Crossfit has the opposite rules of fight club.

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Why does Flo from Progressive need to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?

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Tomorrow is the one day a year where internet news will be scrutinized as highly as it should be every single day

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As a 35 year old man, the only people I'm ok with calling me "Baby" are black women.

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If a waitress brings a refill that I didn't need, I take a few sips anyway so she doesn't feel like her time was wasted.

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I'll bet deaf guys get caught fapping a lot.

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If you are what you eat, then cannibals are innocent people

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At some point, someone jumped out of a plane knowing that not a single person had ever survived jumping out a plane.

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We should change LOL to NE for "nasal exhale" because that's all we do anymore.

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Listening to an album start to finish feels like a lost art.

Obviously people don't have an +1h to just sit and listen to music but depending on the album it really lets you listen and understand the story that the artist is trying to tell rather than just picking and choosing your favourite songs.

Reading an AskReddit thread is an introvert's dream: enjoy the comments of others, and once you get bored, leave without feeling guilty

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I don't consider you a good friend of mine unless we can hang out in complete silence and not feel awkward

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If people really could spin in their graves we could harness it as a new form of green energy and power our homes by disgracing our ancestors.

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We should put missing peoples photos on packs of cigarettes because smokers are the only people going and standing outside in all kinds of weather.

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Now that I'm older, I think back on the times my parents told me, "When you're older, you'll realize I was right" and realize they are still wrong mostly.

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If life doesn't give you sugar and water too you're just gonna be making lemon juice.

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Gas stations are actually liquid stations.

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In crime shows they always ask suspects where they were on a specific date and they always know right away. If I was ever asked that I would be like "uhhh what day of the week was that? Can I look at my phone to see who I texted or if I posted that day?" Cause I probably don't remember.

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If you live in the United States, your driveway is connected to mine.

Except if you live in Hawaii.

Me at 8 years old: "When I grow up no one will tell me when I have to go to bed." Me at 33 years old: "Ooo, there's an app that will analyze my sleep quality and patterns and alert me when my optimal bedtime is approaching."

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Every time someone posts a picture with sunglasses I look in the glasses reflection to see if I can find anything interesting

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I wonder which one of the hairs on my head is the oldest

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The hospital I was born in is the only building I've left but never entered

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I don't like withdrawing money from the ATM because even though I still have the same amount of money, I feel poorer.

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If you say 'Happy Birthday' on random comments enough times, eventually you'll surprise someone who'll have no idea how you knew.

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Nothing screams "I need help" more than yelling "I need help"

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When someone in your neighborhood is having a BBQ, it must be the same feeling when sharks smell blood in the water.

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Much more sound/light is needed to wake me up in the morning than to keep me up at night, and this is very inconvenient.

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Some of the items I purchase on Amazon have traveled more in two days than I have in my entire life.

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If you replace the W in When, Where, and What with a T, you answer the question.

edit: Apparently this has been posted numerous times before and I've just never seen it. I promise I didn't intentionally repost and I don't want to be that guy :(

I wonder how many people are "looking busy" as they read this post somewhere they shouldn't...

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2017 will one day feel as distant as 1917, this startles me.

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Our beds are just wireless battery chargers for our bodies.

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"Are you lying to me?" Is a very useless question

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If I had a dollar for every time someone told me to go the doctor when I was sick, I could actually afford to go to the doctor.

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When i see a video of the '80, i think people of that era saw the world in that quality

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You can't actually make money, you can only convince other people to give it to you.

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With all the privacy hoopla, someone should make an application that does random website visits and google searches so web browsing patterns worthless.

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I wonder if I already bought the clothes I'm going to die in.

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There are people who could achieve greatness if they were born into my life circumstances, and I'm actively insulting them by being a complete piece of shit.

Edit: No, I'm not super rich or a trust fund baby or anything like that. Just an average first worlder with no major health problems who lives in a safe area.

I wonder how differently I'd live my life if I saw a real-time Pie Chart of how I have spent it thus far.

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People are completing Dark Souls using a cat and a laser pointer and I can't even finish it normally.

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I'm convinced that some girls with ponytails move their heads a little more enthusiastically because they like how their ponytails swing around.

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I'm a grown-ass man, but still have to systematically say "Wed-nes-day" in my head when writing or typing it out

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A group of squids should be a squad.

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I wish saying "Sorry, I've been depressed the past couple of days, but I'm ok now." was as socially acceptable as "Sorry, I've been really sick the past couple of days, but I'm ok now."

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She says "you probably think this song is about you" as an example of how vain he is, but the whole song really is about him. He would have no other way to interpret it.

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Do 10 things right at your job and people will always ask about the 11th thing you forgot while doing all those other things.

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People always want the rarest stuff, unless it's a medical condition.

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My oven has a 'stop time' button. It's probably just to stop the timer but I won't press it, just in case.

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4 hours of sleep is not a lot, but a 4 hour nap sure is.

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I like to think that I have a "don't give a fuck" attitude and it's badass, but really I'm just socially incompetent and don't understand the acceptable way to react to situations.

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Someone laughing after they are finished crying is the human equivalent of a rainbow.

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Now that ISP's can sell our browsing history, there should be a bot or macro that people can run from their machine to create an abundance of false search/browsing data - essentially rendering the data useless.

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The Amazon Echo should have a function where it steps in and announces the winner of household arguments.

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It's sad to think that in about 20 years, someone will try to do a re-make of the Harry Potter series

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I will forgive almost any type of driving maneuver so long as you use a blinker

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Compared to dogs and cats, humans are really good at drinking water.

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People who eat the same breakfast every morning are normal, but eating the same lunch everyday makes them boring, and having the same dinner everyday makes you a fucking lunatic.

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They should make a game that starts with graphics comparable to an Atari and as you progress through the game the graphics improve.

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After I orgasm, I'm often disgusted by what I was thinking about before I orgasmed

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I think employers could find quality workers a lot quicker if they stopped looking for years of prior experience in the same role elsewhere and instead looked for eager individuals willing to jump into a job and learn.

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Maybe nothing can go faster than the speed of light because that's the tick-rate of the server our simulation is running in

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There are 7 billion different versions of today

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I feel like half of the LPTs are written by kids that think they have the world figured out...

