Monday, November 30, 2015

If Voldemort really wanted to kill Harry Potter on the night that the spell didn't work, he could've just picked him up and thrown him out a window given that Harry was a little baby

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Taylor Swift doesn't think Spotify pays enough, so none of her music is on the service. As a result, I download it illegally for free and listen to it on the Spotify app. I'm still listening to it on Spotify and she is making nothing

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Now that I'm in college, my curfew is whenever my phone runs out of battery.

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Thanks to craft beer, my alcoholism has turned into a "neat hobby"

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Pain is nature's way of saying "don't do that". Painkillers are man's way of saying "Watch me"

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Using energy from a wind farm to power a fan is like shipping wind long distance.

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Cyber Monday is the perfect day to unsubscribe from all unwanted marketing emails because you'll be emailed by every single one of them.

Been doing it all morning.



If a Redditor mentions they have a girlfriend, nobody believes it. If they mention having a wife, nobody questions it.

And yet, one usually progresses from the former to the latter.



The best time to burn down your workplace is right after someone else gets fired.

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No matter how big a number is it is always closer to zero than infinity.

And beyond

Edit: Wow sorry I don't have a major in math lol



I'm more intimidated about posting on Reddit where my identity is private than Facebook where my identity is public.

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The Dalai Lama is so at peace and relaxed because he doesn't have to worry about rent, a depressing job, family drama, where his next meal is coming from and many other day-to-day worries which effect the majority of people on the planet

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I wonder if any children in third world countries receive toys as christmas donations from america and they happen to be the toys they made themselves in a sweat shop.

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If the hardest part of your day is waking up, you've either got a really great life, or a really difficult one.

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“i’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “im telling mom”

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When I buy a band's greatest hits album, I'm basically telling them, "Look, I like you and all, but I think we should just be friends."

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As the nations get fatter, "unskilled" physical jobs will become the skilled jobs since less people can do them.

I always hated "unskilled" when discussing physical labor jobs. How many of you can install an HVAC system, re-sod a kids park, carry things weighing 100+ lbs all day, weld, are physically fit enough to carry garbage all day, chop down and carry away trees, how many of you can literally be on your feet 10 hours a day?
Everyone can type and enter data into a computer. Everyone can plug shit into excel. In the future "unskilled" jobs will be the skilled ones as more and more people are used to office work.



Winter clothes keep me from dying of hypothermia and are very vital to my survival. Summer clothes exist for the sole purpose of covering my junk.

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The only people who see the Anti-Piracy warnings in movies are the ones who made the purchase.

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If we were eyeless we'd be unaware of colour. What if we're missing some part of reality because we don't have the organ to detect it?

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Sunday, November 29, 2015

If I were homeless, I'd panhandle outside a church with a sign that says, "put your money where your mouth is."

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If I shout out "GOD IS GREAT!" right now on this packed subway I may get some strange looks. If I shout out "GOD IS GREAT!" in Arabic however I may cause a panic and get arrested.

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Everyone who thinks they're the Jim Halpert of their office is usually the Andy Bernard.

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Gin & Tonic is proof that two wrongs do, in fact, make a right.

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I'm illiterate in every language except one.

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If skyler wasn't a smoker, Walt jr would be able to walk and talk properly. And Walt wouldn't have lung cancer in the first place (from the second hand smoke). She caused it all.

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You can get teenagers to do any dumb thing nowadays, by simply adding challenge to the dumb thing.

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I should start a Chik-Fila black market operating only on Sundays

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I'm a slow reader, but I can watch a movie as fast as anyone.

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If somebody died doing the condom water challenge because they couldn't pop it, it would technically be a good advertising campaign for the condom company.

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If Elmer Fudd spent all of his time trying to rape Bugs Bunny, it would be horrific. But since he's trying to murder him, it's OK.

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My Mom used to yell at me for playing video games. Now, due to candy crush, words with friends, and other similar apps she plays more video games than I do.

And yet I still get told I'm rotting my mind out.



Six packs are to guys what hair is to girls; intended to attract the opposite sex but ultimately only the same sex fully appreciates that time and effort invested

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YouTube really needs a "Random Video" button.

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As a parent, hearing a loud thud followed by crying is scary. A loud thud followed by silence is terrifying.

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Christmas music is pretty much the same 10 songs sung differently by thousands of other people

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In 150 years Facebook will be the world's largest online memorial page.

And all the dead people will have posted condolences for all the other dead people.



All single men at a bar, gay or straight, kinda hope all good looking straight men are gay.

Edit: pardon the grammar, please.



The Matrix is full of bugs, security holes, gets exploited by hackers all the time and millions of "users" are forced to use it against their will. My God it's made in Adobe Flash!

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There should be a system where you send companies proof that you purchased their product, and then you don't have to watch their commercials anymore.

Seriously, do you know how many things I would buy that I don't even want just so they would go away? If I have to hear that fucking Merci chocolate ad one more time I'm going to shoot myself.



Pokemon is basically cockfighting for kids.

edit: Yes, yes for adults too (including me). yeeesh.



There is no food that looks more appetizing than a cartoon pizza.

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Saying you're a realist is an optimist's way of saying you're a pessimist

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Dating is putting on fancy clothes so hopefully you can take them off later.

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Saturday, November 28, 2015

40 years from now senior centers will go from being filled with board games and puzzles to being filled with ancient gaming consoles and their games.

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David vs. Goliath is basically the story of a dude who brought a gun to a knife fight and "miraculously" won.

Of curse the dude with the weapon is going to beat the guy using his bare hands.



My birthday is on November 28th, and my sisters never understood why I got better gifts than them. I just realized it's probably because my parents went out and bought everything on black friday.

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In the event of nuclear war, thousands of the survivors are going to die due to misinformation about radiation from Fallout 4.

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Every single person on earth has a hidden talent they probably dont even know theyve got because their life hasnt led them down a path where theyve found out the could do it

Every single person on earth has a hidden talent they probably dont even know theyve got because their life hasnt led them down a path where theyve found out the could do it



I'd say about 95% of the time a person has told me "it's a long story," it wasn't

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When you buy a vinyl record, you get a free digital download of the album. So if you buy a hardcover book, you should get the e-book version for free.

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People quickly dismiss scientists when they provide huge amounts of evidence like climate change, but believe eating chocolate helps you lose weight "because scientists of Harvard said so".

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If I buy a case of Digorno Pizza from Amazon, is or is it not delivery?

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They should change the word "Gunman" to "Jackass". The news would sound so much better. "Police cornered the jackass after a long standoff."

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A bed is a shelf for your body when you're not using it.

