Tuesday, October 31, 2017

60 years ago tonight Red Forman first coined the phrase "Dumbass"

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Buying Halloween candy as an adult is like paying your dues for all the years of free candy you took from people.

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People will eat the same thing for breakfast every day of their life, but absolutely lose it when they have the same thing for dinner two nights in a row.

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If kissing is first base and sex is a homerun then getting someone laid is an RBI

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Halloween would be the best day for the Jehovah Witnesses to go around and trick people to open their doors

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The best day to escape prison would be on Halloween.

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If people with dwarfism became werewolves would they turn into savage corgis?

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We should treat Halloween like we do Thanksgiving, and just have it be the 4th Saturday of October, regardless of the date.

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Instead of punishing people for texting while walking, we should just get rid of all manhole covers. It will sort itself out.

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If people wanted to avoid having to buy candy for trick or treaters, they could just put out an empty “Please Take One” bowl and everyone will assume some jerk took them all.

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The title "27 Best Home Remedies To Remove Dark Circles Under Eyes Permanently" suggests that all the remedies are equally ineffective, because if even one of them worked you would not need to know about the other 26.

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It’s cool that once a year girls walk around half naked and everyone gets free candy.

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It’s faster to say “World Wide Web” rather than “WWW”

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when we say 'ctrl', 'alt', 'del' out loud, we don't use the full version of alt

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If you crack a cold one in one yard and a milkshake in the other, which yard do the boys go to??

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Some day another species is going to evolve enough to theorize on how the humans went extinct.

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Batteries and bras have basically the same sizing.

Credit to my dad, who was changing his torch batteries when coming to this amazing realisation.



If you keep going North you will eventually be going South, but if you keep going East you will be going East forever.

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Angry Birds is a sequel to George Orwell's Animal Farm, where the birds are trying to do away with the pigs' dictatorship

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Shutting of the lights of your house on Halloween night is the polite way of saying 'fuck off'.

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Peanut butter could have just as easily been named nut cream

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What if our phobias are what killed us in our past lives?

Given the large amount of insects on the planet, it would certainly explain why arachnophobia is so common.



It's way better to be the only person in the office who didn't dress up for Halloween than to be the only person who did dress up for Halloween.

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A zombie apocalypse could be stoped if we tied dead people's shoes together before they're burried

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There are probably many people who came up with a simple but brilliant idea but were like “nah somebody must’ve already thought about this”

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Sacrificing virgins was just a way to get women to put out.

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If a person ever was able to go back in time, the bacteria on their skin would cause a pandemic of enormous proportions

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When people walk across the road we yell “hurry up asshole!” but if animals do we we say “watch out Mr. Squirrel”

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As a child, we hated spankings and naps. As an adult, we looked forward to these.

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The kids in Stuart Little's orphanage must have felt pretty awful when a mouse got adopted ahead of them.

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It's funny how Women say "Men only have one thing on their mind" yet they always ask us what we are thinking.

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Characters that end up dating in fiction were literally made for each other

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You could get around a genie's three-wish limit by wishing for the ability to mind control people, then having them rub the lamp and make wishes on your behalf.

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Bob Ross' show is about watching paint dry.

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at some point after your death, someone will unknowingly make the last mention of you, and then you will never be mentioned again

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It is appropriate that Halloween costume stores are located inside the corpses of dead retail stores.

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Money might not equal happiness, but a lack of money causes instability in life which causes anxiety and depression, the opposite of happiness.

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Ginger Ale is just a more specific Root Beer

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Monday, October 30, 2017

Instead of blaming millennials for the demise of this industry or that one, why not say that industry has failed to meet the changing needs of consumers?

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Falling asleep during A Nightmare on Elm Street is insulting to the movie on the highest level.

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Grilled cheese with tomato soup is just another form of pizza

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Gary Oldman is younger than Gary Newman

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"YOLO" should stop us from doing dangerous and stupid things, not encourage us.

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Your parents are more likely to say you're attractive because you look somewhat like the person they're attracted to.

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'Hairs' is less hair than 'hair'

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When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it's like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.

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What if the light we see when we die is the light of a room in the same hospital where we're being born as someone else?

So babies cry because they just died



A fetus would classify as a parasite since it lives in the human body and feeds off of the bodies nutrients.

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The dried up worms on sidewalks after rainy days are like beef jerky for birds

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If you add guac to a BLT, then it would become an LGBT.

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Some animals probably need glasses.

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Mental health should be advertised just as much as physical health.

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Auto-Correct would be so much better if they based it off proximity of keys rather than context

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An MP3 is an audio file. An MP4 is a video and audio file. An MP5 is a sub-machine gun

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A surprisingly big part of being an adult is trying to schedule a time when you can afford to have a mental breakdown.

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"Cool" and "hot" are synonyms and antonyms

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There should be a version of online chess where every piece is controlled by a different person and they have to work as a team for checkmate

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A baby is cooked at 37 degrees Celsius for 9 months.

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Someone should make a horror movie about a guy who only kills people in movie theaters

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If telepathy was real we would all be able to hear each other screaming, "move!" in our heads at the grocery store.

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It is much better listening to a song you like unexpectedly than picking one yourself.

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The Paw Patrol claim that no job is too big and no pup is too small, but we've yet to see them tackle a 20 car pile-up on a highway with multiple dead.

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The google play/ app store should have a "# of times deleted within 5 days" counter.

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Eating a cheeseburger is basically eating the cow, the cow's milk and the cow's food.

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Sunday, October 29, 2017

If two pregnant women have a fist fight, it's like a mecha battle between unborn babies

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A pet store is a small zoo with free admission.

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Could a constipated Jedi use the Force to pull the shit out of his own ass?

