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Sunday, January 31, 2016
When FDR repealed the 18th amendment he said "I think now would be a good time for a beer" I wonder if the president who repeals marijuana will say "I think now is a good time for a joint"
Ken Burns documentary on prohibition is on Netflix...it's so good.
Being attractive is the real life equivalent of playing life on "easy mode"
Edit:i just want to let you guys know i'm not saying this is always the case , and this is coming from a really average looking guy.sometimes it does sometimes it doesn't.
Saturday, January 30, 2016
Hotel maids probably hate Feb 15th as much as retail employees hate Black Friday?
Didn't mean to include the stupid question mark
A blind person must have a really low electricity bill.
They never have to turn on the lights and there is a probably a lot of visual entertainment that they do not use.
Deadpool should "leak" the movie but have it like it is being recorded in a theatre with Deadpool in the middle of the camera watching the movie but covering the action and saying absurd things making it hard to see or hear the movie
Similar to Rifftrax or their old show Mystery Science Theatre in terms of banter
Friday, January 29, 2016
Wu-Tang Clan should release "Once Upon A Time In Shaolin" for free, making Martin Shkreli the one person who paid millions of dollars for something that everyone else got for free.
Because Wu-Tang Clan ain't nuthin' ta fuck with.
"Make Germany great again" sounds less appropriate than "Make America great again".
You know history and stuff. In 2017 we have Bundestag elections and there is a party that may use this statement...
Gov. Rick Snyder should be required to live in Flint, Michigan until the leaded water situation is fixed; that would sure speed things up
And he wouldn't be allowed to drink bottled water either.
The ancient world was probably very blurry to a lot of people.
Before prescription eyeglasses the ancient world was probably out of focus for many people.
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Statistically, over 700 redditors die every day.
Number of reddit users: 36,000,000
Yearly Mortality Rate: ~0.8% of world population
Daily Mortality Rate: 0.008/365 = 0.0000219
36,000,000 * 0.0000219 = 789
RIP.
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
It's depressing that we live in a time when I can see a child freezing and looking miserable walking to school but I can't offer a ride without fear of potentially being labeled a creep or worse.
My drive to work goes right by two elementary schools and it has been a particularly cold week.
I am likely the very first generation in my family - going back thousands of years - to shave my balls more often than I shave my face.
You could call that optimism, I suppose
People from the North probably walk faster because they want to get out of the cold. People in the South probably walk slower because they don't want to work up a sweat.
Any Anthropologists have a boner to confirm or deny this?
If guns were never invented, swords would have advanced into lightsabers by now.
I mean, think about it. Pretty soon we'll have ray guns... If our main weapon was still a sword, we would soon have lightsabers.
If Leonardo Dicaprio wasn't white the fact he has never won an Oscar would be blamed on his race.
If Leonardo Dicaprio wasn't white the fact he has never won an Oscar would be blamed on his race.
Edit: I've seen a few comments saying he wouldn't have those roles if he was black. My point here is that his performances have been amazing in every role and I don't think any other actor would be able to perform in those roles the way he did. However the fact that he hasn't won an Oscar yet would be a bigger deal if he wasn't white.
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
An onion forces you to cry over it's dead body.
EDIT: Everyone on this fucking subreddit is on drugs.
I LOVE IT.
I can waste hundreds, even thousands, hours of humanity's time with a single post on Reddit.
One post, and you have people spending time commenting, reading comments, viewing, sharing, and saving the post to read later.
Powerful feeling.
Shows like Friends and HIMYM have given me unrealistic expectations of what my friendships should be like now that I'm in my mid twenties
Had kids when I was 20 and my friends just really didn't know how to deal with being around them so we drifted apart
Monday, January 25, 2016
Americans have to be 420 months old to become president.
35 years times 12 months a year equals 420 months.
When famous youtubers die their children will have thousands of hours of film of their beloved parent
This is kinda morbid, kinda beautiful
Taylor Swift is now the other girl from her song "You Belong With Me."
Especially after you've listened to "Blank Space." She wears short skirts and high heels now.
Sunday, January 24, 2016
"IT Guy" is the most vague, but common, job title that people accept universally at face value.
I've got two friends who both say they are "IT Guys". One has a GED and resets forgotten passwords all day; The other had a masters degree and keeps the systems for a 125 employee company running single-handedly.
