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Thursday, April 30, 2015
No-one has seen me wipe my butt in close to 30 years. What if I'm doing it wrong?
EDIT - I didn't realize how controversial wiping your bung hole could be...
1- I'm female, I realise front to back
2- Dookie balls?? What in ever loving fuck.
I wipe while still sitting by reaching between my legs but I feel like everyone else lifts a cheek and goes at it from the side
If a million of us picked a certain redditor and followed them on social media, we would have the power to make someone famous
If you are interested, please subscribe to /r/overnightcelebrity!
Besides being more easy to execute than a millionaires /random for money, it could be used for good too. Charities and various other cool things people on reddit do could win. Also, even gaining 10,000 followers on instagram or twitter is a significant increase.
EDIT: So here's my thoughts on guidelines. If this goes forward, I will let the people help decide how it works.
- Entry accounts must be at least 1 day old (created before the post).
- Once a month we pick a winner randomly (TBD how), they link all of the social media accounts they want (individuals pick which ones they want to follow).
- We create social media accounts accessible by moderators of the contest sub for anyone to follow as well.
- The posts those accounts will make will be to announce that month's winner (this should help solve the !Remindme problems with the millionaire one) and promote following the winner.
- Incentivize following somehow. Maybe we use social media monitoring tools to see if the person actually followed last month's winner. People that follow more winners, have a higher chance to win (1 submission = 2 chances, etc).
EDIT2: A neat idea from /u/HD_ERR0R could be to also pick a random social media profile for everyone to randomly follow. Imagine receiving 5,000 followers and people tweeting how awesome and famous you are without even participating in the contest. This could be fun to do inbetween official rounds.
I am almost 44. If I were given a dollar, for every minute of my existence, I'd have less than 25 million dollars. By comparison, Bill Gates has earned $3,477 for every minute of my existence.
Website Playback.fm has this link that tells you the #1 song on your birthday.
It also tells you, as you can see from this screen capture, how many minutes you've been alive, give or take a few hundred minutes.
Doing the math, if someone had given me a $1 bill for every second of my existence, I would have only $23,003,625.
Dividing Bill Gates' net worth of $80BILLION (rounded down from $80.4B) by the 23,0003,625 minutes I've been alive yields roughly $3,477 per minute that the big BG has earned for every minute of my life.
I'm going to go cry in fetal position now.
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
In 40 years we will think of words like "swag" "cray" and "totes" like we do now with "golly" "darn tootin" and "gee whiz."
Edit: What I mean by this is in the future, the overused words/phrases of today will remind us of the 2010s....
Bae, fleek, turnt...all that bs.
A better comparison may have been to the 70s and "groovy" "far out" etc
You know what I meant you fucking retards.
Weights in a gym should all be of the same size, but hollowed out according to their mass so newbies don't feel shy about lifting.
Edit: Yeah, it'll be harder to tell the difference, but isn't helping the new guys feel comfortable at the gym worth the slight inconvenience of squinting for a second at some weights?
In the Star Wars universe, there are probably people who think destroying the Death Star was an inside job.
"That's impossible, even for a computer."
being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible
and on every last page is a bad ending
It is amazing to think that nighttime is actually the natural state of the universe, and the only reason we have daytime is because Earth just so happens to be facing a giant star illuminating it.
I know a lot of people who consider daytime to be "normal" and nighttime to be "abnormal" when in actual fact, it's quite the opposite.
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
The Ents attacking Isengaard in LOTR is an epic depiction of paper defeating rock.
Edit to clarify: No, they couldn't destroy to Tower, but they did have it strategically covered.
The deadliest character in video game history is probably the first goomba in the original Super Mario Brothers. Between people not knowing how to play, not paying attention, and little kids playing that level that guy has probably killed Mario more times than all other bad guy characters combined.
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That guy in Star Wars IV who stops the other guys from blasting C3PO and R2D2 when they are in the escape pod because "there are no lifeforms" is actually the man who caused the Empire's downfall. He killed the empire with his love of being cost-effective and saving money on laser beams.
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The best tattoo artist in the world can only get second rate tattoos.
Unless he tattoos himself that is, but I personally imagine the best tattoo artist in the world being like a guru yogi who would be above all that.
Monday, April 27, 2015
It would be pretty bad if other animals learned how to make fires.