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Watching Firefly is like falling in love with someone who terminally ill.

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Do the people who pose in those stock photos in frames just buy those frames and put them around their houses like "Here's the time I posed for a stock picture!"

Additionally, do the friends of these people find it weird that whenever they're looking for frames they see Jason and his old girlfriend from 2 years ago in every 4X6 frame?



90% of the star wars commercials I see on TV are not even trailers for star wars, just companies using star wars to sell their products

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When a page on a document says "This page left intentionally blank", it is kind of blatantly lying to your face.

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Waiting phone times would be a lot less boring If you were connected to another random person waiting.

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Friday, November 27, 2015

We store so much data, there will probably eventually be digital archaeologists. Like Neo meets Indiana Jones.

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NSFW Porn has probably helped reduce the rate of teen pregnancies by popularizing external ejaculation.

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I keep my condoms in the same nightstand drawer as my gun. I have protection from every type of human in that drawer, from the unborn to the undead.

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Throughout school and childhood we're constantly told to "mind your own business" and not get involved in other peoples problems, then once we grow up people are wondering why everyone is so apathetic to the world's problems.

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If you're reading this, you are most likely richer than the majority of the world.

You have internet access and can afford a phone/PC



I saved the most on Black Friday, by not buying a single thing.

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Man is made in the image of God, but can choke to death on a small piece of food. The snake is the image of Satan but it can swallow a whole animal and still breathe. That means Satan is a better engineer.

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When you eat at home as a family, everyone eats the same meal. But if you went out to a restaurant and everyone ordered the exact same thing, that'd be considered strange and even frowned upon

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We fall asleep by staring at our eyelids

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Shopping Black Friday at Walmart is America's Running of the Bulls.

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There should be a version of how it's made where they don't say what's being made until the end, so you can guess what it is while it's made.

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In my mind you are all simply and collectively "The internet."

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Archimedes' principle was a showerthought

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Using Burger King's $1.49 for 10 Chicken Nuggets deal a billionaire could give 1 chicken nugget to everybody on the planet.

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We are all dying at an alarmingly fast rate. Eating and drinking just pushes that impending death back by a few hours

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As time passes, more and more people will believe "That '70s Show" was made in the '70s.

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IMDB should have a spoiler-free mode where you can hide how many episodes an actor appeared in.

Also, you could hide the date they left the show, and any pictures in the gallery that are deemed spoilers.



As a foreigner living in America I finally figured out why Americans are always so insistent upon inviting you over for Thanksgiving dinner. It's because they know that everything else you might want to do is fucking closed.

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My parents would always check movie ratings before watching a movie with me. Now I always check ratings before watching movies with them.

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The president pardoning a turkey must be a real slap in the face for the real life human beings sitting on death row.

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Things dont look wet underwater

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If you had a kid named Marco, the worst place to lose him would be at a swimming pool.

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The posts on r/showerthoughts make for way better stand up material than the stuff on r/jokes

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China should name a city "the USA" so that they can say "Made in the USA" on their products

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Why aren't anal cream pies called moonpies

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The Dothraki would have considered the Red Wedding a smashing success.

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I could get 90% off a Bugatti and I still wouldn't be able to afford it.

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Tagging a post NSFW is the ultimate clickbait

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Thursday, November 26, 2015

The man who submitted the world record for smallest dick has the biggest balls.

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If I had sex as much as I get screwed, I'd be a happy man.

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You know you're an adult when you finally understand why it would be so exciting to win a brand new bedroom set on Price is Right.

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After aliens land, bigots will immediately coin the term, 'space-n*****s'.

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Everytime you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

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Having a bloody nose in England must be a tough situation to explain to another person.

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Ant-man could be in every shot of the new Captain America trailer and we wouldn't know

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Auctioneers are proof white people can rap if they try hard enough.

Food for thought.



Archimedes yelled heureka while taking a bath,his famous principle is actually the oldest recorded showerthought. (baththought)

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If I ever had to do porn for money, I would do the nastiest, dirtiest stuff out there, because then if someone I know finds out, they can’t tell anyone they’ve watched it.

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Garlic salt should destroy leeches because they're half snail and half vampire.

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Shit is going to get out of hand when people with hyphenated last names start getting married and hyphenating those last names.

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A newbie should be called a "pert", because over time, they'll become an "ex-pert".

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If last names came from professions like Blacksmith, Fischer, and Hunter; then someone drop the ball with Dickinson

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In my head, you all have the exact same voice as me.

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Seeing a police officer on the road makes me feel more paranoid and worried than protected.

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What if all humans are born with one wish, but we all wasted it when we were 4-5 on some candy or getting a ball for christmas

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I guess if I had to eat a person I would want them to be a vegetarian. I like irony and prefer grass fed beef.

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I would like to see Gordon Ramsay sing for Simon Cowell, and Simon Cowell to cook for Gordon Ramsay. No cuts, no edits.

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Every time you have McDonald's as a kid, it's a victory. Every time you have McDonald's as an adult, it's a defeat.

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If a 99 pound person eats a 1 pound burrito she is 1% burrito

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If the perfect girl is one in a million, then there's 38 of them in California.

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You can determine how ugly your baby is by how long someone goes "Aww".

"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww, he's so adorable."

"Aw, damn, that sucks."



My girlfriend allows Tabasco to destroy her butthole, but not me.

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Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Browsing Netflix has become like opening the fridge for a snack: look through, leave, lower standards, go back, repeat until something looks good enough.

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Leonardo da Vinci's Vitruvian Man could be perceived as instructions on how to make a snow angel.

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Based on genital structure men should really be the ones wearing skirts and women should be wearing pants.

Wow really didn't see this as that entertaining of an idea.



What if the star wars movies came out 4,5,6,1,2,3 as a Yoda joke?

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If you actually "taste the rainbow," it will just taste like rainwater.

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Superstores should build apps that shows a map of the store

and what items are down an isle so that customers dont need to keep asking workers where things are



Reddit without Americans for a day would be a really interesting social experiment

edit: I realise there is a small window of lesser activity, but I've found that the Americans that are still awake are generally more vocal and downvote more prolifically to make up for their comrades absence. I think if we had a day where discussions around topics such as geopolitics and foreign policy were not tarnished by American propaganda, we can actually have a chance at finding out what the truth is. I'm sorry if this comes across as rude, its not my intention, and I don't see it as a fault, I think anyone would be the same with such a government.

Anyway, some guy who messaged me summed it up well:

I felt like it would be stupid for me to agree with you and then write a comment on your post. I would love for this to happen on reddit. I would love to notice the difference of opinions from others without America chiming in. Our people are so zombified by propaganda that most of them have no idea how much of their lives are manipulated.



