#42 The answer to life the universe and everything: July 2016

I attended Catholic school 14 years (preschool-12) in a city with an overwhelming amount of Catholic schools, most of which are still segregated by gender, and can probably count the number of people I graduated with at my school or anyone I know who are practicing Catholics on one hand.

When I was a kid I was always told cats are scared of dogs, but I've only ever seen dogs that are scared of cats.

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What if dogs are scared of thunder because they think it's the bark of a more dominant dog

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Plague Inc. Is an example of how bad the Olympics in Rio could be.

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Someone should develop a browser app that very gradually starts changing words so you can begin to learn a language.

Obviously begin being the key word, this would be a great way to start slowly and almost inadvertently.

The old saying "Money can't buy happiness" should really be "Money can't stop depression"

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Does having a pokéstop within swiping distance of my living room increase my house's value?

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Brazil doesn't want the Olympics in Rio and the rest of the world doesn't want the Olympics in Rio. So why are we holding it in Rio again?

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As an adult, I'll receive a £300 bill for the front tooth that I lost. As a kid, I would receive £2 for every tooth that I lost. These were no gifts. The Tooth Fairy is a Loan Shark.

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I am just a penis. The rest of me is just there to make sure my penis survives long enough to make more penises.

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My son's enthusiasm for Kylo Ren creeps me out as a father.

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Have medicine makers ever tasted fruit?

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If sea levels rise from global warming, scuba diving to old sunken cities will be a huge industry.

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Buying a wallet is like trading your books for a shelf.

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Time for a Dragonball Z app that lets people hunt for dragon balls and spend time in actual gyms to raise their power levels

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Game of thrones is actually a zombie series, with a really long medieval introduction

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I bet there's some mail carriers out there with amazing Pokémon GO accounts

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They say Taco Bell isn't real Mexican, but it does the job for half the price...that's about as Mexican as it gets.

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As a 14 year old girl the funniest part of Reddit is imagining you all think I'm a grown man

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As a cyclist I assume every driver wants to kill me. As a driver I assume every cyclist has a death wish.

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The words "similar" and "same" are similar, but not the same.

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Every bullet that has been fired has missed me.

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If the USA were a gritty drama on HBO or Netflix, we'd all be complaining about how unrealistic this latest season has been.

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What if the coins you find under cushions and on the ground are from spiders paying their rent?

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Thursday, July 28, 2016

Potatoes give us chips, fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, other vegetables...

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Gotye is now someone that we used to know.

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"My kids aren't home" is the adult version of "my parents aren't home"

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"No, Mel Gibson is a casino's big lemon" is my favorite palindrome.

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The thing that annoys me the most on Reddit is seeing other people getting onto the front page for things that I thought were obvious/boring

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I don't trust people to genetically 'design' their child because I see what they do with character creation in games.

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The world is not getting dumber.it's just easier for dumb people to get their thoughts heard.

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Arguing with religious people is like trying to tell your mother that online games can't be paused

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I can tell how busy I was at work by how low my phone battery is when I leave.

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If alcohol reveals your true self, then my real self just want to go to sleep.

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A lot of people probably had "This is going to hurt" as their last thought

This is more a almost-got-hit-by-a-car thought than a shower thought, but I wanted to share

Why do fat guys have to deal with rejection but fat girls are meant to be loved for who they are?

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What if instead of playing dodgeball or climbing ropes, gym class focused on proper body mechanics like good posture, running properly, squating correctly or lifting a box from the ground?

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I hope I'm nowhere near a vibrator factory when the machines decide to rise up against the humans.

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As an adult on reddit I have to remind myself that I'm oftentimes arguing with teenagers

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All terms and conditions should be required to provide a tl;dr

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I avoid having to read an entire linked article by reading triple its length in reddit comments.

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I wouldn't care as much about mosquitoes taking my blood if they didn't leave ichy bumps afterward.

I know mosquitoes can carry diseases but most of the time they are just annoying.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Few things are as comforting as seeing your exact issue pop up in Google autocomplete

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If you've never rewound a cassette tape with your finger, you have no right to complain about buffering.

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I am the person i love that I wouldn't take a bullet for.

I mean what would be the point?

I spend more time at the place that pays me than I do at the place I pay for.

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Telling someone you shouldn't be sad because other people have it worse than you is like telling someone they can't be happy because someone else is happier than them.

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Why did everyone play the recorder in 2nd grade? What were they training us for?

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As a teenager the funniest part of reddit is remembering that most of you are adults.

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Ever since Robin Williams died, the world has rapidly been getting worse.

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If I had a kid when I was 18, I could have a 10 year old by now. Instead I'm watching cartoons in my underwear and eating cereal, like a 10 year old.

Wrap it up, kids.

The obnoxious "doctors hate it" types of ads are probably hated by doctors because they are selling something that is bad for your health.

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Legos are just a manual 8-bit 3d printer.

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There can be a Facebook meme I really love or agree with, but if it says "Share if you agree!", I won't share it on principle.

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I’m so glad I was born just before the time when all of my embarrassing childhood videos would have been stored on the Internet.

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If /r/anarchy practiced what they preached they would have no mods

Just sayin

I correct autocorrect more than it corrects me

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If your views in life haven't changed since freshman year of high school, you were either a very wise 14 year old, or are a very ignorant adult.

