Wednesday, September 30, 2015

It'll be nice if you could shout "Siri where are you" and it'll respond "over here" when trying to look for your iPhone

or Cortana for those Windows people.



If I had an identical twins that was 5 minutes younger than me, I'd constantly tell them "when I was your age I..." then proceed to tell them what I was doing 5 minutes ago.

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The fact that we know Chameleons even exist just proves they are failures.

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Intentionally losing at Rock Paper Scissors is just as hard as trying to win

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Weird Al Yankovic should release a serious song on April fools day

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As a kid I hated my common, boring name. Today, I love that no one can Google me.

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In the future, our kids will ask us why we say "there's plenty of fish in the sea".

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Telephone numbers in movies and TV shows should abandon the "555" convention and instead direct viewers to charity donation hotlines

"555" breaks the fourth wall immersion every time we see it. Let's get rid of it and do some good in the meantime.



If I won the lottery, I would send 1000 people legitimate emails pretending to be a prince in a foreign country offering to share a portion of my wealth with them

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I wish there was an IMDB equivalent that would show me the roles I've had in other people's dreams.

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At some point being eaten alive switches to just being eaten.

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Self-driving cars could deliver themselves.

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The Swiss must have been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a wine bottle corkscrew on their army knife.

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"Is anyone downloading something?" is just the 21rst century version of "Is someone using hot water?"

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"If you're reading this, then you're not one of the +800 million people in the world who can't read" should be used in an illiteracy campaign.

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I never see the FBI anti-piracy warnings anymore because most of the movies I watch are pirated.

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We all know that one day we're going to die but deep down we're all hoping that maybe there will be an exception

edit: I had no idea so many people were down with dying!



Regardless of if you believe in evolution or creationism, every single person on this subreddit is somehow related to each other.

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Reddit comment threads are a combination of two of my favorite things: people watching and not leaving my house.

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Humans colonizing Mars will be like unlocking the next world in a video game

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OK looks like a stick figure lying on its side.

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What if Uber and Tinder Collaborated so that every time you matched with someone you could get a discount on an uber to their place

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Losing an argument when you are right just because the other person is too stupid to understand what you're saying is probably one of the most infuriating things EVER.

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Male enhancement companies should buy the cheapest NASCAR on the market so that the car with their logo always takes the longest to finish.

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Remember in the 90’s there used be a room in your house that was called the “computer room”.

Source: x



The President of the United States technically works from home.

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How many spam accounts on dating apps are having never ending conversations with other spam accounts?

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In 'The Departed', Mark Wahlberg has his famous line, "I'm the guy who does his job; you must be the other guy." Years later, he plays alongside Will Ferrell as a team of half-witted cops in the movie 'The Other Guys."

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We never stop clapping, we just really, really slooooooooooow down.

Yeah, there might be a few weeks in between claps, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you're stopping.



If NASA would have said that the flowing liquid on the surface of Mars was oil instead of water, the United States would be there tomorrow.

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One extra perk of becoming president is that your last name isn't incorrect in spell check anymore

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Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Saying the letters NSFW require more syllables than saying Not Safe For Work.

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The Homeless are some of the most environmentally friendly humans, almost zero carbon footprint, and they recycle all our empties and metals.

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Daredevil is a blind superhero whose superpower is that he can see.

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There should be a show called 'It's Probably Fine' debunking scaremongering.

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Facebook has become so boring that people have nothing to do but simply re-share old memories.

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Does my doctor have his own doctor? If so, can't I just ask his doctor who HIS doctor is and so on until I follow the chain to the world's ultimate doctor?

Actually literally was thinking about this in the shower during my morning haze just now and decided to post it when I got out. Not high, just tired lol.



I'm not positive on my age, I just trust everyone around me is telling the truth about when I was born.

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When information was difficult to obtain, college was cheap. Now that information is easy to access, college tuition has skyrocketed.

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We grew up being taught not to get in cars with strangers and now we hop into Ubers like it's nothing.

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Statistically, quite a few of the people reading this while getting ready to leave for work won't ever make it home again.

That's a bummer man.



What if Mars has water on it because we used to live there and fucked up the climate so badly that we had to send an escape pod to earth with only Adam and Eve in it?

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Everyone born in the year 2000 will always have an easy time remembering how old they are.

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So I wonder now if Mars has more water than California

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When we say that cheetahs can run 75 mph, we think it is true of every cheetah. Humans can run about 28 mph- but we know that is not true of every human.

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When Peanuts characters hit puberty and their voices start to change, do they start to sound more and more like a trombone?

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The NASA find of water on Mars made the movie "The Martian" scientifically outdated before its official theater release.

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If Japan ever colonizes Mars, their flag would symbolize two things at once.

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Monday, September 28, 2015

Everyone who knows what TIL stands for once had a day when their TIL was what TIL means.

By the way TIL stands for Today I learned



As a kid I would brag about staying up past 11. As an adult I brag about getting to sleep before 11.

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One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you're the mom.

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Someone should sell cheap, disposable alarm clocks that you can smash to pieces when you wake up in a bad mood.

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When I was a kid I wanted everyone to know who I was on the internet. Now I want people to know me as little as possible.

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What if as a planet we turned all our lights off at once, then back on in a constant rhythm for 1 day. So years down the road Aliens might think Wtf is happening over there...

Yes I know its pretty stupid...



What if traffic is just a buffering system that the matrix uses to load our surroundings.

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Early humans must've flipped the hell out when they saw the moon turn red, then disappear.

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Carrot juice is technically also orange juice

When you think about it... :/



It's a good thing my heart isn't as lazy as the rest of me.

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Every time I see * on an advertisement, my mind calls bullshit on the previous statement.

I know it highlights a caveat on the ad, but cynicism is easier than speed-reading small-print.



Five hours feels like an awful lot when you're awake, but precious little when you're asleep

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There are places in the Australian outback where if you are there at the right time the closest person to you will be an astronaut on the ISS.

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Cops pulling you over for speeding is like the adult version of teachers telling you not to run in the hallways.

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If gravity were to randomly cut off, cars would launch off the ground due to the force in the suspension.