I don't think we could trust them to follow good safety practices.
There should be a Mario Party theme park where we can go and play real life Mario Party. It would probably be a great way to end friendships.
There should be a Mario Party theme park where we can go and play real life Mario Party. It would probably be a great way to end friendships.
Drugs allow you to borrow happiness from the future. Withdrawal is just your paying it back with interest.
Addiction is just crushing debt.
"I'll leave it for now" and "I'll leave it for later" have the same meaning
For example, when you change your mind buying a good and/or service at a shop, you can say "I'll leave it for now" or "I'll leave it for later" AND THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Grey's Anatomy should end with the death of Meredith Grey after which she donates her body for medical studies and the series finale should have the final scene where a professor lifts up the veil of a new cadaver, looks at them and then the camera as he says, "This is Grey's Anatomy".
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Sunday, April 26, 2015
If I had a bunch of psychics I would start a pizza place instead of a psychic hotline.
Imagine it pizza getting there by the time you pick up the phone. I can just imagine it.
Door bell rings "pizza delivery" said delivery guy
Home owner "I haven't ordered yet."
Dg "We're called psychic pizza for a reason"
Homeowner "I was going to only order 1 pizza"
"You in laws are coming to visit in a bit without the the extra pizza they make you go to that New Mexican restaurant where you get food poisoning for the whole week and miss a big contract at work or should I take this second pizza back.
I will never be able to seriously google, "Can jet fuel melt steel beams?" and look for a real, scientific analysis of the question.
I really want to know. I'm a structural engineering student.
There should be an average person running/swimming alongside the Olympic athletes to show just how athletic these competitors are.
I ran a 40 yard dash yesterday in 5.55 seconds. I'd be off screen by the time some of these guys finish.
Saturday, April 25, 2015
I'm at this awkward phase of my life where I just want to watch reruns of Sponge Bob but also have to worry about my 401k.
Just got my first job out of college and not too sure what to do.
Before colonizing Mars, shouldn't we first experiment and colonize on/in Antarctica, the North Pole, and the Deep Sea? The costs both in money and in human lives would be way less than sending people to Mars,or Deep Space?
Would it be more cost effective to experiment in extreme conditions here on Earth before going to Outer Space?
Friday, April 24, 2015
Having kids with someone who had plastic surgery is a recipe for surprises.
EDIT: China is so big that statistically, everything has happened once to someone somewhere in China.
Thursday, April 23, 2015
Seeing how it never caught on, I would argue that "hakuna matata" was, in fact, a passing craze.
If it even hit craze status, it looks like it was just Timon and Pumbaa saying it. So more of an inside catchphrase.
I wonder if giraffes get struck by lightning more oftern than any other animal.
You know, because they are tall.
I think ELY5 would be vastly more entertaining, albeit less informative, than ELI5
How does nuclear fission work? ELY5
"Chill and watch Netflix" is our generation's "wanna come upstairs for a cup of coffee?"
both are (not so) subtle hints of fucking.
Also, I just asked a girl if she wanted to chill and watch Netflix this weekend. Wish me luck.
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
Parents should take pictures of their kids looking terrified. Then, if they are every kidnapped, they'll have an accurate picture of how the child looks.
I always wonder what the point of releasing a smiling photo is.
Edit: *ever kidnapped
If we were to tally up how much educational software, textbooks and pdfs have been given out to students for free, PirateBay is probably one of the biggest 'scholarship' providers out there.
Haven't really done the math on it, but it seems certain.
EA should change their slogan from, it's in the game, to its in the DLC
Inspired by Battlefront III especially
There should be a reality show where country singers have to work on a farm for one month.
This would allow us to see how "country" they really are.
A phone cover is like a condom, it feels meh using it, and it feels amazing while not using it, but it's dangerous.
Haha my friend just dropped this and I feel it's really accurate.
Airports should have Redbox so you can get movies and then exchange them out between flights at various airports.
It would be cheaper than purchasing the inflight movie service. And cheaper than an iTunes movie rental as well!
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
Your DNA contains millions of years worth of software updates.
Auto-update is "On" and settings are locked - a brief "User Agreement" at the start of life would have been very helpful.
Potheads who celebrate 4/20 is like an unemployed looking forward to the weekend.
As an everyday smoker I feel today is just another day... :) that being said. Time for a toke.
