Sunday, January 31, 2016

The biggest scapegoat ever is definitely the Devil

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The phrase "Don't you dare" is actually the phrase "Do not you dare". And that confuses me.

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I'm hard pressed to find anything more annoying than trying to put socks on, when my feet are slightly wet.

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No one will ever know the voice you think you have

made an acct just for this



Downvoting a post on the front page is like trying to kill a whale with a needle

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When FDR repealed the 18th amendment he said "I think now would be a good time for a beer" I wonder if the president who repeals marijuana will say "I think now is a good time for a joint"

Ken Burns documentary on prohibition is on Netflix...it's so good.



While growing up, the Bermuda Triangle seemed like a real threat for a while there.

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I've gotten out of bed every day for 18 years. That's 6,570 sit-ups and I don't have one ab to show for it.

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Working out is just tricking your body into thinking your life is harder than it actually is

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The United States now has several territories paying taxes without receiving federal representation - exactly the reason we rebelled against England.

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As an American, I've never seen something marked "Made in Russia"

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Women are born with all the eggs they'll ever have. So though I was born in the 1980s, I've existed since the 1950s.

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Statistically speaking, I think it's safe to say that there's at least one serial killer on reddit

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Being attractive is the real life equivalent of playing life on "easy mode"

Edit:i just want to let you guys know i'm not saying this is always the case , and this is coming from a really average looking guy.sometimes it does sometimes it doesn't.



I wonder if there's a towing company owned by a set of twins called The Twin Towers.

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Getting a speeding ticket is like paying for all the time you've saved from speeding.

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Growing up marijuana was seen as a gateway drug for harder drugs but, ironically, Chuck E. Cheese was never seen as a gateway for gambling.

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The first person to eat eggs probably ate a lot of other weird shit.

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Diabetes sounds like the name of a mythological Greek hero.

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I have an undergrad degree in math. I wonder how far back in time I have to go to be considered the world's greatest mathematician

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Many people say kids are impressionable, but there are some adults who actually believe you can burn in hell for all eternity simply by reading a book about a fictional boy wizard

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One day, my grandchildren will light up a joint after dinner. I'll say, "When I was your age, they'd have thrown me in jail for that." They'll laugh and say how silly that is.

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"Guys don't like smart girls" is the female equivalent of "girls only like jerks" and neither is accurate.

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If you steal a pen from a bank you just robbed a bank.

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To a dog, farts are just long distance handshakes.

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Saturday, January 30, 2016

My biggest takeaway from the "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" song is that despite delivering toys to children all across the globe once a year for centuries, Santa Clause nonetheless didn't have a contingency plan for fog in the month of December.

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Hotel maids probably hate Feb 15th as much as retail employees hate Black Friday?

Didn't mean to include the stupid question mark



A blind person must have a really low electricity bill.

They never have to turn on the lights and there is a probably a lot of visual entertainment that they do not use.



if your hand was 12 inches long, it would be a foot.

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Writing is, by definition, the first invention in recorded history.

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We don't give the people who browse the New section enough credit for finding us all of the good posts.

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Reddit is a social network for people who hate social networks.

See title



Deadpool should "leak" the movie but have it like it is being recorded in a theatre with Deadpool in the middle of the camera watching the movie but covering the action and saying absurd things making it hard to see or hear the movie

Similar to Rifftrax or their old show Mystery Science Theatre in terms of banter



I only have left two minutes to live, but that clock resets every time I take a breath.

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The American flags on the moon would now be bleached white because of the sun. We've basically told alien life we've surrendered.

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There should be a browser extension that changed famous names to "woman", "guy" or "human" to show how useless and ridiculous celebrity news is

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Birth control pills should be for men, it makes more sense to unload the gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.

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I wonder if the voice I give my Dog is accurate

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I'm a lot better at rationing and budgeting in video games than I am in real life

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We'll never be able to call space money "Star Bucks".

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Being able to sleep in doesn't translate to more sleep, it just lets me stay up later.

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If I ever formed a Christian-rock band, I'd probably call it AC/BC.

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There's way less public bathroom graffiti these days due to the advent of pooping with a smartphone in hand.

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If towns like Shitterton, England, or Fucking, Austria, sold replicas of their signs in a tourist center, they'd not only have to not worry about theft of signage, but they'd also likely end up with a decent amount of profit.

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I'm an organ donor. If I die tomorrow, my death will be cause for major celebration for a total stranger.

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Hundreds of years ago, mankind would have loved being able to preserve food for weeks. Now people only want fresh food.

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It would be satisfying to see Alex Trebek go on Jeopardy as a contestant and just get absolutely smoked.

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Chuck E Cheese is a casino for children

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Friday, January 29, 2016

The song Old McDonald is sung in the past tense, but nothing is ever mentioned of why he no longer has his farm.

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They should make "college porn", in which all the actors and actresses lines are actual college study guides for specific courses.

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What if Kanye is naming his album Waves because he actually is a Gay Fish

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We are all just one hit away from being one hit wonders.

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The Jackass crew should get together for a Christmas special where they recreate the traps from Home Alone 1 & 2.

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I only use about 3% of toilet paper for wiping my ass, the rest is just for not getting shit on my hands.

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Pizza delivery men are just long distance waiters.

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if we found ants as they exist here on earth, on another planet, we'd consider them a civilization

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Wu-Tang Clan should release "Once Upon A Time In Shaolin" for free, making Martin Shkreli the one person who paid millions of dollars for something that everyone else got for free.

Because Wu-Tang Clan ain't nuthin' ta fuck with.



"Make Germany great again" sounds less appropriate than "Make America great again".

You know history and stuff. In 2017 we have Bundestag elections and there is a party that may use this statement...



To dogs we are like magical elves who live like 600 years

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I've never subscribed to a youtube channel by clicking on the "subscribe now" button at the end of the video

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Gov. Rick Snyder should be required to live in Flint, Michigan until the leaded water situation is fixed; that would sure speed things up

And he wouldn't be allowed to drink bottled water either.



There should be a "My Bad" indicator on cars for when you know you fucked up

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The ancient world was probably very blurry to a lot of people.

Before prescription eyeglasses the ancient world was probably out of focus for many people.



If deep space is anything like the deep ocean, the aliens are going to look horrifying

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I wonder if, in past times, the space on Earth currently being occupied by my kitchen was the site of an epic life-or-death battle between two giant dinosaurs.

I like to think it happened.



My penis must think I have a shit-ton of kids.

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r/ShowerThoughts is everything I hoped Twitter would be when Twitter first started.