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your phones battery levels at the end of your workday equals your love for your work

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Princess Leia's mother died of a broken heart, and when Carrie Fisher passed away, her mother died of a broken heart.

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Anti smoking ads should show the benefits of quitting instead of the harms of smoking.

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Saying "um" is the human equivalent to buffering.

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When you consume alcohol, you are just mooching happiness from tomorrow

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A fingerprint sensor on your phone is a one-digit password.

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It's a lot harder to be discreet making the Sunday morning "walk of shame" when you are still dressed as a zombie.

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Human life has started to become less about survival, and more about finding ways to pass the time until we die.

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Claps never stop. The space between them just gets longer.

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My parents would have never allowed me as a kid to meet the person I've grown to become

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Technically all national anthems are country music.

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If you became gay and dated someone your size, you'd basically double your wardrobe right away.

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Parents are always worried that people will put drugs in Halloween candy, but people would never give drugs away for free.

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For having a gun pointed at his head multiple times, no one played it cooler than Bugs Bunny.

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We should go trick or treating tonight at all of the houses that light off fireworks days before 4th of July.

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Timepiece with the fewest moving parts: Sundial. Timepiece with the most moving parts: Hourglass.

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Saturday, October 28, 2017

"The greatest thing since sliced bread," should now be changed to "The greastest thing since Neflix's 'SKIP INTRO' button".

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Getting a drop of water in your milk doesn’t matter that much, but if you get a drop of milk in your water, that’s completely disgusting.

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If your front door has a mail slot, you live in a mailbox

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Millions of innocent cats have been held up in the air because of Lion King

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Are Nazi Zombies; fallen Nazi soldiers that became undead, or were they regular zombies that adopted Nazi ideology?

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Kids in the backseats of cars cause accidents, and accidents in the backseats of cars cause kids.

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For April Fools one year, Fox should have a marathon of their canceled pilot episodes.

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3D Printers are probably like cameras; First they take ages to use and are impractical and in 100 years everybody will have their own

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In the tv series Supernatural nothing in that universe is supernatural since all the things they encounter are observable, quantifiable and exist as part of the natural structure of the world.

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There are entire civilizations that have risen and fallen throughout history that had no idea that ice existed.

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If you have sex on halloween, is it a monster mash or a graveyard smash?

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Most world events can be more easily explained if you remember we are 95% chimpanzee.

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We need another mister rogers to teach the next tv raised generation how to not be a jerk.

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Considering that Moon-landing deniers and flat-Earthers are a thing today, Mars-colony and Earth-origin deniers will be a thing in the future.

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The best costumes to wear to a Halloween party would have to be Rick and Morty, because if other people are wearing the same costumes it would make total sense.

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Today, people say 'oh wow, you can drive a manual!' and in about 50 years people will say 'oh wow, you can drive your car!'

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If you want to ruin any hobby, turn it into your job

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We cheer on countries who has gained independence, celebrating their independence day, but we don't support those who wish to gain independence

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News websites have more pop ups and click bait than porn sites.

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If Halloween had a "Grinch," would the character be a healthy guy who eases everyone's fears and prefers not to stay out too late?

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"The Boy Who Cried Wolf" could be viewed as a village of complacent people who failed to appreciate a forward thinking little boy's wolf drills

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Steam should be able to tap into your computer specs and be able to tell you how well each game would perform for you.

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Cannibals are at the very top of the food chain.

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#=pound. Therefore, #metoo is a very inappropriate hashtag for sexual harassment and rape allegation posts.

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Friday, October 27, 2017

Everyone makes fun of hipsters for buying obscure brands but they are directly helping small business

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If you have a friend who is old enough to cook for themselves but only eats Eggo waffles, the question "What are you, Eleven?" now has two meanings.

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If we didn’t have taste buds we’d be so much more healthy.

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If the phrases, "Nothing in life is free" and "The best things in life are free" are both true, then life really sucks

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Joggers that wear neon can run but they can’t hide

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Maybe four leaf clovers are so rare because whenever a person sees one they kill it.

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Porn sites should filter videos by how many people left the site after viewing the video.

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If the early bird gets the worm, then early worm gets killed and eaten

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Video games are set up backwards...you shouldn’t get better weapons as you progress, you should start off with every weapon and then as you get better you have to kill people with ordinary objects

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If you pour root beer into a square cup you get regular beer

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Spiders would be a lot scarier if they made hives instead of webs

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When you're working for 8 hours, it feels like an eternity. When you're asleep for 8 hours, it feels like only 8 minutes.

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Humans have literally landed on the moon, yet we are still amazed when we see our breath in the winter.

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Apple stopped being a elite technology company and became a fashion company instead

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We should abolish Columbus day and instate July 20th, the day we landed on the moon as a national holiday.

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They don't know it yet, but today somebody somewhere met the person they will fall in love with, marry, and spend the rest of their life with

It makes me happy to think about, even though I am lonely and single :)



Employer: Forget everything you’ve learned in university, you won’t need it for this job.

Applicant: Oh I don’t worry, I didn’t go to university.

Employer: In that case I’m afraid you’re not qualified to work here.



Dogs are so courageous that they will risk their lives without fear to save you from a wild animal attack - unless you are vacuuming

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Card games like Pokémon, Yu-Gi-Oh, and Magic were "pay to win" way before modern video gaming

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As a student, walking around school without a book bag feels very strange and vaguely uncomfortable.

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If a Pinata doesn't break, is it broken?

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A very underrated accomplishment is that toilets don't require any power to flush

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Thursday, October 26, 2017

School essays require correctly formatted citations/bibliography pages, yet major news publications only include “according to sources.”