Monday, April 20, 2015
When marijuana is legal people will say 4/20 is just another commercialized holiday.
Don't support commercialized holidays!
Donut companies should have a 4/20 Glaze It ad campaign
Maybe the regular glazed donuts could be like hella discounted
They should make a biography movie about M. Night Shyamalan but at the end it turns out it's about someone else
People will walk out of the movie theater going "That was about Will Smith?! Holy shit!"
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Asking who's the "man" and who's the "woman" in a gay relationship is like going to a Chinese restaurant and asking which chopstick is the fork.
This is not an original thought. If you want to upvote this, please don't. Contributing unoriginal things is the worst sin possible. Please downvote this because I am a scumbag.
We used to have pots full of cookies and now we have cookies full of pot.
Although, they do charge much more for the latter.
What if the Deadpool movie is five minutes long and the after credits scene is the entire movie.
As in we get 5 minutes of Deadpool doing pointless stuff. (Maybe reenacting other after credit scenes) then the credits role. THAN the movie plays.
Saturday, April 18, 2015
Aladdin was ALREADY a Prince, if his dad was the King of Thieves.
So the whole wish to become a prince was extraneous?
I wonder how the Ottoman's feel about having their whole empire reduced to a footstool?
And am actually curious about why we call footstool's Ottomans.
There should be a universal word which politely means "Sorry, I don't speak your language".
And by saying the word followed by a smile and a nod, both parties agree to avoid an awkward exchange.
This is the year that 90's kid got real jobs to start remaking stuff from their childhood.
Jurassic Park, Star Wars, Battlefront, Mortal Kombat.
If you spread an enormous amount of peanut butter on your bedroom door, you reduce your chances of being murdered during your sleep by about 1%
Because about 1% of people are allergic to nuts.
Friday, April 17, 2015
The highest-scoring posts in r/MildlyInteresting are not the best posts on the sub, because they're too interesting.
Apologies for my horrible wording.
I've never seen a blind person reading the braille on a sign in a public place
In before "neither have they, yuk yuk yuk"
I bet in 1989, when people were watching Back to the Future II and wondering what 2015 would be like, very few people guessed we'd be getting psyched up for a new Star Wars movie.
I mean, the last one came out in '83 as far as they knew.
Thursday, April 16, 2015
I wonder what kinds of new technology I'll have trouble using when I'm an old person.
So much I see older people have problems with new tech. It ain't their fault- they just didn't grow up using it and thus have years of experience with different versions of it. I mean, even today I'm astounded by our use of technology, but with all these things I have and are used to, I wonder what we'll come up with when I'm older that I won't want to use, won't like to use, or won't use because I can't figure the damn thing out.
They should make a game show where overly drunk contestants compete against trained monkeys in simple tasks.
Everyones heard of the overly drunks vs little kids, but monkeys would be more entertaining. Example would be like opening a capri sun.
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
I like Reddit because I feel like I'm having conversations with minds and thoughts, not profile pictures and "look what I'm doing." Thanks for being you, Reddit.
Except you narcissistic ass clowns. (Is there a meme of an ass clown out there?) < honest question
Hillary and Bill Clinton should be known collectively as Hillbilly
This has probably been said before at some point, but so has just about everything else
Exams are an unrealistic way to judge ability. It would be incredibly rare for you to be in a work situation where you have the combination of; a short time to do something, not being allowed to speak, ask for help/guidance/info or check existing reference materials.
(I'm just adding an edit here: I understand that in jobs you're expected to know things, but that sort of knowledge more often than not - imo - will come with experience. In my current job, I know the answer to most questions fairly immediately, but if I'm required to, for example, write a formal response citing certain rules or regulations, I'm not expected to have memorised the text for these things, but have the facility to look them up. That's just a single example, of course. I appreciate that certain jobs - like paramedic, say - will require a great level of under-pressure knowledge, but again I would surmise that someone who has been doing the job for years but got a C in their final exam would likely have more aptitude than someone fresh out of school with 100% in the exam.
There's been a cracking debate as a result of this, though, and I've enjoyed reading all the points and counterpoints!)
If I was as famous as Justin Bieber when I was a teenager, the world would hate me just as much.
Totalling a car? Check.
Driving fast and annoying neighbours? Check.
Egging houses? Check.
Being late because video games? Check.
Pissing in inappropriate places? Check.