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At 11:11:11 on 11/11/1111 no one had a clock accurate enough to care

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I've gone a full year, maybe even two, without thinking about the state of Delaware.

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Vegans eating food that tastes like meat are like lesbians having sex with a strapon.

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Thursday, January 28, 2016

Whoever designed the headphone jack really knocked it out of the park. Universal compatibility for several decades now.

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Teens claiming they were "born in the wrong generation" Because of music being better in the past were actually born in the only generation with easy and almost free access to music from past generations.

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Maybe the best way to discourage teens from doing drugs would be to have the really uncool adults talk about how awesome and fun drugs are.

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Now that I'm an adult, if I ever found a portal to Narnia in my closet I would probably start storing things in Narnia. I imagine building a large storage shed on Narnia property. I wonder if zoning would be an issue...

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There's probably a janitor at Area 51 who's seen everything.

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At 31, I am older than every dog in the world.

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Cutting off one of your legs decreases your BMI, but when you cut off the other one it shoots way up again

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At some point, someone has seen me as a "suggested friend" on FB and thought "man, fck that guy."

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My dog keeps bringing me the same toy. I wonder if that is his favorite toy, or if he thinks it is my favorite toy.

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Ted Mosby of "How I Met Your Mother" has no problem giving intimate details of his sexual history to his children, yet refuses to admit to them that he used to smoke weed.

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My imaginary friend has a real friend.

I don't actually have one, but if I did..



When people say their dog is their best friend it's normal but when people say their cat is their best friend I assume they're insane and lonely

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In Pokémon, you win money after every trainer you battle. I wonder if the story is less about an adventurous boy, and more about a gambling fiend addicted to pimping out his animals for cash.

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Statistically, over 700 redditors die every day.

Number of reddit users: 36,000,000

Yearly Mortality Rate: ~0.8% of world population

Daily Mortality Rate: 0.008/365 = 0.0000219

36,000,000 * 0.0000219 = 789

RIP.



You give a penny for someone's thoughts and in return they give you their 2 cents. You're profiting a penny each time

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"World's Greatest Dad" mugs are probably a bit more competitive in gay households.

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Kidnapping sounds very innocent if you have no idea what it means

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The first human to hear a parrot speak probably had a hard time convincing his mates

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For a website that's 90% reposts, Reddit cares a lot when a comedian steals a joke.

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Give a man a fish he'll eat for a day, give a man a poisoned fish he'll eat for the rest of his life

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The Anteater is so badass that its official name is the killer of another species.

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Porn is to sex what Kung Fu movies are to fighting . There's a lot more screaming , weird positions and techniques than you'll ever see in real life

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I'm awed that two servings of pasta can be made, packaged, shipped thousands of miles, bought and resold to me for $0.18 each. Yet one stamp is $0.49.

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If "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is true, old people should be fucking ripped.

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I'd watch a reality tv show where 4chan people and tumblr people are stranded on an island and have to work together to survive.

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In Space Jam, Marvin the Martian is the referee precisely because he's both a Looney Tune and a Space Alien.

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As a child, I was always afraid of teenagers. As a teenager, I was afraid of other teenagers. As someone who has graduated high school, I am still afraid of teenagers. Teenagers will never not be scary.

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Instead of all the prequel and sequel movies coming out, they should start making equels - films shot in the same time period as the original film, but from an entirely different perspective

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Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Beauty & the Beast 2 should just be 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.

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When you turn 30, you'll have lived about a full month of your life as your birthday.

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That coach in the movie air bud would have felt pretty silly if they had lost the game after putting a dog in.

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It's depressing that we live in a time when I can see a child freezing and looking miserable walking to school but I can't offer a ride without fear of potentially being labeled a creep or worse.

My drive to work goes right by two elementary schools and it has been a particularly cold week.



The only reason I check my voicemail is to get rid of the voicemail notification on my phone.

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I am likely the very first generation in my family - going back thousands of years - to shave my balls more often than I shave my face.

You could call that optimism, I suppose



Can we please collectively change the name from hoverboards, to segboards? You know, cuz its like a fucking segway?

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D.A.R.E. was the most important class I had in elementary school because it explained how adults were perfectly comfortable lying to me

It explained Marketing 101.



I have no problem letting my mouth fill with saliva, then swallowing it. If you asked me to spit into a clean glass and pour it back into my mouth, however, I'd probably vomit.

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My dog and I are best friends despite sharing almost no interests.

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No matter how bad you were hurt, you're eventually going to have to trust a fart again.

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People from the North probably walk faster because they want to get out of the cold. People in the South probably walk slower because they don't want to work up a sweat.

Any Anthropologists have a boner to confirm or deny this?



Whenever I need to spell 'beautiful' I always think back to Bruce Almighty.

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If guns were never invented, swords would have advanced into lightsabers by now.

I mean, think about it. Pretty soon we'll have ray guns... If our main weapon was still a sword, we would soon have lightsabers.



I procrastinate way too much on reddit when i should be playing computer games

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Girls can't find their hairclip, but they remember what you said exactly 2 yrs ago at 2:13am

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Since some people surprisingly still think Earth is flat, someone should offer a multimillion dollar prize to the first person thats finds its edge, uprooting these people to prevent them from slowing down the progress of mankind any further.

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Every washing machine should come with a dirty laundry basket that's the same size as the machine's capacity

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Big Bang Theory would be more passable if they didn't use Alienware products

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If Leonardo Dicaprio wasn't white the fact he has never won an Oscar would be blamed on his race.

If Leonardo Dicaprio wasn't white the fact he has never won an Oscar would be blamed on his race.

Edit: I've seen a few comments saying he wouldn't have those roles if he was black. My point here is that his performances have been amazing in every role and I don't think any other actor would be able to perform in those roles the way he did. However the fact that he hasn't won an Oscar yet would be a bigger deal if he wasn't white.



"Emoticons" sound like a group of sensitive Transformers

Optimus Inferior, dumbleblee



Books are dead tattooed trees.

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If I stand between my parents, we become a human ven diagram.

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If God created man, than the existence of the male prostate orgasm is nearly indisputable evidence of God's approval of homosexuality.

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Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Countdowns in movies are as inaccurate as countdowns for installs/downloads.

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My present self wants me to do my work later, but my future self wants me to do it right now.

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I'd like to see a Forrest Gump sequel about his incredibly intelligent son, who has miserable luck and constantly finds himself in bleak situations.

So...the opposite of Forrest Gump.



I always felt bad that the rabbit never got any trix and I hated the kids for it.

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An onion forces you to cry over it's dead body.

