Serial killers really ruined hitchhiking for everyone.

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A lot of horrible jobs would actually be fine if people weren't assholes and bullies.

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If women get paid $0.77 per every dollar men make, then why are businesses not hiring all women? Because that would SURELY cut costs

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It's socially acceptable to tell people when your birthday is except on your birthday

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Chipotle should have a drive thru that delivers their burritos through chutes like the bank.

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The clothes I dislike and use for dirty work are the clothes I end up keeping the longest.

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Why do people say "bow and arrow", like we need the reminder of what kind of ammo is used? Nobody ever says "flamethrower and high-pressure tank of natural gas and propane", or "minigun and chain of 7.62 mm rifle caliber bullets".

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Nothing's more infuriating than watching someone else use a computer.

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How do the cars in Cars see backwards when they're eyes are on their windshield and the mirrors are on this side

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We don't have to worry about AI taking over the world because we have that "I am not a robot" check box thing on the internets.

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I hate opening presents in front of people because I'm not good at pretending to be excited.

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If the bees are dying but honey never spoils, stockpiling honey seems like a sound investment.

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Taco bell must save a lot of money on always forgetting one item in your order.

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Games with unskippable cutscenes should have a joke achievement if you are idle for a minute after it finishes, like "You went to the bathroom didn't you?"

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Finding your phone after some time away from it, only to see no notifications is both depressing and relieving.

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I used to think "I scream you scream we all scream for ice cream" was "I scream, you scream, we all scream, for I scream" implying that if one person began to scream everyone else would too, which is actually pretty accurate.

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You know you're getting older when your friends are getting pregnant on purpose.

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As a man, there are few sensations more horrifying than when sitting on a public toilet, and the tip of your penis accidentally touches the toilet seat.

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While "don't you dare" is grammatically fine, "do not you dare" just sounds plain wrong.

Do not you dare come in!

Loosening your tie and undoing the collar button is basically the male equivalent of taking a bra off after work

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It's more acceptable to drink 3 or 4 beers in one sitting than it is to drink 3 or 4 sodas

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Does my cat know she's small enough to not kill me when she walks all over my body or is she just rolling the dice?

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1 mile per minute sounds a lot faster than 60 miles per hour

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0% of flat-earthers have tried to travel to the border of the planet. That would be the first thing I would try to do if I beleive in a flat Earth, how cool would it be?

I would take some selfies for Facebook tbh.

I wonder when I will be overwhelmed by technology to the point I don't understand it anymore, and what device will push me over the edge.

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Ice skates are basically knife shoes

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The brain is the worst radio station. It plays songs on repeat all the time and half the lyrics are wrong...

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I spend more time looking for a porn video to watch than actually watching it.

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Every Sudoku puzzle I've ever done could be the same puzzle and I'd never notice.

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I wish my desire to sleep during the day and my inability to sleep at night would trade places.

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We should bury dead people face down so that if there ever was a zombie outbreak they would dig downwards.

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It seems like half the friends you make through school end up being your friend just because you see them 5 days of the week.

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I wonder if I already own the clothes I'm going to die in.

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Next time a conspiracy theorist tries to tell you 'what really happened', present a more outlandish theory and accuse them of covering up the truth.

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In Jurassic Park the goat came up to feed the T-Rex from underground. There had to have been a massive underground tunnel system everyone could have escaped through.

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"Pain is weakness leaving the body" isn't the best thing to say to your wife during childbirth.

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Birth certificates are really just baby receipts

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Amazon Prime Day is on July 11 because 7 and 11 are both prime numbers

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2003 is as far away as 2031

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Anyone else get sad on when a car you've been following on a road trip exits the highways?

It's like losing a travel buddy.

Just realized I use Barbasol shaving cream simply because it was used to smuggle dinosaur embryos in Jurassic Park 24 years ago. Their longevity of product placement is almost as old as I am.

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Living *with* your parents past a certain age doesn't make you pathetic, living *off of* your parents past a certain age does.

If you're helping out with bills, food, and house work what's the issue? Why is there this stigma that people living at home are pathetic? I do not live with my parents but have seen many people that do. Some live with and some live off of their parents.

If plants made gargling noises when being watered, a rainy day would be the most uncomfortable and awkward thing ever.

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Breaking Bad's storyline probably wouldn't make much sense if it happened in the UK, because Walt would have had his healthcare for free and Skyler and JR would have been looked after with various benefits.

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What if Drake not being invited to Josh's wedding is just an elaborate setup for a Drake & Josh reunion where the first episode is then talking out why he wasn't invited and Josh reveals that he was invited but his invitation was stolen and Drake asks who would do such a thing and they both realize

Megan

We charge more for jobs using our brains than our muscles. But we look after our physical health much more carefully than our mental health.

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April Fool's Day is the one day of the year when people critically evaluate news articles before accepting them as true.

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If Roaches can survive nuclear blasts, then wtf is in Raid

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I get disgusted every time I see hair on a bar of soap but in theory that's probably the cleanest hair I will see all day.

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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.

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As a teenager in the 90s, inserting an unlabeled VHS tape into the VCR and pressing play was my generation's "risky click."

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Someone born in 1871 could conceivably have witnessed the gunfight at the OK Corral, the attack on Pearl Harbor, the assassination of JFK, and the moon landing.

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To tourists you're just an NPC.

Give 'em a quest.

Volleyball is just a really intense version of "don't let the balloon touch the floor"

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Surgery is stabbing someone to life.

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2003 is as far away as 2031

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If I go my whole life without being shot, I may have been bulletproof the entire time, and not known about it.

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Some people meet, get married, and have kids in the time it takes me to go through a 500-count box of cue tips.

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I don't think I have ever picked up a pair of tongs without clicking them together a couple of times.

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If your website hassles me to subscribe to your mailing list with a pop up while I'm reading your content you've a 100% chance I won't subscribe.

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Is the S or C in "scent" silent?