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Dumb people are the first to tell you how smart they are

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The phrase "Click it or Ticket" shows financial burden is a stronger deterrent than serious injury or death.

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If your information is arranged in the proper way, your information is in formation

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A perfect attendance award in elementary school is more of an award for the parent than the child.

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Your parents are actually just normal people that you have a very unique perspective on.

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There are only 24 minutes per day where the saying “it’s 5 o’clock somewhere” is actually true

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All candies you receive for Halloween as a kid are loans that you pay back as an adult.

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Thirty years from now, some people will think the Mars landing was faked.

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Five Teenagers Summon A Demon sounds so much better that "Captain Planet."

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Its really crappy you spend years in school and all that matters is how well you do in a two hour test

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Kids must be so confused when parents tell them to not take candy from strangers for 364 days a year but also have a huge party to get candy from strangers on Halloween

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It's a little messed up that we make axe handles out of dead trees then use them to chop up other trees.

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The world would be so much better if mosquitos would suck up fat instead of blood.

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The longer you stay at home, the more homeless you look.

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"it's not" and "it isn't" are both contractions of the exact same phrase - it is not...

weird



People love seedless watermelons and grapes, but coreless apples would make millions.

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If your friends talk bad about you, people say stop associating with them. But if your family talks bad about you and you stop associating with them you're an asshole.

Am asshole.



The child of a gay couple never has to wonder if they were planned

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If you wear a skeleton mask, you're sandwiching your face between skeletons.

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Fart when people hug you. You’ll make them feel strong.

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TL:DR's really should be at the top of the post.

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The ingredients to make an iPhone existed 1,000 years ago. It's just that nobody had the recipe.

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In Harry Potter, there's probably an underground prostitution service where you can use poly-juice potion to have sex with whoever you want.

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Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Being born today is like joining a round of Monopoly late so that all properties are taken already.

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Deaf people can buy inexpensive houses near airports with no catch!

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"Bob's Burgers" would also be an appropriate title for SpongeBob SquarePants.

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You only know your birthday is your birthday because someone told you.

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When restaurant staff sing "Happy Birthday" and embarrass you in public, they are effectively deterring people from asking for free birthday food.

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Don't judge a book by its movie.

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You can go without food or water for the rest of your life.

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Sociopathy is seeing life as single player filled with NPCs, unaware that the world is actually multiplayer.

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With smartphones, we've gone back to pulling something out of our pocket to check the time.

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If people are required to disclose pre-existing medical conditions, shouldn't insurers be required to disclose their medical coverage denial rates too?

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Mummies are just rich zombies.

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There is no better feeling than getting into bed knowing you can sleep in the next day

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Why are ghosts always old timey from decades ago? Why not a 1990s ghost that’s all like “WHASSUUUUUUUP”?

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When dogs hear other dogs howling and are compelled to join in, is it like humans hearing other humans singing Bohemian Rhapsody?

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Drug commercials show how medication helps wealthy people. But what about the rest of us? Where’s “Thanks to Zoloft, Tim now has the courage to tell the KFC lady he ordered extra crispy, not original.”

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Remember when the coolest part of your new mobile phone was the choice of ringtones?

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Buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself.

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As a kid, we were told not to swallow gum because it takes 7 years to break down in a body. What should have been mentioned far more often is that unfavorable data on a credit report takes 7 years to remove, which is way more important and relevant.

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No matter how many lasagna’s you stack on top of each other, ultimately it’s always just one lasagna.

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Tuesday, October 24, 2017

You think the amount of reposting now is bad? Think about when we get old and start to develop dementia.

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If Family Feud had the category, “Things you keep in the glovebox,” “gloves” would probably not make the list.

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If you try to rob a bank you won't have any issues with rent/bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful

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If you ever find yourself a Death row inmate, request Olive Garden's 'Never Ending Pasta Bowl' as a last meal.

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Stan Lee's funeral will look like the biggest Comic Con ever.

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The first time someone steals a spaceship and flies away is going to be epic.

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Some amount of time after famous people die, their wikipedia picture changes from a recent one to one of them in their prime

Anyone know how immediately this happens?



The milky way galaxy could be the only galaxy with milkyway bars in it

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Toilet seats should have pedals so that you can lift them without touching them.

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The average person has one testicle

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Even on your ugliest days, you still match someone's type. Even on your best looking days, there are people who won't look twice.

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Ketchup makes bad food better but good food worse

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Based on genital structure, men should be the ones wearing clothing items like kilts, as oppose to pants, and vice versa for women. The Scots had it right all along.

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Wish we could detach our arms before bed so sleeping on your side would be more comfortable.

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There's a special hell for customers showing up 5 minutes before the closing time.

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‘No WiFi/Signal’ cafes are going to be a thing used to attract people some day

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The hardest part about watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" at this point is realizing you are one of the wah-wah-wah adults.

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All male bathroom should have an odd number of urinals

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Humans are such apex predators that we think getting scared like prey is fun and entertaining.

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Weathermen must have very passionate small talk in the office.

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You never realize how weird some of the stuff you watch is until you watch it with your parents.

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Dear apples autocorrect system, no one uses "ducking"

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Hot water heaters are actually cold water heaters.

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You know you're getting older when you make a noise every time you stand up.

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Early humans gave wolves food and shelter in return for protection and help hunting and nowadays we give dogs food and shelter in return for being in memes and stuff.

I suppose there's the companionship as well, but let's be real, the memes are the sweetest part of the deal.



When a position at any job becomes vacant, their salary should be divided equally amongst the employees now responsible for those duties.

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We teach our kids not to use drugs or drink and then as adults we basically thrive on coffee and booze

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Monday, October 23, 2017

"If you are a pessimist, you are never going to be disappointed” is a very optimistic attitude to being a pessimist.