EDIT: Everyone on this fucking subreddit is on drugs.

I LOVE IT.



If a website can detect that I'm using AdBlock, and put up a banner asking me to disable it, why can't they put an ad where that banner is?

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Fear of Islamic extremists is ruining America far quicker than Islamic extremists themselves could even dream to

Trump 2015! /s



"50% of Canada is the letter 'A'."

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I've never heard anyone ask "Are you calling me a liar?", who wasn't blatantly lying about something

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I can waste hundreds, even thousands, hours of humanity's time with a single post on Reddit.

One post, and you have people spending time commenting, reading comments, viewing, sharing, and saving the post to read later.

Powerful feeling.



People go to college mostly so they can shower before their jobs instead of after.

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Clapping is just hitting yourself because you like something.

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When you say 'forward' or 'back' your lips move in those directions.

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"Glue sticks" is a name for a construction utensil but also just a fact.

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Shows like Friends and HIMYM have given me unrealistic expectations of what my friendships should be like now that I'm in my mid twenties

Had kids when I was 20 and my friends just really didn't know how to deal with being around them so we drifted apart



We judge the quality of seafood by how little it tastes like seafood.

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Everytime I go to the Dentist, they give me tips on how to lower their income.

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Cracking my knuckles is an ability that has a cool down time

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Facebook is like Reddit's friend from school that steals all their jokes and gets a bigger laugh even though they told them wrong.

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I think my SO will see this when he's pooping.

I am proud of him.



Cats have no fucking idea they're on the Internet.

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"Is it a solid or is it a gas?" - A fun game to play in a Chemistry class, but not so fun to play in your pants...

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A watch pronounces its own time of death.

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A gun is just an advanced system for throwing a rock

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As an only child, I have been a third wheel and often a cock block to my parents my entire life.

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Monday, January 25, 2016

As a 30yr old gamer with less & less time to game as adult life gets in the way, the prospect of being confined to a retirement home one day appeals hugely - as long as I have an Internet-enabled PC.

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Americans have to be 420 months old to become president.

35 years times 12 months a year equals 420 months.



I hate it when I offer someone food and they accept it

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In the song "I just can't wait to be king", Simba is really singing that he wants his dad to die

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The most accurate part of Age of Ultron was where Ultron decided to destroy the human race after just a few minutes on the internet.

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As you scroll back through someone's Facebook timeline, their profile picture thumbnail next to each post should change to be the profile picture they had when they posted. Things I said at 14 should be next to a picture of me at that age.

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A Jedi could masturbate hands free.

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Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics

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The older I get the more I envy Homer Simpson. He owns a 4bd house, has a loving and supportive wife, and job security.

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"I for one, like Roman Numerals" is a sentence that describes Roman Numerals and tells you how I feel about them.

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There should be a "rule of thumb" applied to mobile ads. If you can't click it closed, it should be illegal.

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Photoshop is the worst skill to list on a dating website

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When famous youtubers die their children will have thousands of hours of film of their beloved parent

This is kinda morbid, kinda beautiful



There has never been a time where I was happy that iTunes opened itself

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My wife just went back to school which means I'm having sex with a college girl.

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When I was a kid, I thought that as an adult it would be cool to be able to eat ice cream for breakfast. Now as an adult that is exactly what I do and it's awesome.

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Disney/Pixar movies about animals always increase sales of those breeds. They should research the most difficult breeds for shelters to re-home and make a movie about them.

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I want to salute all the hungry humans who died figuring out what was and wasn't edible

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Cats probably think we are cleaning our ice cream

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Taylor Swift is now the other girl from her song "You Belong With Me."

Especially after you've listened to "Blank Space." She wears short skirts and high heels now.



If you say "God is great" in English nobody will bat an eye, but as soon as you say it in Arabic everybody loses their shit.

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Of all the billions of people out there, I am the one who has your attention.

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It's ironic that people usually show their driver licenses to buy alcohol.

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Sunday, January 24, 2016

What if your dog one day just randomly said "Nobody is going to believe you" and never spoke again.

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Reddit comments and posts have remarkably low rates of grammatical and spelling errors.

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What I like about reddit is that you can be a 18 year old nobody and still talk with some stranger that can be highly skilled in his/hers field - in reality you wouldn't be able to have such casual conversations

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If a lesbian became president, would her wife be the Second Lady?

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Saying "I'm a vegetarian, but I eat chicken and fish" is like saying "I'm a virgin, but I have anal sex."

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Antarctica must be the continent with highest average IQ, as everyone there is a scientist.

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Taking a picture of your food is like taking a "before" picture of your shit

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"IT Guy" is the most vague, but common, job title that people accept universally at face value.

I've got two friends who both say they are "IT Guys". One has a GED and resets forgotten passwords all day; The other had a masters degree and keeps the systems for a 125 employee company running single-handedly.



You can't spell Chipotle without E Coli

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The "Try Again" button has never fixed any error I've had on a computer

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"Be Like Bill" meme was about not being annoyed by things online. The "Be Like Bill" meme maker is making the rounds now and it's making people be really annoying online.

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My standard of living is far greater than that of a king in medieval times.

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Toilets are perfectly designed to act as fart amplifiers

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High school is useless if you graduate, but if you don't, it's the most important thing in the world.

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Some people alive today will eventually have to start calling the 90s the "1990s."

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Froot Loops are gay cheerios

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Lurking on Reddit is like being the weird kid in class that listens in on everyone else's conversations without ever joining in

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I didn't exist in your world until you started reading this Showerthought

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The price of gumballs from gumball machines has been remarkably stable in the face of inflation.

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In a movie, when the sexy protagonist has sex he takes off his shirt but when the creepy antagonist has sex they show him unzip his pants.

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Reddit is the only place where reading the comments of the article instead of actually reading the article is beneficial.

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If you get your tongue stuck in a mouse trap, you would pronounce it "mouth trap" which is what it would be.

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In Star Wars Episode Two, Sam Jackson kills Jango Fett. In Django Unchained, Django kills Sam Jackson

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Saturday, January 23, 2016

A life-long gay guy, if born by c-section, will never touch a vagina.

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When I'm showering I like to hold out my arm and let the water shoot off of my finger tips. I pretend that I'm a superhero and my ability is to summon water on command

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If bill gates lost $1mil at a casino, he could buy the casino to get his money back.

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Why is vanilla the default ice-cream flavour?

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The President is a work from home Dad.

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When I was a kid I liked movies that showed the hero as some kind of 'Chosen One', as I considered myself some sort of exception to the rule. As I grew older I started relating more to the common nobody who ended up becoming the hero more since I realized how ordinary I actually was.