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They should put "You are one in a million" in literally one of every million fortune cookies.

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When I was a young boy (8-10) I used to think my mom was the coolest for letting me watch movies like Gangs of New York and Scarface. As an adult it now concerns me that she let me watch movies like Gangs of New York and Scarface.

I talked to my mom about this realization before posting and her excuse was "You had a grandfather that didn't care, you had older cousins that didn't care, and you had friends that didn't care. You were going to watch it somewhere, it might as well be under my supervision." She's a smart woman. I also like video games so she bought me Diablo 2 for my 11th birthday, and got me Manhunt for PS2 on my 13th birthday. I swear I'm normal.

I would really like a Google filter which shows you the results that you would get if you searched in a certain year

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No matter what kind of calculator I am using, I am going to hit "clear" multiple times.

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It's strangely comforting to open my laptop in unfamiliar places and see a softly glowing rectangle of home wherever I may go.

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I can't wait to kick my grandsons ass in video games when I'm an old man like my grandfather kicked mine in chess and checkers.

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If I go to prison for not paying tax, I live off of taxes because I didn't pay taxes.

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The fact that I know I'm a dumbass probably makes me smarter than 50% of the population.

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If you were 14 when the Beatles song "When I'm 64" came out, you'd be turning 64 this year

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Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

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You know you're getting old when the single most attractive trait in a woman is that she doesn't have kids.

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It feels like totally different times in human history but Martin Luther King Jr. and Albert Einstein were alive at the same time

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When I'm pooping in a public bathroom I stay as quiet as possible when someone comes in. When I walk in and realize someone is pooping I make more noise than usual so they know I'm leaving soon.

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Greenland's naming was probably one of the earliest examples of clickbait

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Websites should post their password requirements on their login pages so I can remember WTF I needed to do to my normal password to make it work on their site.

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The Flintstones ran to power their car, unaware that the fuel they needed was actually their pet dinosaur.

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I would be fine with giving mosquitoes my blood if they didn't leave an itchy spot

It'd be like feeding ducks, but tiny six-legged ones

Laughing at an obese person exercising is like laughing at a cancer patient recieving chemotherapy.

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An ambulance is a second aid kit.

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The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wear masks specifically so you CAN identify them.

Just take them off and get as inconspicuous as you're ever going to guys.

Actors get paid more to pretend to go to space than actual astronauts do to go to space

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It's interesting how cops hate, distrust and disrespect the cops that are policing them (Internal Affairs) but demand , honor trust and respect from the people they are policing. (The citizens)

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Wrestling is a sport where people without pants fight for a belt.

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A married man can technically refer to his wife as his ex-girlfriend.

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We buy bubble wrap and package insurance from the post office so that they dont wreck our package. They make money by being careless.

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Somewhere out there is a young girl named Morgan Freeman who has to put up with a bunch of shit.

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K-Mart is like the worlds longest going out of business sale.

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As an adult I have learned it is more work to avoid work than to just get busy and do some work.

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I use the self-checkout kiosks even when the manned counters are not full, not for the convenience but for the lack of human interaction

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There is a continuous wave of morning wood boners that goes around the earth as it spins.

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It is strange that Shaggy and Scooby are terrified of ghosts, considering how they regularly discover the more logical explanation that is was simply a person all along.

Perhaps their role in Mystery Inc. is to be deliberately split up from the rest of the group, and to then pretend to be scared. They are then singled out as easy targets, thus luring out the culprit every time.

If the earth was flat cats would push everything off it

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The average redditor probably thinks they are smarter than the average redditor.

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My parents told me I'd eventually grow out of cartoons and videogames. I think they underestimated how long that would take, though.

I'm an adult and I still watch anime, Spongebob and play games.

'Monopoly' is two prefixes together that mean different things.

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One should be more impressed by the person who writes a character development than the actor playing it

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Great golfers and terrible golfers are both sub-par

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I've lived alone for approximately 36 hours now, and I don't think the bathroom door will ever be shut again.

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Some people that think they are rescuing cats off the street, are really just stealing other peoples' cats.

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Whenever I see the same stranger multiple times, I can't help but feel that life is telling me that I'm missing an important sidequest.

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The first wipe is to assess the damage. All remaining wipes are cleanup efforts and confirmation of damage control.

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Hershey's should sell animal-shaped peanut butter candies. "Reese's Species."

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My handwriting seems perfectly legible when I am writing but when I look at it later it looks like I am recovering from a stroke.

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Instead of colorizing photos, in 50 years we will be removing filters.

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I am scared of the day that I am doing laundry and can't tell the difference between my wife's and my daughters underwear.

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Plastic surgeons who perform sex change operations are trans formers.

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According to a box of mac and cheese, I'm a family of four

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I would rather live somewhere that is permanently cold than hot. I can always add layers, but I can only get so naked.

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Google Earth should develop a flat earth model for April Fools

I'd browse that thing all day

I love Tupac's music, and I've always wanted to listen to the album "Strictly For My Ni**az", but as a white guy, I respect Tupac's wishes.

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"Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." Unless you want to join the police or the military. Then it's a felony.

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MTV wouldn't suck as much if they just went back to playing music videos.

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Whoever takes the time to explain complex mathematical subjects on random forums for undergrads must be either a saint or extremely bored

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When all the phones are waterproof, we can go back to pushing everyone in the pool again

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By today's standards, Homer Simpson is not even that fat

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We can start a conspiracy theory that the Golden Gate Bridge doesn't actually exist and 1/3 of the country would believe it.

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If you are supposed to leave a burning building calmly, why do fire exit signs show a man running?

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I never questioned my ability to correctly identify images of everyday things until CAPTCHA started gaslighting the underlying definition of things like cars, grass, or street signs leaving me still wondering if the poles are considered part of the sign or not.

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I always fear that when creating a new password I will mistype it twice in the same way

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People that say go big or go home probably highly underestimate your willingness to go home

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You know you've really reached adulthood when you start having opinions about grocery stores.

