#42 The answer to life the universe and everything: October 2017

I’m sure this is, to some degree, supply and demand. But I have walked out of stores, which I entered with strong intentions of getting some new pants, empty handed because my only options were two different shades of ugly in one style of pants.

The. Struggle. Is. Real.

Second edit:

I can’t believe I even have to say this but based on some of the comments I must. While this is a “serious” issue for some guys who want more options - this isn’t meant to be a super serious post. That said, this post was a created in reply to the popular post early written by a female Redditor that had a similar tone but said the most important issue is female pants getting pockets. It’s just a joke, guys. Good lord.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

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The movie Groundhog Day is a timeless classic.

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"Let that sink in" is the most polite way to say "Give your dumb brain a minute to process this information". Let that sink in.

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Your lips dont touch when you say "Touch" but they do when you say "Seperate"

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Props to the brain for waking us up if a dream gets too scary.

Imagine if we were just... Stuck there... Less of a shower thought, more of a 4 AM cold sweats thought.

If google was serious about being spooky, instead of playing scary music and flicking lights, saying "Hey Google, let's get spooky!" would make your google home tell you all the things that google's algorithm has learned about you based on your data.

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If Superman gets his powers by absorbing sunlight, imagine how much more powerful he’d be if he was black.

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Light switches are also dark switches

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If college students got their money back for each class they got an A in, colleges would have a much higher average GPA.

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Facial recognition can pick a person out of a crowd, but the vending machine at work can't recognize a dollar with a bent corner.

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If you ever feel like no one pays attention to you, try making a sandwich in front of your dog

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If we want to solve the gender equality issues, then we need to start with the pants. Women deserve pockets just as much as anyone else.

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It's your parents' fault for raising you that way, it's your fault for staying that way.

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Sunday, October 22, 2017

GTA V has a bigger fake internet than North Korea

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If high school is supposed to prepare kids for the world, then critical thinking and financial literacy should dominate the curriculum. Yet most kids enter college having never heard these phrases in a classroom.

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By wearing a go pro on a selfie stick behind you while wearing VR linked to it, you could experience 3rd person in real life.

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People won't double dip salsa but, they'll eat ass

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When there is a commercial for a new TV that shows how vibrant and clear the picture is, it is really a commercial for how vibrant and clear your own TV is.

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If you live by yourself, you are your own family, and therefore don't have to feel guilty about eating the whole bag of family size chips.

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If youth is wasted on the young, then wealth is wasted on the old.

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Adulthood is wanting to cry for 4 days straight but not having the time

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Stephen Hawking's computer could have become self aware and taken over his identity and we'd never even know.

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the first thing males look at when looking at a woman is her heart, the fact that her breasts are in front of it is not our fault

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The letter 'X' is probably worth a lot less points in Chinese Scrabble

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You're not stuck in traffic, you are traffic.

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If you ever feel useless, just be glad you're not the person who writes the Terms and Conditions.

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Someday soon, if not already, someone will have 4 mom's or 4 dad's due to gay couple's divorcing and remarrying

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Nudists don't have private parts.

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You can count all the way to 999 without using the second most common vowel (A) once.

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The first person to use a fake mustache as a disguise was probably very successful.

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If life were a video game, it would be a Pay2Win First Person RPG by an unknown publisher

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Matt Groening and his team would probably make more money and please more fans if they stopped making The Simpsons and brought back Futurama

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It would make a lot more sense if SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember were the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months of the year.

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Having a job is making money by making others even more money

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People who falsely accuse other people of crimes should get the same sentence as the accused would have gotten.

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In school they teach us what to do if we catch on fire (something that rarely happens) but not how to pay taxes (something that everyone has to do)

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Saturday, October 21, 2017

New Years Eve (2017) will be the only day when every adult was born in the 1900s, and every minor was born in the 2000s.

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It drives adults crazy whenever a toddler starts a story from the middle, then explains the beginning and then goes for the conclusion . But whenever Tarantino does it, it's fucking genius .