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I was celebrating my donor organ becoming available until I realized that meant someone had just died.

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They should have a realistic PSA about marijuana in which someone spends way too much time and money in Walmart buying snacks and stupid shit, then can't remember where they parked their car upon leaving.

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I wonder how many dead people get swiped on Tinder every day without anyone knowing.

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Movie theaters should have special, rule enforced showings. I would pay $2 extra a ticket to have talkers and phone users escorted out.

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I love how I can sleep without worrying about getting eaten by other animals. Thank you fellow humans.

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Helium trucks are probably the only vehicle that gets worse gas mileage after their cargo is delivered.

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I'm always in a rush to get home to do absolutely nothing.

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Flash would be faster on a bike

Given it was robust enough for the speed.

The most hurtful insults are compliments said sarcastically

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Is my wife technically my ex-girlfriend? She's not my girlfriend now, but she used to be.

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A big milestone of male maturity is when you stop putting up with annoying girls because they're hot

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The Scarecrow in Oz wanted a brain but got a diploma instead, proving you don't need a brain to get a diploma.

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If everyone was forced to carry around a little puppy everywhere they went there would be way less violence in the world

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Pie is just an excuse to put healthy foods inside of a giant cookie.

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There should be an express line at coffee shops for people ordering plain black coffees as a little perk for not ordering one of those fufu coffee drinks that take 5 times longer to concoct.

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In a 100 years, having I am not a robot test on your website is going to be considered discriminating

The fight for robot rights will be at its peak!

I can practise something for years but I never fail to switch to 'fuck up mode' when showing it to other humans

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The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you're sinking into quicksand.

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It's gotten to a point where I'm not even procrastinating anymore, I'm just jeopardizing my future

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I wish they had variety 12 packs of sodas.

Four cans of three different types. Like coke, sprite, and dr. Pepper or something

My shoebox has outlasted my shoes in usefulness

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Tom Hanks can probably just sign with "Thanks"

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What if you're giving birth to twins and it's the end of daylight savings day and the older twin was born first but the second twin travels back in time and is born an hour before the first twin

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There's nothing like coming home after a long trip away and using your own bathroom for the first time

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I will never be so old that I stop doing the Jedi hand wave as I walk through automatic doors

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Batman needs to use some of that cash to design a way for the cops to tell him they need him that doesn't also alert every villain in the city

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As a guy, i sometimes want to be nice and help a woman with carrying something heavy (groceries, kid in heavy carseat, etc) to their car or into a store/building but dont for fear of a negative overreaction from the woman.

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Shoveling snow is just pushing your problems to the side and waiting for them to go away.

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Attractive doctors and nurses probably never get accurate pulse readings from their patients.

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If scientists created immortality, the first immortal being will probably be a white lab rat.

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Water is just a portal to a universe where you can fly, but you can't breathe.

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We eat unhealthy sweets designed to taste like fruit rather than just eat the fruits themselves

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I wish my job had a 'take your parent to work day.' It'd be nice for them to know what I actually do.

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When we were young, we didn't like Tom because he was depicted as the bad guy in the show. But now I realise that Jerry was actually an asshole.

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No matter how much I wash myself, I never feel clean until I brush my teeth

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"Taking candy from a baby" would actually be a responsible thing to do.

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Frames per second is just resolution for the 4th dimension.

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I can't see a flaming ball of gas millions of miles away because a mass of floating water is blocking my view.

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The WiFi can't reach my room, but NASA can trasmit data over 5 billion miles of space.

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If I was gonna make a bomb, I'd use the same color wire for the whole thing.

Aaaaand now I'm on a list somewhere...

"Turn the volume up" and "turn the volume down" can both make you sound old.

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Every single one of my ancestors managed to find a partner... No pressure.

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Sleeping on a car ride is the closest thing to fast traveling in real life

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I used to think that films with CGI were impressive but now I'm more impressed when films don't use it.

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What if extroverts are actually the most socially awkward of us all and just talk a lot because they are scared of the awkward silence

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My 4 year old just told me shadows are creepy because they don't have eyes. He's crazy! They'd be WAY more creepy with eyes.

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Police should wear red and blue light up shoes for when they pursue people on foot.

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You never realize how many sex scenes a movie has until you watch it with your parents.

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I wonder how many songs I've already heard for the last time in my life

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States selling marijuana to boost taxes is just a larger version of what I did as a poor college student.

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You should always tip in cash to help your server commit tax fraud.

Cash is king.

I have never heard a woman say "we started talking after he commented "sexy baby girl" under my Instagram post." Yet guys still do it like it will give them a chance.

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There is a slow evolutional race between giraffes and trees

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We should stop calling violent (possibly deranged) criminal attackers 'lone wolves' as it makes them sound kinda cool and edgy. We should start calling them 'lost sheep' instead

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When the person you're dating asks "What are we?" it's like the free trial period has expired and you have to decide whether or not to get a subscription...

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When you're a kid you want your teeth to fall out for monetary reasons. When you're an adult you want your teeth to stay intact for monetary reasons.

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Kevin Bacon should start a bacon brand simply titled "Kevin".

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Most relationships fail because people fake who they are at the beginning to snag their partner.

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There should be a Shazam for dis functional car noises.

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Randomly hearing your favorite song on the radio is more satisfying than playing it directly from your ipod.

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If you think about it, broth is just animal flavored tea

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When I hear someones dog whining, I wanna go pet it and ask what's wrong, but when I'm at a restaurant and hear someone else's baby start crying, I wanna put it in suitcase and throw it outside.

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Using your computer's built in browser to download another browser is like having your wife drive you to your mistress

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If you're going to show me an ad before I can even start/view your app, program, website or whatever, I'm going to uninstall said app/program and never visit your site again.

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The guys who lost the hand of poker at the beginning of “Titanic” were the real winners.

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I just realized that the division symbol, ÷ , looks like a fraction with the dots representing the numbers.

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Being scared to end a relationship is like receiving the "are you sure you want to quit, any unsaved progress will be lost" pop up for the game of life

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The only thing the boy who cried wolf taught me was not to use the same excuse more than twice.