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When I was young I was always mad when people waited a few seconds after the light turned green. Now I wait a few seconds to make sure no one ran a red light.

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If I were to sunbathe nude in my backyard and my lady neighbor saw me, she could have me arrested for indecent exposure. If my lady neighbor sunbathed nude in her backyard and I saw her,she could have me arrested for being a peeping tom.

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I'd love to survive to the age where i have to put my planet on my address

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As a kid, when I saw a limousine I expected there was some rich or famous person inside. Now, I expect It's packed with trashy high school kids sharing one bottle of cheap sparkling wine.

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Accents are fonts but for a person

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When women fight in the UFC they should have guys walk around with the cards for the round number

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You'll never know when you were actually middle-aged until you die.

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When I see women in movies "sensually" suck a guy's finger I can't help thinking: "Wow, she's really confident that he hasn't scratched his butthole since he last washed his hands."

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In 2017, a manual transmission is more effective than an anti-theft alarm system for your car...

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if you politely ask me to disable adblock i probably will, if you block the content and say that you will only show it if i disable adblock am just never gonna visit your website again

bonus points if you actually make me disable my adblock and then say i have to register to actually see what i want

Mondays are fine, it's my life that sucks.

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The 60's, 70's, 80's, and 90's seem to have all separate, unique personalities, but these last 17 years seem to just be one big chunk of time that has no significant meaning.

Edit: Cite your sources. Courtesy of: u/JakobColes

To help Sex Education, Pornhub should team up with Telltale to create a choose your own adventure porn game. Every choice has real consequences, forcing people to revaluate the implications of sex.

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Isn't weird how golf uses the smallest ball but has the largest playing field?

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Clothes with logos should be discounted since you're advertising for the brand.

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All microwaves have a popcorn button, but all bags of popcorn say not to use it.

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Being attracted to your own flaccid penis would be the worst fetish ever

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Amazon is doing to department stores what department stores did to small businesses

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Vampires in movies really shouldn't look so well put together, since they can't see their reflections to get ready.

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When a program fails and Windows says its ' Checking for a solution' I've never seen it actually find one.

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The most unrealistic thing about Toy Story was the fact that the claw machine had the strength to pick up two toys

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If a woman offers to split the bill, she is independent. If a man offers to split the bill, he is cheap.

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What if Stephen Hawking is the real slim shady but we will never know because he can't stand up

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Most people go through life with a KDR of 0:1

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Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating.

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If you die during an orgasm, you're coming and going at the same time.

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Not once have I pressed F1 with the intention of opening the Windows help page

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I wonder how actors who are shitty parents in real life feel when they play a role that requires them to be loving nurturing parents

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I wonder how many times I've found something someone else has spent years looking for.

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You always hear stories about lottery winners going broke, but if I won millions and constantly had everyone reaching out for a piece of my winnings, I'd tell everyone that I was broke and lost it all as well.

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With the invention of self driving cars, eventually there will be a country song about your truck leaving you too.

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If you like to drink, you know when the liquor store closes. If you are an alcoholic, you know when it opens.

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I'm going to change my wifi password to 2444666668888888 so when my friend asks for it I can tell him it's 12345678

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I correct auto-correct more than auto-correct corrects me

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When I walk by a business that clearly isn't viable, too niche, bad location, etc. I always feel bad for the employees. Then I feel really bad for the owner, because at one point - it was their excitement and passion. It makes me want to give them business. But I usually don't.

Feels pretty bad.

I consider myself a very honest person, but the thought of starting a diary/journal where I put all of my unedited, non-sugarcoated thoughts, which someone could then read, terrifies me.

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Pirates play games they'll never buy, Steam users buy games they'll never play

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Pornhub should create Sex Ed videos and other instructional videos involving genitalia or general body care.

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If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

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Kids today will never know the joy of winning a free Coke underneath the bottle cap and then immediately being able to walk back in the store and redeem it on the spot.

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I don't trust soap that doesn't get super foamy.

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Dreams are the non-canon parts of our lives

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Paint Brushes Should Be the Knives of Paintball

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All movies based on a true story take place in a shared cinematic universe.

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The generation that put men on the moon is the same generation that needs help connecting to WiFi and doing simple tasks on smartphones.

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You should be able to text and send pictures to 911.

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I feel like Lyft should make something to rival uber eats, it should be titled forklyft

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If you drive behind someone who's driving a really nice car, you can pretend you're driving it in third-person mode

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In every video game RPG, I go to great lengths to make sure I interact with everyone. In real life I do the exact opposite.

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Not many things say "this is someone else's problem now" more than a leaf blower does.

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If I were immortal I'd be an even bigger procrastinator.

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Putting your flyer under my windshield wiper while im in the grocery store makes me want to use your local competitor's buisness instead of yours.

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When a car drives really slow in front of me for a long time, after it turns I drive faster than the speed limit so that the cars in the line behind me know it wasn't my fault.

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If Laziness was an Olympic sport I'd probably come fourth so that I wouldn't need to walk up the podium

... and I don't need to run a Victory lap

I want to sign someone's cast with "Final warning. You have 1 week to get the rest of my money"

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It'd be so depressing if on tinder you received a notification every time someone swiped left on your profile

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Whenever I am driving I hate pedestrians. Whenever I'm a pedestrian I hate drivers. But no matter what I am doing, I hate cyclists.

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You know you're getting old when the "edgy" music you used to play to piss your parents off is being played as background music at Walmart

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Attempted murder should carry the same jail sentence as murder, you still tried to kill the person but you just weren't very good at it.

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I would never watch a pro golf tournament but I would definitely watch a pro mini golf tournament

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Pandora should have an "I like this song, but I'm tired of it" button so you can skip the song but Pandora still finds songs like it.

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A broken clock is right twice a day, but a broken clock that's rotating at 7200 RPMs is right 10,386,000 times a day.

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How important do you have to be to have been "assassinated" instead of "murdered"?

