Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Every time I'm with the guys and I'm texting a girl I'm into, they're all super supportive and spur me on. If that girl becomes a girlfriend it instantly becomes frowned upon and anti-social.

Every time I hear someone start a sentence "With all due respect" My ears perk up with anticipation for the incontrovertibly disrespectful insult that's surely to follow.

Even if its directed at me :) Because lets be honest, everyone loves a good disrespectful insult.

When I was a child, I didn't want to sleep because I was scared of having nightmares. Now, all I want to do is sleep because life is worse than any nightmare I could have.

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If I was in the mafia the first thing I would invest in is a remote car starter

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Someone should make a TV show which starts out as a typical Sitcom but loses the laugh track mid-season and progresses into a dark dystopian nightmare.

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Becoming an adult feels a lot like becoming the captain of a ship that is already sinking.

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If you're a gay guy who was born by cesarean, you might be one of the very few people on the planet to never touch a vagina.

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About 50 yards into any lake, there must be a ring of awesome skipping stones.

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If I eat the same breakfast every day for a year no one will care but if I eat the same dinner every night for a year everyone will think I'm crazy.

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7 billion people experienced yesterday differently

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Literally nobody but Noah thought to get in a fuckin boat?

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Tuesday, November 29, 2016

I'm like an apple. Everyone likes apples, but no-one loves apples.

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Counterclockwise is clockwise if you are the clock.

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The reason Voldemort is bald is so that nobody can use his hair for Polyjuice potion

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26 sleeps until Christmas, unless you smoke meth, then it's like 3 more sleeps.

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UPS will leave a $900 video card on my porch without even knocking but I have to sign for a $10 pizza

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One day someone will say "I don't want to live on this planet anymore", and will indeed leave for another planet.

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Stargazing is a lot more painful during the day than it is at night.

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Fire trucks are actually water trucks.

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As a chef, my entire life's work literally turns to shit.

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"Do you have any idea who my father is?" Can be two very different questions depending on how you grew up

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Earth actually has only one ocean. It's divided into five because humans are idiots.

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Girls nipples get censored on TV, however guys nipples are OK. Can you sensor girl nipples by photo shopping guy nipples over them?

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Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don't like them.

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People who criticize our generation are also quick to forget that they're the generation who raised it.

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When I was younger, I thought adults always knew everything, now that I am 25, I realize that most adults know nothing and just BS their way through life.

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The most underrated people are the ones who sift through all the shitty posts in new

You know who you are

If you're ever bored, tell yourself that you're going to clean your apartment. You will find endless crap to look at on the Internet.

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Imagine how terrifying fire would be if it wasn't a light source...

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a bomb that counted up would be way more horrifying than a bomb that counts down

with a bomb that counts down you know how much time you have but if it counts up it's unpredictable because every second is one second closer to the unknown

The biggest lie I was told in school was that I wouldn't always have a calculator with me.

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Making your phone background a picture of your significant other is the 21st century version of keeping a photo of your significant other in your pocketwatch or locket.

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Monday, November 28, 2016

Schools should start teaching kids how to recognize and avoid faulty news sources and click bait articles in technology classes.

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I'm disappointed that I'm not being offered drugs as much as the school system has prepared me for.

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I want Reddit to add a counter for how much karma I've handed out.

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Pokémon Go should have a global rankings system. So we know who is the very best.... like no one ever was

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"Short, sweet, and to the point" is a pretty roundabout way of saying " concise".

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I never fully appreciate how good normal feels till after I get over a cold.

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Someone should implement a device in toilets so that if you don't flush, you can't open the door

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The day will come when a common excuse for being late will be, "My car was glitchy after its update."

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I want to know what lava feels like. I'm not a complete moron and I do realize that it is extremely hot but I want to know what the texture and consistency (etc.) feel like.

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Art is how we decorate space, music is how we decorate time.

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I will never read "🔥" as "lit"

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If the movie "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids" took place in Australia, those kids would have died real fucking quick.

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Amazon Prime needs an "In Cognito" feature so you can use it to order gifts for someone who you share an account with.

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If a million of us picked a random redditor and followed them on social media, we could make someone famous overnight.

/r/overnightcelebrity was a cool subreddit for this that never really gained popularity. Head over there if you're interested!

Netflix and HBO are like a fridge full of food with nothing I want to eat.

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It's not a "(grilled cheese) sandwich," it's a "grilled (cheese sandwich)"

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For a detective, a surprise party is the ultimate insult.

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The people you see driving retired police cars always look like they've spent time riding in the back of police cars.

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A Reddit Gold feature I would pay for is a browsing option where posts I've already seen are hidden from my front page.

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There should be an r/all that is just nsfw

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Snails would be scary as fuck if they were fast

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Sunday, November 27, 2016

Reddit is one of the biggest sites where users don't have profile pictures.

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A college diploma is just a fancy receipt

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A tornado in reverse is like a magical cloud that builds homes and city infrastructure in messy areas for a bunch of crying homeless people.

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Killer bees did not turn out to be as big a problem as I thought they would be when I was a kid

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It just occurred to me that duels were most likely scheduled at high noon so that the sun wasn't in either opponent's eyes.

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To me, memes are inside jokes that i have with strangers.

So... yea

If you type a website's url in caps locks it should be a more extreme version of the same website

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The person who introduced the "undo" feature into computer programs deserves a Nobel Prize or something equivalent.

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There should be a millenial edition of Monopoly where you just walk round the board paying rent, never able to buy anything.

Credit - @mutablejoe

It's more rare to find a book that isn't a New York Times best seller

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Maybe depressed people aren't really depressed but more in touch with reality and less manipulated by the way others think?