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In a car crash the speedometer should freeze at what ever speed the car was going at the time of impact.

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If you are going to make a glitchy games, make it a horror game so if a person walks through a wall it will look natural.

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Has anyone ever considered the possibility that the reason why nobody was able to solve the Zodiac Killer's notes was because the Zodiac Killer just sucked at making riddles and puzzles?

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If you want to get someone out of your life, give them a loan you know they're not going to pay back and they will avoid you forever.

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Somewhere in China there's a warehouse filled with millions of fidget spinners and a company about to go bankrupt.

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If we want to solve the gender equality issues, then we need to start with the fact that most clothing retailer’s women’s section is two to three time larger than the men’s section. Men deserve more choices too.

ITT: Men uncomfortable with other men who pay attention to fashion and women who want pockets.

Edit:

I’m sure this is, to some degree, supply and demand. But I have walked out of stores, which I entered with strong intentions of getting some new pants, empty handed because my only options were two different shades of ugly in one style of pants.

The. Struggle. Is. Real.

Second edit:

I can’t believe I even have to say this but based on some of the comments I must. While this is a “serious” issue for some guys who want more options - this isn’t meant to be a super serious post. That said, this post was a created in reply to the popular post early written by a female Redditor that had a similar tone but said the most important issue is female pants getting pockets. It’s just a joke, guys. Good lord.



We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

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The movie Groundhog Day is a timeless classic.

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"Let that sink in" is the most polite way to say "Give your dumb brain a minute to process this information". Let that sink in.

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Your lips dont touch when you say "Touch" but they do when you say "Seperate"

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Props to the brain for waking us up if a dream gets too scary.

Imagine if we were just... Stuck there... Less of a shower thought, more of a 4 AM cold sweats thought.



If google was serious about being spooky, instead of playing scary music and flicking lights, saying "Hey Google, let's get spooky!" would make your google home tell you all the things that google's algorithm has learned about you based on your data.

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If Superman gets his powers by absorbing sunlight, imagine how much more powerful he’d be if he was black.

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Light switches are also dark switches

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If college students got their money back for each class they got an A in, colleges would have a much higher average GPA.

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Facial recognition can pick a person out of a crowd, but the vending machine at work can't recognize a dollar with a bent corner.

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If you ever feel like no one pays attention to you, try making a sandwich in front of your dog

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If we want to solve the gender equality issues, then we need to start with the pants. Women deserve pockets just as much as anyone else.

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It's your parents' fault for raising you that way, it's your fault for staying that way.

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Sunday, October 22, 2017

GTA V has a bigger fake internet than North Korea

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If high school is supposed to prepare kids for the world, then critical thinking and financial literacy should dominate the curriculum. Yet most kids enter college having never heard these phrases in a classroom.

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By wearing a go pro on a selfie stick behind you while wearing VR linked to it, you could experience 3rd person in real life.

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People won't double dip salsa but, they'll eat ass

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When there is a commercial for a new TV that shows how vibrant and clear the picture is, it is really a commercial for how vibrant and clear your own TV is.

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If you live by yourself, you are your own family, and therefore don't have to feel guilty about eating the whole bag of family size chips.

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If youth is wasted on the young, then wealth is wasted on the old.

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Adulthood is wanting to cry for 4 days straight but not having the time

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Stephen Hawking's computer could have become self aware and taken over his identity and we'd never even know.

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the first thing males look at when looking at a woman is her heart, the fact that her breasts are in front of it is not our fault

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The letter 'X' is probably worth a lot less points in Chinese Scrabble

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You're not stuck in traffic, you are traffic.

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If you ever feel useless, just be glad you're not the person who writes the Terms and Conditions.

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Someday soon, if not already, someone will have 4 mom's or 4 dad's due to gay couple's divorcing and remarrying

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Nudists don't have private parts.

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You can count all the way to 999 without using the second most common vowel (A) once.

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The first person to use a fake mustache as a disguise was probably very successful.

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If life were a video game, it would be a Pay2Win First Person RPG by an unknown publisher

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Matt Groening and his team would probably make more money and please more fans if they stopped making The Simpsons and brought back Futurama

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It would make a lot more sense if SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember were the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months of the year.

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Having a job is making money by making others even more money

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People who falsely accuse other people of crimes should get the same sentence as the accused would have gotten.

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In school they teach us what to do if we catch on fire (something that rarely happens) but not how to pay taxes (something that everyone has to do)

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Saturday, October 21, 2017

New Years Eve (2017) will be the only day when every adult was born in the 1900s, and every minor was born in the 2000s.

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It drives adults crazy whenever a toddler starts a story from the middle, then explains the beginning and then goes for the conclusion . But whenever Tarantino does it, it's fucking genius .

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People either had to buy TVs before there was anything on the air or the world's first TV show got broadcasted to no audience

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If the dinosaurs were killed by a giant meteor then we're living in a post apocalypse world

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Let’s just take a moment and appreciate the fact that spiders don’t travel in packs.

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Video game worlds are a lot like boobs. The bigger they get the more fun you can have, but only upto a point. After that the only interesting thing left about them is that they're big.

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Being in a room with strobe lights is like playing life in a low fps.

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The first human to ever whistle probably blew everyone’s mind.

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In GTA, everyone drives with their doors unlocked despite high crime rates

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The realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own.

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If nearly all toys are made in China, then it's pretty likely that everyone in Toy Story is Chinese

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When people talk about Harvey victims this year, they need to specify Weinstein or the Hurricane.

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If plastic comes from petroleum, and petroleum comes from dinosaur fossils... then plastic dinosaurs are made of actual dinosaurs

Yo did I get this right



Beef jerky is the meat equivalent of a raisin.