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Pain is nature’s way of saying ''don’t do that''. Painkillers are man’s way of saying ''Watch me''.

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Everytime I see the title of the movie 'The BFG," my brain automatically thinks, "The Big Fucking Gun."

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One unexpected knock on your parent's bedroom door and your little brother might not have existed.

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If you could stop time around you you would be instantly blind, because light would stop moving into your eyes or bouncing off objects.

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Winter is really going to separate the Pokémon Masters from the Pokémon Trainers

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Bedtime is so metal. I'm currently brushing the exposed bits of my skeleton so they don't get destroyed by tiny creatures in my sleep, then I'll turn off all the lights and lie in the silent dark for 8 hours.

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We have a ton of detailed information on Alexander the Great, who lived hundreds of years before Jesus. Yet curiously there is nothing on Jesus apart from the bible.

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If I search up any "-phobia" on Google, Google's first response is to show me pictures of it.

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Condom companies technically kill their future customers

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Sometimes when I'm at work, I wish I could text my cat... Just to see how his day's going.

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Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Growing up in the 90s, I assumed African killer bees were going to be something I'd have to worry about on a daily basis.

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The problem with democracy is that appealing to the dumb half is as good a strategy as appealing to the smart half.

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The female stereotype of putting your hands on your hips exists because none of their clothing has pockets.

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Maybe people have successfully made time machines but didnt realize that our galaxy cluster is traveling like 350 miles a second. And so they traveled back or forward in time and end up in empty space and thus die and cannot reveal to us that their machine worked.

I guess a true time machine would need to be able to move temporally and spatially. Also, anyone know how fast earth is travelling compared to background radiation/total stillness in reference to the universe? Oh shit, what if the universe is traveling too. Is an absolute stillness even possible for reference?

Every time I browse /personalfinance, I end up reading posts by people half my age complaining about making twice as much as I do.

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'The bigger they are, the harder they fall' does not apply to balloons.

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It's always such a relief when I log on to Reddit in the morning and the top post isn't about mass murder.

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Doctors are just veterinarians who specialize in one animal.

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"I forgot to plug my car in" will eventually be the most common excuse for being late for work.

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If I got struck by lightning, the first thing I would do afterwards is check if I had super powers

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I was always annoyed as a child when adults said, "pokemans." Now, as an adult, I am annoyed by children who say, "pokemans."

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Swat team members should have their homes randomly raided by a neighboring swat team to better understand the confusion experienced by the suspect.

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If you identify as gender-fluid because you possess qualities normally attributed to neither/both genders, aren't you just confirming your belief in gender stereotypes?

For instance, I'm a gay male whose favorite color has always been hot pink. I've never felt the desire to wear a dress or anything like that outside of drag parties but, if I did, I would still identify as a man. Just a man wearing a hot pink dress because it's comfortable or whatever and that's my favorite color. If you think that cross dressing or behavior atypical of your gender necessitates your adoption of a new gender, aren't you making a statement that men shouldn't wear dresses or women shouldn't play sports /date other women?

DISCLAIMER: I'm posting this here because it's a thought that I had in the shower, but it could also be suitable for r/changemyview; I'm actually curious. I am also not making any kind of point about transsexual people. I understand their stress about being born in the wrong body and the idea of conforming to a gender with which you are more comfortable. My confusion comes from those who switch back and forth seemingly based on convenience and stereotype.

I have never seen grape ice cream.

Grape is a staple flavor in most junk food, including candy, sorbet, gum, etc. But I have never seen it in ice cream.

An unwanted erection should be known as a Hard Attack.

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Who looked at a bowl of rice and was like " I bet the most efficient way of eating this is with two sticks"

Edit: I am asian (username) and I can eat rice just fine with chopsticks, but like wtf its so much more efficient with spoons

I feel like a boss whenever i use an inside breast pocket on a jacket.

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'Coffee flavored water' doesn't sound good but that's what coffee is.

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One advantage of being a woman is no one can surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.

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I love how literal the word "fireplace" is.

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Learning "Eye of the Tiger" on guitar is the only time you'll have montage music while you're learning something.

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A kid with gay dads can't gift a 'Worlds #1 Dad' mug without hurting the other dad.

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Nothing makes me sweat more than consciously acknowledging I forgot to put on deodorant.

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Monday, July 25, 2016

Lasers were once the greatest scientific breakthrough in history,now we use them to play with cats.

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For an atheist, I sure use "I swear to god" and "Jesus Christ!" a lot.

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Someone should invent glasses you wear at the theatre that allows only the wearers to see subtitles.

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We probably can't blow ourselves because the dudes who could naturally fell out of the gene pool.

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On a clear day you can see about 15 miles into the horizon, but on a clear night you can see light years away.

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What if every god from every religion is real but they're controlling all of us and playing a huge game of Risk

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With every passing second you very slowly move up the leaderboard for oldest living person.

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Being pregnant is like saving up 9 months worth of periods for one massive cramp filled and bloody mega period that ends with a baby.

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The scroll to find my birth year on websites is getting uncomfortably long.

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if money can't buy happiness why do I have to pay for my antidepressants?

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Too often I close an interesting thread because I wasn't satisfied with the top comment.

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If I had a dollar for every useless trivia I know, I would have no money because the trivia is no longer useless because it can earn you money.