Saturday, January 23, 2016
Friday, January 22, 2016
I once logged out of MySpace unaware of the fact I'll never sign back in
Facebook just isn't the same
Elon Musk is so efficient, he only had sex with his wife twice to get 5 sons.
1 set of twins and 1 set of triplets.
As cars become quieter and more electric, crossing the street will become even more dangerous
Especially if your blind and can't look both ways...
I wonder how many miles my thumb has scrolled on my phone.
Probably more than my fat ass should be walking...
Thursday, January 21, 2016
As a mother, presumably everyone living in your house has been in your vagina.
For the traditional family.
I bet the top 1% of Redditors have more karma and gold than the entire bottom 50% combined
Can't help but think income equality works in a similar way.
With 7 BILLION people on earth, they should remove safety warnings from EVERYTHING to thin the crowds a bit.
If you need a label to tell you that putting your hand in an active blender is dumb or drinking bleach is moronic maybe... maybe you deserve your fate. Also, MAYBE this is modern natural selection being thwarted?
My phone when I'm bored is like my fridge when I'm hungry.
I just open it and look around and nothing gets accomplished.
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
We, as a species, have evolved and advanced so far that we have created an enormous, specialized science to medically treat other animals, many of which are just around because we like them. That's fascinating as tits
It makes sense, to think of it on an evolutionary timeline: keep cows and herding dogs healthy to get more use from them, but it's gone so far past that at this point.
I just watched a video where a vet and crew knocked out and stitched up a lioness that was gored by some big ass horned animal in the Serengeti, because otherwise nature would have like, happened. Shit, that's so cool.
The saying "9 to 5 type job" needs to be updated to "8 to 5 type job" for a more accurate reflection of what working in Corporate America is like.
I've worked at 3 Major companies in my short 10 year career. Every one of them was 8-5, but of course I got there at 7:30 and left at 6.
Redbox would make more money if they put machines in apartment complex offices.
I would rent many more movies if my apartment complex office had a Redbox machine in it. I would never be late to return the blu ray and I'd be able to see movies that I didn't get to see in the theater. I could just walk to the machine. My fiance and I use Netflix and we also have a discount theater nearby whenever we can't see something at the Alamo Drafthouse. We watch a ton of movies. We just rented a movie from Redbox the other day and we kept getting notifications to return it. It would be easier and a pretty cool perk if my apartment complex office had a Redbox in it. Maybe it's just me, but I think the demographic is there.
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
If I were to enter a room filled with everyone who's ever had feelings for me, would I be surprised at who I saw?
Bonus thought: Assuming the people in the room don't know what they're doing there, would they be able to figure it out?
The most iconic villan in Indiana Jones is a large rock.
Edit: The most iconic antagonist in Indiana Jones is a large rock.
In 15 years, manual and automatic will mean to very different things in cars.
two* How change in title?
Monday, January 18, 2016
I'm raising my son on Netflix, and so far he has not been exposed to one iota of advertising, and has no idea what the 'cool' toys are.
NEXT CHRISTMAS, ALL THE TOYS ARE COOLuntilhegoestoschool
Sunday, January 17, 2016
70 million people could die at once and we'd still have over 99% of the world's population left.
If 4 billion people died we would just be back to the population level we had in 1960.
Saturday, January 16, 2016
If 666 is evil, does that mean that 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil?
I don't understand this weird mathematics.
The humans in Star Trek have ancestors who once watched and loved Star Wars.
This just occurred to me.
If a World War 3 happens, it would get really awkward online as we are able to talk with our enemies
Unless, of course, governments could easily block foreign sites/people. Someone who is more "techy", is this easily possible? Someone who is more "law-y", would that be legal in the USA?
Friday, January 15, 2016
Thursday, January 14, 2016
There should be a dog toy hidden inside each dog food bag just like there were toys in Cracker Jack boxes.
I mean it makes sense right?!
We need a rival planet.