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After almost 20 years and hundreds of episodes, I just wish Spongebob would get his damn boating license already.

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Men wanting to have larger dicks is one of the main reasons that we can watch porn for free.

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Whenever I am driving in the rain I am self-conscious of how fast my wipers are going compared to other cars

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There should be a Price is Right celebrity edition where we get to see the contestants have no idea how much ordinary things cost

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Putting it on easy mode for me is just putting it on hard mode for the enemy.

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As a little kid it was a huge bother to look both ways before running across the street. Now I feel compelled to look both ways when I get to the end of an aisle in a grocery store.

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I wish I liked other people as much as my dog does, and that my dog liked other dogs as much as I do.

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If the U.S. congress was subject to all of the rules they make, the country would be a better place.

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Bank sent me a bill for 8 cents using a 40 cent stamp. If they would of just forgiven the 8 cents they would of saved 32 cents plus the cost of paper, printing the bill and two envelopes (one for delivery and the other for return payment)

Why are banks this stupid?

It'd be simultaneously amazing and horrifying if mosquitoes would suck fat instead of blood.

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Life for a baby must just be long periods of boredom punctuated by moments of extreme stress and confusion. But then I realised that's what my adult life is like.

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if you really want me to buy your razor, shave a bear in your commercials, not an already hairless leg.

Every women's razor commercial that I've ever seen on TV shows an already hairless leg or underarm being shaved. If you really want to impress me, shave a bear, or even just an unshaved leg.

Yoda is so old that maybe the way he talks is how everyone else in the galaxy used to talk and that is why he never changed his grammar, because he's the only one speaking correctly and everyone else has lost their way.

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Whoever said "money can't buy happiness" never bought a dog.

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One day in the future, you will look at a picture taken today and long for the good old days when you were *current age*. Enjoy those days now.

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I bet I'd lose a lot of weight if I had to pay for food by the calorie.

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lollipops are so weird you're literally swallowing your own flavored saliva

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They should make a Pixar movie about that little lamp

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If r/mildlyinfuriating ever wins subreddit of the day, it should say "Congrats, your the subreddit of the day"

Credit to u/schlechtums and karma to me

Im fortunate enough to have a good job now, but I never worked harder than i did in fast food. So be nice to them.

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75% of parenthood is eating the flavours in variety packs that no-one else in the family likes.

Until I became a Dad, I genuinely believed my Father actually liked plain crisps/potato chips & Black Cherry flavour yoghurts.

Gravity is objectively the same on every celestial body in Star Wars.

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I often pick up an old video game really wanting to play and then get bored within minutes. It's because I don't want to play it as adult me, what I really want is to go back in time.

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I identify with Tinkerbell because she needs attention or she dies

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Think of all the information that has died along with people who actually kept a secret.

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Horses would be terrifying if they were carnivores

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My Mom always made it a very big deal for me to clean my room before we had dinner guests but not once did the guests ever come look at my room

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If I were invisible, I would beat a mime to death. The round of applause he'd get would be amazing.

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Spilling a beer is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.

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Video games that announce to everyone playing that someone has been banned for cheating is like a public execution.

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Flicking a cigarette butt out of your car sounds a lot worse when you realize you are literally throwing flaming garbage out of your window.

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People in porn have really good conflict resolution.

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We are all NPCs to everyone else.

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If everyone moaned sexually during TSA pat-downs, the TSA would do fewer pat-downs.

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Once before I die I want to see the actual Sean Connery go on Jeopardy and mercilessly taunt Alex Trebek for 30 minutes while providing glaringly wrong answers to every question.

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Every time I hear someone say, "We're trying to have a baby," I imagine some orphan saying, "I'm trying to have some parents."

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Pringles cans should have a little dial on the bottom that pushes up the chips like deodorant.

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I wonder what mildly embarrassing thing I'll do today that no one will notice that I'll remember for the rest of my life.

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When I'm driving and have a police officer behind me, I tense up trying to obey traffic laws to the point of driving more irrationally than I otherwise would

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The radio industry would be dead if it weren't for cars having them.

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Forty is the only number that has its letters in alphabetical order.

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I wish my bed was as comfy when I'm trying to fall asleep as it is when my alarm goes off

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Sometimes I look forward to eating something so much that even before I start eating it I get upset that it'll be gone soon.

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If my dog is actually effective at keeping burglars away when I'm not home, I'll never know it.

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In the 2040's "It's lit." Is going to sound as dumb to teenagers as "That's groovy" does now.

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If you sit on your own voodoo doll you wouldn't be able to stand up

Edit: Well this is a thing now

When a pet dislikes me I get much more upset than when a person does it

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Using the excuse of "just running in real quick" to park in a handicapped spot is double rude.

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I would love to watch a version of the olympics where people are allowed to use performance enhancing drugs.

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Before the camera was invented, nobody had ever seen themself with their eyes closed.

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Tinder is the opposite of porn site advertisements. There actually are a ton of hot singles in my area, but none of them are interested in me.

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The most frustrating part about being depressed (for me) is feeling like I don't have a reason to be depressed

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Kids wanna be teenagers, adults wanna be teenagers again. Everybody wants to be a teenager, except teenagers

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Forget videogames and porn. If VR technology were to be utilized for nature and historical documentaries I'd pick one up in a heartbeat.

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Because Lion King has no humans in it, it is nearly impossible to tell what time frame its set in. For all we know, it could be set in the stone age, or in some futuristic dystopian universe.

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Whenever a redditor comments using stereotypical "black thug" slang, I immediately assume they're a white teenager.

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It is totally fair to fart while upwind of a cigarette smoker.

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The concept of dancing is fucking weird. "When I hear certain sounds I want to flail my body around and rub up against other people."

Imagine how creepy and weird it would be to watch other animals do this.

In the rain when I put my windscreen wipers on at full speed I look at other cars to see if theirs are on full speed too or if I'm just being dramatic.

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When I buy wet food for my dog, I realize I tend to buy the flavors that sound the most appetizing to me at that moment.

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Every time someone tells me I am good at computers they are about to ask me to do something that requires lots of time and no computer skill

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Toilets should have a pedal near the floor for flushing.