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I care a lot about what my computer background is, but rarely ever look at it

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If I was a toy manufacturer I would make make a talking toy that said things that were creepy 1 in 1000 times just to mess with people.

Imagine pulling Woody's string and randomly he said "I killed Andy's mum and ate her" you get freaked out and pull it again and he says "THERES A SNAKE IN MY BOOT!"

When I was a kid I never wanted to take pictures but now that I'm older I wish I had more pictures too look back on

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Using solar panels to power an air conditioning unit is like using the Sun's power against itself.

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The Olympics should be held in one place forever so they only have to pay maintenance costs to keep it up to standards. And it should outside of any nation, similar to Vatican City.

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If you read the Bible backwards, it's the story of a benevolent deity, who gets grumpier and grumpier until he decides 'fuck it' and floods the world, after which he destroys the universe bit by bit.

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I've never seen an angel depicted with a moustache.

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If I fall asleep at a friends home, instead of covering me with a blanket I'd be more impressed if they plugged my phone in to charge.

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It's a shame great minds think alike. If they thought differently, we'd get double the great ideas.

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In GTA I only get shot if I'm wielding a gun or a crime has actually been committed. Proving that video games are only slightly less violent than the reality they are based on.

The cops in gta are indiscriminate and they are really stupid. You have to admit they are fast and thorough when it comes to a threat. I know the nypd cant scramble a black hawk in under 5 minutes but I can continue to allow them to beat that record in the game. Also the judicial system is a complete joke. A couple hundred bucks and a night in the can Im out by sunrise. I would love to play a prison simulator in gta.

I miss being the age I was when I thought I'd have it all together by the age I am now.

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Schools don't teach kids how to eat because we've always assumed that they'd learn it at home. But that's clearly not the case, since most parents are overweight. Therefore, the educational system should start teaching kids about nutrition from a young age.

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If Bill Gates died and left his fortune to EVERYONE in the U.S., everyone would roughly gain $240

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This Olympics is on track to be the worst Olympics in history and we already have a Nazi Hosted Olympics in the books.

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After taking a TV production class in college, I now realize what a dick move dropping the mic actually is considering how sensitive and expensive they are

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Sunday, July 24, 2016

If the first humans waited another day before having sex none of us would exist

Same with if your parents waited an extra day before having sex you would not have been born

Also the entire world history and everything we know would not have happened (no hitler, no USA, ect...)

You never notice how many times a day you swallow until you have a sore throat.

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If a girl doesn't make you wear a condom, she probably didn't make anyone else wear one either...

Be safe. Wrap up!

Old peoples homes should have that rubber playground material as a floor covering instead of tile or carpet.

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As a kid I thought that being able to read minds would be awesome. As an adult I think that it would be somewhere between emotionally damaging and downright terrifying.

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I think pokestops at children's hospitals should have a infinite lure!

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Video Games from my childhood get less nostalgic as I progress through the game because I was never able to get this far when I was younger.

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I wish I could meet everyone born at the exact same time as I was and compare each of our lives up to this point.

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If Wi-Fi has negative long term health effects, we'll be the first generation to find out.

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I can do amazing drifts, jumps and other things in racing games that I couldn't do in real life. Yet driving normally and keeping the car on the right side in those games is next to impossible.

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At some point, somewhere, there must have been a guy named Frank who was so superlatively honest he became an adjective.

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Kari, Tori, and Grant should create a YouTube channel where they continue to bust myths. They would gain millions of Subscribers really quickly.

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After 20 years I've only just realised we sing the alphabet to twinkle twinkle little star.

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The two things that I resist the most in my day are going to bed at night, and getting out of bed in the morning.

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Jack really dodged a bullet by not eating those beans.

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When you're doing the limbo, if you set the bar low, then you're setting the bar high, and if you set the bar high, then you're setting the bar low.

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If I'm spelling a word correctly, the predictive keyboard on my phone should show me synonyms instead of six variants of the same word I'm currently typing.

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In less than a week, people will go from bitching about the "upgrade to windows 10 for free" popups, to bitching about Windows 10 not being free anymore.

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Slow wifi pisses me off way more than having no wifi

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Building a computer is like putting together a really expensive Lego set that you will eventually use to masturbate

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The leaning Tower of Pisa - When you fuck up so bad it becomes a tourist attraction.

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There should be a smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I"m just cooking"

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Cannibalism would fix hunger problems and overpopulation at the same time

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As someone who wears glasses, I'm so glad 3D televisions never caught on.

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Pizza is the most convenient food ever until you consider the box wont fit in your trashcan.

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Saturday, July 23, 2016

People who don't put their dumbbells back on the rack are choosing not to lift weights at the only time it is expected of them.

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If i had a dollar for every time I wanted to die I'd want to live

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Pokémon Go has helped a ton of people succeed in their New Years resolution of going to the gym

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For the low price of a dollar you can leave a dollar somewhere and instantly make someone's day better

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I'm so single that if a random girl approaches and shows interest in me, I would wonder if it's a social experiment

Being single (read Ugly)

Dating sites should use Drivers License photos, so people will have lower expectations from the start.

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If you're "making America great again," then when you say "I live in the greatest country in the world" is there not an inherent fallacy in one of those statements?

How un-American of you.