Think about it—when we were in high school, no matter what social drama was going on (Sally and Brian breaking up, the stoners getting caught behind the gym, that fight between the emo kids and the goth kids at the end of 4th period), on Friday night at the football game, everyone from your school banded together and rooted against that shitty school from the next town over. Your school kicked ass, but that other school suuuuuuuucked. Fast forward to college—new environment, same routine, same social conditioning. “Screw that other school! They suck, their fans suck, anything and everything associated with that other school is pure garbage.” Ahh, but then came the Olympics, when suddenly towns didn't matter, states made no difference, all that we cared about was — “U.S.A. … U.S.A. … U.S.A.! Screw Canada! Screw Europe! Screw Brazil! Screw China! Jamaica…well Jamaica is cool, but screw everyone else! You too Australia.” So it looks like all that’s missing is another planet for us deranged humans to root against. We need an interplanetary Olympics. Suddenly our ridiculous Earth borders won’t matter anymore. No more petty arguments about our trivial and delusional perceived differences—Nationality? Race? Religion? College? Local high school? Who gives a shit?! It’s us against them. Team Earth, fuck yea!” We can all get decked out in our Earth jerseys and Earth merchandise (which will be a great boost to our planets economy), we can come up with some clever Earth chants, we can even make a bunch of “Xynafar Sucks” and “Xynafarians are Douchebags” memes. We can rag on how their solar system has less planets than ours, how their water is too salty, how their moon is so small, how old and fat their host star is…hell, we might even start taking pride in our planet and treating it with respect—or maybe I’m just a dreamer (…but I’m not the only one). Maybe we’ll begin to view ourselves as Earthlings again, as humans again. So lets all come together as one, hand in hand, peaceful and prideful, like the kickass humans that we are, wearing our “Earth Rules, Xynafar Drools” t-shirts, and give this global peace thing a try. You in?
At least three people won the Powerball, I belive that there should only be one winner. I say we put the three winners into a pit and make them fight until only survives, we can put it on PPV and call it PowerBrawl...
At least three people won the Powerball, I belive that there should only be one winner. I say we put the three winners into a pit and make them fight until only one survives, we can put it on PPV and call it PowerBrawl...
After the apocalypse, the Amish will be the most technologically advanced people on earth with the best quality of life.
If they survive long enough for the oil to run out I suppose.
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
"When God closes a door, he opens a window". Clearly God doesn't pay heating bills.
Otherwise he wouldn't be opening windows willy-nilly just because the door is closed.
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Since George Lucas had nothing to do with the new Star Wars, the film is technically fan fiction.
Also, it seems to be a remake of Episode 4.
A bachelor party is more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
... or at least a good one is ...
The winning lottery ticket will be the most valuable thing, by weight, that's ever existed.
Roughly $2 Billion / gram.
Monday, January 11, 2016
Powerball odds are about 1 in 290,000,000. The odds that you beat out all the other sperm cells to fertilize your mothers egg is about 1 in 250,000,000. All of us have already won the powerball by simply existing.
Also, you can take this back to previous generations, and the chances that you exist in the form you see today are so infinitely small, it's ridiculous!
Movie theaters should sell "limited edition" merchandise (tshirts, posters, figurines, comics, games...) in a gift shop for profit rather than charging $5 water or $15 popcorn
I spent $5 on water. I could've paid 3 and got Starbucks. How does that make any goddamn sense?
Here's my idea: Star Wars opening night. First showing lets out. Gift shop is on the exit. Limited edition screen print. Maybe even theater specific prints. Charge, $5 to Moon money, whatever people are willing to pay for collectibles. Profit goes up and maybe the price could come down on $14 popcorn back to more acceptable number. And a $5 water to 99¢ or what a machine would cost.
I think this would help attendance for opening nights for big block busters and maybe help recover profit loss from pirating since all these collectibles would have to licensed and royalties as well. This isn't really a perfected idea but would love to discuss and use this idea to help :)
Sorry for any grammar issues.
There should be a subreddit where new adults go to ask old adults how to do adult things.
A place to ask how to do taxes, how to take out a loan, what to look for when buying a house, etc.
Things you'd usually call your parents for, but for people that don't have that option.
Quitting a job because you aren't being paid enough should be called a Wage Quit
If I had sunglasses, I'd be taking them off
Sunday, January 10, 2016
The lottery is a great example of how if everyone just pitched in a couple dollars, how much money could be accumulated to get something big done.
Or get a lot of boats filled with coke.
If there are infinite universes, there's one in which coin flips always result in heads and a scientist is deemed as crazy for saying there's a 50% chance that a coin flip results in tails.
Idk how this even got into my mind.
Edit:
Ok guys I get it just because there are infinite universes doesn't mean that any possibility can happen, chill out it's a shower thought not a math lesson
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