"Who died and made you the king?" is actually a really terrible thing to say because the answer will almost always be "My dad".

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Going to the toilet at work and thinking "Did I close that Reddit tab" is the new "Did i leave the oven on."

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My dogs eat random sidewalk turds, fauna&flora and lick as many unmentionables as possible: and is 100% fine. Yet I feed them a new supermarket brand dog food pellets and they puke all over the kitchen floor.

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A prison cell is the worst time machine ever.

"Hey want to travel 44 years to the future?" "Yes!" "Alright sit in this tiny room for 44 years."



If I select text in Word, I should be able to capitalize all of it by hitting caps lock, or put it all in quotes by hitting the quotation mark

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/r/machineporn will mean something completely different in 100 years.

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Shakespeare would likely have enjoyed rap

Edit: secondary thought, with a slight brush up on slang, lingo and curse words, Shakespeare could likely make rap many hip hop enthusiasts would enjoy as well



The Call Of Duty games are like the pornography of the gaming world. The story is cringeworthy, but people don't care because it's all about the action spots, kids lie about being 18 to play it, and everyone plays it whether they admit it or not

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Has anyone ever seen an Ice Cream Van fill up for petrol at a station or do they have unlimited fuel?

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If they applied TL;DR to terms and conditions, people might actually read some of it.

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Ctrl + C + [1-9] should store multiple copies at once

My 20 year old calculator has 6 different copy stores. I have no idea why this doesn't exist on normal computers.



If I ever had to do porn for money, I would do the nastiest, dirtiest stuff out there, because then if someone I know finds out, they can't tell anyone they've watched it.

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Japan's flag is a pie chart, saying it is 100% Japan.

No tourists allowed. Locals only.



After Saving Private Ryan, Interstellar, and The Martian, "Oh shit we need to go pick up Matt Damon" has become a movie genre

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My foot is exactly 1 foot long (12"), my hand is 4" across the base, and my thumb is 1" wide. I am the imperial standard

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In a way, Charlie Sheen has gone viral.

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If flossing felt as good as cleaning my ears, maybe I wouldn't have all these cavities.

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History teaches us that mankind doesn't learn from history.

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Tuesday, November 24, 2015

If you replace the "W" in Where, What, When with a "T" you answer the question.

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If there are 7 billion people on Earth, that means that every second the collective human consciousness experiences 222 years.

7,000,000,000 / 60 / 60 / 24 / 365 is 221.969 years.



America's Funniest Home Videos was YouTube for the 90s

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WWII is one of the rare sequels to top the original, yet no one wants to see it become a trilogy

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I wonder if my dog thinks I'm an asshole for not backing him up with his fights against the vacuum and other random things.

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Toasters should be transparent, so you can see how toasted your bread is before it burns

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After shooting down a Russian plane, Turkey is going to be in hot water just in time for Thanksgiving.

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I've managed my money in video games, better than I did in real life.

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At a restaurant you will send back your dead animal if there is a dead insect on the same plate.

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Reddit is one of those things a lot of people are really into, but turns cringey when talked about in public

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Disney has given me more unrealistic expectations about real life than porn has about sex

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It's entirely possible that I am a former Men in Black agent.

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Depression is like being in a stale and abusive relationship with yourself, and wanting to break up.

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My Facebook password is 14 characters with a capitalized letter and two numbers... my bank pin # is 4 digits

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I just texted myself something to remember it later. I'm so lazy that I sent data to space, bounced it off a satellite, and got it back rather than picking up a pencil and writing it down.

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If I treated real life like Reddit, anytime I would walk into a crowded room, I'd yell out a thought or question, leave for 10 minutes, go back in and walk around trying to hear if people were talking about what I said.

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I have just realized I have survived literally everything life has thrown at me so far. I have an 100% survival rate.

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What if "Do not lie with a man as one lies with a women" just means no threesomes?

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When black & white photographs were invented, they must had looked pretty weird because people had never seen the world in black & white before

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Monday, November 23, 2015

If marijuana ever becomes fully legal, drug sniffing dogs will have to be retrained to ignore the smell.

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At 36 years old, I am older then Al Bundy was at the start of Married with Children. When watching the show as a kid, I always thought he was an old loser. I fear what that means I am.

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In culinary school, your dog eating your homework is a pretty legitimate concern.

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Bagels are merely a vehicle to get cream cheese into my mouth

Bagels are overrated. Cream cheese is Bæ



girls in porn are so happy after a facial because they finished working

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The only time I ever want to have a penny is to keep from getting more pennies

Seriously. I almost never use cash for this reason too.



Being "up for pizza," "down for pizza," or "in for pizza," all mean that you're "on board for pizza."

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I have never once followed a recipe and thought "this is an adequate amount of garlic".

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I wonder how many random stranger's homework I've done answering to random shit on /askreddit, /askscience, etc...

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Starting a family is like starting a really big group project.

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The Great Wall of China was intended to keep foreigners out of the country. Now, as a tourist destination, it's used to bring foreigners into the country.

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The book of Proverbs in the Bible is just a really old collection of Showerthoughts.

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You could destroy an entire family, simply by sending an anonymous letter saying "Your suspicions are right. -A friend"

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Tesla/Edison would be an incredible band name for an AC/DC cover band.

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Those huge farts you let out in the middle of the night are like huge trees falling in the forest that no one is around to hear

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What if we only love our parents because of Stockholm Syndrome?

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Al Pacino sounds more like a food modifier than a name. "I'll have the spaghetti al pacino."

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A good male wingman tries to help his drunk friend to go home with a stranger. A good female wingman tries to stop that from happening.

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Somewhere in the world there is a baby stronger than all other babies.

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Sunday, November 22, 2015

Scooby-Doo taught us that there are no monsters, all of the bad guys are just people.

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The last funeral won't be for the last person alive.

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In life, it's "you live, you learn." But, in video games, it's "you die, you learn."

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Movies are set in a world where the actors in them don't exist.

EDIT: Haha, ok, so I definitely should have thought of the case of actors playing themselves. (Whether realistically or as caricatures of their actual selves.)

I also just remembered Scrubs when JD was watching the Fugitive and saw the Janitor in it, so I wanted to throw that one out there too.



Who the hell uses the darkest setting on the toaster?

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My phone's response to a low battery is to vibrate, turn the screen on, show a visual warning and chime loudly. This seems counter-productive.

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Everyone in the Wizarding world was always calling Luna crazy for the stuff she claimed to see and know. You people are casting magical spells and interacting with mythical creatures every day... shouldn't you be open minded about everything?