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Driving recklessly is a crime, while driving wrecklessly is an accomplishment

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If you were on the moon during a lunar eclipse and you looked back at the Earth, you would see it surrounded by the red ring of the sun behind it. You'd be looking at every sunset and every sunrise on Earth at the same time.

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Deciding not to buy lottery tickets is like winning a small lottery in itself. It just pays out discretely over a lifetime.

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Sunday, September 27, 2015

If the television show "How It's Made" ever ends, the last episode should be "How 'How It's Made' Is Made."

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If you throw a paper airplane, it's still considered stationary.

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When parents say to kids, "go to your room and think about what you've done," it's really good practice for what you'll do every night as an adult.

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In 100 years, people will probably still use the term 'MacGyver it' for using ingenuity in order to fix a problem using only the tools at hand, but they will have no idea where the term comes from.

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Those of you with glasses/contacts, take them off and that is how fucked you would have been had you lived in older times.

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My grandkids will know way more about my life than I knew about my grandparents.

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When Bill Gates sits down in a café, it's average customer instantly becomes a billionaire.

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Heroes are always reluctant... Villians are always ambitious

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The farthest place that humans have traveled to, the moon, is still visible to the naked eye.

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There needs to be a fire detector that turns off when you yell "I'm just cooking".

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Reddit is the only website where I care more about hiding my username than my password.

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When I was a teenager I thought everything was a waste of time, except when I was actually wasting time.

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Being a redditor feels like being a time-traveller, All the famous posts that I've already seen weeks back are now showing up on my Facebook newsfeed.

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If my wish that my son becomes Batman ever comes true, I won't be around to see it happen.

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If my shower had a toilet inside it, I would get unimaginable amounts of creative thought done while sitting there.

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It's so weird knowing that there are 7 billion people with a life and conscious as vivid and as complex as my own.

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Americans spilled something the British loved in to the harbor. Then BP did the same to us.

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The female equivalent of Viagra should be called 'Niagara"

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Gray hair is just your hair printer running out of ink.

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Johnny Cash would have been a good name for a rapper.

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When I die, I want my remains scattered over Disneyland. Also, I don't want to be cremated...

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Dogs are like the drunk extroverts at a party and cats are like the stoner introverts who are lounging around wishing the dogs would just shut up for a minute.

Let the dogs out in the back yard whilst our two cats were lounging on the porch enjoying the peaceful quiet of the afternoon; our dogs immediately began barking at the neighbors dogs and causing a ruckus, tearing the zen-like silence asunder in a matter of seconds. The cats looked up from where they were laying like "dude..."



You can jerk off to stop feeling horny, but you can't jerk off to stop feeling lonely.

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Perhaps jokes that humans find funny and jokes that crickets find funny are mutually exclusive.

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People get embarrassed when buying condoms which prevent diseases but are okay with buying cigarettes which cause diseases.

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Saturday, September 26, 2015

I'm sitting here, drinking my 6th beer, about to hop in the shower. Heading to my sisters birthday party afterwards, where my nieces and nephew will be. I just realized I'm the drunk uncle of the family.

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Facebook has to be the greenest app because 99% of it is recycled content.

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A reality show in which CEOs have to live off their lowest paid employee's salary for a month.

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People say that if you avert your eyes when you talk, you're most likely lying. I now look at someone straight in the eye when I lie more often than when I tell the truth.

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TL/DR should be at the top instead of the bottom because people who read it aren't going to read the rest of the post anyway

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I bet when the Pope is in a room where someone sneezes, everyone looks at him expectantly.

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The plagiarism section of the class syllabus is the same for every class... almost like it was copied and then pasted there...

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Of 7 billion, I am my dog's favorite person on the planet.

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Why is it people often ask, "where will I go when I die," but rarely ask, "where was I before I was born"?

credit to /u/waveform for the aha-moment. here



High IQ can result in the ability to create brilliant justifications for doing terribly stupid things.

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I'm so old, my handheld games were filled with water :-/

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Every country has an Independence Day except Britain because they were the ones everybody was seeking independence from

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Lab rats have better access to medicine than most humans.

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If paying women for sex is illegal but paying them to be in porn isn't, shouldn't prostitutes just list themselves as adult film actors and get paid for doing "rehearsals"?

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The best part of being a double-agent is that no matter which side wins, you were working for them all along.

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Every time I've seen a spider in my house, I attack it, it doesn't attack me.

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When my grandma says "This is my jam," she means something very different than the girls at the club.

Her version is always delicious though.



if you look at the ground you have a 1:1 map of Earth

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Anyone who smokes can take multiple breaks in the work day to feed their addiction, but if I play ONE game of Hearthstone...

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nothing makes sense, pizzas are round, the boxes we put them in are square and we eat them as triangles

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I've insulted my best friends more than I've insulted my worst enemies.

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McDonald's needs to add an item to their menu and call it chicken and waffles. It would be a chicken patty with McGriddle buns.

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Does "do not touch" exist in Braille?

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Amazon Prime sounds like the leader of a badass race of forest dwelling robots

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If I'm naked but I stick my head thru the curtains am I just wearing an entire house as my clothes.

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Batman isn't a great detective because of his skills, he's a great detective because he doesn't have to go through legal procedures a police detective would have to

You know, skips the bureaucracy and all that shit.



CPR is the human version of blowing into a video game cartridge hoping it'll work again.

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Friday, September 25, 2015

The file extension for a 3D printable object should be .irl

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Forget a dislike button, Facebook needs a "this article/picture is fake" button.

Or maybe it is just me who is bothered by all the stuff people share without ever thinking twice about its legitimacy.



The Simpsons has been mediocre for longer than its been genius.

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"Chewing" and "eating" are very similar things, but "getting chewed out" and "getting eaten out" are very different.

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If we legalize marijuana around the world, we will enter the Dank Age.

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In professional poker, is Botox considered a performance enhancing drug?

Professional poker players seem to have a frozen appearance and wear sunglasses hats etc. Would Botox take it to the next level?



We bake cookies and cook bacon.

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Ahmed made a bomb that blew up the internet.

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"Pay to win" gaming isn't new. In the 80s it was called "Insert coin(s) to continue"

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Most people die with a negative K/D.

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10 Things I Hate About You sounds like a movie that would be produced by BuzzFeed

You won't believe number 7!