Humanity won't care about investing seriously into space travel, until we are in a situation where we wished we invested more into space travel.

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@'s are just lowercase anarchy symbols.

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Soon all background actors are just going to be staring at their phones to make it more believable

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Tobacco companies kill their best customers

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If opposites attract, I should be dating a gorgeous, billionaire supermodel that has a loving family.

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My ex was constantly paranoid that one day I would no longer find her attractive. 2 years after I broke up with her, I still think she's hot - It was her personalty I didn't like.

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With the overabundance of rattatas and pidgeys, you would think the ekans species would be thriving

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What if Tesla cars aren't self driving, but are secretly remotely controlled by cheap Indian employees?

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Smoking pot before a movie makes it a performance enhancing drug but for everybody else's performance.

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If I could go back in time and tell my 5-year-old self that I ride elevators every day and ~95% of the time get to push the buttons myself, he would think that was the coolest thing ever

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The moral of the Tortoise and the Hare shouldn't be "slow and steady wins the race." The Tortoise only won because the Hare kept getting distracted. The moral should instead be "stay on task."

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Not sure if the world is getting more fucked up each year, or if its always been this fucked but I just didn't hear about it growing up.

My thoughts every day as a 20 year old.

Using baby wipes to clean up after sex is very literal

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Using scenes in movie trailers that are not actually in the movie should be considered false advertising.

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You are younger now than you are now.

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Don't get mad if you parents ask "simple tech questions" because they taught you how to use a spoon.

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Smoking cigarettes is a great way to commit suicide if you’re a procrastinator.

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I find it so hard to think "sassy" or "rude" little children are cute. Because I know they are just mimicking their parents who are probably major assholes.

Like when you see little children like 5 years old back sassing adults or telling them how things should be. Just makes me cringe and then feel sad.

Every Olympic Event Should include one Average Person Competing for Reference.

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My lawn drinks cleaner water than most of the world.

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Friday, July 22, 2016

Most Atheists I know have put more effort into looking into religion than the religious people I know.

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For an "adult cartoon" I've found that I've enjoyed Family Guy less and less as I've grown older

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It's socially acceptable to have friends join you for the beginning of the digestive process but not the end

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Cinnamon is really just delicious sawdust.

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There are no animals in the Pokémon world, so whenever the anime characters eat meat, they're eating Pokémon.

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If I'm ignorant of the law, I get a citation. If the cop is ignorant of the law, I get a citation.

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Fingerless gloves are now perfectly sensible for Pokémon trainers to wear.

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Camping is fun as long as it's optional.

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When you're a kid and somebody swears, you're like "dude, don't swear, there are adults around." As an adult when someone swears you're like "dude, don't swear, there are kids here."

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Plankton can steal a king's crown, but can't steal a fucking burger recipe.

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The idea that humans are able to consider another species "over populated" is kind of arrogant.

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My phone’s response to a low battery is to vibrate, turn the screen on, show a visual warning & chime loudly. This seems counter-productive.

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Most of the people you've admired throughout history would probably have opinions that would horrify you in the context of today.

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We should have an 'annual holiday' where we turn off all the lights and look at the night sky.

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Honey boo boo's family and the kardashians are the same people on opposite sides of the spectrum.

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At this point, the Grand Theft Auto games would be far more controversial if they let you play as a law enforcement officer

The number of stars would be the number of pedestrians who filmed you shooting someone.

Or the number of riots your acquittal caused.

Its hard to win an argument with a smart person, but it is damn near impossible to win an argument with a stupid person.

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I wonder how many times a small delay such as losing my keys for 15 seconds has saved me from being in the wrong place at the wrong time, ultimately saving my life.

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People that take lives get more recognition than people who save lives

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The wizards in Harry Potter are kind of jerks for not sharing any of their medical spells with the non magic world

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The best/worst part of dreaming is that first fifteen seconds after waking up, when you frantically worry "What am I going to do with all those giraffes and meth?" only to slowly realize it's not an actual problem.

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The only thing harder than the moon landing would be convincing 200,000 NASA employees to keep their mouths shut about faking it

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I can't believe a James Bond movie didn't come out in 2007

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When I hear a song I really like on the radio I'm delighted, but I don't really care when I choose to play it on my phone myself

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As a kid, I saw Gordon Ramsey as an asshole who yells at people for not being perfect. As an adult, I see Gordon Ramsey as a prime example of a person dedicated to his craft.

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If Bruce Willis dies from Viagra overdose, the headline will read "Bruce Willis Dies Hard."

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According to the Bible, abstinence isn't 100% effective against pregnancy.

And yes, I did think of this while in the shower.

If we're going to have private prisons, then the prison companies should be payed based on how well the prisoners do once they're let out.

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Someday, I might be telling my kids "When I was a kid, we actually had to drive the car ourselves!"

I am currently 21, so kids probably are not too far off. After reading Elon Musks 'Master Plan Part Duex' I started thinking that my kids may never have to drive a car themselves.

Thursday, July 21, 2016

When the grade 3 gym teacher was doing stretching for 5 minutes before class, that was for him, not us.

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I always hesitate at "Authorized Personnel Only" signs at work... Then I remember I'm the Authorized person.

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Talking to my mom is like going through an unskipable cutscene in a game I've played several times.

Just keep trying to spam 'A' hoping it'll end earlier.

