Friday, September 30, 2016

When I was a kid I worked hard to hide my weed and devil music from my parents. Now I'm grown up and work hard to hide my weed and devil music from my kids.

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Zombies are perpetual motion machines. they shouldn't be destroyed but used as an energy source.

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Millions of drops of rain pounding on a roof is soothing while a single drop of water dripping from a faucet becomes extremely irritating.

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Task Manager should have an "End as many tasks as possible without crashing my system" button

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Men get compliments so rarely that I have never heard a bloke get complimented about anything except his work, ever.

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Wouldn't it be great if the interviewer told you why you didn't get the job, so you can do better in the next one?

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Night time is the natural state of the universe and the only reason we have day time is because there's a huge star that happens to be close to us.

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There should be a Chrome extension that replaces any celebrity news with scientific facts

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Porn sites should have an "I'm feeling lucky" button for when you're not really sure what you want to watch.

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I can't believe breakfast cereal companies haven't come up with a better idea to close their damned cereal boxes.

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I would rather watch a blank screen for the duration of an ad than watch the ad itself.

Looking at you Hulu.



‘Respect your elders’ makes no sense. I don’t care if you’re 5, 15 or 50, everyone deserves respect until they continue to act in ways that doesn’t command it. Then, respect has to be earned back.

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I wonder how much ink we could save if we stopped printing the Nutrion Facts on bottled water.

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Movie characters kill hundreds of henchmen but think they are too good to kill the main bad guy.

This has always annoyed me in media. The "good guy" will murder hundreds of guards and thugs but then when it comes to the main "bad guy" suddenly it is immoral to kill him. Logically if you're going to mow down countless people (probably just trying to feed their families) you might as well take out the villain. Otherwise, you're saying the super evil guy's life is more valuable than his employees.



Somewhere there is a severely autistic person who can't help but see Waldo instantly, and wonders what all the fuss is about.

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When we land on Mars, we need to choose the metric system or the imperial system and never introduce the other. Ever.

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I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we're like "that's a soup ladle".

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The fact that we have a universally recognized hand sign for "fuck you" and not one for "I'm sorry" should really tell us something.

When I cut someone off in traffic, I'd like to be able to do something more concrete than scrunch up my neck and flap my hand around apologetically



I'd rather overhear a compliment than get one face-to-face.

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Fleeing from police is like choosing the double or nothing option.

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"Be back in ____ minutes" signs are pretty damn useless unless you tell us when you leave

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The older I get, the less crazy I think my high school history teacher was for moving him and his family to New Zealand and starting a farm.

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My greatest fear is that one day I will Google a question, and the only results I find are a bunch of assholes in a forum telling the OP "omg, just Google it". And I'll be trapped in an endless loop.

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Thursday, September 29, 2016

In 12 years or so... If reddit is still a thing, the kid that fell into Harambe's enclosure might do an AMA

And it will be either hated or praised for the meme of 2016



I never appreciate how painless it is to swallow until I have strep.

I always took it for granted D:



Whoever invented Thundershirts for pets with anxiety missed a huge opportunity by not calling it Thunderwear

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I've used Bruce Almighty's "B-E-A-Utiful!" line to spell Beautiful my whole life

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What if we aren't the FIRST Intelligent life forms in the Universe, but the LAST.

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Closing your eyes after turning off your alarm is a very dangerous game.

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You've been doing weird cameos in your friends' dreams since kindergarten.

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Taco Bell should give customers an extra tortilla so they can make a burrito out of all the stuff that spilled out of the other burritos they ate.

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You will never feel how long time is until you have allergies and snot slowly dripping out of your nostrils, while sitting in a classroom with no tissues.

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It would be scary as fuck if the entire Ocean was clear like a swimming pool.

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It's surreal to think that the sun and moon and stars we gaze up at are the same objects that have been observed for millenia, by everyone in the history of humanity from cavemen to Aristotle to Jesus to George Washington.

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Someone should develop an AI specifically for reading Terms & Conditions and flagging dubious parts.

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They should charge less for drinks in the drive-thru because you can't refill them.

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Kid's menus at restaurants should be smaller portions of the same adult dishes at lower prices and not the junk food that they usually offer.

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Eventually once all phones are waterproof we'll be able to push people into pools again

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My life is really like Rihanna's song, "just work work work work work" and the rest of it I can't really understand.

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Kenny's family is poor because they're always paying for his funeral.

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Theme parks can snap a crystal clear picture of you on a roller coaster at 70 mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still.

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All polls are biased towards people who are willing to take polls

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Porn is the only industry where it is not only acceptable but standard to separate people based on race, sex and sexual preference.

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Wednesday, September 28, 2016

When I was in elementary school and going through the DARE program, I was positive a gang of older kids was going to corner me and force me to smoke pot. Then I became an adult and realized nobody is giving free drugs to somebody that doesn't want them.

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Now that Colorado is spending Marijuana money on bully prevention, drugs have done more for the kids than the war on drugs ever did.

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Toilet paper should be free and have advertising printed on it.

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I'll consider myself successful when I no longer dread looking at my bank account.

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Harry Potter is the ultimate example of someone that 'peaked in high school.'

What do you do in life after you defeat the worst evil of all time senior year?



Every now and then I suddenly realize that other people's lives are just as complex as my own, and that they have no clue what happens in my head, just as I have no idea what happens in theirs. It's like looking at the stars and suddenly feeling very small.

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Spotify should add a feature that keeps track of skips vs. plays to me know what songs I should delete from my music or playlists.

Often times I'll find myself skipping a song for several months in a row before finally deleting it. I get into the habit of skipping it that I don't even think about it any more and am too lazy to delete it. I think it'd be useful to have a skips vs. plays tracker, so I know what songs I should delete. If I haven't listened to a song in 3 months, but have skipped it 37 times, why the hell is it still in my library? It's wasting space, auto-delete it for me–probably won't even notice.

This also applies to iTunes or other music libraries; Spotify is just what I use most.



Imagine if "ping pong" was "pong ping"

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If a website stored my incorrect password attempts, they could get passwords to most of my accounts.

I can't always remember which password is associated to which login, so when it's incorrect, I just try a different password.



Reddit is the opposite of Facebook. Reddit is people you don't know posting things you care about. Facebook is people you know posting things you don't care about.

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I'd rather power through the slightly-more-than-i-should-eat end of an ice cream container than leave a dissapointing amount for future me.

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I posts on reddit because my real life friends don't reply as quickly as you guys

I understand not everybody check their phone every 5 minutes, but if it takes more than an hour to reply, then what is the fucking point of owning mobile devices?

And you fuckers are more witty and thoughtful. There I said it.