Birthday sex is celebrating exiting a vagina by entering one.

Also it's my birthday today



The plagiarism section of the syllabus is the same for every class, as if it was copied and pasted.

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A "wrap" is what you get when you ruin a burrito with healthy shit.

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Instead of the war on drugs, I think it's about time for the war on drug companies.

In light of recent news...WTF?



While asleep, our brains are capable of assembling complex narratives set in fantastical worlds; populating them with beings and structures, all perfectly animated and rendered... While awake, we're lucky if we can draw a decent stick figure.

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Peter Parker built a career out of taking selfies.

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It's weird how much the Charmin bears love wiping their ass.

It's all they do, really.



Computers should allow an alternative password that unlocks your computer but also closes all open windows.

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A group of squid should be called a squad.

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Old music sounds better than today's music because nobody remembers the shitty ones.

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Tell a girl you love her on the first date and it's super creepy. Tell your wife that you loved her on the first date and it's super romantic.

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Thursday, September 24, 2015

If people are going to start being fined for smoking in the car with kids, we should start fining mothers who smoke with kids in their stomach.

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I bet ventriloquists can respond perfectly when the dentist ask them questions while cleaning their teeth

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Dane Cook is the Nickelback of stand-up comedians.

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Those of us born before 2000 are all going to sound so old to future kids.

When you see someone was born in 1912 you say "wow thats old", but when you see 1887 it seems much older, right?

So we will of been born in 1980-something, when its 2025 I feel like 45 will seem older because when asked "what year were you born in?" And you dont say 20-- you say 19-- it'll feel like more?

Does that make sense?



If alcohol and tobacco were discovered today they would probably be made illegal.

Probably schedule II drugs, or maybe even schedule I.



Chicken broth is just meat tea

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When self driving cars are common place, in conjunction with the prevalence of smart phones, Google will be able to kill anyone, anywhere, while making it look like an accident.

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For Anakin Skywalker's entire life he had to call someone a master right up until he died

Born into slavery, freed but now a jedi padawan he still has to call obi wan and others a master (not the same thing as a slave but the title still implies a degree authority). Then after he becomes darth vader he has to call Darth Sidious his master.



We all know there is a secret service, which means there isn't a secret service.

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The difference between a Million and a Billion is almost a Billion.

It's 99.9% of the way there



If I were a cop, I'd drive an unmarked car with a "honk if you're drunk" bumper sticker.

Also someone needs to start selling said bumper stickers.



Security cameras are a scarecrow for humans

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I've never been told when to do my taxes. Or how. Or why. Or even what taxes are. But if I get it wrong, I go to jail.

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I wonder if prostitutes tell their clients "It's been a business doing pleasure with you."

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When I was a kid I used to wake up early to watch cartoons, as an adult I stay up late watching cartoons

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Kids nowadays who stay home from school when they're sick will never know the struggles of having to watch daytime television.

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Dollar bills don't have dollar signs on them.

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I can go East or West forever, but if I go North I will eventually go South.

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If there's a Reddit in the afterlife, I bet the TIFU would be a good read.

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Being ugly is cool, because then you know people like you for your personality

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Five to ten years ago, custom cell phone rings were all the rage. Today, everyone I know either uses the stock ringtone or keeps it on vibrate.

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TED Talks are like church services for people who believe in science.

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Wednesday, September 23, 2015

I spend more time staring at my speedometer to make sure I'm not speeding in a school zone than actually watching for children in the street

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Public school is doing a great job of preparing kids for real life by showing them what it's like to work for a poorly managed company.

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Martin Shkreli was probably planning a price bump to $18 all along, he just knew any price increase would be met with outrage. Bump the price to $750, get a ton of free publicity, "drop the price" back down to $18, and convince people the $5 price bump per pill is actually reasonable.

He's a dick.



Blind people could use a glue stick as a higlighter.

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My Grandma used to send me newspaper clippings of cute animal pictures. She was doing /r/aww before reddit existed.

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Maybe I've always felt pain 100 times worse than everyone else, I'm just unknowingly the world's toughest badass.

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If I replaced my shoelaces with Apple earphones, I'd never have to worry about them coming undone ever again.

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Energy drinks and caffeine are basically just stamina potions

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Santa Claus goes down chimneys. Claustrophobia is being afraid of enclosed spaces

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Losing weight is a problem you can run away from

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As a bad speller, my goal is usually just to be close enough that the correct spelling appears in the suggestions.

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You are still "it" from a game of tag you played several years ago.

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When I was young, falling in love was easy. Getting laid was not. Now that I'm older, getting laid is easy, finding love appears to be damn right impossible.

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Pixar should make a movie titled "Holy Cow," about a determined beef cow's perilous journey as it flees a Texas ranch for asylum in India.

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Websites that have asinine requirements for your profile's password (e.g. lowercase letter, uppercase letter, number, symbol, color, taste, etc) should give you the choice to opt out and let you use the password you want. I'm just not that worried about my pizza account being hacked.

....or my library account!



The greatest criminals in history are the ones you have never heard of

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Giving friends Snickers bars when they are being little bitches is positive reinforcement for bad behaviour

Even mice understand this concept



Referees should wear cameras so we see their perspective.

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Being the coolest person on Facebook is like being the healthiest person in the hospital.

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Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Parenting a toddler is like being on suicide watch 12 hours a day. If you take your eyes off them for more than a few seconds, they'll find a way to kill themselves.

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Turning 22 today. It's a lot like being a level 37 Charizard. Who fucking cares.

First of many birthdays that mean nothing.



As a white male, the term "diversity" doesn't include me.

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People who skip church to watch football probably do more praying than they would have in church anyway.

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Meth cooks need to stop making Meth, and start making that 750$ AIDS pill.

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Suppose that someone duplicated me, creating an exact copy of myself that also has the exact same memories and experiences that I have. If that duplicate sat next to me right after it was created, would we be able to have an interesting conversation, or would we completely bore each other?

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Certain women won't date a guy who lives with his mom, but will date a guy who lives with his wife.

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If a gif is open in another tab, and there is no one there to watch it, does it move?

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All humans want is an excuse to be silly. Children act silly because they don't need an excuse yet. Young adults use alcohol as an excuse to be silly. Parents use their children as an excuse to be silly. And then old people just use being old as an excuse to be silly.