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The more interracial sex we have, the less interracial sex we can have.

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I always have, and always will, picture a deep space sci-fi planet when I see the name 'Nova Scotia'.

Sorry, it's just too awesome a name.



Strip clubs make guys pay to cock block themselves

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The people who died climbing Mount Everest, who's bodies can never be recovered, have the worlds most beautiful tombstone.

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I am 13.7 billion years old according to law of mass conservation.

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It would probably be illegal to cast a 17 year old as the star of an accurate portrayal of the life of an average 17 year old

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As a woman, when I say "my partner" people assume I mean my business partner. When my husband says "my partner" people assume he is gay.

This happened at a party recently. He was talking to a small group he didn't know and was telling a funny story that happened at lunch with his "partner". A short time later I joined the group and virtually everyone was confused. One guy even fessed up that he thought he meant "partner" partner, not partner.



"If it Wasn't for America, the French Would be Speaking German" but if it Wasn't for The French, America Wouldn't Even Exist.

The French allied with the colonies back in the 1700s to help them win the revolutionary war against Britain. There's no way a rag-tad group of colonies would've been able to stand up to the might of the world superpower known as the British Empire without the French on their side.



Delivery guys are basically waiters whose tables are really, really far from the kitchen.

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You would have a pretty decent crime film if you replaced the chocolate in Willy Wonka with cocaine.

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There should be a Tinder style app for musicians seeking a band to match with each other

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If my future husband is as introverted as me, I'll never meet him.

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If Dr. Evil were actually a Medical Doctor, he would have to have gone through a Residency at one point. If he did, his title would be "Resident Evil".

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Saturday, November 21, 2015

Every word is literally a made-up word.

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Are Medusa's leg hairs tiny snakes?

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Japan looks like someone turned Adblock off.

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The nice thing about pooping at a bowling alley is that nobody can tell who you are by your shoes.

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I use Twitter to talk to people I wish I knew, Facebook to talk to people I wish I didn't know, and Reddit to talk to people I don't know

EDIT: Front page! Wow, never though I'd be here! Hi mom!



Every time archaeologists announce more evidence that dinosaurs really had feathers and wings, all I hear is, "We were wrong all those years ago, they're dragons."

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Pewdiepie has more subscribers that Canada has population.

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What if every time you choke on air it's actually a ghost penis?

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The biggest clickbait on Reddit is not the NSFW tag, it's "comment score below threshold"

[+] 247NoSleep comment score below threshold ^(126 children)



All the Digimons end with -mon because they are computer programs, and ".mon" is their extension for monster.

By the way, if you don't know, Digimon Tri (the new continuation of Digimon Adventures) released four episodes this week.



There are only 4 years between a person being a middle schooler and a person being a college student

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Saying "A broken clock is right twice a day" sounds a lot better than "A broken clock is right 0.0023% of the time"

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I'm not even motivated enough to go browse r/GetMotivated

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The first snow of the year is technically in January, and not in the fall.

he first snow of the year is technically in January, and not in the fall.



Just realised "fortnight" is short for fourteen nights

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Growing up I lost my Teleportation powers, when I used to fall asleep watching cartoons and magically appear as snugged in the bed.

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Dolphins are so smart, that once captured, train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and feed them fish

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With water, it's a puddle, but with blood, it's a pool.

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Buddy Guy is the single most Canadian name that ever existed.

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Pizza companies should offer half-price "surprise" toppings pizzas to help get rid of ingredients and toppings that will spoil soon. It would cut down on food cost for them and non-picky eaters could get half-price pizzas!

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I can't watch The Walking Dead because I can't suspend disbelief in a zombie apocalypse where nobody ever says the word "fuck"

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When I was born they didn't have the internet. Imagine how that's gonna sound coming out of my mouth in 20 years

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It's a miracle we had any breakthroughs before someone thought to invent the shower.

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Waffles are pancakes, ribbed for your pleasure.

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The one thing I always touch after pooping is my belt. It is also the only piece of clothing that doesn't get washed.

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Homeless people should relocate to local Best Buy, Toys R Us, Walmart locations for the holidays. Get line for Black Friday. Then sell their spot in line on Thanksgiving night.

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Usain Bolt is less than 10 seconds slower than light at the 100m

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Friday, November 20, 2015

Erect nipples can indicate that you're cold, but also that it's about to get hot.

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Telling people that you are trying to have kids is a polite way to tell friends and family you are having lots of sex.

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The term anal bleaching is a bit crude. Why not 'change your ringtone'?

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The new "American Dream" is getting to $0

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The average student learns calculus at a slightly younger age than when Isaac Newton discovered it.

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If you are underwater, you're really just in the water.

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It won't matter how good Half-Life 3 will be, the amount of hype it has inadvertently raised will never match the actual game.

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The first guy to discover milk probably did a lot of other weird shit.

Can't take credit for this as I saw it on the internet today but found it amusing.



The song "Happy" by Pharrell makes me fucking hostile, while the song "Fucking Hostile" by Pantera makes me happy.

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Seeing a girl's collar bone or shoulder in class is a hell of a lot less distracting than hauling her out of class for it.

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I bet Kanye West will be the first person to perform with the hologram of Kanye West

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Cinderella costumes should be breakaways you can pull off at midnight to reveal her tattered normal clothes.

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When we animate dogs, we give them facial features that make it easier for us to understand their emotions. I wonder how a dog would animate a human so that they could understand us better.

I was thinking about how in a film like Lady and the Tramp, those do not look anything like dog faces. But they are way easier to relate to this way.



Do crabs think fishes can fly?

If a crab looks up, and sees fishes swimming around, does the crabs think that the fishes can fly? What would they think if they get out of the water?



There should be a holiday called Galaxy Day. Where NASA shuts everything down (no light pollution) and everyone goes outside to look at the stars.

EDIT: NASA is probably watching me type this right now.



If a restaurant has to tell you that it's world famous then it's not actually world famous

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When I walk my dog he probably thinks we are on an epic security patrol, guarding our territories from countless dangers unknown.

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Every celebrity that says "Follow your dreams" just has confirmation bias.

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Restaurant quality usually means high quality, unless you're talking about toilet paper.

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I wounder if years from now light-bulbs will be romantic in the way candles are now

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Humans are like the paparazzi to cats.

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If our ISP's cap data, ads should be considered theft.

If I'm paying for data up to x amount each month, every single thing that's using up my data limit should be within my control. Any ads that play or load without my express consent should be considered theft.



The laugh track in "How I Met Your Mother" would make more sense if it were two kids laughing, rather than a studio audience.

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The word for "Dyslexia" should have been a four letter palindrome.