Strangely nearly all superpowers whether mutant, alien, radiaton etc comes with incredible sewing and costume making skills.

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This Halloween they should make Google's homepage "Ghoulgle"

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If Hermoine Granger and Sherlock Holmes had a child together, it would be the single most dangerous literary character to ever exist.

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Subways are like the world's shittiest roller coasters.

No one ever looks like they're having fun on them.



The baby in The Walking Dead cries the least out of all the characters.

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If Big Alcohol and Big Pharma are the villains of weed legalization, then Big Snack and Big Water should be the heroes

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Nintendo should release their old school classics for mobile phones.

Obviously there are emulators, but most of the population doesn't know how to use them. They would make a killing and I could play Zelda at work.



The weight of the lead apron you get for X-Rays is really soothing.

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Tinder should have an option to reveal if you are liking fewer people than are liking you as a way of politely suggesting you lower your expectations.

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Most people fantasize about winning the lottery to buy a mansion, fancy cars, etc. I just want to win so I don't have to get up for work tomorrow.

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Google Maps should announce speed limits when navigating.

Ever been on a road (normally one you haven't been on before) and can't seem to find a speed limit sign? Edit: E



Empires are run by emperors, kingdoms are run by kings, countries are run by cunts

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If you dye your hair red, then you are trans-gingered.

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the people born the day before or after the cutoff point to start kindergarten were close to having a completely different life

they would have started going to school a year earlier or later.



I'm getting really excited for the final season of America!

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They should add a "shuffle play" feature to Netflix for shows like Family Guy

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Can we crowdfund Mike Tyson to win Martin Shkreli "one punch in the face" auction?

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If mosquitoes evolved to consume fat instead of blood, they'd be the most popular creatures on the planet.

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I can't fall asleep if I hear the TV in the other room but I can easily fall asleep while watching TV

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Billboards that warn me not to read texts while driving trick me to read text while driving.

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Tuesday, September 27, 2016

If reddit has taught me one thing, it's that hard work is never appreciated, while copying other people's work is.

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In reality, the early bird would get the worm, but the late worm would not be eaten by the early bird

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Considering we enjoy video games more than attending classes, there should be a video game school where every subject is taught through interaction with NPCs and receiving side quests as homework.

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If my wife of 11 years kisses me with tongue I'm immediately excited. If she uses my tooth brush I'm immediately grossed out.

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Scrolling through Facebook is just like scrolling through Reddit 2 days ago.

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Winner of last night's debate? Comedians. Loser of last night's debate? Americans.

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When I'm old the fact that I'm older than Google will be really impressive

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In 20 years the hardest thing our children will have to do is find a username that isn't taken.

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I wonder if in another 50 years someone will make a romantic drama about a couple falling in love on 9/11, similar to Titanic

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I wash my hands after using public restrooms only because of all the disgusting things I had to touch in there. Not because I touched my genetials.

Sorry. Genitals



Cartoons with no dialogue like Tom and Jerry require no cultural or language translation for children anywhere in the world

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Companies should make more interesting 5 second adverts as I'm going to skip them on Youtube anyway.

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Blue and yellow make green. Sun and water make plants.

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Battlefield 1 should honor the Christmas Truce of World War I by disabling all weapons on Christmas day.

Or EA can just get DDoS'd again



I'd rather power through the slightly-more-than-I-should-eat end of an ice cream container than leave a disappointing amount for future me.

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For Google to just turn 18, I've been asking some very inappropriate questions to someone underage for quite awhile.

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I wonder if Michelle and Barack are doing it in every nook and cranny of the Whitehouse for one last time.

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The most common lie I tell my girlfriend is that the spider she briefly saw 'wasn't that big' and I 'definitely got it'.

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As an adult, I can quite literally do whatever I want to, but I always end up wanting to just go home.

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Every car should have a button for a half volume horn so I can beep at daydreamers at the lights without sounding angry.

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The debate moderators should be able to mute the mics of both candidates in order to move on to the next subject instead of trying to talk over them.

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Every time I hear the 20th Century Fox fanfare, I'm slightly diappointed if I'm not about to watch Star Wars.

Edit: Disappointed in my spelling as well.



Saying "ohhh fuck" when having sex is like saying "mmmm eat" when eating

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Monday, September 26, 2016

At debates they should just mute the mic of the candidate who's not supposed to be speaking

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It's amazing how often "turn it off then turn it back on again" actually solves the problem.

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What if there's no such thing as the Placebo Effect, and instead, sugar just actually cures everything

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Instead of debates, we should give candidates three impromptu essay questions they have to answer in three hours in 1,000 words or less, and they have to write it, immediately and live on web cam, with no help from their interns.

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Getting out a piece of paper while doing calculations is basically getting your brain extra RAM

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Normally in Scooby-Doo Shaggy runs side-by-side with Scooby, Great Danes run at 48 kph. Technically, Shaggy is the fastest man alive.

Well shit, Usian Bolt got fucked by shaggy and his dog.



Based off the amount of people who seem to actually use their turn signals when driving, it's a good thing that reverse lights turn on automatically.

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If you buy DiGiorno pizza through Amazon Fresh, technically it is delivery.

Right?



Little kids think adults have the most freedom but adults think little kids have the most freedom

by freedom I mean the rules you have to follow



Those fake "Horny singles in your area" ads on porn sites are actually pretty true if they're just referring to all the single people in the area watching porn...

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Historically, when a new land is discovered and colonized, people eventually revolt and win their independence from their country of origin. When we go to Mars, it is inevitable that people born there will feel no love for Earth and will start a revolution to claim the planet as their own.

I am no expert but I always think that if ever colonize Mars, the generations will eventually not recognize any authority from Earth and will demand their independence and eventually Martian-humans will consider Earth-humans a different class of humans.

Think Spain and Mexico, England and the U.S., etc.



One of the most evironmentally friendly things I can do for the planet is not have children.

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According to the human brain, the human brain is the most advanced thing in the world

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Youtube should add a "Was worth it" button/text to long videos.

Well.Time saving



All the male characters in Family Guy have ballsacks for chins except Stewy, because his balls haven't dropped yet, and Brian, because he's neutered.

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A roast of Kanye West would be amazing to watch

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Why is it we have compassion for animals which allows us to say "they are technically capable of survival, but would have a terrible quality of life, it is best to ease them into an end lovingly" yet when a human is in a similar situation and is BEGGING for death it's "wrong"

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When you take a cigarette out of a pack, the pack becomes a cigarette lighter !

Would be an awesome trick for a comedy magician to perform.



Losing a hand gives you a lifetime immunity to handcuffs.

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A lot of people have a problem thinking humans evolved from apes, yet have no problem accepting that pugs and chihuahuas descended from wolves.

