Sunday, July 31, 2016
I'm 27 years old and Blink 182's "take off your pants and jacket" album pun finally landed with me.
I thought of this in the shower so I don't think I broke any rules.
If Germany is the Fatherland and Russia is the Motherland then the eastern front of WWII was the bloodiest divorce in history.
And Poland is the mentally scarred child
Most news channels start the day saying "Good morning" but spend the rest of the day proving that wrong.
Everything on the news is so depressing nowadays, so is it really a good morning Mr. reporter... Is it?
Your age is your lap count around the sun.
Strict parents raise the best liars.
just sayin'
An army of dogs would counter an army of skeletons
The phrase "excuse me" is rather demanding.
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
Saturday, July 30, 2016
If I could teleport I would get so fat.
The healthiest I treat my body is when I'm already ill
"Dream job" is an oxymoron. My dream is to not need a job.
I wonder how many strangers I've walked by more than once.
I wonder how many people, unknowingly, just ate their last meal.
Friday, July 29, 2016
It's not premarital sex if you never get married
In my experience attending Catholic school drastically reduces your chances of being Catholic as an adult
I attended Catholic school 14 years (preschool-12) in a city with an overwhelming amount of Catholic schools, most of which are still segregated by gender, and can probably count the number of people I graduated with at my school or anyone I know who are practicing Catholics on one hand.
Someone should develop a browser app that very gradually starts changing words so you can begin to learn a language.
Obviously begin being the key word, this would be a great way to start slowly and almost inadvertently.
My son's enthusiasm for Kylo Ren creeps me out as a father.
Have medicine makers ever tasted fruit?
Buying a wallet is like trading your books for a shelf.
The words "similar" and "same" are similar, but not the same.
Every bullet that has been fired has missed me.
Thursday, July 28, 2016
Gotye is now someone that we used to know.
A lot of people probably had "This is going to hurt" as their last thought
This is more a almost-got-hit-by-a-car thought than a shower thought, but I wanted to share
All terms and conditions should be required to provide a tl;dr
I wouldn't care as much about mosquitoes taking my blood if they didn't leave ichy bumps afterward.
I know mosquitoes can carry diseases but most of the time they are just annoying.
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
I am the person i love that I wouldn't take a bullet for.
I mean what would be the point?
Legos are just a manual 8-bit 3d printer.
I correct autocorrect more than it corrects me
Condom companies technically kill their future customers
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
Maybe people have successfully made time machines but didnt realize that our galaxy cluster is traveling like 350 miles a second. And so they traveled back or forward in time and end up in empty space and thus die and cannot reveal to us that their machine worked.
I guess a true time machine would need to be able to move temporally and spatially. Also, anyone know how fast earth is travelling compared to background radiation/total stillness in reference to the universe? Oh shit, what if the universe is traveling too. Is an absolute stillness even possible for reference?
Doctors are just veterinarians who specialize in one animal.
If you identify as gender-fluid because you possess qualities normally attributed to neither/both genders, aren't you just confirming your belief in gender stereotypes?
For instance, I'm a gay male whose favorite color has always been hot pink. I've never felt the desire to wear a dress or anything like that outside of drag parties but, if I did, I would still identify as a man. Just a man wearing a hot pink dress because it's comfortable or whatever and that's my favorite color. If you think that cross dressing or behavior atypical of your gender necessitates your adoption of a new gender, aren't you making a statement that men shouldn't wear dresses or women shouldn't play sports /date other women?
DISCLAIMER: I'm posting this here because it's a thought that I had in the shower, but it could also be suitable for r/changemyview; I'm actually curious. I am also not making any kind of point about transsexual people. I understand their stress about being born in the wrong body and the idea of conforming to a gender with which you are more comfortable. My confusion comes from those who switch back and forth seemingly based on convenience and stereotype.
I have never seen grape ice cream.
Grape is a staple flavor in most junk food, including candy, sorbet, gum, etc. But I have never seen it in ice cream.
An unwanted erection should be known as a Hard Attack.
Who looked at a bowl of rice and was like " I bet the most efficient way of eating this is with two sticks"
Edit: I am asian (username) and I can eat rice just fine with chopsticks, but like wtf its so much more efficient with spoons
I love how literal the word "fireplace" is.
Monday, July 25, 2016
If I was a toy manufacturer I would make make a talking toy that said things that were creepy 1 in 1000 times just to mess with people.
Imagine pulling Woody's string and randomly he said "I killed Andy's mum and ate her" you get freaked out and pull it again and he says "THERES A SNAKE IN MY BOOT!"
I've never seen an angel depicted with a moustache.
In GTA I only get shot if I'm wielding a gun or a crime has actually been committed. Proving that video games are only slightly less violent than the reality they are based on.
The cops in gta are indiscriminate and they are really stupid. You have to admit they are fast and thorough when it comes to a threat. I know the nypd cant scramble a black hawk in under 5 minutes but I can continue to allow them to beat that record in the game. Also the judicial system is a complete joke. A couple hundred bucks and a night in the can Im out by sunrise. I would love to play a prison simulator in gta.