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Thursday, November 19, 2015

Why should I go to someone elses funeral when they won't ever go to mine?

Don't take this literally^



when I see lovers names carved into a tree, i cant help but wonder why so many people are carrying knives on dates.

weird don't you think?



Bad guys in movies should make a solid wall of lasers to protect rooms instead of random beams that can be navigated by dance.

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In the future, ancestry.com would just link to our old Facebook accounts.

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I'm sad as an atheist because I wish I believed in a universe where I get a comprehensive list of stats when I die.

It's something that comes to mind so frequently - as someone earlier posted - things like near death experiences. But it could be so interesting, you could look at times you've come within 100m of the person you married x years later, or maybe view maps of everyone you know and see if / when they ever ran into each other... The possibilities in my this imagined reality are limitless. </3



The farther north you go in Florida, the more south it gets

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Does a Centaur suck milk from horse nipples or human ones?

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Falling asleep on a plane is like fast travel in an rpg.

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During a storm, the more it rains, the louder it gets. Therefore the higher the volume of rain, the higher the volume of rain.

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There should be a thing called "Secret Satan" where people draw each others names and then secretly prank each other throughout December.

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If I hold the screen shot button during a video, it should make a gif.

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Being a giraffe and throwing up would not be pleasant

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Why do we tip the person who carried our meals 20 feet rather than the guy who spent 20 minutes cooking it?

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Traveling salesmen are basically real-life spam.

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The penalty for not having money is being charged more money.

The reason the check bounced was because there was no money, so thanks for adding more money to the bill!



I've eaten grape-flavored things, but none of them have ever tasted like an actual grape

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Saying "um" is the human equivalent to buffering.

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It would be a shame if porcupines like being pet more than any other animal

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Traffic is like one big parade, but no one's having fun

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My activities on the internet are basically the same things I would do if I were a ghost: Listen in on people's conversations, spy on people having sex, and watch whatever movies and concerts I want for free.

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As a dad of three girls, I should make sure that they don't have "daddy issues" so I can still browse r/gonewild when they are older.

Guess this could be confession bear as well. "Super nice to my girls so they don't show their tits to a camera when they get older." "That way I get to keep looking at naked boobs on the Internet."



We blame "society" for everything, but we are society.

Mind=blown I am not high



Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Birthday presents are rewards for not dying that year.

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If Sheldon from Big Bang Theory was a real person, there would likely be few things on earth he would hate more than the show itself

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If Assassin's Creed keeps going up through time it'll eventually just become Splinter Cell.

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A lady at my work is offended by getting a "Christmas Bonus". I would gladly take a "Ramadan bonus" without a thought.

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Every device I've ever owned that is capable of displaying porn has been used to display porn.

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The phrase "what an asshole" could be considered a compliment in the right moment.

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Facebook has made me realize that if could read people's minds, I would probably kill myself.

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Half of Blink 182 is Wink 91

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I can wipe my ass with 1 square of toilet paper, but only if it's the last square on the roll.

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We have a black president. When will we get a black band aid?

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I almost never click posts in this subreddit unless I want to comment, because the whole post is in the title.

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Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson should make a cookbook so we can finally smell what he's been cooking.

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I realized I was a grown up when I caught myself empathizing with King Triton instead of Ariel

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Destroying IS would be a great world team building exercise.

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One day, people are going to bitch about too many old people gaming online. Our generation is going to have a lot of retirees who do nothing but game all day.

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If I didn't know what it meant, a "friend zone" would seem like a place I want to be in.

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My Dad got his breaking news from Walter Cronkite. I get mine from someone named /u/showershitters



Teenagers have only ever known what it's like being a child, but are expected act like adults while being treated like a child.

Wow! Front page! My under developed brain did something for once! Oh, I also messed up the title. My bad.

Edit: This thread has brought many opposing oponions on this subject, but this is good. Discussion is good. Many people have brought up points I have never really thought about.



I prefer nightmares. I wake up from bad dreams relieved, because I know they're not real; I wake up from good dreams disappointed, because I know they're not real.

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The word Jewish makes it sound like you're a Jew but not really.

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Tuesday, November 17, 2015

If the 100 richest people in the world suddenly attracted incurable cancer, how fast would we find the cure?

Edit; I understand it should be contracted, not attracted. Didn't think of it when the idea popped into my head.



If I stepped out of my shower and there was suddenly a cucumber sitting in the middle of the floor of my bathroom, I'd be fucking terrified too.

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In England you can join the army at 16 but have to be 18 to buy Call Of Duty

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What if we're all in a Capri-Sun and the moon is actually where the straw goes?

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People assume that the first sex robots will be sold for men, but the reality is, women have already been using them for years and years

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Sweatpants and sweatshirts are almost never used to "sweat", while they are almost always used to get comfy and relax.

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I hope fast food workers get their $15/hr wages so the cost of fast food will double and I will stop eating it.

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I wish Pornhub could recommend videos based on the history of the ones I've clicked.

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In a couple thousand years archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.

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Being described as "The Last of My Name" is way cooler than "an only child"

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The division sign ÷ represents a fraction where the dots are numbers

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I'm convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer... It comes back as an extra Tupperware lid.

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The next James Bond reboot should set the franchise back in the 1960's.

I'm tired of all the subplots revolving around spies being completely obsolete. Spy gadgets have been reduced to gimmicky nonsense now that there's an app for everything. Period piece bond is the way to go.



"It was probably just my imagination." are some of the most discouraging words a ghost could ever hear.

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What if Star Wars actually took place in the Milky Way and the narrator is the one from a galaxy far, far away?

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I used to hold the record for youngest person on earth

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If I ever decide to open a bar, I'm going to name it "Horn Pub"

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Every birthday I get $200 between my parents and grandparents. Today I realized that's the real life equivalent of passing go in monopoly

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Tolkien died in 1973. Turn that around and you get 3791. Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne.

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The goal of John Oliver's show is to create a world where his show won't need to exist.

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If 9/11 had happened elsewhere in the world it would have likely been called 11/9 instead.

It just occurred to me.



Fallout 4 Should've Introduced a Thieves Guild called the Brotherhood of Steal

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Every time I see Ronda Rousey's name, I read it in Scooby-Doo's voice.

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"Unbelievable actor" is more of an insult than a compliment

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When old people complain about younger generations they are saying they Are shitty at raising kids.

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What if all the Gods are real and are just playing a game of "Who can get the most followers."

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Someone thought they were real fuckin' clever sneaking a B into the word "Subtle"

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Schools don't allow really short shorts, but allow leggings which are basically skin paint

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I wonder if tall people are grossed out by the tops of other people's refrigerators.