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You never realize how many curse words are in a song until it's playing in front of your parents

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If you step on a person's foot they open their mouth, just like a trashcan

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I live in the U.K. My local pub has been a pub longer than America has been a country.

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i think the biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. we listen to reply.

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You see both men and women with naked lady tattoos, but I don't think I've seen anyone with a naked man tattoo

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The person who prays for God to change things thinks God has arranged matters wrong, and also thinks they can instruct God on how they should be put right.

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Good and Evil are both only one letter away from God and the Devil.

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Since the simpsons first aired I've gone from Barts age to Homers age

As above, hair and weightwise also



As a kid I used to think of "kicked the bucket" as a tame way to state somebody died. I just realized as an adult it signifies kicking the bucket from underneath your feet that is keeping you alive before you hang yourself.

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When celebrities do AMAs, they usually use a throwaway account. Instead of giving them gold for answers you like, consider gilding the user who asked the question.

The question askers are the unsung heroes of /r/ama, and they're more likely to actually benefit from Reddit Gold.



The first guy to shave his face must have freaked some people out.

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Sunday, September 25, 2016

It's amazing how unforgiving we are towards bugs, we will straight up murder them for even coming near us.

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(rich) humans are becoming elves - low birthrates, long lifespans, and magic-like technology

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Not a single list online is important enough for me to deal with if it's a slideshow instead of a scroll list

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Saying: ''Rip my inbox" when you recieve a lot of replies is weird considering your inbox is probably the most alive it has been.

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Tapes had "A" and "B" sides so it only made sense to transition to "CDs"

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I'm more aware of swearing in a TV show when it's bleeped out.

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Jesus' statement that man cannot live on bread alone is solid nutritional advice

Bread only contains carbohydrates; you also need protein and fat!



Of all the bears that could kill me the gummy has come the closest

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To the guy that invented zero, thanks for nothing

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For April fools day, SnapChat should have all of their filters work as normal, but once sent the filter is removed.

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As adults, we feel like kids when we stay up late. As kids, we feel like adults when we stay up late.

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Somewhere out there in some warehouse; There exists a server full of millions of abandoned Neopets from the 2000s

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Nothing in the real world is straight. Nothing in the digital word is curved.

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If life was a video game id be doing incredibly well considered I haven't even died once yet.

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If a God does not exist, religions are the largest and craziest fandoms.

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Cannibalism could potentially solve both world hunger and overpopulation.

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You can tell Arrested Development is an old TV show because it's about a CEO who goes to prison.

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There are killers out there who find the special type of person out of billions of people to have a partner in crime, and I still can't find a girlfriend.

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Depending on what is exiting your penis, you are either "coming" or "going"

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Most of the ads I hear on Pandora are for making Pandora ad free.

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I only write etc. because i dont know more examples.

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If I put morning me in a room with nighttime me, morning me would murder her.

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If ghosts are real, i'd mostly be embarassed about how much I've masturbated in front of them

Embarrassment over fear for sure



Reddit is just like your fridge: you keep going back to it every 30 seconds when you're bored.

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Finding a worm in an apple has not proven to be as common of an occurrence as I thought it would be as a child.

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I wish I could recharge my mobile data when I'm connected to WIFI

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I can pay $10 or more for lunch no problem, but I always have to contemplate paying even $0.99 for an app.

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Every hotel refrigerator should at least fit a pizza box.

I mean C'mon!



Saturday, September 24, 2016

In my 20s I thought therapists were for unstable people. In my 30s I think they're for stable people.

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A lot of gunfights could have been prevented if they'd only made Old West towns bigger.

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Hyperlinks turn from blue to purple after you click on them because you "red" (read) them. Adding red to blue makes purple.

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I add "reddit" after every question I search on Google because I trust you all more than other strangers

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I'm close with my best friend so I describe her as my "sister." I'm close with my sister so I refer to her as my "best friend."

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Netflix revives shows based on how many streams they get. I can't believe I'm not personally responsible for a Futurama revival already.

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If they are going to fine drivers who smoke with a kid in car, They should start booking pregnant women who smoke as well

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The drummer for the Foo Fighters is the 2nd best drummer in the Foo Fighters.

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Gaston wasted all that time on Belle, who clearly wanted nothing to do with him, while he probably could have wrangled a four-way with those hot blonde triplets.

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I used to look at my Grandfather carving with a knife and thought he was a master carpenter. He'd look at me with a computer and think I was a software engineer

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'I work for one of the richest companies in the world' is a lot better than saying 'I work at Walmart.'

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When youtubers die their children will have hours upon hours of voice/video recording to remember them by.

Its insane to think that someone could watching their parent's videos after the parent's death and hear them tell stories they have never heard before.



It’s socially acceptable to talk about how reliant and addicted you are to a drug as long as that drug is caffeine.

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The Jetsons is to the Flintstones what Futurama is to the Simpsons.

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We never realize how many people we dislike until it comes to naming our child.

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I'm 22 and I'm just realizing why some watermelon flavored lollipops have green wrappers but are actually red...



Friday, September 23, 2016

I would offend far more people asking their gender rather than assuming it.

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People say tattoos are going to look awful when you're old and wrinkly, but so does an un-tattooed old and wrinkly body

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When I was a kid, I imagined a TV channel that only reported positive news of the world. I'm now 32, and want that more than ever.

There's so much crap going on, it's often times hard to remember that the majority of people in the world, are nice decent ones. That for every horrible thing that happens, many more great things happen that we take for granted. The way news works these days, is to report shocking and hate-inducing news the most - proven to be shared and engaged with the most. And that's how they make money.



Say “no” to drugs? It really doesn’t matter what you tell drugs because if you’re talking to drugs, you’re taking them...

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Whenever Yahoo opens as my browser, I instantly think my computer has some sort of virus.

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For me, NSFW links just make me hold my phone a different way.

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Marijuana isn't the gateway to heroin. It's a roadblock. I'm too happy, lazy, broke, and hungry to wanna try hard drugs.

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It would be a good idea to have "The Price Is Right" with billionaires, just to see how out of touch they are.

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I think a good response to "you don't take criticism well" is "You're probably right, thanks for the feedback."

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As a gay man, whose only experience with female libidos are movies, I have learned that women only have sex if they're evil or want something.

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We underappreciate the moment when nothing aches in our body.

Like a toothache or a migraine.



The level of how close you feel to someone is directly correlated to how much silence you are okay with having with them.

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I really wish my male pattern baldness would start with my armpits and shoulders.

My family genetics really got its priorities backward on that one.



I just realized how absurd the rotating license plates on James Bond's car are. Are we supposed to think that he could switch plates and become lost among all the other silver Aston Martin DB5s?