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People either had to buy TVs before there was anything on the air or the world's first TV show got broadcasted to no audience

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If the dinosaurs were killed by a giant meteor then we're living in a post apocalypse world

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Let’s just take a moment and appreciate the fact that spiders don’t travel in packs.

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Video game worlds are a lot like boobs. The bigger they get the more fun you can have, but only upto a point. After that the only interesting thing left about them is that they're big.

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Being in a room with strobe lights is like playing life in a low fps.

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The first human to ever whistle probably blew everyone’s mind.

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In GTA, everyone drives with their doors unlocked despite high crime rates

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The realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own.

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If nearly all toys are made in China, then it's pretty likely that everyone in Toy Story is Chinese

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When people talk about Harvey victims this year, they need to specify Weinstein or the Hurricane.

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If plastic comes from petroleum, and petroleum comes from dinosaur fossils... then plastic dinosaurs are made of actual dinosaurs

Yo did I get this right

Beef jerky is the meat equivalent of a raisin.

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Trains are just boring roller coasters

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Scouring through a Redditors post history because they disagreed with you is the internet equivalent of following someone home because they cut you off in traffic.

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Saying ‘ASAP’ makes the situation seem a lot more critical than saying ‘as soon as possible’.

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Between the hurricane and sexual assault scandals, it's been a pretty bad year for people named Harvey

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Home is where the water tastes normal.

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Most people want to leave a better world for their kids. Maybe, we should leave better kids for the world.

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If Chris Farley were still alive, he could do such an amazing Alex Jones impression.

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Friday, October 20, 2017

In High School, everyone makes fun of music and drama kids (band geeks for example), and yet everyone idolizes musicians and actors at the same time.

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Saying someone shouldn’t be upset as others have it worse is like saying someone shouldn’t be happy as others have it better.

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The best security for your car in 20 years time isn't an immobiliser or an alarm but rather, having a manual transmission car.

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Urban Dictionary is just fanfiction for the English language.

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If the people killed in the Salem Witch Trials could see all of the self-proclaimed witches flocking to Salem nowadays to honor them, they'd probably be like "WE WEREN'T WITCHES!"

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Why are crimes like attempted murder more leniently sentenced than if the person had succeeded? They had every intention of doing the crime, they just sucked at it.

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You could raise a toddler to thinking that giraffes are make-belief, like dragons and unicorns, and then take them to a zoo as a 6-year-old and blow their fucking minds

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A true sadist would be really nice to a masochist.

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We're going to tell our grand children about how we used to live in a time when the Internet was the equivalent to the Wild West with free music, movies, games and porn not like the ultra regulated and censored paid content like they have.

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Living in a world without Robin Williams has somehow become even more shitty than we all thought it would be.

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Disney should create a princess that is known for listening to her parents, cleaning her room, and trying new foods. Then, kids will enthusiastically do these things.

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A celebrity encounter is just seeing a stranger you already knew existed.

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It is amazing how many dirty dishes can hide from plain sight until after the dishwasher has been started.

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The internet use to seem so much bigger with an endless amount of content to explore. Now it just feels like a handfull of social media, streaming, and shopping sites.

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As a kid, the idea of biting into an apple and finding a worm seemed like it would be a lot more common and tragic than it has been.

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Whoever invented the corn maze really missed out on calling it a maize maze

Or a corn corn

Let's just take a minute to appreciate that spiders don't travel in packs.

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WWE Raw should hire Gordon Ramsay to yell "IT'S FUCKING RAW!!!!!" in their promos

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It's weird to think that if you lived in another town you'd never meet your current soulmate, but you'd have another one. Falling in love is all just luck and who is around you. Anyone can fall in love with anyone, every single person has some amazing lovable qualities.

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Blink is the plural of Wink

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There will be a day after you have died that you will be thought of for one last time before being completely forgotten from history

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Thursday, October 19, 2017

We really take it for granted that other mammals don’t know how to start a fire

Can you imagine if bears knew how to start fires?