Once i notice how dirty it is up there, i have to clean it.



Jar Jar Binks is what you would might have expected had Disney made a Star Wars movie in 1999

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Why do people say "tuna fish" when they don't say "chicken bird" or "beef mammal"

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New idea for a startup -- a hybrid of Uber, Tinder, and AirBnB: An app that will let you find someone to hook up with, then it will arrange for a driver to pick you both up and take you to a pre-rented room. I'm calling it "Pimpr".

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People are talking about tragedies the way hipsters talk about bands. "Oh, you're into that trendy tragedy? Whatever. There's this other tragedy I'm into, you probably haven't heard of it..."

--source my friend on facebook



Being God must be awesome. You can ignore prayers and no one gets pissed. Then when something positive happens you get the credit!

Perfect job.



100% of Disney queens are evil. Therefore all of the Disney princesses are closeted psychopaths.

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I have never liked, commented, or subscribed, just because a youtuber asked me to

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Any drink with calories is an energy drink.

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The McRib is the deadbeat dad of fast food sandwiches. It disappears for months at a time and then we're supposed to get all excited when it shows back up again.

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Monday, November 16, 2015

After all the new Star Wars movies come out, Star Wars will be a trilogy of trilogies.

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If KFC sold buckets of just their breaded chicken skin, I'd buy it.

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The poor soul that had to test "No tears" Shampoo until they got it right...

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Instead of rebooting amazing films, we should reboot shitty ones that showed potential.

Seems obvious really. Imagine a decent Johnny Nmemonic film.



I would gladly take 98% odds while gambling at a casino but suddenly 98% doesn't sound too good when it's the effectiveness of your girlfriend's birth control

Showerthoughts



It's actually pretty likely that I'll be in physical vicinity of one of you in real life but neither of us will have any idea that we had this brief connection on the internet.

Nah... who am I kidding? None of you ever go outside...



We are lucky to have our ears are at the perfect height for wearing glasses

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The world's best masseuse will never get the world's best massage.

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Smoking cigarettes is a great way to commit suicide if you're a procrastinator.

"...eh looks like I'm not dying today. Maybe tomorrow."



If you had to donate $5 in order to change your profile picture, my news feed would probably be a lot less french

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Sunday, November 15, 2015

If you take a naked picture of your child every day since their birth, when does it become illegal?

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Men should probably wash their penis after using the bathroom as their hands touch dirtier things than their penis does.

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Now that everyone's Facebook picture has the French flag over it, we can now see who paid attention to rule of thirds when taking their picture.

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I bet farts are the longest running joke throughout time.

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The written question "What was the last thing you read?" always has the same answer.

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If there is a War on Christmas then Christmas is winning. It has taken over the territories of both October and November from opposing factions Halloween and Thanksgiving.

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If a girl likes water she already likes 75% of me

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75 is 25% shorter than 100, unless it is a time you type into the microwave, in which case it is 25% longer

Had to fix the math, so I took down the previous post.



People who don't sleep enough die sooner. People who do, sleep through that extra time.

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I don't need to order the Ronda Rousey fight. I'll just watch the gif right afterwards.

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Saturday, November 14, 2015

Duck Hunt was the first First Person Shooter

Technically.



Even in a post-apocalyptic world, women still leave their bobby pins everywhere.

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I have seen more movie characters killed by Fire Extinguishers than saved by them.

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Companies sell us soap to strip our bodies of natural oils and then they sell us moisturizers to replace the oils.

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My dog has, and will never have, any real understanding of why I don't let him do things that come naturally to him as a dog and probably thinks I'm a boring weirdo for never wanting to join him in chewing on the sofa or digging holes all over the garden.

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They should make double stuffed PopTarts

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About 150 years ago a car would be considered a luxury item and a horse a necessity, now a horse is a luxury item and a car is necessity.

*105 years



No drug dealer I have ever encountered has offered me a "First One's Free to get you hooked" deal, like my school and parents told me would happen as a kid. Kind of disappointed.

EDIT: ITT: people who have got free drugs. I come from the UK and I wouldn't get harder drugs so that's probably why ...



Subreddits that don't allow downvoting are basically Facebook.

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My girlfriend used to work in the food service industry. I work in IT. When someone talks about hosts and servers, we think of VERY different things.

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Friday, November 13, 2015

Velma would have significantly less problems if she switched to contacts.

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Beef jerky is basically a cow raisin

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I don't like brushing my teeth at night because it's hard for me to make that kind of commitment to stop eating.

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Church is like a giant bookclub that only ever reads one book.

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/r/showerthoughts is a bunch of people finding complex ways to look at simple things, while /r/ELI5 (Explain Like I'm 5) is a bunch of people looking for simple ways to look at complex things.

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Seeing a girl's collar bone or shoulder in class is a hell of a lot less distracting than hauling her out of class for it.

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By losing my virginity I will greatly reduce the chances of being used for a blood sacrifice.

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There are no female minions because they reproduce asexually. The 2-eyed minions are in the process of mitosis.

How else does their species survive?



The first guy to realize parrots could mimic humans must have freaked the fuck out

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If Jesus came to earth now, non-Christians would think he was mental and actual Christians would be offended that someone was claiming to be Jesus

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Thursday, November 12, 2015

Being God would be like playing the most infuriating game of The Sims ever.

GOD: Here you have the knowledge to split atoms to get energy.

HUMANITY: Builds bomb, kills people.

GOD: Me-dammit!



As a soldier, when I see cops with military rank insignias on their shoulders, I roll my eyes the same way they probably do when they see security guards with police-like badges

I'm sorry for speeding Staff Sergeant, it won't happen again.

EDIT: I never said I don't respect the cops I just think it's silly they use the same rank symbols we do and then alter the titles/order etc.

I have nothing against cops and I don't think I'm better than them i just think it's lame to both copy the military rank structure and then change the names of them.



The Ninja Turtles' masks actually let us identify them instead of hiding their identity.

Totally, dude.



When Superman is poisoned with kryptonite, he is literally homesick.

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If 50 years ago you told people that there would be only 8 planets in the future, they would think something incredibly exciting would happen.

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If I had known how much I would like reddit I would have put more effort into my user name

EDIT: Wow, this blew up! I am secretly happy many of you are in the same boat and I am also extremely jealous of many of you.

My username is just my nickname and favourite number that I thoughtlessly used to see what Reddit was all about. Now I have username envy and regret everything.



Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.

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My biggest fear is that when creating a password I will accidentally type one letter wrong and then do the same thing in the "confirm password" box and I will never be able to sign in to my account

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When I was a single guy who played video games all the time, all I wanted was a girlfriend. Now, as a married guy, all I want is to be able to play video games all the time.