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I feel like the unfunny guy who doesn't realize it when I post comments I think are pure gold that stay at +1.

Edit: This is now my top voted post.



Whether you're a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.

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Instead of remaking good films, we should remake shitty ones that showed potential.

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If your gf has a friend that annoys you, don't tell your gf to stop being friends with her. Just casually mention how pretty you think she is.

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The more money companies spend for longer, non skip-able YouTube ads, the less I want to use their product.

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Uber should have a "no small talk" option when requesting a car

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Netflix needs a "This item will be removed in X days" so I can binge watch shows in the right order.

I'm using the UK Netflix on a SmartTV; I want to know how long Dexter is going to stick around so I can decide if it's worth me starting or not.

I can Google it but I want something actually on Netflix to give me a timeline. Not suddenly tell me "Oh yeah, you've got a week to watch 6+ seasons of whatever".



If usain bolt decided to go streaking at a major event, who would be able to stop him?

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Thursday, September 22, 2016

Phones should have a "Drive Mode" feature that will automatically respond to messages with "I'm driving"

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When Apple released the iPhone 7, they should have played "Hit The Road, Jack" in the commercials.

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Think how fortunate you are that your ancestors survived disease, war and feral beasts just so you could scroll on Reddit

Gets pretty deep when you imagine further back than a family tree can go....



No matter how I feel, the sound and smell of a crackling fire calms my soul.

Edit: There are many comments about unplanned or out of control fires. Some are obviously snarky or funny, which is fine, but for anyone who is serious I did mean a fire that is in a pit or a fireplace. Obviously, a house fire would not be calming.

...and yes, I'm riding the coat tails of the guy who had the post about rain that hit the front page earlier today.



I wish Facebook had a "People You Should Delete" section instead of "People You May Know" so I could conveniently clean up my friends list.

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The reason why tomato soup and grilled cheese is such a good combo is because it's basically the same ingredients as pizza.

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The last human won't get a funeral

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People find it ridiculous that an elephant can be scared of a mouse yet so many humans are terrified of insects

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When I was younger I thought cookie jars would be a bigger point of contention in the house.

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When I procrastinate, current me really expects a lot out of future me.

Conversely, current me really hates past me for leaving all this shit to get done.

Edit: I meant to post this weeks ago.



If I had a dollar for every thing millennials have been accused of killing, I'd be able to afford living in the destroyed economy the boomers left for us.

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Sitting to pee became way more appealing after the inception of smart phones.

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T.V. remotes need a "half volume" button for when the dialogue of a movie is too quiet but the music is too loud.

Then when the dialogue comes back from the music you press it again and it goes back to the normal volume you had it at.



When I open the fridge, I am not checking if there's food: I'm checking if I'm desperate enough to actually prepare the plentiful food I have.

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What if Earth is like the North Korea of the solar system and all the other planets are inhabited, but we are kept from the truth, and our world leaders are viewed as cruel and oppressive by the other planets.

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Good-looking people must think all the time that the majority of the population are respectful and polite.

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I wonder if I've ever had an original thought?

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I can't be the only one who says "no it won't" out loud and hit the back button when a YouTube video says "your video will play after this ad."

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After watching so many Television shows, I don't think a movie is anywhere near long enough anymore to develop characters or a story.

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People in the future will retire to play video games instead of golf.

I'm sure some people do this already!



Every day is 'Bring your kid to work day' if you're pregnant.

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No matter how awful I feel, the sound of rain beating against my bedroom window calms my soul.

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Bumper cars is a terrible way to introduce driving to kids

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I'd hate Spotify ads a lot less if they just played the damn ad instead of also playing 30 seconds of acoustic guitar before the ads and then playing a little more acoustic guitar after the ad to let me know that the ad is finished.

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Wednesday, September 21, 2016

If I was a pear farmer, my slogan would be "Grow a Pear".

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It's easier to understand someone who's waaaay smarter than you than someone who is just trying to sound smart

I love listening to people rant on a subject they know and I don't. But when people know a few phrases that make them feel like they're passing for a smart person, even though there's almost no meaning behind what they're saying and you have to try and translate it down from the nonsense. It's just decorated poop spilling out of their mouth.



Samsung were lucky a Note7 didn't explode while in a VR Headset

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There are animals in the world that have never seen a human.

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I always tell my dog to have a good day when I leave for work, but I don't know if he actually does have a good day or not.

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If NFL players don't stand for the national anthem because they don't like how this country is run, should fans stop going to games because they don't like all the domestic violence charges NFL players have?

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You can't actually bite down. You can only bite up.

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r/canada should be given an exception and have been named o/canada

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Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie getting divorced would be great marketing for a Mr. & Mrs. Smith 2.

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Only a really bad autobiography would need an "About the Author" section.

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the world's most famous carpenter died nailed to a board

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I'm not hungry after I eat, horny after sex, or thirsty after a drink. So why then fuck am I so tired after sleeping?

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Why do TMNT wear eye masks if they're the only giant mutant turtles to ever exist?

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I wonder if any of my ancestors owned one of my dog's ancestors

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When I log on to Reddit and have a lot of inbox replies, I think, "What did I say now?"

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I like reading comments because it's like a conversation between people, but it's not weird if I just listen and don't add anything.

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Mona Lisa was the first Kardashian, famous for nothing.

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Google has been doing the largest AMA in history.

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All cellphone cameras, laptop cameras, and other webcams should come with a sliding door that has to be physically opened and closed by the user.

For cellphones, this may make more sense as a cellphone case feature.



I have a weird grudge against stingrays ever since one killed Steve Irwin.

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At 27.44mph top speed, it is illegal for Usain Bolt to run in a school zone.

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Drinking water from a coffee mug is incredibly dissatisfying.

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Tuesday, September 20, 2016

If praying would actually work, it'd be forbidden in all professional sports.

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"It's not a pyramid scheme" is a phrase almost exclusively used by people involved in pyramid schemes

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Bills travel at twice the speed of checks in mail.

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Whoever put the “b” in “subtle” was a really clever person.

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The best part about being an adult is eating two Popsicles for breakfast. The worst part about being an adult is knowing why you shouldn't do that.

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"In case of contact with eyes" warning labels will probably be hardest to read when I most need them

Of course I always read and memorize every warning label ahead of time... probably...



My being afraid of failure has turned me into a failure.

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Microsoft should make all previous versions of Windows free, upon release of a new version, to show 100% confidence that the new one is better than any that came before.

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Dr Seuss would have had a hell of a time trying to write his stories with autocorrect

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If you line up all your ex lovers in a row you can see the flow chart of your mental illness.