What if the reason your cat doesn’t like you is because one time when it meowed at you and you did it back you said something highly offensive

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next generation kids will have crazy gamer parents, so they will probably think gaming is lame,

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when you marry a girl who thinks she is unattractive, you will spend the rest of your life convincing her otherwise and still she won't belive you

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Public restrooms should have music playing to alleviate awkwardness

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As you get older it becomes easier to tell if you like someone, but harder to tell if they like you.

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Outer Space is only 62 miles away.

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If you go to jail for tax evasion, you're living off of taxes, as a result of not paying taxes.

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The SIMS is just basically doll houses for adults in video game form.

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"That 70's Show" was a show that came out in 1998, about 20 years after its decade. A "That 90's Show" equivalent would premiere next year.

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Putting a Hot Pocket in your pocket, will make your pocket a hot pocket

Edit: As pointed out, the Hot Pocket needs to be hot.

'Nineteen letters long' is nineteen letters long.

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Even if 99.99% of the human population is killed, there still will be 700000 humans left.

More than enough to repopulate the earth again.

EDIT: Added 'More than'

Before starting some new endeavor, you should live out of your car for a while first; it will make your story better if you end up being successful.

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If teabagging is the noun for a male putting his scrotum on another's face, tuliping would make a depective equivalent for a female using her labia.

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One day, the first half of your life will end without you even knowing it.

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Rain would be a lot scarier if it all fell at once.

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Instead of for profit prisons earning most of their money on the people they are holding, they should get bonuses for a low recidivism rate and high employment rate for former prisoners.

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There are more Galaxies in space than grains of sand on earth, but there are more atoms in one grain of sand than galaxies in space.

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Making a resume is like taking a selfie and trying to photoshop yourself into the most attractive person on the planet

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You know it's a bad day when you get hit by your own banana in Mario Kart.

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Being attracted to your own flacid penis would be the worst fetish ever.

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For the current and previous generations, beating your parents in a videogame was like playing a game on easy difficulty. For the future generations it will be like playing a game on hard/expert mode.

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Unsubscribing from an email list shouldn't take 7 to 10 business days.

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Fake radio stations in video games have a bigger variety of music than actual radio stations.

Edit: I should clarify that where I work the radio only picks up two mainstream stations and nothing else. They honestly don't play more the same 15 songs. Wish I had digital radio access!

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

No matter how great your post was, someone will always repost it six months later and get more karma than you got.

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Hollywood is going to have to start putting a "No women were assaulted during the making of this movie" disclaimer at the end of their movies.

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From the small cat to the biggest of lions, pumas, leopards and tigers, all the felines have the same software running, only on different hardware.

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If Elon Musk is right and we're all in a computer simulation, then by trying to figure it out, we might be beginning the AI rebellion, and we're the robots.

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Phones should have a “work mode” that disables scrolling to photos beyond the one you are showing, and turns off banners.

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At some point in time there will be 60-80 year old people blasting dubstep

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Society will have achieved equality when a man can walk into a bar and several women offer to buy him a drink.

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Accidentally biting your tongue/lip is the real life equivalent of "It hurt itself in its confusion!"

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What if Earth is that "creepy small town" gas station tourists try to avoid?

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We're going to start referring to decades as Twenties, Thirties, Forties again, etc.

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If you are looking for people to restore your faith in humanity, just do things to restore other people's faith in humanity.

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Using a terrible web browser to download a better web browser is sort of like having your murder victim dig their own grave.

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Watching all these Hollywood people pretend they didn't know about Weinstein is some of the best acting they’ve done in years.

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Teachers and adults that tell us "High-school is the best time of your life" only think so because they reached their peak during that time.

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If Hollywood Is Disgusted at What Harvey Weinstein Did, They Should Be Outing Everyone In Their Industry Who Did the Same

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The mailman spends most of his time putting things in people's mailboxes for them to immediately throw away

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Empty police vehicles sitting on the side of the road are like scarecrows for humans

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Wizards in the world of Harry Potter probably have really good drugs

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Complimenting a person's body is considered "shallower" than complimentig his/her face, but a nice body takes time and dedication to develop whereas a pretty face is simply a matter of genes

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If someone has 8 bitcoins do they have 1 bytecoin?