Schools don't teach kids how to eat because we've always assumed that they'd learn it at home. But that's clearly not the case, since most parents are overweight. Therefore, the educational system should start teaching kids about nutrition from a young age.
Sunday, July 24, 2016
If the first humans waited another day before having sex none of us would exist
Same with if your parents waited an extra day before having sex you would not have been born
Also the entire world history and everything we know would not have happened (no hitler, no USA, ect...)
Jack really dodged a bullet by not eating those beans.
Slow wifi pisses me off way more than having no wifi
Saturday, July 23, 2016
If you're "making America great again," then when you say "I live in the greatest country in the world" is there not an inherent fallacy in one of those statements?
How un-American of you.
@'s are just lowercase anarchy symbols.
Tobacco companies kill their best customers
Not sure if the world is getting more fucked up each year, or if its always been this fucked but I just didn't hear about it growing up.
My thoughts every day as a 20 year old.
Using baby wipes to clean up after sex is very literal
You are younger now than you are now.
I find it so hard to think "sassy" or "rude" little children are cute. Because I know they are just mimicking their parents who are probably major assholes.
Like when you see little children like 5 years old back sassing adults or telling them how things should be. Just makes me cringe and then feel sad.
My lawn drinks cleaner water than most of the world.
Friday, July 22, 2016
Cinnamon is really just delicious sawdust.
Camping is fun as long as it's optional.
At this point, the Grand Theft Auto games would be far more controversial if they let you play as a law enforcement officer
The number of stars would be the number of pedestrians who filmed you shooting someone.
Or the number of riots your acquittal caused.
I can't believe a James Bond movie didn't come out in 2007
According to the Bible, abstinence isn't 100% effective against pregnancy.
And yes, I did think of this while in the shower.
Someday, I might be telling my kids "When I was a kid, we actually had to drive the car ourselves!"
I am currently 21, so kids probably are not too far off. After reading Elon Musks 'Master Plan Part Duex' I started thinking that my kids may never have to drive a car themselves.
Thursday, July 21, 2016
Talking to my mom is like going through an unskipable cutscene in a game I've played several times.
Just keep trying to spam 'A' hoping it'll end earlier.
Edit: Well shit... I didn't expect the grim and foreboding responses like "wait until she dies", or "at least your mother is still alive". For the record, I love my mom, but I felt like many can relate to the feeling to hearing the same thing over and over again from either of their parents, it was supposed to be funny.
I wonder how many memories I’m in.
The use of birth control by responsible people is slowly replacing the human race with irresponsible people who get pregnant unintentionally.
Things are not looking good for mankind at this rate!
Dragons would think its cool that we create water in our mouths.
Pokémon Lures work better on people than Pokémon.
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
A female cannibal has the ability to create her own food.
Evolution is making us taller, skinnier, with bigger eyes. Kinda alien looking. Maybe we'll invent time travel and come back in neat little UFOs.
It would make sense that they wouldn't want to contact us. Would mess up the time space continuum thing.
I wonder if the phrase 'toodaloo' came from English people excusing themselves to go 'to the bathroom'...
Because English people call a toilet a 'loo'... So they're going... To da loo...
I am glad that farts aren't contagious as yawns
Nobody has ever been in an empty room.
Mount Rushmore is a rock group of four men who don't sing.
I wonder how many of the arrests on Scooby Doo actually resulted in a conviction.
It seems to me that a group of kids in a van full of pot smoke don't make very convincing witnesses. In addition to that, those meddling kinds would have contaminated the crime scene and ruined any possible evidence collection other than what looks like a forced confession. Speaking of which, wouldn't any decent lawyer be able to get that confession tossed out.
Superman's keen sense of balance is far more impressive than his brute strength. You simply cannot balance large and heavy objects on the palms of your hands with strength alone.
We already have modern machinery capable of lifting a giant rocket, for instance. But balancing said giant rocket on a 5 inch x 5 inch surface? Good luck.
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
Plastic wrap and tinfoil companies could easily be fucking us over because who the hell is going to unravel an entire roll of plastic wrap or tinfoil just to see if it's the right length that's advertised.
But don't think you get a free pass wax paper, we know you're guilty too.
A good way to fix the Youtube comments could be to only allow comments after you watched at least 50% of the video
EDIT: I MEAN FOR THIS TO BE A FILTER OPTION, NOT A VIDEO STANDARD
Currently youtube comments are useless and cancer except for the content creator to maybe see some constructive feedback every now and then within all of the cancer and copy-paste crap.
Monday, July 18, 2016
There should be a word for the anxiety you get when you start to reach the end of a burrito and it's starting to fall apart and sauce is getting everywhere and the foil is leaking and there's only one napkin, but it's like a 3 napkin job.
You're not completely useless, you can be used as a bad example.
If vampires are okay with moonlight, and moonlight is just sunlight reflecting off the moon, then maybe NASA's Apollo program was just a bunch of super-rich vampires checking to see if moonrocks could be used as an ingredient for vampire body lotion
Does anyone feel 100% confident correctly pronouncing the word "Worcestershire"?