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Technically, if mermaids are half human and half fish, then as a whole human I am half mermaid.

Edit: to all the kind folks in the comments and my inbox who have told me my logic is stupid and I'm retarded, I can PROMISE you I am aware of what level of sense my shower thought makes. Carry on.

You often imagine the First World War in black and white, but Napoleon and the Romans in full colour.

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In the event of an alien invasion please allow Jackie Chan to carry out the negotiations. Everybody knows Jackie Chan does not want trouble.

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56 new emojiis. 26 letters in the alphabet. We're using space age technology to revert to communicating in bronze age hieroglyphics.

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Whenever I see people with Beats headphones, I silently judge them as somebody who cares more about brands than quality.

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If the universe is truly infinite, there's no such thing as fiction.

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Paying with my plastic debit card leaves a paper trail, but paying with paper currency does not.

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I don’t hate cleaning my room, I just hate being told to do it.

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I wish there was a socially acceptable way to tell strangers you are not interested in having small talk.

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BIC makes two of the most easily lost items. Pens and lighters.

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They should paint a line on the road where you'll safely make it through a yellow light if you're traveling the speed limit.

It would make it way easier to gauge if you should stop or continue through the light and prevent people from stopping abruptly when not necessary.

Being asked to turn off my AD-blocker is more likely to make me leave than turn it off

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If the Bloodhound Gang song about "doing it like they do on the Discovery Channel" were written today, they would be singing about having sex on a crab fishing boat, or with gold miners, or while flipping cars in Texas.

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If aliens looked at earth, they would see the majority of humans loosing consciousness as the earth points away from the sun. They would probably think we are somehow powered by the sun.

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Warren Buffet and myself have a combined net worth of $76.7B, suck on that

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What if aliens make their spaceships look like crappy CGI so when someone posts a video of them online people assume they aren't real

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How come when a house is haunted the ghost is always from the 1700s? Imagine a ghost from 2007 screaming "IT'S BRITNEY, B*TCH" at 3AM

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The bigger your shoes, the bigger your dick, the bigger the car the smaller your dick. No wonder people are so afraid of clowns.

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If humans had tails we'd be the only species sticking them up each other's butts.

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I'd really love to watch a horror movie where everyone makes the right decisions.

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Some muscular hipster should start an artisanal landscaping company. Cutting the grass with a scythe, shit like that.

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Am I the only person who deliberately leaves the bodies of flies I've killed on the windowsill to scare other flies away?

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If people could stop speeding up as I pass them, that would be nice.

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When Jimmy Page dies, they'll be an obnoxious amount of "Stairway to Heaven" references in social media

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Wouldn't it be grander if Burger King employees welcome us with "Welcome to the Burger Kingdom, how may I take your order?"

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Uncle Ben not coming back to life is probably the greatest miracle in the entire Marvel timeline

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Physics is basically playing the "keep asking why" game to the extreme.

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When the airbag in a car goes off, the speedometer should stay wherever it is so that police know how fast the car was going when it crashed.

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I should just get rid of all of my socks and get like 12 identical pairs so I don't have to worry about finding the matching pair again

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I’m almost positive this is the century that will decide if mankind’s future looks like in Wall-E, Star Trek or Mad Max.

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If I ordered bottomless fries as my last meal before being put to death then I could technically avoid the death penalty.

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If I had to explain middle age to a 20 year old: Imagine you're you, but nobody cares anymore and everything vaguely hurts all the time.

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With the amount of information Google has on so many people, I wonder why they haven't started a dating site yet.

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I'll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

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Eye glasses make you look smart, but you fail a test to get them.

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People get offended by an innocent fart, yet would bless you for sneezing which could easily give them the flu.

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Why do "do what makes you happy" commercials always show people that like to hike/adventure, and not show people that like to sit in a dimly lit room playing video games for hours on end.

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So when girls visit porn sites, do they get a popup message " A fat bloke in your city wants to have sex with you"

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Wearing a straight-jacket should be the slang for being secretly gay.

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I'd stand up for the views of flat earth movement before I would stand up for the antivax movement. At least a flat earther's opinion won't harm anyone.

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If cats were governed like dogs and had to be put down every time they bit a human, all cats would be dead.

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people must understand that we don't need to save the earth, its the humans that we try to save, the earth will just recover after nature wipes out the human race

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Technically speaking, a donkey's mouth and ears are assholes too....

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All I really want is to just live a simple life in the country surrounded by futuristic technology of my choosing.

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If you die a virgin, you are the first of your lineage to do so in all of history.

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I sometimes fantasize that "Far Side" cartoonist Gary Larson, who retired in 1995, has secretly continued drawing and is about to spring 20 years worth of material on us

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I get more excited counting down the final 10 seconds for food in the microwave than I do the New Years ball drop.

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The least attractive "Download now" button is the correct one.

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I miss the old internet that wasn't an ad-infested shit storm.

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Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.

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I wish food/taco trucks would drive around my neighborhood and play music. Like an ice cream truck, only with dope foods.

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When driving long distances I become "friends" with random people driving cars that go the same direction as me and I'll most likely never see them again and I get sad when they get off on an exit.

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I got an email in 1997 that I didn't forward to anyone. The 20 years of bad luck it cast on me should be up soon.

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When my wife asks what I want to watch on TV, she really wants me to guess correctly what she wants to watch.

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I probably use more energy swatting away a fruit fly than the fruit fly uses in it's entire life.

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They should use real missing persons posters and flyers in movies so millions of people see them.

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Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.

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"Horror" has 1 of the first letter, 2 of the second letter, and 3 of the third.

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I'm embarrassed buying condoms but fine buying toilet paper. So apparently I'm more proud of my shitting than getting laid

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There should be an option to send a text without a tone or vibration so you don't wake someone up.

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Hollywood is in its Aluminum Age; everything it puts out is recycled.