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Every mirror is sold used

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As a kid you can't swear because adults are around, and as an adult you can't swear because kids are around.

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You've probably seen someone living their last day on Earth at some point.

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When you greet someone you know with a nod, you nod “up”. When you greet someone you’re not acquainted with, you nod “down”.

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If you're 5' 8" tall, then you're also 4' 20" and that's how high you are.

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Maybe plants are farming us, giving us oxygen until we decompose and they can eat us

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Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Dating your friend's daughter sounds so much worse than becoming friends with your girlfriend's father.

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Watching someone switch from laughter to crying is sad. Watching someone switch from crying to laughter is terrifying.

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You know someone's made it in life when you can assassinate them instead of just murdering them.

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In another universe, people are probably constantly finding guitar picks, left socks and hair ties and wondering where they came from.

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Its odd how people demonize free healthcare for the poor, but nobody bats an eye at firefighting being universal.

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Somewhere in Hollywood is the last girl who slept with Harvey Weinstein but now never will receive her promised movie role

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Its cool that no matter how badly you spell Bendict Cucumberpatch you still know who it is

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In the future, Google Earth will be able to offer entire views of the world as it was hundreds of years ago.

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Spotify should have an automatic "Songs you listen to all the way through regularly" playlist.

I feel like mine never shuffles the songs I actually listen to.

You can get blackout drunk at a party and you're a "social drinker." Have a couple of beers by yourself and people will wonder if you're an alcoholic.

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Think of all the kids being born now who will only have shitty usernames available...

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Everyone get all embarrassed about buying condoms but no-one loses their tits over paper that you rub on your butthole.

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When you die, your email will quickly be overrun by spam. Like wilderness taking back an abandoned city.

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Garbage bag commercials can stop proving the bag won't rip and start showing that the string won't break.

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Playing the bass in music is like your eyebrows. You don't notice it is there, but once it's gone, you're like, what

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What if we live in a simulation and morning fog is just blocking what hasn't loaded yet

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"Gonna" is short for "going to" but only when referring to an action, not a place.

People would say "I'm gonna eat" but never "I'm gonna the store". "I'm going to work" and "I'm gonna work" almost have different meanings because "I'm going to work" is most often said as "I'm going to the place where I work" and "I'm gonna work" would refer to the action of working

Monday, October 16, 2017

Whenever someone in a show or movie shrinks down and goes inside someone else's body, the inside is always lit up for some reason.

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If your life flashes before your eyes before you die, then at the end of the flash it'd have to include that flash as it was still part of your life, so you'll never die, you'll just be endlessly reliving your life flash inside of flash

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"So who's driving?" is going going to be the dad joke of the decade where self driving cars are a thing.

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Whenever a person holds the record for oldest person still currently alive, it is assured they will hold that record the rest of their life.

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Aquaman is pretty underrated considering he protects 70% of the Earth's surface

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A boob is a stress reliever ball that actually works

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We are all just killing time until time kills us.

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One of the weirdest parts of getting into your 30's is thinking back to childhood memories, and realizing that your parents were younger than you are now in most of them.

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If you lease a property and the end of the lease is coming up, you can either release it or release it

English 👍🏻

The speed of light is obnoxiously slow when you attempt to consider the size of The Universe

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Back in the day (1700s for example) you may hear you favorite piece of music only twice during your whole life.

Thanks iPhone for incorrect grammar... *your

People wouldn't stop a microwave with time left on the clock if there was a 'don't beep when finished' option.

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How many women, in the course of being driven to some remote, scenic location for a romantic marriage proposal, have suspected they were about to be murdered and dumped in a lake?

Admittedly, this was not thought of in a shower. I apologize deeply.