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Drugs are like cheat codes for real life, they make the game more fun for a little while, but stop you from getting achievements.

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Telling teenage boys that marijuana kills sperm is the single least effective anti-marijuana statement one could make.

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Drinking alcohol makes you think you're much more interesting than you are. Smoking marijuana makes you think everything else is much more interesting than it is.

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If I could persuade people as well as my early-morning brain persuades me to go back to sleep, I could get anything I ever wanted.

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Reddit is like commenting in a movie theatre. If it's really funny, everyone laughs. If it's anything less than that, people yell and get angry with you

At least in reddit they can't throw things at you



I own a dog so I can talk to myself.

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Dear Caps Lock, Never have I ever wanted to type "sEPTEMBER"

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The reason why Mickey Mouse has a pet dog (Pluto) is to keep cats away

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If I played video games for 7 hours straight, people would think I'm a loser with too much time on my hands. If I watched Netflix for 7 hours straight, people would think I didn't have to do anything today.

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We wake up after we die in a dream because we don't know what comes after death.

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If you tried to forget something, and were successful, you'd never know.

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Monday, September 21, 2015

Life begins as a whole bunch of firsts, and slowly, without our knowledge, becomes a whole bunch of lasts

Your first time eating a certain food, your first time going to high school, your first time seeing your mom; eventually, and without our knowledge, these turn into your last time doing all of these things



Humans are the metaphorical 1% of the animal kingdom controlling the habitat and resources while many species are in poverty or are becoming extinct.

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Most people can eat the same breakfast, weeks in a row without a complaint. But the same dinner 2 days in a row? That's not allowed.

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If my driver's license expires, shouldn't it still be valid to use as an ID? It's not like I all-of-the-sudden stopped being me.

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Gym Machines should have high scores

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If you were able to turn invisible, it would be impossible to see correctly because light is would be hitting both sides of your retina.

Sorry for the title gore, should have been "because light would be hitting".



It's really fucked up that nobody volunteered for Rue in the Hunger Games.

Clearly volunteering is allowed, so why did nobody volunteer for Rue like Katniss did her sister?



Companies like Netflix need packages made for hotels, they would make a lot of money, and people who don't have Netflix will have a chance to try it out when they travel.

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Why can't I just type an amount of money into Amazon and it give me back random items within that price?

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Perfect crimes could happen all the time and nobody would really know.

Cause they're perfect.



I consider the redditors that live in opposite time zones of me to be the night shift of reddit that always prepares content for me when I wake up.

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According to the mac & cheese box, I am a family of 4

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Credit cards should have our e-mail addresses tied to them so that we can get receipts e-mailed to us and instantly be aware of fraud.

Edit 1: It would also make it easier to keep track of your expenses.

Edit 2: Apparently this already exist. Maybe I need to look into it at my bank. I can go online and view my transactions, but typically there is a lag. I can also only view the name of the transaction and the amount. Being sent an actual receipt could be a lot more useful because it would provide an easy way to return a purchase and it would allow me to see what was the money was actually spent on.



Someone should make a racing game with Google street view so you could drive wherever you want

Wouldn't even have to race. Virtual driving in real cities would be kinda fun



The year 2024 is closer than 2005.

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What if the reason there are no witches, vampires and werewolves is because the "witch trials" in the 17th century actually worked?

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Your future self is watching you right now through memories.

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All our alien theories involve kidnaping, because that's exactly what we would be doing if we found life outside earth.

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BMW could save money by not installing turn indicators, and nobody would notice.

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Jesus had to move back in with his dad at age 33.

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"Why can't poor people just get a better job?" is today's equivalent of "Let them eat cake".

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Sunday, September 20, 2015

I think we can all agree that Neil Armstrong, the first person to walk on the Moon, was not a werewolf.

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The word 'shy' should be banned from gonewild.

It seems like almost every single GW post has "im shy" in the title. If you are really that shy, you wouldn't be posting your ass hole to the internet.

GoneMild I can kinda understand.



They call it a Beaver (vagina) because it eats Wood (penis)

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The "twen" in twenty is just two and ten combined.

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If I were a robber in Gotham City, I would wait until there were clear skies so the bat-signal had no clouds to be seen on.

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The purpose of a lollipop is to create flavoured saliva

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I have never put a suit in a suitcase

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Our black president lives in gov housing..

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The more attractive you are, the less likely you are to be corrected when you're wrong. No wonder super hot people say such dumb stuff.

Correcting people you want to sleep with doesn't seem like a very good strategy.

Also, shoutout to all the unattatractive people who didn't get enough attention in learning environments, due to being unattractive.

We can all find a path to our own personal idiocy.



The Sistine Chapel is just a really big piece of Bible Fanart

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I'm not addicted to my phone. I'm not addicted to Reddit. I'm addicted to reading.

Why should that be a probkem?



When I die I'll donate my body science so I can get into med school

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There's a place in London with £9.00 coffee. My t-shirt cost £6. If I spilt some on my t-shirt I'd be annoyed that I'd got t-shirt on my coffee

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Scissors are the hardest things to steal because you can't run away with them

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My parents spent the first 18 years of life trying to prevent me from having sex and now that I'm over 30 they want me to have as much sex as I can because those selfish bastards want grandkids.

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A spoon is just a bowl that fits in your mouth

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How has r/goldenshowers not been renamed r/kelly?

How has r/goldenshowers not been renamed r/kelly?



if we found out that pollution was negatively affecting internet speed, the air would get so clean so fast

can you imagine?



Knowing when to keep your mouth shut is easily one of the greatest and most underrated skills any human being can learn during their lifetime.

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NSFW means nothing to the unemployed

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If a minor goes to a store and accidentally breaks a bottle of alcohol they can't pay for it

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I rarely need to comment on reddit because the hive mind usually expresses my thoughts for me

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I really miss snapping my flip-phone shut

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Saturday, September 19, 2015

4chan showed how dumb people can be when they're anonymous, Facebook showed how dumb people can be when their identity is completely public

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If humans had invented refrigeration early on, our food would be extremely bland with no cheeses, cured meats, pickled veggies, smoked fish, sweet jams, etc.