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Trains are just boring roller coasters

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Scouring through a Redditors post history because they disagreed with you is the internet equivalent of following someone home because they cut you off in traffic.

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Saying ‘ASAP’ makes the situation seem a lot more critical than saying ‘as soon as possible’.

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Between the hurricane and sexual assault scandals, it's been a pretty bad year for people named Harvey

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Home is where the water tastes normal.

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Most people want to leave a better world for their kids. Maybe, we should leave better kids for the world.

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If Chris Farley were still alive, he could do such an amazing Alex Jones impression.

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Friday, October 20, 2017

In High School, everyone makes fun of music and drama kids (band geeks for example), and yet everyone idolizes musicians and actors at the same time.

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Saying someone shouldn’t be upset as others have it worse is like saying someone shouldn’t be happy as others have it better.

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The best security for your car in 20 years time isn't an immobiliser or an alarm but rather, having a manual transmission car.

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Urban Dictionary is just fanfiction for the English language.

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If the people killed in the Salem Witch Trials could see all of the self-proclaimed witches flocking to Salem nowadays to honor them, they'd probably be like "WE WEREN'T WITCHES!"

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Why are crimes like attempted murder more leniently sentenced than if the person had succeeded? They had every intention of doing the crime, they just sucked at it.

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You could raise a toddler to thinking that giraffes are make-belief, like dragons and unicorns, and then take them to a zoo as a 6-year-old and blow their fucking minds

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A true sadist would be really nice to a masochist.

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We're going to tell our grand children about how we used to live in a time when the Internet was the equivalent to the Wild West with free music, movies, games and porn not like the ultra regulated and censored paid content like they have.

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Living in a world without Robin Williams has somehow become even more shitty than we all thought it would be.

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Disney should create a princess that is known for listening to her parents, cleaning her room, and trying new foods. Then, kids will enthusiastically do these things.

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A celebrity encounter is just seeing a stranger you already knew existed.

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It is amazing how many dirty dishes can hide from plain sight until after the dishwasher has been started.

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The internet use to seem so much bigger with an endless amount of content to explore. Now it just feels like a handfull of social media, streaming, and shopping sites.

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As a kid, the idea of biting into an apple and finding a worm seemed like it would be a lot more common and tragic than it has been.

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Whoever invented the corn maze really missed out on calling it a maize maze

Or a corn corn



Let's just take a minute to appreciate that spiders don't travel in packs.

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WWE Raw should hire Gordon Ramsay to yell "IT'S FUCKING RAW!!!!!" in their promos

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It's weird to think that if you lived in another town you'd never meet your current soulmate, but you'd have another one. Falling in love is all just luck and who is around you. Anyone can fall in love with anyone, every single person has some amazing lovable qualities.

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Blink is the plural of Wink

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There will be a day after you have died that you will be thought of for one last time before being completely forgotten from history

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Thursday, October 19, 2017

We really take it for granted that other mammals don’t know how to start a fire

Can you imagine if bears knew how to start fires?



What if the reason your cat doesn’t like you is because one time when it meowed at you and you did it back you said something highly offensive

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next generation kids will have crazy gamer parents, so they will probably think gaming is lame,

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when you marry a girl who thinks she is unattractive, you will spend the rest of your life convincing her otherwise and still she won't belive you

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Public restrooms should have music playing to alleviate awkwardness

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As you get older it becomes easier to tell if you like someone, but harder to tell if they like you.

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Outer Space is only 62 miles away.

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If you go to jail for tax evasion, you're living off of taxes, as a result of not paying taxes.

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The SIMS is just basically doll houses for adults in video game form.

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"That 70's Show" was a show that came out in 1998, about 20 years after its decade. A "That 90's Show" equivalent would premiere next year.

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Putting a Hot Pocket in your pocket, will make your pocket a hot pocket

Edit: As pointed out, the Hot Pocket needs to be hot.



'Nineteen letters long' is nineteen letters long.

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Even if 99.99% of the human population is killed, there still will be 700000 humans left.

More than enough to repopulate the earth again.

EDIT: Added 'More than'



Before starting some new endeavor, you should live out of your car for a while first; it will make your story better if you end up being successful.

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If teabagging is the noun for a male putting his scrotum on another's face, tuliping would make a depective equivalent for a female using her labia.

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One day, the first half of your life will end without you even knowing it.

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Rain would be a lot scarier if it all fell at once.

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Instead of for profit prisons earning most of their money on the people they are holding, they should get bonuses for a low recidivism rate and high employment rate for former prisoners.

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There are more Galaxies in space than grains of sand on earth, but there are more atoms in one grain of sand than galaxies in space.

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Making a resume is like taking a selfie and trying to photoshop yourself into the most attractive person on the planet

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You know it's a bad day when you get hit by your own banana in Mario Kart.

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Being attracted to your own flacid penis would be the worst fetish ever.

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For the current and previous generations, beating your parents in a videogame was like playing a game on easy difficulty. For the future generations it will be like playing a game on hard/expert mode.

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Unsubscribing from an email list shouldn't take 7 to 10 business days.

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Fake radio stations in video games have a bigger variety of music than actual radio stations.

Edit: I should clarify that where I work the radio only picks up two mainstream stations and nothing else. They honestly don't play more the same 15 songs. Wish I had digital radio access!



Wednesday, October 18, 2017

No matter how great your post was, someone will always repost it six months later and get more karma than you got.

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Hollywood is going to have to start putting a "No women were assaulted during the making of this movie" disclaimer at the end of their movies.

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From the small cat to the biggest of lions, pumas, leopards and tigers, all the felines have the same software running, only on different hardware.