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"nonsmokers smell better" is true in two different ways.

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The trunk of an elephant is at the front, the trunk of a tree is in the middle and the trunk of a car is at the back.

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Since taking my smartphone to the toilet, I know much less about my shampoo ingredients

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Birth Certificates are just receipts for human beings.

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Death would be much more terrifying if it was actually possible to live forever

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People that say "I don't care about mass surveillance, I'm not doing anything wrong" don't realize that the people surveying you can change what is considered 'wrong' based on their own interests.

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I like imagining that people in the next century will surf reddit and read something like "submitted 148 years ago".

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Even as an atheist, when I hear "he/she is in a better place" I still find myself agreeing.

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I don't hate Monday, I just hate my job.

Actual thought this morning... 💤



I've never met anyone who didn't keep their underwear in the top drawer.

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Giving soap as a gift is a great way to have someone think about you while they're naked.

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When I was younger I hated assigned seats in school but now that I'm in college I get unreasonably irritated when someone sits in my unassigned seat.

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Taco Bell should partner with Monster energy drinks to sell a "Chalupacabra" meal deal.

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I wish I could hear my native language through the ears of a nonspeaker

Then I could compare my language more properly to others that I hear and don't understand.



Instead of asking for "Gender" or "Sex" on forms and such, why not just change the category to a chromosomal option, e.g. "XX"/"XY", so we can all be done with this already?

Title says it all

Edit: Thanks for some of the links and info people! Only been an hour and I already have some interesting things to read up on! 👍



Most of my adult life has been about solving problems I created for myself between the ages of 16 and 26 ...

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In ancient times, a bag of Trail Mix would be a luxury unlike any other. They'd have to import chocolate from Central America, cashews from India, almonds from Africa, peanuts from South America, and raisins from North America.

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If my data is used to stream an advertisement I should get paid for it.

Data don't grow on trees.



Monday, September 19, 2016

Most of the people that are mad at Colin Kaepernick for not standing during the national anthem are sitting at home on the couch during the anthem

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The more a movie relies on "adult" content, the more immature it is.

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Plastic grocery bags are the tumbleweeds of the city

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Remember that every corpse on Everest was once a highly motivated person.

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As more people turn to internet steaming over cable, Netflix needs to adopt an Emergency Broadcast System.

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Someone should run a Facebook page that posts nothing but clickbait that links to Never Gonna Give You Up to teach people to stop clicking it



With infinite universes, think of another version of you and say 'hi'. There's a version of them thinking of you and saying 'hi'. You just communicated through dimensions using probability.

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I have never seen someone write the letter "a" with how it is shown in most fonts. I have only seen it written as "ɑ."

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I wish there was a "Please turn off your ad blocker" blocker.

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The elderly often complain about how lazy the young generation is, but the entire course of human history was spent trying to make life easy…

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They should put password requirements next to the login so I can remember which variation of my password I used.

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People who browse the new section basically form reddit.

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99.99...% of the Universe will kill you instantly. The rest will take a little while to get the job done.

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You never notice how curved the inside of your shoe is until you put it on the wrong foot.

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Banks should have coin slots at their atms. This way I can deposit my change and they can collectively roll everyone's instead of me having to wait till I have accumulated enough change to have full rolls of my own.

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A sperm bank is just a daycare for unborn children

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First we put watches in phones so that we don't need to look at our watch, now we put our phones in watches so that we don't need to look at our phones.

Whats next? The smart pocketwatch?



Every time I feel unexpected pain, I wonder if my descendants got hit so hard that their ancestors could feel it.

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I've never had to change the lightbulb in a microwave.

They always seem to die and get replaced before getting to that point.



If shaving commercials want to impress me then they should shave a bison, not hairless legs.

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Sunday, September 18, 2016

I'm paying for school to get a job so I can get a job and pay for school

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If 50 cent kept up with inflation he would now be 74 cent

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When I hear unidentified sounds during the day I always disregard them but when I hear them at night I am 100% convinced that it's a demon screaming from a bottomless pit or a witch consuming the souls of the living. Most of the times its only a cat being weird.

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It's not so much that old people "don't have a sense of humor or get the jokes," it's just that they've already seen, done and heard them before in one way or another.

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I wish I could see a woman that I know is equally as attractive as I am so I know how attractive I am to the opposite sex

This post has been very though provoking which is great.

Edit: /r/EqualAttraction



I can avoid paying for ad-free uTorrent by torrenting uTorrent Pro with the free version of uTorrent

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Whenever someone uses "my partner" I can't help but think they are gay, regardless of situation.

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When a webpage asks me if I'm sure I want to leave, it only makes me more sure that I definitely want to leave.

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In a way, after Darth Vader cut off Luke's hand, he followed it up with "I fucked your mom."

That typo in the first post would have driven me insane. Fixed.



By the end of this century, people will start looking up their ancestors on Facebook

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I know more people whose lives were ruined as a result of World of Warcraft than as a result of smoking pot

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"Where are you" is probably the least used phrase in sign language.

EDIT: Wow, more than 130 upvotes, thank you everyone! (BTW this is my first post to ShowerThoughts).



It is amazing to think that nighttime is actually the natural state of the universe, and the only reason we have daytime is because Earth just so happens to be facing a giant star illuminating it.

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I've seen us go to Mars so many times in movies and TV shows that sometimes I forget we haven't been to Mars.

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The cough syrup industry has ruined cherry for millions of people.

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When flying vehicles become feasible, there's no way the public should get access. Instead, it should be for trained emergency services (Ambulances, fire trucks, police) to ensure the fastest/most efficient possible response time. We already crash too much, no need to add flying.

EDIT: I should clarify: I'm talking about decades from now, when tech had evolved to the point where is if perfectly doable an feasible for flying cars to be just as common as regular cars are today. Not helicopters, they are expensive and rare (when compared to cars). What's the police car/helicopter ratio for an average station? I'm talking about when we've reached the point where you won't need helicopters at all, because the the cars will be flying anyway.



The reason people ask questions they could easily Google is because they'd rather have a conversation about it.

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Watching Scooby Doo growing up made me think that losing my glasses would be a much more frequent and severe problem in life

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There should be a section on everyone's profile that shows how much karma they've given

then we know whose generous vs greedy



Considering owls are nocturnal, wouldn't it be sufficient just to say someone is an "owl" instead of a "night owl"?

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/r/OldSchoolCool has become a contest of whose grandparents looked the best

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I raise this glass to all unknown time travelers that saved this world numerous times with no credit for it.

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8 Mile is the only movie where everyone actively roots for the white guy to prevail over all the black characters.

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I wonder if anyone else gets annoyed that Facebook videos get bigger when you click on them instead of pausing.