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I wonder if people with the address "1234 Main Street" ever have trouble convincing people that it's their real address

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Food never really goes bad, something just started eating it before you did

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Too many people seem to think a good argument should be based on snappy insults rather than evidence

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All terms and conditions should have a tl;dr

They would actually be effective then

The dictionary is probably the most quoted book

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If a toy from toy story died, the kids wouldn't know, and the other toys would have to watch the kids play with their corpses.

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I feel more sanitary using my own toilet rather than a public one, but the public one has probably been cleaned way more recently.

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The first person to dig up a potato and decide it was something worth eating must have been one hungry motherfucker

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In the Mickey Mouse and Sonic the Hedgehog universes, the difference between sentient and non-sentient animals is whether or not they wear gloves.

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When people say "excuse me" they usually say it at a volume that directly correlates to how much they need you to move

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With self driving cars becoming more popular it's just a matter of time before country songs include their truck leaving them too

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If someone 50 years ago were told that there would one day be eight planets, they would think something incredibly exciting happened.

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If a restaurant is able to charge me more for extra cheese, and dressing shouldn't they reduce the price if I don't want an item included from the base cost?

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The first dude that accidentally drew an optical illusion must've thought he was going insane

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The letter "X" has more uses in Mathematics than in the English Language

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I wonder if dogs and cats think that humans have chameleon-like abilities since they see us in different clothes every day.

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I used to prefer shopping online for "discreet" products (sex toys, hemorrhoid cream, lice shampoo, etc.) Now I'd rather buy those in person than let sites like Amazon have it recorded in my purchase history.

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At this point every time I see an article saying "Millenials are killing ___" my brain automatically replaces it with "Millenials can't afford to go to ___"

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I feel almost betrayed when someone who has been driving behind me for a while turns off my route

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"How's the baby?" is code for "I can't remember if you had a boy or girl, but how is that thing?"

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Every device I own capable of watching porn has been used for porn.

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Receipts are the ghosts of money

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Remote keychains for cars should have a mini alarm when the car alarm goes off so people know that their car is making a lot of noise.

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Having a job is terrible and not having a job is worse. I wish I didn't feel that way.

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Websites that endlessly load content shouldn't have their navigation links at the bottom

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I can buckle my seat belt without looking on the first attempt without fail, but cannot for the life of me plug a phone charger in the dark.

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"X" is just "Y" with its legs spread apart.

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TL;DR should come at the top of posts, not the bottom.

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There should be a discount card for the terminally I'll, so they are less financially restricted to do and try new things before they die

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Sometimes when I see a couple together I can't help imagining what they look like having sex with each other.

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In real life, Winnie the Pooh would have eaten all of his friends.

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I stay up late because after 10PM is the only time of day that no one expects me to do anything for them.

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Celebrities just need to google their weight/height if they forgot.

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I feel like watching a Lush store flood would be very interesting to watch.

Edit: please forgive my terrible grammar

I'd probably reach the front page a lot more if I knew which subreddit I should post in.

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If a butterfly flapping its wings can really cause a tornado half way around the world then fidget spinners are going to fuck shit up.

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If The Simpsons keeps going on and they stay the same age, Homer could eventually become a millennial.

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Tobacco Companies kill their best customers

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Grave yards would be a lot more interesting if each grave listed the cause of death

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Sometimes I like to pretend that the Jason Bourne movies are a sequel to Good Will Hunting, because Will decided to actually look into that NSA job and see what it was all about.

This is where Jason Bourne got his start.

I think I stay up late because I don't want the day to end. Not because today was great, but because I don't want to do it again tomorrow.

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Whenever someone says "Thanks for the gold, stranger," I imagine a cowboys voice after someone tossed a coin in his hat

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There's at least one set of identical twins out there whose parents mixed up their identities at one point and are now living their life as the other twin

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Whenever I notice that I've driven behind the same car for quite some distance, I start to think that they think I'm following them.

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Today, millions of fathers will have really heartwarming posts written about them on social media platforms they are unaware of

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Saying, "I'm unphotogenic" is a socially acceptable way of saying, "I think I'm more attractive than all the best available evidence suggests."

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I used to pay for cable with 8 minutes of ads per half hour show. Now a 15 second ad for free internet content makes me angry

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It used to be said "these graphics are so good it looks real" now we have come to "this real thing is so good it looks fake!

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Every time I'm outside someone's house I assume I'm being watched by whoever's inside, yet whenever I'm in my house I hardly ever look outside and wait for people to walk by.

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I can immediately decide if I find a person good looking—except for when I look at myself, in which case I'm really unsure.

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In-N-Out and Five Guys both sound like porn websites.

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According to the multi-world theory, there is a universe where every flipped coin has landed on heads, completely by chance. Imagine rooms full of machines, just flipping coins with scientists baffled as to why it happens

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In a limbo contest, lowering the bar raises the bar.

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The people who type "please" and "thank you" into Google may be the only ones spared from the robot revolution.

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It's sad that a valid marketing point is that something is made with "real" ingredients.

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The mountains on Colorado license plates should turn blue when it's cold outside.

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Whenever I hear a car alarm or house alarm, I don't think "oh shit somebody is breaking in." I think "wow some idiot set off his own alarm."

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Learning a roman language (e.g. Spanish, Italian) is like a "buy one, get one 50% off" coupon because they're all quite similar.

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Happy Father's Day to all you motherfuckers!

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I wonder if any strangers have memorable stories involving me.

I thought about this when my mother in law told me that when my husband was a baby, some stranger insulted her by saying "your baby looks like a little monkey". 30 years later.. she still remembers that strangers rude comment. I'm sure the stranger never gave it a second thought and definitely wouldn't even remember saying that let alone think that someone remembered and held on to that small interaction for decades.

When I was a kid, before I really understood what genders were, I thought all dogs were boys and all cats were girls.

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The first person to have invented audio recording probably thought it didn't work right when their voice sounded different in the recording.

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"out of sight, out of mind" is mostly true, until it comes to spiders.