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If someone made me memorize 84 objects and their exact spatial relationship, I would think it's impossible, yet I'm typing this without looking at my keyboard

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I'm not afraid to die. I'm just pissed off that I have to.

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I would be so much more willing to buy music if I could pay the artist directly.

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People who don't sleep enough die early, but people who do sleep enough just sleep through their extra time.

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I wish there was an setting to remove the "log in with Facebook" option from all websites and apps.

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When your gas tank is empty it is full of gas

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If Apple owned the ISS it would spell disaster for other spacecraft that wanted to dock with it.

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I come off of reddit, wait 5 minutes and expect there to be 8 hours worth of new posts to look at

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Saying atheism is a religion, is like saying silence is a form of music

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I never realized how boring my life is until someone asks what do I do for fun...

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A person with actual psychic powers would more likely be found working on Wall Street than working as a fortune teller.

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It seems that Fidel Castro just couldn't live in a world without Florence Henderson.

RIP, Mrs. Brady.

BIH, Dicktator Castro.

Seeing what my friends post on FB makes me question why I even know the person, but seeing funny and witty comments on Reddit makes me wish I was friends with that Redditor in real life.

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There are only two days in your lifetime that aren't 24 hours long.

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Saturday, November 26, 2016

The ground is the only thing I'm more afraid of the further away I get from it.

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Being a millennial is like inheriting a burning house only to be told it's our fault we can't handle the heat.

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The most amazing thing about Google probably is that its creators couldn't use Google when creating it.

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They tell you not to get tattoos when you're young because you'll regret it later but they also tell you to make all your educational and financial plans when you're barely old enough to buy cigarets and that's acceptable.

Edit: Cigarettes* my bad lol.

If tomb is pronounced "toom" and womb is pronounced "woom", shouldn't bomb be pronounced "boom"?

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Tall people are expected to use their reach to help shorter people, but if a tall person were to ask a short person to hand them something they dropped on the floor it'd be insulting.

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It puts into perspective how much technology has changed when watching a cut scene on a game and my mother asks what film in watching

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A serial killer's mind might be more organized and objective-oriented than yours.

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If the last era was the Information Age, then we are now entering the Misinformation Age

Edit: Didn't expect this to get this much attention!

Just wanted to say that I know misinformation is not new, just like information wasn't new in the Information Age. I should've made that clearer. I just figured it was more prominent, accessible and widespread to the point that it could possibly be the defining feature.

People always say Superman putting a hat and glasses on is a terrible disguise, but it's the one most celebrities use to go to the supermarket and it works sometimes.

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"Dammit, I forgot to charge my car!" - a sentence that will likely be pretty common in the future.

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Car design used to accommodate smokers with lighters and ash trays, but now we're a decade into the smartphone era, and auto makers still haven't thought to include a phone mount.

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Before I die and donate my body to science, I'm going to tattoo my body with images from the board game "Operation."

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In fiction, girls painfully slap their boyfriends and it's portrayed as comedic and deserved. But when a guy does something like grab her wrist that is not nearly as painful, it's portrayed as dark and abusive.

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A kick to the balls should be considered as a sexual assault as it involves forceful mishandling of one's genitals without their consent,even may cause permanent harm.

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I'm a little disappointed there weren't any James Bond movies that came out in 2007.

The first time since the year 1007 for it to happen. Now they have to wait until 3007.

Holidays aren't fun anymore when you realize you come from a low-income family and your parents stress so much over the holidays.

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Seth MacFarlane is essentially arguing with himself in different voices during most episode's of Family Guy.

I'm so serious. Watch almost any episode and he is just arguing/debating with himself.

Rich people dont talk about car troubles. Middle class people talk about how their car troubles inconvenienced their day. Poor people talk about their car troubles as if one of their family members are dying.

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I'm More Picky About the Porn I Watch Than the Food I Eat.

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You can get a ticket for not wearing a seatbelt, but motorcycles are a thing.

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Friday, November 25, 2016

One of the reasons sports like Soccer and Rugby aren't popular in the states is because they are sports with continuous play and have no time for commercials to profit from

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At night, I don't want to go to bed because there are things I'd rather do. In the morning, I don't want to get out of bed because there are things I'd rather not do.

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You know you're old when you fall down and no one laughs

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Tracking your family ancestry is only accurate if you assume none of your family cheated and none of them had another person's kid.

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Only since joining Reddit I've realised how much other web content is essentially just the front page of Reddit, 24-48hrs delayed.

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If you're feeling bored, find a group photo of 4 girls on Instagram, and then comment, "You 3 look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.

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When a character in a movie says, "Let's Google that", they probably aren't paid. However, when they say, "Let's Bing that", they are most definitely paid.

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When I was younger, I used to lie on the Internet, and my friends IRL knew the "real me," now, I'm brutally honest online, and lie to my friends IRL

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If Drake and Taylor Swift went out, we would hear both sides of the break up.

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Favorite part of black Friday is Saturday when all the fights are uploaded to youtube

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A bucket is just a portable hole.

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As someone who used to just google all sorts pictures for reference, my greatest enemy on the internet at this moment IS PINTEREST!

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It would make more sense if Daredevil (a guy that is blind but can see the world through his heightened senses) was Batman, and Batman (a rich guy that uses grappling hooks, gliders and other tools to get around the city) was Daredevil.

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When Android asks if I want to use that app 'Just once' or 'Always' I feel it's asking me for a commitment I'm just not ready to give

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I'm almost 100% sure you're neglecting to do something important right now...

And I'm reminding you that you can't escape from it.

Building a tree house is horrible, it's like killing a person and then nailing him to his best friend.