Disdain for authority? Check.
Getting kicked out by bouncers? Check.
Thank god nobody knows about the shit I got up to as a dumb fuck teenager.
Some dude was the first one to fly through a cloud and he didn't know how that was going to work out.
Some dude was the first one to fly through a cloud and he didn't know how that was going to work out.
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
When someone gives you their phone number, it's like them giving you the password to talk to them.
When someone gives you their phone number, it's like them giving you the password to talk to them.
Everyone who gets caught in rip-tides and dies in the ocean is technically killed by the moon.
Therefore, the moon is a mass murderer.
Tesla should hire Mr T as spokesman: "I pity the fuel"
Tesla should hire Mr T as spokesman: "I pity the fuel"
Monday, April 13, 2015
Drinking water is like 90% cannibalism.
Not sure if this has been posted before, a friend just said this to me.
Red Bull and KFC should do a combo deal where if you buy a case of Red Bull, you get chicken wings for free.
Doesn't have to be KFC, just any place that serves wings
Sunday, April 12, 2015
You don't kill time, times kills you.
In Soviet Russia time kills you! Ok that was horrible. Shit..... is there anyway to fix the title? Wow! My first somewhat successful post! Thanks guys.
They should make a porn search engine where you can filter by hair color, eye color, skin tone, cup size, etc.
Any fucking thing that you would want to filter by, should be an option. Include amateur vs professional. It should index all porn, too, like a Google for porn.
Saturday, April 11, 2015
They should tightly package copies of the Koran into food-aid going to areas where fundamentalists are destroying food aid so they can't burn it.
Plus it rather fucks up the "crusader narrative".
I wonder how many miles of toilet paper I've used in my life.
I poop maybe twice a day and in not one to hold back with tp. I wonder if my butthole has had enough tp wipe through it to wrap around earth.
Friday, April 10, 2015
I am a member of the last generation of men who did not grow up playing video games with their fathers.
I'm 20 years old. My father is in his 50s. We had many of the typical "father-son" experiences; playing catch, coaching my soccer team, camping, and teaching me how to shave. One thing that we never shared, however, was video games. He simply is too old, and didn't play an Atari when it came out. But for the rest of human history, people will play video games, and they will do so with their children.
I realize that my title may sound like it favors men; of course mothers and women will game with their children as well.
EDIT: a more accurate title would be "I am a member of the last generation of people who do not see gaming with their parents as a common experience shared by a large percentage of people, similar to learning to play catch." Yes; many people older than me gamed with their parents, but is that common?
You should be able to downvote google links that were completely worthless or spammy
The most common example I can think of is when I google something like "best anrdoid apps for telling the weather" and I get a million hits from articles that are just copied and pasted from each other.
Edit: An example of where this would be useful is something that google can't objectively decide on. For example if I type in "Greg's Plumbing in Liverpool, England" there will most likely be only one website that should rightfully reach the top result in that situation. On the other hand if I type in something like "Cool PC Games" google has no way of knowing which games people like or don't. Instead the websites which inevitably get to the top are articles which use SEO. Search engine optomization is when people use specific keywords which are designed to make google like that article over articles that don't use SEO. Countless hundreds of website make short four or five paragraph articles like this to generate ad revenue. The articles have very little real value, and you have to go through alot of them to find anything meaningful. Voting would ensure that only the best most insightful and well written ones ended up in the top.
Edit 2: If this guy is correct, google has already solved this with their bounce feature: http://ift.tt/1GShB2D
Thursday, April 9, 2015
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
If the US had never landed on the moon in the 60s, there would be conspiracy theories claiming that we actually did.
And set up missile bases or met aliens or something...
The verb "dust" can be used to mean removing dust, and adding dust
If I dust my house, I'm removing dust from it.
If I dust crops, I am adding dust to them.
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
If Drake and Taylor Swift went out, we'd hear both sides of the break up.
The tension would go from 0 to 100 real quick, real quick.
If Justin Bieber somehow commits suicide, the internet would feel so shitty, being part of the largest case of cyber-bullying in history.
Edit: I'll add that I myself don't care too much for Bieber. Just realizing how fast the narrative of the story can change if our giving him shit did lead him to suicide.
There exists a person who encounters the fewest % of red traffic lights in the world, out of pure statistical luck.
And there also exists the opposite.
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