My wife came up to me the today and said she had a good shower thought for Reddit. How do you pronounce it? Confident?
If sex was a videogame, Prostitutes would be the Pay-To-Win version of it.
The more you spend, the better the experience.
If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly then how did it fall off?
Cigarettes are good for the environment cause it kills humans
The reason why Ash kept falling for Team Rocket's shitty schemes and costumes is because Ash is a 10 year old child.
Adult me is rewatching the first season of the show (now on Netflix) and things are starting to make a lot more sense.
I hope tomorrow we all can wake up, have a normal day, and go home and go to bed.
...without an international incident.
Sunday, July 17, 2016
If a burglar broke into my house at night, I'm sure they'd give up after the fourth baby gate.
Countless toe stubbing, and tripping when attempting to hurdle them.
Alcohol free and free alcohol are the polar opposites of fun.
I wonder how many times I unknowingly avoided death
I always thought it was ridiculous that in movies giant creatures like dragons or monsters don't immediately kill the humans. Then I remembered how humans act around spiders and realized that those giant creatures are actually probably terrified of us.
Saturday, July 16, 2016
Waterproof phones now make sense to me.
Billy Joel could release a new version of "We Didn't Start the Fire" using only events from the year 2016.
Assuming he doesn't die, too.
Friday, July 15, 2016
We need an alien invasion to unite people.
"Ghostbusters Go" would be pretty badass
There should be a mode on cell phones where you input how long you need the battery to last, and the phone will do everything it can to get to that point.
My phone has all sorts of settings that I can switch on and off to improve battery life, but it would be nice if I could just say, hey I need my phone to last 3 days. Get me there.
Driver me would hate pedestrian me.
If US and Russia exchanged few warhead strikes, we could all play Fallout GO.
Exclusive to US and Russia only.
As someone with a bad memory, I wish I could Google things that happened in my life.
"What is the longest amount of time I have gone without sleep?"
"Have I ever used the word hullaballoo in a meaningful sentence?"
"Was there ever a time where I held a world record?"
"What did I have for lunch a year ago?"
Whether a Vacuum is on or off, it's always collecting dust.
We need Celebrity Deathmatch to come back now more than ever
The only "ads" I ever hear on Spotify are Spotify ads telling me why I should pay to remove ads
The classic "I won't shut up until you pay me" business model
Extremely glad that YouTube was not popular when I was a child. I would've absolutely made some cringey, terrible shit.
Because let's face it, that vast majority of "cringe" content and videos featured on commentary channels are just kids being kids.
VERY thankful for being born in 1990.
Thursday, July 14, 2016
Googling 'nice truck' will never be the same again.
The words "Tokyo" and "Kyoto" can be written together infinitely, like this: Tokyotokyotokyotokyo...
tokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyo....
How I Met Your Mother was the world's longest TED Talk.
Mitch Hedberg would have been a god on this subreddit
Do twins ever realize that one of them was unplanned?
You'll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
Beef Jerky is essentially just a cow raisin
In Most Religions God Takes All the Credit but None of the Blame
Note before commenting: Not trying to offend people, just a thing that I noticed while showering. Most religious people's justifications for belief usually follows the idea's logic.
PLEASE LEAVE THOUGHTFUL AND RESPECTFUL COMMENTS!!!
Edit// Imagine a young person with high potential is on the verge of dying. In one outcome the person survives and everyone thanks God, however in the other outcome where the person dies no one blames God for 1. taking someone who still has so much to live for; 2. causing such pain to the person's close ones; 3. demand that no one blames him, but give him credit if he comes back. [This is a comment I left due to people asking for and example]
Isn't it odd that when you die, your loved ones will most likely go through all of your possessions and learn things about you that you never told them?
If you have an untimely death , then chances are that you didn't clear out your browser history or throw out your diary. When dividing up your possessions, you know your loved ones will go snooping around and learn any secrets you may have. The strange part(at least for them Since you're dead and all) is that they can't understand them better since you've passed away.
You can't save anyone's life, only postpone their death
1984-2000 seems a very long time compared to 2000-2016.
I bet the YMCA dance is a lot harder to do in Chinese.
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
Mario Kart GO would be absolute mayhem
It really bothers me that we pay sports stars millions of dollars each year but my goal of doing research to figure out causes and solutions to mental illness will pay me $45,000 a year after 10 years of university, if I am lucky.
I don't need money to make this dream worth while but it seems like our priorities as a society are really fucked up.
A better Santa Claus story would be that every city has one person who is in the "Santa Claus" role and no one knows who it is, therefor, if the children want presents, they have to be nice to everyone because they never know who could be Santa.
"Firefly" uses an opposite pair of words than "waterfall"
I would be a lot more motivated in life if every difficult thing had a progress bar that I could see.
For example, if I've got writer's block, I would be less inclined to give up if I saw that my 'Write Book' bar was half full.