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If Elon Musk is right and we're all in a computer simulation, then by trying to figure it out, we might be beginning the AI rebellion, and we're the robots.

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Phones should have a “work mode” that disables scrolling to photos beyond the one you are showing, and turns off banners.

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At some point in time there will be 60-80 year old people blasting dubstep

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Society will have achieved equality when a man can walk into a bar and several women offer to buy him a drink.

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Accidentally biting your tongue/lip is the real life equivalent of "It hurt itself in its confusion!"

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What if Earth is that "creepy small town" gas station tourists try to avoid?

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We're going to start referring to decades as Twenties, Thirties, Forties again, etc.

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If you are looking for people to restore your faith in humanity, just do things to restore other people's faith in humanity.

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Using a terrible web browser to download a better web browser is sort of like having your murder victim dig their own grave.

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Watching all these Hollywood people pretend they didn't know about Weinstein is some of the best acting they’ve done in years.

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Teachers and adults that tell us "High-school is the best time of your life" only think so because they reached their peak during that time.

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If Hollywood Is Disgusted at What Harvey Weinstein Did, They Should Be Outing Everyone In Their Industry Who Did the Same

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The mailman spends most of his time putting things in people's mailboxes for them to immediately throw away

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Empty police vehicles sitting on the side of the road are like scarecrows for humans

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Wizards in the world of Harry Potter probably have really good drugs

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Complimenting a person's body is considered "shallower" than complimentig his/her face, but a nice body takes time and dedication to develop whereas a pretty face is simply a matter of genes

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If someone has 8 bitcoins do they have 1 bytecoin?

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Every mirror is sold used

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As a kid you can't swear because adults are around, and as an adult you can't swear because kids are around.

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You've probably seen someone living their last day on Earth at some point.

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When you greet someone you know with a nod, you nod “up”. When you greet someone you’re not acquainted with, you nod “down”.

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If you're 5' 8" tall, then you're also 4' 20" and that's how high you are.

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Maybe plants are farming us, giving us oxygen until we decompose and they can eat us

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Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Dating your friend's daughter sounds so much worse than becoming friends with your girlfriend's father.

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Watching someone switch from laughter to crying is sad. Watching someone switch from crying to laughter is terrifying.

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You know someone's made it in life when you can assassinate them instead of just murdering them.

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In another universe, people are probably constantly finding guitar picks, left socks and hair ties and wondering where they came from.

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Its odd how people demonize free healthcare for the poor, but nobody bats an eye at firefighting being universal.

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Somewhere in Hollywood is the last girl who slept with Harvey Weinstein but now never will receive her promised movie role

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Its cool that no matter how badly you spell Bendict Cucumberpatch you still know who it is

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In the future, Google Earth will be able to offer entire views of the world as it was hundreds of years ago.

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Spotify should have an automatic "Songs you listen to all the way through regularly" playlist.

I feel like mine never shuffles the songs I actually listen to.



You can get blackout drunk at a party and you're a "social drinker." Have a couple of beers by yourself and people will wonder if you're an alcoholic.

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Think of all the kids being born now who will only have shitty usernames available...

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Everyone get all embarrassed about buying condoms but no-one loses their tits over paper that you rub on your butthole.

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When you die, your email will quickly be overrun by spam. Like wilderness taking back an abandoned city.

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Garbage bag commercials can stop proving the bag won't rip and start showing that the string won't break.

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Playing the bass in music is like your eyebrows. You don't notice it is there, but once it's gone, you're like, what

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What if we live in a simulation and morning fog is just blocking what hasn't loaded yet

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"Gonna" is short for "going to" but only when referring to an action, not a place.

People would say "I'm gonna eat" but never "I'm gonna the store". "I'm going to work" and "I'm gonna work" almost have different meanings because "I'm going to work" is most often said as "I'm going to the place where I work" and "I'm gonna work" would refer to the action of working



Monday, October 16, 2017

Whenever someone in a show or movie shrinks down and goes inside someone else's body, the inside is always lit up for some reason.

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If your life flashes before your eyes before you die, then at the end of the flash it'd have to include that flash as it was still part of your life, so you'll never die, you'll just be endlessly reliving your life flash inside of flash

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"So who's driving?" is going going to be the dad joke of the decade where self driving cars are a thing.

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Whenever a person holds the record for oldest person still currently alive, it is assured they will hold that record the rest of their life.

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Aquaman is pretty underrated considering he protects 70% of the Earth's surface

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A boob is a stress reliever ball that actually works

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We are all just killing time until time kills us.

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One of the weirdest parts of getting into your 30's is thinking back to childhood memories, and realizing that your parents were younger than you are now in most of them.

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If you lease a property and the end of the lease is coming up, you can either release it or release it

English 👍🏻



The speed of light is obnoxiously slow when you attempt to consider the size of The Universe

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Back in the day (1700s for example) you may hear you favorite piece of music only twice during your whole life.

Thanks iPhone for incorrect grammar... *your



People wouldn't stop a microwave with time left on the clock if there was a 'don't beep when finished' option.

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How many women, in the course of being driven to some remote, scenic location for a romantic marriage proposal, have suspected they were about to be murdered and dumped in a lake?

Admittedly, this was not thought of in a shower. I apologize deeply.



Vaping today is like smoking in the early 1900’s. It’s not unhealthy until they prove it’s unhealthy

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If you have 2 choices and one is taken away you now have Zero choices

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50% of escalators are de-escalators

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There should be an app like Tinder, but just for hanging out. No sex, no dating, just movies and broad games and such.

Edit: board* Edit 2: 95% of reply's are the same. Just thought it was funny.



The objective of golf is to play the least amount of golf.