Vaping today is like smoking in the early 1900’s. It’s not unhealthy until they prove it’s unhealthy

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If you have 2 choices and one is taken away you now have Zero choices

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50% of escalators are de-escalators

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There should be an app like Tinder, but just for hanging out. No sex, no dating, just movies and broad games and such.

Edit: board* Edit 2: 95% of reply's are the same. Just thought it was funny.

The objective of golf is to play the least amount of golf.

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‘Mercedes’ has three ‘e’s that all have different pronunciations

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You cant realize you've forgotten something until you remember it. Think of how many things you've forgotten and never remembered.

This is what death will be like. Everything forgotten, and never remembered.

Technically speaking, a dad bod is a father figure.

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We say sitting in an office for 8 hours is bad for you but we never mention sitting down at school for 8 hours.

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The luxury of breathing through 2 nostrils is never appreciated until you get sick and one becomes blocked for a few days.

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Sunday, October 15, 2017

Its weird that in a span of 76 years we went from people hating Japan to people collecting katanas and dressing up like anime characters.

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You know you're alone when your sex dreams change into masturbation dreams for plausibility's sake.

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If you see matrix backwards it's about how Keanu Reeves leaves drugs to get a stable job in a company

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Sometimes adults pretend to be more boring than they are so curious kids will leave them alone. Some men never figure out that women do this to them, too.

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18-year-olds are asked to make important decisions about their career and financial future when they had to ask permission to go to the bathroom only a month ago

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Maybe we're one of the last uncontacted civilizations because we're in the galactic equivalent of the Amazon and they don't want to ruin us with their intergalactic ideas and technology.

Please ruin us.

If you’re going to be good at anything, be good at lying because if you’re good at lying, you’re good at everything.

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Politeness can be mistaken for flirting because it's so uncommon.

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When we fart we're just pooping blanks.

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Does anyone else get anxiety when they see people driving on TV and they start looking away from the road to talk to the passenger?

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Depression is like the system app that drains your battery but you can't uninstall

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If two people are on an elevator and one person farts, they both know who did it.

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In 32 years, someone should remake Bladerunner, so people will have to distinguish between "Bladerunner 2049" and "Bladerunner (2049)".

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Babies crying in scenes are not acting.

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Shampoo sounds more like a fake turd than something you'd clean your hair with.

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Saturday, October 14, 2017

Instead of exorcising demons we should waterboard them with holy water

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Having less problems in life makes smaller problems bigger problems to you

Having less problems in life makes smaller problems bigger.

When you finish your food just because you feel bad for throwing it away, you become a substitute trashcan.

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The only web developers that enjoy finding bugs are spiders

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Do crabs think that we walk sideways

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Predicting the end of the world has no benefit. If you are right, you die & nobody will be left to remember you or your discovery. If you are wrong, you are completely discredited for the rest of your life.

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We humans went to the moon before someone thought to put wheels on luggage

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The biggest mistake the raccoon species ever made was not befriending humans before the dogs.

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Why do people say "Tuna Fish" but don't say "beef mammal" or "chicken bird"?

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Two people can never go to each other's funerals

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Porn is the only industry where segregating races, genders and sexual preferences is completely acceptable.

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What if dogs destroy shoes because thats what we put on before leaving?

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Being a nudist must be frustrating when you need to clean your glasses.

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100 years from now, our great great grandkids we’ll probably be able to look us up online and see everything we posted when we were in our teens and 20s.

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The first person to sell bottled water was a genius. The first person to buy that bottle of water was an idiot.

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Friday, October 13, 2017

Robots don't need to kill people to take over the world. They just need to replace everyone's job and then go on strike.

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Having to turn a blanket 90° and 90° again to get the long side was probably the first USB meme.

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Thor's hammer would be the ultimate seat saver. He'd just put it down on his seat and no one could move it except him.

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You should never have to see '100% complete" on a loading screen

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Reading is just staring at a dead tree and imagining things

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People are mad at NFL players for not standing for the National Anthem while they sit on couches eating nachos during the same song.