Genuine shower thought too

Everyone keeps wishing a Happy Father's day to "The Best Dad in the World." I'm flattered, but hope everyone wishes their own dad a Happy Father's Day as well.

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When you realise grown ups aren't as grown up as you've always thought, you've grown up

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Emotions are like pee. You can hold it in for awhile, and sometimes it feels like it goes away. But you'll have to let it out eventually.

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People who cry "I was born in the wrong music generation!" are crazy. Almost all songs from the last 100 years are available at my fingertips ready for my enjoyment whenever I want.

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There should be a 'people are sleeping' button on the microwave to stop it from making noise.

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You can't tell me for one second that Michael Phelps wasn't hitting a bong one night and thought, "I could out swim a shark"

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When I was young I used to sneak away from home to go to parties, now I sneak away from parties to go home.

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If you borrow someone's newly bought blue cheese, you would have something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue all in one item.

You could go to a wedding with that one item!

I'd watch "I am Legend" a lot more if the dog didn't die.

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Sitcoms should have an option to disable the laughter track

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If life gives you melons, you're probably dyslexic

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A mustache is basically your mouth's eyebrow.

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Being a kid is thinking you're the hero about to start their journey. Being an adult is realising you're just another NPC.

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Ellen should give away more stuff like Oprah and rename her show Ellen de Generous

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If you want a fast and accurate device that tells you exactly when the wifi is down, just have kids.

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Imagine how the person who discovered that chocolate can kill dogs must have felt afterwards..

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I just realized that airports are so named because because they are ports for air "ships". Not a water port, an air port.

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At the airport yesterday I spotted a woman wearing a shirt that said 100% human on it. I initially thought "oh that's nice she's trying to show that her race doesn't define her as a person". then it hit me that she might just be an Alien with the shittiest disguise in the world

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I feel like a lot of people want a wedding more than they actually want to be married..

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Why has no flat earther ever decided to go to on an expedition to the edge of the earth and take a picture and prove their point once and for all?

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The voice in my head can perfectly sing along/rap to any song, but I fail miserably when trying to do it with my actually voice.

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The day after batman(Adam West) passed away the Penguins won the Stanley Cup.

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James Bond seems awesome until you think of the real-life headline: "British Intelligence wasted millions of pounds on designer suits, luxury watches, and exotic sports cars for agents."

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Vampires should be walking into mirrors all the time thinking its doorways.

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Computers learn in opposite order than humans. We first learned recognizing shapes, speaking, writing, then advanced math. Computers go from the other end.

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We're about a generation away from retirement homes being full of people growing up playing video games. They'll play on consoles and have LAN parties instead of playing bingo.

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Sheet music is really just a sound recipe

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We think of starfish being star shaped, but really our false depiction of stars is starfish shaped.

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TL;DR stands for "too long; didn't read." But, "too lazy; didn't read" is probably more accurate.

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Walking a drunk friend home sober is a real life escort mission with bad AI

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Sometimes I type my password so sloppy and fast that I think my computer just "let's me have one" when it works.

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31st of december this year the last kid ever born in the 90's will become an adult.

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Arms: tubes. Legs: tubes. Penis: tube. Neck: tube. Fingers, toes: tubes. Veins, arteries: tubes. Esophagus, small intestine, large intestine: tubes. I am so fucking tubular.

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Public bathrooms have hands free flushing, soap, water, and paper towels... so why don't most of them have hands free doors?!

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Whenever I click the 'unsubscribe' link on a promotional email, I cant help but imagine there is someone at the other end shaking their head at the screen and announcing 'We just lost one' to the office.

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There are probably loads of people that find you attractive but have chosen not to say anything.

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I will never get to see the whole of human history beyond the term of my life and that makes me sad.

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If you go North for a really long time, eventually you'll be heading south. If you go East you'll never go west.

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I want a simple life. I want to get up late, drink tea, and read old books. I also want a spaceship and a pet dragon.

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A child becomes an adolescent when he realizes his parents are only human. An adolescent becomes an adult when he realizes that he, too, is only human.

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I look both ways even if i am walking across a one-way street because there is no way I'm betting my life on the intelligence of someone I don't know.

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The world would be a better place if we just standardized to a few Tupperware size and shape combinations.

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A truly terrifying horror film would have the characters making the most logical, common-sense choices, and still getting slaughtered because the villain is just that relentless.

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Only a few hundred people out of several billions will ever see this post. And you are one of them.

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Of all the foods that taste like chicken, shouldn't eggs?

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It would be amazing if when we were put on hold we could talk to other people who are simultaneously on hold.

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They should put slap bracelet material into a blanket so I can make myself a human burrito with the least amount of effort.

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I hate that SEPTember OCTOber NOVember and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months.

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You know you are old when 1) You are watching Celebrity Family Fued and don't recognize any celebrity, and 2) You are watching Family Fued.

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Once self driving cars are common, get ready for that really creepy first news story about a guy who died in the car, and it just kept driving him across the country.

Hopefully the AC was on.

The symbol "&" looks like it's dragging its butt across the floor

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I wonder if drunk me and sober me would get along.

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A suitcase carrying money in a movie is always completely full, no matter the supposed amount.

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At some point I worry that self driving cars will go a route just to ensure you see certain stores or billboards, the real world equivalent of a pop up ad

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You don't truly realise how strong your legs are until you try to do a handstand

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I used to think my parents were living it up having the time of their lives after I went to bed. As a Dad now, I realize they were just watching one episode of TV before falling asleep on the couch.

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Serial dater, Taylor Swift, makes millions writing songs about exes who use her for sex. Therefore, through associative properties, Taylor Swift is a prostitute. There, I said it.

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People say "a penny for your thoughts," but your thoughts are also known as your "two cents." That's an unfair trade deal.

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Future generations will study about Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Elon Musk like we study Edison, Tesla, and Henry Ford

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The letter c is redundant. It has two pronunciations and one can be done with k and the other can be done with s.