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‘Mercedes’ has three ‘e’s that all have different pronunciations

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You cant realize you've forgotten something until you remember it. Think of how many things you've forgotten and never remembered.

This is what death will be like. Everything forgotten, and never remembered.



Technically speaking, a dad bod is a father figure.

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We say sitting in an office for 8 hours is bad for you but we never mention sitting down at school for 8 hours.

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The luxury of breathing through 2 nostrils is never appreciated until you get sick and one becomes blocked for a few days.

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Sunday, October 15, 2017

Its weird that in a span of 76 years we went from people hating Japan to people collecting katanas and dressing up like anime characters.

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You know you're alone when your sex dreams change into masturbation dreams for plausibility's sake.

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If you see matrix backwards it's about how Keanu Reeves leaves drugs to get a stable job in a company

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Sometimes adults pretend to be more boring than they are so curious kids will leave them alone. Some men never figure out that women do this to them, too.

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18-year-olds are asked to make important decisions about their career and financial future when they had to ask permission to go to the bathroom only a month ago

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Maybe we're one of the last uncontacted civilizations because we're in the galactic equivalent of the Amazon and they don't want to ruin us with their intergalactic ideas and technology.

Please ruin us.



If you’re going to be good at anything, be good at lying because if you’re good at lying, you’re good at everything.

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Politeness can be mistaken for flirting because it's so uncommon.

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When we fart we're just pooping blanks.

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Does anyone else get anxiety when they see people driving on TV and they start looking away from the road to talk to the passenger?

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Depression is like the system app that drains your battery but you can't uninstall

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If two people are on an elevator and one person farts, they both know who did it.

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In 32 years, someone should remake Bladerunner, so people will have to distinguish between "Bladerunner 2049" and "Bladerunner (2049)".

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Babies crying in scenes are not acting.

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Shampoo sounds more like a fake turd than something you'd clean your hair with.

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Saturday, October 14, 2017

Instead of exorcising demons we should waterboard them with holy water

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Having less problems in life makes smaller problems bigger problems to you

Having less problems in life makes smaller problems bigger.



When you finish your food just because you feel bad for throwing it away, you become a substitute trashcan.

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The only web developers that enjoy finding bugs are spiders

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Do crabs think that we walk sideways

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Predicting the end of the world has no benefit. If you are right, you die & nobody will be left to remember you or your discovery. If you are wrong, you are completely discredited for the rest of your life.

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We humans went to the moon before someone thought to put wheels on luggage

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The biggest mistake the raccoon species ever made was not befriending humans before the dogs.

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Why do people say "Tuna Fish" but don't say "beef mammal" or "chicken bird"?

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Two people can never go to each other's funerals

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Porn is the only industry where segregating races, genders and sexual preferences is completely acceptable.

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What if dogs destroy shoes because thats what we put on before leaving?

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Being a nudist must be frustrating when you need to clean your glasses.

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100 years from now, our great great grandkids we’ll probably be able to look us up online and see everything we posted when we were in our teens and 20s.

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The first person to sell bottled water was a genius. The first person to buy that bottle of water was an idiot.

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Friday, October 13, 2017

Robots don't need to kill people to take over the world. They just need to replace everyone's job and then go on strike.

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Having to turn a blanket 90° and 90° again to get the long side was probably the first USB meme.

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Thor's hammer would be the ultimate seat saver. He'd just put it down on his seat and no one could move it except him.

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You should never have to see '100% complete" on a loading screen

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Reading is just staring at a dead tree and imagining things

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People are mad at NFL players for not standing for the National Anthem while they sit on couches eating nachos during the same song.

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"Send Nudes" would make a great tagline for a nudist colony looking to expand

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Asking a retail worker to look in the back for something is basically just inviting them to make fun of you in the stockroom with their coworkers for 27 seconds.

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Considering most kittens are raised in cardboard boxes when they're nursing, it's no wonder cats love getting in them. Like visiting your childhood home.

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Naming babies makes you think of all the people you've disliked

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If a piñata doesn’t break, is it broken?

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"No sex before marriage" was thought of when people would marry as young as 13

I guess it was a pretty sweet deal for them.



Even in Harry Potter, a magical world, they thought Astrology was a joke

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Life could be worse. Milk could have pulp.

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Thursday, October 12, 2017

Cologne that doesn’t smell wouldn’t make sense, scents, or cents.

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The thing about Porsches is if you pronounce it "Porsh" you sound like a douche to Porsche owners, and if you pronounce it "Por-sha" you sound like a douche to everyone else.

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One of the most bittersweet feelings has to be when you realise how much you're going to miss a moment, while you're still living it.

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What if instead of playing dodgeball or climbing ropes, gym class focused on proper body mechanics like good posture, running properly, squating correctly or lifting a box from the ground?

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If being at work on time is important then leaving on time should also be important.

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If dogs could purr they'd never shut up.

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1111 multiplied by 1111 being 1234321 is the mathematical equivalent of white light dispersing through a prism to make a rainbow.

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If there was a picture of every Joe in the world we'd finally be able to see what the average Joe looks like

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Dreams are just brain screen savers

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The three A’s in “Australia” are all pronounced differently.

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'rick and morty' should do an episode about good hygiene and see if fans get obsessed with that

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Snapple should make alcoholic beverages with NSFW facts on the lids.

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If you can't afford to buy a condom, you can't afford not to buy a condom

Credit to some guy on a thread



Without the laugh track, Everybody Loves Raymond is a depressing TV show of family emotional abuse

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Does a straw have one hole, no holes, or two holes?

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Getting pregnant/getting someone pregnant at 18 is like putting the difficulty to hard the moment you leave the tutorial.