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Why do they say the sky is blue? It is black for literally the exact same amount of time.

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It's acceptable to say "hey, man" to a man, but not "hey, woman" to a woman. It's acceptable to say "hey, girl" to a woman, but not "hey, boy" to a man.

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At some point during cooking, your turkey reaches the same average temperature as its living body temp for the first time since its demise.

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Calling films "movies" is like calling photographs "stillies".

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Alot of people look to the stars in hopes to one day meet a friendly Alien race, yet we cant even get along with humans of a different color.

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As a Chinese student, i signed up in Reddit to enhance my English. And now realizing i spend the most time in aww

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"Amen" is like the religious version for "tru dat"

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If I were an optometrist I would make sure all my direct mail, billboards and storefront sign were just slightly blurry.

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Why do people want quiet bathroom fans when sound camouflage is at least 50% of the functionality.

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Memes will definitely show up in history books.

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Childhood is just the 'free trial' edition of life. When it ends, you have to pay for the full version or else you'll lose everything.

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Every time I get sick I think about the times I wasn't sick and how much I took that for granted

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There should be a 'no carts, no baskets' line at every grocery market where you can only purchase what you can carry

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Thursday, November 24, 2016

Every paper towel commercial reminds me that the cleanest solution is to just not have children.

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Trees reproduce through anonymous group sex.

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I feel like I would be a lot more willing to download the Pintrest app if the website didn't try to force me to do it every 7 seconds

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The Mannequin Challenge is the exact opposite of the Harlem Shake

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100 years ago, the richest person on the planet couldn't even dream of having access to the things I take for granted now.

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On the internet, jokes are taken way too seriously and serious events are mainly joked about.

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Why is it people often ask, "where will I go when I die," but rarely ask, "where was I before I was born"?

credit to /u/waveform for the aha-moment. here

If autonomous cars are programmed to stop for pedestrians, New Yorkers will just walk out in front of them all the time.

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If Netflix had a Twitch chat, a lot of bad movies would be worth watching

The amount of spoilers, on the other hand, would be ridiculous.

They should play heavy metal in malls during Black Friday, so the whole chaos becomes one friendly mosh pit.

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In the future, there will be a massive demand for video games in senior living homes.

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Every time I see a guy getting pulled over on the highway, I wish I could thank them for taking one for the team.

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I'm only done browsing Reddit on mobile when I press the wrong part of the screen and it scrolls all the way back to the top.

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If people start getting mad at automated cars it would be road rage against the machine

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Even though songs are sometimes described as sounding like "elevator music" I don't think I've ever been in an elevator that has been playing any music. Ever.

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Wednesday, November 23, 2016

It's really strange how you never see someone with the same couch as you have.

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"I don't watch any Television anymore" is proudly being said by a person that wastes 5-8 hours every day browsing reddit.

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Apple has anorexia: it is obsessed with thinness which leads it to remove things people actually need.

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Ever since i got adblock , single women in my area dont want sex anymore.

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Turning my computer off by holding down the power button feels like I'm choking it to death

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I am not above wanking it to a PETA "nude models" calendar whilst eating a ham sandwich.

Just heard Alicia Silverstone was doing, or already did, a striptease catalog for PETA. Couldn't get over the excitement of seeing my childhood crush naked, rather than educate myself as to why she was doing it. Thanks PETA!

The way Valve keeps updating TF2 feels like a Mom threatening to count to 3, but never getting there. "Two! Two and a half..."

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Cartoon Villains show best that hard work doesn't always pay off.

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My generation is told we don't respect our elders. We are also mocked for wanting "participation trophies". But demanding respect for your age, with no consideration for intelligence or contribution, is the ultimate participation trophy.

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If someone spits in their hand and touches me clothed, im disgusted. If someone spits in their hand and touches my penis. I'm delighted.

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When my son was born I had to spend a few hundred dollars on a car seat for his safety, but when he gets older he'll ride the school bus... which doesn't have any seat belts.

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I look up tips on how to avoid procrastination and then I save them to read later.

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I realized a lethal dose is also a life time supply.

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Telling someone you're going to sue them is the adult equivalent of children saying they're going to tell on someone

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The commercialization of ugly sweaters is ruining ugly sweaters.

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What if Socrates was being literal when he said "I know nothing" and the Socratic Method was just him asking questions because he had no idea what was going on?

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The people of Pompeii... Mannequin challenge champions since 79AD.

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Acid rain has turned out not being as big of a problem I thought it would be as a kid.

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When I cook food, I hope it tastes like it's from a restaurant. When I eat at a restaurant, I hope the food tastes home cooked.

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I can have a good conversation with any girl, but once I start to have feelings for one, I blank.

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Everybody likes the guy who works hard... but nobody likes the guy who tells you how hard he works.

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Redbull seems to sponsor the activities you would least likely to get drowsy doing.

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Opening Reddit when I'm bored is such a habit that sometimes I close my browser when I'm bored of Reddit, only to open Reddit again.

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My "I'll be home in 5 minutes" and my wife's "I'll be ready in 5 minutes" is the same thing.

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I fix mistakes made by Autocorrect way more than Autocorrect fixes my mistakes.

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Since you don't get your pokéball back when it fails to catch a pokémon, shouldn't the roads be littered with them?

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When you consider the size of the universe, or even the size of our galaxy, "the speed of light" is actually painfully slow.

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The last 1/10 of my tank of gas seems to last exponentially longer than the first 1/10

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When I cant sleep at night, its either because I cant wait to be tomorrow or either because I dont want to be tomorrow.

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Despite the phrase "fits like a glove", I've never found a glove that fits quite right.