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The phrase "dying for a cigarette" is both literal and figurative

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A really nerdy part of me wants all these fidget spinner to be a nefarious plot to harvest our kinetic energy to power some arrogant asshole's interdimensional fuckin car battery.

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Weeding a garden is the botanical equivalent of ethnic cleansing.

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Considering the good nutrition and the widespread lack of disfiguring illnesses, most of the people I know would be considered quite attractive by medieval standards.

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I would use Siri way more if it's voice was Jarvis (from Iron Man)

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It makes sense that babies can never get to sleep. Life is the greatest sandbox video game of all time and the noobs want to stay up playing it.

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Kids born in 2000 will never lose track of their age.

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Cinderella's dress must have been very revealing if the prince looked at her all evening without being able to remember her face.

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I live in a part of the world when I hear a loud bang, I assume it's fireworks and not a gunshot; I don't appreciate this enough.

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It's only when you start working out that you realize how out of shape you are.

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A billionaire spending $1000 is like a millionaire spending $1, which is like someone with $10,000 spending 1 cent

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I wonder if bing's highest search is google.

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I hope dogs never realize I'm full of bones. (Them too)

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gum balls seem to be immune to inflation cost 25 cents my whole life

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I wonder how many people have been watching storage wars and realized "that's my shit".

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I wonder if anyone, somewhere in the world has dressed up as a big M&M and gone to an Eminem concert.

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The thing I miss most about winter is having a lot more pockets.

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I don't care that I wear the same thing twice in a row, I care that other people think I wear the same thing twice in a row.

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Being put on hold is 40x worse when your reminded your on hold every 10 seconds.

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Manatees are also known as sea cows, but they should REALLY be known as moomaids.

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Saying "Fuck it" actually motivates me more than "You can do this".

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I wonder what my Kill:Bitten ratio is for mosquitoes.

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When applications ask to update I'd be much more prone to saying yes if they asked when closing the app, rather than opening when I'm trying to get work done.

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I wonder if I have a remarkable talent for something, but have never tried that one thing.

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I can buy a gun anytime I want, but my state thinks fireworks are far too dangerous for me to own.

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Arguing with my wife is great, I get to sleep on the couch and stay up late playing video games.

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TL;DRs should be at the top of a post. That way I don't have to read it at all.

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Growing up, the only reason I knew drugs existed is because of the "Say NO to Drugs" campaign.

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Brad Pitt level actors should take as many small roles as they can in which their character dies quickly so as to bolster unpredictablity in movies where they play a central role. Audiences won't assume the actor's character will survive every scene.

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I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it

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As a father, on Mother's Day I feel the overwhelming need to shelter my wife from being a mother for a day. On Father's Day, however, I feel the overwhelming need to be a good dad and spend time with my kids.

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My parents generation: I work hard so my kids don't have to. Also my parents generation: these kids don't work for shit.

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I can't wait till the time comes where 80 year old men are blasting dubstep in their cars.

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When driving in a School Zone, I spend more time checking my speedometer than checking if I've run over any kids.

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If i was ever stopped by the police and asked to say my ABCs backwards, i'd fail even if i was sober

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"So who's driving?" is going to be the dad joke of the decade when self-driving cars are more of a thing

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North Korea can't send Spy's to other countries because they'll realize they've been lied to all their life

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If voodoo dolls worked I would give myself the best back rubs.

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I wonder what it feels like for a videogame npc to give some random nobody 3 gold pieces to cut their grass and then find out like a month later that the guy went on to defeat the great evil that plagued the land.

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If your birthday was six months ago you were actually born 186 million miles away on the other side of the sun.

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Games like Skyrim or Breath Of The Wild should give players who go long periods without playing "player Recaps" so you remember what you were doing when you last played.

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Isn't a billionaire just a different type of hoarder?

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Masturbating is like having to cock a gun 1000 times before being able to fire it

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The day I stop caring about the random person in the public bathroom hearing me shit loudly is the day I consider myself to be an old man.

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The greatest honour a spy can receive is a medal given to them by the enemy.

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I pronounce "Caribbean" differently when I'm talking about the region than when I'm talking about the pirates movies

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Mrs Incredible must have had the easiest labor ever

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When I was a kid, I was afraid of the dark because of ghosts and monsters. Now I'm just afraid of tripping over shit.

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"Scary" amusement park rides should have an extra, unnecessary safety harness that intentionally breaks mid-ride.

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Matching on Tinder with a woman above 30 still gives me that curious MILF excitement, despite me being 29 now

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If I were to suddenly disappear, those who investigate my home afterwards will almost certainly say "Looks like someone left in a hurry."

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In all my life I have never seen a baby seagull, they are always the same size.

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I'm lucky to be broke at a time when minimalism and sustainability are in style.

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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

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If Bill Gates gave away $10,000 to a person on the street every minute, 8 hours a day, 365 days a year... it'd still take him 50 years to give all his money away

...and that's if he didn't keep earning money during the process

They make pocketless pants for women just so they can sell more purses.

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A group of bats should be named a batallion, rather than a colony.

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You never see someone using a bicycle in an apocalypse movie, but it seems like the most likely transportation if we lost all power and gas

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Cell Phones killed the era where pushing your friends into the pool was cool.

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If My Life Flashes Before My Eyes When I Die, I Will See an Awful Lot of Sleeping, Eating, and Masturbation

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Cars should have two horns: one for "thank you" and one for "f**k you"

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If you're smart enough to know you're not good at something, odds are you're smart enough to get better

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If I was the last person left on earth I think I would still use my turn signal

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Car horns should only play the notes C, E, and G, so every traffic jam is a beautiful harmony

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Somebody had to pitch the slogan "Pizza pizza" to a room full of suits.

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I think part of the reason we love memes so much is because it's like having an inside joke with millions of strangers

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My iPhone needs to be on charge so often, it may as well be a landline.

