Tuesday, October 31, 2017
The best day to escape prison would be on Halloween.
It’s faster to say “World Wide Web” rather than “WWW”
Batteries and bras have basically the same sizing.
Credit to my dad, who was changing his torch batteries when coming to this amazing realisation.
Peanut butter could have just as easily been named nut cream
What if our phobias are what killed us in our past lives?
Given the large amount of insects on the planet, it would certainly explain why arachnophobia is so common.
Sacrificing virgins was just a way to get women to put out.
Bob Ross' show is about watching paint dry.
Ginger Ale is just a more specific Root Beer
Monday, October 30, 2017
Grilled cheese with tomato soup is just another form of pizza
Gary Oldman is younger than Gary Newman
'Hairs' is less hair than 'hair'
What if the light we see when we die is the light of a room in the same hospital where we're being born as someone else?
So babies cry because they just died
If you add guac to a BLT, then it would become an LGBT.
Some animals probably need glasses.
"Cool" and "hot" are synonyms and antonyms
A baby is cooked at 37 degrees Celsius for 9 months.
Sunday, October 29, 2017
A pet store is a small zoo with free admission.
Saying "um" is the human equivalent to buffering.
A fingerprint sensor on your phone is a one-digit password.
Claps never stop. The space between them just gets longer.
Technically all national anthems are country music.
Saturday, October 28, 2017
If your front door has a mail slot, you live in a mailbox
If you want to ruin any hobby, turn it into your job
News websites have more pop ups and click bait than porn sites.
Cannibals are at the very top of the food chain.
Friday, October 27, 2017
If we didn’t have taste buds we’d be so much more healthy.
Joggers that wear neon can run but they can’t hide
If you pour root beer into a square cup you get regular beer
They don't know it yet, but today somebody somewhere met the person they will fall in love with, marry, and spend the rest of their life with
It makes me happy to think about, even though I am lonely and single :)
Employer: Forget everything you’ve learned in university, you won’t need it for this job.
Applicant: Oh I don’t worry, I didn’t go to university.
Employer: In that case I’m afraid you’re not qualified to work here.
If a Pinata doesn't break, is it broken?
Thursday, October 26, 2017
Dumb people are the first to tell you how smart they are
The longer you stay at home, the more homeless you look.
Fart when people hug you. You’ll make them feel strong.
TL:DR's really should be at the top of the post.
Wednesday, October 25, 2017
Don't judge a book by its movie.
You can go without food or water for the rest of your life.
Mummies are just rich zombies.
As a kid, we were told not to swallow gum because it takes 7 years to break down in a body. What should have been mentioned far more often is that unfavorable data on a credit report takes 7 years to remove, which is way more important and relevant.
Tuesday, October 24, 2017
Stan Lee's funeral will look like the biggest Comic Con ever.
Some amount of time after famous people die, their wikipedia picture changes from a recent one to one of them in their prime
Anyone know how immediately this happens?
The average person has one testicle
Ketchup makes bad food better but good food worse
All male bathroom should have an odd number of urinals
Weathermen must have very passionate small talk in the office.
Dear apples autocorrect system, no one uses "ducking"
Hot water heaters are actually cold water heaters.
Early humans gave wolves food and shelter in return for protection and help hunting and nowadays we give dogs food and shelter in return for being in memes and stuff.
I suppose there's the companionship as well, but let's be real, the memes are the sweetest part of the deal.
Monday, October 23, 2017
If we want to solve the gender equality issues, then we need to start with the fact that most clothing retailer’s women’s section is two to three time larger than the men’s section. Men deserve more choices too.
ITT: Men uncomfortable with other men who pay attention to fashion and women who want pockets.
Edit:
I’m sure this is, to some degree, supply and demand. But I have walked out of stores, which I entered with strong intentions of getting some new pants, empty handed because my only options were two different shades of ugly in one style of pants.
The. Struggle. Is. Real.
Second edit:
I can’t believe I even have to say this but based on some of the comments I must. While this is a “serious” issue for some guys who want more options - this isn’t meant to be a super serious post. That said, this post was a created in reply to the popular post early written by a female Redditor that had a similar tone but said the most important issue is female pants getting pockets. It’s just a joke, guys. Good lord.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
The movie Groundhog Day is a timeless classic.
Props to the brain for waking us up if a dream gets too scary.
Imagine if we were just... Stuck there... Less of a shower thought, more of a 4 AM cold sweats thought.
If google was serious about being spooky, instead of playing scary music and flicking lights, saying "Hey Google, let's get spooky!" would make your google home tell you all the things that google's algorithm has learned about you based on your data.
Light switches are also dark switches
Sunday, October 22, 2017
GTA V has a bigger fake internet than North Korea
People won't double dip salsa but, they'll eat ass
You're not stuck in traffic, you are traffic.
Nudists don't have private parts.
Having a job is making money by making others even more money
Saturday, October 21, 2017
The first human to ever whistle probably blew everyone’s mind.
Beef jerky is the meat equivalent of a raisin.
Trains are just boring roller coasters
Home is where the water tastes normal.
Friday, October 20, 2017
Urban Dictionary is just fanfiction for the English language.
A true sadist would be really nice to a masochist.