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It's funny how axe handles are made of wood, it's like the ultimate 'Fuck you' to trees.

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As far as my stomach knows, all potatoes are mashed.

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It blows my mind that there are people who don't feel depression/anxiety every day.

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Dogs returning, yet refusing to let go of the ball when playing fetch is the dog equivalent of a human pretending to throw the ball, but really holding onto it.

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The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.

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As a child, I loved it when friends showed up unannounced. As an adult, I'm not answering my door for anyone that shows up out of the blue.

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Sleep is an addictive hallucinogen. It puts you in a state of altered reality and you go through pretty serious withdrawal symptoms when you try to quit it.

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Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Many women say men are privileged because they don't have to deal with 'unwanted compliments' - yet as a guy, I'd give anything to get even one compliment. The idea of an 'unwanted' one just doesn't register with me

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Life on earth is the cosmic equivalent of what happens when you don’t store things in a cool dry place.

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The people who used to tell me Wikipedia can't be trusted now think Facebook is a acceptable news source

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If someone said "I do marijuana", it would instantly tell you that they don't, in fact, do marijuana

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Everyone stopped worrying about cellphones giving you cancer or starting fires at gas stations after they got games, apps and full access to the internet.

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Facebook's memories reminder is a great tool to delete the old posts that i'm ashamed of now.

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As a kid, I hated wearing black socks. As an adult, I prefer it.

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The saying "be the person your dog thinks you are" doesn't work as well for cat owners since my cats basically think I'm an automated food dispenser mixed with a Roomba

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Thinking my cat was simple minded for being entertained by string. Only to realize I was being entertained by a cat playing with a string.

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I just pooped in 1.4 liters of water that was much cleaner than what half the world gets to drink.

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I have no problem reading dense 700+ page books, but I regularly close out websites just because I hate clicking "next page."

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The guy who discovered that blue cheese is still OK to eat probably tasted a lot of questionable shit in his lifetime.

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When someone says there may be aliens in other galaxies, I'm inclined to believe them. When someone says they have proof, I think they're full of crap.

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God was the original fat-shamer when he made gluttony one of the seven deadly sins.

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Good people are probably the ones that feel like bad people the most.

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My mom has 7 siblings. Ideally she doesn't want to go to any of her siblings funerals but realistically she wants to be the one that goes to all of her siblings funerals.

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I think we should all take a moment to thank Hulu and Netflix for not putting comment sections on their videos

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If you spend 10 minutes a day pooping at work, at the end the year you'll have been paid for over 40 hours worth of defecation.

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Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes worth of work in 8 hours, and 8 hours worth of work in 30 minutes

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Every day, one person has the largest bowel movement of the day.

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An Antarctic accent is probably just a stutter.

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I used to laugh at Mr Bean. But now I envy him; he has his own apartment, a car, and a girlfriend. Oh, and apparently no job.

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"Lenny face ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)" is this decade's "That's what she said"

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If I found a burny mouthwash & a non-burny mouthwash that were both equally as effective, I would choose the burny one

It means it works

If necessity is the mother of invention, laziness is probably the father.

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If there ever is WW3, my thought as I grab my semi automatic rifle would be "Oh well, time to earn me a wikipedia page"

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Monday, November 21, 2016

If someone offered to pay for my food and rent for the next 18 years, I'd do anything they ask of me. But I complained every time I took the trash out while living at my parent's house.

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YouTube should only allow people to comment if they have watched the entire video.

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If you skip a song on Pandora with 10 seconds or less to go it should not count as a skip.

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If it wasn't for terminal velocity we'd probably die every time we went outside in the rain.

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Humans are funny creatures.They invent machines to skip efforts and then invent gyms to make up for the efforts they skipped.

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"If it's stupid and it works, it's not stupid" doesn't apply to people.

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"Ice cold water" is false advertising.

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My parents taught me to be kind and humble, honest and hardworking, and to save an unnecessary fuckton of plastic bags under the sink.

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I am 100% less likely to click a link from a google result that has [AD] next to it.

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Black Friday is like the purge, anything is okay for 1 day and there are two types of people, those who participate in the chaos, and those who hide from it.

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I spend most of my time at work to pay rent for a place that I hardly see because I'm at work

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People are more willing to talk about their sex lives, than their salaries.

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The porn comment section is friendlier then the YouTube comment sections

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Everyone thought it was socially acceptable for me to know about murder at a young age, but not sex. As a 19 year old, sex is a big feature in my life, but I've never killed a person.

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I always assume all skulls are male.

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Punishing students who skip class with a suspension makes no sense

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Imgurians are like the people that live inside Rick Sanchez's battery.

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Parking meters are just a convenient way to pay rent on a small plot of land.

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Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable

Make your comments sexy people.

What if your phobias is how you died in past lives?

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Someone in the world has masturbated more than anyone else.

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Traffic lights should have a progress bar

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An adult placed into a different time period would struggle to adjust mentally, but babies would do just fine

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If a priest will start to marry gay couples in countries where it's banned he has a good chance of becoming a saint in about a hundred years

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The creator of the internet is in his 70's. If I saw him, I might mistake him for just another grandpa who doesn't know how to use the internet.

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If Solar Roofs become the norm, the Zombie Apocalypse would become a lot easier to survive.

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Sunday, November 20, 2016

If you buy another monitor you gain extra desktop space, but lose space on your desktop irl

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"That's nice, dear." Is your Grandma's version of "Cool story, bro."

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If someone says "only God can judge me" I instantly judge them

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Raisins are just grape jerky.