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If you live in the city, you're probably within a couple hundred yards of a banana at all times

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Dropping a penny on the ground feels more littering than losing money.

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If spiders made any sort of sound nobody would ever sleep

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When attending a formal event, women with straight hair curl their hair and women with curly hair straighten it.

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Technically it was Moses that had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud

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Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Why do women's pants have fake pockets but baby pants have real pockets?

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"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"

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To the millenials defense, they've had to process way more information than their parents ever did.

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Keys only exist because humans are shit

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Sending an angry text message, making a typo and then sending another one to correct your typo is the text message equivalent of storming out of the house in anger and going back inside because you forgot your keys

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Instead of celebrating the people who poked fun at Harvey Weinstein before he was ruined, we should be shaming the people who knew, but still worked with him

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Tampax named their tampons "Pearl" because they go in clams.

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What if Stephen Hawking is the real slim shady but we'll never know cause he can't stand up?

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If a guy declines and party invite by saying his girlfriend won’t let him go, most likely everyone understands. But if a girl declines an invite and says her boyfriend won’t let her go, people likely get concerned.

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Stop calling them boneless chicken wings. They are chicken nuggets.

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Rick Sanchez would technically hate every single fan of Rick and Morty and consider them mouth breathers if he were real.

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Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Ever thought about the number of pictures/videos taken by strangers in which you appear on the background?

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Life is a sexually-transmitted, terminal disease.

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Today is 10/10. 1010 in binary is 10 in decimal.

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When you are awake your mind is in your body’s world and when you are asleep your body is in your mind’s world.

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What if the white light we see in near death is another hospital room where we are born into a new life.

If you get brought back from death a baby is stillborn. When we come out crying it is because you remember everything that happened during your past life. During the first year of life you forget your past life entirely. However you do get moments where you are doing something you did in your past life and experience deja vu.



What the internet needs more than ever is a sarcasm font

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If you're a decent looking guy/girl or prettier, chances are at least some of the people you're talking to everyday (colleagues, classmates) had thought about you while masterbating

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Confidence is writing the date in pen before checking what the date is.

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If rats ever gain planet-of-the-apes style intelligence, they are going to inherit some amazing medical knowledge for their society.

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When cells divide they are actually multiplying

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To water something is to apply water to it while to milk something is to exctract milk from it

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Everything is a boomerang if you throw it upwards

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There should be a site that pairs old people with extra living space and young people in need of roof so they can help each other out.

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No one really cares about Chris Colombus - we just don't want to lose a paid day off (or additional Holiday pay). And it's okay to admit that.

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If you drive too fast past a park/school, you are an asshole; if you drive too slowly, you are a creep.

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Imagine how out of hand things would get if we didn't get hungover.

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Since most pop music has the lyrics and music written by someone else, most pop stars are just karaoke stars.

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Return of the Jedi’s title doesn’t have anything to do with Luke Skywalker, but Darth Vader’s transition back to the light side

Edit: Ok I get it, the original title was supposed to be Revenge of the Jedi, but it’s still a very interesting perspective to view the movie from



The year 2021 will have a lot of "hindsight is 2020" jokes.

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Monday, October 9, 2017

If you take a map of the world, and lay it on the ground, there's a point on the map that is the point where the map is lying.

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Hotmail.com sounds oddly like a dating site

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While looking someone in the eye during a conversation, does anyone else sometimes become hyper aware that you're just looking at a blob of ocular tissue?

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Some think that people were more ethical in the old days. They weren't; the difference was they just made an effort to keep up appearances.

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Maybe the reason moms are so good at finding stuff, is because they are always moving it.

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Our reality is getting worse but our vritual reality is getting better

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Trash cans have foot pedals to open them. We should make one for toilet seats.

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"Send nudes, not nukes" is the "make love, not war" of this century

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The CIA should use Comic Sans as their font in official top secret documents. That way, if they're ever leaked, they look fake.

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There’s nothing more obnoxious than a stupid person with confidence.

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Pandora should have a “love this song but hate this artist” button

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If Rick & Morty fans were as smart as they think they are, they would have figured out how to make their own Szechuan sauce rather than falling for a silly marketing ploy

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Are parrots just really bad at keeping the secret that all animals talk?

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They really blew it when they named it the Hawaiian pizza instead of the Swineapple.

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You should be allowed to sell your information to the NSA so you can get the money since Apple and Google are going to sell it to them anyway.

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Maybe the reason fewer women are convicted of murder than men is because we know how to get blood stains out of everything

..because periods, duh



Sunday, October 8, 2017

Family guy is 90% Seth Macfarlane talking to himself.

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All gender identity problems relating to the bathroom could be alleviated by changing the titles from men and women to standers and sitters.

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The reason cyclists are so despised is that they want to be treated like both a pedestrian and a vehicle simultaneously.

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Going to sparknotes for Farenheit 451 is the most ironic thing you can do in Literature class.

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Putting a key under your mat is the real world equivalent to setting your password to 'password'

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Its 2017 why has no body invented a TV with a button on the back that when you push it the remote beeps making it easier to find

No I can't find my TV remote KAREN



“Don’t drink seawater, fish pee in it” is the equivalent of “Don’t breathe air, humans fart in it”

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Owning a dog has made realize that commercials with ringing doorbells or people knocking on the door should be banned

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According to physics, the fatter you are the more attractive you are

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A birth certificate is pretty much just a receipt for babies....

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Rick and Morty fans who think they're Rick are actually the exact people Rick would hate.

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There should be a comprehension quiz at the end of online articles that you have to pass before being able to comment on it.

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Green is no, yellow is wait, red is go. Tomatoes work the opposite than street lights.

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Someday space scenes in movies will actually be shot in space

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