We're going to tell our grand children about how we used to live in a time when the Internet was the equivalent to the Wild West with free music, movies, games and porn not like the ultra regulated and censored paid content like they have.
It's weird to think that if you lived in another town you'd never meet your current soulmate, but you'd have another one. Falling in love is all just luck and who is around you. Anyone can fall in love with anyone, every single person has some amazing lovable qualities.
Thursday, October 19, 2017
We really take it for granted that other mammals don’t know how to start a fire
Can you imagine if bears knew how to start fires?
Outer Space is only 62 miles away.
Putting a Hot Pocket in your pocket, will make your pocket a hot pocket
Edit: As pointed out, the Hot Pocket needs to be hot.
'Nineteen letters long' is nineteen letters long.
Even if 99.99% of the human population is killed, there still will be 700000 humans left.
More than enough to repopulate the earth again.
EDIT: Added 'More than'
Rain would be a lot scarier if it all fell at once.
Fake radio stations in video games have a bigger variety of music than actual radio stations.
Edit: I should clarify that where I work the radio only picks up two mainstream stations and nothing else. They honestly don't play more the same 15 songs. Wish I had digital radio access!
Wednesday, October 18, 2017
If someone has 8 bitcoins do they have 1 bytecoin?
Tuesday, October 17, 2017
Spotify should have an automatic "Songs you listen to all the way through regularly" playlist.
I feel like mine never shuffles the songs I actually listen to.
"Gonna" is short for "going to" but only when referring to an action, not a place.
People would say "I'm gonna eat" but never "I'm gonna the store". "I'm going to work" and "I'm gonna work" almost have different meanings because "I'm going to work" is most often said as "I'm going to the place where I work" and "I'm gonna work" would refer to the action of working
Monday, October 16, 2017
If your life flashes before your eyes before you die, then at the end of the flash it'd have to include that flash as it was still part of your life, so you'll never die, you'll just be endlessly reliving your life flash inside of flash
A boob is a stress reliever ball that actually works
We are all just killing time until time kills us.
Back in the day (1700s for example) you may hear you favorite piece of music only twice during your whole life.
Thanks iPhone for incorrect grammar... *your
How many women, in the course of being driven to some remote, scenic location for a romantic marriage proposal, have suspected they were about to be murdered and dumped in a lake?
Admittedly, this was not thought of in a shower. I apologize deeply.
50% of escalators are de-escalators
There should be an app like Tinder, but just for hanging out. No sex, no dating, just movies and broad games and such.
Edit: board* Edit 2: 95% of reply's are the same. Just thought it was funny.
The objective of golf is to play the least amount of golf.
‘Mercedes’ has three ‘e’s that all have different pronunciations
You cant realize you've forgotten something until you remember it. Think of how many things you've forgotten and never remembered.
This is what death will be like. Everything forgotten, and never remembered.
Technically speaking, a dad bod is a father figure.
Sunday, October 15, 2017
When we fart we're just pooping blanks.
Babies crying in scenes are not acting.
Saturday, October 14, 2017
Having less problems in life makes smaller problems bigger problems to you
Having less problems in life makes smaller problems bigger.
The only web developers that enjoy finding bugs are spiders
Do crabs think that we walk sideways
Two people can never go to each other's funerals
Friday, October 13, 2017
Reading is just staring at a dead tree and imagining things
Naming babies makes you think of all the people you've disliked
If a piñata doesn’t break, is it broken?
"No sex before marriage" was thought of when people would marry as young as 13
I guess it was a pretty sweet deal for them.
Life could be worse. Milk could have pulp.
Thursday, October 12, 2017
If dogs could purr they'd never shut up.
Dreams are just brain screen savers
The three A’s in “Australia” are all pronounced differently.
If you can't afford to buy a condom, you can't afford not to buy a condom
Credit to some guy on a thread
Does a straw have one hole, no holes, or two holes?
If spiders made any sort of sound nobody would ever sleep
Wednesday, October 11, 2017
"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
Keys only exist because humans are shit
Tampax named their tampons "Pearl" because they go in clams.
Tuesday, October 10, 2017
Life is a sexually-transmitted, terminal disease.
Today is 10/10. 1010 in binary is 10 in decimal.
What if the white light we see in near death is another hospital room where we are born into a new life.
If you get brought back from death a baby is stillborn. When we come out crying it is because you remember everything that happened during your past life. During the first year of life you forget your past life entirely. However you do get moments where you are doing something you did in your past life and experience deja vu.
What the internet needs more than ever is a sarcasm font
When cells divide they are actually multiplying
Everything is a boomerang if you throw it upwards
Return of the Jedi’s title doesn’t have anything to do with Luke Skywalker, but Darth Vader’s transition back to the light side
Edit: Ok I get it, the original title was supposed to be Revenge of the Jedi, but it’s still a very interesting perspective to view the movie from
The year 2021 will have a lot of "hindsight is 2020" jokes.
Monday, October 9, 2017
Hotmail.com sounds oddly like a dating site
Sunday, October 8, 2017
Family guy is 90% Seth Macfarlane talking to himself.
Its 2017 why has no body invented a TV with a button on the back that when you push it the remote beeps making it easier to find
No I can't find my TV remote KAREN