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If you adopt a house pet that is blind, you should name it "Roomba".

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Viagra is like caps lock for your dick.

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I always read the TL;DR, even after I read the whole submission.

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/r/UnexpectedCena is actually the opposite of what it says. If you watch a video on that sub, you know for sure that John Cena will be in it.

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It should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife in Paintball

Or maybe one of those gratify markers... Could you imagine? sneaking behind someone and yell, Picasso Motha F!



If you ask people what 'idk' means, everyone will give the correct answer

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For-profit prisons should be paid based on whether the inmates get reformed. They should have to house repeat offenders for free.

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I wish I could be as picky about women in real life as I am with women in porn

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I am First World Poor. I use my laptop or smartphone to log into my bank account to see I have no money.

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John Cena is the new Rick Astley.

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The universe is expanding. So for every minute we delay going to the stars, our descendants will spend years and years travelling through extra empty space.

Getting to space is literally a race.



Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is reading this exactly the same time you are and coming to the exact same realization that someone else is doing so.

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What if dogs return the ball/frisbee because they are impressed with our ability to throw objects and just want to see it over and over again.

Their smiling faces just say "Wow, do that again!" "How does he do that?"



You spend your entire childhood being told not to talk to strangers but as an adult its one of the most important things you have to do.

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"Shit" is the only word that becomes its own antonym when it follows the word "the."

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Did paper planes exist before real ones? What were they called?

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If you are a security guard at a Samsung store, you are literally a guardian of the galaxy.

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Trump supporters should be called "Trumpets"

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If we all stop paying for Internet, companies would give it to us for free because of the loss in profits. Amazon, E-bay, Facebook, Google,

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My 4yr old daughter this morning: "You know what's weird? I can't see my eyes, but I can see yours."

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Friday, September 18, 2015

Comedians are just really charismatic complainers.

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I wish I could see a woman that I know is equally as attractive as I am so I know how attractive I am to the opposite sex

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More criminals in Gotham should have made sure the first step in their plan was to have someone break the bat signal.

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Gohan is the only cartoon character I've ever seen born, mature, grow old, get married and have kids.

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If last names were thought up today, boobsmith would be a good name for plastic surgeons.

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Attractiveness is the sole difference between being "dark and mysterious" or "that weird guy in the corner that doesn't talk much".

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A chicken bouillon cube is literally a cock block

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Hugh Laurie has played House longer then the time it would take for him to actually become a doctor.

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I've always thought of Yoshi as a male, but Yoshi lays eggs.

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I wish my tongue were abrasive enough to clean my teeth.

I hate brushing :(



I always assume that large dogs are male.

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If the girls who post on r/gonewild saw pictures of the guys who were commenting on their photos, they probably wouldn't feel the same level of validation anymore.

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If a linkin park song plays in the forest and there's no one around to hear it, in the end, does it even matter?

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The police probably have the largest collection of child pornography

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If wishes can't travel faster than the speed of light then anyone who has ever wished upon a star will be long dead before their wish gets to that star and comes back.

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A clock basically high fives itself every hour

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Losing 20 pounds in the US is way better than in the UK

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If I could tell younger me about how older me thinks the world works, I would probably brush it off as a stupid old mans talk.

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If we taught basic cinematography in schools, cop videos and amatuer porn would be 1000% better.

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What if the Indiana Jones movies are just the dreams of Han Solo while he's frozen in carbonite.

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Spotify should have a "Not in the mood" button that doesn't delete a song but doesn't prioritize it for a day or so.

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If porn is bad for boys because it does not accurately reflect women, then romcoms are bad for women because they do not accurately reflect men.

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Sometimes I wish I had a throwaway life so I could do the things I wouldn't do in my normal life.

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Future humans will likely say, "people used to think vaccines caused autism" in a fashion similar to "people used to think the earth was flat."

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Reddit can rename the "share" button to "spreddit", "delete" button to "shreddit" and karma to "creddit". Yet it has not. I don't geddit.

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Thursday, September 17, 2015

If peoples' license plate numbers were their phone numbers, everyone would be a way better driver

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The kids in Magic School Bus knew their bus could violate all the laws of science. Why were they always so psyched to learn about the laws of science?

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When two men get married do they go to the same bachelor party?

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There is no subreddit for new parents because the name r/nosleep was already taken.

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Some billionaire should give all their money to charity, start over, and call it prestiging.

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I drive a 71 beetle. All day long people get punched, because of me.

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Walking inside a Nike store would be the worst place to contemplate suicide.

Just do it



If the FBI, CIA, and NSA tracks people by the key words that they post, they must be having a hell of a time tracking everyone talking about Ahmed and his clock/bomb.

Lol.



Mobile Porn sites should make all buttons big enough to click with your nose.

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If all the billions of insects and animals cooperated to fearlessly attack humans at the same time, we'd be extinct within 48 hours.

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The apple in the Apple logo must not have been very good if someone only took 1 bite out of it.

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If I was in a coma right now and everything was a figment of my imagination that means I came up with every idea in existence. Basically I'm a genius.

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Today, as I go off to work, I'm cosplaying a responsible adult who doesn't get baked as shit every night.

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A cell phone doesn't seem that heavy till you drop it on your face while laying down.

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The Rock that will become your Tomb Stone already exists.

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Ahmed Mohamed is the Arabic equivalent of Ronald McDonald when it comes to catchy rhyming names

Say it.

AH-med mo-HA-med

AH-med mo-HA-med

Say it!!!



Saying that all Muslims are terrorists is like saying all Christians are KKK members

Just saying.



The last man to live won't have a proper funeral.

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Sad, lonely people are imagined as living with cats because you can't be lonely living with dogs.

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That fly that landed on my food could've began as a maggot on a corpse and that makes me uncomfortable.

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Wednesday, September 16, 2015

What if the rapture happened already, but no one even realized it because only like 15 people were taken

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Door to door salespeople are just real life popup ads.

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I'm from California and I can't take a long enough shower to have shower thoughts

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Today, Hannah Montana would be Miley Cyrus' mild-mannered alter ego.

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Because of the internet, Ahmed Mohamed actually blew up.

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The first few times I saw “#Kanye2020”, I thought “#Kony2012” had evolved like a Pokemon.