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Google/Youtube would be so good at matching people to their soulmates. Maybe they should run an online dating site.

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We go our entire live's forgetting names, forgetting faces, forgetting places we've been to, forgetting where we left things.. but as soon as we see something we've seen on reddit before we're like, "REPOST!!"

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The front page of Reddit is like a party to which I am always late.

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can vegans swallow sperm when giving a blowjob? Sperm if technically animal product

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Taking medicine when you're sick is essentially your body electing to hire mercenaries to fight the war for you.

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If The Revenant wins the Best Visual Effects Oscar this year and Leonardo DiCaprio doesn't end up winning Best Actor, then that means the Bear has won an Oscar and Leo hasn't

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Reddit cares more about Leonardo's Oscar than Leonardo does.

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We trust dentists to pick our toothpaste, but they make more money if our teeth are bad.

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If I were to kill a murderer, there would be the same number of murderers left in the world.

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Growing up doesn't mean that the teenage angst stops, you just stop making a scene about it because you realise nobody cares.

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I personally think I was born in the right generation. I live in a time where I can pull up any classical work I want, and listen to it as much as I want.

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We should name the new planet Pluto and act like nothing ever happened

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I have a pharmacist friend who jokes about being a drug dealer whenever he is asked about his profession. I also have a drug dealer friend who jokes about being a pharmacist.

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We have the ability to build stealth aircrafts but my neighbor's lawnmower sounds like a god damn apache.

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Friday, January 22, 2016

Labor is 9 months of missed periods all at once

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I've never seen my friends so upset at celebrities death as they have been about David Bowie, yet in all my years I never heard any of them play his music even once.

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I once logged out of MySpace unaware of the fact I'll never sign back in

Facebook just isn't the same



The feeling of satisfaction while turning in a paper you pulled an all-nighter to finish is like achieving an academic orgasm

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Skin color will determine whether or not people go as Finn or Poe for Halloween. Same jacket, different characters.

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Now that I'm an atheist, I say "Jesus Christ" more often than when I was a Christian.

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Elon Musk is so efficient, he only had sex with his wife twice to get 5 sons.

1 set of twins and 1 set of triplets.



If a criminal sentenced to life in prison dies, but is resuscitated, does his life sentence end since technically his life ended?

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One good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbors.

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If 1% of Reddit gave me $1, my college loan would be paid off

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What if Earth is the North Korea of the Galaxy?

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My junk mail folder is everything I wish my inbox would be. Women wanting to have sex with me, people wanting to give me money, and cheap drugs.

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It's terrifying when a cleaning product says it kills 99.99% of bacteria. That means the only thing left to breed is the .01% super germs.

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Today I beat my high score of most consecutive days lived.

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As cars become quieter and more electric, crossing the street will become even more dangerous

Especially if your blind and can't look both ways...



Wearing earphones at the gym is sometimes less about listening to your own music, and more about blocking out the terrible music they play.

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When I try to picture the early 1900s in my mind it's always in black and white

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Nobody thinks you have a gambling problem if you win all the time.

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Prose and cons would make a great name for a poetry program in prison

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I wonder how many miles my thumb has scrolled on my phone.

Probably more than my fat ass should be walking...



Hearing about what you did drunk is great because you're the main character in a story you've never heard.

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I'm sick and went to the store to get Mucinex. My wife asked me to get her tampons and our kid diapers. My whole family has sprung a leak of sorts.

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People in the real world work out to get laid. People in prison work out to NOT get laid.

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A bowling alley is the only place you'll see an older person explaining the computer to a younger person.

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Technically, you are a one person human pyramid, and no one can ever take that away from you.

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I want to see an advertisement for a prescription drug that has a long list of nasty side effects where the actor starts experiencing them one by one.

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It's 2016, why aren't Pringle cans spring loaded.

I can't fit my hand in the can.



Thursday, January 21, 2016

I always thought keeping someone " in check" was like with a checklist, but it makes more sense if it's meant like a chess move

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As a mother, presumably everyone living in your house has been in your vagina.

For the traditional family.



When someone asks me what's up, I instantly forget everything that has happened in my life since the last time I saw them

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If there was an equivalent to Reddit gold where you would pay $5 to ban someone from a subreddit for a month, it would sell way better than Reddit gold.

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You'll never know if you lose Russian Roulette.

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I bet the top 1% of Redditors have more karma and gold than the entire bottom 50% combined

Can't help but think income equality works in a similar way.



David Bowie died, and a week later we have a new planet. I think he actually was from outer space.

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Let's name the new planet Pluto, and keep going like nothing happened.

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With 7 BILLION people on earth, they should remove safety warnings from EVERYTHING to thin the crowds a bit.

If you need a label to tell you that putting your hand in an active blender is dumb or drinking bleach is moronic maybe... maybe you deserve your fate. Also, MAYBE this is modern natural selection being thwarted?



I can drink 10 alcoholic cola mixed drinks every weekend without a second thought but whenever I drink a normal can of coke I feel like a fat fuck

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As a man, the less attracted I am to a woman I'm having sex with, the longer I last with her and the more I'm able to please her.

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I assume every user on Reddit is a dude until they mention they're a girl ... and then I assume they're a dude lying about being a girl.

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Taking a break with your SO is the real life equivalent of "try turning it off, and switching it on again,"

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My phone when I'm bored is like my fridge when I'm hungry.

I just open it and look around and nothing gets accomplished.



As a child, the concept of having a favourite color seemed more important than it turned out to be.

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Using the flashlight on my 1% charged phone to find the charger is basically the premise of Suicide Squad.

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Sleeping in an extra 30 minutes is amazing, but going to bed 30 minutes early is not.

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From an evolutionary standpoint, the fact that we have to spend approximately one-third of every day unconscious in order to rehabilitate is pathetic.

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Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk, it is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.

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Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Instead of "asking reddit", you can google it and make a TIL post

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What if magic is real... and all these rockers dying are actually horcruxes. Someone is destroying them so they can take out Keith Richards.

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Trains are just very boring roller coasters.

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The fatter a chef is, the more I trust their cooking skills. Unless they're cooking meth, then it's the opposite.

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As a kid I got excited when I heard the ice cream truck. Now it's when I hear the UPS truck.

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There should be a reality TV show where youtube commenters who claim to be better than the person in the video are forced to either challenge the expert or admit they were wrong.

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We need to increase space funding. Muffins made in space could float in the middle of an oven and be spheres - entirely muffin-top consistency.

Fuck muffin bottoms.