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Just realized how much it annoys me when anthem singers add their own personal touch to anthems at sports games by singing it a bit differently than it ought to be sung.

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It's crazy that something like a Wal-Mart gift card is printed on plastic, but my social security card is printed on the flimsiest piece of paper I've ever handled.

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Of all the footage of New York, not once have I seen a gas station

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Why are gorillas so ripped, they sit around all day doing fuck all.

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Google is like a cool landlord who lets you stay rent free, but you know that when you're gone he goes in your room and sniffs your panties.

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I always wonder if random people in public check me out as often as I check them out or if I'm just unusually pervy.

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My parents always tell me to stop wasting money on video games. But they have really expensive plates that are never used.

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When I'm out walking in the rain and I see someone with an umbrella I think, "They've really got their shit together"

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I can go a whole day without eating and not even notice, but if the doctor asks me to fast for 12h before an exam, my brain thinks I'm starving to death

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Neither cough, rough, though and through rhyme, but pony and bologna do.

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We make fun of people Instagramming their food, but lest we forget that, during the Renaissance, lots of artists were just painting bowls of fruit.

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I've never seen anyone casually cough in movies. It's almost always related to lung cancer.

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If I go to the movies then I shouldn't have to sit through any commercials. I already paid for my ticket.

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I've used the letter x more in math than I ever have in English

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I've been so used to feeling depressed that being happy for long periods of time makes me uncomfortable

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Final Fantasy sure has a lot of sequels for a game with "Final" in the title

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The skeleton isn't inside us, we're the brain so we're inside the skeleton

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When stopping for fast food, my decision on where to stop is strongly based on whether or not I have to turn left into the place.

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I appreciate it if you try to avoid cursing or whatever around my child, but what I really want to you stop saying is really the horrible shit like "candy" and "Disneyland."

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As a student I literally can't afford to get sick

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Modern country music isn't country music. It's redneck-pop masquerading as country music.

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Drug resistant bacteria are like that hero in action movies who witnessed their entire family get murdered before their eyes, has now grown up, become extremely deadly, and wants revenge against us

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The letters in books should be glow in the dark

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There should be subs for everyday of the year so we can see how many of us have the same birthday and it would feel like a little party

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At one point, the richest man on the planet just had more berries 'n shit than the others.

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What if whenever you cracked your knuckles, your fingers started to glow like glow sticks

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Porn is the only job were having 20+ years experience is no longer a good thing.

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Id rather work with someone who is an ass but a a great worker, than someone​ cool that sucks at work.

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As a former cashier, if a cashier is super smiley and nice to me, I assume that he's a new employee, not that he's inherently a cheerful person.

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The smell of hot popcorn is the only thing that makes me forget that everytime I eat popcorn a kernel shell gets stuck in my gum and I swear I'll never eat popcorn again.

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Not getting your height checked to go on a roller coaster is the kid equivalent of not being ID'd when buying alcohol

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Phones should have a shuffle setting for alarm ringtones so you don't get too used to your alarm

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As a Florida man, I'm proud of the fact I've never done anything newsworthy.

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Public restrooms should play music so you don't have to listen to people dropping loads in silence.

Also, people wouldn't have to listen to your loads being dropped.

Walking Dead is a brilliant portrayal of how humans would slowly become less and less interesting after 2-3 years of limited intellectual stimulation.

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When the Olsen twins see Full House clips, I wonder if they can tell who's playing Michelle.

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I'm never downloading games like mobile strike because of how annoying their ads get while I'm playing actual fun games

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Because of the order of the planets, technically all countries are third world countries.

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I order from 5 different pizza places not because I like them all equally, but because I don't want any of them to know how often I order pizza.

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If a girl says "my girlfriend" she could be talking about a friend or her SO. If a guy says "my boyfriend" he's almost definitely talking about his SO

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Whenever people say "I enjoy all kinds of music," they usually don't like country music.

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If weed is the Devil's lettuce imagine what all his other vegetables are like.

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Whenever I use the bathroom at someone else's house and I see that the toilet paper is put in the opposite to how I do it I briefly consider changing it around before telling myself "No. Some people choose to live this way".

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Vine, a company made to keep the attention of people for 7 seconds, failed because it couldn't keep the attention of it's audience.

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The GPS voice should get excited the closer you get to your destination on a road trip.

Makes driving 20 hours all that much more exciting to finally get there.

Mitch Hedberg's standup routine is made up entirely of thoughts that belong in this sub.

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Trees are farming us. They give us oxygen so we grow nice and big, them we finally die, decompose and make food for them.

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'Acting professionally' simply means putting up with other people's sh!t in a situation where you would normally stand up for yourself

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Mastrubating to your SO is as loyal as a relationship goes

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Lego Batman should've just rebuilt his parents.

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People seem to think terraforming Mars is a viable idea but can't accept we might have changed Earths temperature a few degrees.

Scientists think the opposite but what would they even know anyway. Earth 2.0 here we come!

If there is an alternate universe for every possibility, then there is a universe where alternate universes don't exist. And we exist so we have to live in that universe. Therefore there are no alternate universes.

Edit: for all of you trying to prove me wrong, I know I'm wrong, it was just a shower thought Edit#2: I would like to thank anyone for the support. This was my first post here and I'm going to try to make more like it. I already have one in mind for tomorrow ;) Edit#3: I never said infinite universes, just that there are universes to represent every possibility, which would be a finite amount.(DISPROVEN DO NOT USE IN ARGUMENT) Edit#4: it is physically impossible for there to be an infinite amount of possibilities within a finite universe. Instead, there would just be a massive number of possibilities, too big to comprehend even. Much like the almost infinite amount of stars in the universe, there's a lot of them, but not enough to be infinite.(DISPROVEN DO NOT USE IN ARGUMENT) Edit#5: does it matter wether infinite universes exist? As long as one exists in a multiverse with no other universes in it. Then that universe would not have any universes.

We're living life set so far on easy mode we have the same reaction to speaking in front of people that our ancestors had to facing down a tiger.