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we'll probably see a TIL in ten years time that reads "TIL that the famous prodigy inventor Ahmed was once arrested for bringing a home-made clock to school. Police thought it was a bomb."

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If giraffes would be predators, they would probably be one of the most terrifying creatures

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There should be a hair salon for introverts where all the stylists are comfortable with silence.

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Every item I have was made with some tool, which was made with an older tool, which was made with an older one still—all the way back to someone banging two rocks together.

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Old people don't drive slow. Slow drivers live to be old people.

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I wonder how many times I caught a disease I already had a vaccine for.

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Man buns are the mullets of today.

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All 14-year-olds with an interest in engineering should bring home-made clocks to school tomorrow morning.

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I always wonder when I give directions to a stranger, if they find the place Or if they are sitting in their car lost and mad screaming "what in the hell was he talking about".

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The antonym of synonym is antonym, but synonym has no synonym

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If I had a Zimbabwe dollar for every time someone said "If I had a dollar", I probably still wouldn't have a dollar.

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I want an Explain Like I'm High (ELIH) so I can know the answers to life's mysteries.

...and why waffles make me cry or why my toes are fascinating.



The sentence, "We need to talk." is the most anxiety-inducing 4 word sentence in existence.

Nobody ever gets any happy thoughts when these words are spewed from somebody's mouth. They are very stressful when coming from a woman, especially.



I only just realised Bill from Pokemon who invented the PC is a reference to Bill Gates.

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Technically, Everything on Reddit is NSFW as you probably shouldn't be on Reddit at Work.

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i have never seen a blind person reading a public braille sign

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Being summoned via Ouija boards is the jury duty of the afterlife.

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There are dogs that understand more Spanish than me.

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Tuesday, September 15, 2015

For Halloween I'll dress as J Jonah Jameson and every time I see a Spider-Man I'll yell "PARKER. WHERE ARE YOU? TAKE A PICTURE!"

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Kid Rock should change his name to Adult Country.

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Hindus revere cows as being sacred. The rest of the world kills and eats cows on an enormous scale. No holy war waged, props to them...

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Fire Trucks should really be called Water Trucks

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In the movie Osmosis Jones, they should've had a hip hop Irish man named Homie O'Stasis

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The hardest one-syllable word to say out loud is "sixths"

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You know, you don't really need a jump rope to preform the exercise you would do with a jump rope.

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If you kill a killer, the number of killers in the world remains the same.

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Whenever I hear the word "Egyptians" I never think of it referring to the people who currently live in Egypt.

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Being single and on the "Market", I am finding out that the market is flooded with defectives, recalls and safety concerns.

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It just dawned on me, Ray-Ban is not just a name. It's about banning sunrays.

Im 23 years old, and it just never occured to me. English is not my first language though.



Kim Jong-Un might actually be the fattest guy in North Korea.

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The speed in which a woman says "Nothing", when asked "What's Wrong?", is inversely proportionate to the severity of the shit-storm coming.

I've tested this theory before and my findings state this is very true.



"Killing Time" is actually Time Killing You

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Maybe really rich and "successful" people tend to be miserable because that feel like they've "beat the game," and now life is just a bunch of side quests.

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If torrent downloaders accused of piracy were judged by a jury of their peers, nobody would be declared guilty.

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If Kirby grew a beard it would also be his pubes.

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Nintendo should add a 'target practice' mode to the next Mario Kart where you can practice aiming green shells

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The Truman Show Complete Series would definitely be the most expensive and longest DVD box set ever sold.

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behind every girls selfie is approximately 48 nearly identical photos that just didn’t cut it.

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Monday, September 14, 2015

There should be a show called Finding People Finding Bigfoot. The premise of the show would be to dress up as Bigfoot and walk around the woods trying to get the investigators from the other show to find you.

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If you think about it, kidney stones are like human pearls

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The human body is really quiet for everything it does.

Or any living thing really



Demetri Martin's stand up routine has to be the best collection of shower thoughts ever assembled.

The more I hear his jokes, I feel like versions of them have already been posted here before.



As most people are buried in suits, the zombie apocalypse would be a rather formal affair.

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Telling my parents "I finished all my food" has two very different implications between being a child and being a college student.

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It's kinda scary the fact that doctors call what they do "practice".

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Americans use the Metric system when buying drugs because asking for a teaspoon of heroin is just embarrassing.

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TV screens went from being curved, to flat, to curved the other way.

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There are millions upon millions of plants growing across the globe that were planted by their seeds being carried by wind and animals, in the some of the harshest conditions...and I can't grow a f---ing tomato plant in a pot with special soil and instructions how to do so.

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I'm more careful with video game currency than I am with actual currency.

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If Jeb wins the GOP nomination and makes Cheney his side man, their slogan can be "same dick, new bush"

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A mixed bowl of M&Ms, Skittles, and Reese's Pieces at a Halloween party would be a trick and a treat.

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I'm pretty sure humans have the most complicated mating ritual of all animals

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Having a pet is the best example of Stockholm Syndrome in action.

You get a puppy(kitten/etc), it cries for a few days wondering where it's parents are. You Feed and care for it. Then at some point it depends on you and forgets it has parents. Well done ya kidnapping bastard



Reading is just staring at a dead piece of wood for hours and hallucinating.

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Every time someone screams "We're all gonna die!", they're totally correct.

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Amusement parks should discount your ticket based on how many rides are closed for maintenance.

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Each "Wet paint" sign put up gradually turns into a lie.

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The person who invented the shower had shower thoughts before the shower even existed.

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Wouldn't it be great if child's toy vacuum cleaner actually cleaned the floor?

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Every time I see a post about ISS astronauts, I "oh shit" as I think the extremists have made it to space.

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When I die, I don't want my life to flash before my eyes, I want a CinemaSins-style video complete with Jeremy narrating.

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What if, in thousands of years, "alien" becomes a derogatory word to describe inhabitants of other planets? And our descendants become disgusted at our rampant use of the word.

Like, bro?



I treat my body in a way that proves I have 100% confidence in medical science being able to fix ANY medical problem by the time I'm 50.

Well, I'm holding thumbs!

Edit: It may be interesting to note that I posted this whilst in the Doc's waiting room!