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Most of the time bleeping out a curse word in a song is the only reason I knew there was a curse word in the song

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Saturday, September 17, 2016

Starting task manager is like a parent saying "don't make me get the belt"

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I can spend $2 almost every day on my morning coffee and it's nothing but spending $0.99 on an app seems just outrageous.

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I hope my dog never realizes that I'm full of bones

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YouTube should have an audio-only mode for listening to music on data-capped connections.

I just turn the video resolution as low as possible, but I would think that most of the data transfer still goes to the video rather than the audio.



When someone dies on a TV show, we are basically watching them get fired.

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removing a headphone jack causes more uproar than a phone that literally explodes

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It's officially that annoying time of year where it's sweater weather in the morning but by mid-day you die of heatstroke.

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I'd like to shake the hand of the person who figure out that silk screening info on shirt collars beats the hell out of scratchy, annoying tags.

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One day, my grandkids will think I'm weird for watching so many superhero movies in the same way I think my grandpa is weird for watching so many westerns.

EDIT: Since a lot of people are asking, let me clarify: It's not exactly that I think he's weird, I just sort of find it to be a very "old person" thing to do, which I can't fully understand because I'm not his age. And in the same vein, one day, kids will think the same of watching superhero movies. Don't know if that changes things, but I guess this is just an odd thought to articulate.



If a major event happened in the world and was posted on facebook, I'd probably ignore it thinking it was click-bait

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Pockets should be made out of microfiber so when we take our phones out of our pockets there are no fingerprints

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We will be the last generation to have witnessed life without the Internet.

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The older I get, the more I pity the people who say that high school was the best years of their life

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You can't tell anything about a person from their star sign, but you can tell a lot about someone who believes in them

*edit - just to make sure people don't think this is a dig at them.

I've noticed among friends and colleagues that those who believe star signs, horoscopes tend to be more open, positive, less cynical, (dare I say a gender split as well) and it tends to be an indicator of other beliefs, even taste of music, literature etc.



Bubbles underwater are the opposite of rain.

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Loner. Live alone. No family or real friends.. If I die while out and about, my dogs will probably starve at home.

Sorry for being so morbid, but this crossed my mind in the shower today (literally) and has me really freaking out. I suffer from pretty severe anxiety as well as a litany of other health problems. I live alone, semi isolated area, have no friends (just acquaintances i speak to every few months) or family.. My dogs are my best friends and just the thought of this happening is killing me. Just another thing to aggravate my anxiety. I can’t be the first person to think of this, just can’t believe its taken me this long before it crossed my mind.



Letting the two-party system set the criteria for who can debate is like letting Walmart decide the rules for where Target can open new stores.

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One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, "Samsung has had this feature for years".

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Scientists are adult kids stuck in the "why phase".

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"Survived a shark attack" sounds a lot cooler than "Almost killed by a fish".

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People who believe meat is murder are awfully calm for someone surrounded by serial killers

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If I could convince the spiders around my house to spin their webs about two feet higher, the spiders and I would all be much happier.

I would stop walking through them at eye level, and they wouldn't have to keep rebuilding.



Friday, September 16, 2016

I don't watch porn for the plot, but I do notice plot holes

Edit: I knew I should have said "inconsistencies"



Videos of people driving and snapchatting should be enough evidence to suspend or revoke licenses.

How is it not frowned upon to upload videos of yourself distracted with a smartphone while driving? Worse yet, when people clearly have their phone in-hand instead of using a car mount.



My phone should know when I'm about to watch a video I'm not trying to turn down my ring tone volume.

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If you had $1 for every year the universe has existed (approximately 13.8 billion years). You wouldn't even make the top 50 on the Forbes list.

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At some point in most of our lives, someone will say "YOU WERE BORN IN THE 1900s?!?!??"

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A bandage company should put rude and hurtful sayings on there product so that when people apply the bandage they can add insult to their injury.

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When someone gets arrested they should be allowed to make a one sentence statement to accompany their mugshot. Like a senior yearbook quote.

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I wonder if I've ever bought or drank milk from the same cow twice.

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Dating is just a series of interviews to become a partner at a two-person company whose only mission is sustaining mutual happiness.

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Why isn't there a peanut butter jar with a lid on each end?

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The guy who holds the world record for "most world records" has a lead of at least two.

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As a kid, I thought Acid Rain was going to be a much bigger deal than it is...

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Swear words are considered "Adult language", but using swear words is considered childish.

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If I know someone can take a joke/insult without being offended, then I don't mind if they insult me. But if it is someone who gets offended easily who insults me, I find that offensive.

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Driver's Ed should include a section where you're pulled over and learn how to handle interacting with a cop.

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Every morning there's a battle between 'smart me' who set the alarm and had prosperous plans, and 'dumb me' who makes a weak, incoherent case for having some additional sleep. Sadly 'dumb me' is also the decision maker.

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I wonder how many people have a picture of me riding a roller-coaster with them in their house?

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Because I have to bribe my dog to take her medication she probably thinks peanut butter has healing properties.

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South Park Has a Better Grasp of Current Events than the News Does.

Edit: http://ift.tt/2cU9Qz2 for those who haven't seen the new episode and have 20 mins to kill



99% of the conversations I practice in my head never happen.

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Two babies born at the same time on different sides of the world would have different birthdays.

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A cell phone doesn’t seem that heavy till you drop it on your face while laying down.

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The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.

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Sometimes I quickly jump to my feet and act as though I heard something that put me on high alert just so that my dog things I've got more impressive senses than him.

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As a man, I want to compliment random people, but there's almost no way to do that without it being weird or as if I'm hitting on the person.

I just want to say positive things out loud sometimes, but I never do because it'll probably just create an awkward situation.



The skydiving business exists only because of surviviors bias. Its a bit hard to leave a bad review.

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The only way I ever know that Apple is releasing something new is when I see/hear friends complaining about it.

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Duets are the sex scenes of Disney movies.

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As a child eating lunch alone is the worst thing in the world; as an adult eating lunch alone is a quiet treat.

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Thursday, September 15, 2016

I wonder how many reddit posts and comments I've read are from someone that I know personally and don't know their username

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As an adult, I no longer masturbate because I'm horny. It's either to relieve stress or because im bored.

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When an app asks me if I'm enjoying it, I usually click "No" just to avoid being asked to review it

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There is probably an actual person named Jake who works at State Farm, and he probably hears a joke about it every single day.

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No matter how stupid you think your ideas are, remember, there’s a millionaire out there because of pool noodles.

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The phrase “Don’t you dare” is actually the phrase “Do not you dare”. And that confuses me.

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I wonder if birds on my feeder are friends or if it’s like a public bathroom and no one makes eye contact.