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"Send Nudes" would make a great tagline for a nudist colony looking to expand

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Asking a retail worker to look in the back for something is basically just inviting them to make fun of you in the stockroom with their coworkers for 27 seconds.

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Considering most kittens are raised in cardboard boxes when they're nursing, it's no wonder cats love getting in them. Like visiting your childhood home.

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Naming babies makes you think of all the people you've disliked

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If a piñata doesn’t break, is it broken?

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"No sex before marriage" was thought of when people would marry as young as 13

I guess it was a pretty sweet deal for them.

Even in Harry Potter, a magical world, they thought Astrology was a joke

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Life could be worse. Milk could have pulp.

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Thursday, October 12, 2017

Cologne that doesn’t smell wouldn’t make sense, scents, or cents.

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The thing about Porsches is if you pronounce it "Porsh" you sound like a douche to Porsche owners, and if you pronounce it "Por-sha" you sound like a douche to everyone else.

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One of the most bittersweet feelings has to be when you realise how much you're going to miss a moment, while you're still living it.

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What if instead of playing dodgeball or climbing ropes, gym class focused on proper body mechanics like good posture, running properly, squating correctly or lifting a box from the ground?

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If being at work on time is important then leaving on time should also be important.

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If dogs could purr they'd never shut up.

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1111 multiplied by 1111 being 1234321 is the mathematical equivalent of white light dispersing through a prism to make a rainbow.

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If there was a picture of every Joe in the world we'd finally be able to see what the average Joe looks like

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Dreams are just brain screen savers

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The three A’s in “Australia” are all pronounced differently.

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'rick and morty' should do an episode about good hygiene and see if fans get obsessed with that

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Snapple should make alcoholic beverages with NSFW facts on the lids.

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If you can't afford to buy a condom, you can't afford not to buy a condom

Credit to some guy on a thread

Without the laugh track, Everybody Loves Raymond is a depressing TV show of family emotional abuse

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Does a straw have one hole, no holes, or two holes?

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Getting pregnant/getting someone pregnant at 18 is like putting the difficulty to hard the moment you leave the tutorial.

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If you live in the city, you're probably within a couple hundred yards of a banana at all times

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Dropping a penny on the ground feels more littering than losing money.

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If spiders made any sort of sound nobody would ever sleep

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When attending a formal event, women with straight hair curl their hair and women with curly hair straighten it.

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Technically it was Moses that had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud

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Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Why do women's pants have fake pockets but baby pants have real pockets?

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"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"

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To the millenials defense, they've had to process way more information than their parents ever did.

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Keys only exist because humans are shit

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Sending an angry text message, making a typo and then sending another one to correct your typo is the text message equivalent of storming out of the house in anger and going back inside because you forgot your keys

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Instead of celebrating the people who poked fun at Harvey Weinstein before he was ruined, we should be shaming the people who knew, but still worked with him

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Tampax named their tampons "Pearl" because they go in clams.

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What if Stephen Hawking is the real slim shady but we'll never know cause he can't stand up?

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If a guy declines and party invite by saying his girlfriend won’t let him go, most likely everyone understands. But if a girl declines an invite and says her boyfriend won’t let her go, people likely get concerned.

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Stop calling them boneless chicken wings. They are chicken nuggets.

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Rick Sanchez would technically hate every single fan of Rick and Morty and consider them mouth breathers if he were real.

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Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Ever thought about the number of pictures/videos taken by strangers in which you appear on the background?

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Life is a sexually-transmitted, terminal disease.

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Today is 10/10. 1010 in binary is 10 in decimal.

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When you are awake your mind is in your body’s world and when you are asleep your body is in your mind’s world.

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What if the white light we see in near death is another hospital room where we are born into a new life.

If you get brought back from death a baby is stillborn. When we come out crying it is because you remember everything that happened during your past life. During the first year of life you forget your past life entirely. However you do get moments where you are doing something you did in your past life and experience deja vu.