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I started tapping my back pocket as a habit to make sure my phone was in there when leaving somewhere so I didn't forget it. It's become so automatic now that I do it pretty hard. So basically, every time I stand up, I smack my ass.

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I can consistently keep my car in my lane at 70 mph, but if lanes had cliffs on either side, I would definitely careen off the edge and die.

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The main thing I use imdb for is to find out "What have I seen them in before?".

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Calling the character The Man With The Yellow Hat, really glosses over the fact that he's a man in an entirely yellow suit.

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People that try to end an argument by saying "Life isn't fair" are usually the ones that treat people unfairly.

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XBox One X is the new console. Short is XBOX. I guess they came full circle...or 360.

New Xbox console announced yesterday is called XBox One X.

also... do you think it's intended that they have the same naming convention as Tesla? Is the one after this the XBox One 3?

The difference between 4AM and 5AM is freaking late and extremely early.

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Cops should carry a coupon book, so if they bother you and it turns out there was no reason to, you get a free burger from your choice of participating restaurants.

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As I get older I find that more makeup makes women less appealing.

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Telling a guy that he's "thinking with his dick" is like telling a girl that she's "thinking inside the box".

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My daydreams basically just consist of what would happen if I was an extremely confident version of myself.

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The phrase "I'm coming to get you," could be the most terrifying or most comforting thing anyone ever says to you.

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An airport is the perfect volatile mix of people in a huge hurry and people with nothing to do for hours.

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Digital downloads should cost less than physical copies of the same thing

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My mind always connected the dots that a puffer fish was puffing up with air. I just now realized that doesn't make any sense at all.

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If you go to jail for tax evasion, you're living off of food paid for by taxes that you didn't pay.

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It must be annoying for nudists when they have to clean their glasses

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Why does my crock pot have an IP address but I can still sit alone at a red light at 3:00 AM for 2 minutes?

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Ages 12-18 seem way longer than 22-28

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Whenever I have mini heart attacks trying to quickly put the change back in my wallet before it's the next person's turn, I always wonder if other people get those mini heart attacks too.

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Writing the Terms of Service is the most thankless job because nobody reads your hard work.

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I was afraid to the gym because I thought the huge gym rats would bully me. Then it turned out most of them are huge gym rats because they were bullied.

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Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last long if you're fat.

Edit: Wow thanks for 800 upvotes, keep 'em coming!

When you're drinking beer, the beer is getting drunk too.

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Your bed is a charging dock for you.

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Rhinos are the real unicorns. They are just fat shamed to think they are not pretty.

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My kid gets more spyware from children's websites in one day than I have ever gotten from watching porn.

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If you sleep 6 hours a day instead of 8 you're awake three quarters of your life instead of only two thirds.

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Making your own beer is like making your own porn. You can let an expert make it at a higher quality for you, but making it yourself is much more satisfying. Both bother the wife a little.

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When I see someone driving the same model of my car on the road, I feel like we're on the same team.

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enemies in video games have unlimited ammo but when you kill them and take their gun it suddenly has only 5 bullets

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I wonder how many women I've met in person whose boobs I've seen on the internet

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What if dreams are just glances at alternate timelines

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Chemistry class is just atoms becoming self-aware.

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If "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids" had taken place in Australia, those kids would have died really, really quickly.

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I never imagined I would live in a period of events so bizarre that Bill Cosby on trial for rape barely made the news.

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I just managed to do all my laundry while naked, making me realize that this is the first time I've succesfully eradicated all of my dirty clothes

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You know you're older when the brand new washer and dryer on Price is Right seems like a great prize.

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If Ace Ventura had been released today instead of the early 90's people would lose their minds at the scene where everyone is basically puking when they find out Ray Finkle got a sex change and is posing as the female detective.

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Someone should invent 3D glasses that clip-on to regular glasses. People that wear glasses would like 3D movies much more

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I wonder how depressing it must be for researchers in Antartica that get ads when they log into Pornhub that tell them there are girls in their area looking for sex.

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Everyone knows the synchronised "crowd clap" to the beat at music events will slowly die a painfully off-beat awkward death yet we can't resist every time it starts

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I would be totally fine with mosquitos drinking my blood if the bites didn't itch afterword

Malaria is also bad.

The atoms that make up my body aren't mine, it's just my time to use them.

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Spilling a beer is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.

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I beat myself up mentally for beating myself up mentally.

I need a break.

One of the security questions the bank should ask me is what kind of music I like, so when they put me on hold for a half an hour, I'd actually be listening to likable music.

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If we made dogs out of wolves, we would make awesome pets from bears.

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People excited about Tiny Houses have obviously never grew up in a Mobile Home. Nobody gets excited about living in a Trailer. Nobody.

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The older I get, the more I realise it's not that my dad didn't know he was being embarrassing, it's that he didn't care.

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I feel uncomfortable when the TV volume is not divisible by 2 or 5.

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A lot of people think PaulMcCartney was replaced by a look a like yet Michael Jackson literally turned white and no one questions his identity

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Whenever I accidentally make a fart noise on a chair I will automatically make that sound on the chair about 5 more times to confirm that it was indeed the chair who farted, not me.

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Riding with your parents gets much more stressful once you actually know how to drive.

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If I was a vampire, I would work retail so I know who deserves to die.

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You can tell how desperate a business is by how difficult it is to cancel their online subscription.

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Searching for a new laptop online is basically forcing your current computer to dig its own grave.

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I'll bet that dinosaur farts were fucking epic.

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The older I get, the younger the age I'm okay dying at.

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I'm self-conscious of how fast my windscreen wipers are whenever it's raining lightly

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I would pay good money for Morgan Freeman to be the voice of Siri.

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You can never be bros with your son because you already broke a major bro code...you slept with his mom.

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If they ever remake The Princess Bride, the should have Fred Savage telling the story to his grandkid. Thereby making it a remake and a sequel.

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Scary Movies should include high frequency noises which only dogs can hear, in order to make dogs bark at the TV leading up to scary parts in the show with high tension.

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