces just say "Wow, do that again!" "How does he do that?"
Friday, September 18, 2015
Thursday, September 17, 2015
Ahmed Mohamed is the Arabic equivalent of Ronald McDonald when it comes to catchy rhyming names
Say it.
AH-med mo-HA-med
AH-med mo-HA-med
Say it!!!
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
I want an Explain Like I'm High (ELIH) so I can know the answers to life's mysteries.
...and why waffles make me cry or why my toes are fascinating.
The sentence, "We need to talk." is the most anxiety-inducing 4 word sentence in existence.
Nobody ever gets any happy thoughts when these words are spewed from somebody's mouth. They are very stressful when coming from a woman, especially.
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
It just dawned on me, Ray-Ban is not just a name. It's about banning sunrays.
Im 23 years old, and it just never occured to me. English is not my first language though.
The speed in which a woman says "Nothing", when asked "What's Wrong?", is inversely proportionate to the severity of the shit-storm coming.
I've tested this theory before and my findings state this is very true.
Monday, September 14, 2015
Demetri Martin's stand up routine has to be the best collection of shower thoughts ever assembled.
The more I hear his jokes, I feel like versions of them have already been posted here before.
Having a pet is the best example of Stockholm Syndrome in action.
You get a puppy(kitten/etc), it cries for a few days wondering where it's parents are. You Feed and care for it. Then at some point it depends on you and forgets it has parents. Well done ya kidnapping bastard
I treat my body in a way that proves I have 100% confidence in medical science being able to fix ANY medical problem by the time I'm 50.
Well, I'm holding thumbs!
Edit: It may be interesting to note that I posted this whilst in the Doc's waiting room!
Sunday, September 13, 2015
If McDonald's "forgot" a $.50 piece of extra cheese 10 times a day at each of their 36,000 locations, that wasn't disputed, then they steal 60+ million dollars a year.
Edit: real math
Xtra cheese cost: $.25 to $.35 (average $.30) @ $.30 per golden square X 10 X 365 X 36,000
$39,420,000 per year grossly underestimated because you know it happens more than 10 times a day. Sometimes they leave out whole burgers.
Edit 2: If they didn't forget the cheese, they still gain $.29 of the $.30 cents but those $.29 aren't stolen. That's just the cost. As soon as my $.30 gets paid for an item I didn't receive then 100% of that $.30 is stolen.
People don't seem to understand so here it goes: if I took them to a court that would make a case ofer the $.30 piece of cheese, and I could prove that they charged me $.30 for a piece of cheese that they never gave me, then the court would make them pay me back the $.30. The whole $.30 is stolen.
If super heroes were real, I doubt they'd spend as much time in 1st World Countries, like they do in the comics.
With all the corruption, war lords, and genocide, 3rd World Countries typically need a bit more help than the States do because of the Occupy Wall Street movement.
When texting your crush the only difference between being flirty and being creepy is if she likes you
When texting your crush the only difference between being flirty and being creepy is if she likes you
Saturday, September 12, 2015
Friday, September 11, 2015
Every time I hear a "XX walks into a bar" joke, I always picture an old Western bar.
Always have, always will.
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Standing balls deep in water changes based on the temperature.
The colder the water, the deeper you need to get to be balls deep.
They should just start using liquid soap in jails.
Actual shower thought that sparked when I dropped my soap.
"You're killin me, Smalls!" is an appropriate reaction to somebody who doesn't know what"You're killin me, Smalls!" is from.
I'll admit, it wasn't a shower thought, but a bored at work thought.
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
I wonder how many people have 2 accounts so they can give the perfect reply to their own posts
The funny thing is, I honestly haven't replied to this post from another account
Despite everything DARE taught me, not once was I ever offered drugs at school.
EDIT: really should have said "told" not "taught" since DARE really didn't do shit for me
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
Where does a bald person's face end?
So when they're moisturizing or something do they just...do their whole head?
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