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Google maps should have a feature that shuts off navigation when you to yell out "I see it" or "I got it from here"

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It must be really tough for children of doctors to convince their parents that they're sick when they're not

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I press 'later' instead of 'never' when applications ask for a rating because I don't want to hurt it's feelings

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There are more stars in the known universe than there are grains of sand. But in a single grain of sand there are more atoms than there are stars in the known universe.

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If you were actually so important that you have to text while you drive, you'd have a driver driving you around.

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When I'm part of a perfectly executed four-way stop it makes me think there's still hope for humanity

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If blind people use brooms instead of canes the world would be much cleaner.

/r/meanjokes

To a four-leaf clover, humans are bad luck.

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Every time you jack off you make millions of potential "I wish I was never born" come true.

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Cleaning your toilet is like bleaching your house's anus

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If you wear a shirt iniside out, the entire universe would be wearing it except you.

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Someone saying they're 18 sounds a lot more mature than someone saying they're born in 1998

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Hard times create strong men. Strong men create good times. Good times create weak men. Weak men create hard times.

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When people ask a question on reddit when they can simply google it, it's mostly because they want ro have a mini discussion about that topic.

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We appear to apes what we think aliens looks like. Pale, big head, with advanced technology, and we even "abduct" them for cientific purposes.

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You don't pull down your pants, you push them down.

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Why do I spend 20 mins searching for something to watch on Netflix, only to pick up my phone to read reddit as soon as the show starts?

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As an introvert, the one thing I like about meeting new people is being able to reuse all my old jokes and stories.

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Honey is the only type of animal vomit that humans think is delicious.

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Just to keep safe, I occasionally look dead into my webcam, and say "I know you're there", so that anyone who may be watching gets freaked out and might stop.

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Every time you paint a room, it gets very fractionally smaller.

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Saturday, November 19, 2016

Astronauts are the ultimate combo of nerd and jock.

They have to be rocket scientists and in great shape.

There are porn stars who eat ass on a daily basis, yet I still get a sore throat from sharing my drink with someone.

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Every time my 82 year-old mom asks me yet ANOTHER annoying question about her iPhone... I'm happy that she's still here to ask the question (love ya mom).

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If I smoke pot my employer will fire me...but if I get drunk and go to jail for assault...they are cool with it.

Doesnt that seem messed up?

It makes no sense that womens pants have fake pockets but baby pants have real pockets

I mean how the hell do clothes designers justify that baby's need pockets more than a grown woman?

There is someone right now in North Korea getting slammed by his friends for being a conspiracy theorist when he says Kim Jong Un censors the media and lies about the world.

Dude yeah right...Do you know how crazy you sound?

If you Google a company that you suspect to be a pyramid scheme and the first link that comes up is from the company itself denying that it's a pyramid scheme, then you know for sure that the company is a pyramid scheme.

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No one has ever been in an empty room.

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I will half-ass an assignment worth 20% of my grade, but spend hours on an extra credit assignment worth 1 point.

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Pacman is the first survival game where the undead chase you.

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I feel more like a citizen of the internet than of my own country

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Due to the Earth's rotation, when you use an elevator you are travelling not in a straight up/down path, but in an arc

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The meaning of life is the same as the first rule in D&D... Have fun... took me 38 years to figure that out

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I have no idea what color Capri Sun is.

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You don't pick up a helium balloon, you hold it down.

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Social media has made the whole world just a larger version of a gossip-ridden small town.

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What if the universe was supposed to be a monitored simulation, but the creator forgot their login information and had to abandon it.

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The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people.

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Modern video games should have a "Remind me what I was doing" button for when you come back after a long time

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I was worried my life was like The Truman Show but then I realized it would have gotten cancelled years ago.

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Reddit is probably the world's largest group of people that communicate while shitting.

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Friday, November 18, 2016

Bob Ross, who's been dead for over 20 years, has more than 500,000 YouTube subscribers.

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Often when I say "excuse me" , in my mind I'm shouting "fucking MOVE!"

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I work in IT and I'm always really shocked when I jokingly say "have you tried turning it off and on again?" And they reply with "no I haven't"

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Panties lost their sexiness to me when I did the laundry and could no longer tell if they were my wife's or my daughter's.

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If I had a dollar for every time I felt more emotion for a fictional character than a real person, I could pay for the psychiatric help I obviously need

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"LSD causes users to lose weight." Obviously. You can't eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.

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When we're awake we forget our dreams, when we're asleep we forget real life.

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It is quite possible that at some point in your life, a murderer has crossed your path, considered you as their victim, but then changed their mind and walked away

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When you're a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you're an adult, they're considered immature.

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Men don’t complain about having to lift the toilet seat so why do women complain about having to lower it?

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My mental picture of Russia is always from the perspective of a dashcam

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2000 years ago if you had technology, people would claim you were a witch and it was magic. Now if you claim you have magic, people will claim it's technology.

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If I could access the NSA facial recognition database, I'd scan my own face, track down all my doppelgängers, then trade lives with the most successful one.

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Toasters were the first pop-up notification.

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My subscribed subreddits are basically a list of various hobbies I've wanted to get into but was too lazy to follow through on.

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Paying for contact lenses every month is essentially paying a monthly subscription to see life in HD

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What if the human life span was 3 days, but water extends it.

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I've never seen a 1 star review for a parachute.

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We will never hear about the truly perfect crime.

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Being born is basically a death sentence at the same time

Damnit mom.

Humans are really bad at recharging, it takes about 8 hours charge for 16 hours of use.

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I'm really bummed that "symmetrical" isn't a palindrome

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Smoking cigarettes is more socially acceptable than picking your nose.

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People who say "Don't be afraid of bugs, they're too small to hurt you" probably never stopped to consider how many people have been killed by bacteria and viruses which are even smaller.