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Instead of having crappy toilet paper in public restrooms, toilet paper companies should put their products there for advertisements

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When a comapny that keeps sending me emails has a complicated unsubscribe process where I have to find hidden links and answer questions, I promise myself to never, ever shop there or use their product..

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Our bodies are surprisingly quiet condisering all the work it's constantly doing

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If you work at the morgue, when you die, you still have to go to work.

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When I get a paycheck I don't really feel anything, when I find 5 dollars in my jacket pocket I feel like I just won the lottery.

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There should be a superhero TV show where the superhero is a main character, but his secret identity isn't, so you have to try and figure it out.

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It's faster to say "World Wide Web" than "www"

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"Yo Mama" jokes were kind of like nuclear weapons: The first ones were devastating, so everyone started stockpiling them until the consensus was they shouldn't be used anymore

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Despite doing good things, Spiderman being disliked by his city is like a metaphor for spiders eating flies but still being hated by humans.

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Your first instinct is your second nature

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Smoking is good for the environment because it kills humans.

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A huge part of being "smart" is just having a good memory

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If the Kents found Superman in modern times, they'd have to pretend to be anti-vaxxers to hide Clark's 'abilities' because no needle would penetrate his skin.....

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As a kid, I always found it annoying when adults would ask my parents about me instead of asking me directly. As an adult, I realized it's creepy to walk up to a family and address the child first.

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Empty cop cars are basically just scarecrows for people.

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People pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground

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Spiders' body produce supplies needed to build its home, in order for humans to do this, they would literally have to shit bricks.

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I am more careful with money in gaming than in real life

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I realized what my anxiety actually is. It's my brain coming up with Fake News.

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If I saw Two-Face in real life I wouldn't say he had two faces. I'd say he had half a face

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I have never been to China or India but about 75 percent of my possessions have.

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I've become so accustomed to having the entire bed and eating out of the container, the thought of dating and risking that sounds awful.

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Going to a strip club when horny, throwing dollars at strippers, and going home alone is the same as going to the grocery store when hungry and throwing money at food and leaving still hungry.

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In a timespan of just 100 years from now, 7 billion humans will slowly be replaced

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Depression chatrooms are like people in wheelchairs trying to help each other up the stairs.

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When you have leftover tortillas, way more things seem like they could be wraps

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Atoms are just three-demensional pixels.

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Google searches that give business hours are the biggest unsung conveniences on the internet.

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I feel like dirt is less dirty than a public bathroom.

Thought about this today while hauling soil and mulch...

The fact that my 1.5yo has hit me in the face in temper/out of excitement more times than I can count makes me wonder how Johnathan and Martha Kent never had their faces caved in by a baby Superman.

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My ability to admit I was wrong is largely determined by the attitude of the person I'm arguing with

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Eating cheap student food while watching the food channel isn't that dissimilar from masturbating to porn.

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When I'm camping, I don't mind using a random stick from the ground as a marshmallow roasting skewer. But when I find an actual skewer on the ground I'm hesitant to use it because "it might be a little dirty".

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My wife would probably be more weirded out if she caught me masturbating to a picture of her than to some porn.

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There are two kinds/breeds of millennials: those who have used 5in floppy disks and those who didn't. Let's not pretend there isn't a cultural difference between them

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Your future spouse is currently walking around making memories that they'll tell you about someday.

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Usually if I'm staring at a stranger it's because I find them really attractive, but it someone stares at me I always assume there is food on my face

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I thought I was hilarious until I started using the internet and saw millions of people funnier than me.

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Maybe aliens are afraid to contact us because they dedicated their technology advancement to space travel while we developed weapons. So they're as far behind on weapons tech as we are in space travel.

The truth is out there

If I buy a tablet and load it with all of the information I can find on space travel and astronomy. I would basically have a real life Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.

Yes, for Earth I would make sure it only says, "mostly harmless".

Our sun is a part of someone else's constellation

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There are more Panda Express restaurants than actual, living pandas.

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The people that comment on porn scare me.

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I wish I could store up wifi like a battery and use it throughout the day.

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Procrastinators can do 30 mins of work in 9 hours and 9 hours of work in 30 mins

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Journalist and Fact-Checker really shouldn't be separate jobs.

First time poster. I tried to search to make sure the thought was original. If I screwed it up I am sorry!

If you were born feet first then there was a point in your life where you were wearing your mother as a hat

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The Riddler isn't really that daunting of a foe now that Google exists.

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There was a time in history where the only way to see your reflection was in the water.

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Tall guys probably think every girl is hotter than she really is because they see the world through MySpace angles

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I wish they made a 1.5 package size Ramen noodles. One package is never enough, 2 is usually too much.

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There's nothing more satisfying than closing all the tabs you have opened after completing a research project

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I wonder why Stan Lee hasn't made a movie where he's the main character and all of his heroes/villains make cameos.

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There is an incredible amount of seating on this planet, between your house, school, cars, stadiums, everywhere. There must be at least 4 chairs for every person.

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If I say I've been great, I've been good. If I say I've been good, I'm doing alright. And If I say I'm doing alright, I'm no where near alright.

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Facing the next ten hours on a train without my headset made me realise i dont spend much time with my own thoughts anymore

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I never realize how much I love my toilet until I am forced to take a shit somewhere else.

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Chicken Salad is just a more developed version of Egg Salad.

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You can't judge a book by its cover but you can figure out how cheap your roommates are based on the quality of toilet paper they buy.

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Of all the horrible ways to die I think eating healthy is the worst.

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If a universal translator ever gets invented everyone's mouth will look like a crappy dub over.

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Seeing a big dog interact with a kitten always makes me nervous the dog is going to squish the kitten, but I'm bigger than a dog and I never worry about me squishing a kitten when I play with it

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If Batman's parents were still alive, he would probably still be raised by Alfred

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I usually read the TL;DR after reading the whole thing just to help summarise everything in my head

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At 16, I would invite people I barely even knew over to party if the house was all mine. At 26, the house is always all mine, but I'm making up excuses why people can't come.

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I always thought my handwriting would improve with age, I am 25 and my handwriting still looks like a 5 year olds with parkinson.

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The saddest untold story within Beauty and the Beast...someone probably got turned into a toilet.

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Punishment for honesty is what makes us lie.