Edit: Well shit... I didn't expect the grim and foreboding responses like "wait until she dies", or "at least your mother is still alive". For the record, I love my mom, but I felt like many can relate to the feeling to hearing the same thing over and over again from either of their parents, it was supposed to be funny.

There should be a post office at the airport so you can ship items that you forgot were in your bag and are not allowed on the flight

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One of the most unbelievable things about Sponge Bob is that two fry cooks are home owners.

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At the age of 28, my expected lifetime remaining is around 63%. When I see my phones battery at 63%, I feel like its almost dead.

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When a blind woman tells her boyfriend that she is seeing someone, it could either be really terrible news or really great news.

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Most people don't take offense when you say "the average person is an idiot" because most people think they are above average

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If you're raised by a gay couple, but your parents divorce and marry other people, you're going to have four moms. Or four dads.

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I wish there was a punctuation mark between the period or exclamation point so I can express mild feelings instead of sounding either uninterested or too excited

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I wonder how many memories I’m in.

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I don't think we're thankful enough that the whole world agreed on the same units of time.

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The use of birth control by responsible people is slowly replacing the human race with irresponsible people who get pregnant unintentionally.

Things are not looking good for mankind at this rate!

Dragons would think its cool that we create water in our mouths.

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Describing something as "military grade" often makes it sound better unless it's food

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It should be illegal to show CPR done incorrectly on tv or in movies.

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No one ever eats the donuts at the morning meeting but they disappear immediately when moved to the lunchroom after the meeting is over. I never see anyone eating them. Apparently, I work with a bunch of donut ninjas.

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Pokémon Lures work better on people than Pokémon.

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With all the new 2-3 hour movies coming out, theaters should start having intermissions again.

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As a kid I could never get my hands on a fast food meal and as an adult I can never get my hands on a home cooked meal

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Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Pharoahs convincing people they were gods and that taxes should go to building the world's largest fucking buildings for them to die in was the original pyramid scheme

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Katy Perry spends an entire song saying "you're gonna hear me roar" only for the song to finish with a lion's roar and not her own.

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A female cannibal has the ability to create her own food.

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Cinderella must have a hard time shopping for shoes if literally no one else in the kingdom had her size

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Evolution is making us taller, skinnier, with bigger eyes. Kinda alien looking. Maybe we'll invent time travel and come back in neat little UFOs.

It would make sense that they wouldn't want to contact us. Would mess up the time space continuum thing.

I wonder if the phrase 'toodaloo' came from English people excusing themselves to go 'to the bathroom'...

Because English people call a toilet a 'loo'... So they're going... To da loo...

In the near future, most grandparents will be way better at video games than their grandchildren due to sheer experience.

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I would love it if there was a website where I could look up a license plate and then send a message to whoever owns the plate and tell them how bad they drive.

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I wonder if people who have sex with animals care about the gender of said animal. "I'd screw a pig but not a boy pig, I ain't gay."

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Annoying pop-ups that ask me to turn off adblock never succeeded. Instead they just make me stop using the site.

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I just realized I'm a "service human" for my rescue dog with ptsd.

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I am glad that farts aren't contagious as yawns

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Nobody has ever been in an empty room.

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I feel like being both a procrastinator and suicidal kinda just works itself out

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There is something extremely unnerving about a helium balloon that has lost just enough helium to float at face height.

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How fast a car can go from 100-0 is probably more important than how fast it can get from 0-100.

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In 90s kids went outside to play. In 2000s kids stayed inside to play video games. As of last week, Kids are going outside to play video games.

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Mount Rushmore is a rock group of four men who don't sing.

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You could've possibly avoided future spankings as a child by saying "Spank me harder, Daddy" after the first one.

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I wonder how many of the arrests on Scooby Doo actually resulted in a conviction.

It seems to me that a group of kids in a van full of pot smoke don't make very convincing witnesses. In addition to that, those meddling kinds would have contaminated the crime scene and ruined any possible evidence collection other than what looks like a forced confession. Speaking of which, wouldn't any decent lawyer be able to get that confession tossed out.

Superman's keen sense of balance is far more impressive than his brute strength. You simply cannot balance large and heavy objects on the palms of your hands with strength alone.

We already have modern machinery capable of lifting a giant rocket, for instance. But balancing said giant rocket on a 5 inch x 5 inch surface? Good luck.

Somewhere in the world, there is somebody with your dream job that hates going to work everyday

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Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Vampires only suck your blood for Vitamin D because they can't go out in the sun themselves.

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Leather can be made from any animal, even dogs and cats in China which exports around the world. Leather is normally not labeled. You could have a purse, wallet or more, made of dog.

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What if the reason why 2016 has been such a crazy year is due to the return of Lord Voldemort, but as muggles we haven't been able to connect all of the random events and deaths?

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The most underrated people are the ones who sift through all the shitty posts in new

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YOLO is a better argument for playing it safe than it is for taking unecessary risks.

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YouTube Red takes something I don't want and asks me to pay for it, but RedTube takes something I'd pay for and gives it to me for free.

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You can tell someone doesn't read much if they keep trying to talk to you while you're reading a book

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If oxygen was to just suddenly disappear from earths atmosphere, sick patients on oxygen would wonder why everyone just died.