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If someone offered me my hourly wage to do what I do for a living for one hour I'd say no, yet obviously if they add 39 hours more it's somehow ok.

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I don't have time to rate the Reddit app but I have time to Reddit.

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Thursday, November 17, 2016

I've traveled through both a penis and a vagina.

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7 billion people, a device in my pocket that can talk to almost anyone of them, and I spend most of my time silently arguing with myself.

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If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they'll fill your antidepressants faster.

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I'm pretty sure Elon Musk is an alien masquerading as a human and trying to get back to his home planet.

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Everything you've ever done has led to you reading this.

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I've imagined in detail how I would tackle a crazed gunman, yet I get a brief jolt of panic whenever the doorbell unexpectedly rings.

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If you love food and your skinny, you're a foodie. If you love food and your fat, you're still just fat.

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It would be nice if people questioned their news sources as much as they do girls who like videogames.

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It's feeling more and more like someone time-traveled back to this year and accidentally changed things.

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Every year I realize how dumb I was the year before. If the cycle never ends, I'll never really be the smartest version of myself even when I think that I am.

I guess that's why wiseness comes with age.

I felt profoundly philosophical when I had this thought while taking a bath tonight.

Even to this day, when I hear someone is pregnant I immediately imagine them having sex.

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Whenever you buy and eat half a chicken, you are secretly sharing a meal with a stranger.

Am eating chicken right now, can confirm.

How come documentary makers can find drug makers and hitmen to interview but the police can't find them?

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The fork you use in a restaurant has been in hundreads of others people's mouths

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If i had a 3d printer I could torrent lego sets.

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Censored rap offends me more than hearing the people swear

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If animals watched human movies, they would probably be confused by how often humans kill other humans and then just walk away without eating them.

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The empire never referred to it as the death star, they always said battle station. The term death star is nothing more than rebel scum propaganda.

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I just read that a priest blamed gay people for the earthquake in New Zealand. How hard does he think those guys are ramming each other?

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A lot of homeless people would fit inside a church.

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When I was younger and Timmy Turner used "uh internet" as an excuse as to where he got all his stuff from I used to think his parents where super gullible, now I think it's perfectly reasonable.

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Home is where I can sit down to take a shit without feeling the need to try and clean the seat first.

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"Original" is the least original flavor of potato chips.

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Wednesday, November 16, 2016

I've always wanted to buy two coffees, take them to a crime scene and while handing one to the officer in charge ask, "So, what do we have here"?

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We're lucky Elon Musk isn't evil

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We should get a notification every time someone attempts to create an account with our username, so we can feel good about ourselves for getting there first.

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The people in your dreams are AI generated by your brain.

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I would much rather pay extra for priority deboarding than priority boarding...

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The craziest prediction that the tv show "The Jetsons" made about life that far in the future was that a man could still support a middle class family of 4 by working in a factory.

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I care more about what a comment says when it is deleted

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As a teenager it isn't my parents finding out I watch porn that scares me, It's them finding out what kind of porn I watch that scares me.

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When you drink alcohol, both you and the alcohol get drunk.

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I hate it when old people say "Your generation relies too much on technology". The only reason why you say that is simply because technology like today didn't exist in your time. If it did, your generation probably would've been just as reliant on it as us

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I don't wear clothing with visible Brands because I think they should pay me for advertising their clothing.

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The speed of light is basically just the fastest the universe can render.

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The people of Pompeii did the mannequin challenge before it was cool.

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Def Leppard is the safest music to air drum to while driving because you can keep one hand on the steering wheel.

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For how relevant jumping is in video games, I rarely do it in my life.

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I am glad leaves aren't heavy.

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What if every country has ninjas, but we only know about Japanese ninjas because they're not as good as the others?

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If a company has been using the same logo since the 70's, I would think it's old and outdated. If a company reverts back to their 70's logo, I would think it's cool and retro.

Example: Pepsi

Same can be applied to sports teams logos.

As always, there are exceptions though.

My girlfriend only does the mannequin challenge when we have sex.

And my grandparents have been doing it in a box underground for years straight now.

By now, there are probably more pictures of dicks than there are pictures taken in the twentieth century

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Reddit: a place where a guy accidentally bought paper clips for his stapler and it makes the front page.

But I love it

"Smoking or non-smoking" will eventually refer more to marijuana than to cigarettes

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Tuesday, November 15, 2016

My life is a series of increasingly difficult obstacles that I need to overcome in order to play video games at the end of the day

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As long as each proceeding generation can say to the prior, "You kids have it easy!", we'll know that humanity is improving.

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People have more respect for those who 'quit drinking' vs those who 'don't drink'

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I install mods on Fallout 4 so I can kill people with swords and bows, and I install mods on Skyrim so I can kill people with guns.

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Why would you ever spend more than a dollar on a bookmark? You can just use a dollar bill as a bookmark.

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The Monopoly man is the Pringles man grown old after earning his fortune selling chips

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If my life is a video game , I wish the person playing would use a walkthrough

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Parents used to say 'don't believe everything you read on the internet.' Now if I ask my dad a question his first response is 'google it'

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The most attractive girls have explosive diarrhea from time to time.

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I hope retirement/nursing homes phase out Bingo, etc. for video games by the time I'm in one.

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Men get all of the blame for splashing when they go to the toilet, but none of the credit for organically jet washing skid marks away.

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Monopoly is basically Dungeons and Dragons for accountants.

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If tomorrow isn't the due date, then today isn't the do date.

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Centaurs would have two ribcages.

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Does r/anarchy have moderators?

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If the aliens invade there will be memes about it within five minutes

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If life doesn't give you lemons, you're still expected to make lemonade.