When a bald person washes their face, how far up do they go?

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There should be a porn star named Dwayne "The Cock" Johnson

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Snapchat should have a NSFW tag you can check so you don't open nudes in public

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Why aren't there washing machines and dishwashers that you can pour a gallon of detergent into and they automatically add it to loads?

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Sunday, September 13, 2015

100% of all prophets that have ever predicted doomsday have so far been wrong.

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There needs to be a word for "The inability to shake a feeling or emotion brought upon by a dream, even though you know it was just a dream"

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I've never seen a new bowling alley.

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What if "crazy" folks who talk to people that aren't there, are simply breaking the 4th wall and speaking to an audience?

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It is such a relief when that guitar kicks in and you know it's going to be Under Pressure and not Ice Ice Baby.

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The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand, we listen to reply.

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If McDonald's "forgot" a $.50 piece of extra cheese 10 times a day at each of their 36,000 locations, that wasn't disputed, then they steal 60+ million dollars a year.

Edit: real math

Xtra cheese cost: $.25 to $.35 (average $.30) @ $.30 per golden square X 10 X 365 X 36,000

$39,420,000 per year grossly underestimated because you know it happens more than 10 times a day. Sometimes they leave out whole burgers.

Edit 2: If they didn't forget the cheese, they still gain $.29 of the $.30 cents but those $.29 aren't stolen. That's just the cost. As soon as my $.30 gets paid for an item I didn't receive then 100% of that $.30 is stolen.

People don't seem to understand so here it goes: if I took them to a court that would make a case ofer the $.30 piece of cheese, and I could prove that they charged me $.30 for a piece of cheese that they never gave me, then the court would make them pay me back the $.30. The whole $.30 is stolen.



I'm 32 and it's likely I could still be lured into stranger danger by puppies and candy.

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I wonder how many times a bird caller thought they were calling to a bird, but we're actually calling to another bird caller.

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People would quit doing most of the dumb stuff with their bodies if they had HP bar they could see like in video games.

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Have you noticed how guys always shake their gas pistol when they are finished and women don't?

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If super heroes were real, I doubt they'd spend as much time in 1st World Countries, like they do in the comics.

With all the corruption, war lords, and genocide, 3rd World Countries typically need a bit more help than the States do because of the Occupy Wall Street movement.



The only time you ever see a condom used in a sex scene in a film is if it's a comedy.

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When texting your crush the only difference between being flirty and being creepy is if she likes you

When texting your crush the only difference between being flirty and being creepy is if she likes you



Now that I have kids I realize when my mom said "you've had juice all week, we're just gonna have water today." It's because we were too poor to get juice till the next paycheck.

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There should be a website or app thats almost like a dating one, but for people looking for a best friend

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Saying you're on Tinder to "find friends" is like saying you're going to a crackhouse to buy aspirin.

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If a billionaire gives you 0.1% of his money, you become a millionare

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There's a lot of social pressure to "rescue" a shelter pet instead of going to a breeder, but none to adopt a kid in foster care instead of making a new one.

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A relationship is like a DLC for life. It adds a ton of extra content, and a new storyline, but it usually involves spending a lot of money.

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Saturday, September 12, 2015

Socializing is like going to the gym for me. I know it's good for me and once I'm doing it, I actually enjoy it, but I will try every excuse in the book to avoid it.

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When I was younger, I thought 21 year olds were so old and had their life together. Now that I'm older, I think 21 year olds are just big children who still are lost in life.

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"Get off my lawn" is a baby boomer trope because they were the last generation that had a decent chance of owning one

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Your life is like a play. Your eyelids are the curtains. Sleep is intermission. And you are the audience.

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There's probably a number between 1 and 1,000 that I've never said before.

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Sheepdogs are a thing. We've literally bred and trained wolves to guard prey animals.

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When someone says "you clean up nice," it means they didn't want to have sex with you before, but now they do.

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What if Westboro Baptist Church was actually secretly a group of super tolerant activists who staged outrageous protests to draw public attention to the causes they care about, while simultaneously creating a mockery of fundamental Christianity.

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Why do storm troopers wear that cumbersome looking armor if all it takes is one shot from a blaster to kill them anyway?

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To fish, fisherman must be like how we conceive aliens. They abduct them out of their home and some come back, some don't.

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The NSFW tag for showerthoughts is essentially useless

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Televangelists who claim to have healing powers or cure diseases should be prevented from using the healthcare system and be forced to rely on their own powers.

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As a 30 year old, 50 year old people don't look as old as I imagined when I was a child.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger should sponsor a blood drive with the slogan, "Come with me if you want to give."

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Imagine if it had been Snapchat instead of Ashley Madison and all the pictures people thought were being deleted get shared with the world

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Before the invention of the telephone, the phrase "where are you" meant nothing

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It's illegal for members of the public to impersonate on-duty police officers, but not illegal for on-duty police officers to impersonate members of the public.

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If I legally changed my name to "Most People," I could make accurate sweeping generalizations when talking in the third person.

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I don't regret burning my bridges. I regret that some people weren't on those bridges when I burnt them.

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The fact that I just jerked off to a porn scene I first jerked off to over 10 years ago gives me hope that I'm gonna be able to make a marriage work.

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People who have enough money to retire tend not to know how to fill their time without work. People who know how to fill their time without work, tend not to have enough money to retire.

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The more I browse sites like Tumblr, Reddit, and 4chan, the more I realize we live in an age where everyone is almost either offended by everything, or offended by nothing.

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Friday, September 11, 2015

There are literally people on NSFW sub reddits that suck dick for karma.

I'm not one of them



Since dogs don't understand language, when I sit and read a book for hours, they probably think we are just super entertained by turning the pages.

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My wife is pregnant with twin boys. Tonight she'll have 3 dicks in her

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The Onion should add a fake comments section to their articles.

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From the dinosaurs perspective, we live in a post-apocalyptic world.

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People who are afraid of the dark could just say they're afraid of their imaginations.

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Me wrapping a dead cockroach in a paper towel, tossing it in the bin with all of my food scraps, then sealing the garbage bag is like giving the roach an ancient Egyptian burial in its perspective.