The fact that since our skins weren't warm enough, we stole the skins of other animals and wore them instead, is pretty creepy.

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A 1st edition trading card is priceless but a 1st edition college textbook is worthless

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The Deadpool post-credits scene should just be Wade eating schwarma with cardboard cutouts of the X-men.

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Stan Lee's cameo in Avengers 2 should have been him as a janitor in Stark Tower and he lifts Mjolnir so he can dust under it

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When I watch poledancing, I'm more amazed by their body strength rather than the erotic aspect of the act.

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We, as a species, have evolved and advanced so far that we have created an enormous, specialized science to medically treat other animals, many of which are just around because we like them. That's fascinating as tits

It makes sense, to think of it on an evolutionary timeline: keep cows and herding dogs healthy to get more use from them, but it's gone so far past that at this point.

I just watched a video where a vet and crew knocked out and stitched up a lioness that was gored by some big ass horned animal in the Serengeti, because otherwise nature would have like, happened. Shit, that's so cool.



I wish porn had a category called no annoying distracting music.

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One morning I'll wake up,open Reddit and find out my country is at war

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We teach children that violence is never the answer, and then make them read about the wars in school that gave them the freedom we have today.

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For a country that has all of the coffee beans and cocaine, Brazil doesn't get as much shit done as you think they would.

Title



What if the bumps on our nipples are braille and everyone has a secret message.

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The saying "9 to 5 type job" needs to be updated to "8 to 5 type job" for a more accurate reflection of what working in Corporate America is like.

I've worked at 3 Major companies in my short 10 year career. Every one of them was 8-5, but of course I got there at 7:30 and left at 6.



I woke up this morning and when I opened Reddit I thought, "well, let's see who's died today."

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Redbox would make more money if they put machines in apartment complex offices.

I would rent many more movies if my apartment complex office had a Redbox machine in it. I would never be late to return the blu ray and I'd be able to see movies that I didn't get to see in the theater. I could just walk to the machine. My fiance and I use Netflix and we also have a discount theater nearby whenever we can't see something at the Alamo Drafthouse. We watch a ton of movies. We just rented a movie from Redbox the other day and we kept getting notifications to return it. It would be easier and a pretty cool perk if my apartment complex office had a Redbox in it. Maybe it's just me, but I think the demographic is there.



You all have much more interesting showers than I do.

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I wish there was a Facebook feature to "Hide this person for one month"... Give them a time out for being annoying without writing them off entirely.

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"iPod!" Is exactly the same upsidedown

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If your asscrack was horizontal, it would make a clapping noise whenever you went up/down stairs.

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Tuesday, January 19, 2016

There should be a button on the back of the tv that makes the remote beep.

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If I were to enter a room filled with everyone who's ever had feelings for me, would I be surprised at who I saw?

Bonus thought: Assuming the people in the room don't know what they're doing there, would they be able to figure it out?



The most iconic villan in Indiana Jones is a large rock.

Edit: The most iconic antagonist in Indiana Jones is a large rock.



How many miles has my thumb scrolled?

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Buying a new computer online is like asking your current girlfriend to set you up with her more attractive friend.

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Having the last name of Down and trying to be a police officer would make the job highly inconvenient for your coworkers.

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The final Die Hard movie should be titled "Old Habits Die Hard"

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I'd never buy a used mattress, but sleeping in a hotel doesn't bother me at all.

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Eminem always worried about his daughter not fitting in because of his explicit rapping. A clean-rapping father didn't seem to help Jaden Smith fit in at all

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I wonder if they draw Waldo first and then fill everyone in around him, or draw everything first and then find somewhere to hide him.

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I wish Trey Parker had the time to do a Randy Marsh podcast. I feel like I'd love to listen to Randy interview celebrities and talk current events for some reason.

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In 15 years, manual and automatic will mean to very different things in cars.

two* How change in title?



During the 2nd and 3rd tasks of the Triwizard Tournament in Harry Potter, the audience would have been staring expectantly at a lake and a hedge, respectively.

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I wonder how often I turn up in other peoples dreams to do weird shit...

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Getting suspended for missing school is like being given permission to miss more school.

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If Leonardo Dicaprio wins an Oscar this year, they should get Steve Harvey to announce it just to make him nervous

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What if the people that are making $7,586/month from home are the hot lonely singles 2.1 miles away from me?

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Our teachers told us not to plagiarize. But almost every worksheet and quiz was from the internet.

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Someone should make fauxfu. A tofu substitute made out of meat, for people who want to pretend they are vegetarian but still eat meat.

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Monday, January 18, 2016

I used to wear my seatbelt because my mom would nag if I didn't; now I wear my seatbelt because my car would nag if I didn't

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When Cyprus is playing against Russia, it's CYP-RUS, and the remaining letters make RUS-SIA

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I'm raising my son on Netflix, and so far he has not been exposed to one iota of advertising, and has no idea what the 'cool' toys are.

NEXT CHRISTMAS, ALL THE TOYS ARE COOLuntilhegoestoschool



Who pisses the shit smear off the inner toilet bowl in lesbian households?

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Dads who tell "dad jokes" are actually funny people who had to censor their humor for a younger audience.

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In Star Wars, most of the emergencies are dealt with by R2-D2 having sex with a wall.

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Every ad is an ad for Adblock.

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What if ironing boards, were actually surfboards that just gave up on their dream to get a real job?

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Unlike what Pharrell Williams implies in Happy, a room without a roof would most likely feel really sad

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I automatically assume that all redditor's are men even though I am a woman

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Australians probably have a frustrating time playing chess because it would be hard for them to differentiate between check and checkmate.

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Why don't astronauts get a better title than Mr. or Mrs.? They are way more rare and impressive than doctors or police officers.

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Companies that still make big screen TVs with one HDMI port should be taken outside and beaten with jumper cables.

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It's 2016. Don't you think it's about time shower heads came with a built in thermometer so you don't have to make random adjustments for 20 minutes before your shower is comfortable?

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Anakin Skywalker always complained about not being taken seriously, whined constantly, and obsessed over one girl for decades who he called "m'lady". He was the original neckbeard.

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'Baby wipes' is still an accurate name even when you use them to clean up after sex.

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If Chewbacca cannot say Chewbacca, where did they get the word Chewbacca?

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I have never called either of the only two numbers I have memorized: my own and 911.

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Incognito mode on a browser should close the tabs after 5 minutes of inactivity, in case you die masturbating.

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If the only certainties in life are death and taxes, the most secure job in the world is an accountant at a funeral home.