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If I had a dollar for every piece of useless trivia I know, I wouldn't have any money since the trivia is no longer useless if it can earn me money.

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Wednesday, November 11, 2015

For those born on November 22, 1989 you have a special birthday in the year 2033. Why? On 11/22/33 you're turning 44.

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My father can't control himself around an open bag of chips. I can't control myself around an open bottle of vodka. My family's weakness is potatoes.

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My fallout 4 character has slept more than I have since the release of the game

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I haven't seen anyone complaining about the Starbucks cup. I've only seen people complaining about people complaining about the Starbucks cup.

EDIT: And no, I'm not complaining, just shower thinking



Whenever I see news about the ISS, I worry for a split second that now the terrorists have a spaceship

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The word "crisp" goes from the back of your mouth to the front.

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Mr. Peanut is an Aristocrat who sells Dead and Dry-RoastedMembers of his own species for his own greed.

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I want a filter to show the top post for all the subs I'm NOT subscribed to.

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When I was 16 I'd sneak out to smoke pot so my parents wouldn't find out. Now I'm 38 and I sneak out so my 16 year old doesn't find out.

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When I was a younger person I had to use the Oxford dictionary to understand adult words and now that I'm an adult I have to use urban dictionary to understand younger people words.

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Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Our teeth stay perfect inside our skulls for hundreds of years after we die, but need constant maintenance while we're alive.

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If "War never changes", then why do I keep buying the newest version with all the modern features and updates every few years?

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If you ask her to marry you and she says no, that's gonna be a really awkward three hour hot air balloon ride.

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As a kid, mail addressed to me usually meant I was getting money. As an adult, it usually means I owe someone money.

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Football is basically two coaches playing "wizard's chess."

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There are no Fallout 4 posts on the front page now because everybody who bothers with it, is playing it now.

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If most murder victims know their killer does it mean every time we meet someone new it increases our chance of being murdered?

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[Showthought] I really want to see Star Wars on opening night, but I don't want to see it with the people who will be there on opening night.

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I will watch 30 minutes worth of 7-second clips on YouTube, but not one 30 minute clip

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Why do American coins go 1¢, 5¢, 10¢, **25¢**, 50¢, 100¢, but American bills go $1, $5, $10, **$20**, $50, $100?

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Michael Jackson's probably the blackest he's ever been right now.

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I want to start an IT-themed hip-hop group called Run CMD

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I am literally starting to be offended by all the stupid shit people are getting offended by

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I have no clue how Imgur is pronounced.

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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks you what you do for fun.

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This subreddit would be way more popular if we all had waterproof phones.

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I bet earth is the ghetto of the universe as far as planets are concerned. It's a mess...I mean, the moon has an abandoned car on it, for fucks sake. Any aliens that made their way here would immediately lock the doors on their ship, and turn the fuck around.

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I actively try to avoid people I know in public, yet I'm always looking for people I know when in public.

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Monday, November 9, 2015

I wonder if any hieroglyphics have spelling errors

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There should be a "pick a random episode" button on Netflix for the shows I've watched a million times.

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When Fallout 4 is out, people everywhere will spend a long time inside, playing a game about emerging from being inside for a long time

Just something a friend and I were thinking of.



Drug dealers should dress up as Pizza Guys

Nobody would ever suspect a drug deal is going down, all he'd have to do is deliver a pizza box full of drugs. Even in public people would think it's legit.



Could we put Nicotine in toothpaste to make brushing teeth addictive?

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An hourly wage is what your employer thinks an hour of your life is worth.

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Probably going to die the same way I was born. Bald and confused.

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As a kid I scrambled to get money to buy video games, as an adult I scramble to get time to play video games.

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I used to love getting sick as a kid because it meant staying home from school; as an adult I hate getting sick because I can't afford to stay home

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My phone's battery life is like its health bar and its internet connection is like its mana bar.

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Gay Christians should smoke a blunt before sleeping together because the bible says that if a man lies with another man, they should both be stoned.

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When you're young everyone tells you that drugs will kill you but as you get older you need drugs to stay alive.

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Soldiers are harder to spot when they're not wearing camouflage.

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It must have been awkward to be the first gay guy on earth. Not because of any stigma, but because he'd have had to talk another guy into trying it. "Hey...so, you know that thing we do with our dicks to put babies in women? Well, I was thinking...and this is gonna sound weird, but stay with me..."

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Nothing makes you feel more emotions in less time than getting your finger stuck in a small hole and being unable to pull it out

Mild curiosity: "I wonder if my finger fits here."

Mild satisfaction: "Yup."

Mild anxiety: "I hope i can pull it out now."

Anxiety: "Fuck. It's stuck!"

Desperation: "I'm gonna have to cut it off!"

Self loathing: "Why did I even do this? I'm such an idiot!"

Relief: "Oh, it came out."

Edit: Yes, I realize the sexual connotations. No, it was not on purpose.



If you don't reproduce, you are breaking a 4 billion year old family tradition.

There is an unbroken chain of mothers and fathers from you to the first organism on earth roughly 4 billion years ago!



When Virtual Reality becomes readily available to the general public, I hope professional sports leagues sell subscriptions to see the game through your favorite players eyes.

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I have to seriously consider buying a $15 game on steam that I would spend a dozen hours playing, but I will spend the same amount for dinner without even thinking about it.

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I don't find myself unattractive, but I also don't find myself attractive. I feel like I'm just sort of here, not something that really grabs anyone's attention. Sort of like a chair. Or a lamp.

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If someone says they miss the 'old you' they actually miss the younger you

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Silence is the only thing that's easier done than said.

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What if Harry Potter was dreaming for seven years because he ran headfirst into a wall at a train station?

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It's cool for my wife to buy me power tools for my birthday, but if I was to bring her a vacuum cleaner.....

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As a child, I wanted to be an adult because of the freedoms it would give (R rated movies, drinking, driving, etc.) As an adult, I want to be a child because of the freedoms it would give (free time, no bills, sleeping in, etc.)

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Sunday, November 8, 2015

what if aristotle was pronounced like chipotle

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Google is always doing an AMA

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"My parents are gay," is now a good response to Mormons at your door.

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The Simpsons has been on the air long enough that I've stopped identifying with the kids and started identifying with the adults

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"I don't understand why Reddit is so afraid of Australia", I thought as I killed the third adult huntsman spider of the day.

These spiders are endless guys



Porn is just like driving songs, you don't find the perfect one until you're pretty much already there

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We never think about the gender of the meat we are eating

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Before the camera was invented, nobody had ever really seen what they looked like with their eyes closed.