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I have arrived at the time in my life where 100$ is barely anything to receive, but way too much to give.

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As a kid, getting too big for your clothes is exciting and good. As an adult, it’s depressing and awful.

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As an adult I don't procrastinate; I just straight out ignore my responsibilities.

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I'll bet the leaders of the Flat Earth Society don't actually believe the Earth is flat, but they want a free ride into space from frustrated NASA scientists who want to prove them wrong by showing them personally.

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Your anus can release material all three states of matter. Solid, liquid, gas.

edit: besides plasma



Students are stereotypically viewed as being lazy, but I worked ten times harder as a student than I do in my career now

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As someone without a cell phone - my biggest fear is that I'm going to be in a bank when it is being robbed and have the gunman ask for my phone as I explain that I don't have one. He won't believe me and then I'll be the example that gets shot.

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"Quit your job and follow your dreams" only works because 99% of people won't do it.

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I wonder if Rick Astley thinks, "Got me again, you bastard" every time he looks in a mirror

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When Artificial Intelligence can untangle a string of Christmas lights I'll be impressed

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Most celebrities barely have high school diplomas, so who really cares what they think on substantive issues.

Credits to GSElevator



Literally the only purpose for the cover of a book is so you can judge the book.

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Those "please disable adblock" messages are just ads for ads.

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Half the time when it says the video will start after an advertisement I decide, "Meh, I don't really want to watch this video that much anyways" and close it.

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Wednesday, September 14, 2016

The movie Snowden should be leaked online before it gets released in theaters.

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Whenever I misspell a word so badly that auto-correct can't recommend anything, I feel like I've beaten AI by being a moron.

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There should be bloopers at the end of horror films to relax the viewer before sleeping.

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Hands down the stupidest thing I have ever seen on reddit has to be these people saying the terms female/male is dehumanizing

How exactly is calling someone a male or female offensive.



My 13 year old self would be appalled and disgusted by how often I'm not in the mood to have sex with the beautiful woman who shares my bed every night.

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It's never too late to apologize. It only might be too late to have your apology accepted.

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When I was a kid, the Bundy's were poor. Now I wish I could afford a house like that....

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10 years ago I used to joke about how in the heck Fidel Castro is still alive. Fidel Castro is STILL alive.

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Hard drive recovery will be a valuable skill for future archaeologists.

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I hate when people show me YouTube videos but love showing people YouTube videos

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Women tend to laugh at jokes told by men they think are attractive. It probably makes it confusing for guys who are legitimately funny but not attractive.

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Most of the sky is actually below you

I tried to draw something to help you picture what is in my mind.



Since Britain's new £5 note is washable, you can now launder money without being arrested for it.

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Can we start calling Walruses: Saber Tooth Seals?

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As a redhead, no matter where I go in the world I'll always be a minority.

Ginger Lives Matter



You know how you can tap on YouTube videos to see how much time is left? I wish I could do that when some people talk

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If a 'planet of the apes' scenario ever becomes real, all the harambe memes will likely become a problem.

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I've spent thousands of hours writing academic papers for school that only a few people read whereas a stupid comment I've written on Reddit in just a few seconds has been read by thousands.

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A modern "V for Vendetta" revolution would probably use masks of Pepe the Frog instead of Guy Faukes.

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Eating honey is tasting the sweetness of a million flowers collected by an army of insects

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Now that I'm a parent I realize that my parents always wanted me to go to bed early because they wanted to go to bed early...

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We live in a society so selfish that people get offended FOR other people so they get attention

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Tuesday, September 13, 2016

If you see a UFO, and then you figure out what it is, it's an FO. And if you see it land, it's just an O.

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What if Earth is like one of those uncontacted tribes in South America, like the whole Galaxy knows we're here but they've agreed not to contact us until we figure it out for ourselves.

Like say ufo's are real but it's just like when those tribes see planes flying by, they freak out and run around telling the whole tribe, they probably have wild stories about what they are and where they come from too.

Extraterrestrials see us like we see those tribes.



I only ever wear my black suit to funerals. I own clothes that hang in my closet, waiting for someone to die.

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If someone says they will "google" something in a show or a movie, they probably aren't getting payed for it. But if they say they will look something up on Bing, you can bet it's product placement.

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No one has looked at my computer in over 3 years, but I still go incognito when I watch porn.

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I share my random thoughts with strangers because my family members won't care about them.

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Why is suicide selfish, but expecting someone to go on with their unwanted life so nobody has to deal with the "loss" isn't?

All credit goes to this post in r/depression To me, it felt like it needed to be shared as a shower thought.

http://ift.tt/2cam5cq



If a rapper raps about how much money he has I just download his music for free.

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My childhood punishments (going to bed early, not leaving the house, etc) have become goals as an adult.

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There should be a word for getting nostalgic about a video game, installing it, playing it for 10 minutes and getting bored because you've already finished it a hundred times and then deleting in.

Similar to the japanese slang term tsundoku for buying lots of books but not reading them, there should be a word for the above because it's a recurring cycle for me every other week. I currently refer to it as the Mass Effect 1 syndrome.



When I drop an ice cube, my first thought is to kick it under the fridge instead of picking it up

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All restaurants are 'all you can eat' it just depends on how much money you have.

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By strategically tapping on a piece of glass, I can make anything from a pizza to a hooker to a widescreen TV just turn up at my house.

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Every morning you get up, you're thousands of miles away from the position where you went to bed the last night.

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People used to save the newspapers from the day their baby was born. By the time I have mine, I'll probably screenshot the front page of reddit.

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I thought I had become more confident over the years. It's actually more the realization that strangers don't care about my actions, the same way I don't care about theirs.

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In order to grow our muscles, we kill other animals and eat THEIR muscles.

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When you kill a cockroach and put it in the trashcan it's kinda like sending it to their version of heaven

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We eat out of bowls using smaller bowls.

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I miss the days when everyone's website had hit counters.

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I wonder if my pets really like me or suffer from Stockholm syndrome

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Everything I've ever heard about homeless people told me they're all junkies and users, until I became homeless and realized way more people just have bad luck. Stereotypes have caused me to be physically attacked. We give too much power to assumptions.

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A 49 year old women who had the condition dwarfism was killed recently, in the South of England, when her specially adapted parachute failed to open. She landed on a parked car in a cul-de-sac. It's very tragic but can you imagine the insurance claim from the car owner? Would they be believed?

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The fact more people die from vending machines falling on them than from shark attacks is supposed to make me less afraid of sharks. Instead I've developed an irrational fear of vending machines.

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I wish I could recharge my mobile data when I'm connected to wi-fi

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Why do I need to click an extra button on my phone's keyboard to get to the apostrophe when it is used primarily to shorten the amount of time used to write a word?