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If humans put a mirror in space 1,000 light years away, when observed we can see how the earth was 2,000 years ago.

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If you lend someone money and then never hear from them again, that's money well spent.

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I wish my brain had a search feature.

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Plastic bags rolling on a street is the urban version of thumbleweeds.

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There should be a class in everyone's senior year that teaches basic life-things like etiquette, doing taxes, how a mortgage works, and how to prepare for a job interview. It should have tests to evaluate the students' understanding, but it shouldn't impact their GPA.

Edit: It seems a lot of people are saying this is a parent's job and I don't want to keep responding with the same thing so here:

You aren't wrong. But that doesn't mean that this idea would be wrong either.

There are plenty of kids whose parents do not have this wealth of knowledge to share with them. Parents who aren't from this country, parents in poorer cities who are ignorant or work too much to have time for this, parents who became parents at an age before they had the chance to learn these things, and there are children who don't even have parents (thanks to /u/PromptedHawk for adding this last example).

Do the children of these types of parents not deserve this information just because their parents didn't/couldn't teach it to them? Does the real-world education of a child stop where their parent's did?

Stop looking at the world through the scope of your own life and situation. Think of others.

I wish there was an alternative to the "go to college, get a job, buy stuff, die" construct we have going. It all seems so fruitless.

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‪It's weird that pets in foreign countries know more of that country's language than I do. Like, dogs in Japan know waaay more Japanese than I ever will.

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Your DNA is just millions of years worth of software updates.

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People were less depressed in the past because they were too busy just trying to stay alive.

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"I'm on my period" can either be the most disappointing text or the biggest relief ever

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I've lived my entire life without experiencing the fear of being eaten by a natural predator. All things considered, I don't appreciate this nearly as much as I should.

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As I get older, I become more socially capable but less and less interested in making new friends.

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When I was 5 years old I might've given a girl I had a crush on a cool rock. 20 years later I would do literally the exact same thing.

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It takes more muscles to frown than to smile. But if you're reading sadness on my face, I’m probably not that concerned with muscular efficiency.

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I will be a skeleton for way longer than I was ever anything else.

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The P in PJs stands for puh

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As i get older i start to agree more with villains when they say stuff like " the earth must be destroyed to build a better one"

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All of the websites for finding lyrics look like they were designed in 1993

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Telling someone they can't feel down because "someone has it worse than them" is like saying they can't be happy because someone has it better than them

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I consider all existing "smart" appliances worthless; however, I would greatly appreciate a dryer that would text me when the load is done and that doesn't exist.

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overprotective parents raise the best liars

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People saying "they put their pants on the same as me, one leg at a time" as a way to humanize someone, but I sit on my bed and put both my legs in and wiggle around like a weirdo until their on.

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Students that ask questions in school are considered stupid or slow by others. Students that ask question in college are admired because they understand enough to actually have a misunderstanding

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Somewhere in the galaxy, your childhood is still currently visible. Your past self still exist, traveling through space at the speed of light.

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It must have sucked to be one of the servants in The Beast's castle and be turned into an appliance forever just because your boss was an asshole.

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Toothpaste companies should make their tubes transparent so we can squeeze the remaining toothpaste more efficiently.

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Your salary is the bribe they give you to forget your dreams

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I have never heard someone in a restaurant ask for Pepsi, and heard "Is Coke okay?"

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We live in strange times where phones catch fire and cigarettes are charged.

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Zombies on treadmills would be an excellent source of renewable energy

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When playing limbo, setting the bar high is setting the bar low.

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I get irrationally offended when websites tell me my password is weak.

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The best thing about japanese porn is they censor it so I can watch it with my family

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as an adult, i always forget that i can literally get in my car and buy a cake whenever i want and no one can stop me

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People who were born prematurely can never say the phrase "I was born ready".

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I have a recurring fear that I may actually be mentally handicapped, but everyone is working together to allow me to live a perceived normal life.

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Geese are the asshole teenagers of the animal world. They strut around in groups, shit all over everything, slowly walk in front of your car like they own the place, and run away squawking when confronted.

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I'm fully convinced that some people's hobby is looking for things to be offended by.

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I have secretly been hoping for the apocalypse so I can justify avoiding responsibility.

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Wolverine can't be circumcised because his foreskin would keep growing back.

Just thought of this after watching "Logan"...

If you keep going North, you will eventually go South. If you keep going East, you will never go West.

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If I drink a beer in the evening after working 8h nobody gives a shit. If I drink a beer after a 8h night-shift everybody thinks I'm an alcoholic.

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In Sci Fi we see all these starships named Hyperion or Nabucodonosor, but the way things are going, they would probably be named Shippy McShipface

Or worse

• TopKeks
• Rekt
• PewPewYouDie

Apartment complex's should have a mail box for, "Does not live here anymore mail."

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Greeting card aisles should have a little table with pens set up so people can sign them there instead of the center console of their cars.

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Anyone who says guys don't start drama has never read a history book

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It is hot when my GF wears nothing but a white t-shirt. When I do it, it looks disgusting.

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Doing anything "solo" sounds way cooler than "alone".

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The amount of times I've deleted a reply because 'it's just not worth the headache of arguing' far exceeds the amount of times I've actually left a reply.

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I'm never more comfortable than in the 9 minutes of my snooze alarm.

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As a loyal customer, I feel really ripped off when companies have a promotion for new customers but offer nothing for customers who have been with them for years.

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Anybody who has used a chainsaw knows it will make a terrible weapon.

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Internet browsers should have a button that you can push to tell the website host that you immediately backed out of the website without reading any of the content because of the horrible ad design.

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I'm probably more embarrassed of my calculator history than my Internet history.

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I wonder how many strangers have stories of me being that random person doing that weird thing that I didn't think anyone saw.

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Due to blinking I've never actually watched an entire movie from start to finish.

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People have sex everywhere in TV shows and movies but never have anything to cleanup with

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If a shark told its shark friends that it had been hooked in the mouth, pulled into the sky, measured, tagged and tested and thrown back they would treat him like we would treat someone claiming an alien abduction

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You should be able to facetime 911 in situations that would benefit from an instant witness at your side.