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Sometimes, when I see internet trolls and Facebook fights, the endless march of the keyboard warriors, and the celebrity twitter feuds, I think to myself; "remember when computers were for smart people?"

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The laws of physics are laws that you would probably be praised for breaking.

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Plastic wrap and tinfoil companies could easily be fucking us over because who the hell is going to unravel an entire roll of plastic wrap or tinfoil just to see if it's the right length that's advertised.

But don't think you get a free pass wax paper, we know you're guilty too.

If you put Lil' John and Lil' Wayne together, would that make a full size John Wayne?

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When you're a kid, dirty jokes are considered adult content, but when you're an adult, they're considered immature

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All horror movies should show bloopers before credits so that you don't get nigthmares after watching a really scary movie.

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If 0.001% of the world's population of the opposite sex finds you attractive, you could have a new partner a day until you die

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A good way to fix the Youtube comments could be to only allow comments after you watched at least 50% of the video

EDIT: I MEAN FOR THIS TO BE A FILTER OPTION, NOT A VIDEO STANDARD

Currently youtube comments are useless and cancer except for the content creator to maybe see some constructive feedback every now and then within all of the cancer and copy-paste crap.

If something breaks easily, it's either really cheap or really expensive

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We are going to feel pretty silly when it turns out North Korea has been firing missiles at sea monsters this whole time.

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If congressmen and women don't show up to work, then they should not be able to get paid. Just like everyone else who doesn't show up to work.

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4am is weird because its too early for morning people, and too late for night people

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2016 is like a montage of news footage you see in the beginning of a post-apocalyptic movie explaining how the world was ruined.

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Superman shouldn't have any muscles because nothing on earth is heavy enough to give him a workout.

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When I first joined reddit I was excited to get replies, now when I get one I wonder 'Who did I piss off this time?'

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If you take a dump at work, you are getting paid to take a dump. If you are taking a dump while you should be in your college class, you are paying to take a dump.

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We use tables to keep food off the floor, tablecloths to keep food off the table, place mats to keep food off the tablecloth, and plates to keep food off of the place mats. I wish I had that kind of support in my life.

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My goal in life is to become famous enough to the point where if someone kills me, I'm considered 'assassinated', and not 'murdered'.

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It's more accurate to say "deaths were postponed" than "lives were saved"

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Monday, July 18, 2016

There should be a word for the anxiety you get when you start to reach the end of a burrito and it's starting to fall apart and sauce is getting everywhere and the foil is leaking and there's only one napkin, but it's like a 3 napkin job.

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Tom had to be the dumbest if he got a whole new level of foolery named after him.

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I don't know if I am actually intelligent or just dumb enough to think I am

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I bet foreigners visiting the U.S. are wondering why we never use the top half of our flag poles.

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At least Stephen Hawking can have a conversation with his dentist during a cleaning

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You're not completely useless, you can be used as a bad example.

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I bet clapping was invented by the first guy nobody wanted to high five.

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If vampires are okay with moonlight, and moonlight is just sunlight reflecting off the moon, then maybe NASA's Apollo program was just a bunch of super-rich vampires checking to see if moonrocks could be used as an ingredient for vampire body lotion

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All these kids not learning cursive writing in school will be terrible at cake decorating when they grow up.

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In biblical times, Noah warned people about a flood. In modern times, NOAA warns people about floods.

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Does anyone feel 100% confident correctly pronouncing the word "Worcestershire"?

My wife came up to me the today and said she had a good shower thought for Reddit. How do you pronounce it? Confident?

If sex was a videogame, Prostitutes would be the Pay-To-Win version of it.

The more you spend, the better the experience.

Amazon really needs a "I have £20 to spend and no idea what I want, show me cool things" button.

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Shoutout to urinals for letting me know i'm in the right restroom when i'm not sure.

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If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly then how did it fall off?

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Cigarettes are good for the environment cause it kills humans

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When you propose marriage, you're basically playing double or nothing with your relationship.

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i use to come to reddit for fun and entertainment, but lately i come every morning primarily to check if there were any mass murders while i slept

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My 15 year old self would be appalled to hear how many times I've chosen sleep over sex.

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I'll bet there are a ton of mature and polite teenagers on reddit who don't reveal their age

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In 1968, civil unrest fueled the media. In 2016, the media fuels the civil unrest.

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The teenagers that made fun of me in school for being nerd and playing a musical instrument are now adults who want their kids to perform like I did in school.

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If my wife would get dressed as fast as she used to when her parents came home early, we would never be late to dinner.

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I never realize how dirty a song is until I listen to it with my parents around.

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The reason why Ash kept falling for Team Rocket's shitty schemes and costumes is because Ash is a 10 year old child.

Adult me is rewatching the first season of the show (now on Netflix) and things are starting to make a lot more sense.

I hope tomorrow we all can wake up, have a normal day, and go home and go to bed.

...without an international incident.

Pokeman Go is the greatest thing to happen to America's knowledge of the metric system since drugs.

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Sunday, July 17, 2016

I can't imagine fighting in armor. I feel uncomfortable just walking uphill in blue jeans

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I live alone and have my own computer, but still use Incognito Mode for porn.

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The older I get, the more I think a mostly boring life (i.e., drama-free, routine, calm) life is very much underrated.

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When we make contact with aliens, conspiracy theorists will make a 180 and say extraterrestrials don't exist.