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Maybe talking to God about your problems is like trying to Rubber Duck Debug your life.

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If a vegan treats a girl "like a piece of meat," he is probably actually quite respectful.

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With today's rapid advances in medicine, the longer you live, the better are the chances of you living even longer.

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I've raided more tombs in Skyrim than I have in Tomb Raider

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Morticians should tie dead people's shoes together so if there is a zombie apocalypse it would be funny rather than scary.

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Having to watch an ad doesn't make me want to buy a product, it just makes me hate the product/company

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Willy Wonka sent out his chocolate bars worldwide, and 5 white kids (4 with first-world problems) still won.

I was thinking about this the other day. Everyone's white in the newer movie, as well. Don't get me wrong, I love the original... But the opening of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (with Depp not Wilder) shows the boxes shipping out to Tokyo, Cairo, etc.



Marriage is one of the few things where we consider someone an expert if they've only successfully done it once.

It's 4:30 AM and I can't think of any other things, but this is Reddit so I'm sure someone will come along and offer up other examples.



Monopoly money should say "In Go We Trust"

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What if the meteor that killed all dinosaurs was a spaceship and we are the aliens

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It's a lot easier to imagine a TV that is 4x as big as opposed to one that is twice as big.

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The Star Wars Prequels make better Lego games than they do actual movies.

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Those who are applying to optometry school for the upcoming year will be the Class of "2020"

Those lucky ducks. 20/20 is the perfect year to graduate for an eye care professional.



We can refer to anything that doesn't require horses to work as being horseless. The horseless carriage. The horseless pencil. The horseless laptop. The Horseless Large Hadron Collider.

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We invented plates to keep our food off the ground. Then, we invented tables to keep our plates off the ground, which were invented to keep our food off the ground. Then, we used tablecloths to keep our plates off our tables.

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Saturday, November 7, 2015

Never Gonna Give You Up is probably the most viewed but least watched video of all time.

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The MythBusters expense report must look dodgy as hell to the IRS

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No matter when the world ends, there will be an unlucky kid somewhere just about to get his first blowjob.

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The opposite of a "laptop" is a "bottom-bottom".

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You know you're getting old when "Weird Al" Yankovic starts parodying songs you don't know

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Depending on the gender of the drug dog on its way to search Jay-Z's car, a bitch may have been one of his 99 problems.

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I treat Reddit like I do my fridge. I look for something good and when I don't find it, I close it; lower my standards; re-open it and try again.

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Every time you see a star you are touching a small part of it, a photon that traveled millions of light years and ended its journey with you.

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Growing up, my parents yelled at me for playing Gameboy when we went out to eat, now these same people stare at their phones...

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A dying child was allowed to watch the forthcoming Star Wars film early. I really hope it doesn't end on a cliff-hanger.

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If I have 2 choices and 1 of them is taken away, I have 0 choices.

Edit: wow this went from 0 to 100 quickly! I'm still confused as to whether it makes any sense



When deaf people are talking with sign language, I feel like I'm the deaf one that can't hear them.

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If you yell out "God is great!" at an airport, the outcome can be very different depending on what language you use.

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People who actually have Celiac disease must be grateful for all the fakers... they now have 10x more products to choose from

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It's strange that "Dickson" is a normal, proper name, whereas the feminine counterpart, "Cuntdaughter", isn't.

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Last night I woke up from a dream because I saw someone I wanted to avoid. I disliked them so much that I was willing to bring their entire universe to an end rather than talk to them.

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Friday, November 6, 2015

There are tons of skeletons in the ground wearing tuxedoes

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Cock, Tit, Ass and Pussy are all names for animals.

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I wonder how many homeless people were once the type of person to drive by a homeless person without a second thought.

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I think I've masturbated more times in my life than I've flossed.

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Running away from the police after comitting a crime is kind of like Double or Nothing

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Grandpa Joe Laid in bed for 20 years while his daughter and grandson worked their asses off to support him. As soon as he gets to go to a chocolate factory, he literally dances out of the door. Grandpa Joe was an asshole.

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Holding up fake stop signs will eventually be a common way to prank self-driving cars.

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The first step to recovery isn't admitting you have a problem, it's having a problem.

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I fear angry cops more than angry murderers. At least I have the right to fight the murderer.

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If you beat someone to death, don't they technically beat you to death, since they get there faster?

...I do not condone beating anyone/anything to death, just for the record.



I feel like I spent a lot of time as a child being taught the difference between stalactites and stalagmites and zero time needing to know that information.

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3 out of 5 stars is GOOD. 6/10 is OKAY. 60% is BAD.

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"DO NOT TOUCH" would probably be a really unsettling thing to read in braille.

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GTA should have an extra star where a superhero comes.

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When a watch battery dies, it records the time of its own death.

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How ironic would it be if we found out that the real reason why we are here on earth was because mars population was wiped out and the safest way to preserve human life was to come to Earth?

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Every time a shower thought hits the front page, I smugly think "I could've thought of that."

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The fallout 4 trailer contains 'mild violence', yet begins with nuclear warfare- which is the most violence humans are capable of given all of our current technology.

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Every time I go jogging I think everyone knows I'm an amateur but when I see someone jog I assume that it's their daily routine

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Saying there are no aliens is like scooping a tea cup into the ocean and saying [there are] no fish

Credit to u/wakeupcalldeadend

Edit: It makes me happy to see ideas of this nature popular among the greater Reddit community!

Have a safe Friday



When bald people wash their face, how high up do they go?

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We should start broadcasting Independence Day into space with "based on a true story" at the beginning so aliens don't try any shit

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I wish my eyelids were like blackout blinds and not cheap translucent ones

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Professors always say "don't copy stuff off the internet," but now that I can Google all my assignments, I can see they're just copying the questions and problem sets that other professors wrote and almost never source their work

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Batman is a 1 percenter beating up the mentally ill.

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Thursday, November 5, 2015

Using the "Browse Torrents" section on a site is like saying "I don't know what I want, but I want to steal something"

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As a straight girl, I've gotten way more compliments on my boobs and ass from other straight girls than from guys or lesbians

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There will probably be an immortal mouse before there is an immortal human.

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There should be a show called "Are you Smarter than an Adult?" meant to put 5th graders back in their place. They'd be asked questions like "What day are taxes due?" and "Explain how the electoral college works.".

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I can search the entire Internet faster than I can search my computer

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Lorde should have been Randy Marsh for Halloween.

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What if murderers are people sent back in time to kill someone because they are a potential threat to our existence.

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The song "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by the Rolling Stones should be blared in every Toys R Us.

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