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On the bus, I hate when people sit next to me but I'm offended when they don't.

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"Get your panties in a bunch" would make a great slogan at Costco.

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Are dead batteries in your vibrator the ultimate rejection from the universe? Like, "hey, go fuck yourself. haha! try again!"

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If you're hairy enough shampoo IS body wash

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If I don't have a child, I will end a perfect line of dads from the beginning of humanity to me.

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The 5 second youtube ads are genius, I will watch those and even like what's being advertised. 30 second ones where you can't skip make me hate whatever product is being advertised.

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The main thing I have learned on Reddit is that I'm not as funny as I think I am

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Is coral the dumbest animal or the smartest rock

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Monday, November 14, 2016

If the Sun exploded as you were reading this, you wouldn't know until 8 minutes later.

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You should have to pass the citizenship exam in order to run for public office.

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Goldilocks is real fussy for someone who wanders into stranger's houses and eats their breakfast.

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We are planning to sustain life on Mars yet we can't even do that in 3rd world country's on earth

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Only on Reddit can you read a deep and insightful comment from someone with a username like bootyjuicelicker or chalupabattman.

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I've heard far more people in my life say white males can't have an opinion than I've heard anyone say that any other race/gender combination can't have one.

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I'm old enough to miss the days when I couldn't be reached at a moments notice.

(As I submit this on my phone.)

If I told you that it featured themes of bestiality, Stockholm Syndrome, slave labor, and a lynching, you would never guess 'Beauty and the Beast' is a kids movie.

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Every time I save my game I choose "create new save", thinking I might go back to them at some point, but never do.

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The first ten minutes of my day are always me not wanting to pee because my bed is too comfy

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All the Mannequin Challenge has done so far is reveal that not many people can spell "mannequin".

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Due to the angle, tall people might find others slightly more attractive than people of average height do.

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When my wife asks my sons "You ate all of that?" it's usually followed with a "Good job, buddy!" When she asks me that all I get is a look of disgust.

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It makes literally zero sense that a hundreds-of-years-old immortal would fall in love with a teenage girl. I'm only 22 and can see 16-year-old girls as nothing but potentially dangerous wildlife.

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My 13 year old dog has no idea what "going deaf" is, so to him, it must be like the entire world is slowly getting quieter.

If he even notices, I suppose..

If we pop bubble wrap from China then the air is from China.

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Adele is emo music for middle aged women.

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When you lower the bar in limbo, you are actually raising the bar.

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If you are having a bad day just remember that someone from your home town is still trying to become a rapper

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Every fucking time I want Chick-Fil-A I realize it's Sunday...😔

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A kissing booth at a fair is basically a PG rated glory hole.

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My masturbation standards are a lot higher than my dating standards.

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Just once I'd like to see a show about a cartoon family where the husband is the sensible one, and the wife is the fat, stupid buffoon.

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Sunday, November 13, 2016

Since a human year is 7 dog years, every time we leave them for the day, we leave them for a work week.

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A burglar could do a lot of damage to my house before I stopped thinking my cats were making all that noise and investigated it.

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If Marijuana had taken the place of alcohol as the acceptable and commercially available drug a long time ago, the world would be a very different place.

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"Heck" is "hell" and "fuck" combined. By fusing them, you make them weaker

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I wish I'd been taught sign language in school instead of cursive

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Why would I buy Jars at the Container Store for $5 when they are only $2 @ the Grocery Store, plus they're filled with pickles.

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After a week on reddit, I realised every meme on Facebook is stolen from reddit. After a month on reddit, I realised every meme on reddit is also stolen from reddit.

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If a German politican were to run with "Make Germany great again" the world would go crazy

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I like it when I don't recognize any actors in a movie. Then I can be totally absorbed in the roles and setting.

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Nextflix should work with Dave Chappelle and bring back the Chappelle show.

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Radio forced us to listen to the audio and imagine the visual. Animated gifs force us to watch the visual and imagine the audio.

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It'd be terrifying if cold blooded creatures had no upper limit to how active heat made them. Imagine going to the Sahara at noon and seeing snakes and lizards zipping around at 50 mph. Nyoom!

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Someone should make a dating app specifically for introverts who want to skip the "pretending my life is exciting and social to impress you" phase and just be boring together

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I'm an organ donor. If I die tomorrow, my death will be cause for major celebration for a total stranger.

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I feel like every year there is a "the moon only looks like this every 100 years" event.

Edit: thanks for the gold!!

It must be very hard to be a Nigerian lawyer who specialises in international inheritance law

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A zoo is a really safe place to fart.

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A person from 150 years ago would be terrified by all this modern stuff. However, a duck from 150 years ago would just be all like, still got lakes? yes ? okay cool

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If we ever end up settling on a planet with low gravity, boobs will stay perkier much longer.

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Poor science education is one of the most dangerous things. It gives people just enough information to think they understand stuff but not enough to realise how very little they actually know.

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The first guy to hear a parrot speak must have freaked.

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I would rate so many more apps if it didn't redirect me to the App Store, and I could just write my review in app

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Of all the things that taste like chicken, surprisingly, eggs is not one of them.

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Christians preach abstinence as a 100% effective form of birth control when it didn't even work for Mary...

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I never understood straight men disliking gay men. Not only do they leave more women for you, they take another dude out with them!

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I'm glad dogs can't read the "no dogs allowed" signs so they don't feel sad and left out

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Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.

Saturday, November 12, 2016

All music becomes shitty music when it is heard through the walls of an apartment.

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Tetris is a metaphor for life. Errors pile up, and it takes great effort to undo them. Also, accomplishments disappear.