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I have never, in over 4 decades of life and probably hundreds of attempts, actually opened a box of Kraft Mac and Cheese by the little thumb tab they put there without just shredding the box flaps on top.

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In a single lifetime, George Takei has gone from being sent to an internment camp for being Japanese, to being able to marry his gay lover

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I miss the days when bottle caps told you explicitly if you were a winner or not.

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Kids in the future will think the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center spawned the idea/creation of "dial 911 for emergency".

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As a kid, I was careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I'm careful not to curse around kids.

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If I marry a girl I meet on tinder, there's a good chance that the first time I saw my wife was when I was taking a dump.

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People use "like a boss" to signify something done well, but all the bosses I've worked for have been idiots.

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Waldo's mom must be worried sick.

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If OJ Simpson Hadn't screwed up we wouldn't be having all this Kardashian shit

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Every time I hear a "XX walks into a bar" joke, I always picture an old Western bar.

Always have, always will.



Cancer Researchers are working day and night to put themselves out of a job.

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The dude who named the 9th iteration of Windows "Windows 10" is probably the same guy who named the 3rd iteration of Xbox "Xbox one."

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If you don't think that at a past point in your life you were a massive idiot, then you're probably still a massive idiot.

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Thursday, September 10, 2015

A girl saying "I want to have a baby" is ironically the best form of birth control for me.

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Jack really dodged a bullet by not eating those beans.

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Oral sex probably got more popular after soap was discovered.

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Getting a job at Apple means you are doing really well if you live in America and really bad if you live in China.

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Standing balls deep in water changes based on the temperature.

The colder the water, the deeper you need to get to be balls deep.



The only interaction you'll have with some people is screaming "FUCK YOU" at them as they cut you off on the highway, never to see you again

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As a child I got excited when I found a dollar on the ground. Now, as a grown man with a full time job, I still get excited finding a dollar.

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Somewhere, a bald man must have gone to a job interview unknowingly cosplaying Agent 47.

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I enjoy sleeping without clothes on but I don't due to being afraid someone will break into my house and I will have to fight them naked.

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If we could switch bodies like in Freaky Friday, I bet doctors would have a lot easier time diagnosing things.

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They should just start using liquid soap in jails.

Actual shower thought that sparked when I dropped my soap.



I want to throw a party where everyone dresses in coveralls, wears big headlamps and smears soot on their faces. Then someone will call the cops and reports a party with "a bunch of miners drinking alcohol."

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If you die a virgin, you're the first person in your direct ancestral lineage to die a virgin.

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Isn't it weird that we don't see more dead people just out on the sidewalk or in a store? I see hundreds of people a day. You'd think some of them would drop dead in front of me occasionally.

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Maybe the reason we don't see timetravellers is because humanity doesn't last long enough to invent it.

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Instead of the stupid motion sensors on toilets, have them set to flush as soon as you unlock the stall door

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If you own a samurai sword you are either a highly skilled assassin or a huge nerd.

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I wonder if people in Mexico ever complain about jobs in America stealing all their Mexicans.

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Reddit gold is kind of like sex.. Sure, you can buy it, but it feels better when somebody else gives it to you.

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Based on how little I knew or cared about my great grandparents, my life will be irrelevant in as little as three generations.

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My parents told me about rotary phones. I'll tell my kids about pressing a button three times to text a single letter.

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We should change "Lol" to "Ne" (Nose Exhale) because that's all we really do when we see something funny online.

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Nature valley granola bars are probably branded as "outdoorsy" because that's the only place you can eat them without getting CRUMBS ALL OVER THE F***IN CARPET.

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There's probably several girls that I married while on the swing set in elementary school that I never got a divorce with

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"You're killin me, Smalls!" is an appropriate reaction to somebody who doesn't know what"You're killin me, Smalls!" is from.

I'll admit, it wasn't a shower thought, but a bored at work thought.



Is the Snapchat logo a ghost because the pictures will come back to haunt you?

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Someone is going to be that guy that dies an hour before we discover aliens for the first time.

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Wednesday, September 9, 2015

The Great Wall of China was originally built to keep foreigners out, but now it's what brings foreigners in.

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Someone should throw a Halloween party where everyone dresses like cops so if it ever gets busted, there would just be mass confusion.

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I wonder how many people have 2 accounts so they can give the perfect reply to their own posts

The funny thing is, I honestly haven't replied to this post from another account



The US is the only country that complains about raising minimum wage, getting free health care, and getting paid leave

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Despite everything DARE taught me, not once was I ever offered drugs at school.

EDIT: really should have said "told" not "taught" since DARE really didn't do shit for me



If someone told me they would give me $7.25 to sit and do nothing for an hour i wouldn't take it. yet I work a minimum wage job.

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Wind conditions at my desk have never necessitated a paper weight

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For decades parents told their children to empty their plates so that the sun will shine. Today we have fat kids and global warming.

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The future President of the United States shit his pants today and will definitely need a nap later.

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The average guy watches more men having an orgasm then women having an orgasm.

*than



I brought a gopro to film lots of fun things then realised how boring I am

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To film the movie Free Willy, they had to use captive whales.

Title



If I got in an accident and found out I'm immortal, I'd feel pretty dumb being this careful all these years.

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If someone ever grabs me by the lapels and frantically asks me what the date is, I will be sure to include the year in my answer.

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If you'd asked a random person 200 years ago how they thought people would wipe up after a dump in the future, I bet they'd say something more advanced than us wiping our asses with thin paper.

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I turn 26 today and felt a strange sensation that birthdays are now simply a reality check of how fast time flies.

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Serena Williams and I are still undeafeated this year in tennis grand slam tournaments.

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Next time someone invents something important, name it something that rhymes with orange and put poets out of their misery.

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Children are dicks by default. That's why they get compliments when they behave themselves.

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In highschool I wondered how long people would date until sex. In college I wonder how long people have sex until they date...

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Before video cameras, no one has ever seen themselves blink

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If the pen is mightier than the sword, then how come sticks and stones can break my bones and words will never hurt me?

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"Slang" is the slang term for Colloquial.

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The "You're in good hands" guys, the Mayhem guy, Flo, the Geico Gecko, and the State Farm guy (J.K. Simmons) should team up and do a Superbowl commercial about preventing drunk driving.

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