In an abusive relationship? Dial and Point. Suddenly a cop (or authority-ish figure) is staring down the offender and it may be enough to stop them in their tracks.

Getting Robbed? Well then saying "Hey Siri, Facetime 911" might actually get you shot/stabbed. Or saved, who knows?

There is no greater indication that I'm wrong in an argument than when a Google search turns up 0 relevant results.

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When someone gives you their phone number, it's like them giving you the password to talk to them.

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Google maps should randomly place "waldo" in maps just to keep things interesting

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A funny thing about hipsters is that some don't realize they are hipsters, and those hipsters often make fun of other hipsters for being hipsters. This gives me constant paranoia that I too may be a hipster.

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When I was in high school I used to hate eating lunch alone, but now that I work full time, eating alone is the most relaxing and enjoyable part of the day.

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Ten minutes is an eternity on a treadmill and is nothing when you hit the snooze button.

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If I find something I like on Amazon but see the that it is "sponsored" I will refuse to buy it regardless of how many reviews and stars it has.

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Car alarms should come with "ringtones" so you know when yours is going off

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If Hallmark sold "you park like shit" cards, they'd probably make a fortune.

Front: "Congratulations!"

Inside: "You park like an asshole!"

Front: "Just wanted to say how much I love your parking..."

Inside: "And by 'love,' I mean 'fucking despise.'

Front: Let me truthful, let me be blunt...

Inside: From this certain angle, you park like a cunt.

Nobody sings Happy Birthday when we are actually born.

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Now that I can afford an awesome spring break trip, I don't have a spring break anymore

Where did college go

In Pulp Fiction, $5 was an absurd amount of money for a milkshake. Now, I'd be surprised if I found one for less than that.

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You don't know how secure your house is until you forget your keys.

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Monday the 13th seems like a way un-luckier day, because Monday.

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When im driving 45 behind someone in a 45, im like hurry the fuck up! But, when driving 45 alone....totally cool with it, hell i might go 43

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In all my years of using the internet, I don't think I have ever once purposely clicked on an ad.

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You're more likely to get murdered in your own home in the next 30 minutes than win the lottery

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Getting married sounds pretty crazy when you realize that you've failed at literally every relationship you've had previously.

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The only people I use the phrase "Ladies first" with are my male friends.

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I wish there was a "take your spouse to work day."

Understanding what your partner goes through on a regular basis could probably prevent a lot of conflict at home.

When I die, I want my grave to offer free WiFi so people will visit more often.

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Some of the smartest people are not good at taking tests. I can't help but wonder if I am actually really dumb with an above average test taking ability.

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'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you' probably explains why so many guys send unsolicited nudes.

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If anyone really can see me through my cell phone or laptops camera, I feel sorrier for them then I do myself.

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Why does no one trust Harry Potter when he sees something evil? If a 12 year old kid told me that there was a pack of wolves nearby, I'd at least look into it

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My parents carried credit cards for emergencies. I carry cash for emergencies.

Taco trucks, pizza, and soda are my only emergencies.

The placebo effect has probably cured more people in ancient times that the actual medicine available at those times.

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When I was a kid, I had dozens of phone numbers memorized and a few important passwords were written down. Now it's the opposite.

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A stick's only a stick after it's unstuck from a tree

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I've never had enough money to do everything I wanted to do but I'm fortunate that I've always had enough money to not have to do the things that I didn't want to do.

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Wolverine slashes people with his claws to attack, then they retract back into his skin. So he must've gotten AIDS and other diseases at least a few times in his life.

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Swimming is using every muscle in your body to not drown and die yet it's considered a fun recreational activity by most.

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"Men should respect women" is often considered a progressive phrase, whereas "women should respect men" is seen as a misogynistic remark.

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When I was in high school, I had a Discman, and I would listen to the same album again and again and never get sick of it. Now I have 10000 songs in my pocket, and I can never find anything I want to listen to.

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My 4 year old uses lasterday and nexterday instead yesterday and tomorrow. Makes sense...

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I am thankful for having one old clock to prove my others that automatically reset for daylight saving time worked.

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Six months is just the right amount of time it takes to forget how to adjust a car's clock

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They need an Incredibles prequel showing Edna's backstory

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It would be really awkward if aliens made first contact on Halloween.

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my birthday is only 23 hours long. 2017 ripped me off.

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If everybody on Earth blinked simultaneously, nobody would ever know.

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We should start referring to dadbods as father figures

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I smoke cigarettes outside to keep the smell out of my house, but I smoke Marijuana inside so the smell won't leave my house.

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Alexa, Siri and Cortana are devices we command and are female. Watson disperses knowledge and is a male

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The clock in my car is about to be right again!

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my parents wanted to have three kids, the first kid they had died in infancy and so they had three more. I am the youngest child, my entire existence is based on the mortality of my dead brother whom I will never meet.

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Tobacco companies are killing their best customers, and condom conpanies are killing their future customers

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I'd rather sleep all day and dream that I have a happy life than go back to my depressing reality

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"All-human staff" will eventually become a selling point for restaurants, like "free-range" or "fair trade".

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Somewhere out there is a guy in prison for stealing vcr's

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CAPTCHAs are becoming so hard to decipher that soon only bots are going to be able to solve them.

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They should have a news feed scrolling along the bottom of the Disney channel so parents of toddlers can have some idea of what is going on in the world.

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If I see my dog lick his butt I refuse to let him kiss me. But, if he comes in from another room and tries to kiss me I'm cool with it, even though I know there's a very good chance he's been licking his butt.

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We should start referring to handjobs as protein shakes.

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The Romans understood the concept of heat creating lift, yet never applied it to flight, and hot air balloons weren't invented until 1783. I wonder what seemingly obvious connections we're missing today that could change the world.

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You know you're watching a show too much when you've perfected skipping the opening credits

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If the number of fish keep declining, future generations will think the quote, "plenty of fish in the sea" was a sarcastic way to say you wont find anyone

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I have no problem understanding that some fish eat other fish, but I find it strange that some birds eat other birds.

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If I ever became a serial killer I would go after clowns. You could hide at least 20 dead clown bodies in one of those tiny clown cars.