Think about it.

Mm hmm.



The first meal in many people's new homes is Pizza & Beer

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It's amazing how people will run for the elevator but won't take the stairs

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Monday, September 12, 2016

The people offended at NFL players kneeling during the National Anthem, are the same people who think this country is too easily offended

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You don't truly appreciate how good it is to not be sick until you get sick.

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I'm more careful about not getting a computer virus than I am about not getting a virus in real life

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I would rather risk buying an exploding Samsung phone than an iPhone without a headphone Jack

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During world war 2, Germany had the extended arm, the US had the victory sign, and Russia the uplifted fist. — All together just an escalated game of rock-paper-scissors.

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I wonder if I am still "it" from a game of tag?

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I can't submit anything on reddit because most subreddits want a minimum amount of karma. I can't get any karma because I'm not allowed to submit anything. This feels just like applying for jobs that demand work experience after studying ...

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My iPhone doesn't autocorrect me when I type in caps because it thinks I'm angry and doesn't want to get involved.

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Maybe Bigfoot discovered shaving a while back and now people just think he's some tall dude when he's on the bus or whatever

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The final test in marriage counseling should be to assemble an Ikea table together and then play Monopoly on it.

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The most annoying thing in life is when you move all your grocery bags to one hand to fetch your keys only to find that they are in the other pocket.

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Growing up, I've noticed that a lot of adults who I thought were really smart are actually just full of shit and very confident.

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The "unfollow" option on Facebook was the best thing to happen to that site.

I don't like to see my extended families' grandma style memes.



Google should make a new filter: No Pintrest results.

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If the Queen in Snow White has magic powers and can turn herself into an old hag why doesn't she turn herself into someone more beautiful than Snow White?

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If getting a dog from the animal shelter is much better than getting one from a breeder, then people should stop getting their own children and start adopting.

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The Jedi would have endured far fewer mishaps in Star Wars if light sabres had those handy little wrist straps.

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The only time I press the 'Insert' key is again right after I accidentally press the 'Insert' key

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When you type "lol" the wavy red line that indicates a spelling error makes it look like a drowning person.

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Every time a wind farm powers my desk fan, I'm just teleporting wind.

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Universities should be free upfront and take 10% of your earnings for the first 10 years of your career. So they would be motivated to teach you useful stuff.

Maybe 15 years for BAs



In a world full of "devices" & heads down, Ferris Bueller's quote "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it" seems more pertinent every day.

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Somewhere there's American kid having a pretty lousy 15th birthday party. I hope they're not twins.

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Guys think girls dress up for them, but really, girls dress to impress other girls. Guys work out and think it'll impress girls, but mostly impress other dudes that work out.

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The best way to insult a hipster is to tell them they look like somebody else you know.

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I wish I could know how many people thought about me when they were masturbating

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Buck and doe are both terms for deer. Buck and dough are both terms for cash.

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When I was a kid my parents told me I wouldn't enjoy getting mail. Jokes on them, I pay my bills online and the only thing I get in the mail are parcels from Amazon.

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Sunday, September 11, 2016

After clearing browser history, there should be an option to fill up history with "normal" websites instead of it just being empty.

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"Child porn" is the only phrase in the English language that I'd be genuinely afraid to type into Google.

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The NFL is basically watching millionaires beat the shit out of each other for ugly jewelry

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there must be millions of comments on reddit that never got viewed by anyone except the OP

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I've literally broken enough minor laws that if fully punished I would spend the rest of my life in jail, but I've never even been arrested.

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Think about how dangerous and bizarre Walmart would be if it were as poorly lit as Hollister.

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Most people probably have a great fashion sense but simply aren't wealthy enough to show it.

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We waste a lot of water thinking

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Wile E. Coyote is an embarrassment to his species. Coyotes can max out at roughly 43 mph but roadrunners top out at 20

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I replaced facebook with reddit and my life has been way better!

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When I was a kid I thought finding worms in apples was going to be a much bigger problem than it has turned out to be!

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If I had the power to go back in time once, I'd probably save that power like my rare potions in video games and eventually finish the game without using it.

For clarification, you can only go back in time, say, 20 minutes. I'd skip all the embarrassing things that have happened to me thinking there is something more important, only to realise when i'm 70 that I really fucked up when I was "X" years old and should have redid that moment.



Teenagers aren't in a rebellious stage they just reached an age where they know that adults don't have a magic stopping power.

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I wish I could see a slow-mo replay of all the times I unknowingly almost died

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If I can re-watch my life as a movie, it will probably be incredibly cringeworthy and frustrating.

Just imagine watching yourself doing the following things:

  • the first time you kissed/had sex
  • wasting hours doing nothing or something completely useless
  • your first job interview
  • asking your parents for their hard-earn money to buy useless shit


When I'm stuck in traffic, I'm not upset about the number of cars and reduced speed. I'm upset about all the damn idiots that drove so badly to make it so slow and bunched up.

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Juice sounds good, but juices sounds nasty.

Even juicy sounds good.



I wonder how hard it is for new ambulance drivers to "break the habit" of stopping at red lights

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At this point the phrase "beating a dead horse" should be replaced with "beating a dead gorilla"

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I never see a TL;DR until after I've already read the whole post.

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Brace yourselves for the annoying fucks who will try to convince you Apple invented wireless earphones

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On 9/11, I remember how the country came together. 15 years later, I don't think it's been further apart.

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52 Card Pickup is a really fast game if you keep the cards in the box.

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Dogs would feel so betrayed if they ever learned the majority of our short trips out are to go eat without them.

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We give stars to both Generals and Pre-schoolers for succeeding in their respective fields.

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The movie "It" should be remade every 23 to 27 years with the child cast from the previous version starring as the adults in the new version

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It's probably good Harambe was shot - "dicks out for dead kids" really wouldn't get the same sort of support.

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I wish I could see all of the pictures I've accidentally been in the background of.

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Saturday, September 10, 2016

Why is it when a woman is a "bitch" she's angry and aggressive, but when a guy is a "bitch" he's meek and submissive?

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Some or all of the money collected from wishing wells or fountains should be donated to the Make A Wish Foundation, that way the coins tossed really did make a wish come true.

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I see kids at my college driving $60,000 cars yet earlier today I used quarters to buy gas.

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People who speak multiple languages get another go at listening to airport announcements

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You know you've officially broken in a new phone when it stops trying to auto-correct "Fuck" for you.

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I've spanked my wife way more than her parent ever did.

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I may go through my whole life with an allergy without ever knowing what it is

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I think marijuana is illegal because the pharmecutical companies can't patent a plant.

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