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"Caucuses" is how Gollum from Lord of the Rings would pronounce "cocks".

pretty stupid sorry



Since there are no real monsters under your bed, what's actually scaring you is your imagination. Therefore the monster that is scaring you is actually in your bed.

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Jumping in video games seems to be a necessary form of movement, yet in real life we rarely, if ever, jump on a daily basis.

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Charlie Day would play a great Willie Wonka.

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"Only the good die young", because any time a "good" person dies it's too early, no matter what their age is.

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I'm secretly happy when my friends don't use reddit because then I can send them cool things I find on reddit.

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Grand Theft Auto games are going to suck when self driving cars become the norm.

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Sunday, January 17, 2016

If two mind readers are reading each other's mind, whose mind are they actually reading?

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If someone says, "Honesty is my middle name," chances are they're lying.

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Losing 200 pounds is a lot better in the US than in England.

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There should be a "one coffee only" line at Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts.

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Pooping while at work is the opposite of an unpaid lunch break.

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There should be a Margarita truck that plays mariachi as it drives around the neighborhood at night. And we would hear it and run out with our money and wait for it on the curb. I would be so happy.

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I wonder if my dog thinks I'm immortal since she ages so much quicker than I do.

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Kindergarten teachers are probably the best Capatcha solvers.

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70 million people could die at once and we'd still have over 99% of the world's population left.

If 4 billion people died we would just be back to the population level we had in 1960.



A person doesn't become homeless just because they lose all their money, but also because they lost all their friends.

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4chan has an uncomfortable amount of 30-year-old men openly lusting after 15-year-old girls. Tumblr has an uncomfortable amount of 15-year-old girls lusting after 30-year-old men.

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I got married so that I could live with a girl who doesn't flirt with me but gets angry when other girls do.

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Pac-man was trapped in a maze of pill addiction, trying to outrun his demons before his lifestyle caught up to him.

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Social media has made it possible for me to get drunk at home alone and still publicly make an ass of myself

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Cars with automatic braking would suck in a zombie apocalypse

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Alan Rickman would have played an amazing older Kylo Ren.

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Saturday, January 16, 2016

Batman is a good name for a man who sees via echolocation, Daredevil is a great name for a billionaire vigilante

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Peter Jackson and George Lucas have a lot in common. They both created an amazing trilogy and years later followed them up with terrible prequels.

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Having a loose tooth is exciting when you're a kid, but terrifying when you're an adult

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The Dark Side is like Male Pattern Baldness. It skips a generation, comes from the mother's side, and the guys who have it wear hats.

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My internet bill is basically a subscription fee for all of those "free" porn websites

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Oregon residents should be called Oregonisms.

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I wish you could take screenshots in dreams.

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If 666 is evil, does that mean that 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil?

I don't understand this weird mathematics.



The first person that tested a parachute had to be a huge bad ass.

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The humans in Star Trek have ancestors who once watched and loved Star Wars.

This just occurred to me.



Eminem would fucking kill it at Scrabble.

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If a World War 3 happens, it would get really awkward online as we are able to talk with our enemies

Unless, of course, governments could easily block foreign sites/people. Someone who is more "techy", is this easily possible? Someone who is more "law-y", would that be legal in the USA?



You could completely remove the semi colon from keyboards and the majority of people wouldn't notice until they wanted to send someone a wink.

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Was Bingo the name of the farmer or the dog?

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Steve Harvey fucked up reading info from a card, but that's all that motherfucker does on Family Feud.

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Even though I've used Google thousands upon thousands of times, I still can't recite its color scheme by memory.

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Reddit is like the refrigerator. I browse and am not satisfied, wait five minutes and lower my standards.

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Now that drones are a thing, they should bring back BattleBots with air combat.

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What if the reason we don't hear people saying "YOLO" anymore is because they're all dead.

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Leonardo DiCaprio was practically begged to play Steve Jobs. If Michael Fassbender wins an Oscar against him this year it will probably break him.

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I want a bumper sticker that says "I was once an honor student too. This is your child's future." This should look good on the back of my broken down 2000 Honda Civic.

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Chipotle should offer free guac as a way to pay America back for their e-coli scare.

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Do crabs think WE walk sideways?

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Friday, January 15, 2016

McDonald's should have a 3rd window where you can trade in all the wrong shit they gave you at the second window

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I bet the Colorado and Washington girl scouts have been killing it in sales the past couple of years

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The Onion should publish a real article every year on April 1st.

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If horses were carnivorous. They'd be fucking terrifying.

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I know my way around the Grand Theft Auto maps way better than I do the city I've lived in for the last 20 years.

What am I doing with my life?



The "forgot your password" pages on websites should include their criteria on special characters, capital letters, etc.

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As a teen, I was told not to trust anyone on the Internet, not to add everyone on Facebook, and not to be stupid online. Now, I'm telling my parents the same things.

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I want to get a parrot and train it to say "I've been turned into a parrot"

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We named every moon in our solar system, but not our own.

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Human mouths always had the ability to beat-box. Someone a thousand years ago could have dropped the sickest beats of all time.

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Maybe The Queen of England is so old because people keep saying "long live the queen".

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Abercrombie and Fitch should capitalize on the "af" trend and make shirts that just say "Fashionable af" and the like

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Saying "drugs and alcohol" is like saying "fruits and bananas"

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120 years after the first silent movie I'm back right there: minute-long gifs with captions.

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Ideally, Leonardo DiCaprio wins an Oscar, pulls a speech out of his pocket, blows dust off it and recites a thank you speech he wrote from "What's Eating Gilbert Grape."

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Driving tests should include jumping a car, changing a tire, and checking basic fluids.

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Browsing Reddit has made me so accustomed to instant gratification that I find myself annoyed when I click something that turns out to be YouTube link.

Ain't nobody got time for that.



I wonder if Bruce Banner ever turned into the Hulk while taking a particularly difficult dump.

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Getting a new glasses prescription is like upgrading your own graphics card

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After I poo, I do up my belt before I wash my hands. I have never washed my belt.

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Thursday, January 14, 2016

There should be a dog toy hidden inside each dog food bag just like there were toys in Cracker Jack boxes.

I mean it makes sense right?!



I hope Leonardo DiCaprio wins an Oscar, because I am tired of hearing about Leonardo DiCaprio not winning an Oscar.

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We need a rival planet.