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As an adult, my penis is the closest thing I have to the little red devil that stood on shoulders and whispered terrible advice in to cartoon character's ears.

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Adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane.

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If you watch sitcoms without the laugh tracks, the characters just give each other cringed looks and awkward silences for those jokes.

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If a burglar broke into my house at night, I'm sure they'd give up after the fourth baby gate.

Countless toe stubbing, and tripping when attempting to hurdle them.

I am so happy I live in a world with Facebook. Before that, it would have taken weeks, even months, before finding out someone was an idiot.

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Alcohol free and free alcohol are the polar opposites of fun.

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I wonder how many times I unknowingly avoided death

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If I hear a car alarm my first thought is not a robbery, but rather someone who is having car problems.

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Pretty sure I've eaten more fruit flavored things than I have fruit.

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I want to be a spelling bee judge so that I can give a finalist the word "their" and when they ask for how to use it in a sentence I'll say "They're over there with their friends."

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2016 is really starting look like the satirical news shown in Plague Inc.

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To the poor, "handmade" is a necessity. To the wealthy, "handmade" is a luxury.

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I am really proud of the soft drink industry for agreeing on a standard cap size for bottles.

Good on them.

I always thought it was ridiculous that in movies giant creatures like dragons or monsters don't immediately kill the humans. Then I remembered how humans act around spiders and realized that those giant creatures are actually probably terrified of us.

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The first 18 years of your life is like a free trial and after that it's pay to play

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A wood fire is like releasing all the sunlight a tree absorbed in its life all at once.

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Saturday, July 16, 2016

A true mad scientist would only destroy half of the earth, since the other half is the control group.

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When I was young, teenagers snuck out of the house to drink and have sex. Now, they sneak out to catch imaginary fighting pets.

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They should make a show where they give contestants ikea furniture without instructions and see who builds it the fastest and most accurately.

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As a bullshitter, you seem really smart to ignorant people and really ignorant to smart people.

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Some Wikipedia editors are better educated than teachers yet we can't use Wikipedia as a source and must take everything teachers say as facts.

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I hope Netflix's success makes reality TV die a slow painful death

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"Look, mom. No hands!" would be a great slogan for a unicycle shop, but a terrible slogan for a fireworks stand.

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With the way that 2016 has been going so far, the next season of South Park should be amazing.

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Just once I want a time travel franchise to release the sequel first.

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When I was a kid thinking about what it would be like when I grow up, I vastly underestimated how much time I would spend doing dishes.

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I need people in my life who are way more understanding of my tendency to not talk to them for months at a time.

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Waterproof phones now make sense to me.

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Billy Joel could release a new version of "We Didn't Start the Fire" using only events from the year 2016.

Assuming he doesn't die, too.

My dick and stomach are like my two business partners whose sole purpose is to run the business into the ground.

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Whenever someone talks about a sexual experience on Reddit I always imagine the people involved as being really hot, but they're most likely not at all.

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Whenever someone talks about a sexual experience on Reddit I always imagine the people involved as being really hot, but they're most likely not at all.

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I wish there were a app with statistics about my life. "9 woman thought about sex with you.", "3 people thought about killing you", ..

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It seems kind of douchy for medical offices to charge Alzheimer's patients for missed or forgotten appointments.

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The voice actor for Pikachu has had steady income for the past 20 years saying variations of just one word.

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In 2016 it takes 28 minutes for me to hear about and be semi clear on details of military uprising half way around the world.

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My dog probably thinks that I'm walking around the block alone for 12 hours while I'm at work.

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Every Olympic event should have an 'average Joe' participate in order to provide context.

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Fifteen year olds on summer vacation are probably the least stressed they will be until they're retired.

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Friday, July 15, 2016

I bet people would look better in their driver's license pictures if they took the photo at the beginning of the DMV visit rather than the end.

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We need an alien invasion to unite people.

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Mick Jagger, 72, is having a kid, his 8th, with his 29 year old girlfriend, who is 16 years younger than his oldest child, which is 45. But two moms or two dads is too difficult to explain to a seven year old.

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"Ghostbusters Go" would be pretty badass

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There should be a mode on cell phones where you input how long you need the battery to last, and the phone will do everything it can to get to that point.

My phone has all sorts of settings that I can switch on and off to improve battery life, but it would be nice if I could just say, hey I need my phone to last 3 days. Get me there.

Cars can drive themselves, phones are voice activated, and I can pay for groceries with my phone-- but elevators still don't have a "cancel" button.

what's up with that?

Driver me would hate pedestrian me.

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No other generation will know the horror of cleaning a mouse ball roller.

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Buying hardcover copies of new books should come with a digital eBook code the way buying Blu-rays comes with a digital download.

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If US and Russia exchanged few warhead strikes, we could all play Fallout GO.

Exclusive to US and Russia only.

As someone with a bad memory, I wish I could Google things that happened in my life.

"What is the longest amount of time I have gone without sleep?"

"Have I ever used the word hullaballoo in a meaningful sentence?"

"Was there ever a time where I held a world record?"

"What did I have for lunch a year ago?"

If you think the delay for the next Game of Thrones book is bad, I've been waiting 17 years for Mambo # 6

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Saying you enjoy "people watching" is a lot less creepy than "watching people"

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The hardest thing I ever attempted to do was to come up with a new letter of the alphabet without it sounding like the 26 that already existed

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I really feel that if Subway had any balls, they would start using the hashtag #blackolivesmatter.