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A Youtuber telling me to "Hit that like button", has never made me hit that like button

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Ironically, the internet was invented to save us time.

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It's strange that water bottles have nutritional information when all the values are always 0, but alcohol which contains tons of calories and sugar, does not.

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Pulling out your phone and fake-texting to avoid looking suspicious is the modern version of putting your hands in your pockets and whistling

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Why do we use the terms "house-wife" and "house-husband" when "house-spouse" rhymes?

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Despite using Google everyday for almost 10 years, I still wouldn't be able to tell you the order of the colours in the logo.

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The internet gives a voice to a lot of people who should have been ignored.

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I never use the drawstrings of my jacket, but they must be there and evenly lengthed.

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They use "As Seen On T.V." as a mark of quality, but every time I see it, I assume the product is a piece of shit.

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Half of the time you hear a story about a crazy ex, the storyteller is the crazy ex.

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There's a famous Kate Upton and Kate Middleton. I wonder if we'll ever get a famous Kate Downton.

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Imagine how shitty the person who forgot how to ride a bike feels

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March 12th 2AM. I am going to wear heart rate monitor and have sex with my wife. The graph will show I performed 1hr and 30 seconds due to Daylight Saving.

If I try real hard I can go for 1 hour and 45 seconds.

Imagine If giant aliens abducted you, killed you, and then aggressively rubbed your corpse all over their giant alien bodies until it got so worn out That it falls apart and is then tossed away. The lives of sponges are truly bleak

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The most awkward time to suddenly go deaf would be during a moment of silence. After 10 minutes, you'd be like "Damn...this is taking forever."

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Who ever started the tradition of the groom not being allowed to be present while the bride shops for the wedding dress should be awarded a nobel peace prize.

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Everytime I look at myself in the mirror, I am technically looking at myself from the past

Think about it

The dread from thinking you might throw up is 100 times worse than actually throwing up.

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Why do I have to pay more when I ask for something extra on a sandwich but I don't get a discount when I ask for no tomatoes?

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Steam has more security checkpoints than my online banking account

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Regret is the wet sock you get from not picking up the bit of ice that fell on the kitchen floor 15 minutes ago

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Most orchestras are just 1800s cover bands.

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We had nuclear bombs before we had colour television.

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I just watched a mom calm her baby down by saying "Pizza!" And handing him a slice. Made me feel uncomfortable since I'm a grown ass man and that would work to calm me down.

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Conspiracy theorists say "don't believe what they tell you" but then proceed to try and make you believe a theory

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Money is like toilet paper, you don't care how much you use until you're almost out.

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Every bullet ever fired since my birth has missed me by a certain number of inches. I wonder what the lowest number is.

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There are infinite universes with infinite possibilities, and I'm stuck in the one that doesn't have superheroes.

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Every time I find a new favorite song and eagerly check out the artist/band for more, it turns out that's the one song that's different from the whole rest of their career

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Reach for the stars, because even if you miss, you'll be miles away from me with your motivational bull shit.

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A human came out of a human because a human came in a human.

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If your username is John68 I assume you're 49 years old, if it's John69 I assume you're 12 years old.

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Yea you're made up of star stuff, but so is garbage so calm the fuck down.

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The first person to do a cover of a song is the most original, unoriginal person ever.

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If Stephen Hawking ever tells us to stop worrying about AI taking over the world, that's probably a good sign that it already has

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"Grab Our Pussies" would be an excellent slogan for an animal shelter.

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I hate having to prove to a robot that I am not a robot.

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If I had two dishwashers rather than cupboards then I could just rotate between them without ever having to "unload the dishwasher" because one would always be clean and one would be dirty.

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Driving to and from work are the loading screens of reality.

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After calling people "bro" ironically for seven years, am I still doing it ironically?

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Constantly driving stolen cars in GTA must be so uncomfortable since everyone's seat and mirrors are adjusted to the owner's liking.

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Everyone probably thought the first deaf guy was an asshole

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To be a good liar, people must think you are a bad liar.

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Getting a visa to a country you want to visit is like getting an expansion pack in real life.

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Teenagers drive like they have limited time, old people drive like they have all the time in the world.

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I bet the first person to upload a cat video to the internet had no idea what they were starting.

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There are few things in a man's life more satisfying than successfully piss-blasting a shit-stain off of the inside of a toilet bowl

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If a website keeps all of my incorrect password attempts, they probably have all of my passwords.

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If a ghost can open cupboards and break things, why not just take a pencil, find paper, write exactly why it's unhappy, and tape the message on the fridge.

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I'd pay good money to see TV show bonus episodes in which the actors swap scripts around and do their best impressions of each other's characters.

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In Big Bang Theory two scientists have to share an apartment to be able to afford it while a waiter can live next door alone

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Congratulations to drugs for consecutively winning the war on drugs

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The music at the beginning of porns is just so you can adjust your volume settings to avoid being heard

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Does anybody else have the the fear of mistyping your Password, and then retyping the same mistake into the Confirm password?

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There are over 7,500 different types of apple, but only one "apple juice".

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The more suicidal people, the less suicidal people.

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If I don't check randomly for superpowers, how do I know that I don't have them?

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Twice a year, on daylight savings day, I am reminded that no matter what we believe, when we put our minds to it we can all come together to achieve some pointless shit.

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If you threw one bird at the other bird really hard, you could kill two birds without the need for the stone at all, much more efficient.

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Sometimes, ill watch a movie that i watched when i was younger and realize that i had no idea what the hell was going on when i first saw it

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It must be really nice to have your basic needs met enough to be able to stay home in protest of something.

I mean this in the most sincere way. I longed to be with the Occupy WallStreet movement, the Standing Rock protest, and more, but I am the sole provider for a family of 4.

I never realized how much I was in denial about going bald until I tried to design my Nintendo Mii.

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The most annoying thing about stupid people is that they don't know they're stupid.

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I secretly give Adam Levine huge loyalty points for never ditching Maroon 5 and going solo.

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Birth is the #1 cause of deaths

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When you say "my old man" you're talking about your father. When you say "my old lady" you're talking about your wife. Does English have an Oedipus complex?

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