Think about it—when we were in high school, no matter what social drama was going on (Sally and Brian breaking up, the stoners getting caught behind the gym, that fight between the emo kids and the goth kids at the end of 4th period), on Friday night at the football game, everyone from your school banded together and rooted against that shitty school from the next town over. Your school kicked ass, but that other school suuuuuuuucked. Fast forward to college—new environment, same routine, same social conditioning. “Screw that other school! They suck, their fans suck, anything and everything associated with that other school is pure garbage.” Ahh, but then came the Olympics, when suddenly towns didn't matter, states made no difference, all that we cared about was — “U.S.A. … U.S.A. … U.S.A.! Screw Canada! Screw Europe! Screw Brazil! Screw China! Jamaica…well Jamaica is cool, but screw everyone else! You too Australia.” So it looks like all that’s missing is another planet for us deranged humans to root against. We need an interplanetary Olympics. Suddenly our ridiculous Earth borders won’t matter anymore. No more petty arguments about our trivial and delusional perceived differences—Nationality? Race? Religion? College? Local high school? Who gives a shit?! It’s us against them. Team Earth, fuck yea!” We can all get decked out in our Earth jerseys and Earth merchandise (which will be a great boost to our planets economy), we can come up with some clever Earth chants, we can even make a bunch of “Xynafar Sucks” and “Xynafarians are Douchebags” memes. We can rag on how their solar system has less planets than ours, how their water is too salty, how their moon is so small, how old and fat their host star is…hell, we might even start taking pride in our planet and treating it with respect—or maybe I’m just a dreamer (…but I’m not the only one). Maybe we’ll begin to view ourselves as Earthlings again, as humans again. So lets all come together as one, hand in hand, peaceful and prideful, like the kickass humans that we are, wearing our “Earth Rules, Xynafar Drools” t-shirts, and give this global peace thing a try. You in?



Thank god Elton John is only 68

I couldn't take it.



The battery percentage left on my phone when I get home from work is roughly equivalent to the effort level I put in while I was there.

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Can we quit 2016 without saving and start again?

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The real winner of the lottery is the IRS. They're guaranteed half of every jackpot

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Powerball's as close to a Willy Wonka golden ticket madness as we will likely see.

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We use both the terms "it's game time" and "there's no time for games" to express that a situation is serious.

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At least three people won the Powerball, I belive that there should only be one winner. I say we put the three winners into a pit and make them fight until only survives, we can put it on PPV and call it PowerBrawl...

At least three people won the Powerball, I belive that there should only be one winner. I say we put the three winners into a pit and make them fight until only one survives, we can put it on PPV and call it PowerBrawl...



I don't think I wasted $2 on a lottery ticket; I just paid $2 for a week's worth of epic daydreaming about all the things I'd do

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My ex gf decided she is trans. That makes me a straight male with an ex boyfriend.

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I can't wait to watch the South Park episode on Power Ball fever.

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Someday, there will be a TIL that David Bowie and Alan Rickman both British, both died of cancer at 69, both in the same week of the same year.

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I don't understand why people use "Skeletor" as an insult to imply that someone is skinny; the actual Skeletor was buff as hell.

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Today there will be many friends volunteering to move furniture in southern California

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Tim Curry is British, famous in the US, and 69 years old. He must be bricking it.

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How cool would it be to see your brain's "task manager"

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An ad I can't mute, skip or minimize will not make me want a product more. It will make me resent the product and its maker more.

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Meaning of ASAP has changed from "As soon as possible" to "Fucking now"

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I will be two dollars richer tomorrow than almost everyone who bought a Powerball ticket

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I have the same feeling buying a Powerball ticket as I did buying condoms as a teenager. It's a little embarrassing and I'll probably not get to use it.. But if I do it'll be one hell of a night!

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All humans born in the future already exist, it's just that the matter they're made from is dispersed.

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Han Solo, Chewbacca, and the Millennium Falcon are the sci-fi version of a redneck, his dog, and his truck.

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After the apocalypse, the Amish will be the most technologically advanced people on earth with the best quality of life.

If they survive long enough for the oil to run out I suppose.



Why do Star Wars stormtroopers wear body suits if they instantly die when hit by blasters anyway

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Wednesday, January 13, 2016

I'd much rather be somebody who can barely remember High School than somebody who considers it to be the best years of their lives.

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My hope is that Deadpool completely breaks the fourth wall, grabs a boom mike, and starts beating the hell out of somebody with it.

*mic



Today I donated 10 dollars to someone that is going to be a billionaire tonight.

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If I win the powerball I won't tell anyone, then post a status on Facebook asking if anyone could help me move some furniture. Whoever offered would get $1,000,000.

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Would humans have invented airplanes if all animals were flightless?

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Yelling "Fuck" during sex is like yelling "Hockey" while playing a game of hockey.

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If the Chargers and Rams move into a stadium together, it should be sponsered by Dodge...

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Gym bros are like RPG characters who decided to use all their skill points on strength and nothing else.

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"When God closes a door, he opens a window". Clearly God doesn't pay heating bills.

Otherwise he wouldn't be opening windows willy-nilly just because the door is closed.



What if Han has no idea what Chewie is saying and he’s just making up shit to agree with himself

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You don't realize how little shampoo you actually need until you are almost done with the bottle

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If I had a photographic memory, I'd probably just use it for porn

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My boyfriend's boxer briefs are literally junk drawers.

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"Choose your own response" video games have taught me that if I tell everyone what they want to hear my life will be much easier, instead of telling them how I really feel.

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Quentin Tarantino should direct a Star Wars spinoff featuring a one-armed Mace Windu as a bounty hunter hellbent on revenge

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A stone Mason just wrapped up 6 hours of work at my house and it cost me $1500. I went to college and make $17.00 an hour. We were tricked into "college as a better life".

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If all pregnancies were planned, the world population would probably be halved.

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A significant amount of people are going to fuck cups for the first time today.

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What if Deadpool is actually a romantic comedy and the film's marketing team has tricked men into thinking it was an action-comedy.

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Through, tough, thorough, thought, trough, though don't rhyme, but pony and bologna do

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If you accidentally press the wrong floor number in an elevator, you should be able to hold down the button to cancel the stop.

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The computer you are using is the product of a long series of tools making newer tools that go back to a cave man using a rock.

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Since ghosts haunt the place where they died, the graveyard is actually the most "ghost free" place on earth, yet people are scared to find a ghost there.

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The second oldest person in the world should get a world record for the longest period of time without winning a world record.

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Sarcasm is a language but with no words. Some people can speak it and understand it and others cannot.

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"Google Drive" will mean a completely different thing in a few years.

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I have a Samsung. When I call my girlfriend at college, I'm calling from a Galaxy far, far away.