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I can only remember lesser and greater than symbols because alligators like to eat big numbers.

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I have shown my 'drivers' license to more bartenders and bouncers than I have to police officers.

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Even immortals do not know what it is like to live forever.

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Classical music orchestras are really just giant cover bands

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One of us out there will be a respected meme historian in 50-70 years. Academic level.

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I just realised the flavored cat food i am buying could all taste exactly the same and I'll never know the difference.

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YouTube recommended a "how to avoid procastination" video to me and I put it into my watch later list...

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Being ugly is a tax on almost every aspect of life

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I am smart enough to recognise how shitty the world is but not smart enough to do anything about it

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My clothes have been to countries i haven't

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My dad used to say that if I didn't watch any television news, I would be ignorant and uninformed. Now I think my dad is ignorant and uninformed for watching too much television news.

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Being a casual redditor how the hell was I suppose to know that someone had the same thought six fukin hours ago

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

I have successfully made the transition from posting on Facebook and lurking on Reddit to posting on Reddit and lurking on Facebook.

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My penis is the darkest skin I have on my body and see's the least sunlight.

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It's kind of messed up that DEA agents are more disappointed when you don't have any drugs on you than when you do.

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Why are people "on" a TV Show but "in" a movie?

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If neither family in the reality show Wife Swap had children, I feel like it would be on an entirely different channel and time slot.

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Mary Poppins is a nanny giving children happy days as she comes and goes... or merry pop-ins.

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I'm an immigrant, but I'm a white immigrant so people aren't afraid of me.

lucky

The main driving force for me to get out of bed on a weekend is the fact that I need to pee

I thought of this today while in the shower... peeing

I've never seen anyone use a grill to make grilled cheese

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My bed is 100x more comfortable in the morning

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If I had telekinetic powers I'd mainly use them to get things which are just out of reach without disturbing the cat on my lap

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When people ask "What do you do for a living?" they are really asking "How much do I need to respect you?"

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Someone needs to develop a fantasy football app with Congress members instead of football players

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People who are angry about immigrants taking jobs should grow their own food.

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If a toy in Toy Story died, the kid would just keep playing with the toy, but they would be playing with the other toys' friend's dead body.

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Being a casual redditor how the hell was I suppose to know that someone had the same thought two fukin years ago

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

People tell me "video games breed violence" but board games like Monopoly and Catan have instilled more rage in me than all my video games combined.

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Adam and Eve are incorrectly drawn or painted with belly buttons.

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Men died so that I could sit here, in bed, in my underwear eating pizza.

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As a parent I find that my job is to keep my toddler from killing herself repeatedly throughout the day.

It a non stop job, stairs, doors, cupboards, guns, grenades, the list is endless.

Friday, November 11, 2016

For as much as I turn around in people's driveways whenever I see someone pull into mine randomly I'm always like "wtf who is this guy"

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Porn would be a lot different if the butthole had a gag reflex.

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Bill Nye the Science Guy should be chosen as Secretary of Education. He has a Mechanical Engineering Degree from Cornell, studied under Carl Sagan, and has dedicated his life to education children.

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My typing skills decline by like 70% when someone is leaning over me watching intently

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I didn't realize how old TV high schoolers looked until I got to college and realized I still didn't look like that.

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Bringing your own controller when hanging out with friends as a kid is the same as bringing your own alcohol to a party as an adult

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Sometimes I put guacamole on my bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwiches. Nothing beats a good LGBT.

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Would the opposite of "to pass with flying colors" be "to fail in greyscale"?

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As someone who walks everywhere, services like uber is like those microtransactions where you pay to skip all the grinding.

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Getting kicked out of the military for failing a urine test would be dishonorable discharge for your dishonorable discharge.

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The people who share condescending articles about "what Millennials need to realize about the world" is the generation who raised them.

Edit 2: Wow, thanks for the gold, stranger! :D Edit 1: The people who share condescending articles about "what Millennials need to realize about the world" are the generation who raised them. (edit: grammar)

I could never be a successful serial killer because forensics would always find my cat's hair at the crime scene.

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In grade school math gets harder as more numbers are involved, in high school and college math gets harder as less numbers are involved

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People think I'm a computer expert, but seriously most things are very self-explanatory or easily sought through Google.

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Sometimes it seems like democracy is like putting the kids in charge of whether or not they eat their vegetables.

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Every special snowflake turns into a plain drop of rain when things get a little hot

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I don't tell any of my friends or family my Reddit username because I'm willing to share things with complete strangers on the internet that I would never in real life.

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If I told my younger self that there would be self driving cars before Half-Life 3, I wouldn't believe me

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To a man with proper work ethics ALL of the Reddit is NSFW.

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"The Bachelor" is a show about a man dating multiple women at once that is primarily watched by women who hate men who date multiple women at once.

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My shit smells different almost every time I go to the loo, but every time I scratch my butt and subsequently smell my fingers, it's the same smell every time.

Edit: How lovely to realize that my highest ranking post of all time is literally a shitpost... Some of these comments have actually been quite informative, and I thank you for the info :b I will take this newfound knowledge and carry it with me henceforth.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

'Landlord' is one of the most medieval titles still in use that I can think of.

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I can fall asleep perfectly fine in a bright, noisy classroom but when I go to bed too early, I can't sleep

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Do you think the marketing guy who came up with the slogan 'They're Great' still can't quite believe his luck that Kellogs said 'Yes! That's just what we were looking for!'

I mean, that can't have been a hard days work to come up with that one.

The other night I was at the liquor store and I saw a guy steal some beer and I didn't say anything. It just occurred to me that is how Uncle Ben died.

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