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I cannot retort with "your mom" jokes when playing around with my children because I am their mom, therefore, being the butt of my own joke. :/

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I have never pressed the Shift key 5 times in short succession with the intention of activating Sticky keys.

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If aliens or some 4th dimensional beings were infact currently watching me, they would witness me farting,enjoying the smell and must be thinking 'what the actual fuck'

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If Busta Rhymes was a wizard battling in the world of Harry Potter, he would take out all the bad guys before they could finish the first syllable of their spells.

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Whether a Vacuum is on or off, it's always collecting dust.

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As a Pink Floyd fan, nothing angers me quite as much as seeing a vegetarian eating pudding.

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Eating crappy food while watching food shows is a bit like watching porn and masturbating.

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We need Celebrity Deathmatch to come back now more than ever

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Most people who get the new NES will play one of the games it comes with for about 5 minutes and realize how hard old school games actually are.

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Humans are weird. We invented the helmet so we could keep doing the things that were wrecking our heads.

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The only "ads" I ever hear on Spotify are Spotify ads telling me why I should pay to remove ads

The classic "I won't shut up until you pay me" business model

I'm not a bad person, but if I had superpowers, I know I wouldn't use them solely for good.

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I love that John Krasinski is the voice of esurance - Jim from The Office is endorsing a company that, literally, limits the need for paper...

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Ghost sightings sure fell out of popularity now that everyone has a smartphone in their pocket

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Extremely glad that YouTube was not popular when I was a child. I would've absolutely made some cringey, terrible shit.

Because let's face it, that vast majority of "cringe" content and videos featured on commentary channels are just kids being kids.

VERY thankful for being born in 1990.

I don't agree with "save the children first" mentality. It takes way less time to replace a 5 year old kid than it does a 40 year old.

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Thursday, July 14, 2016

Googling 'nice truck' will never be the same again.

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The words "Tokyo" and "Kyoto" can be written together infinitely, like this: Tokyotokyotokyotokyo...

tokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyotokyo....

How I Met Your Mother was the world's longest TED Talk.

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I sit at work in front of a computer all day just to afford to sit at home in front of a computer all night.

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Mitch Hedberg would have been a god on this subreddit

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Jurassic Park Go, travel around the world to find Dinosaurs in their once natural habitat

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What if Peter Parker is actually just a run of the mill mutant and he's just been reading way too much into that radioactive spider bite?

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Do twins ever realize that one of them was unplanned?

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No Pornhub, I do not want to share on Facebook with my friends and family what I'm currently watching...

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Zombie movies usually depict a universe in which zombie movies do not exist

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It must be super weird for babies to fall asleep in one place and then wake up 4 hours later in a completely different place with different clothes on.

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I could increase my productivity tenfold by changing the title of my to-do list to "Active Quests"

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The fact that I can't recognize my co-workers outside of uniform 85% of the time, tells me superman knows exactly what he's doing.

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I would like to meet the person that always takes my first choice username

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The phrase, "That church is a gym," made absolutely no sense a week ago.

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Is there a weird kid in Japanese schools who is outcast for watching American TV and not wearing a hello kitty backpack and he watches regular live action porn and everyone is like who's the fucking weirdo?

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Nintendo just inadvertently created the best "I'm totally not here for a drug deal" excuse ever.

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You'll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.

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Wednesday, July 13, 2016

It always seems gross when I touch someone's wet hand when they come from the bathroom, but I should probably be more concerned if it's dry.

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I trust the world so little, I look both ways when crossing a one-way sreet.

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Porn sites should have bright backgrounds while the video is buffering so I don't have to see my reflection

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Somewhere out there a band is writing, recording, and producing music I will love but never hear.

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Our bodies are 70% water. We didn't leave the ocean, we learned to take it with us.

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When I was a kid, I wished I could read people’s minds. And in a monkey’s paw twist, my wish was horribly granted with Facebook.

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Beef Jerky is essentially just a cow raisin

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if you rob a bank you won't need to worry about bills for the next 10 years, successful or not

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Facebook Go would just be hanging out with your friends in real life.

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In Most Religions God Takes All the Credit but None of the Blame

Note before commenting: Not trying to offend people, just a thing that I noticed while showering. Most religious people's justifications for belief usually follows the idea's logic.

PLEASE LEAVE THOUGHTFUL AND RESPECTFUL COMMENTS!!!

Edit// Imagine a young person with high potential is on the verge of dying. In one outcome the person survives and everyone thanks God, however in the other outcome where the person dies no one blames God for 1. taking someone who still has so much to live for; 2. causing such pain to the person's close ones; 3. demand that no one blames him, but give him credit if he comes back. [This is a comment I left due to people asking for and example]

thanks to baseball, i'm allowed to fuck up twice before i actually get in trouble.

3 strikes. yeah.

Isn't it odd that when you die, your loved ones will most likely go through all of your possessions and learn things about you that you never told them?

If you have an untimely death , then chances are that you didn't clear out your browser history or throw out your diary. When dividing up your possessions, you know your loved ones will go snooping around and learn any secrets you may have. The strange part(at least for them Since you're dead and all) is that they can't understand them better since you've passed away.