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Tuesday, January 12, 2016

The guy who looked at a deadly and uninhabitable stretch of land covered with fortified fences, land mines and guard towers between North Korea and South Korea and named it the "Korean Demilitarized Zone" would do really well as an estate agent

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There should be a subreddit where you post a photo of your mother and father, and state your gender. Then, like PhotoshopBattles, people can try and make mashups to guess what you look like.

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Brushing your teeth before seeing the dentist is like cramming before a test

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Now Disney owns Marvel and Star Wars, there's no legal obstacle to a Jedi avenger.

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I wish there was a title between "boyfriend" and "husband" (or fiance)... I think my 4.5 year relationship warrants more than what middle schoolers refer to their relationships as...

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Since George Lucas had nothing to do with the new Star Wars, the film is technically fan fiction.

Also, it seems to be a remake of Episode 4.



I've learned more about David Bowie in the past 24 hours, than I have in my whole life.

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If there really is a perfect person for everyone, almost everyone is with the wrong person.

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Reddit has taught me that my thoughts are unoriginal and I'm not nearly as funny as I think I am.

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A bachelor party is more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.

... or at least a good one is ...



If Billie Jean would've taken Michael Jackson on Maury for a paternity test he would've had the most epic "you are not the father" dance ever.

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"Ryan Reynolds" sounds like an actual superhero's secret identity.

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If I was a school teacher, I'd intentionally use memes incorrectly, just to drive the little shits crazy

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When Rick Astley dies will Reddit just become one giant rick roll?

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Someone should make a pregnancy test app to trick people into peeing on their phone.

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My parents only seem to care about children in Africa when I don't want to eat my food.

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The next Powerball winner is currently being told that it's impossible that he/she will be the next Powerball winner.

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There were James Bond movies released in 2006 and 2008, but not 007.

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The winning lottery ticket will be the most valuable thing, by weight, that's ever existed.

Roughly $2 Billion / gram.



I should open a pastry shop next to a gym and call it Temptations to sort out the weak ones.

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Monday, January 11, 2016

Porn Hub should have a category just for identical twins and call it doppelbangers.

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Saying "I love your top" is a sweet complement, saying "I love your bottom" is sexual harrasment

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Netflix needs an incognito mode so that I can watch terrible films without getting recommended more terrible films

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Porn companies and Disney shows are looking to hire the same demographic - adults who look like teens.

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When I watched That 70's Show as a teen, I related to Eric and his quest for sex and acceptance among his peers. Now, watching as an adult, I relate to Red's struggle to support his family and his general dislike of people.

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Powerball odds are about 1 in 290,000,000. The odds that you beat out all the other sperm cells to fertilize your mothers egg is about 1 in 250,000,000. All of us have already won the powerball by simply existing.

Also, you can take this back to previous generations, and the chances that you exist in the form you see today are so infinitely small, it's ridiculous!



Last week I was shocked to read David Bowie was turning 70. This morning I'm shocked to read he's not.

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I don't buy lotto tickets because I think I'll win, I buy it to grant myself access to day dream

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We think of Alcohol Smugglers during the Prohibition period differently than we do our neighborhood drug dealer, but they essentially have done the exact same thing.

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Field goal kickers are like the IT guys of the NFL. When they do their job correctly no one really noticed. But the entire world gives them shit when something bad happens.

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The Lottery is essentially crowd funding for a random person to become a multi-millionaire.

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"military grade" really just means "cheapest contractor" grade.

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Wikipedia should hold a lottery instead of asking for donations.

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Movie theaters should sell "limited edition" merchandise (tshirts, posters, figurines, comics, games...) in a gift shop for profit rather than charging $5 water or $15 popcorn

I spent $5 on water. I could've paid 3 and got Starbucks. How does that make any goddamn sense?

Here's my idea: Star Wars opening night. First showing lets out. Gift shop is on the exit. Limited edition screen print. Maybe even theater specific prints. Charge, $5 to Moon money, whatever people are willing to pay for collectibles. Profit goes up and maybe the price could come down on $14 popcorn back to more acceptable number. And a $5 water to 99¢ or what a machine would cost.

I think this would help attendance for opening nights for big block busters and maybe help recover profit loss from pirating since all these collectibles would have to licensed and royalties as well. This isn't really a perfected idea but would love to discuss and use this idea to help :)

Sorry for any grammar issues.



There should be a subreddit where new adults go to ask old adults how to do adult things.

A place to ask how to do taxes, how to take out a loan, what to look for when buying a house, etc.

Things you'd usually call your parents for, but for people that don't have that option.



I have a better chance of winning the 1.3 Billion dollar Powerball than I do earning that much money in my lifetime.

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When a lightsaber runs low on battery, does it get shorter or dimmer?

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The year 2040 is closer in time than the year 1990.

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I can't believe Keith Richards outlived David Bowie.

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Saying a movie has a plot twist is a spoiler in itself

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All of a chef's work eventually turns to shit

Edit: Most not All



Quitting a job because you aren't being paid enough should be called a Wage Quit

If I had sunglasses, I'd be taking them off



A baseball signed by me is worth less than an unsigned baseball

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I wonder if one of my ancestors owned one of my dog's ancestors.

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Instagram would have been a good name for a drug delivery service

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Sunday, January 10, 2016

The Bible is the ancient version of "It's on the internet so it must be true!".

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I think of 2006 being 4 to 6 years ago, but it was actually 10 years ago.

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I judge people for constantly checking facebook to see what their friends have done. Yet I'm constantly checking reddit to see what random people have done

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An human adult can't crush a small metal toy car with his foot but a fictional giant can crush a normal size car.

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[1 in 4 car accidents are caused by texting and driving] People: "Won't be me." [1 in 292 million chance of winning the Powerball] People: "You never know."

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Art is how we decorate space; music is how we decorate time; film is a combination of the two.

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/r/nosleep only makes me lose sleep because I read mediocre stories late at night

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9/11 2001 Was the best day ever for some of US citizens. People got married, had babies, won lotteries, beat cancer.

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Putting on glasses is like switching from 240p to 1080p.

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I wonder how many fake arguments I've lost in other people's heads.

Probably a lot.



The lottery is a great example of how if everyone just pitched in a couple dollars, how much money could be accumulated to get something big done.

Or get a lot of boats filled with coke.



In a Chinese restaurant, just about everything is made in China except the food, making it the most American thing there.

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If there are infinite universes, there's one in which coin flips always result in heads and a scientist is deemed as crazy for saying there's a 50% chance that a coin flip results in tails.

Idk how this even got into my mind.

Edit:

Ok guys I get it just because there are infinite universes doesn't mean that any possibility can happen, chill out it's a shower thought not a math lesson